My crush just sneezed and I accidentally replied "bless you !"

Now she's staring at the bush, wondering who said that.

I accidentally planted the wrong flowers in my garden

Oopsie daisies

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 college students accidentally miss the math final exam

The next day they both went to plead with their professor. He was feeling pretty good that day so he allowed them to retake it. He told them to both come back tomorrow for an oral exam. When they both showed up he told one of them to wait outside while he tests the other. So one enters and the other...

The other day, my friend asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick instead,

She still isn’t talking to me.

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today...

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent

Why did the Jewish doctor accidentally perform a circumcision?

It was a Freudian snip

'Doctor, Doctor, I keep on accidentally making racial stereotypes!"

Confused Jewish guy: "What doctor?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man Accidentally Elbows a Woman's Boob

as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby. The man apologizes profusely and says "if your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me."

To which the woman replied "if your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 318."

My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"ATOE TRUCK!!??"

I accidentally had a jar of invisible ink

I'm now at the hospital waiting to be seen

I accidentally bought expired seasoning at the store

It was a bad thyme

Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers…..

the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction.

"Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?"

"Nothing," replied the waiter, "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."

My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undula...

A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book.

Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps.

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I'm fine, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

Today I accidentally made my coffee with red bull instead of water.

I got halfway to work before I realised I forgot my car.

I accidentally swallowed a small gold nugget

So I dug through my feces to find it. My wife walked in and asked me what I was doing. I told her I was just mining my own business.

I accidentally dialed a suicide hotline in Saudi Arabia.

The first question they asked was if I knew how to fly a plane.

I used to hate when I accidentally ate seeds

But recently, they've been growing on me.

Accidentally took my cats meds

Don't ask meow

If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the floor, just gently kick them under the refrigerator.

Soon it’ll be just water under the fridge.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes...

I now have Heinzsight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally ejaculated on dolphin and now everybody's mad at me

as if I did it on porpoise.

A blonde accidentally kills a cop and calls the police:

- Hello, is this 911?
- Yes, what is your emergency?
- I called to inform you that you're 910 now.

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is in a hotel lobby…

He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive...

A criminal was trying to hot-wire a car and accidentally electrocuted himself.

He got charged with battery.

One time I was walking in the woods and accidentally stepped in some deer guts...

...it was just offal.

What do you call it when you accidentally knock up your girlfriend?

A misconception

If a vegan accidentally eats meat...

Do they break out in chives?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to translate and adapt one of my favorite jokes. Hope it works.

A Mexican gunslinger were hired to kill an old American lady who was deaf in one ear. The man put his two silver revolvers in the holster at his waist, put his bullet belt around his chest, took his lucky sombrero and went to the lady’s house in the United States.



In front of the woma...

I tried telling my 4 year old nephew that it’s perfectly fine to accidentally poo your pants…

But he’s not buying it. In fact, he’s still making fun of me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Careful What You Wish For

After years of begging. I finally got the wife to try anal, but the whole night was ruined when I accidentally called her Kevin.

What did a tectonic plate say to another tectonic plate after they accidentally collided?

Sorry, my fault.



(I'm sure it's been said before, but I still giggled at that one)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old woman accidentally drops her fake teeth at the park while walking her dog.

She can’t find the teeth anywhere in the tall grass. A man spots her bending over and asks what she lost. “I dropped my false teeth somewhere around here.”

“Oh,” the man says, “that’s no big deal. Here, try this pair on.”

He hands her a set of teeth that are too big for her mouth. He h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally took my grandpas viagra thinking it was my anti depressant medication

It’s gunna be a hard day...

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target.

tldr, I'm covering for Gary this weekend.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally dropped my swear jar

About 700 motherfuckers escaped.

A great tragedy befalls the USSR

At a Central Committee meeting dozens of high ranking officials were accidentally killed, poisoned with toxic mushrooms in their soup.
The investigation team arrives at the scene. It was horrific, some had scratched their throats deeply, other lay with foam at they mouth or bloodshot eyes.
Bu...

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven: When they get there, St. Peter says....

....”We only have one rule here in heaven, don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Well, along ...

accidentally swallowed a bag of scrabble letters

my next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

A parrot accidentally swallowed a viagara tablet and went berserk

He started humping everything he could lay his wings on .

The owner called the vet who said that the overheating could damage his brain so asked him to put the parrot in a freezer.

The owner somehow caught the parrot and forced into the freezer and forced it shut.

After 10 mins...

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.

Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: "Well? Are you still coughing?" The patient replies: "No, I am afraid to."

I accidentally used the dog's shampoo this morning

I feel like a good boy.

Foot Doctor

A drunk says to the bartender, "I want a woman!" So, the bartender gives him directions to the local brothel. The customer was so drunk, he misreads the directions and accidentally goes into the office of a foot doctor.

The receptionist at the counter asks, "Can I help you?" "Yes, I want som...

(NSFW) Why can't vampires accidentally get you pregnant?

A vampire always has to ask to come inside.

A lady visits a doctor

“Doctor, I was eating some potato chips, and there was a small bag that said ‘DO NOT EAT’, and I accidentally ate that too, am I going to die?..”

“Well, we’re all going to die at some point…” Starts the doctor.

“We’re all gonna die?! OMG, WHAT HAVE I DONE!”

An engineer accidentally gave a medical school exam. See his answers:

1. Antibody - One who hates his body .

2. Artery - Study of Fine Paintings or military, not sure.

3. Bacteria - Back door of a Cafeteria .

4. Coma - Punctuation Mark .

5. Gall Bladder - Bladder of a Girl .

6. Genes - Blue Denim.

7. Labour Pain - Hurt at Work...

I accidentally deleted an audiobook I was listening to

Now I’ll never hear the end of it

Three sisters die in a car crash.

Three sister die in a car crash. All three sisters make it up to heaven where they are greeted by God himself. God opens the pearly gates to reveal ducks everywhere

God says “Welcome to heaven, there is only one rule here. The only thing you can not do is step on any of the ducks so you must...

You're probably Ghana think"no one will Bolivia. There's just Norway."

I thought I Kuwait but then I Saudi Turkey, Iraq of ribs and a Canada best sauce and my Bahrain was like Oman, I Israel Hungary... so Iran to the kitchen to put Greece in the pan.

I hoped it could get Finnish quickly and because I was Russian, I didn't Czech the label and accidentally added ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor accidentally emailed the results of all his vasectomy patients to everyone on the internet.

They were publicly desemenated.

My Roomba accidentally went out the front door, and the neighbourhood animals immediately started attacking it.

Nature abhors a vacuum.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl brought her boyfriend over for dinner to meet her parents for the first time

When they were all sitting down to eat the boy sits down at the dinner table when he notices the family dog curls up right at his feet.

Dinner is going well when all of the sudden the boy accidentally lets out a tiny fart.

"Hey Bowser!" the girl's father whispered to the dog nudging hi...

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

IRL Accidental joke story

IDK where to post this but I figured I'd make some people chuckle before it gets taken down. But if someone in comments could point out a subreddit for funny stories, thanks that'd be awesome.

Was working on a neighbors overhang/pergola and roof (damages, old house). His 4 year old kid was as...

I filled out a form wrong and accidentally gave a patient a bag of the wrong blood type.

It was a Type-O

A man gets a flat tire outside the fence of an insane asylum.

While he's changing the tire he sees a patient on the other side of the fence observing him so he hurries. He gets the flat off and puts the spare on, but since he was rushing to get out of there, he accidentally drops all 4 lug nuts down a drain. While he's standing there staring at the spare wit...

An 85-year old man is having his annual checkup

The Doctor asks him how he is feeling.

"I've got an eighteen-year old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know of a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a sea...

I hate how you can accidentally make a person but can’t accidentally make a pizza.

I mean who decided that, huh?

If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Freudian Slip

A man is going through an airport after buying his ticket, and he walks over to a friend with his head down.

"Ah man, I can't believe what just happened. I had a Freudian slip. Do you see the ticket agent with the huge cans? I accidentally asked her for two pickets to titsville."

His ...

My friend accidentally walked into the dustbin

I told her to stop hitting on trash

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was a bad idea doing tacos the night before the big meeting. Everyone looked shocked when I accidentally farted loudly.

I looked back at them, just as shocked. After a moment, I broke the awkward silence, and said,

"Did you hear that asshole talking shit behind my back?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys chatting in a pub......

First guy says, "I committed an embarrassing faux pas this morning. Stopped at the travel agent and the girl had fantastic breasts.I accidentally asked for two Titties to Toronto"

The other guy responds "I know the feeling mate. This morning I meant to ask my wife to pass the cornflakes and a...

I misread the recipe. I was trying to make Cottage Cheese, but I accidentally ended up with Frottage Cheese.

The taste was off, and it just rubs me the wrong way.

Why is it easy to accidentally walk in on the White House Press Secretary while she is in the bathroom?

The P is silent.

I accidentally sat on some broken glass

It was a real pane in the ass

A school teacher invited a Native American to give a presentation to his students about their culture

After discussing history, traditions and lifestyle, the conversation turned to language.

"One of the interesting things about our language," he said, "is that there are no cuss words."

"But then what do you say if you are hammering a nail and accidentally hit your finger?" asked a s...

What do you smell if you (accidentally) burn a cat?

Purr-fume...

No cats were harmed in the making of this joke!

What did the dog say to Woody after accidentally swallowing Buzz Lightyear?

You got a friend in me.

Italian couple get married and having dinner at lady's Mum's house

(best told in Italian accent, sorry if I brutalise Italian accent).
Maria is daughter of elderly, quite traditional Italian mother. Franko is her new hubby, war veteran, early discharge after accidentally stepping on a landmine.
Daughter, son in law and Mum hanging out in kitchen, Mum turns to...

A man in his 80’s went to a doctor with his beautiful, breathtaking 25 year old lady.

Doctor helped the frail old man in his clinic: What can I do for you today, sir?

Old man said to the Dr: I married this beautiful angel 2 months ago, and she is pregnant with my baby. At this age, I forgot how to care for the mother, I want to seek your advice.

Doctor a little taken ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally deleted the manuscript of my book '1000 Ways to Cure an Itch'

It looks like I'll have to start from scratch

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the redditor say after he won the dick measuring competition?

Wow! This blew up. Thanks for the gold.



repost because i accidentally deleted the 1st post in 2 minutes

I accidentally bought too many art supplies

I'm having an excess stencil crisis.

A quiet flight.

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.

Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto .

...
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneven...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I put a bag of popcorn in the microwave but I accidentally hit the “potato” button instead of the “popcorn” button.

It turned out fine I just opened the bag and spooned in some sour cream.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Redditor accidentally trips and sets off an explosion in a precious metal mine. What’s the first thing they say?

Holy crap this blew up!

Uhhh thanks for the gold stranger!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

"Daddy, what does ass mean?"

"It means... beard."

Downstairs, the b...

A funeral service was being held for a young woman who had just passed away. As the pallbearers carried the casket out, they accidentally bumped into a wall. They heard a faint moan come from inside the casket.

They opened the casket and found that the woman was still alive! She went on to live 10 more years and then died, and they held another funeral for her. While the pallbearers were carrying her out, her husband yelled, "Watch out for that wall!"

Today I accidentally put my wallet in the washing machine

I suppose I'm now a money launderer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally lost my sex toy the other day.

It was a real pain in the ass finding it.

I accidentally called my wife a ‘trophy’ the other day...

She shot back, “Oh come on, just because you always finish first doesn’t mean you win anything!”

A vendor selling ice from a street cart has a sign that says “Ise Stand.” “Mr. vendor, you seem to have accidentally confused the ‘c’ in ‘ice’ for an ‘s.’” The vendor replies, “I’m certain you are mistaken!” The next day, the vendor’s freshly repainted sign reads:

“Ice Stand, Corrected”

I saw an electrician accidentally electrocuting himself today; you might say he was...

killed.

TIFU by accidentally cheating on my wife at a BDSM convention with a woman who was wearing the same leather mask

Whoops, wrong sub

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 guys died and went to heaven

As they were standing in front of the pearly Gates jesus appeared before them and explained, unfortunately we have been running at full capacity and at the moment we can only let in people in who died in an especially horrific way.

The first guy started to explain how he died. I left work ea...

Your mama so fat

I accidentally ran a marathon while trying to pass her on the street

What happens when Harry Potter says accidental?

Someone loses a tooth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally mixed up the words 'jacuzzi' and 'yakuza' online.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.

A coke addict accidentally snorts his grandma's ashes; how much of it did he snort?

About half a gran.

Accidentally swiped my donor card instead of my debit card today...

my groceries ended up costing me an arm and a leg

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men get lost in the woods...

As they search for a path out together they accidentally stumble into the part of the woods ruled by fairies. The fairy King is not impressed with intruders and orders them executed. They beg for their lives and the King decides they shall complete a two part challenge to be shown the way out.
<...

I accidentally angered two people today by calling them hipsters.

Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Jimi Hendrix say after he accidentally cut the end of a jew's penis off?

"Excuse Me While I Bris This Guy"

I accidentally broke two of my dad's Queen CDs.

Now I want to break three.

Did you hear about the guy who accidentally drank varnish and died? He had a terrible end...

But a beautiful finish

A friend of mine is dating a woman he met during a traffic jam.

"She was in the car ahead of me," he said, "and I accidentally stepped on the gas when I meant to hit the brake."

"Did you rear-end her?" I asked.

"Well, yeah, but not until the third date."

What’d the farmer say when he accidentally squashed his pumpkin?

Oh my gord.

Texas sounds like an interesting place

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.

When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!” The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.”

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in th...

Pun enters a room, kills 10 people

Pun in, 10 dead

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Statue

Two elderly women were walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later, the first women said, "Gracious! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?" The second woman replied, "Yes, I was absolutely shocked. How can they display such a thing? The penis was so...

I accidentally kicked my dog earlier and it bit me. My friend said "it's karma"

I said "if anything, it's more annoyed"

I'm afraid to tell my mom I accidentally knocked out some of my teeth and swallowed them...

It's really chewing me up inside.

I accidentally filled the escort up with diesel

She died.



Posting my favourite Gary Delaney joke on my cake day.

Honey, I accidentally set your son on fire!

Just kidding, it’s not your son, it’s arson.

Accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes earlier, but now I don't need glasses any more.

Heinz-sight is 20/20

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants.

But he's not buying it, in fact he's still making fun of me.
Edit: Thanks for the karma, and damn Reddit is not shy about telling internet strangers they pooped in their pants.
Edit 2: Thank you kind stranger for giving me my first gold on a poop joke, I wouldn't have expected it any other...

Over Christmas dinner, I accidentally let it slip I'd lied about my degree in biology.

Me and my big face-hole thingy.

A woman accidentally locked her keys in her car and was pacing frantically on the side of the street, when a soldier from Boston passing by saw this and assured her that he could help. She looked on in amazement as he removed his trousers, rolled them into a tight ball...

...and rubbed them against the car door.

Magically, it opened!!

"That's incredible!!" the woman gasped. "How did you do it?"

"Easy..." replied the soldier. "These are my khakis."

What's the worst part about accidentally using glue instead of lube

Deciding whether to go to the hospital or the vet

Scientists have accidentally created immortal frogs

While running experiments, they decided to cut some of the frogs vocal cords.
Ever since then, the frogs just wont croak

If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,

Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?

I accidentally drank a little food colouring last night.

I ended up dying inside.

The UPS guy accidentally dropped my package

Ups

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was watching a porn film the other day, and accidentally played the alternate ending. I didn’t think I would like it, but if I’m being honest....

I came to the wrong conclusion.

My uncle accidentally fell into a vat of lacquer.

He didn't have a good life, but he had a beautiful finish.

Did you hear about the musician who cut himself on a note

Turns out it was sharp, it was completely accidental

I accidentally took my birth control pill twice yesterday

and when I woke up this morning, one of my kids was gone.

What's the worst thing about accidentally locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic?

Having to go in and ask for a coat hanger.

I accidentally jumped out of a plane without a parachute

But dont worry i got the rest of my life to figure out how to survive it

TIL in 1974 Russians accidentally blew up their own submarine, thinking it was an enemy

Oops, wrong sub

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.