This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife was super angry when she caught me watching porn. She said it degrades women.

Jokes on her. The porn I watch doesn't have any women in it.

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Two rich kids are caught doing drugs by a cop...

The cop recognizes them and tells them: "Since you have parents in high places, I'm gonna offer you a propisition. In 3 days from now, I want to find other teens like yourself and convince them to quit drugs."

3 days have past, and the two come to the officer with their results.

The fi...

I caught two teenagers smoking pot outside my office window.

Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two teenagers smoking pot outside my office window.

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Just caught a disgusting pervert on the bus.

He was watching pornography over my shoulder.

I was so embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set that I threw the bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

I caught my teenage son flying a kite during a thunderstorm, after I told him not to do it.

So I immediately grounded him.

Four buddies caught up for coffee many years after high school. Each bragging to the other how successful and wealthy they’ve become.

The first guy said, “See that bank building across the street? I am going to buy it within the next six months.”

The second guy then said, “See that hotel building next to the bank? I am going to buy it within the next month.”

Not wanting to lose out, the third guy quickly said, “See t...

A girl I’m hitting on just caught the Corona virus

I might have a chance now, as she’s lost all her taste...

Has anyone caught the dwarf psychic that escaped from prison?

Come on guys, there’s a small medium at large!

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

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What happens when you get caught pooping in an elevator?

Shit goes down

What did the lime say when he caught a STD

I got lemonaids

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

Jack decided to go skiing with his best buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone ...

I caught my son chewing electrical cords

So I had to ground him. He's doing better currently, and now conducting himself properly.

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An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman get caught by the Nazis during the war.

The Englishman is put up to the wall to be shot. The officer asks him "Do you have any last words?", the Englishman shouts "Tornado!". The Germans all turn around and the Englishman jumps over the fence and gets away.

The Scotsman is put up the wall to be shot. The officer asks him "You you h...

So the cops caught me doing doughnuts in my car today.

I know what you're thinking. Who the hell names their dog doughnuts

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Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist.

He said "it's not what it looks like"

How did the german spy get caught?

He went into a pub in London and ordered two whiskeys.

The bartender asked him: "Dry?"

To which he replied: "Nein, zwei"

What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?

"Have you bean stalking me?"

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I recently received a letter about my donkey dying, but as I was reading it, a gust of wind caught it and blew it up into the sky.

It became an ass ending sending ascending.

Did you hear about the Italian tourist who got caught stealing in Iraq?

Probably not. He lost his voice.

A man from Saudia Arabia got caught stealing a hand sanitizer

He wont be needing it anymore

What did the pirate say when his child caught the ship on fire?

Arrrrrrgh Son!

I caught a really bad case of COVID in Madrid.

Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realized I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"

The doctor, with his ...

A heart was caught stealing a Honda

I guess you could say he was under cardiac arrest

I told my friend about how I caught a huge snake. He asked me how big it was and I said, have you seen the movie anaconda?

It was about the size of the Anaconda’s DVD box.

Melvin capital was caught with their pants down by the short squeeze

but it seems the SEC didn’t like seeing a full debriefing

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As principal of the Catholic school, Mother Superior had seen her share of kids gone astray. From smoking cigarettes or pot to fighting and much more. However, it was uncanny how she always caught the guilty ones and set them straight.

I guess you could say she was Nun The Wiser

A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub

The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren’t mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"

The cop, obviously in ...

Teacher: Your son was caught drinking a beer.

Me: Did he say where he got it?

Teacher: Yes, his best friend.

Me: [tearing up] He really said that?

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What did the man say when he caught his girlfriend fucking her personal trainer?

This isn't working out.

What did the robot do after being caught sleeping with the neighbor’s wife?

Nut and Bolt

Colleague from work has just texted saying he’s caught Covid from his cat.

Don’t ask meow

I was 13 when my dad caught me blowing Bubbles...

I have not seen my dog ever since..

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My wife just caught me blow drying my penis and asked what I was doing.

Apparently "heating up your dinner" is NOT the correct answer

A priest and a nun are caught in a blizzard

They find a deserted cabin and take shelter. They find a sleeping bag, a bed, and a pile of blankets. The priest, being a gentleman offers the nun the bed and takes the sleeping bag for himself. As they get tucked in for the night the nun calls out, "father, father I'm cold!" so the priest gets up a...

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My roommate claims that he caught me with a sex doll.

This is completely untrue and slanderous. He caught me with a sex action figure.

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My neighbour was sunbathing naked in her garden and as I was wanking while watching her from the window I caught my wife staring at me in the doorway...

Do you think she might be a pervert?

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FUCK! I got caught stealing this iphone

Looks like I'm facing time

A driver gets caught in a long tailback and, after not moving for forty minutes, sees a patrolman approaching.

He asks what the holdup is and the policeman says "About a mile up the road there's Donald Trump on a soapbox. He says he's sick and tired of the ingratitude of this goddamn country and if he doesn't get five million dollars to continue his fight to overturn the election result, he's going to drench...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

I caught my son biting the electrical cord

I was shocked and grounded him. He resisted but I told him to stay positive. It's been a week, he's currently doing better and conducting himself properly.

A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers' attention, he begins yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!"

A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, ...

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The Britain had just colonized Malaysia, three local criminals were caught and brought to the British Commander...

"They committed such deadly crimes, they should be beheaded!" The Lieutenant suggested the Commander.

Hearing that, the three criminals pleaded for their lives to the Commander.

The Commander agreed to let them live under one condition, which was to collect 10 fruits of same type.
<...

A bank in my city recently caught fire and burned down

Iv never seen that much toasted bread before

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My girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing.

Apparently,
‟Heting your dinner”
was not a good answer.

Did you hear about the 2 guys that got caught stealing a calendar?

They both got 6 months.

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There once was a mathematician.

He made it his life’s goal to tackle one of the greatest unsolved calculus problems in history. For months he worked, filling blackboards with numbers and lines, to no avail.

After a year of struggling, he was ready to give up. He pulled out the bottle of wine that was *meant* to toast his s...

This pastor decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf.

He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.

...

My step sister's hand got caught in the sink.

I Googled for a solution and there it was.

The tutorial was weird but Google is never wrong.

100 humps and her hand got unstuck.

Did you hear about the prince who caught Covid from his father?

He was next in line to be Coronated.

Man caught wife cheating

a man walks into his bedroom and finds his wife in bed with another man.

"what are you doing?" he yells.

"see?" the wife says to her lover. "and he asks what we are doing!". "I told you he is dumb."

I caught my first fish today!

Unfortunately, i got kicked out of the aquarium.

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Military officer got caught masterbating on a Zoom call

You could say it was an honourable discharge.

I caught my wife cheating. This isn’t the first time. I have asked her to leave the family home. I have filled for divorce and will ask for full custody of the kids and the dog. I thought 2020 couldn’t get much worse.

Hopefully this is the last time she steals monopoly money, when playing as the banker.

A man is driving down a country road going 45mph, and all the sudden he notices a chicken running next to him.

He couldn't believe his eyes, how could a chicken run so fast?

So he speeds up to 60mph to outrun the chicken, and after a few seconds the chicken has caught up to him! He simply can't believe it, he shakes his head and looks back and suddenly the chicken is gone. But no! He looks ahead an...

If this year has taught us anything, it’s that Donald Trump is a regular American citizen

He caught COVID-19, has massive debt, is about to be evicted from his house and is going to lose his job

Did you hear about the guy who got caught living on public transportation?

Bus Ted

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3 men standing in front of the gates of heaven

Peter says: "Sorry guys. We're closed."
"But Peter.. We're dead. You have to let us in."
Peter: "I'll make you a deal: If the story of how you died is awesome, I'll let you in."

So the first man begins to tell his story:
"I am an attorney and I work every day from 6am to 8pm but THI...

The police caught a person erasing people's criminal records

They said he was a real pro for a first offender.

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Raise your hand if you've been caught masturbating on a Zoom call.

Maybe you should have raised the other hand.

The boss caught an employee drinking at work.

He said: -"You can't drink while you're working!".
The employee replied: -"But I'm not working".


They both laughed a lot, and he got fired.

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983..

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A rapist and conman get caught by the sheriff in a small town. The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners, so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can...

The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.

The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them to posts and sets up shop.

He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime, so anyone can pay $1 ...

I have the eyes of an artist, the mind of a scientist, the hands of a pianist, and the heart of a child.

Now I'm getting the electric chair after I was caught trying to get the liver of a politician.

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My girlfriend has been secretly masturbating behind my back during her Period...

But i caught her red handed!!

What did the husband say after getting caught cheating with a mimic.

"Its not what it looks like!"

Chuck Norris caught COVID.

But then he felt bad, so he let it go.

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Caught myself talking to my cat and felt really dumb.

totally forgot that I'm pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.

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Only in England.

£800 fine if you are caught at a house party during lock-down.

But reduced to £400 if paid early.

If you catch covid at the party, the government will

give you £500 to stay at home.

That's £100 profit.

This country is absolutely fucked.

I love my girlfriend. She's always there for me, she's super smart, and she really understands me. But I've caught her talking to other guys. Lots of other guys. I want to tell her she has to choose me or them, but I'm afraid I'll lose her if I do.

Her name is Alexa.

I recently got caught up in a heist at an Apple Store.

I guess you can call me an iWitness

What do you call a baby Owl that was caught in the rain?

A moist-owlette

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Caught my sister masturbating.

She had something smeared all over her crotch.
I ask, “What is that all over your crotch?”

she said,”Piece of Cake.”

I said, “Damn, I was going to eat that.”

She said, “You can still eat it.”

”I know, but now it’s going to taste like cake.”

Did you hear about the pig who thought he caught Covid on a plane?

Turned out to be the 'swine flew'

Did you hear that more bank robbers have been caught this year than any before in history...

It seems the criminals are refusing to wear masks.

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by....

He got into the taxi and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian every single time."
Passenger: "...

My wife told me she was coming home at 9pm but came back at 5pm and caught me with another girl

Should I forgive her for her lie ?

How was a ghost caught in a human party?

He yelled: "Dance til' ya drop dead again!'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you go around grabbing women by the pussy...

...at some point you'll get caught red-handed.

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Two explorers are caught by cannibals and put in a large pot of water to be cooked. As the cannibals start the fire beneath them, one of the explorers starts chuckling to himself.

"What is so damn funny? We're going to die here!"

*"I just pissed in their soup."*

My partner caught me saving my pubes earlier

She asked “what the hell are you doing?”
Apparently ‘preparing your dinner’ was not the correct response.

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my deaf girlfriend caught watching porn

She's deafinitely pissed off this time.

*caught me

now she's deaf-initely pissed

Caught in a Wind Storm

“A policeman noticed an old lady standing on a street corner during a sudden windstorm.



She was bracing herself by holding a light post with one hand, and she was holding her hat snugly against her head with her other hand. Unfortunately, a strong gust blew her dress upward, and it co...

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The Japanese invented a thief catching robot.

After running successful lab trials they decided to test it. After deploying in Tokyo the robot caught 35 thieves in 24 hours.

The news Broke out.

Much Impressed, the Brits ordered the robot for themselves. After deploying in London the robot busted 65 thieves under 8 hours.

The...

There was a video caught on camera of a man who actually ate 4 of his toes

Needless to say, it was very shaky Footage.

I caught my wife cheating with my best friend.

She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had.

I was so angry when I caught them that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

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When my girlfriend caught coronavirus I broke up with her.

The only micro-organism she's allowed to have inside of her is my penis.

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Sex Position #189 "The John Wilkes Booth" (NSFW)

You blow a load on the back of someone's head in a movie theater and try to escape before you get caught.

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Genius Kid

An old man is sitting out on his deck one day when he sees a young boy walking down the road with a roll of duct tape under his arm.


"Where are you going?" asks the old man

"To catch some ducks" says the kid

"You can't catch ducks with duct tape" replies the old man.
...

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I got caught masturbating with a pickle.

I was Gherkin off

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Wesley gets in trouble at school for being caught in the red light district

Wesley arrives a half-hour late at school When the teacher asks where Wesley was, he says:
“With the prostitutes in the Red Light District.”


The teacher gets angry and tells Wesley to go to the principal. Wesley tells the principal why he was sent out. The principal has heard enoug...

A baggage handler couldn’t understand how he caught COVID 19 but was discharged from hospital the next day.

The Doctor told him it was a brief-case.

A crow was caught recently breaking quarantine laws.

They charged him with attempted murder.

Russia has the lowest number of people who have caught covid. It's practically zero.

Unfortunately, it is because in Soviet Russia, covid catches you.

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Breaking: CNN legal analyst caught masturbating on a Zoom call

Guess you could say he just couldn't keep his Toobin his pants

My wife caught me cross-dressing and said it's over.

So I packed her things and left.

The animals were bored.

Finally the lion had an idea. He tells the other animals how he's seen the humans play a game called American football. He proceeded to tell them how it's played and explained its rules. This got them excited.

They chose their teams and went out to an open field. The lion's team received, and...

A Bar opened opposite a Mosque!

The angry congregants of the Mosque prayed daily against the business....

Days later the Bar was struck by lightning and caught fire . The Bar owner sued the Mosque authorities for the cause , as an action by their prayer...

The Mosque denied all responsibility!

So, the judge...

A man gets caught stealing supplies to build a fence, what is he charged with?

Criminal offences

So I caught my girl cheating again

This time I caught her doing it with my Dad and before that my brother like seriously. So I was wondering if anyone know how I can tell her I just want to be cousins.

I’d been stealing my wife’s deodorants for months before I got caught.

She said “please stop keeping Secrets from me”

I caught a guy looking up children's skirts in the library.

I never even knew they had a section for that.

I caught my wife adding yeast to my beloved flatbread recipe;

But I know she's just trying to get a rise out of me

My pet raven seems to have fallen ill.

I’m worried he caught CROVID-19.

A magical spanish thief was caught trying to steal an early work of a famous artist

In his defeat, he declared they could keep the work, but he would set himself free on the count of three. He said "Uno...Dos...." and then poof, he vanished without a trace.

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We are playing poker

One night this little boy walks into his parents room & they were going at it. The little boy asked "what are y'all doing?" His dad looks back & quickly says "uggghh. We are playing poker & your mom is a wildcard"

A few days later the little boy walks into his sister's room. Her &...

My boss caught me taking NSFW selfies during work.

He told me to put on a mask.

Nelly The Elephant caught Covid.

Nelly The Elephant caught Covid. When the doctors asked her where she thought she got it from she went "Trump Trump Trump"

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A man was going ice fishing.

He goes out onto the ice, cuts open a hold, and lowers his bait into the hole. 45 minutes pass, and the man has not gotten a nibble. A younger man walks out onto the ice, drills a hole right next to him, lowers his bait, and within a few minutes has hooked a largemouth bass.

The first man is...

My wife and I caught our teenage son with weed so we decided to play good cop bad cop

I shot him in the back while she just looked the other way

Why did the cat get fined?

Because he was caught littering.

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Masturbation isn't bad only for your eyesight

My wife caught me masturbating to her sisters pictures and said " we can't see each other anymore ".

If you commit 90 sins, you would be caught half the time.

Because sin90 = cot45

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I think Jobs are too snoopy when it comes to our private sex lives

Whenever it has the spot on the application that says “sex: ”, as a young man, I’m always just slightly caught off guard. I reluctantly put my number of times there.

Sometimes it provides me with the choice of “M” or “F” online. I always select the F for few. Hopefully one day I’ll be able to...

Why was Mario furious?

He caught Princess Peach going through his Bowser history

The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.

A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.
A curious gentleman came over and asked what he was doing. "Fishing", the old man said simply. "Poor old fool", the gentleman thought, and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.

He felt he ...

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What did Gordon Ramsay say when he caught a clown in bed with the Egyptian Sun God?

IT's fucking Ra

Little Johnny gets caught playing doctor with the neighbour girl.

Dad doesn’t approve thinking Johnny is on track to knock up a young teen in a few years.
“Johnny, you know that girls have teeth down there?
“What, are you lying?”
“Nope, you need to keep clear of that business son”

Years later in high school Johnny starts dating a girl but after s...

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Henry and Harriet where reminiscing about their 25yr marriage on their anniversary.

Suddenly Henry breaks down and begins sobbing uncontrollably. Shocked to see her husband showing such emotion she tries to console him.

"Talk to me Sweetheart. What's wrong?"

"Well, remember that day your Pa caught us in the barn having sex?"

"Oh my yes!"

"Remember what h...

I caught my wife sleeping with amphibians behind my back

I asked her why, but she had a frog in her throat

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I caught my roommate masturbating.

He look at me and says: Shut the door.
I said: Get Inside the house.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Police tricked an anal rapist into confessing.

They caught him hook, line, and sphincter.

What did Helen Keller's parents do when they caught her swearing?

They washed her hands with soap.

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Drunk private with a wheelbarrow

Sergeant: So as I understand it, private, yesterday after curfew, you were caught arriving from a night out, piss-drunk, with a fucking wheelbarrow?!

Private: Yes, sir that is correct but I think-

Sergeant: I'm thinking 10 days solitary confinement! This is absolutely unacceptable beha...

A drug dealer once dressed up as a mailman

He got caught immediately because he rung the doorbell once.

What did little Johnny's mother do when she caught him zapping the other children with static electricity?

She grounded him.

A man is sitting in a new sports car when a little girl pulls up beside him on her new bicycle she just received for Christmas.

She knocks on his window, which he rolls down to see what she wants.

"Wanna race, mister?" she asks, ringing her bell and twirling the elastic streamers on her handlebars.

"Sure," the man laughs. The light turns green and he floors the pedal. The car takes off like a shot and he leaves...

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My wife caught me pissing in the kitchen sink, and got really mad at me. "You fucking prick, that's so inappropriate!" she screamed. "Well, so is washing the baby in there, but I don't angry at you about that!" I shouted back.

I think she realised she'd lost the argument, because she didn't even reply.

She just lifted the baby out of the sink and went upstairs...

I got fired from my deli job cause the boss caught me sticking my finger in the pickle slicer..

..turns out he fired her too.

I have decided to call my new mouse Elvis

Don’t you know it’s caught in a trap and can’t walk out..

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Russian grandfather tells a war story to his grandson

Russian grandfather tells a war story to his grandson:

— Once me, a British and an American soldier were conducting a secret operation in Nazi Germany. We were caught, and the Nazis gave us an ultimatum: they will fuck us in the ass and then free or we will be hanged.
The British soldier ...

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Why was Cinderella thrown out of Fairyland?

She was caught sitting on Pinnochio's face, shouting "Lie, you bastard! Lie!"

What did the monkey say after his tail got caught in the lawnmower?

Won't be long now!

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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I work in a factory that makes McDonalds french fries...

One of co-workers told me yesterday that he's always wanted to put his dick in the Potato Peeler. I tried to talk him out of it, but I could tell he had already made his mind up to do it. I saw him today; he was clearing out his desk. "So you went ahead and did it?" "Yeah, and I got caught, so they ...

The tale of Sister obvious

Once upon a time there was a nun called Sister obvious, they called her that as she was very logical and had a solution for most things.

One day, Sister obvious and a fellow nun was walking home from the market when her fellow nun (let’s call her Sister May) said “Sister, I think there’s a ma...

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My cousin got caught with his pants around his ankles in the supply closet at work

He said he really felt like a jerk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I zipped up my jeans and got my penis caught in the zipper. I painfully shouted out.....

"Username checks out"

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