UPJOKE
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Putin, Zelensky and Biden are on board a plane.

Suddenly, the plane is losing altitude and they are about to crash. On board there are only two parachutes.


Immediately, Putin snatches a parachute and jumps out to save himself.


Biden takes the remaining parachute and gives it to Zelensky: "Save yourself, my friend. I am m...

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I snatch kisses and....

Vice versa

A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver's license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds "I'll bet you $100 you can't guess the answer to that question" as she slaps a crisp bill on her dashboard.

The cop rubs his chin an...

A man went to a strip club

When he got inside he noticed an empty seat in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, he took the seat. As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind him yelled, ‘Yeah baby! That's what I've been waiting for!’ The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look.
...

Kelloggs once had a cereal called 'Snatch'

You open it up, dump out the cereal and eat the box.

Guy meets a Pirate in a bar.

He is missing an arm, a leg, and an eye. I mean stereotypical pirate.

Guy asks, "I got to know, how did you lose the leg?"

Pirate says, "arg, I was hunting a big-ol whale and a rope snatched 'round me leg and tore it clean off."

Guy says, "Wow, so- so how did you lose the arm."...

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A Hindu, a Muslim and a Christian are passing through a forest.

Each of them are carrying a dozen bananas.

Suddenly, 3 monkeys jump down from the trees, snatch away their bananas and climb back up the trees.

The Hindu joins his hands together and says to the 1st monkey, "Please return my bananas, O Hanuman!" The monkey doesn't care and starts to e...

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?

A pick pocket snatches watches.

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Slips of the Tongue

**12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and Radio ...**

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator –
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator –
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside o...

Do not drink and drive.

So I was taking a sip of my whiskey, someone straight up snatched my bottle at a red light.

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A farmer was having an issue with his parrot

His parrot was getting into the chicken coop and having sex with all the hens. It was happening so much that they stopped laying eggs. The angry farmer told the parrot "if you have sex with any of my chickens again, I'm going to pluck every last feather out of your head!"

The next day the fa...

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Snatch eating frog

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the box, and it says: “Snatch Eating Frogs... $20 each (comes with instructions).”

She looks around to see if anybody’s watching her and ...

Mr. Johnson boarded a plane to New York City. He was about to sit down in the aisle seat he had booked when he saw a blonde woman sitting in his seat.

"Wh-what are you doing?!" sputtered Mr. Johnson. "I specifically booked this seat! Why aren't you sitting in your seat?!"

The blonde woman replied, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, and I'm sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City."

Angrily, Mr. Johnson snatched the blo...

Three Paddy's stranded in the desert

Three men; Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman and Paddy Scotsman, were stranded in the desert where they found a magic lamp.

Paddy Irishman picked it up, gave it a rub and a genie popped out and exclaimed "You have set me free! I'll grant you all one wish each!"

Paddy Scotsman went first...

A french canadian owned a primate as pet. While walking his pet in a mixed neighbourhood, the primate snatched his car key and ran off. The guy shouted for help.

Mon Key!!!!

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Big Mean Steve

There's a boom town out in the desert in the old west.

One day word starts going around that Big Mean Steve's coming. All the shopkeepers start boarding up their windows and half the town starts loading up their wagons. They ask each other, "You sticking around?" "Hell no, Big Mean Steve's co...

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks for bottom deodorant.

The assistant, a little bemused, explains to the woman they have never sold bottom deodorant. The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the counter, that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular basis, and would like some more.

The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing fu...

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A guy has a mouse stuck in his ass

So he goes to the doctor. The doctor says "Don't worry, I've seen this before" and asks the man to bend over for an exam. Immediately, the doctor sees the nose of the mouse. The doctor says that he knows exactly what to do and he will be right back as he exits the room.

The doctor comes bac...

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Cowboy rides into town....

( For cake day i suggest telling these jokes in series )

A cowboy rides into town. All the way down the main drag, he sees not a single soul.
He pulls up in front of the saloon and the only other person around is the sheriff, sitting on the porch.
He dismounts, ties up his horse, tips...

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Two months ago, while I was leaving Wal-Mart, I got totally scammed.

These two gorgeous college girls, wearing nothing but bikini tops and mini-shorts, started washing my car just as I was about to leave the parking lot. When they were finished, I asked them, "How much should I pay you?" One of the two girls said, "We don't accept payment in money. We accept payment ...

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Two young brothers are having a conversation one morning.

The 6 year old says to the four year old, "When we go down to breakfast, I'll say a sentence with the word 'hell' and you say a sentence with the word 'ass'". The four year old nods his head in agreement and they excitedly go downstairs and sit at the kitchen table.
Mom kisses each boy on the for...

There's a pilot for a new reality show based on hookers in a brothel.

It's call "Deadliest Snatch".

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I was walking home late when I saw a young man trying to snatch a purse from an old lady. So I ran over to help.

She was surprisingly strong, but we got it off her eventually.

At the San Diego zoo the other day…

And looking in on the chimpanzees section and a big male comes up to the glass Right in front of where I’m standing. The chimp points at my shirt pocket and holds his fingers up like he wants to smoke. I pull the pack of cigarettes out of by breast pocket and he starts nodding his head profusely. I...

So there's a purse snatching on Reddit Blvd.

A police officer arrives on scene, notebook in hand. The purseless woman points to a seemingly knowledgable bystander. "I am fairly distraught," she explains "if it is details you seek that man witnessed everything." The cop asks questions and the bystander prefaces his response "biologist here" ...

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A man is out of town on a business trip, and he decides to go looking for some action.

He finds and enters a bar, and is pleased to find that there are several good-looking women inside. Not just good-looking, actually, but beautiful, and all dressed to the nines in sexy outfits, made up to look their prettiest. It's what the Army calls a "target-rich environment". The only problem is...

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A Frenchman, an Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar (do all jokes need to be in bars?)

They all sit down at the bar and each order a pint of brew. The Frenchman notices a fly swimming in his drink, so he pushes the glass aside and says, “Bartender, there is a fly in my drink. Please bring me another.” Strangely enough, the Englishman also finds a fly in his drink, but unlike the Frenc...

A Soviet era joke about the value of hard work - Drink vodka, play cards

*This joke was told to me by a former colleague who was Russian, and had lived and worked under the Soviet system. He was a nuclear engineer there... and the only member of his team not sent to Chernobyl to help in the clean up. Anyway, like our hero of this story, I was fresh faced and a little hig...

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Onion Snatch

One day, 2 women were at a cafe catching up. One of them notices that the other isn't her normal self.

"What's wrong?" Asks one of the women

"I'm feeling really stressed out"

"What's going on?"

"Well to be honest, I haven't had sex in a while"

"And why not? You'...

Just bought Drakes new single, but I couldn't listen to it because a damn fish jumped and snatched the cd out of my hand

I guess it was cod's plan.

Mary needed veggies for dinner but her nails weren't dry yet, and she had friends coming over.

She sends a text to her husband: "Honey please don't forget to buy vegetables on your way back from the office. And Priscilla says 'Hi' to you.”

Paul, her husband, replied “Priscilla?"

“I’m kidding. I was just making sure that you read my message.”

Paul took a moment, then repl...

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Don't mess with that mouse

3 mice are sitting together when one starts bragging about how tough he is. He says, "I'm so tough, I go around collecting all the rat poison I can find, then I put it in my coffee and drink it down!". The 2nd mouse laughs and says, "That's nothing! I'm so tough, I go to mouse traps, snatch up the ...

I asked an extremely fit girl if I could see her snatch...

So she loaded up the bar and asked, "How many?"

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A psychologist was invited into a mental hospital to conduct tests...

... and when he arrived, he declares that the best way to assess mental health is by examining how the patients treat a defenseless living thing.

He then explains his test. He would hand out three rabbits to patients in isolation and begin observation.

He hands a rabbit to Ralph.
...

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Drunken adventure

George was planning on going out with "The Boys" when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house.

George's Wife: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt."

George: "But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all n...

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NSFW: The Monkey and the Lion

There was a problem amongst the denizens of the jungle.

A monkey had recently been fucking all the different animals in the jungle against their will, save for the lions, as they are at the top of the food chain. Literally all the different animals had fallen victim to the monkey; he was ind...

This is a Mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

Three large trolls were sitting around the campfire discussing their health.

"My doctor tolt me I need to get meself some exercise. Good fer me heart. So I tossed 'im up high in there air. Daggum good exercise."

The next troll laughed, "If ye gots any heart at all, its as hard and cold as granite. My doctor tolt me I was lack toes intolrant. Ain't sure what 'e meant s...

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A hawk snatched my gf's chihuahua today..

..it got rid of that annoying bitch for me in one fowl swoop.

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A man walks into a bar carrying a plastic bag

The Bartender asks, "What's in the bag?" The guy doesn't reply. Instead, reaches into the bag and pulls out a lamp, a tiny stool, a tiny piano, and a tiny man in a tuxedo that appears to only be a foot tall. The guy sets the piano down in front of the stool, and the tiny man sits on it and starts pl...

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A young painter once had an old ladder

The ladder was one he’d found in a dumpster a few years before and, since he was poor and needed a ladder, he snatched it up and considered himself lucky. Over time, as he used the ladder on large murals, it would invariably be off-kilter, would not sit flush to the wall, or a rung would slip and ro...

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"So, Doctor van Helsing, we meet at last," said the Count.

van Helsing turned slowly. The castle library was lit in patches by the bright moonlight spilling through the windows, and otherwise only in a circle of yellow gold by the Dutchman's candle. He had never even heard the door open or a hint of a footfall; and yet there Count Dracula was, less than twe...

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What did Netflix do when they found uncensored shots of Sandra Bullock's vagina in Bird Box?

Bandersnatch.

I'm sorry.

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The Medicran (long)

Fair warning: I heard this from my Dad years ago, so…dad joke ahead. Consider yourself warned.

Long ago, a tribe of the northlands was being savaged by the fearsome Medicran. A council of the tribes elders, after some discussion decided something needed to be done. They charged the tribe’s b...

An atheist is walking along the bank of Loch Ness, suddenly, out of the depths appears Nessie.

She snatched the atheist up in her jaws and threw her head back, throwing thim up in the air. Just before the atheist fell into Nessie's jaws he cries out

"Oh god help me!"

Amazingly, time froze and God appeared next to the atheist. God asked:
"My son, all your life you have fo...

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A giant burly tough-as-nails biker dude barges into a bar...

A giant burly tough-as-nails biker dude barges into a bar and strolls up to the bar that already has wall to wall customers. He shoves everyone to one side and demands the bartender's attention. Everyone is immediately cowed into silence by the look of him.

"Gimme a shot of whiskey!" He barks...

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A Science-Minded Deviant

There's this scientist that loves dolphins. He loves dolphins so much, he wants to figure out a way to make them live forever. For years he slaves away in his basement laboratory, and he believes that he has found a compound that when given to dolphins, will make them live forever. The only probl...

Moses, Jesus, and an old man go golfing...

They’ve been going for a bit now and they’re at the final hole. It’s a large course with a big lake right in the middle of the fair lane, with the hole on the other side.

Jesus goes first. He hits the ball and it lands on the shallows of the lake. Jesus walks across the water and hits it and...

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God woke up with a hangover.

He held His temples as one of His angels knocked gently on the door. He grumbled them inward.

"Sorry to disturb You, Sir," the angel said hesitantly. "But I wanted to congratulate you on yesterday's creations. For the most part, they were spectacular!"

"Wha...?" God mumbled blearily....

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A man is eating in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air. "Oh my god, I am sooo sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dinner tog...

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."...

Poor Dave ...

Poor Dave had spent his life making wrong decisions. If he bet on a horse, it would lose. If he chose one elevator rather than another, it was the one he chose that stalled between floors. The line he picked before the bank teller's cage never moved. And so it went, day after day, year after year. T...

A young man goes into a confessional booth and confesses to the priest that he used the Lord's name in vain.

"Tell me what happened my child, so we may begin the path of forgiveness." Said the priest behind the curtain.

"I was golfing," began the man. "And my first shot went deep into the rough."

"Ah, and that is where you misused the Lord's name is it?" Replied the priest.

"No father,...

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A LONG ONE( but worth it): One wet, cold morning...

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet p...

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar

They all begin discussing their own churches and synagogue. As the night goes on, they drink more and more, and the discussion starts to turn competitive. Each starts to boast about how eloquent they are, and how great they are at converting non believers. Eventually, the bartender gets sick of it. ...

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I heard they were making a new Power Rangers show, so I checked it out.

Since the producers wanted to show to be more fluid to all people, they decided to bring in new rangers. They had all the usual colored rangers, but then they started to add a few more as the show went on.


There were three new rangers that had different disabilities. One was colored ora...

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Olympic Weightlifting joke

Why would you want to date a weightlifter over a powerlifter?

The weightlifter has a good clean, jerk, and has an incredible snatch!

Three T-Rexes are walking when one of them brushes against a shiny stone.

A genie appears and grants them one wish each.

The first says
"Make a huge hunk of meat fall from the sky in front of me."
The genie clicks his finger and it happens. The first T-Rex begins eating happily.

Thinking of the possibilities the second T-Rex yells
"Make a shower ...

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If a woman's bra is an "Over-the-Shoulder-Boulder-Holder" and a man's underwear is an "Under-the-Butt-Nut-Hut"...

Then does that make a woman's panties a "Below-the-Patch-Snatch-Hatch?"

Thump... Thump... Thump...

A man is walking home one foggy night,
When behind him he hears:

Thump…

Thump…

Thump…

He looks back, but the source of the sound is obscured by the fog. He continues walking.

Thump…

Thump…

Thump…

He begins to walk faster, and looks back over...

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A New Yorker goes hunting in the Alps...

... he’s never hunted in his life, so he gets a local guide to show him.

The guide explains “Is very easy, up the mountain, Pierre will make the sound of an elk in heat, the elk will come out of his cave, you point the shotgun at it and shoot. Got it?”

“Yeah yeah, this’ll be easy” say...

A guy is golfing by himself and shanks a ball hard.

He yells, "Goddamn it all to hell!"

St. Peter hears him and asks God, "Aren't you going to do anything about that?"

God says, "Yep."

Next hole is a long par five over water ending in a dog leg. The guy tees up and crushes the ball. It hits the water but just as it does, a turtle...

Centuries ago, on a remote island in the North Atlantic...

Vikings arrived and began a settlement with help from their Irish thralls. But they weren't alone. All manner of otherworldly beings lurked in the island's hidden corners. The Vikings called these beings *vættir*; the Gaels called them *Aes Sídhe*.

Among these beings were the selkies who frol...

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A little boy goes shopping with his mom and is waiting outside the changing room for her to come out.

While waiting, the little boy gets bored and as his mom comes out sees him sliding his hand up a mannequins skirt. "Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't ge...

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When I was eight my grandfather told me...

There was this small pond in the woods and above it a fly was buzzing back and forth.

On the edge of the pond was a frog. The frog thought to itself, “If only that buzzing fly were a little lower I could hop up over the pond and eat it for my lunch.”

On a branch in the tree next to th...

I made a lot of girls wet last year

but I ain't snatching umbrellas anymore.

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Kim Jong-un of North Korea has said he's going to destroy America

So Trump was livid saying "That's MY job, and I'm not going to just stand by and see an Asian snatch away another American job."

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A luxury airplane is flying over Europe, carrying five passengers: representatives from England, Japan, USA, Canada, and Russia.

The pilot emerges from the cockpit, interrupting their conversation. "Slowly but surely, we are falling. I will attempt to crash-land as smoothly as possible, but I urge you to jump out with a parachute."

After briefly explaining how to use the parachutes, the pilot goes back to the controls....

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Jesus and Moses are golfing in a threesome.

Moses tees off first and uncorks a high sailing slice. The ball plops into the middle of a lake. Unperturbed, Moses walks to the edge of the lake, raises his club, and the waters part. Moses chips onto the green.

Jesus tees off next. He blades a worm-burner that heads for the lake, skipping ...

A frog goes into a bank

“What can I help you with?” asks the Teller.

“I’d like to apply for a loan” says the frog.

“Oh” says the Teller “you need to speak with our Loan Officer, Miss Whack”.

The Teller leads the frog to Miss Whacks office and, informs her that the frog wants to apply for a loan. “What ...

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A couple are getting ready for a Halloween party.

The wife walks out with only a lemon hanging over her snatch. The husband takes one look and storms off to the kitchen and return with a potato on his dong. The wife says "what the hell" and the husband replies "well shit, if you're going as a sour puss then I'm going as a dictator"

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A Kotaku throwback

Best Buy Customer Rep: "Good afternoon, welcome to Best Buy. What brings you in to see us today?"

Customer: "I'm pretty interested in one of those new 3D tv's but I thought I'd check it out before I buy. I'm a little concerned over the image quality."

Rep: "I understand your concern si...

A fisherman took his boat far out to sea. He hooked a huge fish, and fought it for hours.

Unfortunately, as he wasn’t strapped into his seat, he was yanked overboard, and began to drown. Suddenly, he was rescued and brought back to his boat by a pair of dolphins. Without thinking, the fisherman thanked them.
They replied, “You’re welcome!” Aghast, the fisherman said, “You can talk! Th...

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An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Frenchman walk into a bar...

they all sit down at the and order a beer. Just before their first sips, a fly lands in each of their respective beers.

The Frenchman pushes his beer back with his nose in the air and exclaims, "barkeep! This beer is spoiled, bring me a fresh one".

The Englishman plucks the fly...

A biker walks into the bar

He looks at a depressed person sitting with his drink in his hand, he walks up to him, snatches the drinks and downs it in one gulp

"what you gonna do about it?" he says

"This is the worst day of my life!" the depressed man cries

"I'm a complete failure. I was late at the office...

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Take that back Olympics

Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators during the Olympics that they would like to take back....

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is...

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A man find himself feeling really, really, very horny but also short on money.

Nevertheless, he heads to his local bordello in search of some relief.

He walks in, goes to the nice lady at the front desk, and slaps a $5 dollar bill on the counter. "Lady, this is all the money I got, but I really need some satisfaction, if you get my meaning. What can you do for me?...

Joe and Bob are sitting outside a cafe enjoying a couple cigars when a young boy walks out of the ice cream parlour right next door.

Joe says "see that kid over there, dumbest kid I ever met, watch this...." and he calls the kid over.

Joe puts 50 cents in one of his hands, and a dollar bill in the other and holds them both out to the boy. Joe says "which do you want, 50 cents, or a dollar?" The boy quickly snatches up the ...

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A mailman was retiring after running the same route over 20 years, he had gotten to know the people pretty well so he left little notes of appreciation in their mailboxes...

The next day he gets to the first house on the block and the couple there greet him with a going away present and say there goodbyes.

This goes on for the next few houses.

But about 5 houses in a lady greets him at the door in nothing but her underwear. She snatches him inside and pro...

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The CIA is running a recruitment program for potential assassins...

The recruiter has selected three canidates, two men and a woman.
He hands a gun to the first man and says, "Okay, your wife is in that interrogation room. If you want in, then you have to kill her."
The man immediate refuses and is sent home.
The recruiter then hands the gun to the sec...

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Tarzan and Jane

One day, Jane decides to teach Tarzan about sex.
As she is giving him the basics, Tarzan goes:
"Oh, Tarzan know sex. Tarzan sometimes do with hole in tree"
Horrified, Jane goes:
"My word, Tarzan, no, that's so terribly wrong. Here," she lays down on her back and opens her legs "You have ...

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