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Caught Stealing Jokes

A British man, a French man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.

They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.

The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests...

I almost got caught stealing a board game today...

But it was a Risk I was willing to take

A man from Saudia Arabia got caught stealing a hand sanitizer

He wont be needing it anymore

What did little Abdhul say to his Mom after he was caught stealing the second time?

"Look Ma, no hands!"

A boy asks his dad a question

A boy asks his dad "Why do they say gardeners have green thumbs,when their thumbs are not green?"

The dad replies,"It's just a saying son,It's like when somebody is caught stealing,they say they have been caught 'red handed',even though their hands is black."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

FUCK! I got caught stealing this iphone

Looks like I'm facing time

I got caught stealing kitchen utensils from my friend’s house.

I guess it was a whisk I was willing to take.

Did you hear about the 2 guys that got caught stealing a calendar?

They both got 6 months.

A conjurer was caught stealing in Saudi Arabia.

It's ok, he can still do amazing feets of magic.

I was caught stealing a rainbow once

Ended up getting thrown in prism

How did the bald man live after he got caught stealing a wig?

He lived toupee.

Did you hear about the guy caught stealing a statue?

The robbery was a bust.

Did you hear about the Irishman caught stealing beer?

His name was Nick McGuinness .

A man was caught stealing a used battery from a neighbour.

Police: Why did you commit the crime, sir?

Man: Oh, I heard it was free of charge.

I got caught stealing at the florist.

When the cops arrived I insisted it was a plant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did ya hear? Captain Marvel got caught stealing soft French cheese...

It was Brie Larseny

One day, a man was caught stealing and was arrested before being tossed in a cell.

“I want my phone call” He demanded, through the bars. Assuming this man had no family that would want to help out a thief, the prison guard laughed: “Who are you going to call?”

With the most serious face one could have, the prisoner said “I want to speak to the highest office in the land - P...

My friend got caught stealing a car. I told him he should change careers.

He didn’t know how to take it.

What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?

I did it for the Monet

If a red panda is caught stealing, what do you call it?

It was caught Red Panded

If you get caught stealing in most countries, the police take your fingerprints and release you...

If you get caught stealing in Iran, the police take your fingerprints and you don't get them back.

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head get caught stealing the Emperor's pig.

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head get caught stealing the Emperor's pig. The punishment for such an offense is obviously death by firing squad. In the holding cell, waiting for their fate, Red head says to the other two, "I have an idea! follow my lead!"
Upon being called, Red head walks up, ...

My father always complained about his firing from Lay's after being caught stealing produce.

He always did have a huge chip on his shoulder.

Did you hear about the atom that was caught stealing electrons?

He was arrested and charged.

...this is the stuff I come up with while procrastinating studying for finals.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the supreme court justice who was caught stealing the scraps from restaurant booths?

Police identified her as Booth Raider Ginsburg.

A baker gets caught stealing from the reigning champion the night before the Big Bake-off.

If you want to win, sometimes you got to take a whisk.

What was the name of the meth cook who got caught stealing baked beans?

Heinzenburg

Stealing guitars

Judge: It appears you were caught stealing guitars. Are you a first offender?

Defendant: No, it was a Gibson, then a fender.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A man faces judgement after stealing a loaf of bread.

He is thrown to the floor infront of a Judge, who announces, "The prisoner is to be hung, immediately". The guards pick up the man and drag him out.

A week passes and the same man is thrown infront of the Judge, having been caught stealing more bread.

"GUARDS!!" Shouts the Judge, "Em...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Ex-girlfriend had a really weird fetish

She liked to dress like herself and act like a fucking bitch all the time.

A sailor meets a pirate in a bar

The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch.

The sailor asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off....

Directly to Jesus

One of the problems catholic priests face is how to keep their young alter boys from misbehaving or not accomplishing the tasks given to them, as they have not yet concerted their faith and devotion. One year at the annual meeting of cardinals a group of priests from all over the world were complain...

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