UPJOKE

Caught Off Guard Jokes

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DJ gets Caught Off Guard

A guy calls into a radio station and he says he has a joke for the DJ. The DJ goes, “Alright, let’s hear it.”

The caller asks, “First, are we allowed to say ‘penis’ on the air?”

The DJ says, “It is the specific medical or clinical term so yes, you can use it.”

Caller: “OK, what...

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Mom, what's a pussy?

"Mom, what's a pussy?," the boy asks.

The mom gets a little flustered and abruptly answers. "A cat! It's a cat, sweetie."

"Mom, what's a bitch?"

Again, caught off guard but with only slight hesitation, the mother answers, "A dog. It's a dog, sweetie."

Having a feeling t...

Barking mouse

The cat closes in upon them as the terrified baby mice back into the corner with no where to run. Suddenly, out in a distance behind the cat, mama mouse began barking "woof, woof!". Caught off guard the cat immediately turned tail and ran. Seeing that the coast is clear, mama mouse came up to her ba...

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So, a guy is being shown around an insane asylum on his first day of working there

He looks into a room through a window in the door and sees a man flailing his arms back and forth. So he asks “What are you doing in there”?

The reply back is “I’m a famous baseball player, and when I get out of here I’m going to win the World Series”

Moving on to the next door and lo...

A man is laying carpet at a woman's house and it's a long, hot job.

He finally finishes and reaches into his shirt pocket for a pack of cigarettes and they are not there.

He glances at a small lump out of the carpet I realize they slipped out of his pocket. Bam! Bam! Bam! He flattens them till it looks great, there is no way he's going to take up all that car...

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An Observant Farmer, And A Protective Father

One day, Farmer John was tilling his outer most field. The mid-day sun was beating down something fierce, so he decided to shut down his tractor and take a break. Just as he's getting off his tractor to head up to the house for a glass of water, he notices his eldest daughter, Lily, run into his bar...

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We are playing poker

One night this little boy walks into his parents room & they were going at it. The little boy asked "what are y'all doing?" His dad looks back & quickly says "uggghh. We are playing poker & your mom is a wildcard"

A few days later the little boy walks into his sister's room. Her &...

Super cheesy joke my dad told me over the holiday

Three ropes walk into a bar.
The first rope walks up to the bar and orders three drinks. The bartender gruffly says, "We don't serve your kind here!"
Walking back to his friends, the rope relays the news. The second rope says, "Let me give it a try."
Upon reaching the bar he's also quickly...

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I think Jobs are too snoopy when it comes to our private sex lives

Whenever it has the spot on the application that says “sex: ”, as a young man, I’m always just slightly caught off guard. I reluctantly put my number of times there.

Sometimes it provides me with the choice of “M” or “F” online. I always select the F for few. Hopefully one day I’ll be able to...

I can't believe this happened

I was on the toilet, and shortly after I sat down I heard from the stall next door, "Hi, how are you?". Embarrassed but not wanting to be rude I said "doing fine?" Then I hear them ask "So what are you up to?". ?!?! "Um..." I said "Same as you I'd guess. Just sitting here." Then I'm completely caug...

A policeman is interrogating three new recruits training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first recruit a picture for five seconds and then hides it. 


“This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?” The recruit answers, "That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!” The policeman says, "Recruit!...

I recently decided to learn a new instrument and join a band, I decided to try the bass because it seemed easy enough. After a few weeks of having it I went and tried out for a band. After a horrible performance the judges looked at me and asked if this had been some kind of joke.

I was absolutely floored and caught off guard, from the beginning I thought I could get in by just walking in and pulling a few strings.

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A cowboy is sitting in a bar having a whiskey

Before too long, a young, attractive blonde in a short skirt walks in and takes a seat up next to him at the bar. He offers to buy her a drink, so she asks for a martini.


They talk for a short while and hit it off fairly well. As the blonde finishes her martini and goes to eat the ol...

Happy Halloween

Bob thought his new neighbor across the street was strange from the moment he first moved in.  The new neighbor, Jack, was a dorky middle-aged white man, who laughed at his own jokes, which he told repeatedly, and only talked about the stupidest stuff, which he always claimed was super popular on Re...

A business was looking for office help and puts a sign on the window

The sign reads: "HELP WANTED: We are an equal opportunity employer looking for someone good with computers, Word, Excel and is bilingual"

One day a dog walks up, sees the sign and goes inside. He looks at the receptionist, looks back at the sign and barks.

Figuring out what the dog ca...

A beautiful woman was filling her car with gas...

I noticed that she wasn’t paying much attention; she was looking at her phone as she removed the pump from her car and accidentally spilled gasoline on herself.

As she got into her car she pulled out a cigarette and lit it, but the gasoline on her arm set on fire. Luckily, there was a cop a...

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Bill Clinton gets a new receptionist

Bill Clinton gets a new, hot receptionist in the white house. She is setting up her desk when all of a sudden the intercom buzzes

Bill: "Hey baby, could you come in here for a second? I want to show you my new clock."

Secretary: "yes sir, ill be right there"

She opens the door a...

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A man walks into a bank

and says to the teller, "I want to open a fucking checking account." The teller is caught off guard by his language and says "Sir, I can help you but this is a place of business and we don't tolerate foul language." The man says "I just need to open a god damn checking account." Frustrated, the tell...

A man is at the doctor

A man is at a follow up appointment at the doctor. The doctor walks in and says “I’m sorry, but I’ve got bad news and worse news.”

“Start with the worse news,” says the man.

“You’ve got cancer,” the doctor starts.

Caught off guard, the man replies “okay, what’s the bad news?”<...

A new emerging rock band is having its first concert

To be sure that everything goes perfectly the group's manager decides to invite a well known concert critic: If he decided to come and the concert went well, that would've been their occasion to take off in the world of music

Incredibly the critic accepts their offering and is present in his ...

Wars in the Iberian Peninsula

Having forged a marriage alliance, the kingdoms of Castille and Aragon formed Spain, a united Catholic front to drive the Moors outside of Iberia.

One of the more important battles in the subsequent Reconquista was the siege of Cordoba. Though historians debate what exact tactics the command...

The three blonde detective trainees

A police officer was tasked to train three blonde women to become detectives.

He showed them a picture of a man for five seconds before asking the first blonde how she would recognize him in the streets. "Oh, that's easy! He only has one eye!"

The police officer exclaimed: "Are you stu...

Barbie and G.I. Joe. [NSFW]

A little girl sits on Santa's lap. In a jolly manner, Santa asks "What would you like for Christmas?"

The girl replies without hesitation:"I would like a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."

Santa sits for a moment, thinking about the request. Caught off guard, he says "But little girl, Barbie come...

A remote laptop user calls tech support

A remote laptop user called in and frantically said that all of her emails disappeared. I found them in her deleted folder a few moments later.

Expecting her to want me to tell her how she deleted them, I was trying to come up with solutions for her but then she said, "I know how those got...

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Little Johnny and the Alphabet

Little Johnny is in kindergarten and loves to say curse words. His teacher has become rather annoyed with his bad habit, so much so that she second guesses even calling on little Johnny to answer questions. Today’s lesson was the alphabet. The teacher asks each student to raise their hand if they kn...

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A dad walks in on his son masterbating.

"Son you can't be masterbating."

"But why?" says his son.

Caught off guard the dad trys his best explaining without going into the whole birds and the bees.

A couple incidents later and much more explaning, the dad is still with no success. Finally the dads gives in and says to ...

A king had ten loyal, trusted knights...

... each named for a number from one, of course, to ten. These knights were the strongest, bravest, and smartest warriors in the kingdom.

One day, the princess's favourite necklace went missing. The king was outraged, as he himself had given the necklace to his daughter for her birthday. He c...

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Catching a huge SOB

So a young catholic preist moves to a new city. Once he's there, settled in, he gives a sermon, and at the end informs his congregation that he'd really like to get to know them all a little more personally, and if they ever want to have dinner, or play chess or see a movie he'd welcome the opportun...

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Voodoo Dick

[NSFW]

A husband whose wife is notorious for cheating on him while he is away on business is at his wits end with the whole thing.

He loves his wife dearly, and explained to her that this cannot continue. He has a long trip coming up soon and knows that she is going to cheat on him if ...

A Woman Goes to the Mall

She's walking through a high-end department store and sees a sign for free makeovers.

The young lady doing makeovers sees her and signals that the chair is open.

"Come on and have a seat!"

The woman sits down and marvels at all the products. The young lady lines her up and takes...

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A little boy starts kindergarten

The teacher tells the class, “Tomorrow, I want all of you to be able to tell me the first four letters of the alphabet.”

So the boy goes home and approaches his mother in the kitchen, and asks, “What’s the first letter of the alphabet?” His mother glares at him and says, “Shut up, I’m on the ...

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