Why is a broken cash register like a pirate?

There was no quarter given.

Why did Donald Trump bring his wig to the cash register?

Toupee.

Credit: my wife made this up while we were in bed falling asleep last night.

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A programmer is working on a convenience store cash register...

A programmer is working on the software for a cash register computer at a convenience store. He finally thinks he got it done and tests a few items. Scans a gallon of milk:

> $2.50

Perfect. How about this bag of beef jerky?

> $4.99

Excellent. 20 oz soda?

>...

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I was on shift at Popeye's when a woman approached my cash register and whispered in a very sexy raspy voice,"I want you to choke me."

I was locked in her lustful gaze and I replied...

"biscuits with no drink then?"

Candy at the cash register?

I’ll buy some if it’s a Payday.

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Two girls are working on the cash registers at the grocery store

“You know, I can always tell the single men from the men in relationships.”

“How can you do that?”

“Watch. I’ll show you on the next customer.”

A man approaches the register with his shopping. A single tomato, a single pork chop, a single potato, a single tin of beans and a sing...

*at cash register*

ME: Do I swipe the whole card or...

*[seductively inserts chip]*

Just the tip?

CASHIER: *[into mic]* Security

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A man came up to my cash register.

He put a gun to my head and shouted, "Don't do anything smart."

"O-o-ok." I stuttered.

He said, "Open the cash register!"

I said, "I don't know how to."

He said, "Don't be stupid."

I said, "Fucking hell, make your mind up."

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife

Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the phamacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please list...

A Girl walks into a Supermarket...

...she picks up a banana, a can of soup, and a loaf of bread. She then walks up to the cash register to pay.


The cashier looks at her, and the items she has and says,


"I can tell you're single."



She smiles and responds,



"How do you know that?"
<...

A gorilla walks into a bar

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, no...

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Pavlov walks into a bar

Pavlov walks into a bar. He hears the cash register ring and he says:

"Shit, I forgot to feed my dogs."

A young man walks into a convience store

He walks to a man in his mid-fifties behind the cash register, placing a crinkled twenty dollar bill on the counter.

The young man asks for change with single bills. The old man chuckles and asks "going to the strip club sonny?"

The young man nods, reaching into his pocket for his wall...

There wasn't a price on the bottle of water, so I took it up to the cash register.

"Could you tell me how much this is?" I asked. She said, "That's 500 millilitres, sir."

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My dad was driving a tourist bus filled with Japanese tourists in the 1990s.

A robber came in and stole my dads cash register at one stop. Luckily the police got 500+ photos of the robber as an evidence.

all sales final: no returns

An Australian aborigine has a boomerang that won't come back to him no matter how many times he tries to throw it. Frustrated he goes to the witch-doctor for advice. The witch-doctor asks him where he got the boomerang and the abo tells him he got it from a souvenir shop at Ayer's Rock. The witch-...

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A bartender was getting ready to close for the night

when a robber with a ski mask bursts in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This is a stick-up! Put all your money in this bag!"

The frightened bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!" The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!" The bartender says, "O...

A woman walks into a bar

She sits at the counter and orders a salad with croutons and a creamy dressing.

The waiter delivers her salad, and she hands him a crisp $20 bill. As the waiter walks back to the cash register he holds it to the light and realizes it's a counterfeit! He snaps around to see the woman grabbing ...

So I was paying for my lunch the other day

And there were 2 cash registers. It was halloween at the time and they were selling ghost cookies. I said to the cashier "Could I have a ghost cookie please?" And a woman at the other cash register said the same. Then I said "I guess you could say they're selling like ghost cookies!"

*strums ...

So a doctor starts up a practice and decides to challenge himself, so he puts out a sign: "I'll cure any sickness for only $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $500!"

A lawyer sees the sign out front and decides this would be some easy fast cash so he goes in to see the doctor.

"Doctor I cant taste anything!"

Doctor says "nurse go grab vial 43!", she brings it and he puts two drops on the lawyer's tongue.

The lawyer quickly spits it out and s...

A man takes over his brother's peach shop for a couple days

His brother tells him all the peaches are worth 25 cents. The next day, a child comes up to him and wants to buy some peaches:

Child: How much do they cost?

Man: 25 cents

Child: Are they fresh?

The man is stumped by this question, so he asks his brother. His brother te...

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Mr Simpson owned a high end clothing store.

One day, just around closing up, a pretty young woman walks in, browses for a bit and ends up staring at a very expensive designer dress standing proudly in the centre of the store.
Mr Simpson notices, quietly walks up beside her and says 'it's a beauty, isn't it?'
She glances at him, sighs ...

A man goes to work at a grocery store.

The man isn't too bright, so they give him a job a grocer. All is going well, until a boy runs up to him and asks how much the tomatoes cost.

The man, baffled, says, "I don't know." He realizes that he just lost a customer to his incompetence. He goes to his boss for help.

His boss g...

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A group of strippers are robbing their old establishment

One turns to the rest and says "So what are we taking?"



"The cash register!" one says,



"The gold decorations!" says another,



Soon the conversation devolves into chaos and yelling,



One turns to the others and says "Alright guys, let's just t...

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A woman has just lost a bunch of weight through diet pills and is at the department store buying new clothes.

A woman has just lost a bunch of weight through diet pills and is at the department store buying new clothes. As she's trying on clothes, she proudly announces to the person at the fitting room "I'm buying new dresses because I just lost a bunch of weight, guess how much I weigh now!" The employee ...

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A man walks into a bar, sits in the middle of the counter and orders a beer.

He drinks his beer quietly and then asks how much he owes.

The bartender says, "$3."

The man puts a one-dollar bill in front of him, gets up, walks to the left end of the counter, puts down a one-dollar bill, walks to the right end of the counter, puts down a one-dollar bill and walks ...

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My Grocery Store Experience

5-7min read. Based on a true story.

---

I was at the grocery store yesterday picking up some ingredients to make breakfast for the week. I already had a few essentials picked out like Milk, Eggs, & Bacon. Yes, Bacon is an essential. I moved to the cereal aisle but got stuck decidin...

Blonde walks into an Electronics store

She walks up to one of the Items and taps the nearest sales person on the shoulder “excuse me sir, how much for that TV??”
The sales person looked her up and down and said “I’m sorry ma’am but we don’t sell TV’s to blondes”
The blonde gets upset and leaves the store.
She goes home furious...

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[NSFW] Skilled Frog

A woman walked into a pet store one day to get some supplies. She went up to the cash register to pay for them and she saw a sign next to a small fish tank that said, "Pussy eating frogs - $50. So not to be embarrassed she whispered to the cashier, "I'll take one of those." The cashier said, "Ok, no...

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My favorite joke involving an old woman and a dildo

An old woman walked into a sex shop and approached the clerk behind the cash register.

"Excuse me young man, do you sell dildos here?" She asked the clerk.

The clerk was of course surprised to see such an old woman in the shop, but still managed to be polite and replied "Yes we do ma'...

A man is looking for a job in the news paper

A man is looking for a job in the news paper and he finds an ad for a donut shop, he applies and almost immediately gets the job.

On his first day he walks in the manager shoves him an apron and says

"all you have to do is sell donuts at the counter"

The man nods his head, pu...

A bear walks into McDonald’s

and goes to order at the cash register.

“What can I get for you, sir?” Asked the employee.

“I would like a Big Mac... ... ... ... ... ... and fries.”

“What’s with the big pause there, sir?”

The bear looks down, “Oh these? I was born with them.”

A woman was at the supermarket

A woman was at the supermarket with her kid and was about to check out. When she got to the cash register, all she had was a backpack. The clerk asked her why she wanted the backpack since her kid was still very young. She responded, "I'm going to stuff my kid in the backpack and carry him around." ...

A doctor sees a “brains for sale” sign in front of a shop.

He goes in and sees a doctor’s brain is $8 a pound, paramedic brain is $12 a pound, nurses brain is $30 a pound, truck driver is $40, and a lawyer brain is $90 a pound. He asks the person behind the cash register, “Why is a doctor brain worth $8 a pound but a lawyer brain is worth $90?” The cashier ...

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The little boy who couldn’t speak some words right

Today was a young boy’s birthday. His mother gave him money to spend on this special day. So he goes to the near by stores near his home.
The first store he enters was general store. He tells the clerk,” May i buy this bum and fuket?” The clerk looks confused but then realise he pointing at the g...

Sweet Old couple

A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.

Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who h...

A man walks into a grocery store

After getting all his food he brings it to the cash register to ring it up. The cashier says "that'll be $49.95", The man hands him a $100 bill and the cashier asks "do you have anything smaller? We've been having a rash of counterfeit bills lately"; the man reaches in his pockets and hands him a $5...

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A little old lady went to the grocery store...

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the check out
counter.
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the man...

What do you call a Jewish piano?

A cash register.

Dad joke [OC]

*My dad with a coffee at the gas station cash register:*

Cashier: any gas with that?

Dad: no thanks, I drink mine black

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The Pharmacy

Two spinster sisters own a pharmacy. One night when they are in the back room busily filling prescriptions a man approaches the cash register area dressed in a trench coat. Unknown to the sisters he took too many Viagras and has had an erection for the last 6 hours. As one of the sisters approaches ...

Beware Dangerous Dog!

On the door of the general store, a customer noticed the sign DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! He carefully entered the store, but once inside all he saw was a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. He asked the store manager, “Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”...

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The bitch

A man walks into a bar with a St. Bernard and asks for a martini. The dog requests a double martini.
The bartender says to the man "So you're a ventriloquist. Big deal. We don't serve dogs in here."

The man gets up to go to the men's room, and the dog again requests his drink.

The ...

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The Boy from Toronto

A boy stopped by a deli one early morning in Brooklyn hoping to get a job.

* "How are you with people, kid?" The owner inquired.

* *"Great," said the boy. "My previous job at a grocery store had me working cash registers and facing clients all day."*

* "Perfect," replied the...

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A man is hiring a girl at his bar

He is faced with three girls, but only one one will get the job.

He asks them what they would do is they found 20 dollars on the ground near the cash register.

1st girl: 'I'd pick it up and put it in the register.'

2nd girl: 'I'd pick it up, ask the manager of it was his THEN ...

An old lady goes to buy cat food....

The person working the cash register says "I'm sorry ma'am but there has been reports of elderly people eating this stuff, we'll need to see proof of your cat." The old lady sighs and leaves. The next day she comes back with a box that contains her cat. The clerk sees this and let's her purchase ...

The Orange Cashier [Long]

A recent U.S. immigrant who spoke no English decided to get a job at the local supermarket.
On the first day of the job, a customer approaches him with a cart full of oranges and asks, "Are these oranges fresh?"

The cashier remains silent, so the customer leaves without purchasing the ora...

Whenever I talk to a Mexican I feel like there's some kind of barrier between us

It's about 4 ft high, made of wood and there's usually a cash register on top of it.

I went to ferguson and all I got was this stupid T-Shirt

And this cash register, and this Xbox, and this flat screen tv.

Single or Married ?

A woman is shopping in the local supermarket. She selects some milk, some eggs, a carton of juice, and a package of bacon. As she unloads her items at the cash register to pay, a drunk standing behind her in line watches her place the four items on the belt and states with assurance, "You must be si...

Two men sign up for a tour...

...of the Amazon River. When they get there, the two men are extremely excited to start this journey, as it was not easy to pay for.
They finally arrive, and, hardly containing their enthusiasm, show their tickets to the woman at the cash register.
Upon seeing the tickets she tells them to f...

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