You've never partied till you've partied with a terrorist.

Because they the bomb.

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My wife is good in bed.

She easily sleeps till 11am.

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If u sit in the toilet to take a poop at 11:58pm and your still there till 12:03 am

Is it The same shit different day?

My wife told me I spend too much time on Reddit.

Wait till she finds out I downvoted her comment.

“I lived with my mother till I was twelve”

“I thought you said she died when you were nine?”

“Yes, she did...”

Boy: "Let's play firetruck game. I will move my hand up your leg till you say RED LIGHT" -Girl: "RED LIGHT"

Boy: "Firetrucks don't stop at red lights"

How does a cannibal know it's not long anymore till supper ?

When it gets quiet in the kitchen.

Don’t knock it till you try it

Unless it’s murder

Never put off till tomorrow,

what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Wait for few months till we reach 2020

Then we can hear '10's playlist' on Spotify

Don't stop working till your bank account looks like a phone number.

Hello, operator?

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I've been seeing my neighbour for the past few months, right up till she started to be extremely rude.

I mean who the fuck closes their blinds when they sleep.

It is funny how my wife waits for me in the kitchen all night till I come back from the pub...

...just to ask me what time it is.

If you ever miss 4:20 wait till 4:22...

...because 4:22 is 4:20 too.

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I made this joke today, and it's the worst joke. This is an original, please read till the end and you will see.

Edit: Yes, it's a joke of another joke (Obviously should be able to tell from the title). Read through, not only the punchline is different, you should be able to notice the other subtle changes.



There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-known...

Last night I had a Tupperware party that went on till 4 in the morning.

Might have lasted even longer but the cops came round and we had to put a lid on it.

"Don't knock it till you've tried it!"

A really confusing phrase when you're trying to buy a door.

I work for the largest nanotechnology company till date.

We’re not very good.

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I walked up to the counter and asked the girl at the till to give me a KitKat chunky.

She handed me a KitKat Chunky. I said no, I wanted a regular KitKat, you fat bitch.

Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of £1.03 and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note.

She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change."

I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"

She sarcastically said " of course it would help"

So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?"

I said "Yes please!"

"How much?" She ...

Till death

So imagine a world where a person dies, goes to heaven, and gets a vehicle based on how faithful they were to their spouse.

Three men all die at the same time and are sentenced to their vehicle along side one another.

*The first man*: He was faithful to his spouse every day of his lif...

“My wife’s identical twin sister is living with us till she finds a job”

I said to my friend

He asked “ do you know how to tell them apart ?”

I remarked “ why should I ?”

I like to do the "drink till she's cute thing"....

...Except I'm anti-social, and don't like to hang out in bars. So I sit at home in front of a mirror and drink until I'm cute. That takes a long, long time.

Old Man Richard Harrison: I want to live till I am 100

Death: Best I can do is 77

A young couple, just married, were...

in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, who was a big, burly man, tossed his pants to the bride and said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on, but they were way too big.

"I can't wear your pants," she said.

"That's right,"...

Singing in the shower is all fun and games till you get soap in your mouth

Then it’s a soap opera

Women only call me ugly till they find out how much money I make....

Then they call me ugly and poor.

How many mulas till a solution?

One mula...
Two mula...
Three mula...
Formula.

I made this up. No one ever laughs. It must be my delivery.

Till death do us part...

... After a car accident involving a couple they both loose their lives. As the wife is waiting in line to get into heaven she sees her now decease hunsand making out with a younger better looking woman. In a fit if rage she turns to him "how can you do this to me Dave we have been married for almos...

Drink 'Till She's Cute

A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordered a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before the man's curiosity got the best of him. He ...

FEED ME DARKS JOKES TILL I GO TO HELL!!!

I need one ticket to hell. well maybe two, for my dog, i could use the company. if you could help me laugh my way to hell that would be amazing! plez reddit I need your help! FEED ME DARK JOKES!
But first we need rules for this:
Rule 1: must be a joke.
Rule 2: non political statements
Ru...

I can't wait till New Year's Day, 2021.

Then I can say hindsight is really 2020.

Now I'm just going to wait till the end of 2016 and hope Obama says:

"Chill out guys, all of this was just a prank. I'm going for the 3rd term".

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope you're are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. B...

I used to live in New Orleans till Katrina took everything I had.

Sometimes I wish she’d stayed in Latvia.

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"the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon"

There was a college professor who liked to tell "dirty" stories during lectures. A group of annoyed female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following d...

Back in the nightclub I danced and I grooved, I flew United till I got...

[removed]

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A man in a balaclava walked up to my till and put a gun to my head.

"Don't try anything smart!" he ordered.

"OK." I replied.

"Open your till and give me the money!" he yelled.

I said, "I don't know how to open it."

He said, "Don't be fucking stupid!"

I said, "Jesus...make your mind up."

So a 1024MB Memory Card walks into a bar...

The Memory Card spots a piano, sits down at it and starts playing some incredible music.

After a number of songs, mostly original, the Memory Card gets up and the bar goes wild with cheers and applause.

The bar owner was incredibly impressed and runs up to the Memory Card and says, "Bu...

A cop pulls over a guy on a motorcycle...

and asks him for his name.

"My name is Ed." he said.

"Just Ed? no last name?"

"Just Ed."

"care to explain?" asked the cop.

"Well, it started a long time ago. I was Ed Johnson. As a kid, I always wanted to be a doctor. So I studied hard and finally graduated medic...

Known as the "one-day insect" the Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of all organisms...

But it still lives longer than my headphones.

Don't fire till you see the whites of their eyes.

OH MY GOD THEY'RE CHINESE!

Three guys are out fishing when Dave falls out of the boat and sinks like a stone.

The two left start panicking and pull in their rods but one is caught on something.
Pull him up,pull him up, they both heave till he is in the boat and not breathing.
I know mouth to mouth yells Steve and gets right down to business administering first aid to their fallen buddy Dave. After a c...

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God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, 'Where have you been?'
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, 'Look, Michael. Look what I've made.'
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, 'What is it?'
'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's...

There once was a Reddit named jokes

There once was a reddit named jokes

That attracted a whole lot of folks

If you read it all through

'till the links aren't blue

You'll find that they're all just reposts

A rabbit crosses an intersection and gets hit by a car,killing it instantly...

An animal lover,concerned about the well being of the rabbit,gets out of her car and rushes over to the rabbit,takes it's pulse,and immediately grabs a can out of her purse.She sprays it on the rabbit and instantly the recent roadkill jumps back to life,hops three times and waves,hops three times a...

One of the best moments in my life was hearing my wife day "till death do us part."

I wish I would've known she was talking about her legs....

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There was a man who recently started dating an extremely attractive woman

Soon he found out that he was required to spend 3 weeks in Hong Kong for work. He thought to himself "Damn, I'm going for 3 weeks and knowing the needs of my girlfriend, I'm sure she'll cheat on me".

He decides to go to a sex shop so that he could buy something with which his girlfriend could...

My girlfriend left a note on my fridge this morning saying "this isn't working, bye"

I opened it up and it was working fine, so I'll just wait till she comes home to ask her what she meant.

My (Swedish) grandfather told me this joke

A Swedish immigrant finally arrives at Ellis Island after days at sea, and with only $15 in his pocket. He's eager to get a job, find a place to live, and start his new life in America, but after such a long and hard journey, his first stop is to get a drink to unwind!

He walks into the first...

A joke I will always love

In the distant future when interstellar space travel is common place, scientists are traveling through galaxies to find life on other planets. On one planter many light years away, they find a giant granite statue statue of a man in a squatting position. Upon close inspection they find this statue i...

What do you call a psychopathic farm?

A hos-till farm

A priest, a rabbi, and a Baptist preacher were out fishing together

"We should all confess our sins," the priest suggests. "Give it a shot and see how it feels."

The three agree, and the Catholic goes goes first. "I'm an alcoholic. I drink till I black out every night."

"I love watching naked women on the internet," the rabbi confesses. "I just can't s...

A very heavy blond went to the clinic to lose weight.

The doctor told her to eat what she normally ate for three days and then skip a day. He told her she would have lost at least 4 pounds till the next month.

She came back four weeks later, 30 pounds lighter! The doctor looked at her surprised and said "How do you feel now?"

Blonde: "I a...

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A husband suspects his wife is having an affair.

But he fails to gather the adequate proof necessary to blame her.
One day after coming home he sees her wife in bed, stark naked.
"So my suspicion was right! Where is that bastard?" he shouts in anger and swiftly rushes to look for him.
He doesn't find anyone but right when he was about to ...

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Buddy laid this one on me a while back. His acting made me believe it all the way till the punchline.

Was at a party when a friend starts telling this story. You'll have to change some things around to make it work for you but it goes like this.

So did you hear I got a ticket last week? I was driving down this farm road cause I thought it would be a short cut getting to my girlfriends house....

How many crackheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

4 - one to hold the lightbulb and the other 3 to smoke till the room starts spinning

Not getting vaccinated can help you not get autism

Because you don’t show signs till 12-18 months of age

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A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it.

In order the figures were:

1) A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David.

After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a...

Dance till you feel hurt. Sing till your lungs hurt. Act till you're William Hurt. - Phil Dunphy

From Phil's Osophies (Modern Family). I have to get that book.

Where Is God?

Two brothers are terrible trouble makers. They are always breaking things, stealing things, lying, and making all kinds of general trouble. The parents have tried everything to get the boys to change, to no avail. Finally, out of options, they ask their pastor if he can help. He says he will talk to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three old men talking about their health problems.

One says “I get up a seven and it takes me twenty minutes to have a pee!”
The second guy says “ I get up at eight and it takes me thirty minutes to have a crap!”
The third guy says” I pee like at horse at seven and crap like a cow at eight!”
“So what’s your problem?” The other two ask him.<...

A man walks into a bar and orders 2 beers.

A man walks into a bar and orders 2 beers.
The man drinks both and leaves the bar.
The next day the man orders two more beers and the bartender asks why he keeps ordering two beers at a time.
The man replies, "I order one for me and one for my brother in Ireland".
And so the man keeps...

My parents were just telling me "You'll never know true happiness if you don't get married."

Me: Yep You never know what you've got till it's gone.

An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fellow shoppers enthralled by new diet...

I have two dogs and I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Sainsbury's and was standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the h...

A man was recruited for a space colony

He had been posted to a planet 14 lightyears from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.

"Welcome to Anti-Earth," The driver said, "don't worry we are going to change the name soon.I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony o...

What Advice did Michael Jackson give to people with a Gambling Addiction?

'Don't stop till you get enough'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

The Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it

The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff.But then the teacher realised that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share ?'


''Yes madam......My daddy told me a story about
my Mom.She was...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Purple Vein

Disclaimer skipping to the end will ruin the joke, but it is best said in person to a group of people. Enjoy!


One morning a young boy was walking to class when three older girls approached the boy and said well aren't you just a "purple vein". The boy asked but the girls giggled as they...

What's the difference between a Priest and an acne

Acne waits till a boy reaches his puberty before coming on his face

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old half deaf husband is watching TV with the wife.They are watching the DYI network on home repair.

Every time the wife gets up he flips it to the porn channel not realizing she can hear and flips it back as she comes back to the room. This goes on for a few cycles till she comes back from the kitchen and yells at him, Oh for gods sake bob just leave it on the porn...you already know how to hang a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy gets pulled over by a cop for speeding...

The cop is going over the whole routine, license and registration. He asks the man what he does for a living.

Guy: I’m an asshole stretcher.

Cop: excuse me, how do you do that?

Guy: you start with a finger, then work another one in till you have a whole hand in there. Then you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

Ever heard the one about the social chef?

I told the guy "Dude you're really good with people, and the food? It's amazing!"

The chef goes "Haha, thank you, Just wait till you see what I can do with animals!"

Once a drunk husband arrived late at his home, He rang the bell..

Wife : where have you been till this late, I am not going to open the door. Sleep outside on the road tonight.

There was a well beside their house.

Husband : I'll Jump into well If you don't open the door.

Wife : Do whatever you have to do, I won't open the door tonight.
...

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Curious George goes to a bar

A man and his monkey went into a bar,

On his shoulder was the monkey, he went not far.

Shooting pool all day long was what the man did,

The monkey watched as balls cross the table slid.



And then in a flash the small monkey ran down,

Then he picked up the ...

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