Don't stop working till your bank account looks like a phone number.

Hello, operator?

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I've been seeing my neighbour for the past few months, right up till she started to be extremely rude.

I mean who the fuck closes their blinds when they sleep.

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If u sit in the toilet to take a poop at 11:58pm and your still there till 12:03 am

Is it The same shit different day?

Boy: "Let's play firetruck game. I will move my hand up your leg till you say RED LIGHT" -Girl: "RED LIGHT"

Boy: "Firetrucks don't stop at red lights"

“I lived with my mother till I was twelve”

“I thought you said she died when you were nine?”

“Yes, she did...”

Don’t knock it till you try it

Unless it’s murder

Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of £1.03 and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note.

She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change."

I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"

She sarcastically said " of course it would help"

So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?"

I said "Yes please!"

"How much?" She ...

If you ever miss 4:20 wait till 4:22...

...because 4:22 is 4:20 too.

It is funny how my wife waits for me in the kitchen all night till I come back from the pub...

...just to ask me what time it is.

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I made this joke today, and it's the worst joke. This is an original, please read till the end and you will see.

Edit: Yes, it's a joke of another joke (Obviously should be able to tell from the title). Read through, not only the punchline is different, you should be able to notice the other subtle changes.



There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-known...

Last night I had a Tupperware party that went on till 4 in the morning.

Might have lasted even longer but the cops came round and we had to put a lid on it.

Never put off till tomorrow,

what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Wait for few months till we reach 2020

Then we can hear '10's playlist' on Spotify

Sparing no expense, I threw a huge party for my entire neighborhood. Everything was great till the cops showed up and threw me in jail.

Apparently a "Gender Reveal" party isn't what I thought it was.

I work for the largest nanotechnology company till date.

We’re not very good.

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I walked up to the counter and asked the girl at the till to give me a KitKat chunky.

She handed me a KitKat Chunky. I said no, I wanted a regular KitKat, you fat bitch.

How many mulas till a solution?

One mula...
Two mula...
Three mula...
Formula.

I made this up. No one ever laughs. It must be my delivery.

I like to do the "drink till she's cute thing"....

...Except I'm anti-social, and don't like to hang out in bars. So I sit at home in front of a mirror and drink until I'm cute. That takes a long, long time.

“My wife’s identical twin sister is living with us till she finds a job”

I said to my friend

He asked “ do you know how to tell them apart ?”

I remarked “ why should I ?”

Till death

So imagine a world where a person dies, goes to heaven, and gets a vehicle based on how faithful they were to their spouse.

Three men all die at the same time and are sentenced to their vehicle along side one another.

*The first man*: He was faithful to his spouse every day of his lif...

"Don't knock it till you've tried it!"

A really confusing phrase when you're trying to buy a door.

Old Man Richard Harrison: I want to live till I am 100

Death: Best I can do is 77

Singing in the shower is all fun and games till you get soap in your mouth

Then it’s a soap opera

A young couple, just married, were...

in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, who was a big, burly man, tossed his pants to the bride and said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on, but they were way too big.

"I can't wear your pants," she said.

"That's right,"...

Till death do us part...

... After a car accident involving a couple they both loose their lives. As the wife is waiting in line to get into heaven she sees her now decease hunsand making out with a younger better looking woman. In a fit if rage she turns to him "how can you do this to me Dave we have been married for almos...

My (Swedish) grandfather told me this joke

A Swedish immigrant finally arrives at Ellis Island after days at sea, and with only $15 in his pocket. He's eager to get a job, find a place to live, and start his new life in America, but after such a long and hard journey, his first stop is to get a drink to unwind!

He walks into the first...

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There was a man who recently started dating an extremely attractive woman

Soon he found out that he was required to spend 3 weeks in Hong Kong for work. He thought to himself "Damn, I'm going for 3 weeks and knowing the needs of my girlfriend, I'm sure she'll cheat on me".

He decides to go to a sex shop so that he could buy something with which his girlfriend could...

I can't wait till New Year's Day, 2021.

Then I can say hindsight is really 2020.

Women only call me ugly till they find out how much money I make....

Then they call me ugly and poor.

Drink 'Till She's Cute

A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordered a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before the man's curiosity got the best of him. He ...

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"the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon"

There was a college professor who liked to tell "dirty" stories during lectures. A group of annoyed female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following d...

A very heavy blond went to the clinic to lose weight.

The doctor told her to eat what she normally ate for three days and then skip a day. He told her she would have lost at least 4 pounds till the next month.

She came back four weeks later, 30 pounds lighter! The doctor looked at her surprised and said "How do you feel now?"

Blonde: "I a...

Now I'm just going to wait till the end of 2016 and hope Obama says:

"Chill out guys, all of this was just a prank. I'm going for the 3rd term".

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A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it.

In order the figures were:

1) A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David.

After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a...

I used to live in New Orleans till Katrina took everything I had.

Sometimes I wish she’d stayed in Latvia.

How many sips till the surgeon finishes his coffee?

Four. Four sips.

FEED ME DARKS JOKES TILL I GO TO HELL!!!

I need one ticket to hell. well maybe two, for my dog, i could use the company. if you could help me laugh my way to hell that would be amazing! plez reddit I need your help! FEED ME DARK JOKES!
But first we need rules for this:
Rule 1: must be a joke.
Rule 2: non political statements
Ru...

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A man in a balaclava walked up to my till and put a gun to my head.

"Don't try anything smart!" he ordered.

"OK." I replied.

"Open your till and give me the money!" he yelled.

I said, "I don't know how to open it."

He said, "Don't be fucking stupid!"

I said, "Jesus...make your mind up."

There once was a Reddit named jokes

There once was a reddit named jokes

That attracted a whole lot of folks

If you read it all through

'till the links aren't blue

You'll find that they're all just reposts

Don't fire till you see the whites of their eyes.

OH MY GOD THEY'RE CHINESE!

Known as the "one-day insect" the Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of all organisms...

But it still lives longer than my headphones.

One of the best moments in my life was hearing my wife day "till death do us part."

I wish I would've known she was talking about her legs....

An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fe...

People complain about the weather and politics till the cows come home...

and then they complain about how there are cows in their house.

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The teacher gave

her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher re...

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A guy gets pulled over by a cop for speeding...

The cop is going over the whole routine, license and registration. He asks the man what he does for a living.

Guy: I’m an asshole stretcher.

Cop: excuse me, how do you do that?

Guy: you start with a finger, then work another one in till you have a whole hand in there. Then you...

Once a drunk husband arrived late at his home, He rang the bell..

Wife : where have you been till this late, I am not going to open the door. Sleep outside on the road tonight.

There was a well beside their house.

Husband : I'll Jump into well If you don't open the door.

Wife : Do whatever you have to do, I won't open the door tonight.
...

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

A man was offroading in the desert.

He was driving over the dunes and past the shrubs and bushes that dotted the landscape, when a sandstorm started blowing over. He figured he'd be fine, but the sand made his engine lock up.

After it had passed, he went out in search for help. The storm disoriented him and blew away his car tr...

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Two guys get captured by a primitive tribe on a remote island.

The first guy is taken to the tribe chief.

The chief says: You have two options: Giri-Giri or death

The first guy thinks to himself: "Anything is better than death."

Guy 1: I choose Giri-Giri

The whole tribe fucks him in the ass for the entire day

He comes to guy 2...

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A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

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Over the course of my life my sexual fantasies have been getting more and more perverse.

But it wasn't till I spanked a statue that I realized I had hit rock bottom.

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Buddy laid this one on me a while back. His acting made me believe it all the way till the punchline.

Was at a party when a friend starts telling this story. You'll have to change some things around to make it work for you but it goes like this.

So did you hear I got a ticket last week? I was driving down this farm road cause I thought it would be a short cut getting to my girlfriends house....

Dance till you feel hurt. Sing till your lungs hurt. Act till you're William Hurt. - Phil Dunphy

From Phil's Osophies (Modern Family). I have to get that book.

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I work at a sub shop, right?

This kid at the till says to his dad "the cashier just called you an asshole daddy!"
I was absolutely astonished at the little brat for saying such a thing out of no where!!

I was twice as surprised at how sharp his hearing was though.

A man and a giraffe walk into a bar

After a few drinks, the giraffe falls over and dies. The man begins to walk out till the bartender stops him

"Hey you can't leave that lyin' there" the bartender shouts

The man looks back and says "it's not a lion. It's a giraffe."

Ha-bean Anniversary

There lived a woman in Colorado who had a maddening obsession and passion for baked beans. She loved them, but they always seemed to give her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet ...

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I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I'm sexy."

Now I just wait at green lights till I feel better about myself.

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A husband arrives home at 3 AM

His wife is waiting. Furious.

"Where have you been?"

"Honey I know you wouldn't believe me, but I was at work"

" 'till 3 AM??"

"And since I knew you wouldn't believe me - I brought my boss to explain everything"

In comes the husband's boss:

"Hi, Umm.. yes, ...

Sorry I’m English btw

I went into the shop the other day. Saw a ready made burger. When I went to the till the lady said “that’s £2 please”
I replied ”surely it’s 25p”
She looked at me, confused.
Dunno why, it’s a quarter pounder after all!

How many students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but they'll leave it till last minute to Turnitin

Where Is God?

Two brothers are terrible trouble makers. They are always breaking things, stealing things, lying, and making all kinds of general trouble. The parents have tried everything to get the boys to change, to no avail. Finally, out of options, they ask their pastor if he can help. He says he will talk to...

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Little Johnny was scratching down there...

One day in class the teacher looks over to little Johnny and sees him scratching his downstairs under the table,

She walks over to him and says, Johnny what are you doing you shouldn't be scratching down there.

Johnny replies but miss it's hurting down there and it itches so bad I can...

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I was sitting at a bar and asked the bartender where I could find a piece of ass

He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and give the woman there 20 bucks. So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy. After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says "What the hell are you doing?" and I said "Having sex ...

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There’s this psychiatrist who claims to guess the frequency of sex by looking at the smile on the guys face

. A talk show host challenges him and it goes really well with a 100% accuracy till this one guy shows up with a grin that would dislocate a crocodile’s jaw.

“Twice a day,”

“Nope.”

“Daily.”

“Nope.”

“Every other day.”

“Nope.”

“Weekends.”

“Nope.”...

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A Dad is walking past his teen son's open bedroom door and hears the sounds of masturbation.

Looking inside his assumption is confirmed. "Son, relax, you're not in trouble, you've done nothing wrong." Junior is frozen in shock by his Dad. Dad continues, "You should just save that till after you're married." Dad then walks away and nothing else is said.

Years later, Dad is once ag...

How to fall down the stairs step by step guide.

Step 1, step 2, step 3, step 4, step 5, step 6,.... step 14. Continue this till you reach the bottom.

A forgetful man was on his way to a party...

On the way, he remembered he had to go to the store to pick up some cups. There was a huge wait line for the till.

Later, he also remembered he had to go deposit some cash at the bank. The machines were broken, so he had to wait in another huge line.

Then, he remembered he needed to pi...

Once upon a time, a small boy named Bashir lived in a tiny Pakistani village.

Once upon a time, a small boy named Bashir lived in a tiny Pakistani village.

All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher, who always yelled at him saying "you are driving me crazy, Bashir".

One day his mother went to check how he was doing at school and the t...

An English couple adopt a little German boy.

After two years the child doesn’t speak and the parents are worried about him. After three years he has not spoken and by his fourth birthday he still has not uttered a word.

The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is a lovely child and on his fourth birthday they throw hi...

A health inspector went to a latex factory.

The factory looked clean so far, and he went over to the gloves department. He saw that the workers dipped their hand into the latex, waited for it to cool and peeled it off. He immediately called the manager to complain of this health code violation. The manager said: "You ain't seen nothing yet, w...

(NSFW) Whats the difference between a priest and a zit?

A zit waits till you’re twelve to come on your face.

A little boy asked his father :" where did human kind came from ?"

The father answer :" at the begining, the god created eve and adam, and they start to give birth slowly till we become that many".
The kid didn't get convenced.. he went right to his mother and asked her the same question ..
The mother answer :" at the begining, there was small animals live...

A man and his buddy are out drinking

Sam and his buddy, Al, are out drinking. Al has had a little more than enough and decides to head home early. As he's heading home he goes across a bridge that has a light pole fallen across it. Unfortunately, Al doesn't see the pole and crashes his truck into it, decapitating and killing him ins...

A young man is sitting in a bar looking sad.

Bartender: What’s the matter son?

Man: My marriage is over.

Bartender: What happened?

Man: Tracy, my high school sweetheart and I just got married last month. We waited till the wedding night to consummate our love. But it didn’t go so well.

Bartender: That‘s pretty co...

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

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A cucumber, an olive and a penis are talking.

The cucumber says "I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad." The olive says "That's nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza." The penis says "You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw m...

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The other day I beat my son at dominos.

I was going to wait till we got home, but the little shit dropped the pizza.

A Christian couple have a baby

Miraculously, when the baby is delivered it starts talking to the midwives. The vicar present points to the baby and cries joyously, "Look! The Father hath come unto this child!" The baby looks at the vicar annoyed and says, "Tell me about it, you'd think they could have waited till I was out!"

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Welcome to hell!

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with the devil.


Devil: Why so glum, chum?

Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.


Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' ma...

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A refugee visits a doctor

So after fleeing from his home country a young midlle eastern refugee ends up in a nice wealthy north european country. Everything seems to look good for him, till he starts to feel sick. He has no idea what could be the problem so he goes to visit a doctor.

After he told the doctor his symp...

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