Man.. you stomp on just one mouse till it's dead.. And everyone loses their mind and I get in a ton of trouble.

Disneyland sucks.

I threw my back out tilling the fields of Egypt.

My doctor said I should see a different cairotractor.

I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......

......... The Times are really Rough!!!

Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?

He was Stalin.

Insomnia is terrible. But on the plus side...

Only three more sleeps till Christmas

Just wait till 2020 turns 21 and starts drinking.

It’s gunna be lit.

I'm giving up drinking till christmas

Bad punctuation, can't edit title

I'm giving up. Drinking till Christmas.

Who is the most open minded American President till date.

John F. Kennedy

The postman said he'd hold my package till I got home...

it was an uncomfortable walk.

My dog has to wear this cone till he heals from surgery. It helps with the biting, but the barking?

He sounds like a sub-whoofer.

the only time I know true peace are the moments between when I wake up and when I have my first thought, straight vibes till I decide to exist

That's a whole 2 seconds of bliss

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A guy goes up to the bartender and bets him $50 he can pee in a beer glass from all the way across the bar...

... without getting a SINGLE drop on the bar. The bartender thinks it’s impossible so he takes the bet.

The guy places the glass at one end of the bar & stands at the other. He unzips and starts a’pissin. And it goes AAAAALL over the place, not a single drop even coming close to the glas...

Barcelona players not gonna eat anything till morning

Because they 8-2 much

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Genius Kid

An old man is sitting out on his deck one day when he sees a young boy walking down the road with a roll of duct tape under his arm.


"Where are you going?" asks the old man

"To catch some ducks" says the kid

"You can't catch ducks with duct tape" replies the old man.
...

When I was a baby.

My parents used to bath me cheap Australian beer.


It wasn't till I was 18 that I realized I'd been Fostered.

Whats the difference between a priest and acne?

Acne waits till you're 13 before coming on your face.

Today I went for a routine medical examination

Everything was going fine, till he stuck a finger right up my bum.

Do you think I need a new dentist?

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Toast to your good life

Paddy O'Brien was at the pub and hoisted his beer saying, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life inbetween the legs of me wife!”

Everyone cheered and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.

In bed later that night, he says to his wife, “Mary, I won the prize for t...

Joe Biden is not my president!!

At least not till January which won’t come soon enough.

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Husband hired a hitman.....

Ok it's my first time be gentle I heard this one when I was young and never understood till I was older.

A husband finds out his wife is cheating so he hires a hitman. The hitman lays out his price 5gs for both. The husband request he shoots the wife in the head and the guy she is with to sho...

My Grandad was the best drummer in the world

He used to practice 18 hours a day, seven days a week, every day of the year.
Morning, noon, and night he'd be banging away with his sticks, so dedicated he was, he didn't even have a set of drums, preferring instead to play on old biscuit tins, bottles, anything he could lay his hands on.
He ...

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Three men, aged 40, 60 and 80, discuss their sex lives

The 40-year old says: "When my wife and I were just married, we'd do it every single day. Any position you could imagine. But now I'm lucky if we can average once a week".

The 60-year old man responds: "Once a week? Just wait till you get to my age. Once a month is what I consider an active s...

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A man's yatch capsizes and he is about to drown in the middle of the ocean

Loudly he proclaimes "Nothing to fear! My lord will save me!"

A tug boat comes by and the sailor spots the man

"It's your lucky day mate, jump in and I'll take you to shore"

The man replies, "thankyou for the kind offer but I have no fear, my lord will save me!"

"Suit you...

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A man walks into an adult toy store.

A man walks into an adult toy store. He is a business man who is arranging to go on a long work trip away from his wife. Afraid that his wife might get sexually frustrated and cheat on him, he has decided to buy her a sex toy to keep her busy while he is away. He walks up to the clerk and asks to be...

A young engaged couple were very much lookimg forward to their marriage.

One Sunday afternoon they went out for a drive in the country, and had a terrible head-on collision with a heavy truck.

Suddenly they found themselves unexpectedly at heaven’s gates, to the surprise of St Peter also. “How come you two are here?” he asked, “You weren’t due here for another fif...

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Old friend

A guy meets an old friend. "Hey Dude, I would like to invite you for group sex!" - "Well, who's in?" - "Till now just you and your wife..."

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Paddy's wife bought a pair of crutch-less knickers.

In an attempt to spice up her and her hubby's sex life.

She put them on with a short skirt and sat on the sofa opposite her husband.

Every so often she would uncross her legs enough times till her husband noticed.

Husband: Are you wearing crotch-less panties.?

Her: Yes sh...

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A penguins car breaks down

Okay so this penguins car breaks down in an area hes unfamiliar with


Penguin gets his car towed to the nearest shop. He asks the mechanic how long it should take. The mechanic says probably a few hours. The penguin asks if there's anything around he can do while he waits


Now, t...

They say Covid-19, the novel coronavirus is one of the worst things that's happened in recent years

But if you think this is bad, just wait till you see the movie adaptation!

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A man driving past a farmer tilling his land says “excuse me sir, my cat lost it’s tail and I noticed you have some cattails over there”...

Confused, the farmer says “Yeah?...” “Can I take one, please?” The man asks politely.

“Suuuure...” the farmer says, rolling his eyes. The man comes back, a real cat’s tail in hand, says “Thank you, sir!” and carries on down the road as the farmer looked on in disbelief.

The next day th...

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Sometimes you just have to accept the facts of a situation.....

Back in the 20s when most kitchens didn't have refrigerators but ice boxes instead, a man is driving a horse drawn wagon selling blocks of ice around town.

Rolling thru the streets he'd call out "Ice! Ice for sale! Ice!"

A lady on the 5th floor of one building he's passing yells down,...

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If u sit in the toilet to take a poop at 11:58pm and your still there till 12:03 am

Is it The same shit different day?

Just as mom walks though the door, little Johnny comes running over. He says ''Mommy, Mommy. I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took off each others clothes and laid down on the bed...'" The mother interrupts him.

''Stop right there!! Wait 'till daddy comes home!!'' When the father finally returns from work, mother promptly goes up to him and says ''I'm leaving you.''
The father, bewildered, slowly asks ''Why!?! What did I do??''
The mother turns to Johnny and says, ''Tell daddy exactly what you told me...

Till when has the lockdown been extended to, in India?

"May the 3rd"

What else would you like to say about the situation?

"May the 4th be with us."

Elon Musk announces he will visit ISS till Covid-19 stabilises.

And nobody even assumed this is a joke.

Why was the Christian hairless?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
They were shaving themselves till marriage.

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A m‌‌other w‌‌as w‌‌alking d‌‌own t‌‌he h‌‌all w‌‌hen s‌‌he h‌‌eard a‌‌ h‌‌umming s‌‌ound c‌‌oming f‌‌rom h‌‌er d‌‌aughter's b‌‌edroom. W‌‌hen s‌‌he o‌‌pened t‌‌he d‌‌oor s‌‌he f‌‌ound h‌‌er d‌‌aughter n‌‌aked o‌‌n t‌‌he b‌‌ed w‌‌ith a‌‌ v‌‌ibrator.

What a‌‌re y‌‌ou d‌‌oing?", s‌‌he e‌‌xclaimed.

The d‌‌aughter r‌‌eplied, "‌‌I'm 3‌‌5 a‌‌nd s‌‌till l‌‌iving a‌‌t h‌‌ome w‌‌ith m‌‌y p‌‌arents a‌‌nd t‌‌his i‌‌s t‌‌he c‌‌losest I‌‌'ll e‌‌ver g‌‌et t‌‌o a‌‌ h‌‌usband."

Later t‌‌hat w‌‌eek t‌‌he f‌‌ather w‌‌as i‌‌n t‌‌he k‌‌itchen a‌‌nd h...

Till this day, she is still laughing

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the...

It was cool being an introvert till the government started telling everybody to do it.

Now I wanna go outside.

What's the difference between a washing machine and Fox news?

No difference: They both spin dirty laundry till it smells better.

be careful what you wish for!

so this guy is walking down the street one day and he sees this other guy on the other side of the road with an orange for a head and hes like "whoa, oh my god that guy has an orange for a head!" so he goes over to him and he's like "hey man, you've got an orange for a head!" and the other guy nods...

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A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish and a Star of David on the wall.

Pointing to the first drawing, the head of the team declared: 'This indicates that these people were family oriented and held women in high position. The donkey shows that they were intelligent enough to use animals to till the soil. The shovel means that they were able to forge tools. Even further ...

I did Judo till i got married.

I wasn't prepared for Marital arts.

Three thieves are in a house...

Three thieves are in a house when suddenly they hear someone come through the door. In a hurry to hide as soon as possible, each finds a gunny sack to hide inside. When the owner comes in and finds three unfamiliar sacks, he kicks the first one, the thief inside thinks quick and makes a sound simila...

Baked beans

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a...

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I get treated like a God

People leave me the fuck alone till they want something from me.

Baby Balloon

Baby balloon wants to get into mummy and daddy's bed.
Daddy says: No, son. You're too big and you've got your own bed, now off you go.

Baby balloon waits till mummy and daddy balloon are asleep and sneaks into bed beside them.
At first, there isn't much room, so he squeezes a bit of air...

It is funny how my wife waits for me in the kitchen all night till I come back from the pub...

...just to ask me what time it is.

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

I've told this story to many naive greens before me, so self-absorbed in their own notions of human conflict and the meaning of war. Whenever I finish the tale they're always pale as Lyndon B's corrupt lyin' ass. I can't blame 'em. This story kept me up throughout my whole deployment in those damn j...

A young Italian couple got married but the man had to go to war before they could consummate their marriage.

He returned a year later battle wounded missing part of his foot and burns on his back. The young lady was living with her mother. When he walks in the door he gives her a big hug and goes up stairs to take a shower.

The mom told the daughter “go upstairs and take care of your wifely duties”...

A friend didn't responded the call till few hours later.

Me: Hey what happened? You haven't recieved my call for few hours?

Friend: Oh yeah I was at the hospital.

Me: Is everything okay?

Friend: Oh Im fine, its just my uncle. He's son couldnt speak or walk now.

Me: OH DAMN IS HE OKAY?!?

Friend: Hes fine, hes just born an...

I take the scalpel from the nurse and shakily make the first cut.

The pay is good but I think I might have taken "fake it till you make it" too far.

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Hitler hires a new cook

Before taking up the job he is told there are 2 main requirements - Making good healthy food for the dictator and never interfering in his policies.

On his first day he finds out about all of Hitler's preferences, likes and dislikes. With all of that in mind he makes everything as expected e...

When people tell me I'll regret this in the morning

I sleep till noon

I swear Christmas decorations go up earlier and earlier every year.

It's 364 days till Christmas and my neighbours already have theirs up!

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are sharing how hard their lives are

Cucumber: I got it worse, people chop me up and put me on salads!

Pickle: No I got it worse, people dice me up and put me on hot dogs!

Penis: You think that’s bad, I get a bag put over my head, shoved into a dark room and get beat up till I puke!

A Gentleman happening to turn up against a House to make Water,

did not see two young Ladies looking out of a Window close by him, ‘till he heard them giggling, then looking towards them, he asked, what made them so merry? O! Lord, Sir, said one of them, a very little Thing will make us laugh.

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Three girls, a blonde, a readhead and a brunette, are having lunch break together...

The brunette opens her lunchbox and sighs:"My husband is so kind, he prepares my lunch every day but... Again a tuna sandwich?"

The readhead opens hers and sighs too:"Crap, tuna sandwich for me too... Again!"

The blonde opens hers and goes:"Guess what? I got the same t...

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A captain and his 2 crewmates survive a storm and...

They wake up at the beach of an island after a while crew gets hungry and starts to explore jungle hoping to find some food.
Suddenly captain and 2 men get caught by rapist cannibals.Leader of cannibals approach first crewmate and ask
" Makhook or death"
first men choose Makhook which he ...

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A woman had three daughters getting married the same day. Naturally she was worried about their sex life. It was agreed that they would send a discrete message.

Two weeks after the triple wedding the first message arrives. An ad for Maxwell House with the slogan "Good till the last drop." She's happy for her girl.

A month passes and a second message arrives with a Marlboro ad. "Marlboro: Extra long, extra strong." She's a little embarrassed, but happ...

I always leave Chinese restaurants overstuffed and bloated. I eat till I’m full

and dim sum.

The scariest book of all time!! [LONG]

There once lived an author named Mr. Troller. He was infamous as the writer of the scariest book ever. Only three people ever bought his book and after reading his book , all the three guys passed away . The reason nobody bought his book was because it was damn expensive ($150,000) and nobody wanted...

Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of £1.03 and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note.

She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change."

I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"

She sarcastically said " of course it would help"

So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?"

I said "Yes please!"

"How much?" She ...

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4 Horny men in are in a prison cell.

A Rapist, Necro, Psycho and a Sadist .

Rapist : If there was a cat here , I'd fuck it till it gets weak.

Psycho : Once you done , I'd fuck it to death.

Necro : oh yeaah! , once it's dead , i
I'd fuck it till I die.

The Sadist in the corner very softly: meooooww (uWu)

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An uncomfortable circumstance.

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed, and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised, and he was quite itchy down ther...

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A punjabi joke (NSFW) Long

An punjabi paratrooper’s mum has a dream that his son’s parachute doesn’t open and he falls to his death. She pleads with him to not go to work today. He says “Mum ! I can’t just not turn up, it’s army after all . I will however request my sergeant to spare me the jump today”

As planned he a...

You've never partied till you've partied with a terrorist.

Because they the bomb.

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What does smoking a cigarette and eating pu$$y have in common

They both taste great till you get to the butt

Man tries to tickle.

A man was sitting next to his wife. He reaches over and tries to tickle her,

"Tickle, Tickle, Tickle!'

The woman says, "Stop!"

The man tries to tickle her again,

"Tickle, Tickle, Tickle!"

"Stop, please!" She asked.

The man tries to tickle her once more,
<...

A young couple, just married, were...

in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.As they were undressing for bed, the husband, who was a big, burly man, tossed his pants to the bride and said, ‟Here, put these on.”

She put them on, but they were way too big.

‟I can not wear your pants,” she said.

‟That’s right,...

Boy: "Let's play firetruck game. I will move my hand up your leg till you say RED LIGHT" -Girl: "RED LIGHT"

Boy: "Firetrucks don't stop at red lights"

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NSFW A handsome traveling salesman stops at this farmhouse.

After a long wait at the door finally a young woman with no arms or legs shows up at the door in an electric wheelchair.

"Sorry Mister there's no one at home but me for the next few hours, but I would like to ask you a favor."

"Alright young lady, what can I do for you?"

"Well y...

“My wife’s identical twin sister is living with us till she finds a job”

I said to my friend

He asked “ do you know how to tell them apart ?”

I remarked “ why should I ?”

A new general was allotted to a new army base

After some time in the base he realised how there were two army men guarding an empty bench all the time. He asked his colleagues and his juniors what it was all about. A colleague said “I don’t know but it’s been happening since I joined 35 years ago.” The general confused as he was went through th...

Till death

So imagine a world where a person dies, goes to heaven, and gets a vehicle based on how faithful they were to their spouse.

Three men all die at the same time and are sentenced to their vehicle along side one another.

*The first man*: He was faithful to his spouse every day of his lif...

I got yelled at this morning by my mother for tickling my younger brother's foot...

Something about at least waiting till he's born.

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If the Great War was a bar fight

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recomm...

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We thought jerry was a good uncle...

Till he fucked his niece, He’s a great uncle now

My best friend is mad at me, because I sniffed on his sisters underwear..

Don't know if he is mad because she was still wearing it or because her parents were present.

Whatever, it was a strange funeral.

I am so exited.

Only one more lock-down till Christmas.

Don’t knock it till you try it

Unless it’s murder

3 prisoners

2 men are in prison and have been given the life sentence. Now these two cell mates have nothing to do, so they have resorted to telling jokes to pass the time. After a couple years they have been telling the same ild jokes over and over but they ate still funny and every time they tell one they rol...

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I've been seeing my neighbour for the past few months, right up till she started to be extremely rude.

I mean who the fuck closes their blinds when they sleep.

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I made this joke today, and it's the worst joke. This is an original, please read till the end and you will see.

Edit: Yes, it's a joke of another joke (Obviously should be able to tell from the title). Read through, not only the punchline is different, you should be able to notice the other subtle changes.



There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-known...

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I walked up to the counter and asked the girl at the till to give me a KitKat chunky.

She handed me a KitKat Chunky. I said no, I wanted a regular KitKat, you fat bitch.

Never put off till tomorrow,

what you can do the day after tomorrow.

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Mr Simpson owned a high end clothing store.

One day, just around closing up, a pretty young woman walks in, browses for a bit and ends up staring at a very expensive designer dress standing proudly in the centre of the store.
Mr Simpson notices, quietly walks up beside her and says 'it's a beauty, isn't it?'
She glances at him, sighs ...

A guy goes to a hardware store

He asks the employee for a good saw, I want to chop down 100 trees every day, he says.

The employee replies, 100 trees? You know what, you need a chainsaw. I will guarantee you can chop 100 trees with this one. If you can't do it, you can return it and you will get your money back.

So...

How many mulas till a solution?

One mula...
Two mula...
Three mula...
Formula.

I made this up. No one ever laughs. It must be my delivery.

How does a cannibal know it's not long anymore till supper ?

When it gets quiet in the kitchen.

Wait for few months till we reach 2020

Then we can hear '10's playlist' on Spotify

A u‌‌niversity s‌‌tudent w‌‌anted t‌‌o s‌‌it n‌‌ext t‌‌o o‌‌ne o‌‌f h‌‌is t‌‌eachers a‌‌t l‌‌unch.

However, t‌‌he t‌‌eacher l‌‌ooked a‌‌t t‌‌he s‌‌tudent w‌‌ith a‌‌n a‌‌rrogant f‌‌ace a‌‌nd s‌‌aid, "A s‌‌wan s‌‌han't b‌‌e f‌‌riends w‌‌ith a‌‌ p‌‌ig."

"Then I‌‌ s‌‌hall f‌‌ly o‌‌n", a‌‌nswered t‌‌he s‌‌tudent w‌‌ith a‌‌ s‌‌mile.

The t‌‌eacher w‌‌as c‌‌learly v‌‌exed b‌‌y t‌‌he c‌‌heek...

A kid was talking with his mother.

He says : Mom i've seen Dad with maid doing.......

His mom shushed him and said wait till the dad comes home.

When his dad comes home, the mother asks her kid, Yes son what were you saying.

Kid Says : Mom i've seen dad with maid doing the same thing the neighbor does to you whe...

A man on a stage giving speech 'all men who are afraid of their wives come here"

All the men except for one person went to the stage. He said to the only man sitting in his seat "wow, so you aren't afraid of your wife, respect".

The man said "my wife told me not to move from this seat till she comes back"

"Don't knock it till you've tried it!"

A really confusing phrase when you're trying to buy a door.

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A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus

A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says "I bet $100 that no one here has a musical instrument that my octopus can't play."

The people in the bar look around and someone fetches an old lute.

The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing Toss a ...

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Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering the night shift.

One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the
mortuary, and the mortician began work. When he had unclothed the corpse,
he noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly,
well, hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung. He put the cork
back, an...

Last night I had a Tupperware party that went on till 4 in the morning.

Might have lasted even longer but the cops came round and we had to put a lid on it.

I played "My Heart Will Go On" on a public piano and people yelled at me.

Can't wait till this cruise is over.

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3 men in a nursing home are sitting and reminiscing.

First man says, “I wish I could just go pee as easily when I was younger. It’s getting harder and harder to do so as the years pass.”

The second guy says, “I can pee just fine but I would give anything to be able to poop with no trouble. It’s getting more difficult even with fruits and veggie...

I like to do the "drink till she's cute thing"....

...Except I'm anti-social, and don't like to hang out in bars. So I sit at home in front of a mirror and drink until I'm cute. That takes a long, long time.

Till death do us part...

... After a car accident involving a couple they both loose their lives. As the wife is waiting in line to get into heaven she sees her now decease hunsand making out with a younger better looking woman. In a fit if rage she turns to him "how can you do this to me Dave we have been married for almos...

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"the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon"

There was a college professor who liked to tell "dirty" stories during lectures. A group of annoyed female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following d...

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I want to see if this Argentinian joke can withstand translation (NSFW)

Two young pretty nuns arrive to the convent shocked and distraught, almost in tears.
The Mother Superior (head of the convent) immediately approaches and asks what happened. The nuns say “a pervert exposed himself to us a couple blocks from here”.
The mother superior, a stocky, strong, tough...

A dad and mom bring home a baby boy.

The dad is so excited, practically jumping up and down in joy to start popping dad jokes left and right. "honey calm down. You have to wait till he's at least 5 to start telling them to him" the mom says, to which the dad replys, "then I will wait."

On the sons fifth birthday the dad walks up...

I work for the largest nanotechnology company till date.

We’re not very good.

Old Man Richard Harrison: I want to live till I am 100

Death: Best I can do is 77

If you ever miss 4:20 wait till 4:22...

...because 4:22 is 4:20 too.

A christian father puts his daughter to sleep

But before sleep, she must pray.

At the end of the prayer, she says:
"And please god, bless my father, my mother, and goodbye to grandpa".

"Why goodbye to grandpa?" the father asks.

"I Don't know" the girl responds, and goes to sleep with a smile on her face.

The day a...

Guitar Horse

A horse and his mother are in the barn watching TV when an ad comes on. It's for a music school that can teach anyone to play any insturment, guaranteed. The horse has always wanted to be play the guitar, so he calls them up.

"Hey, I want to learn to play the guitar," he says, "Can you teach ...

A man was recruited for a space colony

He had been posted to a planet 14 lightyears from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.

"Welcome to Anti-Earth," The driver said, "don't worry we are going to change the name soon. I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony ...

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Not sure if this joke is originally from my language or if it is an old joke which is stolen then translated to my language but thought I’d share it

Three man were lining up to heaven when st. peter explained that their death was not planned and that it has happened due to unforeseen and unknown circumstances. Because of this heaven wasn’t prepared for their coming and would need them to wait outside for a long time. However, pitying their early...

FEED ME DARKS JOKES TILL I GO TO HELL!!!

I need one ticket to hell. well maybe two, for my dog, i could use the company. if you could help me laugh my way to hell that would be amazing! plez reddit I need your help! FEED ME DARK JOKES!
But first we need rules for this:
Rule 1: must be a joke.
Rule 2: non political statements
Ru...

An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fe...

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A farmer loses his only cow and is now struggling to makes ends meet.

He has 3 sons who work with him in the fields. Let's call them A, B, and C with A being the oldest and C the youngest.

Later that night, unbeknownst to them, the father walks into the woods to commit suicide but he meets an Angel instead.

The Angel asks, "why are you crying, old man?"...

I really want to buy one of those supermarket checkout dividers.

But the lady behind the till keeps putting it back

Drink 'Till She's Cute

A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordered a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before the man's curiosity got the best of him. He ...

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

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There was a man who recently started dating an extremely attractive woman

Soon he found out that he was required to spend 3 weeks in Hong Kong for work. He thought to himself "Damn, I'm going for 3 weeks and knowing the needs of my girlfriend, I'm sure she'll cheat on me".

He decides to go to a sex shop so that he could buy something with which his girlfriend could...

Girlfriends and fishing are similar

There are many fish in the sea, but till you hook one, you're just holding your rod.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games till you get soap in your mouth

Then it’s a soap opera

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