The year is 1804 and a young man enlists on a ship..

..his first voyage is to last 3 years, and even though the work is hard the young man takes to it like a fish in water.

After only a few days he is running the riggin like an old hand, he swabs the decks without complaint and spends his free time in amicable companionship playing cards or tel...

Two new recruits were on the deck of a ship.

One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?"

Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band."

"There is no band on this ship."

"No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW Why are camels called the ship of the desert?

Because they’re full of Arab semen.

Why do norwegians put barcodes on their ships?

So when they dock, they can scandinavian.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same...

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A sailor is recruited onto a Pirate ship...

After swearing loyalty to the Captain and crew, and receiving his daily list of duties, the new recruit is brought up onto the poop deck to briefly meet the Captain. The Captain, a rugged-looking pirate with a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye-patch, is an intimidating-looking man indeed.
<...

A sea captain sees smoke on the horizon and orders his ship to go investigate....

...as the ship gets closer to the smoke the captain can see through his binoculars that there is a fire burning on a small island, and a shirtless man jumping up and down waving his shirt like a flag. Just beyond the man and the fire there are three small grass huts. The captain orders the ship to g...

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A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors: Jim, Tom, and Susie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt that having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral...

A German coast guard and an English ship

A German coast guard is doing maintenance on the shores of the North Sea near France. They come upon an English ship which seems to be sinking.

The captain of the English ship shouts to the coast guard, "Mayday mayday, we're sinking!"

The German coast guard then replies, " What are you...

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A Texas Redneck, Japanese Business Man and Mexican are standing next to each other on a cruise ship, looking over the edge of the ship.

After a period of silence, the Mexican takes out a nice bottle of tequila and throws it overboard, and says, “There is nice tequila like that all over Mexico, that bottle means nothing to me.”

In an attempt to one-up the Mexican, the Japanese man pulls out a brand new Sony laptop and throws i...

A young Naval Officer has just boarded a ship that he will serve on for the next year.

He meets with the captain who gives him a tour, and tells him the way things are done on this ship. After the tour the young officer asks his captain “Sir we’re going to be on this boat for the next year, how do you guys last that long without the company of a woman?”. The captain ushers the young o...

Constantine XI : Ships can't walk on lands

Mehmed II the Conqueror: Hold my Kebab

Why do pirates only have one type of weapon attached to their ship?

Because the other weapons are non-canon.

A British ship is on a collision course and this is the following transcription with an Irish:

Irish: We need you to divert your course 15 degrees to the west to avoid collision.

British: No, you need to move your ship 15 degrees to the west to avoid collision. We’re not moving.

Irish: Negative. We’re gonna need you to divert your course to avoid a collision. Now!

British...

Why are snails allowed on ships?

Escargot.

I recently watched a documentary about how ships are put together

It was riveting

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A guy gets horny during his first week on a pirate ship...

So he goes up to the captain and asks "What do you guys use when you get horny?"



The captain says: "There's a barrel over there with a hole in it; we use that".

Guy: "Great when can I use it?"

Captain: "You can use it any day of the week, except Tuesday".

G...

What happens when a red pirate ship and a brown pirate ship meet on a deserted island?

They get marooned

A friend asked me how my long distance relation ship was going...

So far, so good

A famous pirate ship was docking in a free port...

Because the captain needs to find a wood workshop to fix his ship.He finally found one,and upon entering it,he saw a skilled apprentice.When asked to repair the ship,the apprentice was eager to join the crew,but the captain didn't want to let him in as there were enough crewmembers.So the captain sa...

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An American, a Japanese, and a Filipino are relaxing along the upper board of a cruise ship.

All of a sudden, the American throws his iPhone to the ocean.

The Japanese, suprised, asked the American, "Why throw iPhone?"

The American replied, "Don't worry man, there are lots of iPhone in the states."

The Filipino mumbled, "Wow, what a waste."

The Japanese went to h...

The Swedish Navy started painting barcodes in the side of their ships.

That way when they get back to port they can Scandinavian.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a new pirate walks onto his ship...

So a new pirate walks onto his ship and sees the Captain,

"Damn what happened to his leg?"

"He fought off a gator and lost it" replies the first mate,

"Damn, that's rough, what about his hand, how'd he lose that?"

"It got blown off in a war in the Caribbean,"

"Fuc...

I met this guy who liked to put helium balloons in his ship

Whatever floats your boat I guess

I found a way around the Chai niece sense or ship

[Not removed]

Why do navy ships carries Marines?

Because sheep would be to obvious.

Pirate Goes Up To His Captain As They're About To Raid A Ship

The pirate says, "The cannons be ready, Cap'n!"

The Captain says, "*Are.*"

What do you call a ship with a criminal record?

A thugboat.

I wasn’t surprised when my artifact from an ancient Asian ship broke.

Piece of junk was made in China.

Do you all have time for a the joke about the world's fastest cruise ship?

Don't worry, it's a quick one liner.

Two old men are sitting on the deck of a cruise ship. The first one asks, “Have you read Marx?”

The other one replies, “Yes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”

What do you call a boat full of buddies?

A friend-ship

A navy captain is alerted that a pirate ship is coming towards his position

He asks a sailor to get him his red shirt.

The sailor asked, “Why do you need a red shirt?”

The Captain replies, “So that when I bleed, you guys don’t notice and aren’t discouraged.” They fight off the pirates eventually.

The very next day, the Captain is alerted that 50 pirate ...

The captain of a cruise ship tells to the passengers and the crew..

- Dear ones, I have a good and a bad announcement to make.
Which one do you want to hear first?

- "The good one".

- We're going for 14 Oscars!

Why did the sea monster eat 6 ships full of potatoes?

Nobody can eat just one potato ship.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] A ship captain has the best crew but...

Every time he goes out to sea they drink all his rum. If it was any other crew he would get rid of them but they are the best he has ever worked with. So came up with a plan to recoup his costs. He gathers his crew and tells them "You are the best crew I have ever had but something needs to be done ...

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A Brit, a Mexican, and an American are on a cruise ship.

The Brit pulls out a box of tea bags, places one in his mug, and tosses the rest overboard. “In my country, tea is so plentiful I never have to conserve it.”

The Mexican pulls out a bottle of tequila, takes one shot, and throws the rest overboard. “In my country, tequila is so plentiful I nev...

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A cargo ship sank in the ocean. The cargo, Idaho potatoes and rubber penises, floated in the vicinity.

The Coast Guard had received a distress call, but a chopper arrived to find no ship in the water. Seeing the cargo strewn about on the ocean, they decided to send a diver down to look for the ship.


"I already know what kind of ship to look for," the diver told the chopper pilot.
...

A magician was working on a cruise ship.

A magician was working on a cruise ship.

Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understo...

A new deckhand on a British ship during the naval war against France (1779)

-Captain! They just raised a white flag! What does that mean?
-It means they're french. Fire at will.

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves ...

Long ago,

when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship.

As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate: 'Bring me my red shirt!'

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which t...

A ship wrecks and people get stranded on a deserted island....

...everyone start to panic and the captain says a ship will sail pass in a week and all will be saved by it. The passengers try to group themselves and each take an action so they have a place to stay, food to eat and are protected at night.

One man does not care and is lazying around in the...

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Gay pirate ship

What's the crew's favorite activity on a gay Pirate Ship? Splittin' all the booty!

An American ship is next to German land

Captain: "May day! May day! We are sinking!!"

German receiver: "What are you sinking about?!"

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A man joins the crew of a sailing ship.

After a few days he gets restless and asks "What does one do about sex around here?"

The others direct him to a large barrel with a hole in it. At first he does not like the idea much but, when he tries it, he finds it surprisingly enjoyable. He has another go the next day, and again the d...

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Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. The father added, "First, we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing....

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Ship wreck.

3 sailors we the only ones to survive a ship wreck. They swam to the shore of the closest island, and passed out from exhaustion. When they came to they were in cages surrounded by a tribe of all male cannibals. They took the first one out of his cage and led him to their Chief, who told him ”Your f...

Why are port holes on a ship round?

So when you open one to look out, a wave won't hit you square in the face.

What did the pirate captain say to his boy when he burned down his ship?

Arr, son.

Friend: Did you hear? Two Norwegian ships had a mid sea collision

Me: Norway!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm gonna be turning my lights off this Halloween and pretending I'm not in.

Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules

A dangerous looking space ship comes down to earth

The aliens take over all radio, tv and other technologies to broadcast a message

Alien: “we are a dangerous species from the planet Pluto”

-
-
-
-

*all humans start to chuckle under their breath*

A British couple are on a cruise ship. It sinks, and they're the only survivors left, managing to get on a boat

They can spot land not far off. They try as hard as they can to use the oars, but they won't budge.


The wife has an idea, she calls her husband useless and incompetent. The husband retorts and a huge argument begins.


The boat inches slowly towards land. The more they argue and ...

The Ship’s Brave Captain

In the vast ocean of the new colonies, a British ship patrols the outskirts of its territory.

Suddenly, the lookout yells from the top of the ship:
“Captain!Captain! Pirate vessel in sight!”

With a stern look on his face, the captain declares: “Go fetch me my red blouse!”

And...

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A priest, rabbi, and a preacher are all on a sinking ship

Rabbi: we have to get off the ship!

Preacher: we have to save the kids first!

Rabbi: fuck the kids!

Priest: do we have time?

A cargo ship struck an iceberg, tearing a gash in the side.

It was carrying bagged chips, so it didn't sink until it was unloaded.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day, a space ship landed in a farmer's field.

A Martian man and his wife got out and introduced themselves to the farmer and his wife.

As a token of his friendship, the farmer immediately invited the Martian couple in his home and begged them to stay for the evening and have dinner, so the Martians agreed.

Later that night, the ...

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Friend ship is like piss in your pants...

Everyone can see it, but only you can feel it.

Patrick Stewart is talking about a new Stsr Trek show he will be in. There will be a disease or attack that wipes out all officers of a certain age, leaving Starfleet without any captains. So they bring in retired admirals to captain the ships.

It will be called "Geria-Trek."

Why don’t African’s like cruise ships?

They’re not falling for that one again.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A ship crashes leaving 3 survivors... one French , one Canadian , and one American

They swim to the nearest island... as soon as they get there they are confronted by armed islanders
After explaining to the islanders how they ended up there ... the islanders tell them that in order to live they each have to complete a task.
The task is simple. Each one of them must go into t...

What do you call a communist pirate ship?

The USS-ARRR

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day, an excited young boy is visiting the docks when he meets an ACTUAL pirate!

This pirate is the real deal: parrot on the shoulder, peg leg, eyepatch, hook hand, sword on the hip. You could not imagine a more stereotypical looking pirate.

The boy runs up to him, squealing with delight. “Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh! You’re a real pirate!”

“Aye, laddie,” the ...

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A man is on his first brutal day as a crewman of a pirate ship. He is swabbing the decks, heaving ropes, and emptying pisspots. All the horrible jobs delegated the new sailor.

Then out onto the deck steps the meanest, crustiest, saltiest pirate captain you can imagine. He's got a peg leg, an eyepatch, a hook for a hand, a parrot on his shoulder, a long beard, a gold ear ring, and a saber at his side.

The new sailor is awestruck. He nudges a fellow sailor and and as...

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2 Dinosaurs were sat on a beach watching as a ship sailed into the sunset

One dinosaur turns to the other and says "That Noah's a bit of a twat isn't he."

So a three masted sailing ship is leaving port...

... just a day out of port the captain is standing on the deck when the lookout calls down "Sir! There's an enemy ship on the horizon!"

The captain turns to his cabin boy and shouts "Bring me my red shirt!"

After the cabin boy brings him the red shirt and he puts it on, the two ships c...

How do you sell a ship with a broken mast?

Promote a half-off sail.

Two dudes are on a ship. One of them is a smoker, the other has cigarettes, but no one has a lighter. What do they do?

The dude with cigarettes throws one overboard, which makes the boat a cigarette lighter.

What's the most important property of a sparkling pink ship?

It's flamboyant.

It's not the size of the ship, nor the motion of the ocean...

It's whether or not the captain stays in port long enough for all the passengers to get off.

I made a friend who liked model ships.

I sent him a secondhand model that I found at a garage sale along with my phone number. He texted me soon after:

“Hey man, it’s Jesus. You sent me a model ship and I really appreciate it but it’s missing a part.”

“Is it the steering wheel?”

“Actually yeah. How did you know?”
...

A ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying blue paint!

The sailors were marooned.

A Mexican dock worker is loading a ship...

A Mexican dock worker is loading a boat with a shipment of French cuisine, when his boss happens to walk by. The boss asks, "hey, what's that you're loading over there?"

The dock worker replies, "Es cargo."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mother sharks and her offspring were swimming one day when they came upon a sinking ship.

Mother shark saw the humans abandoning ship. Once the ship sank, she instructed her offspring, "Follow my lead. We're going to swim in circles around the humans". The little sharks, their hunger already growing, were excited. One asked, "Can we eat them now?" Mother replied, "Not yet, dear. Just fol...

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship wheel on his crotch.

The bartender asks: “Hey, what’s with the wheel?”

The pirate answers: “Yaaargh! It’s drivin’ me nuts!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sailor on a Navy ship...

A sailor on a Navy ship had been out to sea for weeks, and was beginning to go through sex withdrawals. Fed up with the lack of sex, he asked one of his shipmates what he did when the pressure was too much to take. 

"Well, there's a barrel with a hole in it near the mop storage. When it gets ...

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A man is ship wrecked on an island with a dog and a goat...

Several months go by and he’s horny as ever and decides he needs some action from someone or something. So the goats not looking half bad. But whenever he tries to make a move on the goat, the dog gets jealous and snaps and growls at him until he backs off.

So some time goes by and eventually...

A cargo ship carrying a shipment of mannequins sunk to the ocean floor

It was one thousand legs under the sea.

A British ship was sinking.

It was the first day of an employee of the German boat central. After a while he received a emergency call from a British ship.

"We are sinking, i repeat, we are sinking!"

The German replied:
"What are you thinking about?"

What do you call the statement that the *Bismarck* never sunk a British Ship?

A "False-Hood"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I got in trouble for telling this joke in 5th grade on share a joke day.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess with three handsome suitors.

Each suitor tried their best to charm the princess, but the princess could not choose which handsome suitor to marry.

The princess did love ping pong though, and so she decided to test the suitors' love.
...

Why does the Norway Navy have bar codes on the side of their ships?

So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian!

Edit: whoops I meant Norwegian Navy

Edit 2: Thanks to commenters I have links to other people who have posted this joke! I haven’t been around very long so I didn’t know, go give them an upvote as well if you’d like!

2015:...

In the army, you have to pay $85 if you lose your rifle.

That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A ship goes out to sea and crashes.

6 people (1 woman and 5 men) survive and use a safety raft to float to this deserted island.
Well, after spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really lonely and sexually deprived.
So they come to this agreement.
All of the men will marry the one woman for a week. ...

The Titanic: the unsinkable ship

Many said it would go down in history but I say it went down in the Atlantic

What does Picard do just before he goes down with his ship?

Captains final log

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What happens on a strict ship?

The seamen go anal

You know, they say loose lips sink ships...

That explains why your mom was kicked out of the Navy after visiting her OB/GYN.

Radio conversation in between a US Navy ship off the coast of England, and the British authorities.

BRITS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
BRITS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This...

A pirate captain is about to pillage a Royal Navy ship.

He calls to his aide, "Bring me my red coat!" When the aide asks why, he says, "If I get shot, the men won't see it and will keep on fighting." The aide praises the captain's intelligence and fetches the jacket. Then, as soon as they are about to attack, a lookout yells, "Captain, we just realized t...

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What do you call a ship full of horny sailors?

A boatload of seamen.

As the Titanic sank, the musicians remained on deck and continued to play music as the ship went down.

The captain had said "aBandOn Ship", so they really had no choice.

A down on his luck shipwright is spending his day at the port when he sees a ship, with a damaged mast. What does he tell the captain?

Anything to make a sail.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A cruise ship was in the middle of the sea when suddenly-

A cruise ship was in the middle of the sea when suddenly a kid slipped while running and fell off the ship.

Everyone immediately rushed to the side the kid fell from, worried that he would drown, when suddenly a man jumps off and grabs the kid, while holding him with one arm he swims with the...

I was in the middle of a lake in a canoe with my girl friend last week when suddenly the boat sprung a leak. We had to decide whether to try and get the boat back to shore or abandon ship.

We had a real row v. wade debate that day.

What is a Soviet pirate's favorite ship?

The USS Arr.

There was a captain that took his ship on a long voyage...

...but the sailors got a bit randy during this voyage.

So the captain provided a barrel with a hole and instructed the sailors to relieve themselves into the barrel. If they filled it up, there would be a bonus, he promised.

The sailors filled up the barrel, and ther was peace on the ...

A Pirate ship is out at sea.

One of the crew runs up to the captain and yells

"There is an enemy ship approaching!"

"Fetch me my red shirt" says the captain.

"Why?"

"Because then they will not know if I am bleeding!"

They fight and fight and win the battle. The next day, the crewmember yells ...

A young sailor's first day on the ship

He has a meeting with the Captain, who takes him on a tour of the ship. He introduces him to the crew, goes over his duties and responsibilities. At the end of the tour the young man turns to the captain and says. "This is all great Captain, but I have a bit of a personal question...". "What's that...

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A ship wrecks on an island

There were only three survivors and they lost all their supplies in the wreck. They decide to head out into the jungle to look for food and water when they are captured by a tribe of cannibals. They are taken back to camp to meet before the chief.

The chief has all three of them in front of h...

The Admiral was visiting one of his ships.

When having tea he noticed that every biscuit has the ships insignia embossed on it.
He is impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.

Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven.

Admiral: That’s pretty unhygienic...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A ship wrecks onto a deserted island.

Two guys and a girl survive. Since they don't have anything to do all day besides eating and sleeping, they just have sex. Eventually the girl gets sick and dies. The two men don't know what to do with themselves anymore, so they keep having sex. After a few days of sex, they feel guilty about what ...

You wanted to know if the ship was moving, or if it was just wind

weather or knot, it mattered.