I got rid of my house, cars and credit cards to get my interest rates lower..

It worked! Now girls are barely interested in me..
(Heard it from somewhere on tv maybe)

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.

A thief has stolen the credit card of a family

The kid asks the father: _"But why haven't you reported it to the police?!"_

Father: _Shut up kid! He spends less than your mom!_

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Your credit card is like your penis

If you stick it in to anywhere that lets you don't be surprised when it comes back to haunt you. If you give it to the wrong person it can get expensive fast. If you can get protection for it you should. You shouldn't go whipping it out in public lest you attract the wrong kind of attention.
...

A guy's credit card gets stolen, and after a couple of months he finally goes to the police to report it.

Cop: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card before now?

Guy: The thief was spending less money than my wife.

Cop: Then why are you reporting it now?

Guy: I think the thief's wife started using it.

For Halloween im gonna be a credit card.

Because I'm always getting denied

What country does not accept cash or credit cards?

The Czech Republic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An employee stole my credit card and used it to buy porn. I had to fire him for poor judgement....

WHO PAYS FOR PORN?!?

My wife's credit card was stolen a week ago.

So far they are spending less money than she normally does so I'm not going say anything.

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

"If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking" -George S. Patton

"When you tear out a man's tongue, you are not proving him a liar; you're only telling the world that you fear what he might say." -George R. R. Martin

My credit card got stolen 3 months ago and I still haven’t reported it missing.....

....Whoever has it is spending far less than what my wife usually does.

Take 2: Someone stole my credit cards and apparently made a purchase in a furniture store.

I only found out when the bank contacted me and told me that my card had been reclined.

What do you call it when you use a credit card at night?

A loan in the dark

There are three dimensions to credit cards

... length, width, and debt.

The women I want to date are like my credit cards...

No interest.

Why does an incel get turned on by a credit card reader?

It's the only time they get asked to 'please insert'

The judge in a stolen credit card case...

The judge in a stolen credit card case found that the prosecution accidentally demagnetized all of the evidence.

So they dropped all the charges.

My credit card reminds me of school,

0% interest for the first 9 months.

I can't understand why my credit card keeps getting declined

Every time I log into my account online it says I have an outstanding balance.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sex life is like my credit card.

It expired a long time ago.

Some guy over the phone asked for my credit card details.

"Sure," I said. "It's blue and there's bits of cocaine on it."

Why did the dad put the credit card statement on his feet?

Because it said ‘new balance’ on it.

I called my credit card company when I got my bill and said, "I can't pay this." "Well, let's see if I can help you, sir. What was your last statement?"

...



"I



CAN'T



PAY



THIS."

All credit card PIN numbers in the World have bee leaked

**0000 0001 0002 0003 0004** …

My wife always uses credit cards. I recommended she try cash

But I know she's afraid of change.

A deaf man walks into a restaurant. He asks a server if he can use his credit card in the jukebox.

She replies “You can’t hear”

I’m really good at managing my credit card...

...My bank keeps sending me letters saying my account is outstanding.

My credit card company is super nice, they really help boost my self esteem...

They always tell me I have an outstanding balance!

I couldn't find my credit card this morning.

Someone must have swiped it.

I'm sorry.

Hey baby, are you an introductory credit card offer?

Because your terms are hard to understand and you keep saying you have no interest.

In my credit card statement there was an extra 666$ charge written in tiny fonts ...

As usual, the devil is in the details ...

Did Jesus pay for our sins with cash or credit card?

Neither, he used praypal.

A tangent applied for a credit card, but was denied.

He couldn't find anyone willing to cosine.

Six months ago, my wife had her credit card stolen.

Tonight I learned this guy took it. But I'm not going to turn him in. He spends a lot less per month than she did!

A man calls Pizza hut to order a pizza

CALLER: Is this #PizzaHut?

GOOGLE:No sir, it's Google Pizza

CALLER: Sorry, I have Dailed wrong number

GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.

CALLER:Ok, I would like to order a pizza

GOOGLE:Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER: My usual? You know ...

Hey man why did you choose 0911 as your credit card code ?

Never forget

What do Trump and a maxed out credit card have in common?

They both deny all charges.

What's big, black and steals you credit card?

Sony Playstation 3

A thief stole my wife's credit card,

I let him keep it Because he spends less than my wife does, I said to the police officer,
The officer says, then how come you are reporting it to me a year later,
I said "because the theif's wife started to use it"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm a completely broke farmer. The other day I tried buying fertilizer on my only credit card and it was declined.

I literally can't buy shit.

Apparently people are using smart phones instead of credit cards now.

I tried this but my cocaine was very lumpy.

A man pickpockets a random person and steals her credit card

as the man walks off with the card, he says to himself 'hasta la visa'.

credit card

Guy 1 : " Hey man, you have been looking awfully happy lately"
guy 2 : "yeah someone Stoke my wallet and all my credit cards"
guy 1 :"Then why are you happy?"
guy 2:" The thief is spending less on my cards than my wife"

The Blind Cashier

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.


She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me ...

My dentist told me "This might hurt a little bit. Are you ready?"

I said "Yes, I'm ready."

He said "Cash or credit card?"

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to
retur...

Its still christmas time

I really appreciate how some people still give gifts to poor guys on the street, even after christmas.

For example yesterday I saw someone giving his credit card and 5k$ to a guy who only had a knife...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Southern Belles

Old joke:

Three southern belles are having lunch and bragging.

1: Well, my husband just bought me a new beach house just to get away when I want to.

2: That's nice!

3: Well, MY husband sends me to Europe every spring with his credit card for me to buy anything I want.
...

I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says.

"With what money?" says his mother.

They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's ...

A thief and a girlfriend

One day my girlfriend's credit card was stolen., What a relief it was to find out that the thief spends less money than my girl.

Google knows!

Subject: Today's Reality


CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?


GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.


CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.


GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.


CALLER: OK. I would like to order a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Alexa, I am feeling that I want to have sex.

Alexa :
Most certainly... Don't worry. I am dimming the lights. Setting your AC to 22 C degrees.

The Viagra is kept on the top right shelf of your wardrobe. The gel is kept next to it.

I have hired your favorite Thai masseuse. She is just 12 minutes away as per her Uber ride status....

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD...

How bad is it you ask?

So bad,

THAT....

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer....

A man sits in his car

A man sits in his car at a gas station. He has just refilled his gas and payed. When he is about to leave, he sees a blonde lady standing to the other side of the road. He pulls down his window, as the lady is waking towards his car. He handsome! The lady says. Can I catch a ride home? Sure, get in!...

GOT MY CONCEALED GUN PERMIT YESTERDAY

went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm for home protection.

When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instruct...

Hello, and Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you ar...

As I was checking out at the local grocery store..

the clerk said, "Strip down, facing me". I was down to my socks before I realized she was talking about my credit card..

Ways To Get Rid Of Telemarketers

An old one, but a good one…

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Or you can say, “I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man finds an old dusty beer bottle, it feels like there's something inside so he rubs the dirt off to check and out pops a genie!

Smoke lifts from the stem of the bottle as a man appears floating in mid air wearing cargo shorts and a snapback.

Genie: "alright sport you get one wish make it count"

Man: "but I thought I got 3 wishes?"

Genie: "oh so one wish isn't good enough for you huh? You know when I was ...

Social Club

An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
<...

A man went into a bank to withdraw some cash from his account.

After sometime his turn came and he took the $300 that he wanted to pay his house rent.

He counted it again before he started walking towards the exit.

A clerk comes running from his desk and stops the man. "*Is something wrong*?", asked the man.

"*I just wanted to tell you that...

“Take a card, any card,” the magician says.

I take his credit card.

I've decided to become a tightrope walker!

I figured I should give it a try since all my credit card companies say my balance is outstanding!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy was told to get the first five letter of the alphabet for school by asking his family

A six-year-old goes to school and his homework was to go ask his family for the first 5 letters of the alphabet. he goes home. he asks his mom who was taking a nap what is the first letter of the alphabet

the mom says "shut up I'm tired" .he makes a not in his mind about it

he then goe...

I've got everything I need

A Married Couple Is Driving Down The Highway Doing 80km/h. The Husband Is Behind The Wheel.

His Wife Looks Over At Him And Says: “Honey, I Know We’ve Been Married For 15 Years, But, I Want A Divorce”

The Husband Says Nothing But Slowly Increases Speed To 100km/h.

Wife Then Says:...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender is in shock, an actual horse just walked into his bar, sat down at the bar like a person, and ordered a beer in perfect English.

He tells the horse, "I'm sorry sir, I just have to go speak to my manager for a moment."

So the bartender goes to the back, and explains the s...

Let me introduce the little known tale of Curtis Remond.

Curtis was born in the small town of New York, the only child of a rich and famous banking family. Curtis’ father was a banker. Curtis’ grandfather was a banker. The banking linage runs as far back in the family as time can remember, ever since Gerald Redmond had emigrated from Killarney back in the...

A guy almost lost all his money on Reddit.

To read the second part please input your credit card information bellow.

Women only need 3.5 inches to achieve maximum pleasure...

...it's called a "credit card"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Good Girls, Bad Girls and Naughty Girls

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons
Naughty girls unbutton your pants


Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line
Naughty girls wax your nutsack


Good girls blush during sex scenes ...

I ran into a beautiful woman who wanted to F*** me today...

I think her exact words were, "Sign up for this credit card..."

I went to the store and got arrested because of a simple misunderstanding.

When the lady at the register said strip down facing me, it turns out she was talking about my credit card.

We were at Kyle's place last week and had an idea

You know how everyone has occasionally had the great idea to try and snort assorted things? Like pixie stix and rock candy? That's where this story takes place.

Somehow the topic of conversation wandered to the effects of cocaine and other substances on the nostrils. The attention seeker of t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A businessman goes to Las Vegas (long)...

And he gambles away the shirt off his back. All he has left is the second part of plane ticket. So he goes to a taxi and asks him if he can take him to the airport. He offers his credit card number, phone number, everything, but the Taxi driver said that if he doesn't have $15, he should the hell ou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Grocery Store Experience

5-7min read. Based on a true story.

---

I was at the grocery store yesterday picking up some ingredients to make breakfast for the week. I already had a few essentials picked out like Milk, Eggs, & Bacon. Yes, Bacon is an essential. I moved to the cereal aisle but got stuck decidin...

Hi funny people I need your help.

I have a credit card that is made of metal and is very heavy. People frequently comment on how heavy it is and I have been trying to come up with a witty response for nearly two years now. I've tried, I'm hard on things, I think they are concerned I would wear it out and I take spending seriously bu...

Pizza Google

A man calls Pizza Hut:

--Hello, Pizza Hut?

--No, sir. Pizza Google

--Oh, sorry. Wrong number..

--No sir, it's the correct number, it's just that Google bought Pizza Hut

--Oh... okay, so... take my order, please

--Same as always?

--And how do you know ...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a bathroom.

Much to their surprise, the mirror greets them, saying,

"I am a magic mirror. Each one of you can tell me one way you think you are better than each of the other ladies. If you are right I will give you a reward beyond anything you could imagine. If you are wrong, I will suck you into the mir...

A New Metal has been added to Chemistry

Name: Woman
Symbol: Wm
Atomic mass: Light when first found... tends to get heavier with time.


**PHYSICAL PROPERTIES**

- Boils at any time
- Can freeze at any time
- Melts if treated with love
- Very Bitter if Mishandled


**CHEMICAL PROPERTIES** ...

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