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Credit Card Jokes

The stolen credit card.

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

Man: Coz the thief was spending less than my wife.

Police:Then why are you reporting it now?

Man: Well, I think now the thief's wife has started to use it.

Credit card company called me to report suspicious activity...

I asked what kind of suspicious activity and they said someone made a payment.

A thief stole my credit card

But I don't mind, he's spending less than my wife

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

"If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking" -George S. Patton

"When you tear out a man's tongue, you are not proving him a liar; you're only telling the world that you fear what he might say." -George R. R. Martin

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I just found out someone opened a credit card in my name and used it to buy thousands of dollars worth of milf porn!

I think I’m a victim of identity Freud.

What do you call a country that doesn't use credit cards?

A Czech Republic

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What does my APR credit card have in common with my wife giving me a blowjob?

No interest until 2024

What do you call a credit card riding a train?

American Express

I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

For Halloween im gonna be a credit card…

Because I'm always getting denied (by ladies)

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My sex life is like my credit card.

It expired a long time ago.

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I’ve just discovered that the kids next door stole my credit card to pay for their Mom’s boob job

Just wait till I get my hands on them!

My wife and I tried to buy weed at a dispensary, but we were told they only take cash or credit cards.

I told the clerk "It's OK. We have a joint checking account."

Why was Anakin Skywalker rejected for a credit card?

Because he applied for a MasterCard.

I have no idea why my credit card keeps getting declined

Every time I check my account online, it says I have an outstanding balance.

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A snobby young couple was walking through Central Park, discussing their massive credit card and mortgage debt.

As they worried about how to continue their rich lifestyle, a grubby homeless guy appears from behind a bush. He says, “Pssst! hey! I’ll give you a thousand bucks if you let me lick your wife’s boobs.”

The couple were appalled and hurry away. After a few seconds, the wife whispers, “You kn...

Inflation in the USA is so high at this point that...…

\- I recieved a predeclined credit card in the mail.
\- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
\- Exxon-Mobil fired 25 Congressmen.
\- McDonald's is selling the amazing 1/4 ouncer.
\- Angelina Jolie adopted a kid from the US.
\- Moms and Dad's in Beverly Hills let go of ...

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Your credit card is like your penis

If you stick it in to anywhere that lets you don't be surprised when it comes back to haunt you. If you give it to the wrong person it can get expensive fast. If you can get protection for it you should. You shouldn't go whipping it out in public lest you attract the wrong kind of attention.
...

"Dad, your credit card has been stolen for 3 months and you haven't reported yet!

- Shut up kid, the thief is spending less than your mother.

My credit card reminds me of school,

0% interest for the first 9 months.

I’m giving out my personal credit card info to anyone that wants it

It’s several shades of blue, very thin, about 3” long and 2” tall with these little raised numbers and letters on it, it has what looks like a SIM card on one end, a WiFi symbol looking thingy on the front, it has a bunch of tiny words and some additional numbers on the back with a solid black secti...

What's big, black and steals you credit card?

Sony Playstation 3

I’m really good at managing my credit card...

...My bank keeps sending me letters saying my account is outstanding.

The judge in a stolen credit card case...

The judge in a stolen credit card case found that the prosecution accidentally demagnetized all of the evidence.

So they dropped all the charges.

There are three dimensions to credit cards

... length, width, and debt.

The women I want to date are like my credit cards...

No interest.

What do you call it when you use a credit card at night?

A loan in the dark

I couldn't find my credit card this morning.

Someone must have swiped it.

I'm sorry.

credit card

Guy 1 : " Hey man, you have been looking awfully happy lately"
guy 2 : "yeah someone Stoke my wallet and all my credit cards"
guy 1 :"Then why are you happy?"
guy 2:" The thief is spending less on my cards than my wife"

Hey baby, are you an introductory credit card offer?

Because your terms are hard to understand and you keep saying you have no interest.

My credit card got stolen 3 months ago and I still haven’t reported it missing.....

....Whoever has it is spending far less than what my wife usually does.

It's my cake day, so one of my favorite jokes ... A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says. "With what money?" says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's crazy. "Who wo...

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I'm a completely broke farmer. The other day I tried buying fertilizer on my only credit card and it was declined.

I literally can't buy shit.

Why does an incel get turned on by a credit card reader?

It's the only time they get asked to 'please insert'

Some guy over the phone asked for my credit card details.

"Sure," I said. "It's blue and there's bits of cocaine on it."

A thief stole my wife's credit card,

I let him keep it Because he spends less than my wife does, I said to the police officer,
The officer says, then how come you are reporting it to me a year later,
I said "because the theif's wife started to use it"

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An employee stole my credit card and used it to buy porn. I had to fire him for poor judgement....

WHO PAYS FOR PORN?!?

A tangent applied for a credit card, but was denied.

He couldn't find anyone willing to cosine.

All credit card PIN numbers in the World have bee leaked

**0000 0001 0002 0003 0004** …

Hey man why did you choose 0911 as your credit card code ?

Never forget

My wife always uses credit cards. I recommended she try cash

But I know she's afraid of change.

My credit card company is super nice, they really help boost my self esteem...

They always tell me I have an outstanding balance!

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A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach...

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach as a fit, handsome man walked by.

"Sir," she said, "Would you do me a favor? I'm very lonely here. Would you give me a hug?"

"Certainly," he said, and knelt down to give her a hug.

She blushed and said, "That was wonderful....

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The Golden Toilet

A man goes out drinking one night and gets blackout drunk. He wakes up the next morning to find that he has lost his credit card. He needs to get it back but he got so drunk he doesn't remember which bar he ended up at. The only thing he remembers is that the bar had a golden toilet. He walks into d...

It's crazy to think that people would break into houses by swiping their credit card.

Nowadays, you have to use the chip to break in.

In my credit card statement there was an extra 666$ charge written in tiny fonts ...

As usual, the devil is in the details ...

A man pickpockets a random person and steals her credit card

as the man walks off with the card, he says to himself 'hasta la visa'.

Apparently people are using smart phones instead of credit cards now.

I tried this but my cocaine was very lumpy.

A husband and wife are having dinner...

A husband and wife are having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. ‪‪ The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who in the hell was that?" "Oh," r...

Considerate.

*An old silly one...but a grin inducer nevertheless*

Mr. Fienstein called the FM radio station and said "I've found a wallet with $400, a credit card and an ID card belonging to Mr. Smith, No.13,Halls Rd, Jackson, TN."
To which the radio jockey says " Oh how honest. So you want his wallet...

I called my credit card company when I got my bill and said, "I can't pay this." "Well, let's see if I can help you, sir. What was your last statement?"

...



"I



CAN'T



PAY



THIS."

Went and got my first gun yesterday

Went and got a 9mm pistol and I go to pay for the gun and the cashier stops me and says strip down facing me


Realizing this is probably because of gun wackos I did as she instructed


When the shrieking from customers and alarms stopped I realized the cashier was referring to how...

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Fifteen Bucks

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.

So he went out to the front of the...

Take 2: Someone stole my credit cards and apparently made a purchase in a furniture store.

I only found out when the bank contacted me and told me that my card had been reclined.

Why did the dad put the credit card statement on his feet?

Because it said ‘new balance’ on it.

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A Beaver Goes On a Date

A beaver goes on a blind date and meets a platypus. Things are going well, and they’re really enjoying each others company. Finally, they’re all done and they ask the waiter for the check. The beaver pulls out his credit card and the platypus responds “put that away, the bills on me”.

how do you stop an elephant from charging?

take away its credit card

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A horse walks into a bar...

...and orders a beer. The bartender is in shock, an actual horse just walked into his bar, sat down at the bar like a person, and ordered a beer in perfect English. He tells the horse,

"I'm sorry sir, I just have to go speak to my manager for a moment."

So the bartender goes to the ba...

A thief and a girlfriend

One day my girlfriend's credit card was stolen., What a relief it was to find out that the thief spends less money than my girl.

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday....

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on...

A drunk guy calls a radio station...

...and tells the RJ,"I found this purse outside Raven's club. It has 1500 dollars in cash, a credit card, an iPhone 6s, and a driving license with Rebecca's name on it."
The RJ asks in an impressed tone,"It was good of you to call us. Do you need my help contacting her so that you can return th...

A married couple is driving...

down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him. "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce." The husband says nothing, but slowly turns up to speed to 60 mph.

"I don't want you to talk me out of it, because I've been hav...

A deaf man walks into a restaurant. He asks a server if he can use his credit card in the jukebox.

She replies “You can’t hear”

Jim and Bob were at the pub when Jim says "Some prick stole my credit card the other day" Bob replies "Did you report it to the police?" Jim says "I was going to but I dont' think I will" Bob replies "Why on earth not?"

Jim Then Says "Well The Thief Appears To Be Spending Less Than What My Wife Does".

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taxi cab

A businessman takes a vacation in Vegas. He has a horrible run of luck, and spends his life savings and maxes out his credit cards. All he has left is his airline ticket home.

Getting into a taxi, he explains his plight to the cabbie. He offers to leave his drivers license or anything else u...

My group mates told me to practice my lines for the school performance

Don't know why I got expelled. All I did was bring out a dollar bill and mom's credit card and did what I was told

What do Trump and a maxed out credit card have in common?

They both deny all charges.

The Cashier said "Strip down, facing me"

By the time I knew he meant the credit card it was too late.

A son of a wealthy arab prince goes to college in europe

After a few months he gets a letter from his father asking how he is, and how's college life, etc.

And he replies to his father: "oh, everything is fine here, but it is really strange, most people here come to college by train and bus, and I'm the only one driving a golden Ferrari every day t...

Google pizza

- Hello! Gordon's pizza?
- No sir it's Google pizza.
- Ah okay, wrong number
- No sir, Google bought Gordon's
- Okay. Then can I order please...
- Do you want the usual?
- The usual? You know my usual?
- According to our caller ID, the last 12 times you ordered pizza with cheese...

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Voodoo dick

A married couple is very happy in their life, but the husband took a new very lucrative job that is going to keep him away from home for weeks and possibly months at a time. He loves his wife and understands that she will have certain... needs while he's away, so he tells her, "Take the credit card,...

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A Scouser walks into the local benefits office, walks up to the counter to collect his fortnightly giro and say's to the woman.

"You know something?
I just hate being on the dole, I'd really rather have a job".

The benefits worker behind the counter tells him.
"Your timing is excellent.
We have just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man.
He wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomani...

The real threat

Police officer: “Sir, I don’t understand. You lost the credit card a year ago, why are you reporting it now?”
Guy: “The thief wasn’t spending nearly as much as my wife used to…”
Police officer: “But why report it now?”
Guy: “I think the thief’s wife got hold of it now.”

Only 3.5 inches are needed to please a woman...

A credit card.

Winning the lottery.

My friend Bob won a million dollars the other day so I asked him what will he do with his winnings?

Bob said "Probably pay off my credit card debt".

I said what about the rest of it?

Bob says "well I suppose it'll get paid off eventually".

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I'm never going grocery shopping again!

I was at the grocery store yesterday picking up some ingredients to make breakfast for the week. I already had a few essentials picked out like milk, eggs, and bacon. Yes, bacon is an essential. I moved to the cereal aisle but got stuck deciding between Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Fruity Pebbles, whic...

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A man walks into a drugstore asking for viagra...

A man walks into a drugstore asking for viagra,

The pharmacist says he has two kinds, one that costs $20 and one that costs $30

The man asks for the one that costs $30, opens the bottle and pops a pill. He pulls out a credit card to pay and the pharmacist says

“Sorry, we don’t...

My dentist told me "This might hurt a little bit. Are you ready?"

I said "Yes, I'm ready."

He said "Cash or credit card?"

I don't usually brag about my finances

But my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding!

My father, who as a child loved baseball, once told me about a time that his dad broke his favorite baseball bat in half because he came home late one night.

When I was younger, and I loved video games, my dad smashed my Playstation after he found a pack of cigarettes in my room. Now, as a father myself, I told myself I'd never do this to *my* son. My son loves BMX and wants to be in the X-Games. Last night I caught him using my credit card to gamble onl...

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