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Receipt Jokes

Preacher finds a receipt for a$250 dress in wife's purse. ..

“You know we don't have money for things like this.” She said, “but you don't understand...the devil was there and kept telling me how great it looks on me.” Then he replied, “you should have said Get behind me Satan.” She said, “I did, but he said it looks even better from back there!”

A guy comes back home to his small town from overseas at the end of WWII. The town plans a big parade for him the next day. He remembers that the day before he shipped out three years earlier, he left a pair of dress shoes at the shoemaker's for repair.

He finds the receipt ticket and rushes to the shoemaker's to get them. The shoemaker examines the ticket and disappears into the back for a couple of minutes. When he returns he says, "They'll be ready Thursday."

Keep your receipt

Two old guys are sitting on a park bench. The first guy says “I got this new hearing aid. It’s amazing! It’s top of the line and I can finally hear my grandkids playing! ”

The second guy says “What kind is it?”
First guy looks at his watch: “About two thirty .”

For all the people queuing for McDonalds

I was at the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and a young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order.

So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The McDonalds worker must have told her w...

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My dick is like my CVS receipt...

...full of STD meds.

I like leaving receipts in my pockets

It reminds me of when I had money.

I wish Reddit had read receipts...

so I can see who I just disappointed

Did you hear the CVS receipt joke?

Sit down and get comfy. It’s really long.

When you throw away your receipt before leaving Costco

You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave

Good thing I had a CVS receipt in my wallet...

The men’s room was out of toilet paper.

A guy is moving out of New York City, and begins cleaning out his home desk...

A guy is moving out of New York City, and begins cleaning out his home desk. He's a bit of a packrat, and after thirty years, he's accumulated a lot of papers. As he's going through the papers, he notices an old, yellowed receipt.

"Lustowitz Shoe Repair" it says at the top. He dimly remembers...

Yesterday I tucked some receipts from Bitcoin into an exotic dancer's panties.

My first use of stripto currency.

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way...

What do you call a man that looks like a receipt?

Bill.

Heard a great one from an old fella in a doctors receiption.

*80 year old man walks into receiption*

Receiptionist: Please take a seat

Old man: Take it where?

Both chuckle

*The Glasgow Brothel*

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties.

“May I help you sir?” she asked.

“I want to see Valerie,” the man replied.

“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer so...

Every ATM I went to today gave me a receipt that said “Not enough funds.”

The bank really needs to get their life together.

Since starting the quarantine two weeks ago, I’ve been shredding all my old CVS receipts. I’m about halfway done...

...with the first one.

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IRS: You say you gave $10K to Charity last year, but you have no receipts.

Taxpayer: I have photographs to support my claim.

IRS: That's just you throwing money at a stripper.

Taxpayer: That's Charity.

If you gathered up all the receipts from your wallet and organised them

You would have a little book of why you're broke

At work, if you put sanitizer on your hand then touch the receipt paper, it actually gets your fingerprint.

So much for a clean getaway.

I went into the Citgo gas station this morning and asked for five dollars worth of gas

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt

Sorry... but I need to vent!!!!

I experienced the WORST customer service today at a shop in town. I don't want to mention the name of the store because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed.


Yesterday I bought something from this shop. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work.


S...

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A business man is leaving his wife for a week and has concerns about her straying while away.

He visits a number of adult toy stores looking for something that will keep his wife "busy" while he's gone. After hours of searching he eventually stumbles into a Chinese Herb and Erotic Tincture shop in Chinatown. After telling the old man running the store of his dilemma, the old shopkeeper think...

I have a civil service joke to tell

…but before you can hear it you need to complete Form P-994731XT, in triplicate, then have it notarized, then file it with the Department of Jokes, who will review it within 120 days, and if it is approved they’ll issue you a Form 771F, which, when filed with the IRS authorizes you to receive an app...

Return of the Jedi....

Is not possible, without the Receipt of the Jedi.

Guy gets deployed to Afghanistan. Three years later, he returns to his hometown for a welcome-home parade.

The morning of the parade he's looking for his good shoes and remembers he took them to the shoe repair store just before he left for his deployment. He finds the receipt and hurries off to the store.

"I'm here to pick up my shoes," he says and hands the clerk his receipt. The clerk studies i...

How did George Bush know there were WMDs in Iraq?

He got the receipt. lol

How did President Bush know that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction?

Well he kept the receipts.

How far is it from the Earth to the sun?

8 CVS receipts

All Trump has to say to beat Hillary in the debates

"I know Hillary can be bought. I have the receipts."

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A man gets a job at one of those sells everything superstores

The manager tells him remember you’re on commission more people you sell to the more money you make. So the end of the day the man comes up to the manager he asks him. How did you do? The man tells him I only made one sale. He said you’ve been here for eight hours. It’s very busy. How did you only m...

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I'll always remember the first time I had sex ...

I kept the receipt.

A man comes home after a long day, his wife then hits him in the back of the head with a frying pan

He clutches his head in pain asking her, “Honey why? Why did you do that?” She answers, “When I was doing your laundry I found a receipt in your pocket with a woman’s name on it.” He responds, “That’s why you hit me? Honey Mary-Ann is a horse I bet on, that’s the receipt for my bet.” She accepts th...

I went to CVS to get toilet paper and they ran out because of the virus.

So I bought a candy bar and the receipt gave me enough to last for weeks.

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A man has a pain in his elbow

His friend tells him about a new machine at the drug store. His friend says "You pay $10, give a urine sample and it'll diagnose you better than any doctor could." So the guy goes to the store, pays his money and gives in the sample. After about 2 minutes a receipt prints out that reads "You have te...

A man walks into a music store.

A man walks into a music store to buy a record for his father. As he approaches the counter with his record he notices that the clerk has put out Nickelback CDs next to the register with a tag thats reads "CD special, $0.05 no returns."

The man looks at the clerk and says " $0.05 for a Nickel...

Why is KKR trying to buy Walgreens?

They tried to buy CVS but then receipt would be too long.

My girlfriend dumped me because I was obsessed with my job as a cashier.

I said, "Would you like your receipt in case you change your mind?"

What do you do after you buy something at CVS?

Use the receipt as a trashy scarf.

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Place urine sample here for diagnosis. [Long Joke]

A man walks into a doctor's surgery with a sore elbow. The receptionist tells him there is a one hour wait, so he sits down in the waiting area and starts looking around sheepishly and wondering whether his minor problem is worth such a wait for a diagnosis.

In the corner of the room he notic...

I ran into a buddy in town earlier today. He only has one arm God bless him, lost it in Iraq.

Anyway I asked him where he was off to.

"To change a light bulb" he replies.

"Won't that be difficult?" I ask.

"Nah" he says, "I've still got the receipt".

I suggested to my missus that I was her birthday present.

She said she hoped I kept the receipt.

My girlfriend is irreplaceable.

Wish I kept the receipt now.

Price of gas

I stopped for gas yesterday and asked for 5 bucks worth. The clerk farted twice and asked me if I wanted a receipt

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A guy walking on the beach comes across a brass lantern half buried in the sand...

He picks up the lamp, and on a whim rubs it to see what happens. Yep, a genie appears and offers him 3 wishes. Knowing that genies often play tricks, like delivering the billion dollars you wished for by dropping 1 billion in gold bars on your head, he thinks carefully about his first two wishes....

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A man was driving home from work when he remembered it was the 20th anniversary of his marriage

He still needed to get a gift for his wife, so he stopped at the department store on his way home. He quickly went to the lingerie department to pick up a gift and a sales associate was very happy to help. The sales associate asked what his budget was, to which he responded about $50. She showed him...

A fat British man walks into a store...

... He sees a box of pills labeled "Lose 50 Pounds Instantly, if it doesn't work we'll give you your money back!". Excited and with nothing to lose, the man promptly purchases the pills and gobbles them down on the spot, but to not effect. Angrily, he tells the cashier it didn't work and he wants hi...

This is a joke someone told me called the penguin story

A penguin is driving down the road when he hears a weird sound coming from his car so he starts looking around for a mechanic shop. Eventually he finds one and pulls his car in to the parking lot. He goes to the lobby where the mechanic is. The mechanic looks at the penguin and says “Mr. penguin wha...

I found a way to save 27 million tons of paper per year

I signed up for e-mail receipts at CVS

I walked into a pet shop.

I said, "I want to return this bird cage. My girlfriend's parrot is dead. Choked to death."

He said, "Have you got the receipt?"

I said, "No."

He said, "Why not? We need proof that you paid for it."

I said, "The parrot ate it."

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I'm bringing sexy back.

Saved the receipt, the original packaging and everything.

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Environment my ass

A small ATM room having two ACs and 4 tubelights, working 24 hours, is asking me not to print receipt to save environment..

Three men were in a cafe, talking about their dogs..

First man says: "My dog is so smart if I give some some money he can go the nearest supermarket and buy me some drink.

Second man says: "My dog is so smart that if I give him money, he will buy whatever I want from him and he will return with the change and the receipt.

Both the firs...

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I felt bad after telling my wife that I'd rather have sex with my inflatable toy.

She said, "Take it back."

I said, "But I didn't keep the receipt."

A man is walking down a beach when he spots a bottle with a cork in it.

He opens the bottle and out comes a genie. The genie is grateful to be out of the bottle and offers the man three wishes to be granted.

The man first wishes for a billion dollars in an offshore Swiss bank account. There's a flash of light and in his hand is a receipt for a billion dollars in...

Rudeness vs Kindness

Rudeness vs Kindness

I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me honked and yelled at me; very upset because maybe I was taking too long to pay.

Wow. “Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So I paid for her food.

As I moved up and she le...

What did the police officer say to the white man running away with a TV?

"Sir, you dropped your receipt!"

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The Irish Railway Company

Correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company.

Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transpo...

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For his 50th wedding anniversary, a man decided to buy some lingerie for his wife.

He went to one of the finer stores in town and asked to see some of their nightgowns. When the salesperson brought out the first item he asked how much it was and was told $100. “I’d like something a little more sheer” said the gentleman. The salesperson brought out a second item, whereupon the gent...

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A guy who has spent his whole life in the outback of Australia decides he wants a change in his life, so he moves to the city.

He arrives in Sydney, and the first thing he does is looks for a job. He goes to the biggest department store downtown and applies for a job. The HR rep asks him if he has any experience in sales. So the guy says 'yea I was considered one of the best salesmen out Bush'. The rep isn't amused. 'This ...

Another classic Dutch Bakerjoke

* A dog walks into a bakery
* Baker: How can I help you?
* Dog: Woof!
* Baker: Anything else?
* Dog: Bark!
* Baker: That'll be 12 Euro's. Do you want a receipt?
* Dog: No.

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My fiancee thought I was bringing a condom to work with me this morning [Actually happened]

We have this miniature dresser in our bedroom that rests on an entertainment stand. Top drawer is random junk like buttons that come with clothes, receipts, etc. Middle drawer is jewelry. Bottom drawer is condoms.

This morning, I went into the top drawer to get a microfiber cloth that came wi...

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The Mysterious Bottle of Ketchup

A man wants to throw a party, so he heads into a grocery store looking for supplies. He grabs a shopping cart and combs through the aisles, grabbing everything he could possibly need for the party.

He's about to head out and he does a final mental check of the things he needs. He realises he...

Sad Christmas Story

Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I wa...

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The Golden Saloon

A man came home drunk, and his wife demanded to know where he'd been. "I've been to this amazing bar," he slurred. "It's called the Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. They've got golden doors, golden floors - they even have a golden urinal!"

"I don't believe it," said his wife, but sh...

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Super-Diagnostic Machine

Leroy and Roscoe are sitting around the lunch table in the break room when Roscoe starts complaining about his elbow. "I reckon Imma hafta go down to the doc and have him check this thang out." Leroy says, "Naw, don't waste yur money. Wal-Mart has this new contrapshun whur you can go and put a pi...

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An Old Lady at a Nursing home...

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?" She digs around in her purse a lit...

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Once upon a time, in the Wild West….

Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West.

So, Fred found his way to a frontier town and became the bartender at the wildest saloon in the territory. He soon proved how rough and
tough he was, and the owner of the ...

A woman walks into a designer dress store, trying to get a job...

She walks up to the manager and says, "I'm the best damn salesperson you could ever have! I want a job."

The manager, admiring her moxie, says, "That's wonderful, but *any*one can just *say* they're the best."

Without missing a beat, the woman says, "Give me anything. It'll be done in ...

So I was on my way to the ATM machine and I realized I had forgotten my PIN number...

I panicked, but then I realized that it's not worth worrying about. Life is too short. We could get hit by an ICBM missile tomorrow or find out that I've tested positive for the HIV virus. So instead I got some KFC chicken, listened to some NPR radio on the way home, then read some DC comics.
...

Dealing with Corporate Information Gathering

The other day, I was purchasing a television antenna in a major electronics store and was asked by the cashier for my name.

“Why,” I asked. ‘I don’t need a warranty.”

“I have to have it for our records,” explained the cashier.

Fed up with practice of companies gathering as mu...

There is a line at the pearly gates and St. Peter says,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, heaven has reached its capacity. We can only take in ten more souls, so we have decided to take the ten that have the most interesting story of their death."

Many souls tell their tales and St. Peter grants nine souls their entry. The very next soul that comes up has on...

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My Italian Grandfather's Trip to Italy

Let me tell you a story about my Italian grandfather and a trip he took to visit his hometown in Malta. It's easier to understand if you remember he has a thick Italian accent, which I'll try to type phonetically.

"So one-a day I'm-a decide I go back to visit my hometown-a Malta. I get on de ...

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Voodoo Dick

[NSFW]

A husband whose wife is notorious for cheating on him while he is away on business is at his wits end with the whole thing.

He loves his wife dearly, and explained to her that this cannot continue. He has a long trip coming up soon and knows that she is going to cheat on him if ...

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So there's this boy, and he really loves tractors... [xpost from funny.]

He developed an exceptional love for tractors at quite a young age. He had grown up on a farm and his father was a farmer, his father's father was a farmer, and so on. He wanted nothing more than to, one day, buy his own tractor and take over his father's jobs on the farm. The boy maintains his obse...

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