Vessel Jokes - 91 Hilarious Vessel Jokes

They just discovered the cause of the implosion

OceanGate was purchasing materials for the vessel and misunderstood the term "substandard".

TIL that you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once.

Whoops, wrong sub

I heard France is replacing its ageing, deteriorating navy vessels

I guess French ships don’t always last forever

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

 

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

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A girlfriend and boyfriend whale spot a whaling vessel.

The male whale recognised the vessel as the vessel that killed his father, he mentions this to his girlfriend. He says to his girlfriend will you help me take revenge on the whaling vessel. She is more than happy to help out her boyfriend.

The boyfriend’s plan is to swim up under the vessel a...

An alien vessel landed on St Peter's square

An alien vessel landed quietly on St Peter's square in Rome.

A hatch opened and two little grey men with dazzling smiles appeared.

They were promptly granted an audience with the Pope.

After a brief discussion about the weather, the Pope said, "I know this question m...

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Did you know if you took all the human blood vessels and layed them out end to end

You would go to prison and they would make a documentary about you. You sick fuck

What do you call a semi-conductor that roams the sea and attacks other vessels?

A pirate chip.

I guess we will never have a naval vessel named the USS Clinton

I mean, could you imagine someone having to say “My sister went down on the Clinton.”

TIL that in 1940 a German U-Boat captain found himself aboard a British vessel.

Whoops, wrong sub.

I used to build vessels for the US Navy

I had just arrived at my a new assignment, a typical underwater craft that was partially constructed in a special facility underground.

My first job of the day was to install markers along the starboard side of the vessel at 5 meter intervals.

The markers were metal posts that must be...

Why do all the Norwegian military vessels have barcodes on the bow?

So upon their return, they can Scandinavian

What do you call the Pope's sea-faring vessel? [OC]

Holy ship!

Never Make a Light-speed Vessel Out of Wood.

It'd just end up warped.

A merchant ship captain spots a pirate vessel in the distance...

He says, "First mate, there is a pirate vessel coming straight for us. We must take evasive maneuvers. And bring me my red shirt."

The first mate says, "Your red shirt? Why captain?"

Captain says, "So if I am wounded in the coming battle, the men won't know see me bleed."

"Good ...

I think Trojan is a bad name for a condom brand...

...because of course, the Trojans were a people whose lives were ruined when a vessel containing little warriors unexpectedly exploded inside their city walls...

A Halloween joke I made up when I was 12: What did Dracula name his boat?

The Blood Vessel

What is a vampire’s favorite ship?

A blood vessel!

my face popped a vessel during this

I was at work today, just pricing a huge shipment of tools. This random customer comes up to me, he says Hello. I reply with a kind gesture. He then proceeds with this:
Customer "Do you know what a cougar is?"
Me "yep"
Customer "So, you know that there are two kinds?"
I giggled a bit ...

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100 sailors are on a naval vessel, with 1 nun...

They are in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. The captain gets on the PA and announces "We've been hit, abandon ship...I repeat abandon ship!" They all get off boat and and take the emergency boats to the closest land. They go back and forth to the boat for survival items, as quickly as the could...

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3 scientists are on a research vessel

There's a storm at sea, and the ship sinks. The 3 scientists are the only survivors, and wake up on a small island.
Upon regaining consciousness, they are quickly captured by a native tribe living on the island.
This tribe has an ancient custom of using tanned human skin to make their canoes....

What do you call a blood vessel with a carrot jammed into it?

A carroted artery.

If you took all of the blood vessels in your body and laid them end to end across a football field

you would die.

What do you call a shop that sells aquatic vessels?

A boat-ique.

...I'll get my coat.

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The Plan

In the beginning, there was a plan
And then came the assumptions
And the assumptions were without form
And the plan without substance

And the darkness was upon the face of the Workers
And they spoke among themselves saying,
"It is a crock of shit and it sti...

Mt favorite naval joke!

**Americans**: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

**Canadians**: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

**Americans**: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship....

Fun fact: if you take a man, remove all of his blood vessels and lay them out end to end...

He’ll die

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Three Soviet generals wager who has bravest soldiers

Soviet army organizes a large military exercise. Three high-ranking officers - an army general, a navy admiral and an air force commander watch the war games from an observation bunker, drink vodka and argue who has bravest men. They can not reach a conclusion, so the army general calls his troops a...

TIL of an incident during the Cold War when American ships, fearing a Soviet attack, nearly fired on a friendly vessel.

Whoops, wrong sub.

The U.S. congress has passed a massive budget to salvage a sunken vessel last year, today they announced their result

The U.S. navy believes it may have discovered the wreckage of the nation’s military submarine, Squalus, which disappeared a century ago off the coast of Isles of Shoals.

A navy mine hunter reportedly made a “contact of interest” while conducting an underwater search for Squalus. The contact w...

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The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:

**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**

And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes li...

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On board an aircraft carrier there are 3 generals, one American, one Russian and one British...

Suddenly, just for bragging rights, the American general says

"American soldiers are the bravest. Look! Smith, jump into the sea, swim around the vessel and come back!".

Smith jumps in to the sea, swims around the aircraft carrier, and jumps back. The American general looks at the ot...

Irish Vs. English

An English naval vessel is called to attention by an Irish Guard.

Irish: Aye, approaching vessel, I advise ye turn 15 degrees south to avoid a collision.

The English Captain replies: "Negative, sir. We advise you redirect 15 degrees north to avoid said collision."

Irish: I repea...

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A Japanese sailor sent out an SOS call.

Just as he is sinking a small boat from the Vladivostok coastguard arrives. Four men greet him and help him onboard.

The first gives him a towel. The sailor dries himself and tries to thank the man, but neither speak each others language very well. The second gives him a warm military jacket...

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An American, Brit and Finn sit at the pub

The American says: “our Air Force is so mighty that if we launch all of our airplanes into the sky, you won’t even see the sun!”

Everyone around looks impressed, agrees that the US Air Force is indeed mighty.

The Brit says: “our navy is so mighty that if we’d line up all of our vessels...

A pirate’s pants

There was a pirate captain who would ask his lieutenant to bring his red trousers whenever an enemy vessel was sighted and battle would ensue.

One day his lieutenant asked him “captain, why do you always wear your red trouser to battle?”
To which the old ruffian replied “So that when I b...

A shipwrecked mariner has spent several years on a deserted island, completely alone.

Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out towards him.

When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him: “The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still...

A lot of blood is moved by ships everyday.

After all, we have blood vessels for a reason.

The Brave Captain

In the vast ocean of the new colonies, a British ship patrols the outskirts of its territory.

Suddenly, the lookout yells from the top of the ship: “Captain!Captain! Pirate vessel in sight!”

With a stern look on his face, the captain declares: “Go fetch me my red blouse!”

And wi...

Did you hear about the boat full of gang members?

It was a blood vessel.

A man and his wife built a boat...

They called it the *Alfred1*, after a friend of theirs. However, it was poorly constructed and sank immediately.

They continued to try to build seaworthy vessels, but the same thing happened over and over. With the *Brian2*, the *Chris3*, and the *Daniel4*.

"We're really not very good ...

A captain in the navy is assigned a new post on a submarine.

As he explores his new vessel, he notices that almost everything is falling apart with varying degrees of rust.

He decides to check the hull, and sees plates of metal with varying dates, some of which seem to come from before world war 2.

He decides to ask someone in hi...

A pirate with a peg leg, eye patch, and a hook hand walks into a bar and sits down beside a curious patron

They begin a conversation and the patron asks

"How did you get the peg leg?"

Pirate says "several years ago me first mate led a mutiny against me! Me whole crew threw me overboard and a shark came and tore me leg right off. Several hours later I got lucky and found a passing vessel to ...

Perspective

The optimist says "The glass is half full."

The pessimist says "The glass is half empty."

The engineer says "The vessel contains twice the required space for the volume present."

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Doctor, my elbow hurts a lot.

A man comes to the doctor
- Doctor, my elbow hurts a lot.
- Please bring urine for analysis tomorrow.
The man got angry, because what has urine analysis got to do with the pain in his elbow. He decided to mock the doctor and poured his urine, his daughter's urine, his wife's urine int...

I failed my medical school entrance exam because of nerves.

The correct answer was blood vessels.

So who's winning?

Two men talking at the bar:

\- So, whats new?

\- NATO is at war with Russia

\- Oh, so how it's going?

\- Russia lost couple thousands of their soldiers including their elite squads, over hundred helicopters and planes, couple hundreds of armored vehicles and tanks, three ...

Two men were kayaking down a cold river

They felt that if they didn’t do something soon, they’d freeze to death. So they decided to build a fire between them which ended up burning a hole through the vessel and sank it. This just goes to show you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

A long time ago there was a fishing village...

In this fishing village, they worshipped the sea. They did everything on the ocean--they lived in huts on the beach or over the water, they were always fishing, cultivating, and harvesting from the ocean. They also had this custom where they would name their kids based off of how they interacted wit...

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A man went to the doctor to complain about his migraines.

Man: So doc, what’s the problem?

Dr. Well, after examination we’ve found out that we would need to castrate you.

Man: (surprised) What? Why? What does that have to do with my migraines?

Dr. You see the blood vessels in your penis gets bunched up and hence it constricts blood flo...

My boyfriend just called me a pot

Because I'm an empty vessel.

Long ago, when sailing ships rules the waves

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!". The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and ...

Not so fast…

The captain of a navy vessel is on the bridge one day when the bosun enters and asks to use the PA system. The captain agrees and the bosun gets on the PA and barks out “Attention seaman first class Johnson! Your mother is dead!! That is all!”

The Captain is mortified and grabs hold of the bo...

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What do you call a used Tampon floating down a river?

A blood vessel.

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At a meeting in a synagogue, a young Jew asked the wise old Rabbi:

“Rabbi, why do people hate Jews so much?” The Rabbi thinks for a while and says “That is an interesting question. We will all talk about it tomorrow over some vodka! Each one of you shall bring a bottle of fine vodka, so we can mix it all up in a big vessel and drink, discuss, and then the answer wi...

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Stormy Seas Ahead

Officer Lanvin was saying his goodbyes to his family because his vessel, the HMCS Beauregard was taking to the ocean for a 6 month long mission.

Through teary eyes, he waved to his family, uncertain about the future, wanting to cherish the view of them waving to him because it would be so lon...

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Two whales were swimming through ocean when... NSFW

They spotted a whaling vessel overhead. The young whale turns to the old whale and says, "Hey, Mom! Thats the boat that killed father. Lets get it!" The mother turns to her daughter, nodding in agreement, and says, "Heres what we will do: I will swim directly under the boat and blow bubbles until th...

A pirate names his new ship Data

His first mate remarks, "Data is a fine vessel."

The pirate responds, "Data *are*!

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So a shark and his son are going to get some food....

They look for a vessel in distress, and when they finally find one, the father says to the son, "I'm going to teach you how to catch your first human. First, you raise your dorsal fin slightly out of the water. Second, you raise all of your fins out of the water, and start circling around them. Fina...

Cruise Control

*Author's note: I just came up with this while working my tech-related job, and I'm posting from my phone. I apologize if the joke just isn't as funny as I think it is, or if there are any formatting mistakes.*

A cruise ship is swept up in a violent tropical storm, throwing it off-course. The...

Some engineers were arguing about God.

One says, "God was clearly a mechanical engineer. Just look at the structure of the bones, how they're shaped to carry their loads without wasted weight, how the joints interlock to give free movement, how the muscles are optimally placed as actuators with the best leverage."

The second repli...

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A man and wife and the captain of a small charter boat capsized and ended up stranded on a deserted island.

It was a very small island with one solitary palm tree.Each day the captain and the husband of the wife would take turns climbing the tree to look for rescue vessels.This went on for days then weeks.The captain was starting to get restless and horny so he came up with a plan.He was high up in the tr...

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Richard's new job

Richard just got a new job on a small shipping vessel. He shows up for his first day and the first mate puts him to work loading crates onto the ship. He finishes a few hours later and they get underway. Richard is put to work and is kept busy all day. After dinner, he approaches the first mate and ...

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A Giant walks into a bar...

He orders a huge tankard of beer and sits down right next to a leprechaun.

The leprechaun looks impressed at that enormous drinking vessel, stretches his head over it and 'ptui, ptui, ptui' - spits three times into the giant's beer.

Angered by the sheer audacity, the giant grunts: "F...

To earn extra money, I started a home-based business building small boats in my attic ...

Business was really slow until I switched to larger vessels, and now sails are through the roof!

Fighter jock and the cargo pilot

A cargo plane is flying along, doing its cargo plane thing, when a fighter jet comes up alongside.

The fighter jock decides to poke some fun at the pilot who's forced to fly such an ungainly vessel.

"My plane's so much more advanced than yours. Watch this" says the jock, as he proceed...

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A large procession of cruise ships heads out to sea.

A massive storm suddenly appeared soon after the boats departed. A ship's hull began to display large cracks, and water flooded the interior. Most of the passengers made it to the deck in time, and climbed frantically aboard the lifeboats as another cruise ship started to capsize, its panicked passe...

German Coast Guard

A Canadian ship is passing thru European waters. Suddenly, disaster strikes and they begin to take on water. The captain, in a panic, gets on his radio to send out an S.O.S. The only response he hears is the heavy accent of the German coast guard speaking broken English.

Captain: “This is a ...

The Navy captain was approached by his lieutenant.

“Captain! There is an enemy ship incoming! They are armed with cannons and a hundred men with muskets and swords!”

“Very well,” said the Captain. “Fetch me my red shirt.”

“Why your red shirt, sir?”

“Because if I am wounded in the fight, the blood will be hidden by the shirt, a...

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Students taking English Literature at a local college were assigned to read two books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories. He got an A+.

Titanic: cost - $29.99

Clinton: cost - $29.99
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Titanic: ...

Shipwrecked

A married couple were enjoying a luxury South Sea cruise until their liner was shipwrecked and they were washed ashore on a desert island, the only survivors.

Day after day, they looked hopefully out to sea in the hope of spotting a passing vessel but none came. As boredom set in, they star...

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A disheveled man with a shrunken head walks into a bar.

After a few drinks he starts to relax, so the curious bartender feels comfortable enough to inquire about the man's tiny noggin.

"Sorry to be intrusive.. but how did you end up with such a tiny head?" Asks the bartender.

The man replies: "I was the captain of an elite naval vessel pat...

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The Tale of Two Whales

A guy and girl whale are swimming along, when the guy whale spots a ship on the horizon. He says to the girl whale, "Hey, I dare you to swim over to that boat and use your blowhole to flip it over." The girl whale swims over to the vessel and capsizes it in one go. She says to the guy whale, "That w...

A cardiologist, a psychologist, and a civil engineer are out golfing

The cardiologist pauses and says, "You know, the more I think about it the more sense it makes that God must have been a cardiologist. Look at our anatomy! Look at our hearts and all of our blood vessels perfectly moving blood through the body! I don't see how anyone but the best cardiologist cou...

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Marine Biologist

My uncle is a marine biologist who grew up in Kansas. He moved to Los Angeles for grad school and never left. His first real job was as a lab tech at USC, where he spent several years before stumbling into a part-time instructor job, which he finally parlayed into a tenured faculty position. The wor...

A ship is ambushed in the open ocean.

After a couple hours of combat, the crew is overwhelmed and pirates come aboard. They proceed to line up the captured men and one by one ask who they think the best sailor is on their vessel. The majority of men say that the lookout Seamus has the most experience under his belt. Hearing this the pir...

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2 Whales [long]

2 Whales, a boy whale and a girl whale, are swimming in the ocean when they see a big whaling vessel. The boy whale freaks out.

"That's the ship that speared my father," the boy whale says to the girl whale. "We must avenge his death. Let's go underneath it and use our blowholes to capsize t...

US Battleship and Canadian Navy

I remembered an old joke I read awhile back. Some details may be off, but figured I had to share:

An American battleship ship is traveling at night around Canada when the radio comes on. It says "Canadian Navy to American Battleship, we have detected that you are on a collision course with us...

A Psych Professor was conducting an experiment with a Psych Student...

There was half of a glass of water sitting on a small table. They would have the subjects of the experiment (other students from the University) come in and describe what they see. Depending on the students’ answers, they would determine their personality type.

The first student comes in and ...

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Once there was a sailor who dreamt of finding the love of his life.

He sailed to the Middle East in search of a genie to grant him this wish. After a long, challenging journey, the sailor reaches his destination and sets out to find himself a lamp. Months of vigorous searching pass and eventually he finds his bounty in an isolated cave. The genie appears and asks th...

What do you get...

..when you cross an underwater vessel with literary interest?

Er, a subreddit.

Ok, ok I know it's poor but I decided to make a joke about reddit and that was the best I could do. I'm hoping the comments provide better.

Old farmer Joe is checking on his chickens

He notices that one of his chickens, Betty, is producing more eggs than any other chicken on the farm. What’s even more interesting is that they all look identical: same little freckle on the top, same patterns, even exactly the same colour! “This really is unusual,” he exclaims, and decides to inve...

A young man takes a seat next to a pirate in a tavern.

He quickly notices that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook in place of a hand, and an eye-patch.

He can’t help himself. “Sir, I just have to ask, what happened to your foot?”

“Well, matey, t’was a vicious storm one night, and I was thrown overboard. A great big shark bit me leg clean o...

Two guys are stranded on island after being shipwrecked.

A: Is that... a toy boat you have there?

B: Salvaged it from the wreck to keep myself occupied before I die.

A: RC?

B: Yep.

A: Wow. And hey, wait a minute. Our ship was carrying red and blue paint, right?

B: No.

A: I guess we're *marooned.*

B: Dude....

An Irish Whaler (Long)

There was once an Irish whaler. Like Ahab, he had a particular nemesis whom he had hunted most of his life. Old and gnarled, he declared one more quest to vanquish his foe before descending into his Mother Earth.

Unlike Ahab however, revenge was not his only motive. This particular whale a...

A man of God floating around in the ocean after a shipwreck.

Suddenly a small vessel appears. The captain offers to save him. The man replies: "No, i'm fine. God will save me." The Captain leaves him.

After some time, another boat appears. This time, a fishing boat. The fishermen quickly throw in a net into the water and asks the man to grab onto it so...

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A sailor walks into a bar

He orders a drink and notices there's a mean, weather beaten pirate next to him at the bar. The pirate has a hook, a peg leg, and an eye patch. After a few drinks the sailor gets the courage to ask the pirate how he lost his leg.

The pirate tells him, "We were in the midst of a raging storm,...

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Off in the English countryside, back behind the church, there lay a secluded stretch of river, set amidst the willows, which was reserved for clergymen who wished to bathe in the nude.

Prominent signs warned against trespassing, and barriers prevented boats and punts containing females from approaching this discreet section of the river.

One fateful Sunday afternoon, as the holy men laid on the bank, the river rose up. It washed away the signs and weakened the barriers, and...

Putin gets interviewed about the sinking of the Moskva

Vladimir Putin:] It’s a great pleasure, thank you.

[Interviewer:] This ship that was involved in the incident off Crimea this week…

[Vladimir Putin:] Yeah, the one the magazine detonated?

[Interviewer:] Yeah

[Vladimir Putin:] That’s not very typical, I’d like to make that...

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First Week (NSFW)

It was John's first day on the ship and he was visibly excited. He had dreamed for years of being accepted into the Navy and now his dreams were coming true. His Commanding Officer welcomed him aboard and began to show him around the ship.

John learned where he would be eating, sleeping, and ...

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It was a fine day out on the sea...

when a young sailer prepared to set sail on his first voyage. Before he boarded the vessel, he came across an old pirate sitting drunkenly on the docks.

"Hey, old-timer," he began, "you look like you've seen your fair share of sea. Could you spare some advise for a young sailer?"

"Gar...

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