What's another word for a mattress?

A loaf of bed.

Me: How long have we had that mattress?

Wife: No idea

Memory foam mattress: Two years, five months and two days

What mattresses do Lannisters use ?

They push two twins together to make a king.

What's the best thing to do when you are unsure about your new mattress?

Sleep on it

I walked down the street and saw a man with a mattress strapped to his back

I stopped him and asked what it was for,

He said “you know my father always said I should have something to fall back on”

What do you call the offspring of a king and queen mattress?

An heir mattress...

I'm well known for making my fortune in the mattress industry

It's why they call me "Bed Company", and I can't deny.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the mattress go to the therapist?

Because it was depressed

(Did I tell this before I mean it’s my classic joke)

There was a fire at a mattress factory.

No one could rest until they found the culprit.

A sales associate asked me which mattress I would buy

I said I'd sleep on it

I'm looking to upgrade my mattress.

I just want something bedder

An Indian, a Pakistani and a Chinese are caught in a criminal act in Saudi Arabia and sentenced to flogging.

The Saudi flogger walks up to them and says : "Look, you all belong to some important countries so i gotta go easy on you. I'll let you pick how you want to get flogged"



The Chinese says: "Ok thanks habibi, please tie a mattress to my back and flog me then ok?"



Saudi du...

Mattress and Panties

Ahmed was a family man who worked very hard to take care of his family. Eventually he fell on hard times and decided to try his luck in London leaving back his family.

He toiled hard and eventually made some money. One day he decided to write a letter to his wife:

"Dear Wife, ...

The wife wanted a new mattress, but I wasn’t sure about the decision.

I told her I’d have to sleep on it.

I'd like to buy a bed, please. Certainly, madam. Spring mattress?

Oh, no! I want to be able to use it all year.

Worrying about money kept me up at night. My mom told me to put my money in my mattress because you can’t trust banks.

So I bought a $100k mattress and now I sleep like a baby.

I wouldn't get a job at that mattress store if I were you...

I heard they have a high turnover rate.

*joke brought to you by lack of sleep

I recall the time years ago when my friend and I went on our secret spy mission. Like any other highly trained operatives, we were tasked with infiltrating the local mattress store.

It had been reported several times for housing a suspicious number of fans. (a Code 182).

Per our orders, my partner and I snuck into the establishment, taking up hiding under the blankets of some nearby display beds. Sure enough, the place was crawling with fans: ceiling fans, upright fans,...

I was at the mattress shop today, until I remembered I was supposed to be at the pharmacy.

I was supposed to be picking up my dementia medication.

Welcome to Lannister Mattress Store!

Where we put to twins together to make a king!

I got the job of working in a mattress factory and went in it on the first day

It was the first time that I made my bed.

I'm always waking up feeling like I'm in some stranger's room.

I never should have bought that false memory mattress.

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A man find himself feeling really, really, very horny but also short on money.

Nevertheless, he heads to his local bordello in search of some relief.

He walks in, goes to the nice lady at the front desk, and slaps a $5 dollar bill on the counter. "Lady, this is all the money I got, but I really need some satisfaction, if you get my meaning. What can you do for me?...

I offered to get my old air mattress for a homeless guy the other day.

Thanks! He replied enthusiastucally. I then told him id throw in my air guitar aswell as I walked away laughing.

My friend was ashamed of impulse buying a $1000 mattress

I asked him to sleep on it

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What do you call a Japanese deep fried mattress?

A Tempura-Pedic

Ted

there once was a lecher named Ted .
who fancied himself a goer in bed .
but when parting a bush .
he would fumble and push .
and screw the poor mattress instead .

I bought two mattresses the other day

I really only needed one, but when I went to buy it, I saw that it was a twin, and I didn't want to separate them.

I'm not saying me and my partner are freaky in bed......

....But our memory foam mattress has PTSD.

Ten little Indians..

Ten little Indians jumping on a bed,

one fell off and didn't get hurt because here on the res our mattresses are on the floor.

Why are ISIS inflatable mattresses the best?

They blow themselves up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men die and go to Heaven (long):

John, Paul and Steve, none of whom knew each other, suddendly realise they must’ve died and find themselves waiting at Heaven’s gates.

St. Peter greets them, but it turns out the place is a bit crowded at the moment:

St. Peter: “I’m terribly sorry guys, but we’re a bit tight on space,...

I just got a repressed memory foam mattress.

It holds me just like my uncle used to.

Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments of my like come flooding back to me.

I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.

Definition: Mistress

It's what goes between the mister and the mattress.

Queen were on their very first tour and there was a mishap in booking hotel rooms.

They were meant to book two rooms with two beds each - instead they ended up with a single room with one bed. They were considering drawing straws to determine who would sleep on the floor, but miraculously, Freddie Mercury, Brian May, John Deacon and Roger Taylor all managed to fit comfortably on t...

It's find it a tough decision to buy the right mattress...

I guess I'll have to sleep on it.

I can't decide if I should get a new mattress or not.

I should probably sleep on it.

"So sir, have you decided whether or not you'd like to buy this mattress?"

"I'll sleep on it"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender he's short on cash. He proposes that he plays the piano in exchange for some drinks.

The bartender agrees and the guy walks over to the piano and starts playing. The bartender and patrons are amazed at the beautiful sounds that are produced from this old piano. He plays several songs in a row. After about 20 minutes he walks up to the bartender and asks if that was worthy of a drink...

Yo mama so fat...

Yo mama so fat her memory-foam mattress forgot!

"You've woken up on the wrong side of the bed," said my wife.

"Shut up," I replied, "and get this mattress off me."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Voodoo dick

A married couple is very happy in their life, but the husband took a new very lucrative job that is going to keep him away from home for weeks and possibly months at a time. He loves his wife and understands that she will have certain... needs while he's away, so he tells her, "Take the credit card,...

Your momma’s so fat

she gave her memory foam mattress brain damage....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A traveller enters a mysterious looking hotel and is greeted by a rather attractive girl sitting behind the check in desk.

She smiles at him, exposing slightly crooked teeth and endearing dimples. "You can have me, right here, right now." She gestures to a door he hadn't noticed before and continues, "Or, you can carry on to success."

The traveller is a little nonplussed, a little flattered about being propositio...

A man meets a very pretty nun on the bus

and he tries his best to start a conversation, only to be disappointed, when she left the bus not peeping a single word. Noticing this, the bus driver called the guy to sit up front, and he started to tell him that he knew where the nun was going every day, and if he dressed as a priest, he could u...

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I saw a bum laying on the pavement....

... and I asked "Would you like me to give you an air mattress?"
"Yes, please", he smiled.
"Here you go", I said, "and you can have this air guitar as well."

Ever since Robert was a child

He had a fear of someone under his bed at night.

So he went to a Psychiatrist and told him "I've got problems.
Every time I go to bed
I think there's somebody under it.
I'm scared.
I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the psy...

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A Frenchman, Englishman and a Scottish are captured by savages in the deepest jungle of the Amazonas...

Angry, the tribal leader tells them,

"You have trespassed our sacred grounds, and must be punished for it. One hundred times we shall hit each of you with our war clubs, but as traditions decree, all of you will be allowed a single small wish before the clubbing."

The Frenchman, being...

I -a dad- just subjected my daughter, 21, to my clever wit

She wasn't sure whether or not to take a foam mattress with her to her summer camp job.

"Sleep on it," I said.

Update: It's the mattress -not the joke- that's dirty. We use it for camping a lot and it is actually quite disgusting. The joke? Clean as a whistle. Sorry for the confusion.

What's the difference between a mattress and a highway?

A baby will cry for hours if you throw it on a mattress but it stops crying pretty quickly if you throw it on a highway.

Professional Practical Jokes on the Groom

A dentist, an electrician, and a carpenter decide to play a practical joke their best friend on his wedding night.

"I'll loosen some joints on his bed so it collapses when he's making love," says the carpenter.

"I'll hot wire his mattress so they'll feel immense heat while making love,...

Great pickup line...

You:Hey, do you have a Memory foam mattress?

Her: Yes.

You: Wanna Traumatize it?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A German, an American and a Russian are in Prison

I love these jokes because they countries they choose always tell you something about the person telling it. In this case a Russian friend told it to me:



A German, and American and a Russian are locked up in a particularly brutal prison.



To train their guards, their j...

HOW TO DRIVE IN ATLANTA

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, Atlana. Old-timers are still allowed to call it Alana.
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on I-285 is...

50 zlotys

Wlodek, a rural farmer, has decided that might be safer not keeping his money under the mattress. So he takes his horse and cart and goes off to the nearest town to talk to the bank.
"Right," says Wlodek, "I want to make sure my 50 zlotys are safe. Like, what happens if someone robs you and takes...

Personal check.

An old miser, because of his exceptional thrift, had no friends. Just before he died he called his doctor, lawyer, and minister together around his bedside. "I have always heard you can't take it with you, but I'm going to prove I can" , he said. "I have $90,000 in cash under my mattress. It's in th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy decides to surprise his wife by coming home from his vacation a day early

he's happy to see that she's still up, as the lights are on in the bedroom, so he grabs the flowers and the chocolate, quietly let's himself through the front door, goes up the stairs and peeks in.
To his shock, he sees TWO sets of feet sticking out from under the covers, the large set on top, en...

Business is going well

A man left his home country of India to go to America in hopes of making money to support his family. He opened a furniture and lingerie business and in just 3 months he had made 80,000 dollars.
So he he wrote to his wife saying 'Honey I want you and the kids to come to America, I sold 1500 matt...

One more for the road. Abu Al Abid went to USA for the first time,

He opened a furniture shop & a lingerie shop.
In 6 months....
he made a good business.
.
He sends an email to his wife saying:
Please rush, pack up & come to USA,
I sold 100 mattresses and 5000 panties.
I made $100,000.
She replies:
It is better that you close your...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was once this circus performer who could eat anything, and would do so for his act.

His best trick was when he would eat several pillows and pillowcases, a comforter, a fitted sheet, a regular sheet, and a mattress all in one sitting. Unfortunately, he couldn’t preform the stunt often as the immense amount of fiber would block him up for nearly a month. After about three weeks of p...

Nun takes a vow of silence

A woman joins a convent that requires a vow of silence, allowing members only two word a decade.

Ten years go by and the woman tells the head nun, "Room cold." They give her a heater and she goes back to her prayers.

Ten more years go by and she says, "Bed hard." They give her a new ma...

Lee decides that he wants to find his place in the intricacy of the universe, and leaves his family to become a Buddhist monk...

He treks for days into the mountains, before finding a monastery, hundreds of miles from civilization. He enters the monastery, and bowing before the lama, requests to become a monk.

The lama accepts, but on one condition; he must only speak two words every five years. Still determined as eve...

Misfortune Teller

Three men are traveling the world and happen upon a fortune teller. Once they enter, the fortune teller tells them each to take a seat. Before than can ask her any questions, she tells them that they will each learn how they will die. Intrigued, they decide to stay.

The fortune teller leaves ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men are on a road trip...

when their car breaks down in front of a farm. They knock on the door of the farm house to ask to call a tow truck. The farmer tells them the phone is in the kitchen. One of three men call and find out no one is available until the morning. The farmer offers a mattress in the barn for the men to sha...

Three homeless guys at a shelter..

Due to a shortage of beds to lay in at a homeless shelter, three men were set to be laying together in a California King sized mattress. That night, the three go to bed.

They wake up the next morning to the alarm clock going off, waking the three up.

The man on the left says "Hmm, I ha...

I had a horrible night last night

My blow up doll ran off with my air mattress

A pickup line for people named Matt.

"Hey girl, you should sleep with me, my name's short for mattress." (Just made it up today, please don't hate me.)

Did you guys hear about Freddie Mercury's bedroom furniture store?

Nothing Really Mattress. They only sell queen size.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men are trapped on an island...

Three men were trapped on the island. One was an American, one was a North Korean and the other was South Korean.
They were wandering around when they came upon a town of cannibals. They were tied with a rope. The Chief came out and said that the punishment was spanking their ass with a huge woo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Good Enough

After the funeral of her late husband, the widow took the urn of his cremated ashes home. She got out of her car, holding the urn, and said, "Frank... I always wanted a nice convertible, but you got me an economy sedan and said 'Good enough.'"

Then she turned to her house.

"I told you ...

Abe and Eva just aren't cutting it in bed...

Ok. My last joke bombed. BOMBED.

.

Ok. So Abe and Eva? They're not quite getting the ol' magical finale in bed as they used to. After so many years of marriage, Eva isn't cresting the mountaintop. This concerns the pair of them, so they decide to visit their Rabbi for advice.

....

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