Mattress Jokes - 80 Hilarious Mattress Jokes

Mattress and Panties

Ahmed was a family man who worked very hard to take care of his family. Eventually he fell on hard times and decided to try his luck in London leaving back his family.

He toiled hard and eventually made some money. One day he decided to write a letter to his wife:

"Dear Wife, ...

Three guys were sleeping on a single mattress

When they wake up the guy on the left whispers to the other two, "Dudes, I just had a dream I was getting a handjob...It was friggin awesome."

Then the guy on the right says, "Get outta here! I had a handjob dream too!"

While they high fived and discussed the odds, the guy in the cente...

What's another word for a mattress?

A loaf of bed.

I was hired to work in a mattress shop.

After a while, I found it to be a cushy job.

I can't believe how much more expensive air mattresses are than regular mattresses.

How do they justify these inflated prices?

I recently became very angry as a result of misplacing my memory foam mattress.

I had lost my Tempur.

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A man suspected her wife to cheat on him while he was at work.

A man suspected his wife to cheat on him while he was at work. He told his best friend about it.

*- I could place a hidden camera in the bedroom, but I don't want to spend that much money...*
*- Well, there's an easy and cheap way to be sure: attach a spoon under your mattress, and place...

Welcome to Lannister family mattress store!

Where we push two twins together to make a king.

My mattress has a real attitude problem

I have a temper-pedic

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What did Hitler name his mattress?

Mein Kampfy

Why is March through May the best time of the month to buy a mattresses?

It’s when they are the most springy.

I want to be a rock climber, but I’m taking mattress making classes just to be safe.

It’s…something to fall back on.

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What do you call a Japanese deep fried mattress?

A Tempura-Pedic

Why was the mattress happy to be temporarily fired from its job?

It was just happy it wasn’t being laid *on* for a change.

I feel bad for modern mattress materials.

I'm sure there are things that even memory foam would like to forget.

What did Ed Gein make his mattress out of?

Mammary foam

I don't understand why mattresses aren't talked about more

Seems like people are really sleeping on them

I bought two mattresses the other day

I really only needed one, but when I went to buy it, I saw that it was a twin, and I didn't want to separate them.

I'd like to buy a bed, please. Certainly, madam. Spring mattress?

Oh, no! I want to be able to use it all year.

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A man and his mother-in-law bought a new mattress, but there was no room in the car for the both of them and the mattress.

Luckily, the man had a ball of twine in his pocket, and after driving 25 miles, they safely got the mattress home unscathed.

Later that night, the mother-in-law came home and bitched out at him when she hit a low bridge while she was tied on top of the car.

Not saying my Ex was fat

But it took a year for my memory foam mattress to forget her.

Me: How long have we had that mattress?

Wife: No idea

Memory foam mattress: Two years, five months and two days

I'm looking to upgrade my mattress.

I just want something bedder

I offered my old air mattress to a homeless guy today.

He got real excited, until i also offered him my air guitar

The Orientation for my new job at the Mattress Store was today.

The Manager handed me a King-sized Blanket and said, "Well, I think that covers just about everything here."

I bought a new mattress today but I’m not sure whether I like it or not

I don’t know, I’ll sleep on it

What's the best thing to do when you are unsure about your new mattress?

Sleep on it

If there is a king and queen size mattress, where does the prince sleep?

On the heir mattresses

-Repost because of spelling-

I’m glad I splurged on an expensive mattress during quarantine.

I can now have my dream vacation.

There was a fire at a mattress factory.

No one could rest until they found the culprit.

Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress?

They were married in the spring!

I'm well known for making my fortune in the mattress industry

It's why they call me "Bed Company", and I can't deny.

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True facts....

\*\*\*\*True Facts\*\*\*\*

1. IN the 1400s, a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb, hence we have 'the rule of thumb'.

2. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only, Ladies Fo...

Yo momma so fat

her tailor uses mattress sizes

Why are ISIS inflatable mattresses the best?

They blow themselves up.

I wouldn't get a job at that mattress store if I were you...

I heard they have a high turnover rate.

*joke brought to you by lack of sleep

Mike Lindell expanded his business to selling king-sized mattresses.

He calls it "The Big Lie"

The Tempur-pedic Mattress company has come out with a line of breast implants...

...They're mammary foam.

I just got a repressed memory foam mattress.

It holds me just like my uncle used to.

I walked down the street and saw a man with a mattress strapped to his back

I stopped him and asked what it was for,

He said “you know my father always said I should have something to fall back on”

The wife wanted a new mattress, but I wasn’t sure about the decision.

I told her I’d have to sleep on it.

My friend was ashamed of impulse buying a $1000 mattress

I asked him to sleep on it

Worrying about money kept me up at night. My mom told me to put my money in my mattress because you can’t trust banks.

So I bought a $100k mattress and now I sleep like a baby.

What’s white, lies all the time, and gets laid every night?

A mattress

My career as a professional rock climber is going great, but I'm also taking a course in mattress-making.

Just so I've got something to fall back on.

What do Tempurpedic mattresses and raptors have in common?

"They remember"

I tried so hard

And got sofa !!
But in the end it doesn't even mattress !!

A sales associate asked me which mattress I would buy

I said I'd sleep on it

If I had a dollar for every time I had trouble going to sleep

I’d be able to afford a better mattress

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Voodoo dick

A married couple is very happy in their life, but the husband took a new very lucrative job that is going to keep him away from home for weeks and possibly months at a time. He loves his wife and understands that she will have certain... needs while he's away, so he tells her, "Take the credit card,...

My wife is coming back from holiday tomorrow...

Does anyone know how to delete the memory, from my memory foam mattress?

Yo mama so fat....

... she gave her memory-foam mattress to Goodwill and they sold it as a flying saucer.

Great pickup line...

You:Hey, do you have a Memory foam mattress?

Her: Yes.

You: Wanna Traumatize it?

One more for the road. Abu Al Abid went to USA for the first time,

He opened a furniture shop & a lingerie shop.
In 6 months....
he made a good business.
.
He sends an email to his wife saying:
Please rush, pack up & come to USA,
I sold 100 mattresses and 5000 panties.
I made $100,000.
She replies:
It is better that you close your...

Queen were on their very first tour and there was a mishap in booking hotel rooms.

They were meant to book two rooms with two beds each - instead they ended up with a single room with one bed. They were considering drawing straws to determine who would sleep on the floor, but miraculously, Freddie Mercury, Brian May, John Deacon and Roger Taylor all managed to fit comfortably on t...

I got the job of working in a mattress factory and went in it on the first day

It was the first time that I made my bed.

I recall the time years ago when my friend and I went on our secret spy mission. Like any other highly trained operatives, we were tasked with infiltrating the local mattress store.

It had been reported several times for housing a suspicious number of fans. (a Code 182).

Per our orders, my partner and I snuck into the establishment, taking up hiding under the blankets of some nearby display beds. Sure enough, the place was crawling with fans: ceiling fans, upright fans,...

I -a dad- just subjected my daughter, 21, to my clever wit

She wasn't sure whether or not to take a foam mattress with her to her summer camp job.

"Sleep on it," I said.

Update: It's the mattress -not the joke- that's dirty. We use it for camping a lot and it is actually quite disgusting. The joke? Clean as a whistle. Sorry for the confusion.

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A bed salesman has an existential crisis and sells all of his wares for 100% off.

The sale slogan? “Fuck it, nothing really mattress.”

What do you call a bed that gets passed down through generations?

An heir mattress

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A Frenchman, Englishman and a Scottish are captured by savages in the deepest jungle of the Amazonas...

Angry, the tribal leader tells them,

"You have trespassed our sacred grounds, and must be punished for it. One hundred times we shall hit each of you with our war clubs, but as traditions decree, all of you will be allowed a single small wish before the clubbing."

The Frenchman, being...

A man is dragged in front of Putin by a soldier

Putin asks the solider "What did he do?"

The soldier answered that the man went into Moscow square and shouted that he didn't like the stupid halfwit leader who caused war to break out, let his army get defeated with expensive military equipment being captured by a bunch of peasants, destroye...

I'm always waking up feeling like I'm in some stranger's room.

I never should have bought that false memory mattress.

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A man find himself feeling really, really, very horny but also short on money.

Nevertheless, he heads to his local bordello in search of some relief.

He walks in, goes to the nice lady at the front desk, and slaps a $5 dollar bill on the counter. "Lady, this is all the money I got, but I really need some satisfaction, if you get my meaning. What can you do for me?...

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A guy becomes a monk...

A guy goes to join an order of monks at an isolated monastery.

The head monk says to him, “This is a very strict order, we live simple lives devoted to silent prayer and physical labor. One of our requirements is a vow of silence.”

The guy nods.

The Monk continues, “You may spe...

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Frenchs in England...

Two French guys were walking in England when they found an old English man sitting in the shade of an oak tree. They decide to annoy him a little and ask him:

\- Monsieur, how long before we get to where we want to go?

\- About 10 minutes, the English man says.

\- But how? How d...

I can't decide if I should get a new mattress or not.

I should probably sleep on it.

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I saw a bum laying on the pavement....

... and I asked "Would you like me to give you an air mattress?"
"Yes, please", he smiled.
"Here you go", I said, "and you can have this air guitar as well."

My Dad is from the old school,

......where you keep your money under the mattress–only he kept his in the underwear drawer. One day I bought my dad an unusual personal safe–a can of spray paint with a false bottom–so he could keep his money in the workshop. Later I asked Mom if he was using it.
“Oh, yes,” she replied, “he put...

Business is going well

A man left his home country of India to go to America in hopes of making money to support his family. He opened a furniture and lingerie business and in just 3 months he had made 80,000 dollars.
So he he wrote to his wife saying 'Honey I want you and the kids to come to America, I sold 1500 matt...

A pickup line for people named Matt.

"Hey girl, you should sleep with me, my name's short for mattress." (Just made it up today, please don't hate me.)

Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from high school keep flooding back to me.

I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.

"You've woken up on the wrong side of the bed," said my wife.

"Shut up," I replied, "and get this mattress off me."

Ten little Indians..

Ten little Indians jumping on a bed,

one fell off and didn't get hurt because here on the res our mattresses are on the floor.

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A German, an American and a Russian are in Prison

I love these jokes because they countries they choose always tell you something about the person telling it. In this case a Russian friend told it to me:

A German, and American and a Russian are locked up in a particularly brutal prison.

To train their guards, their j...

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A doctor on his rounds in a mental hospital

sees a couple of patients behaving rather strangely. The first man is sitting on the edge of his bed clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud noise, "VRROOOOM, VRRROOOOMM....SCREEEECH...." he's going.

'What are you doing?' asks the doctor.
'I'm taking this juggernaut down to ...

I offered to get my old air mattress for a homeless guy the other day.

Thanks! He replied enthusiastucally. I then told him id throw in my air guitar aswell as I walked away laughing.

Ted

there once was a lecher named Ted .
who fancied himself a goer in bed .
but when parting a bush .
he would fumble and push .
and screw the poor mattress instead .

Ever since Robert was a child

He had a fear of someone under his bed at night.

So he went to a Psychiatrist and told him "I've got problems.
Every time I go to bed
I think there's somebody under it.
I'm scared.
I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the psy...

What's the difference between a mattress and a highway?

A baby will cry for hours if you throw it on a mattress but it stops crying pretty quickly if you throw it on a highway.

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