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Mattress Jokes

Three guys were sleeping on a single mattress

When they wake up the guy on the left whispers to the other two, "Dudes, I just had a dream I was getting a handjob...It was friggin awesome."

Then the guy on the right says, "Get outta here! I had a handjob dream too!"

While they high fived and discussed the odds, the guy in the cente...

Why is March through May the best time of the month to buy a mattresses?

It’s when they are the most springy.

Mattress and Panties

Ahmed was a family man who worked very hard to take care of his family. Eventually he fell on hard times and decided to try his luck in London leaving back his family.

He toiled hard and eventually made some money. One day he decided to write a letter to his wife:

"Dear Wife, ...

What's another word for a mattress?

A loaf of bed.

I hit a mattress on the highway

The owner pulled over and said “Sorry, it was my bed.”

I want to be a rock climber, but I’m taking mattress making classes just to be safe.

It’s…something to fall back on.

Why was the mattress happy to be temporarily fired from its job?

It was just happy it wasn’t being laid *on* for a change.

Having a tough week..

bought a memory foam mattress last week, now its blackmailing me.

Welcome to Lannister family mattress store!

Where we push two twins together to make a king.

I bought a new mattress today but I’m not sure whether I like it or not

I don’t know, I’ll sleep on it

I find my new mattress uncomfortable, so I asked a mate if he wanted it. He said he wasn't sure..

I said "sleep on it"

How do politicians sleep at night?

On the best mattresses money can buy!

My mattress has a real attitude problem

I have a temper-pedic

Metallica should open up a chain of mattress discount stores

And name it "Nothing else Mattress"

I offered my old air mattress to a homeless guy today.

He got real excited, until i also offered him my air guitar

I'd like to buy a bed, please. Certainly, madam. Spring mattress?

Oh, no! I want to be able to use it all year.

If there is a king and queen size mattress, where does the prince sleep?

On the heir mattresses

-Repost because of spelling-

If I had a dollar for every time I had trouble going to sleep

I’d be able to afford a better mattress

The Tempur-pedic Mattress company has come out with a line of breast implants...

...They're mammary foam.

I walked down the street and saw a man with a mattress strapped to his back

I stopped him and asked what it was for,

He said “you know my father always said I should have something to fall back on”

I don't understand why mattresses aren't talked about more

Seems like people are really sleeping on them

What's the best thing to do when you are unsure about your new mattress?

Sleep on it

Mike Lindell expanded his business to selling king-sized mattresses.

He calls it "The Big Lie"

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A man and his mother-in-law bought a new mattress, but there was no room in the car for the both of them and the mattress.

Luckily, the man had a ball of twine in his pocket, and after driving 25 miles, they safely got the mattress home unscathed.

Later that night, the mother-in-law came home and bitched out at him when she hit a low bridge while she was tied on top of the car.

Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress?

They were married in the spring!

Me: How long have we had that mattress?

Wife: No idea

Memory foam mattress: Two years, five months and two days

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What do you call a Japanese deep fried mattress?

A Tempura-Pedic

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What did Hitler name his mattress?

Mein Kampfy

The Orientation for my new job at the Mattress Store was today.

The Manager handed me a King-sized Blanket and said, "Well, I think that covers just about everything here."

So, I ate a memory foam mattress again

I had forgotten how much better they taste than traditional mattresses.

I wouldn't get a job at that mattress store if I were you...

I heard they have a high turnover rate.

*joke brought to you by lack of sleep

I bought two mattresses the other day

I really only needed one, but when I went to buy it, I saw that it was a twin, and I didn't want to separate them.

My career as a professional rock climber is going great, but I'm also taking a course in mattress-making.

Just so I've got something to fall back on.

I’m glad I splurged on an expensive mattress during quarantine.

I can now have my dream vacation.

I'm well known for making my fortune in the mattress industry

It's why they call me "Bed Company", and I can't deny.

I'm looking to upgrade my mattress.

I just want something bedder

Worrying about money kept me up at night. My mom told me to put my money in my mattress because you can’t trust banks.

So I bought a $100k mattress and now I sleep like a baby.

I recall the time years ago when my friend and I went on our secret spy mission. Like any other highly trained operatives, we were tasked with infiltrating the local mattress store.

It had been reported several times for housing a suspicious number of fans. (a Code 182).

Per our orders, my partner and I snuck into the establishment, taking up hiding under the blankets of some nearby display beds. Sure enough, the place was crawling with fans: ceiling fans, upright fans,...

There was a fire at a mattress factory.

No one could rest until they found the culprit.

I just got a repressed memory foam mattress.

It holds me just like my uncle used to.

My friend was ashamed of impulse buying a $1000 mattress

I asked him to sleep on it

My wife is coming back from holiday tomorrow...

Does anyone know how to delete the memory, from my memory foam mattress?

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Two American business men in the 1980s are visiting Tokyo, Japan to make a business deal with an electronics company

Sadly the CEO (Mr. Yamoto) had an unexpected issue to deal with at one of his factories and couldn't see the men that day, but had his COO (Mr. Hagino) not only invite the two Americans to join them for a round of golf the next day to discuss business, but also to show them around and keep them ent...

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My favorite joke

I went to go visit my friend Chuck on his farm out in Greater Minnesota, and he's showing off his barn, crops, and livestock. When we get to the swine corral, there's an enormous boar... with three wooden legs.

So I ask him, "why does that pig have three wooden legs?"

"Well, Steve, tha...

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A guy becomes a monk...

A guy goes to join an order of monks at an isolated monastery.

The head monk says to him, “This is a very strict order, we live simple lives devoted to silent prayer and physical labor. One of our requirements is a vow of silence.”

The guy nods.

The Monk continues, “You may spe...

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A Gentleman Is Walking Down The Street With A Duck

On the way he runs into a friend of his. The friend inquires about why he's holding the duck. To which the man replies:

"I know I have to get rid of it, but I love this duck. I'd have to trade it to someone who wants it and I just can't see myself letting it go for nothing. This is absolutely...

I got the job of working in a mattress factory and went in it on the first day

It was the first time that I made my bed.

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True facts....

\*\*\*\*True Facts\*\*\*\*

1. IN the 1400s, a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb, hence we have 'the rule of thumb'.

2. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only, Ladies Fo...

Why are ISIS inflatable mattresses the best?

They blow themselves up.

What do Tempurpedic mattresses and raptors have in common?

"They remember"

A man is dragged in front of Putin by a soldier

Putin asks the solider "What did he do?"

The soldier answered that the man went into Moscow square and shouted that he didn't like the stupid halfwit leader who caused war to break out, let his army get defeated with expensive military equipment being captured by a bunch of peasants, destroye...

Jerry Clower joke (Uncle Vercy`s Trial)

Since I couldn't find this joke in text form anywhere I took the time to type it out myself lol (No Spell Check)

Flew from Los Angeles California to Des Moines did a show there in the civic center. Then to Minneapolis Minnesota, Its 28 Degrees below 0 I slept between the mattresses. Then I l...

Queen were on their very first tour and there was a mishap in booking hotel rooms.

They were meant to book two rooms with two beds each - instead they ended up with a single room with one bed. They were considering drawing straws to determine who would sleep on the floor, but miraculously, Freddie Mercury, Brian May, John Deacon and Roger Taylor all managed to fit comfortably on t...

A sales associate asked me which mattress I would buy

I said I'd sleep on it

Not saying my Ex was fat

But it took a year for my memory foam mattress to forget her.

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A bed salesman has an existential crisis and sells all of his wares for 100% off.

The sale slogan? “Fuck it, nothing really mattress.”

What do you call a bed that gets passed down through generations?

An heir mattress

Yo mama so fat....

... she gave her memory-foam mattress to Goodwill and they sold it as a flying saucer.

My Dad is from the old school,

......where you keep your money under the mattress–only he kept his in the underwear drawer. One day I bought my dad an unusual personal safe–a can of spray paint with a false bottom–so he could keep his money in the workshop. Later I asked Mom if he was using it.
“Oh, yes,” she replied, “he put...

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A man find himself feeling really, really, very horny but also short on money.

Nevertheless, he heads to his local bordello in search of some relief.

He walks in, goes to the nice lady at the front desk, and slaps a $5 dollar bill on the counter. "Lady, this is all the money I got, but I really need some satisfaction, if you get my meaning. What can you do for me?...

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The Story of Suzy Sandpaper (Long)

A young Marine was deployed on a Navy ship. It put into port in Bangkok for a weekend, but he was told he had security duty, and couldn't go into town with his fellow Marines. All weekend he stood sentry at the ship, hearing from his comrades about the gorgeous girls working the local brothels, an...

A guy was shifting houses ..

But none of his friends showed up.

That his when he had to take mattress in his own hands.

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Frenchs in England...

Two French guys were walking in England when they found an old English man sitting in the shade of an oak tree. They decide to annoy him a little and ask him:

\- Monsieur, how long before we get to where we want to go?

\- About 10 minutes, the English man says.

\- But how? How d...

Great pickup line...

You:Hey, do you have a Memory foam mattress?

Her: Yes.

You: Wanna Traumatize it?

I offered to get my old air mattress for a homeless guy the other day.

Thanks! He replied enthusiastucally. I then told him id throw in my air guitar aswell as I walked away laughing.

I -a dad- just subjected my daughter, 21, to my clever wit

She wasn't sure whether or not to take a foam mattress with her to her summer camp job.

"Sleep on it," I said.

Update: It's the mattress -not the joke- that's dirty. We use it for camping a lot and it is actually quite disgusting. The joke? Clean as a whistle. Sorry for the confusion.

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A doctor on his rounds in a mental hospital

sees a couple of patients behaving rather strangely. The first man is sitting on the edge of his bed clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud noise, "VRROOOOM, VRRROOOOMM....SCREEEECH...." he's going.

'What are you doing?' asks the doctor.
'I'm taking this juggernaut down to ...

I'm always waking up feeling like I'm in some stranger's room.

I never should have bought that false memory mattress.

Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments of my like come flooding back to me.

I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.

Professional Practical Jokes on the Groom

A dentist, an electrician, and a carpenter decide to play a practical joke their best friend on his wedding night.

"I'll loosen some joints on his bed so it collapses when he's making love," says the carpenter.

"I'll hot wire his mattress so they'll feel immense heat while making love,...

What's the difference between a mattress and a highway?

A baby will cry for hours if you throw it on a mattress but it stops crying pretty quickly if you throw it on a highway.

Ever since Robert was a child

He had a fear of someone under his bed at night.

So he went to a Psychiatrist and told him "I've got problems.
Every time I go to bed
I think there's somebody under it.
I'm scared.
I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the psy...

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I saw a bum laying on the pavement....

... and I asked "Would you like me to give you an air mattress?"
"Yes, please", he smiled.
"Here you go", I said, "and you can have this air guitar as well."

"You've woken up on the wrong side of the bed," said my wife.

"Shut up," I replied, "and get this mattress off me."

Ted

there once was a lecher named Ted .
who fancied himself a goer in bed .
but when parting a bush .
he would fumble and push .
and screw the poor mattress instead .

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Voodoo dick

A married couple is very happy in their life, but the husband took a new very lucrative job that is going to keep him away from home for weeks and possibly months at a time. He loves his wife and understands that she will have certain... needs while he's away, so he tells her, "Take the credit card,...

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A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender he's short on cash. He proposes that he plays the piano in exchange for some drinks.

The bartender agrees and the guy walks over to the piano and starts playing. The bartender and patrons are amazed at the beautiful sounds that are produced from this old piano. He plays several songs in a row. After about 20 minutes he walks up to the bartender and asks if that was worthy of a drink...

A pickup line for people named Matt.

"Hey girl, you should sleep with me, my name's short for mattress." (Just made it up today, please don't hate me.)

I can't decide if I should get a new mattress or not.

I should probably sleep on it.

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A traveller enters a mysterious looking hotel and is greeted by a rather attractive girl sitting behind the check in desk.

She smiles at him, exposing slightly crooked teeth and endearing dimples. "You can have me, right here, right now." She gestures to a door he hadn't noticed before and continues, "Or, you can carry on to success."

The traveller is a little nonplussed, a little flattered about being propositio...

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Guy decides to surprise his wife by coming home from his vacation a day early

he's happy to see that she's still up, as the lights are on in the bedroom, so he grabs the flowers and the chocolate, quietly let's himself through the front door, goes up the stairs and peeks in.
To his shock, he sees TWO sets of feet sticking out from under the covers, the large set on top, en...

Ten little Indians..

Ten little Indians jumping on a bed,

one fell off and didn't get hurt because here on the res our mattresses are on the floor.

HOW TO DRIVE IN ATLANTA

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, Atlana. Old-timers are still allowed to call it Alana.
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on I-285 is...

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A German, an American and a Russian are in Prison

I love these jokes because they countries they choose always tell you something about the person telling it. In this case a Russian friend told it to me:



A German, and American and a Russian are locked up in a particularly brutal prison.



To train their guards, their j...

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A Frenchman, Englishman and a Scottish are captured by savages in the deepest jungle of the Amazonas...

Angry, the tribal leader tells them,

"You have trespassed our sacred grounds, and must be punished for it. One hundred times we shall hit each of you with our war clubs, but as traditions decree, all of you will be allowed a single small wish before the clubbing."

The Frenchman, being...

Lee decides that he wants to find his place in the intricacy of the universe, and leaves his family to become a Buddhist monk...

He treks for days into the mountains, before finding a monastery, hundreds of miles from civilization. He enters the monastery, and bowing before the lama, requests to become a monk.

The lama accepts, but on one condition; he must only speak two words every five years. Still determined as eve...

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Three men are on a road trip...

when their car breaks down in front of a farm. They knock on the door of the farm house to ask to call a tow truck. The farmer tells them the phone is in the kitchen. One of three men call and find out no one is available until the morning. The farmer offers a mattress in the barn for the men to sha...

Three homeless guys at a shelter..

Due to a shortage of beds to lay in at a homeless shelter, three men were set to be laying together in a California King sized mattress. That night, the three go to bed.

They wake up the next morning to the alarm clock going off, waking the three up.

The man on the left says "Hmm, I ha...

A man meets a very pretty nun on the bus

and he tries his best to start a conversation, only to be disappointed, when she left the bus not peeping a single word. Noticing this, the bus driver called the guy to sit up front, and he started to tell him that he knew where the nun was going every day, and if he dressed as a priest, he could u...

Nun takes a vow of silence

A woman joins a convent that requires a vow of silence, allowing members only two word a decade.

Ten years go by and the woman tells the head nun, "Room cold." They give her a heater and she goes back to her prayers.

Ten more years go by and she says, "Bed hard." They give her a new ma...

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