UPJOKE
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Basket Jokes

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

A woman sends her husband to the market to sell a goat.

After selling it, he stopped by the blacksmith and bought a vise and a basket. He put the vise in the basket and headed home. On his way back, he saw a merchant selling livestock.
Having leftover money, he decided to buy a duck as well. The merchant tells him:
"Listen mister, I only have these...

I live with a basket case

It's quite helpful when you have a basket you don't want to break.

ROSES & HANGING BASKETS

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date wearing a see-through blouse and no bra.

Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager said, 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' and out she goe...

Sent my Grandma a fruit basket with a message.

I guess you could call it a Nanagram

Two orphan children are on the run after stealing a big basket of tangerines from the store

They run into the cemetery to hide, but drop two at the gate
Child 1: It's fine! We have plenty more in the basket. Hurry! We must hide!


They find a bush to take cover and begin counting out the tangerines...
"One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you"


They...

I just saw my wife trip and fall over with the basket of clothes she just ironed.

I watched it all unfold.

Did you guys hear about the person who had his fruit basket stolen?

He was left peachless!!!

A man gets stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.

Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?

Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish

Warden: your pet fish? How’s that?

Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about a half hour, and then I whistle and they all come back and j...

A plane carrying picnic baskets has crashed in the jungle

Rescue attempts are being hampered

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the...

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Fruit Basket

A man takes his girlfriend on a weekend getaway to a beach resort. They check in and the concierge takes them up to show them their lavish suite. He points out the huge fruit basket filled with goodies as they enter, The suite has great views of the ocean, a jacuzzi etc etc... They tip the concierge...

I sent my ex-girlfriend a gift basket of food

Via FedEx.

A tub, pail, can, basket, canister, vat, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, and bowl.

I needed to make a bucket list before I die.

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Superpu$$y!!!

There's a crazy old lady in a nursing home. She goes up to the receptionist and tears open her robe, revealing her naked body. She yells, "SUPERPUSSY!" at the top of her lungs and walks away.


Next the old lady goes into the rec room where other residents are basket-weaving, watching TV ...

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This is the worst joke I know. "A mad scientist is developing an immortality serum..."

"...and so far it works perfectly in cell culture, in worms, in mice and rats, and in racoons. Next step is testing it in dolphins. As she's reaching for the syringes for her test subjects, she notices that she's run out of serum and has to prepare a new batch. The primary ingredient is a chemi...

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Saw my doctor today and showed him the bleeding coming out of my ass.

He completely ignored me, and carried on pushing his shopping basket in Walmart

Why will the columbine high basket ball team lose the tournament?

Because they lost their 2 best shooters

One afternoon a teacher gives her class a homework assignment to go home and have their parents tell them a story with a moral.

The next morning the teacher stands in front of the class and asks, “would anyone like to share the story from their homework?”

25 little hands shoot in the air and the teacher calls on a young boy.

“Well,” starts the boy, “my family raises chickens, and one time our chicken laid 9 eg...

What's the difference between a wicker basket and wicker box?

Wicker basket is what Little Red Riding Hood carried to Grandma's house.

Wicker box is what Elmer Fudd does to his girlfriend on special occasions.

My mum tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she'd just ironed.

It may sound far-fetched but it's true. I watched it all unfold.

When Canada was first unified, they realized they needed a name for this new country, so they decided to draw letters oot of a basket to name it.

The first prime minister went up on stage and started pulling letters and announcing them to the crowd. "C, eh?"..."N, eh?"..."D, eh?"

A teacher tells the students to each tell a true story that has a moral that they learned from one of their parents...

The teacher calls up a little girl, and she tells her story, "My dad is raises chickens for their eggs. One day he collected the eggs from his hens and put them all into a big basket. Then he put the basket into the back of his truck but as he was driving to market he hit a big bump in the road, whi...

An American, a Frenchman, a Turk and a Scotsman are arguing about whose nation is the best

(sorry for bad English, it's not my native language)

The American says: We have our intelligence agencies, like CIA. They are the best in the world, and they know everything!

The Frenchman says: We have beautiful women. Despite being so attractive, they are not easy to be seduced.
<...

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,...

My spouse just saw me fall with a basket full of laundry.

They watched it all unfold.

(Got this from r/memes)

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During the War, some German PoWs were working in a field in England when one of them called out to the guard.

By the bank of a nearby river a small boy was screaming for help. His dog had jumped in the river and couldn't get out. The German yelled "I go help, *ja*?". The guard gave him the okay and the German ran and jumped in the river.

In a few moments he had freed the dog from the weed it was tang...

Why do we use buckets at Halloween and baskets for Easter?

Because baskets are more holey

Did you hear about the farmer who lost his basket of vegetables?

He said it's ok, they'll turnip.

What do you call the basket on a hot air balloon?

A balooney bin. Fuuuuuuck I hate myself.

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What do you call a crab holding a basket of tampons?

A crustacean menstruation station.

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The executioner is going to be pissed when he finds out we lost the basket from his guillotine.

I'm telling you, heads will roll!

They say don’t put all your eggs in one basket....but who are “they”?

Basket makers looking to sell more units.

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A man is queuing at the five items or less checkout.

A man is queuing at the five items or less checkout. The girl in front of him turns around and looks at his basket. He has a four pack of Heineken and an Indian meal for one. She smiles at him. He looks in her basket and sees a small bottle of wine and a Chinese meal for one. He says to her "You're ...

You can put Hillary Clinton supporters into two baskets.

The basket of adorables, and the basket of deportables.

Why did the rapper scream into his Easter basket?

He wanted to give a shoutout to his peeps

What did Gandalf say to Elrond as he watched him make a basket?

There Hugo Weaving again.

Why couldn't Moses believe his mother sent him away in a basket?

Because he was in de-nile

A smart drunk

“I was in the mood for a drink so I biked to the local liquor store to buy a bottle of whiskey. At first I was planning to bike home with the bottle in my bike basket but I’m not an idiot and knew it would break if I crashed so I drank it in the parking lot. Thank god I did because I crashed 12 time...

Jesus sees that planet earth is going to Hell in a hand basket because too many people are using something called drugs...

He wishes to know about this, so he calls His Apostles and tells them that they all have to go down to Earth to see for themselves what is going on and then come back to Heaven and report back to Him.

The Apostles go to different places on Earth and after some time, they come back to report w...

Three Frogs

Three frogs exploring the forest decide to find a place to sleep since it was becoming late. One of the frogs spots a house in the distance so the three head towards it. Once at the house, they find an open window and enter inside finding themselves in the bathroom. Looking for a place to sleep, the...

A woman goes into an art gallery and sees two still-life pictures. Both are of a table laid for lunch with a glass of wine, a basket of bread rolls and a plate of sliced ham. However, one picture is selling for $75 and the other for $100.

Curious, she goes to the gallery owner and asks him what the difference is between the two pictures. The owner points at the $100 painting and says, “You get more ham with that one.”

What were the last words of the first man to be executed using a guillotine?

I wonder what that wicker basket is for.

My wife was so upset when I brought a basket full of cadaver feet home from the morgue the week before Christmas...

I thought they'd make great stocking-stuffers.

Women. I just can't read 'em.

So Hillary Clinton recently said half of Tump's supporters are a "Basket of deplorables".

Next Trump will respond saying:

"Half of Hillary's supporters are deportables"

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A Mexican, a Spaniard and an American are all travelling in a plane

When suddenly, the plane crashed onto a small island. The three emerged from the crash remains and noticed they're the only survivors.

They quickly organized and started gathering materials to survive when suddenly, a group of native cannibals surrounded them with spears and took them to the...

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A man lived next door to three nuns...

He noticed that early every morning the nuns would go out into their back garden to pick mushrooms.

First the small nun would come out with her basket. "One little mushroom, tra la la! Two little mushroom, tra la la! Three little mushroom, tra la la!"

Then the middle size nun would c...

Why'd the crazy guy jump out of the hot air balloon's basket?

He wanted to escape from the ballooney bin.

It was an ordinary day during the hyperinflation of 1923 in Germany.

And your friendly neighborhood Hans was coming back home from work, carrying his pay in a large basket.

Unfortunately, Hans got mugged.

The robbers tipped out the banknotes and ran off with the basket!

A rich man gave a basket of trash to a poor man[translated from hebrew]

The poor man smiled to the rich man and went on his way.

After emptying cleaning and filling it with flowers the poor man returned to the rich man and gave him basket.

Supreized the rich man asks: "why did you give me a basket of flowers after i gave you a basket of trash?"

The ...

I spilled laundry detergent all over myself and the basket of clothes I was carrying. There was nothing I could do.

My hands were tide.

A rich friend heard that his poor friend fell ill after drinking bad water from a river. He sent his friend a fruit basket and a card.

Get well soon.

Sisters of Mercy Brothel

A man is in middle of long, boring drive when he sees a sign on the side of the road that says "Sisters of Mercy Brothel, 50 miles".
He's a little taken aback and thinks he read it wrong, and he keeps driving.
Am little while later he sees another sign, "Sister of Mercy Brothel, 10 miles"....

My dad CLAIMS to have invented this joke. I think it's too good and don't want to give him credit, but I can't find it online.

This story takes place in 1860. Back 150+ years ago, presidental candidates didn't have nearly the luxuries current candidates do. The didn't stay in five star hotels or travel by private jet - they stayed with normal families on their campaigns and in exchange for a place to stay, would do chores a...

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Italian Honeymoon

After  returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia; Luigi stopped by his old
barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.
  
Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da trip?"
  
Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down." ...

The blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court

The game would be cancelled.

Sherlock Holmes walks into his house with a basket full of lemons.

Watson asks, "Where did you get so many lemons?"

Holmes replies, "A lemon tree, Watson.."

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Did you hear about the mushroom hunter who was terrible at finding edible mushrooms, so would resort to stealing them from the baskets of other hunters?

He had no morel compass.

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Nobody's ever offered me money to have sex!

sure a Bud Light and a basket of curly fries, but not cash.

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Since we're doing little Johnny jokes....

Little Johnny's teacher sends the kids home with an assignment to find a story with a moral to it. The next day, the teacher asks, "Who would like to share their story?"

Little Johnny's hand shoots straight up, and the teacher wisely ignores him. "Susie, why don't you go first?"

Susie ...

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Uncle Ted

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we loa...

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Kid with Chicken Wire

This kid is walking down the street with a spool of chicken wire. He passes an old black man sitting on his porch. The man looks at him and says "Where you goin' with that there chicken wire, boy."
The kid says "I'm going to get some chickens."
The old man says "You can't catch no chickens wit...

A kid walks into a church and has food protected by god

A kid walks into a church and there is a table with 2 baskets. The first basket contained apples, and the other basket contained muffins with a sign on top of the basket: take only 1 muffin, God is watching you. The kid goes away and comes back 30 minutes later with a sign. He puts it on top of the ...

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Why shouldn’t you poop in a recycling bin?

Because it’s supposed to go in the waste basket!

A poor man was looking for a job

For weeks he couldn't find one, and he barely had any money left when he found a job at a company as a bathroom cleaner. He went to the office, and after discussing with the boss, he got the job "One thing," said the boss, "I'll need to send you our policy to sign via email". The man looked at him ...

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Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood (LRRH) was traipsing through the forest on her way to Grandma's house when she met a woodcutter who was surprised to find her alone in the forest.

"LRRH!" he exclaimed. "What are you thinking? The Bid Bad Wolf (TBBW) will find you out here and when he does, you know h...

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Little mushrooms

A horny young man is walking down by a mushroom patch behind a nunnery, when he gets an idea. He strips, lies on his back, and buries himself with just his erection sticking out, disguised among the other mushrooms. Before long, a pretty, dainty young nun comes out with a basket and begins picking m...

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Pierre the famous French fighter pilot

Pierre was the most famous fighter pilot in all of France.
When he returned to the small village of his birth, he was received as a hero. All men wanted to be him and all women wanted to be with him.
In the busy market place he spotted a beautiful girl, grabbed her by the waste and whispered i...

Every morning, a very religious woman stands on her front porch and says, "Lord, I thank thee for this day."

The woman has an atheist neighbour who is driven up a wall by this, so one day he comes up with a plan to teach her a lesson.

That night, when the woman is fast asleep, the atheist buys a huge basket of food and leaves it on the woman's front porch.

The next morning, when the woman ste...

An old farmer was selling his peaches door to door.

He knocked on a door, and a very pretty young lady dressed in an extremely sheer negligee answered.

He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, “Would you like to buy some peaches?”

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side, showing her breast, and asked, “Are they as ...

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My mate lets his dog drink beer with us every time we stay over.

One time the dog had about 4 or 5 bottles of the stuff in one evening.

I woke up the next morning in his flat to go for a pee and saw the dog lying awkwardly in his basket looking a bit worse for wear. Hung-over, I’m sure.

I said “How you feeling buddy?!” mid-piss and to my surprise ...

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Stupid Dog

A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door. "An' wot's this then? " he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins. "You dumb dog. " As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a...

Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman...

Join the crusades and have been caught in the Bazaars of Constantinople by the Saracen Army. Dodging in between the shops they spy an alleyway and dash down it. Seeing its a dead end they look for a place to hide. They notice three large wicker baskets they all jump in one and with baited breath wai...

Engineer, Physicist and Mathematician

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are sleeping in their respective hotel rooms when a problem with the hotel's electrical system causes sparks to fly from the sockets and catch fire to the wastepaper basket.

The engineer wakes up from the alarm, sees what is going on and runs to ...

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A teacher gave her class an assignment.....

She asked all the kids to come back to school the next day with a story, and what the story teaches you.

The next day she asked who wants to share their story. Little Johnny goes first and says "I live on a farm, and we had 12 chicken eggs, but only 10 of them hatched. That teaches you to...

The Donner Party had to eat so many people because they didn't have Jesus

If Jesus had been with the Donner Party the first person to die would have filled the entire party with twelve baskets of leftovers!

Paddy and Mick are fishing

.. and they're not catching anything.
As they're about to give up for the day past them walk two Englishmen with huge baskets of freshly caught fish.


"BEJEYZUS!" Paddy exclaims, "How on Eart did ya catch soo many fish?"
The Englishmen explain that it's a life-hack they've been...

If you have 4 apples in one hand and 3 oranges in the other...

You should probably go back and get a basket

An 8 year old Jesus of Nazareth walks into his house...

Leaving the door open, tracking mud across the floor Mary just cleaned, throwing his clothes on the floor instead of in the basket... And Mary yells "Jesus!!! What do you think your doing?? You act like you were born in a....oh yeah, never mind"

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In honor of Norm Macdonald, here is my favorite joke of his.

There was a fella, a little boy in school named Dirty Johnny. He'd always be a hellion in class and the teacher didn't think much of him.

So the teacher has an in-class project, and she says "Now this is what you're gonna do here, class. I want you to stand up, and tell the class a story fro...

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman were riding in a hot-air balloon.

The balloon was about to crash into a mountain, so the pilot says to them, "We need to lose more weight to get clear. One of you has to jump" So the Scotsman says "I do this for the glory of Scotland!" and he jumps out of the basket.

But the balloon wasn't high enough yet. "We need to lose m...

A butcher is at work, chopping up some meat when he hears the door open.

He walks to the door and sees a golden retriever with a note in its mouth. The butcher, amused, grabs the note and reads it. The note says, "I'll take a dozen sausage links. Keep the change." The butcher scoffs and is about to throw the note away until he takes another look at the dog, who is now ho...

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A king declares that all Jewish people must leave the kingdom, unless one can beat his priest in a contest.

The rules are simple: without saying a single word, the contestants must argue their faith until one concedes. Among the Jewish citizens, only one old man steps forward to compete.

The priest and the old man take the stage before a crowd, and the contest begins.

The priest raises his ...

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A third grade teacher assigns her students homework

They are to ask their parents for a story with a moral and share it the next day.
The next day the teacher calls on little Peggy-Sue. Peggy-Sue stands and says “My daddy told me about the chickens that we raise for slaughter. One day we bought 12 eggs and only 9 of them hatched. The moral of the...

Free Kittens

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket of furry animals; in her hand was a sign that read: FREE KITTENS. Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall grinning man. "Hi there little girl...

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Dirty Johnny: Greatest Joke of all time by Norm MacDonald

In school there was a fella named Dirty Johnny. He was always a trouble maker the teachers never liked him. One day in class the teacher is doing a thing we’re the kids raise their hands to tell a story and then say what the moral is of that story. So a girl raises her hand

The teacher says ...

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A teacher asked her students

To tell a story and the moral for that story. Alice told a story.

'A man bought a basketful of eggs from the market. He imagine becoming rich by hatching the eggs and having the chicken lay more eggs, and so on. He then tripped and dropped his basket of eggs. The moral of this story, don' t p...

I’ve just been out to the shop to buy 25 sandwiches for all my colleagues in the office

I kept them all in separate bags though - didn’t want to put all my Greggs in the same basket

There was this guy working at McDonald’s.

and it was his turn to cook the French fries. So he put the frozen fries in the metal basket and dipped it in the oil. You see this guy was a veteran chef and used to be able to sense when food was cooked by looking at it's color or by smelling it, he never needed a timer or a meat thermometer or an...

[LONG] A Man walks into a bar.

A short man, with thick glasses, a calculator in is breast pocket, a huge notebook tucked under his arm, and a pencil behind his ears, walks into a bar.

At this bar they have a contest. On the bar counter is a large jar filled with 100s of dollars, and next to it is a basket of lemons.
...

Guy is rolling down the sidewalk in a desk chair

He has a laptop under one arm, a phone under the other. A portable printer on his lap. He has a small wastepaper basket on his head. A swingline stapler in his shirt pocket

Cop spots him and says "what do you think you are doing?"

"Impersonating an office, sir."

Three tortoises go on a picnic...

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les Give me the bottle open...

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Si...

A family of turtles decided to take picnic at the park.

They packed their picnic basket full and began walking toward their favorite picnic location at the park. It takes them one week to get there.

When they arrive, they realize that they forgot the picnic blanket. They ask the littlest one to quickly go back and get it. He protests, 'but you'...

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When i go down....

Jean Pierre, popularly known as JP among his friends was a fighter jet pilot of the French air force.

One day he took his girlfriend to the park for a picnic. Since he wanted to be really romantic, he packed the picnic basket himself.

Hours later, JP and his girlfriend were having a g...

Two guys are playing disc golf...

The first guy throws his putt, it bounces off the basket and rolls back right past him. In exasperation he exclaims "I swear to God!" as the disc goes by. When the second player throws his putt, it goes wide but gets a lucky bounce off a nearby tree and ricochets back into the basket. In a fit of jo...

A physicist, a chemist and a mathematician

are having one of their daily meetings for a project when the waste basket catches on fire. The physicist gets up, gets a bucket from the closet, goes out to fill it with water, and puts out the fire. The meeting is concluded without further incident.

During the next day's meeting, the waste ...

Once upon a time there was a hatseller

He traveled from village to village selling hats.
One day, he was walking through the jungle, and noticed a comfortable spot at the base of a particular tree. He decided to rest there, as it was a hot day. So, he put his basket of hats next to him, pulled his hat over his eyes, and slept....

Jesus stands in front of 40 men and one of his more sceptical disciples.

He says to his disciple “these men are hungry” and prays to god for a miracle before handing out a basket of bread and fish.

To Jesus’ surprise, the basket returns seemingly untouched and in joy says to his disciple “do you see! Good has blessed this food and allowed it to feed more mouths t...

A BRUNETTE A RED HEAD AND A BLONDE WERE IN ...

A brunette, a red-head and a blonde were in jail when they decided to break out.

The girls broke out and the brunette said,
"Let's hide in that barn, they'll never find us."
So they climed up the ladder and then the blonde threw it down.

The next morning, the cops said, "Come o...

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SUMMER CAMP FOR Husbands. Evening classes for men. Starting this month.

*Summer camp*

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of the content, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.

*Topic 1.*
How to fill ice-cube trays and why to fill water bottles before putting them back in the fridge.
Step by step with slide pre...

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Two checkout cashiers are chatting at work

One says to the other, "You can always tell the married fellas from the single ones, can't you?"

The other cashier asks how and she replies, "Watch the next person who walks up."

Just then a man approaches and from his basket produces one tin of beans, one loaf of bread, one pint of mi...

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