A man gets stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.

Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?

Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish

Warden: your pet fish? How’s that?

Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about a half hour, and then I whistle and they all come back and j...

A woman goes into an art gallery and sees two still-life pictures. Both are of a table laid for lunch with a glass of wine, a basket of bread rolls and a plate of sliced ham. However, one picture is selling for $75 and the other for $100.

Curious, she goes to the gallery owner and asks him what the difference is between the two pictures. The owner points at the $100 painting and says, “You get more ham with that one.”

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A woman goes to a grocery store to grab a few things.

She brings her basket to the checkout counter and begins to offload it. She has a half gallon of milk, some apples, a frozen pizza, a pint of ice cream, a loaf of bread, a box of pasta, some canned tomatoes, and some aluminum foil.

The clerk, looking over the assortment of items as he rings h...

I’ve been challenged to make a play on words with the word for a whole bunch of peaches in a basket.

Try as I might though, I just can’t punnet.

Sent my Grandma a fruit basket with a message.

I guess you could call it a Nanagram

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

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In honor of Norm Macdonald, here is my favorite joke of his.

There was a fella, a little boy in school named Dirty Johnny. He'd always be a hellion in class and the teacher didn't think much of him.

So the teacher has an in-class project, and she says "Now this is what you're gonna do here, class. I want you to stand up, and tell the class a story fro...

I sent my ex-girlfriend a gift basket of food

Via FedEx.

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The executioner is going to be pissed when he finds out we lost the basket from his guillotine.

I'm telling you, heads will roll!

Sisters of Mercy Brothel

A man is in middle of long, boring drive when he sees a sign on the side of the road that says "Sisters of Mercy Brothel, 50 miles".
He's a little taken aback and thinks he read it wrong, and he keeps driving.
Am little while later he sees another sign, "Sister of Mercy Brothel, 10 miles"....

My wife was so upset when I brought a basket full of cadaver feet home from the morgue the week before Christmas...

I thought they'd make great stocking-stuffers.

Women. I just can't read 'em.

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One day a teacher asked the class to get a story with a moral

### One day a teacher asked the class to get a story with a moral

The next day she asks a girl what her moral was


The girl says "Every year we get our chickens and take their eggs to the market to sell them. We were going down yesterday and my dad hit a pothole and all the eggs c...

Hygiene

Women issues

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already aroun...

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Hand Grenade Sale

One day a man was walking down the street with his wife, and his wife’s boyfriend.

As they were walking they happened upon a flea market, with tons of booths setup selling all kinds of goods. Each booth had a sign above with the items they were selling.

Hand made blankets 2 for 10$...

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Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Institute of Mental Health

If you have an obsessive-compulsive disorder, please press button 1. Again. And again. And again.

If you have a multiple personality disorder press in rapid sequence keys 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoia, we have to inform you that we already know who you are, what you d...

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Two friends are stranded in the desert...

After roaming around for days they stumble on a small cottage and meet a 90 year old witch who promises to cast a spell to send them back to civilization if one of them will have 3 rounds of sex with her. Hell no! One friend exclaims. The other thinks about it for a minute and volunteers to go in an...

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the stor...

Did you guys hear about the person who had his fruit basket stolen?

He was left peachless!!!

I just saw my wife trip and fall over with the basket of clothes she just ironed.

I watched it all unfold.

ROSES & HANGING BASKETS

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date wearing a see-through blouse and no bra.

Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager said, 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' and out she goe...

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A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention. Then, in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, a fire breaks out in the engineer's wastebasket. The engineer rushes over to the bathroom, empties out the ice bucket, fills it with water and pours it into the ...

Two orphan children are on the run after stealing a big basket of tangerines from the store

They run into the cemetery to hide, but drop two at the gate
Child 1: It's fine! We have plenty more in the basket. Hurry! We must hide!


They find a bush to take cover and begin counting out the tangerines...
"One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you"


They...

[LONG] A Man walks into a bar.

A short man, with thick glasses, a calculator in is breast pocket, a huge notebook tucked under his arm, and a pencil behind his ears, walks into a bar.

At this bar they have a contest. On the bar counter is a large jar filled with 100s of dollars, and next to it is a basket of lemons.
...

They say don’t put all your eggs in one basket....but who are “they”?

Basket makers looking to sell more units.

When Canada was first unified, they realized they needed a name for this new country, so they decided to draw letters oot of a basket to name it.

The first prime minister went up on stage and started pulling letters and announcing them to the crowd. "C, eh?"..."N, eh?"..."D, eh?"

A rich friend heard that his poor friend fell ill after drinking bad water from a river. He sent his friend a fruit basket and a card.

Get well soon.

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A love story

A Love Story


Micro was a real time user and a dedicated multi-user. His broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time sharing.

One evening Micro arrived home just as the sun was crashing. He had parked his Motorola ...

A man walks up to the register and unloads his basket.

He slaps down some Hungry Man TV dinners, single serving ice cream tubs, a toilet paper four-pack, a single serving of macaroni salad, and one apple. The cashier looks at his groceries and says, “You must be single.”

The man looks up and says, “Can you tell because of what I’m buying?”
...

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,...

My mum tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she'd just ironed.

It may sound far-fetched but it's true. I watched it all unfold.

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Fruit Basket

A man takes his girlfriend on a weekend getaway to a beach resort. They check in and the concierge takes them up to show them their lavish suite. He points out the huge fruit basket filled with goodies as they enter, The suite has great views of the ocean, a jacuzzi etc etc... They tip the concierge...

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Did you hear about the mushroom hunter who was terrible at finding edible mushrooms, so would resort to stealing them from the baskets of other hunters?

He had no morel compass.

What do a basket of apples and a basket of oranges have in common?

A bunch

A smart drunk

“I was in the mood for a drink so I biked to the local liquor store to buy a bottle of whiskey. At first I was planning to bike home with the bottle in my bike basket but I’m not an idiot and knew it would break if I crashed so I drank it in the parking lot. Thank god I did because I crashed 12 time...

If you have 4 apples in one hand and 3 oranges in the other...

You should probably go back and get a basket

Three tortoises go for a picnic

Three tortoises, Rodney, Roger and Gary, decide to go on a picnic.
Rodney packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is 10 miles away. So, it takes them 10 days to get there.
When they get there Rodney unpacks the food and beer.
"Ok Gary give me th...

A tub, pail, can, basket, canister, vat, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, and bowl.

I needed to make a bucket list before I die.

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What do you call a crab holding a basket of tampons?

A crustacean menstruation station.

Why will the columbine high basket ball team lose the tournament?

Because they lost their 2 best shooters

An 8 year old Jesus of Nazareth walks into his house...

Leaving the door open, tracking mud across the floor Mary just cleaned, throwing his clothes on the floor instead of in the basket... And Mary yells "Jesus!!! What do you think your doing?? You act like you were born in a....oh yeah, never mind"

Every morning, a very religious woman stands on her front porch and says, "Lord, I thank thee for this day."

The woman has an atheist neighbour who is driven up a wall by this, so one day he comes up with a plan to teach her a lesson.

That night, when the woman is fast asleep, the atheist buys a huge basket of food and leaves it on the woman's front porch.

The next morning, when the woman ste...

What's the difference between a wicker basket and wicker box?

Wicker basket is what Little Red Riding Hood carried to Grandma's house.

Wicker box is what Elmer Fudd does to his girlfriend on special occasions.

Guy is rolling down the sidewalk in a desk chair

He has a laptop under one arm, a phone under the other. A portable printer on his lap. He has a small wastepaper basket on his head. A swingline stapler in his shirt pocket

Cop spots him and says "what do you think you are doing?"

"Impersonating an office, sir."

Why do we use buckets at Halloween and baskets for Easter?

Because baskets are more holey

There was this guy working at McDonald’s.

and it was his turn to cook the French fries. So he put the frozen fries in the metal basket and dipped it in the oil. You see this guy was a veteran chef and used to be able to sense when food was cooked by looking at it's color or by smelling it, he never needed a timer or a meat thermometer or an...

Leave the horse and grab an apple

Once there was a king. He announced to all the men in his kingdom: "get a horse if you don't fear your wife else grab an apple from the basket".

All the men from the kingdom came turn by turn and grabbed apple. The king was in deep thought, no one is behaving manly.

At last, one man ...

I spilled laundry detergent all over myself and the basket of clothes I was carrying. There was nothing I could do.

My hands were tide.

Grocery Shopping

Fred and Brenda go to the local supermarket and as they're looking around Fred sees a massive pile of lager cans with the sign '12 for a tenner' on it. He rushes over and adds a twelve pack to their trolley.

'oh no you don't. We can't afford that. Put em back' says Brenda

'But it's 12 ...

Did you hear about the farmer who lost his basket of vegetables?

He said it's ok, they'll turnip.

Jesus sees that planet earth is going to Hell in a hand basket because too many people are using something called drugs...

He wishes to know about this, so he calls His Apostles and tells them that they all have to go down to Earth to see for themselves what is going on and then come back to Heaven and report back to Him.

The Apostles go to different places on Earth and after some time, they come back to report w...

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Two checkout cashiers are chatting at work

One says to the other, "You can always tell the married fellas from the single ones, can't you?"

The other cashier asks how and she replies, "Watch the next person who walks up."

Just then a man approaches and from his basket produces one tin of beans, one loaf of bread, one pint of mi...

What did Gandalf say to Elrond as he watched him make a basket?

There Hugo Weaving again.

A rich man gave a basket of trash to a poor man[translated from hebrew]

The poor man smiled to the rich man and went on his way.

After emptying cleaning and filling it with flowers the poor man returned to the rich man and gave him basket.

Supreized the rich man asks: "why did you give me a basket of flowers after i gave you a basket of trash?"

The ...

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There was a young couple very much in love...

There was a young couple very much in love. On the night before they were to be married, both were killed in an accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter.
After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "S...

Why couldn't Moses believe his mother sent him away in a basket?

Because he was in de-nile

What do you call two baskets that argue all the time?

Bicker Baskets

So Hillary Clinton recently said half of Tump's supporters are a "Basket of deplorables".

Next Trump will respond saying:

"Half of Hillary's supporters are deportables"

What was moses feeling when his mum put him in a basket on a river?

He was in denial

Why'd the crazy guy jump out of the hot air balloon's basket?

He wanted to escape from the ballooney bin.

Why did the rapper scream into his Easter basket?

He wanted to give a shoutout to his peeps

Sherlock Holmes walks into his house with a basket full of lemons.

Watson asks, "Where did you get so many lemons?"

Holmes replies, "A lemon tree, Watson.."

A kid walks into a church and has food protected by god

A kid walks into a church and there is a table with 2 baskets. The first basket contained apples, and the other basket contained muffins with a sign on top of the basket: take only 1 muffin, God is watching you. The kid goes away and comes back 30 minutes later with a sign. He puts it on top of the ...

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Disney jokes

PINOCCHIO
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple of we...

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Good long one this!

One day an old man got a call from the FBI. The caller told him “We have noticed large amounts of money going in and out of your account, please come see us on Monday” The old man sat there for a second and thought, I should get myself a lawyer. So on Monday he walks to the office and the assistant ...

A butcher is at work, chopping up some meat when he hears the door open.

He walks to the door and sees a golden retriever with a note in its mouth. The butcher, amused, grabs the note and reads it. The note says, "I'll take a dozen sausage links. Keep the change." The butcher scoffs and is about to throw the note away until he takes another look at the dog, who is now ho...

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Little Red Riding Hood strolls into a dark forest, delivering her goodies as usual.

“La la la la la, la la la la la,” she caroled.

All of the sudden she encounters a vicious wolf that appears to be behind a tree. She becomes fearful for her life, but the wolf notices her presence and runs off into the darkness.

Red, confused, shrugs and goes about her stroll.

...

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A third grade teacher assigns her students homework

They are to ask their parents for a story with a moral and share it the next day.
The next day the teacher calls on little Peggy-Sue. Peggy-Sue stands and says “My daddy told me about the chickens that we raise for slaughter. One day we bought 12 eggs and only 9 of them hatched. The moral of the...

I saw a Facebook post from an old friend the other day

He’d been diagnosed with stage four lung cancer. He’d been a smoker all his life so I wasn’t too surprised. Everyone was commenting on the post and wishing him well, but I decided to go out of my way to show him I really cared. First, I called the local market and had them send a basket of pears to ...

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman were riding in a hot-air balloon.

The balloon was about to crash into a mountain, so the pilot says to them, "We need to lose more weight to get clear. One of you has to jump" So the Scotsman says "I do this for the glory of Scotland!" and he jumps out of the basket.

But the balloon wasn't high enough yet. "We need to lose m...

Did you know that Vegas has more Catholic Churches than casinos?

Not surprisingly, some Sunday worshipers give casino chips when the collection basket is passed. Since they get chips for many different casinos the churches have devised a system to handle the collections. The churches send all of their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting a...

I’ve just been out to the shop to buy 25 sandwiches for all my colleagues in the office

I kept them all in separate bags though - didn’t want to put all my Greggs in the same basket

A family of turtles decided to take picnic at the park.

They packed their picnic basket full and began walking toward their favorite picnic location at the park. It takes them one week to get there.

When they arrive, they realize that they forgot the picnic blanket. They ask the littlest one to quickly go back and get it. He protests, 'but you'...

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A young mailman gets gets farewell...

A young mailman is transferred to another town and as he did a very good job at his work, the people of the town decided to greet him with something on the last day.

The mailman goes from one house to other collecting gifts and treats.

One lady gives him some cash to show her gratitude...

One afternoon a teacher gives her class a homework assignment to go home and have their parents tell them a story with a moral.

The next morning the teacher stands in front of the class and asks, “would anyone like to share the story from their homework?”

25 little hands shoot in the air and the teacher calls on a young boy.

“Well,” starts the boy, “my family raises chickens, and one time our chicken laid 9 eg...

Paddy and Mick are fishing

.. and they're not catching anything.
As they're about to give up for the day past them walk two Englishmen with huge baskets of freshly caught fish.


"BEJEYZUS!" Paddy exclaims, "How on Eart did ya catch soo many fish?"
The Englishmen explain that it's a life-hack they've been...

I grew up in a family of potters.

I told my dad "I don't want to make pots anymore, I want to make baskets" and he was furious - he was going to kick me out.

He said "go. Weave."

Single, huh?

A woman went to a grocery store and did some shopping. She gave her basket to the check-out clerk, who scanned the following:

1 toothbrush
2 small packages of noodles
1 banana
1 small turkey
1/2 gallon of milk

The clerk looked at the woman and said "single, huh?'
...

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A teacher asked her students

To tell a story and the moral for that story. Alice told a story.

'A man bought a basketful of eggs from the market. He imagine becoming rich by hatching the eggs and having the chicken lay more eggs, and so on. He then tripped and dropped his basket of eggs. The moral of this story, don' t p...

Three men sat around a table in a bar and talked about their wives.

The first man says, "I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician. When I got home last night I found a pair of pliers and some insulating tape behind the radiator in the bedroom - we've not had any work done on the house, and I can't think of any other way they could have got there".
...

My dad CLAIMS to have invented this joke. I think it's too good and don't want to give him credit, but I can't find it online.

This story takes place in 1860. Back 150+ years ago, presidental candidates didn't have nearly the luxuries current candidates do. The didn't stay in five star hotels or travel by private jet - they stayed with normal families on their campaigns and in exchange for a place to stay, would do chores a...

The blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court

The game would be cancelled.

How would the Church of England deal with the statement that "the cat sat on the mat" if it appeared in the Bible?

The liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also, cat and mat had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This ...

Judy came home from shopping and met her 19 year old granddaughter Tae walking out of the shared apartment.

Tae was wearing a sleek black top through which her nipples were easily seen against the threads. In shock, Judy said "Granddaughter! I cannot allow you to go out of this house in such apparel! Your goods are showing way too much!"

To which Tae replied, "Loosen up, Grams. This isn't the 70s, ...

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A man is told by his doctor that he'll never again have a erection.

"It's a very unique case of erectile dysfunction" the doctor says.

"There is only only way to possibly cure it, but the procedure is very risky and unorthodox. You see, I can graft tissue from an elephant's truck into your penis, which could allow you to achieve an erection."

The man,...

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A man is queuing at the five items or less checkout.

A man is queuing at the five items or less checkout. The girl in front of him turns around and looks at his basket. He has a four pack of Heineken and an Indian meal for one. She smiles at him. He looks in her basket and sees a small bottle of wine and a Chinese meal for one. He says to her "You're ...

Last night while shopping at the local MegaLoMart

we bought 2 dozen eggs. The cashier put both in the same bag. Of course, I responded "Please put those is separate bags. I don't like to put all my eggs in one basket." My wife, son and the cashier all gave me the eye roll. Mission accomplished.

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An old man is trying to figure out how to choose which one of his three sons should inherit his farm

So one morning he decides to give them each a duck and tells them whoever sells it for the most money gets the farm, and all 3 of them set out to sell their ducks.

The oldest son comes back an hour later and says "i got 10 dollars for my duck dad" to which the father replies "not bad."
...

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A woman is in line at the grocery store

As she starts to load her food onto the conveyor belt, a drunk man gets in line behind her. As she finishes emptying her basket he leans over and says to her, "you must be single."

She's determined to ignore him, but as she waits she finds herself looking down at her groceries: milk, eggs, ap...

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lucky mailman

after 20 years on the job the local postman is about to retire and on this last scheduled delivery run he finds himself beset with thankful friends and neighbours, all of whom show their appreciation of his years of service. loaded down with gift baskets, wine, flowers and thank you cards he reaches...

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Italian Honeymoon

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.


Giovanni said, “Hey Luigi, how was-a da treep?”

Luigi said, “Everyting was-a perfecto except-a for da train-a ride down.”

...

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One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand.

"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.

Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all th...

Where does Quentin Tarantino hide his Easter eggs?

In his movies



Alt. Punchline, Inglorious Baskets. Hoppy Easter yall!

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One day while at the farmers market a man came upon a cart with a sign that read “Magic Apples”

He asked the farmer what could possibly be magic about apples. The farmer handed him a fruit and said try it. After taking a bite the man said to the farmer, “It’s a fine apple, but still just an apple.” To which the farmer replied “Turn it over”. The man turned the apple over, took another bite, an...

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Grandpa takes grandson to a picnic

They sit down under a tree and grandpa pulls out a cigarette

Grandson asks "can I have a cigarette? "
Grandpa answers " can your dick reach your asshole?"
Grandson "no"
Grandpa " then you're not old enough to smoke"

Few minutes later grandpa pulls out a beer

Grandson "c...

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A Scotsman, an American, and a Mexican...

A Scotsman, an American, and a Mexican are travelling in a hot air balloon when it starts to rapidly lose altitude.

"Quick!" says the Scotsman, "We need to lose some weight, fast."

He throws his case of fine scotch whisky over the side.

"Why did you do that?" says the American. ...

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A heartwarming story from the war

A boy is walking his dog in an English park when it chases a duck into the river and gets into difficulties. The boy stands on the riverbank screaming for help and crying in panic, when a German PoW on a work detail in a field sees what is happening. "Hey, Tommy, I go help?" he calls out to the guar...

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A man is passing through rural Georgia

As he is driving, he spots a sign along the road that says “Peanut butter and jelly flavored peaches, next right”.

Intrigued, the man takes the next right to the farm. He sees a farm standing next to a fruit stand.

Man: “Can I sample one of your PBNJ peaches? Sorry, I’m just a bit skep...

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Kid with Chicken Wire

This kid is walking down the street with a spool of chicken wire. He passes an old black man sitting on his porch. The man looks at him and says "Where you goin' with that there chicken wire, boy."
The kid says "I'm going to get some chickens."
The old man says "You can't catch no chickens wit...

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A priest and a nun decide to play basketball together...

They walk towards the basketball field and start a free shots challenge.

The nun shoots the ball and scores a point.

It's the priest's turn: he shoots the ball but misses the basket. Being angry he shouts "fucking God, I missed it".

The nun is astonished and says "Sir, please yo...

Each Man Gets One Wish...

Steve Bannon, Donald Trump, and Justin Trudeau are walking along the path outside the Ottawa Parliament, when they come across a lantern in their path. Upon picking it up, a a cloud of smoke appears, and when it clears, to their amazement, there's a Genie!

The Genie says, "As there are three ...

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When i go down....

Jean Pierre, popularly known as JP among his friends was a fighter jet pilot of the French air force.

One day he took his girlfriend to the park for a picnic. Since he wanted to be really romantic, he packed the picnic basket himself.

Hours later, JP and his girlfriend were having a g...

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Sunnyvale Farms - PEACHES ANY FLAVOR (long)

A traveling salesman was driving into a new town and prospect, when he passes a sign that says “ Sunnyvale Farms! Peaches, any flavor”. Upon reading the sign, he thinks to himself “These rednecks are some seriously dumb folks. A peach is a peach! What’s that “any flavor” BS about?

So, over th...

Two guys are playing disc golf...

The first guy throws his putt, it bounces off the basket and rolls back right past him. In exasperation he exclaims "I swear to God!" as the disc goes by. When the second player throws his putt, it goes wide but gets a lucky bounce off a nearby tree and ricochets back into the basket. In a fit of jo...

On the first day of school,

.. the children brought gifts for their teacher. The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Th...

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A farmer was selling his

peaches door to door. He knocked on a
door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer
negligee answered the door.

He raised his basket to show her
the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, ...

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