10 pints of Guinness in 10 minutes.

An American walks into an Irish pub. He asks the patrons, " I'll bet $500 that none of you can drink 10 pints of Guinness in 10 minutes." People raise their heads but ignore the absurd bet and go back to drinking and merry making, except an Irishman who leaves the bar. Some time passes and the Irish...

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders 3 pints of Guinness.

He then proceeds to take a sip from the first, then a sip from the second, then a sip from the third, and starts again with a sip from the first, then second and so on.

The bartender asks what he was up to, and he replied "I have 2 brothers, one lives in New York and one in Sydney, and since ...

My grandpa’s last words before he died was “Pints! Gallons! Litres!”

That spoke volumes.

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barkeeper says, "You're on here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse replies, "I don't think I am" and vanishes from existence.

See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think, therefore I am'. But to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it.

"It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each...

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"Yep," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"Yep again”, says the duck, "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that”, says the barman as he pulls th...

Dollar pints

Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair after arriving in a hotel in Manchester went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.

The barman said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."

Taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"We do try ...

There’s a man at an outdoor bar who orders one pint of beer for himself and 10 for his giraffe...

He continues to do this throughout the night. When he heads home, the giraffe stands up but then toppled over because of how drunk he is. The bartender says ‘Hey! You can’t leave that lying there!’
The man then says ‘It’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe.’

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Who does a pint of Guinness and a Catholic priest have in common?

Both have a white collar and black coat. And you’ve to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one.

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A man walked into a bar on the 100th floor of a building, chugged a pint, then jumped out of an open window.

Ten minutes later, with no injuries, he ran back into the bar, chugged a pint, then jumped out of the same window.

When he returned ten minutes later, a man asked him how he survived.

“You see, alcohol makes you warmer and heat rises. So if you chug a pint really quickly then concentra...

So a boy was born, and he was just a head. But his parents took this difficulty in their stride and raised him as well as they could. On the boy's 18th birthday, his father takes him down the pub for his first pint.

He takes the first sip, and out pops his body. Surprised, he takes a second sip, and out pop his arms. The whole pub is cheering him on now. His father has tears of joy streaming down his face. So the boy takes his final sip, and out pop his legs. The boy is so happy that he immediately jumps up ...

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England, Scotland and Ireland all walk into a bar and order a Pint.

After a minute or so the barkeep brings them their drinks. They all look down and find a fly in their drinks.

England turns its nose up at the drink and pushes it away, Scotland shrugs its shoulders and flicks the fly out, But Ireland grabs the fly by the wings and while shaking it shouts "S...

A man, new to town, walks into a bar and asks for three pints of Guinness, served all at once.

The bartender mentions that he might better enjoy them one at a time, so they don’t get warm, but the man tells him this story:

“You see, I’m an identical triplet, and I just moved here from my hometown. My brothers and I all agreed that every Tuesday night, we would go to the bar and order t...

A polar bear walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer

The barman says $18 please.

The polar bear pays and takes a seat.

Bemused, the barman approaches and says "this is exciting - we don't get many polar bears in here!", to which the polar bear replies: "I'm not surprised with beer at $18 a pint."

A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a pint and a packet of crisps.

The bar tended turns around and says “sorry we don’t serve food here”.

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrig...

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I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale.

I said ‘no way, centipedes don’t talk.’
The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me.
A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede said nothing...

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and and Irishman all enter a pub, sit down at the bar, and each orders a pint.

By some incredible coincidence, three flies come along and each one lands in a separate glass.

The Englishman pushes his glass away in disgust and demands that it be replaced on the house.

The Scotsman scoops the fly out of his beer, drops it on the bar top, and continues to sip.
...

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Guy walks into a bar. He asks for a pint of warm, sloppily filled beer that isn't even a full glass.

The barman replies. I can't serve that sir sorry.

The guy says back. You could last week.

An Irishman walks into a bar amd orders three pints of Guiness.

He takes them to a table and takes a drink from each one, alternating cups until all of them are empty.

He comes back the next week and does the same. Three pints and takes a drink from each until they are all gone.

The third time he comes in the barman, curious, asks why he drinks lik...

So a guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of less.

The bartender asks, "What's less?" The guy says "I don't know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it."

A rope walks into a bar and asks for a pint

the bartender replies "I don't serve ropes, you'll have to leave". The rope leaves determined to get served. He ties himself up, ruffles his hair and tries again. "Are you the rope i just threw out?"
Rope says "I'm a frayed knot mate".

A man enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a pint. After he finishes , he peeks inside his shirt's pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another pint.

After he finishes, he again peeks inside his shirt's pocket and orders the bartender to bring another pint. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' drinks all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt's pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm pe...

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A quick pint after work turned into a bit of session. I was far too drunk to drive, so I did the sensible thing and took a bus home.

Fuck knows how I managed to park it!

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Irish woman and the milkman

Little old Irish woman is sitting on her porch waiting for the milkman. He arrives and drops off her milk. She says “Oh thank you, but for next time could you bring me 500 pints of milk?”

“500 pints of milk?!!” the man says, “Whatcha need 500 pints of milk fer?!”

The old woman says “...

A dog walks into a bar and says, “a pint of beer, please.” The bartender says, “wow, you should be in the circus.”

The dog says, “why, do they need electricians?”

A texan walks into an Irish bar.

A texan walks into an Irish bar and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to 12thanybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s of...

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A milkman gets an order for 45 pints of milk

Puzzled, he decides to ask the customer if this is a mistake.
When he knocks on the door, a woman comes out wearing just a bath towel, and she confirms that she wants 45 pints. "Milk baths are good for your skin," explains the woman.
"Oh, OK," replies the milkman. "Do you need it pasteurized t...

A software engineer gets sent to the shops by his wife

She tells him

“Go and get a pint of milk, and if they have eggs get six”

So he disappears and comes back ten minutes later with six pints of milk.

“Why on earth did you get six pints of milk?” His wife asks. He replies

“They had eggs”

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Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint, and the phone rings ...

He jumps up, shouting: "oh shit, I forgot to feed the dog!"

Man walks in to a bar and asks for a spoonful of lager in a pint glass, topped up with water.

"That's a strange drink to order" says the barman.

"That's what you'd be drinking if you had what I've got" replied the man.

"What have you got?" Asked the barman.

"Eleven Pence"....,

An Irishman orders three pints of Guinness

An Irishman walks into a local pub and orders three pints of Guinness. He drinks them all, settles his tab, and goes on his way.

The next day, the same man walks into the same pub around the same time and again orders three pints of Guinness. He drinks them down, settles up, and goes on his w...

A Dublin man enters his local pub on a Friday night, takes a seat at the bar, and orders 3 pints of Guinness

He proceeds to take alternating sips from each glass until all 3 are empty, thanks the bartender, pays his tab, and leaves.

This practice continues week after week until one evening when the bartender, curious about the man’s weekly ritual, says, “Sir, you’re one of my regulars here. If you...

If you're depressed, try drinking a pint of water before going to bed.

It'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

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Dave walks into his local pub...

...and sees Bob sitting at the bar, grinning from ear to ear.

Dave goes up to Bob and says, “Oy, Bob, what you grinning about there?” Bob replies, “Oh, Dave! Well, I was out there yesterday just waxing my boat and up walks this blonde with the most amazing tits! I start up a conversation and...

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I was sitting at the bar by myself on a business trip over in Scotland...

...and there was an older gentleman all by himself at the end of the bar. I didn’t know anyone there, the bartender wasn’t too friendly so I stood up, walked over to the man to start up a conversation. I asked the bartender for a couple of pints and sat down next to the man.

“Hi there” I sai...

A guy walks into a pub, sits down and orders a pint.

After a minute, he stands on his chair and tells the pub the funniest joke he knows. The place is filled with silence and everyone carries on drinking.

After an hour, another man in the pub stands on his chair and tells the pub a joke. The place erupts! People are rolling around on the floor...

What's grey and comes in pints?

An elephant.

This guy in the pub said, "If you can finish your pint in ten seconds I'll buy your next one."

So I chugged away. Cheers all around me.

I slammed my glass on the table and said, "Time!"

"6.3 seconds," said the guy. "Pretty impressive."

There was a pause. I wiped my chops.

"So, do I get my pint now, kind sir?"

"No."

Startled, I said, "Well, why the hel...

What do you call a man who's had ten pints and wants to drive back home?

A taxi.

Salty Pete The Pirate

So, Salty Pete the pirate hobbles into the bar one night. I mean, he's so piratey. He's got a parrot on his shoulder, an eye patch, the peg leg and hook for a hand, and he for some reason has the helm of his ship stuck to his nether regions.

Anyway, he hobbles up to the bar and tosses down...

What do you call two pints of strict rules?

A quart of law

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two

but didn’t have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.


Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage.


Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don’t have any money le...

When is was a kid, mum used to send me the shops wtih 50p. i could come home with a chicken, 2 pints of milk, 6 eggs, 2 packs of bacon and a comic book...

You can't do this nowadays though because of CCTV.

An American, a Brit, and an Irishman each order a pint.

When the bartender delivers the drinks, each one has a fly floating in it.

The American throws a fit, yelling, saying how he can’t drink it, take it back immediately, etc.

The Brit removes the fly and politely enjoys his beer.

The Irishman is furious and screams at the fly: “S...

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A bloke heads down to a pet shop in search of an animal to give him some company as he gets lonely at home.

He didn't have many friends and wanted a pet to give him purpose. The bloke walks into the pet shop and gets greeted by the cashier

"Good afternoon sir what can I help you with today?"

"I've come to look for a pet to keep me company" The bloke replies.

"Well then I've got jus...

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I remember when I took my son to the pub for the first time I bought him a pint of bitter,

he didn't like it so I drank it, I bought him a pint of lager,

same thing,

cider same thing,

alcopops, same thing.

I bought him the full selection of spirits,he didn't like any of them so I had to finish them off,

so we finally went home.

How the fuck I ...

A bit of red tarmac and a bit of black tarmac were sitting quietly in the pub having a pint, when this bit of green tarmac walks in, beats the living daylights out of the red bit of tarmac and then storms off again...

The barman says to the bit of black tarmac, “What the heck was all that about?”

The bit of black tarmac replies, “You have to be careful not to upset that one. He’s a bit of a cyclepath."

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Boris Johnson walks into a pub...

Boris Johnson walks into a pub and asks for a pint. The barman draws it & throws it into his face. 'Why did you do that?' 'You asked for a pint, but you didn't say how you wanted it delivered.' Boris: ‘I'll have a pint in a pint glass.' 'No. You can't ask again.' 'Why not?' 'Democracy.'

A shifty looking guy in a kilt walks into a London pub

He orders a pint and very very carefully puts down the plastic bag he is carrying.

The bartender asks "What's that?"

The guy answers "6 pounds of explosives"

"Thank Christ for that" says the barman, "I thought it might be bagpipes."

Some black tarmac and red tarmac are having a pint in the pub...

Some black tarmac and red tarmac are having a pint in the pub

The black tarmac says: "Did you know I’m the hardest tarmac in Britain? I do major road surfaces, car parks, runways, you name it, I’m hard"

Suddenly the door opens and the green tarmac walks in.

The black tarmac brea...

An old man walks into a bar and slams a bag of gold coins down,

addresses the customers by saying, "I'll give this entire bag of coins to any man here able to drink 10 pints in 2 minutes'"

Nobody takes him up on the offer but he notices an Irishman getting up and leaving.

A few minutes later the Irishman is back and says to him, "Is yer wager stil...

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Two lip-reading deaf guys walk into a pub.

One turns to the other and says (in a mongy deaf voice), "You go find a seat...I'll get the drinks in".
He walks up to the bar and says, "Bartender, could I please have two pints of lager?"
"Certainly," replies the barman, "That'll be £10."
"Ten pounds?" gasps the deaf guy, "That's a...

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A guy sees a sign outside a bar that says "come in! We have a magic ashtray that will grant one wish if you buy a pint"

He walks in to a swanky piano lounge which, interestingly, had a dwarf playing the piano.

He buys a pint and the bartender tells him to hold the ashtray and make his wish.

He squints and makes his wish. Suddenly a million ducks start swarming out from behind the bar and begin to cause ...

Two archers are sipping pints in a pub.

The first archer says, "Did you see the new leathersmith? He's a beast of a man with eyes as black as night."

To which the second archer replies, "Aye, he makes me quiver".

Sperm bank

A man and. woman are chatting in an elevator. "What are you up to today?" he asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20 a pint."
"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100 a tablespoon."
...

A man walks into a pub and orders three pints

A man walks into a pub alone and orders three pints. The barkeep looks at him oddly and tells him "You know a pint starts to go flat as soon as it's poured."

The man nods and replies "Of course, but me and my two college mates used to go out drinking together all the time. The last time befor...

Two Arabs are sitting in the Gaza Strip, enjoying a quiet pint of goat milk.

One takes out his wallet and starts flipping through his family pictures, "This is my oldest son. He's a martyr. This here is my second son. He's also a martyr!"


The second Arab nods, “They blow up so fast, don't they?"

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first asks the bartender for a pint, the second for half, the third for a quarter, and so on.

The bartender gives them two and says sort it out your self

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An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Frenchman walk into a bar...

they all sit down at the and order a beer. Just before their first sips, a fly lands in each of their respective beers.

The Frenchman pushes his beer back with his nose in the air and exclaims, "barkeep! This beer is spoiled, bring me a fresh one".

The Englishman plucks the fly...

Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong.

Vincent Van Gogh is having a pint…

His mate Gauguin walks in to the bar and says,
“ Hi Vinny, fancy a beer?”
Vincent says,
“ No thanks , I’ve got one ‘ere…”.

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The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:

**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**



And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes li...

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Two men are chatting over a pint

Bob turns to John and says, "You're looking down in the dumps, what's wrong?"
"It's the wife. Since she's started this high-powered job, she's cut our sex down to 3 times a week!"
"You're lucky" remarked Bob. "She's cut me out completely!"

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An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scot all walk into a bar-

-and all order a pint. Barman pours them and serves them up, one-two-three. In that moment, three little black flies all land, one each, in their pints.

The Englishman calls the barman over. “Pardon me, but could you pour me another?” He asks, indicating the fly.

The Irishman plucks th...

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A tough piece of back tarmac is having a pint at the bar.

The bartender notices a muscled red piece of tarmac enter the bar, and asks the black piece if he could take him in a fight.

'Of course mate, he's a fucking bus lane.'

A little while later, a blue piece of tarmac enters the bar. The bartender again asks if the black piece could beat hi...

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A German, a Frenchman, and a Irishman walk into a pub.

The pub was known for being a wee bit of a dive. Dirty, poor service, but the three men were poor and the drinks were always cheap. They welcomed themselves into the pub and sat at the bar.

Notoriously, the service was poor. The barkeep chatted with other bar patrons for a good long while bef...

2 slabs of concrete walk into a bar..

They sit down and start discussing how tough they are, until the barman asks what they want.

Concrete 1: I'll have a pint, and a shot of tequila, because I'm hard! I'm tough and can handle anything!

So the barman gets his drinks and asks the second.

Concrete 2: me? I'll have 2 p...

I text my wife tonight, "Honey, I'm going to stay in the bar another hour with my friends for another pint..."

"...if I'm not back in an hour then read this message again."

pint of guiness

On my last trip home I found myself in a pub in Edinburgh.
A group of American tourists came in. One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Scots think your great drinkers. I bet 5,000 pounds that no-one hear can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes." 
The bar was silent, the ...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a pint. Just then, a fly drops in each of their Guinness.

The Englishman says: "How dreadful. Barkeep, take this pint back at once, I couldn't possibly touch it, it has a fly in it!"

The Scotsman says: "Ach, it's nae so bad!" and flicks the fly out with the back of his hand and chugs his beer.

The Irishman gingerly picks up the fly by the win...

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The Saved Man and the Clairvoyant

DISCLAIMER: I'm pretty sure I had read this joke here before, but I was reminded of it today so I'm going to "pay homage" to it by doing my best recital of it. It's long.

A man walks into a pub, orders himself a pint, and sits at a small table in the corner by himself. He enjoys his beer for...

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Paddy and Seamus want to go for a pint of Guinness but...

They're skint.
They empty their pockets and pool what money they have between them, a total of £5.

"Ahh, feck... not even enough for one." laments Paddy.
Suddenly Seamus, looking across the road at the butcher's shop, gets an idea.
"Tell ya what Paddy.... give me the money and I'll ...

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A fella buys a talking centipede for £5,000

He takes it home in small box.

After 30 mins he opens the box and says "Would you like to go for a pint".

The centipede doesn't answer... Raising his voice he repeats the question, still no reply.

Getting angry, thinking he's been done, he shouts the question loudly.

At w...

A hot blonde girl walks up to a guy at the bar . . .

she says "Hey there gorgeous what are you drinking?"

He said"This? This is magic beer"

What do you mean magic beer?

Have a look at this - he takes a large gulp, walks up to a concrete wall and punches a hole in it

That's amazing said the girl, what else can it do?
...

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A woman walks into an ice cream parlour

A woman walks into an ice cream parlour and askes for a scoop of chocolate ice cream. "Im sorry, ma'am, but we're out of chocolate ice cream" "Ok. Then I guess I'll have a pint of chocolate ice cream." "Sorry. But we dont have any more chocolate ice cream." "Alright. Then can I have a quart of choco...

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Two Irishmen are sitting having a pint

when a Turf truck drives by. The first Irishmen says "When I win der lottery dats what I'm gonna do".
The second Irishmen says "Whats that, drive a truck"?
"No ya daft bastard, send my lawn away to be mowed"!

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

An Irish Man Walks Into A Bar...

...and stumbles to the bartender. “Barkeep, Oi’ll have a point”, he slurs.

The bartender looks him over critically. “A pint? Sorry sir, but I can’t serve you. You’re clearly too drunk.”

The Irish man scrunches his eyebrows, peers at the barkeep, turns around and trips out the front doo...

An Irishman walks into a bar...

An Irishman walks into a bar in New York City and orders three pints of beer. He drinks each one in turn, and walks out. The next night he returns, and again orders three pints of beer, and then again the next night. The bartender offers to serve them consecutively so they won’t go flat, but the ...

What do you call a nun who's drinking a pint?

Catholic

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Put to sleep

So this inquisitive pan-dimensional space monster is out on vacation and decides to check out this little dive bar on Earth (in Detroit) that had some decent reviews on Yelp.

In order to do so he had to first take on a suitable corporal form adhering to local biological esthetics and so he c...

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A recent study has found that beer contains female hormones.

A test group of 100 male volunteers each consumed six pints of beer, and the effect was that they all talked endlessly about nothing and couldn't drive for shit.

My dog becomes even more adorable after five pints of beer.

He starts stumbling everywhere and rolling around.

I used to work in a pub next to a hospital

and this guy walked in one day with his hospital gown on and holding a drip on a stand that was still connected to his veins. I asked him how I could help? and bizarrely he said can I have 2 pints of lager, 2 pints of Guinness, 4 jack Daniels and coke, 3 gin and tonics, and 6 shots of tequila. It’s ...

A radio wave walks into a bar and asks for a pint.

The barman says, "here you go, but why the long phase?"

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The Leprechaun Thief

I met a Leprechaun once, in a pub in Ireland. He was just minding his own business when I sat down on the stool next to him and ordered my drink.

"Your favourite Stout, please.", i said to the bartender. The Leprechaun turned his head and sized me up.

"You're a proper lad", he quipped....

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3 operating systems walk into a bar

The first says "I'm Windows. The most popular, everyone likes me and I don't mess about. I'll have a pint of lager."

The second says "I'm Mac OS. I'm the favourite of artists and hipsters, and I could never settle for a boring lager like Windows. Give me your hoppiest artisanal IPA!"

T...

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What do you get when you stick two Reese's Peanut Butter Cups together?

A Peanut Butter Pint.

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A man walks into an ice cream shop...

... and tells the clerk "I want a gallon of Vanilla ice cream, a gallon of Strawberry ice cream, and a gallon of Chocolate ice cream." The clerk replies, "I'm sorry sir, we don't have any Chocolate." "Ok then" the man continues "I want a quart of Vanilla ice cream, a quart of Strawberry ice cream, a...

A neutron walked into a bar...

A neutron walked into a bar and asked the barman how much for a pint.

the barman said “for you, no charge!”

I gave two pints of blood at the hospital.

You would think they'd appreciate it but they just started asking me questions like...
Who's blood is this, and how did you get it?

After finishing my pint really quickly, the barman told me to calm down.

I said, "You're telling me? You just drunk my pint!"

(OC) An Irishman

goes to the pub every evening to drink a few pints with his mates. One day he sits down and orders four glasses of champagne for everyone.

Barney wonders why so he asks, “Paddy, why the champagne? What are we celebratin’?”

“Nothing,” answers Paddy, “‘tis not a celebration, ‘‘tis med...

A man walks into a bar and orders 10 pints of lager followed by 12 shots of vodka

The barman then watches, amazed, as the bloke downs them one after the other. Recovering, the customer says:

'I shouldn't have done that with what I've got.'

'What have you got?' Asked the barman.

The customer looked at him guiltily. 'Oh, about two dollars.'

Penguin at the bar

A guy walks into a pub. He orders a pint at the bar and looks around the place. Suddenly, he noticed a penguin in a corner, reading a newspaper. The penguin then downs a pint next to him and leaves. The guy's so shocked he couldn't do anything. He runs to the bartender and goes:-What the hell was th...

A Chinese man walks into a pub in West Belfast.

He orders a pint of stout, drinks half of it and then goes to the toilet. He's no sooner gone than a bloke gets up out of his seat and goes up to the bar and farts in the Chinese man's Guinness. The Chinese man returns but the barman stops him from drinking telling him what had just happened. The Ch...

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If a centi-peed a pint, how much would a precipice piss?

A sheer drop.

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The penis case study

The americans made a research on why a man's dickhead was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000 they concluded that the reason was to give the man pleasure during sex.

The french weren't convinced by the americans study and made their own.After 3 years and $250,000 they concluded t...

An Irish man frees a genie

and happy to be released from his confinement, the genie grants him 3 wishes.

The Irishman thinks about it, and says "I want me a pint of Guinness that is never empty."

So *poof* a pint appears, filled to the rim with the rich brown drink. The man drinks it down, and when he places it...

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A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’ll bet you 10,000 dollars you can slide an empty pint down the table and I can piss it full to the top without spilling a drop before it stops…”

The bartender accepts the challenge and when tested the man fails miserably. He urinates all over the bar. The bartender jumps up and down and cheers as the man hands him ten thousand dollars in cash. Then the bartender notices a man crying in the corner and says “What’s his problem”
The first...

A man walks into a bar and asks for a pint and a Pork pie.

The barman gives him his pint, and a nice fresh pork pie. He drinks his pint, picks up his pork pie, puts it on the top of his head and walks out, carefully balancing it on his noggin.

About 10 minutes later, he returns and goes to the bar. Again, the man asks for a pint and a pork pie.
<...

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Pint of blood please....

A Vampire walks into a bar and asks for a pint of Blood. The Bartender explains that this is a regular bar and they only sell alcohol, so he offers the Vampire a whiskey instead.

Another vampire walks into the bar and asks for a pint of Blood. The bartender explains again that they dont sell ...

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Last night I was at the bar and this guy kept yelling "bastard" at his pint of beer.

It's never nice to witness substance abuse.

A Priest, a thief, a Jewish schoolboy and Irishman die in a car crash...

They stand before Saint Peter at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter looks at them and appears confused.
"My children" he says "There has been a mistake, you were not supposed to die today. I will allow you one more chance at life as long as you promise to love out the rest of your existence free o...

Paddy is about to go into the bar for a little refreshment when he hears someone yelling "Do not go into that house of sin!"

He turns around on the point of telling the interfering busybody to feck off, but he holds his tongue when he sees that it is a nun, and instead he lifts his hat politely and says "Why must I not go in there, holy sister?"

"Because," rages the nun, "it is the devil's brew that they are sellin...

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A pint

Paddy and Murphy fancy a pint but only have a euro between them.

Paddy goes off and buys a sausage, Murphy says "Are you mad? Now we'r skint!"

"Come on" says Paddy, "follow me". They go into the pub, order 2 pints and drink them before paying. Paddy shoves the sausage through the zi...

A duck walks into a bar after a long day of work on abuilding sight

He hops onto a barstool and asks the bartender for a club sandwich and a pint of Guinness , the bartender says "WOW! A talking duck" he is very surprised but gets him his sandwich and pint anyway


The next night the duck comes in and hops onto a barstool and asks the bartender for a club s...

Ah Paddy

Nick, an Englishman, Jock a Scotsman and Wee Paddy had emigrated to Australia some years ago.


One day they were sitting outside at a pub on the Sydney harbour enjoying a drink in the sunshine.


Nick says, you know this is a lovely country, but I really mi...

A tourist walks into a bar.

He asks for an Irishman named Seamus. The bartender points to an old man in the back, staring out the window and nursing a pint.

The tourist takes a seat next to Seamus. "Is it true, what they say about you?" He offers the old man a fresh pint.

Seamus smiles at the man, then curls back...

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