A shovel was a..

Ground breaking invention.

A father and his young son are walking deep in the woods at night with a lantern and a shovel

The son says, "Dad it's creepy out here, I'm scared"

The father replies, "You're scared? I'm the one who has to walk back alone!"

Come to think of it the invention of the shovel was pretty important...

Some would even say it was groundbreaking

A 17 year old boy walked into a bar with a shovel and a yellow hat

The bar tender said, “Sorry, but we don’t serve miners”

Why do shovels hate digging up metal?

Because of the irony

Sorry I guess you couldn’t handle the joke

I’m gonna dig up some more

I’ll spade you of any more puns

If you couldn’t sit through that you’re a tool

(Please don’t steel this joke it took me a long time to come up with it)

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

The shovel was a groundbreaking invention

But everyone was blown away by the leafblower.

Why was the shovel regarded as one of the most creative inventions?

Because it was ground breaking.

What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel, and a Labrador?????????????

A hot diggity Dog.

What do you call a man with a shovel?

Doug

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I like my shovels like I like my women..

I like my shovels like I like my women.

Sturdy. Dependable. Can help me bury a body.

Two miners walk out of the mine after a long day, one holding a shovel, the other a stick. One turns to the other and asks, “Wears your shovel?”

And the other responded, “Sure does.”

I was there when they invented the shovel

At the time, it was groundbreaking.

Shovels were a ground breaking invention...

But dumbbells were an uplifting one.

Today I learned about Harvey E. Brown, a civil war surgeon who had so many amputations he ran out of fake legs and had to use a shovel.

It was a ground-breaking medical procedure.

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The neighbor’s dog shit in our garden, so my wife told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence…

I don’t see what that solved.

Now we’ve got dog shit in our garden and the neighbors have our shovel…

I just realized that shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

*Ba-dum-tss*

I guess you could say that the invention of the shovel was really....

Ground-breaking

Have you heard of the new thing called a shovel?

It's groundbreaking.

My friend tried telling me shovels are useless.

But I truly believe it was a ground breaking invention.

Did you hear the department of transportation is laying off thousands of workers?

They invented a shovel that stands up by itself.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Paddy is about to get married and asks his best friend Murphy how can he tell if is wife to be is a virgin. "Tis easy Paddy, all you need is a small tin of red paint, a small to of blue paint and a shovel"says Murphy "How the feck does that work Murphy"? asks Paddy

"Well" says Murphy, "You paint one ball red and the other ball blue, and when you climb into bed naked and she says..


"Paddy, they're the strangest balls I've ever seen", you smack her with the shovel"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call someone who can shovel out horse shit faster than anyone?

A stable genius.

the invention of the shovel was ground breaking (short)

the invention of the shovel was ground breaking.
but the invention of the broom was the one that truly swept the nation.

- Scratch Farrell

Why did I need to bring a shovel on my first date?

Clearly the chloroform wasn't enough.

At what point does a spoon become a shovel?

When you're in prison

Two workers and a managerial looking guy are walking down a park path with a shovel.

Two workers and a managerial looking guy are walking down a park path with a shovel. Every 20 feet they stop, one worker digs a small hole in the ground, and the other one fills it back up, while the managerial dude watches on with a pencil and clipboard in hand.


A bored passerby watche...

Shovels are incredible

They're ground-breaking technology!

I tried to fix my shovel today,

but I just couldn’t handle it.

How do you confuse a blonde?

Hold up two shovels and say, "Take your pick."

I told my wife that it was her turn to shovel and salt the front steps.

All I got were Icy Stares.

A farmer walks onto a field, shovel in hand and starts digging long canals. The field groans and says to the farmer..

You're really irrigating me

What did one shovel say to the other during a recurring fight?

Can we just bury this?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow blower?

Give the bitch a shovel.

Just a broken shovel

After being away from his base for a while, the base commander returns and asks his deputy if anything important happened while he was away.

"A handle on a shovel broke", said the deputy.

The commander was slightly confused why he is being told such everyday things, but commented: "Wel...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese guy are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."

And to the Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies."

So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Florida highway maintenance crew

working on a road. All of a sudden, a worker grabs a shovel and beats the hell out of a turtle alongside the road.

"What the hell did you do that for?" cried one worker.

"Than son-of-a-bitch has been following us all day!"

So a guy walks into a bar and has a lemon for a head...

So a guy walks into a bar and has a lemon for a head... he sits down at the bar and the bartender says "WHOA! How did you get a lemon for a head?" The man replies "if you pour me free drinks all night, I'll tell you the story" the bartender agrees and starts to pour him a drink. The man starts to te...

Thorbeaux and Dreaux

I heard this somewhere else but really wanted to share

Thor and Dreaux were out one day under the hot summer sun digging a Ditch around an apple orchard, for their boss John. After a few hours of making the ditch, deaux turns to Thor and asks :
"Hey Thor, why are we here diggin a ditch and...

Shovels, Asses and Camels

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land." Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this ...

What has four legs, a tail and runs?

A cow in panty hose.

​

What has four legs, a tale and smells?

​

A cow with the runs

​

What has four legs, a tail and walks?

​

A cow batting 400

​

What has four legs, a tail an...

Digging a hole

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along b...

A penguin is driving through the desert

When his car starts to give him trouble. The lights start flashing and the dials go out of control, so he puts the car in neutral and rides it out to the nearest gas station.

He asks the gas station attendant "Can you fix my car? It's really no place for a penguin to be stuck in the deser...

A bus full of journalists is on its way to Mar-a-Lago.

The bus veers off the road and overturns. Emergency vehicles rush to the scene, only to find Trump with a shovel in his hand, and Stephen Miller on a bulldozer.

A paramedic asks " What happened to all the passengers ? "

Trump says " They were all dead, so we buried them ! "

...

I was out shoveling snow with my kid the other day...

He kept whining about why I wasn't using the shovel.

Last week I moved into a new suburb

My neighbour came over on the first day and borrowed a hammer so he could replace his white picket fence. I watched as he took the pickets off one by one until they were all off and then he stood there looking confused. I went over with a shovel and asked if he needed a hand. He said "no I'm alright...

Why Did Smokey Bear and his wife get a divorce?

Every time she got hot, he beat her with a shovel!

Staking a claim

In 1897 a young man set out for adventure from the frontier city of Seattle. He'd risked his entire life savings to make the trek to the Yukon to prospect for gold.

He started his journey full of excitement and hope. he'd purchased his 2,000lbs of gear and supplies and two fine stock horses t...

My family is like treasure.

You'll need a map and shovel to find them.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A judge asks a defendant to please stand.

"You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."


From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"


"Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
...

Dad: What has 4 legs and isn’t alive?

Me: You can’t fool me dad! Its a chair!

Dad: Not this time son. Get a shovel, the dog’s dead

I had to take my mother to hospital yesterday after a giant bee landed on her face

Thankfully it didn't actually sting her, I was too quick with the shovel

Lost in Translation

An Italian guy, a Mexican guy and a Chinese guy are hired to do some construction labor. The Foreman pulls them together and says, “I need you three to move this big pile of sand to the other side of the jobsite.”

He tells the Italian,”You’re in charge of shoveling the sand into the wheelbar...

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A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus...

...who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their row boat.

After a while Mick says, 'Do...

A cemetery superintendent was hoping to approve newly donated lands for internment

The Holy Cross Cemetery had received a surprise donation that would double the real estate of their current holdings, which were already overcrowded.

The lead undertaker, Arthur Falconer, was tasked by the superintendent with surveying the new land to plan how to layout the new headstones....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

While everyone is arguing over whether it's called a snow blower or a snow thrower, I invented a way to turn a dishwasher into snow removal device.

...
I bought my wife a snow shovel.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man rides through the desert on the back of a camel

After days of travel he starts to get horny and extremely pent up. So he gets the thought: "Might as well do it with my camel".
With that goal in mind, he grabs a shovel and starts piling up sand behind the camel so he could reach it, but every time he got on top of the pile, the camel walked out...

My city just fired half of the city's construction workers...

Apparently they realized a shovel can stand-up on it's own.

The American dream:

To buy a shovel for 2$, to then sell it for 4$. Then you buy two shovels, and sell those for 8$. Then one of your rich uncles dies and you inherit 1,000,000$

My dad told me this one

How do you confuse a Polish labourer?

Lay down an axe and a shovel and tell him to take his pick.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is sitting on his favorite bench in the park, watching kids play and couples stroll by hand in hand, all in all a nice morning.

After a while, he notices two men in the distance, each carrying a shovel. The first one digs a big hole, goes six feet forward, and digs the next. The second one waits about two minutes, and fills the holes again behind his buddy.

This goes on until they have dug and filled ten holes, after ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Is she a virgin?

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin. The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a Do-It-Yourself Shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel. Paddy asked, “And what do I do with these, Doc?" The doctor replied, “Be...

Why a man doesn't drink milk

A man was out in his garden one day, an activity he enjoys daily. He likes growing different plants like flowers and vegetables, and he's gotten very good at it. He recently learned that ants can aerate and help water travel through the soil, so he had recently placed a few colonies of ants througho...

In the list of groundbreaking inventions

No one ever mentions shovels.

I can't stop my dog from digging in the garden.

I guess in the end I'll have to take the shovel from him.

A white guy, a black guy, and a Chinese guy go to work at a coal mine.

When they arrive the manager assigns each of them a task. The white guy, Frank, is in charge of digging. The black guy, Jamaal, is in charge of transportation. The Chinese guy, Wong, is in charge of supplies.

They get to work and everything is going smoothly. Frank is digging up the coal at...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The tale of Paul and Old Joe

There once was a man named Paul who, after some trouble with the law, found himself homeless behind a fast food joint just outside of Wichita, Kansas. He stayed there for a few days, drinking from the bathroom sinks and eating scraps from the trash, when an old rancher named Joe found him and took p...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The fight

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
Looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
His face is cut and bruised and he's walking
With a limp
" What happened to you?" asks Sean, the
Bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fig...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I cannot believe all the people being charged with sexually abusing minors. Can’t the minors defend themselves?

After all, They have shovels and pickaxes. Can’t they use those in self defense?

I got fired from PC World today.

A guy came in the store and asked me what was the best thing for finding your ancestors.


“Probably a shovel” was not the right answer.

My ex girlfriend was an absolute treasure

I say this because just like treasure, you'll probably need a map and a shovel to find her

What’s better than swinging a dead baby in circles around your head on a 5 ft rope?

stopping it with a shovel.

We have to bury my dog today.

Mom: Don't be sad. All dogs go to heaven.
Me: Thanks mom. Where does updog go?
Mom: What's up dog?
Me: Not much dog. Just looking for a shovel.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The tale of Louise.

Once upon a time there was a 7-year-old girl named Louise. Now from a young age Louise had always had an interest in science. Someday she wanted to be an astronaut, to pilot a spaceship, and to explore alien worlds, but she didn't have time for any of those things. You see, Louise's family owned thi...

A farmer is outside tending his sheep

When a car driving by loses control and drives right in to the end of the farmers fence ripping the post out of the ground. The driver sees the farmer running over so he gets out of his car and yells "I'm okay I'm okay!"

The farmer says "I don't care about you! You just destroyed my whole fe...

Do you know how to confuse a coal miner?

Show him a row of shovels and tell him to take his pick.

Little Nancy, 8, was filling a hole in her garden when

the nosey neighbor peered over the fence, and asked "What are you doing?"

Nancy replied, "Well my goldfish dies so I just buried him"

The obnoxious neighbor laughed and said in a condescending tone, "That is an awful big hole for a tiny gold fish"

As Nancy used her shovel to pat...

Just turned my dish washer into a snow blower!

I gave my wife a shovel

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two dumb workers were digging a hole...

There were two dumb workers digging in a sweltering hot hole on a sweltering hot day. One of these dumb workers looked at the other and said "Sure would be nice to be in the Air Conditioned office with the boss." The other worker replied, "I'm gonna go ask him why we're digging in this sweltering ho...

Don't forget your trowel

Wait.. It's towel? Wtf have I been carrying this little shovel around for then?

A boy with swollen cheek.

Mom looks at her son and asks "What happened Timmy?".
Tim replies "A fly landed on my face in the garden.".
"Did it bite you?" asks mom.
"No, dad killed it with a shovel." says Tim.

I just summarized the jokes I liked best in a recent Askreddit thread. Have fun!

I hope that's fitting in the Subreddit. If not, leave a downvote please.

-Remains to be seen if glass coffins become popular.

-I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings - its a complex complex complex.

-I have an L shaped couch... Lower case.

-I asked my North Korean f...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mushrooms

A man walks into a bar and sits down.

The bartender asks "What'll it be?"

Man says "Whiskey... leave the bottle."

"You got it, everything alright?"

"I just became a widower for the 3rd time"

"Oh god, pal! I'm so sorry! You seem so young, can I ask what happened?"...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Irishmen were digging a ditch directly across from a brothel.

Suddenly, they saw a rabbi walk up to the front door, glance around and duck inside. 'Ah, will you look at that?' One ditch digger said. 'What's our world comin' to when men of th' cloth are visitin' such places?' 

A short time later, a Protestant minister walked up to the door and quietly sl...

Graveyards are great places to get laid

Especially if you have a shovel and a “can do” attitude!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So, these 3 brothers buy a donkey for their farm...

After just 3 days of working, the donkey dies. The youngest brother decides to bury the donkey in the nearby forest. He brings his shovel, grabs the donkey and goes out. On his way to the forest he remembers that there is a very deep lake somewhere around. After a few hours of searching he finds the...