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Shovel Jokes

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Shoveling Shite

GRANDSON: Grandpa how come your hands are so rough and have so many scars?

GRANDPA: Since I was a boy I worked 15 hours a day in Arizona digging in the Grand Mountains. We worked 15 hours a day for 50 years. There were thousands of us.

GRANDSON Grandpa, it is the Grand CANYON that is i...

The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking,

but the invention of the broom swept the nation.

Did you know that the invention of the shovel was...

Ground breaking.

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Our neighbour's dog crapped in our garden, so my wife asked me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.

I don't know what that solved. We still have dog shit in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.

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A boy in Brooklyn is outside of a candy shop shoveling candy in his mouth. A man approaches the boy and says, "Don't eat candy, kid. It's not good for you."

The boy replied, "My grandfather lived until he was 97."

-

"Really," said the man. "Did he eat a lot of candy, too?"

-

The boy replied, "No, but he minded his own fucking business."

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An American and a Russian die and go to Hell... (Long)

They are met at the gates by Satan, who offers them a choice: They can either go to American Hell or Russian Hell.

Both new arrivals are curious as to what the difference is, so Satan explains that in American Hell you are free to do whatever you want; you'll find that we have all the finest...

What did the shovel say to the white bucket?

You look a bit pail today.

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

Have you heard of the new thing called a shovel?

It's groundbreaking.

A father and his son are walking deep in the woods at night with a lantern and a shovel.

The son says, "Dad, it's creepy out here, I'm scared".

The father replies, "You're scared? I'm the one who has to walk back alone!"

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Is she a virgin?

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin. The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a Do-It-Yourself Shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel. Paddy asked, “And what do I do with these, Doc?" The doctor replied, “Be...

what do you call a man with a shovel?

Doug

What do you call a man without a shovel?

Douglas

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An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese man are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the large, muscular, Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

To the slightly less muscular but still large Italian man, he says, "You're in charge of sweeping."

And to the skinny Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of...

Sometimes I find myself just marveling at shovels.

What a groundbreaking invention.

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A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found…

A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish and a Star of David on the wall.

Pointing to the first drawing,
the head of the team declared: “This indicates these people were family oriented and held women...

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Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a shovel." A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a shovel." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking bastard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger an...

I hate flat edged shovels

They have no point

Shovels were a ground breaking invention...

But dumbbells were an uplifting one.

When the shovel was invented...

It was a groundbreaking piece of technology.

The shovel was a groundbreaking invention

But everyone was blown away by the leafblower.

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The man’s wife left him

Upset, he went for a drive and suddenly ran over a cop and crushed him to death.
Not knowing what else to do, he threw the cop in the trunk and drove to the cemetery.
When he got there, he came across a drunken watchman.
"Listen, if you bury this body with no questions asked, I'l...

My ex girlfriend was an absolute treasure

I say this because just like treasure, you'll probably need a map and a shovel to find her

What did everyone say when the shovel was invented?

Wow that's a groundbreaking idea!

Did you hear about the shovel joke?

I don’t know about you, but I dig it.

Did you know that the shovel was a revolutionary invention?

Some would even call it groundbreaking.

the invention of the shovel was ground breaking (short)

the invention of the shovel was ground breaking.
but the invention of the broom was the one that truly swept the nation.

- Scratch Farrell

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks…

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving ...

A white guy, a black guy, and a Chinese guy go to work at a coal mine.

When they arrive the manager assigns each of them a task. The white guy, Frank, is in charge of digging. The black guy, Jamaal, is in charge of transportation. The Chinese guy, Wong, is in charge of supplies.

They get to work and everything is going smoothly. Frank is digging up the coal at...

What do you call a woman who has a duster in one hand, a brush in the other, a shovel on one foot and a spade on the other foot

A Swiss army wife.

I just realized that shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

*Ba-dum-tss*

If you are debating whether or not to shovel your neighbor's driveway...

Ask yourself, "would they do the same for me?"

If the answer is no, do it anyways out of the kindness of your heart.

If the answer is yes, go back inside.

Shovels are incredible

They're ground-breaking technology!

"Shoveling snow is great exercise"

\- Satan

Son was playing on the beach, making a sand castle with a plastic bucket and shovel.

Hey son, I think your bucket is getting sick. It's starting to look a little pail.

My wife got angry at me because I was drunkenly shoveling the driveway when she got home.

I don't get it. I told her I'd stop drinking this winter, with snow exceptions.

I saw a man shovelling horse poo off the road, into a bag

So I stopped and asked him why.

He told me he was taking it home, to put on his rhubarb.

Fair enough, but I prefer custard

My friend tried telling me shovels are useless.

But I truly believe it was a ground breaking invention.

I guess you could say that the invention of the shovel was really....

Ground-breaking

I was out shoveling snow with my kid the other day...

He kept whining about why I wasn't using the shovel.

Shovels, Asses and Camels

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land." Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this ...

Why do shovels hate digging up metal?

Because of the irony

Sorry I guess you couldn’t handle the joke

I’m gonna dig up some more

I’ll spade you of any more puns

If you couldn’t sit through that you’re a tool

(Please don’t steel this joke it took me a long time to come up with it (credit to u/ImToastedB...

I'll never forget my first day working with my brother and my dad. My brother put his shovel in the dirt and my dad stepped in and said "You're doing it all wrong, you gotta let the tool do the work."

Then he handed the shovel to me.

What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua?

A hot, diggety dog.

I tried to fix my shovel today,

but I just couldn’t handle it.

My plan was to skip shoveling and just let the snow melt.

It wasnt well thawed out.

There's shop in the mall selling ice picks, knives, leather gloves, shovels, brass knuckles, ropes, and women's stockings

It was called "Accessories To The Crime"

Did you hear about the guy who lost his shovel?

His name was Douglas

Why did I need to bring a shovel on my first date?

Clearly the chloroform wasn't enough.

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Expat moving to Canada.

August 12,
We moved into our new house in Canada. I'm so excited. It's so nice. The mountains are beautiful. I cannot wait to see them covered with the snow.

October 14,
Canada. It is the most beautiful country in the world. Leaves turned all colors and shades of yellow and orange. I dr...

An archaeologist was in Jerusalem when he discovered a slab of rock with five figures on it: the Star of David, an ox, a shovel, an owl, and a woman.

"This is really fascinating," said the archaeologist. "This tells me a lot about ancient Hebrew culture. The Star of David tells me, of course, that they were a very religious people. The ox tells me that they used domesticated animals, such as oxen, to plow the fields. The shovel tells me that they...

Just a broken shovel

After being away from his base for a while, the base commander returns and asks his deputy if anything important happened while he was away.

"A handle on a shovel broke", said the deputy.

The commander was slightly confused why he is being told such everyday things, but commented: "Wel...

When engineers made the shovel, a reporter asked many people about the contraption...

One of them said, “Wow! What a Ground-breaking discovery! I could dig it!

A man buys a paint factory in a small town.

He visits the local volunteer fire department to see for himself if they'd be able to handle a fire at his plant. What he finds convinces him they could not...the whole fire department consists of one old pumper truck and a bunch of volunteers he finds less than reliable. He tells them "Boys, I'm so...

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What do you call someone who can shovel out horse shit faster than anyone?

A stable genius.

I told my wife that it was her turn to shovel and salt the front steps.

All I got were Icy Stares.

Two workers and a managerial looking guy are walking down a park path with a shovel.

Two workers and a managerial looking guy are walking down a park path with a shovel. Every 20 feet they stop, one worker digs a small hole in the ground, and the other one fills it back up, while the managerial dude watches on with a pencil and clipboard in hand.


A bored passerby watche...

My family is like a treasure to me…

You need a shovel and a map to find them

What did one shovel say to the other during a recurring fight?

Can we just bury this?

How do you catch a polar bear with a shovel and a can of peas?

Dig a hole in the ice. Put peas all around the hole and wait.

When the polar bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the icehole.

The American dream:

To buy a shovel for 2$, to then sell it for 4$. Then you buy two shovels, and sell those for 8$. Then one of your rich uncles dies and you inherit 1,000,000$

My dad told me this one

If you bury a person in the wrong plot of land, and the only thing you can give their family as compensation are the hand shovels you used...

you've made a grave mistake, and are paying for it in spades

Do you know how to confuse a coal miner?

Show him a row of shovels and tell him to take his pick.

Today I learned about Harvey E. Brown, a civil war surgeon who had so many amputations he ran out of fake legs and had to use a shovel.

It was a ground-breaking medical procedure.

Dad: What has 4 legs and isn’t alive?

Me: You can’t fool me dad! Its a chair!

Dad: Not this time son. Get a shovel, the dog’s dead

I had to take my brother to the hospital after a hornet landed on his face and it swelled up massively.

It didn't sting him, or anything. I was just a little too late with the shovel...

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An Observant Farmer, And A Protective Father

One day, Farmer John was tilling his outer most field. The mid-day sun was beating down something fierce, so he decided to shut down his tractor and take a break. Just as he's getting off his tractor to head up to the house for a glass of water, he notices his eldest daughter, Lily, run into his bar...

My grandpa died yesterday. Here's one of my favorite jokes he told. What are your favorite grandpa jokes?

Old Ms.Robinson went out into her backyard to do some gardening when she heard some noise coming from the yard next door. She peered over the fence and saw that her neighbour's little daughter was digging a hole. "Sally what are you doing with that shovel?" asked Ms.Robinson. "My goldfish died, s...

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the Contractor and the Nun...

A Catholic School was expanding its buildings, new basketball courts, the works! the winning contractor shows up a day before construction was to begin, the head Nun was talking with him and said she was going to bring all the kids out to watch parts of the work being done.
Contractor: Sister,...

The shovel is a ground breaking invention, but it was the invention of the broom that truly swept the nation by storm. However, the invention of the wheel got things rolling...

And I’m just here wondering why our feet smell and our nose run...

I got fired from PC World today.

A guy came in the store and asked me what was the best thing for finding your ancestors.


“Probably a shovel” was not the right answer.

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When are all of you people going to understand that the government...

AND companies like Bridgestone, Windsor Salt and Big Shovel are BRAINWASHING you into believing that winter and snow is real thing. It is completely FALSE and made up to KEEP us pinned down in our houses during the winters. I for one am SICK AND TIRED of being told that I need to shovel my driveway ...

Did you hear the department of transportation is laying off thousands of workers?

They invented a shovel that stands up by itself.

A judge asks a defendant to stand...

"You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out of the audience a man shouts "You lying maggot!"

"Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You...

True story. Chicago-area preschool teacher teaching remotely today because of the storms. Her dogs started barking like crazy, interrupting the Zoom. She looked out her window and told/apologized to the class that the shovelers were there. 4 year old classmate replies,

“Wow, your shovelers sound like dogs!”

Been laughing at that one all day.

Mosquito bites nowadays can cause concussion

yesterday, one of them bit my friend in his head, but fortunately I was able to kill it with a shovel

I just learned my Great Great Uncle George was in the Navy.

They gave him a burial at sea but it was really difficult because the water kept falling out of the shovel.

A farmer walks onto a field, shovel in hand and starts digging long canals. The field groans and says to the farmer..

You're really irrigating me

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