A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

A man dies and finds himself in front of God. He sees Jesus sitting at his right hand and a janitor with a mop sitting to his left.

“Who are you?” the man asks the janitor.



“I’m Cleanliness.”

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."

I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

A cop tells his sergeant, "Wow, a woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped"

"Oh, so you have arrested her then?" The sergeant asked.

"No, not yet. The floor is still wet."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife was in the height of labour. Screaming in agony as I mopped her brow. She turned to me and grabbed my hand. Her face scrunched up and staring deep into my eyes, she let out a hiss and shouted, "THIS IS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT!!"

I smiled and calmly replied, "Well if you remember rightly, I wanted to do you up the arse but you said it'd be too painful"

My wife said, “I’ve never seen you mop or vacuum in my life!”

I said, “Floors are beneath me.”

On my Bucket list:

1. Pail
2. Mop Bucket
3. Ice Bucket
4. Car Washing Bucket
5. Climb Mt. Everest
6. Livestock Bucket

The Mop Bucket

A drunk gets up from the bar to take a leak.
A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming a...

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

Smell mop

A skeleton walks into a bar...

“I’ll have a beer and a mop, please”

“Mop?”

“Yeah, it’s running right through me today”

A skeleton goes into a bar and the bartender asks,"What"ll it be Bones?"

The skeleton replies,"Two beers and a mop."

HAPPY HALLOWEEN ALL

Knock knock....

You: Who's there?
Me: I eat mop.
You: I eat mop who?

Me: Gross.

I got into a one-sided fight with a mop

Wiped the floor with it.

An interview with a vampire

An interview with a vampire.

Interviewer: Voad, You have been living for the last 5000 years, in almost every country on the planet. You have seen rulers come and go, empires rise and fall. Please, tell me what you have done to occupy yourself during this time.

Voad: Well, I have tak...

I was mopping and my boss asked why the floors were all covered in water

"Just gettin' her wet first. You know, a little floor-play"

What's the difference between an Art major and a guy who mops bathrooms at KFC?

One has a job.

I'm a middle aged man. I have many friends on Facebook. Some of them are women. I spend quite a bit of time chatting with them. Life is good!

Joyce is one of them.. Very hot, around 30-35 years old. When I'm chatting with her, I lose all sense of time.

One day she tells me "My husband's going out of town on business this Sunday. Why don't you come over? I'll be alone in the house :-)"

"What if he comes back while I'm there?"...

A police officer radioed the station for backup

Officer: Looks like that domestic disturbance is a homicide, old lady murdered her husband for tracking dirt on a floor she just mopped.

Dispatch: have you arrested her?

Officer: Not yet. The floor isn't dry.

A policeman is speaking in court...

Lawyer: “So the defendant shot and killed her husband for stepping on the freshly mopped floor?”
Officer: “Yes, that is correct.”
Lawyer: “And it took you an hour to arrest her in the home? Why?”
Officer: “The floor was still wet.”

[OC] A programmer walks into a coffee shop

A programmer walks into a coffee shop on his lunch break with his pet, a black Labrador. He comes in with a scowl on his face and a furrowed brow, his expression showing a frustrated yet pensieve look about him. He asks for a plain, black coffee.

The barista compassionately eyed the man fo...

The cleaning lady refused to mop or sweep

"Floors are beneath me" she explained.

A young man walks into a record store and asks the clerk, “Do you have anything by the Doors?”

“Sure,” replies the clerk, “a mop bucket and a fire extinguisher.”

My daughter asked for a Cinderella themed birthday party...

So I made her and friends mop the floor and do the dishes.

A terrible knock knock joke

Knock knock.
Who's there?
I eat mop.
I eat mop who?
Haha you eat your poo!

(Source: me in 3rd grade)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said she's leaving me because I "can't do anything right when it comes to housework. "

Selfish bitch, it took me hours to mop that carpet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Probably the grossest joke I've ever heard.

late one evening a guy is closing up the restaurant he works at. He's sweeping floors and wiping tables, when there's a knock at the door. He opens the door and standing there is the filthiest bum he's ever seen. The bum says, "say fella, could you give me a fork?" Well the guy figures, what the hel...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Work or Play?

Guarantee this is a repost because it still makes me laugh to this day.

A general, major, and lieutenant were arguing in the command tent while having drinks about whether sex was work or play.
General: "25% play, 75% work"
Major: "50/50"
Lietenant: "75% play, 25% work"

They g...

My first job out of high school was delivering fish...

I used to stand in the river, mopping the fish's head, and just comfortingly saying, "Deep breath, now push, push again, you're almost there..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sailor on a Navy ship...

A sailor on a Navy ship had been out to sea for weeks, and was beginning to go through sex withdrawals. Fed up with the lack of sex, he asked one of his shipmates what he did when the pressure was too much to take. 

"Well, there's a barrel with a hole in it near the mop storage. When it gets ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a speech impediment has some errands to run,

He walks in the grocery store and asks the clerk, "Where are your butts?"

Clerk: "My what?"

Man: "You know, the things you put hot dogs in?"

Clerk: "Oh you mean buns! They're over here."

Next the man heads to the hardware store. He walks up to the clerk and says, "Where c...

Police officer calls his sergeant

Police Officer: Hey Sgt. We are at a murder scene where wife stabbed her husband 10 times because he walked into the kitchen while she was mopping.

Sgt: Is suspect in custody!

Police Officer: No sir, the floor is still wet!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little green man

An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter. As he's drinking one drink and the green man
is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says,

"Hey, what's ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Young Man

Has dreams of being a sailor but has no formal education. One day a magnificent ship docks at the harbour and the man rushes to the first mate.

"Please sir, I wish to become a sailor. I have no skills or experience but I'm the most honest, trustworthy man you'll ever meet!"

The first ...

A man is sobbing into his beer...

It being a slow night, the bartender asks him what's wrong and offers him some sympathy.

The man responds "My roommate says I should quit drinking, last night I came home and I blew chunks all over the living room."

"Harsh," the bartender replies, "But that's hardly a reason to quit dr...

Three moles dig their way to IHOP

The first mole pops his head out, sniffs around, and says, "mmm I smell pancakes!"
The second moles pops his head out, sniffs around, and says, "mmmm I smell coffee!"
The third mops his head out, sniffs around, and says, "all I smell is molasses.."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This Custodian’s Cleaning Method Leaves These Girls Rethinking Lipstick

According to a new report, a certain private school in Chicago, IL was faced with a unique problem.


A number of 12th grade girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. Applying and wearing the lipstick was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would ...

How does Kurt Cobain collect his thoughts?

With a mop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Private Snafu joins the army.

Always last in line for mess, roll or runs, he was also last in line when they passed out equipment. When he gets to the guy handing out guns, the box is empty.
"What the hell am I supposed to do without a gun?!" Snafu asks.
The warren officer thinks for a second. Picking up a mop, he begins ...

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When ...

Short Dad Joke

These kind of jokes always make me laugh a little, if you don't get it at first.. think about it!

"A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde walks into a bar...

and asks the bartender to lineup 7 shots. He does, and then the blonde takes the 1st shot and dumps it on the floor. Then the blonde picks up the last shot, and does the same. The bartender, peeved that he has to mop it up, asks indignantly, "What the hell?! Why did you do that?" The blonde replies,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man Gets Really Drunk

A man gets really drunk at a bar and asks the bartender for the bathroom. The bartender points to the bathroom and the man complains about having to take a serious shit and runs towards it.

A few minutes later the man screams in agony, stops, then screams again. The bartender goes to check ...

A policeman on patrol calls his fellow cop on the station...

COP 1: Hey, I got a weird case over here


COP 2: What is it buddy?


COP 1: Im here at the front porch of an elderly couple's house


COP 2: So?


COP 1: Someone called me to go to this house because they heard shouting and stuff. And you wouldn't believe what ha...

How do witches fly in the rain?

With a mop.

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