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Ukraine Jokes

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The nun and the Russian soldier.

A soldier ran up to a nun.

Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt, I'll explain later.”

The nun agreed.

A moment later two military police ran up and asked:

“Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After ...

jokes about the war in Ukraine I heard in Romania

Putin dies and goes to hell, but a few years later he gets permission to leave hell and to visit Moscow for a day -

Goes to a pub in Moscow, orders a few drinks and asks the bartender:

Crimea is still ours ? - Yes, bartender says

Donbas is still ours ? - Yes, ours

Is Kiev...

Remember when Putin said he didn't have any plans to invade Ukraine?

I'm starting to think he was telling the truth.

did you know that Ukraine has no Walmarts?

only targets.

What do you call a Russian tank brigade returning from Ukraine?

An infantry platoon.

A battalion of Russian soldiers were marching through Ukraine..

From behind a huge pile of rubble they hear a faint yell.

"One Ukrainian soldier can kill 10 Russian soldiers!"

The Russian colonel laughs, then sends 10 of his soldiers over the pile. After a short battle and the ensuing silence, another yell:

"One Ukrainian soldier can take ou...

Calling a friend in Ukraine

“Hi, what is going on ?:”

“Well, Russia is in war with NATO here.”

“And how does it look like ?”

“Russia lost a missile cruiser, over 600 tanks, 25000 soldiers.”

“And NATO ?”

“Did not arrive yet.”

Why are the Russian forces in Ukraine using the symbol "Z"?

Because the other half of the swastika fell off due to poor Russian maintenance.

March 2023, one year into the Ukraine war

A scowling man said to himself as he walked: No hamburgers, no coffee, not even toiletries...

At this time, police in plainclothes came over and whispered to him: I warn you, if you slander great Russia under Putin's leadership like this, I will hit you with a pistol on the head!

The...

Did you hear about the update to firearm ownership laws in Ukraine?

You can have anything you want, as long as it points at Moscow

Two young Russian conscripts in Ukraine approach a platoon of Ukranian fighters to surrender.

They approach with their hands in the air, and their weapons holstered.

"We come to surrender. Our truck is out of fuel and broken down. The rest of our troops are miles away, and none of the gas trucks or repair technicians will be available for days. We are stranded."

The Ukrainian f...

According to a survey 64% of Americans couldn't locate Ukraine on a world map.

The other 36% said, "What's a world map?"

What’s Ukraine’s biggest import?

The Russian military.

Ukraine has announced plans to open Chernobyl as a theme park.

They say ”Its just like Disneyland.” Except the 6-foot mouse is real.

A Russian man is called up to fight in Ukraine...

"Ivan, you've been mobilized, report to the front line"

"But I haven't got any legs?!"

"That's fine, it's a partial mobilization'

Russians are sending peacekeepers into Ukraine.

They're saying, " You see this piece of land? We're keeping it."

- Jimmy Carr

What's the difference between Ukraine and Russia?

Ukraine's president is a comedian.

Russia's president is a clown.

A Russian citizen is crossing the border into Ukraine and hands his passport to the customs officer.

The customs officer asks: "Name?"
The Russian replies: "Vladimir Krylov"
The customs officer continues: "Occupation?"
The Russian replies: "Not yet, just visiting."

A Large Russian Division was doing Scouting Recon in Ukraine

From over the Hill they heard a Man Shouting . "One Ukrainian Soldier can Defeat 10 Russian Soldiers " . The General Stopped & Sent 10 Russian Soldiers over the Hill . 5 Minutes of Gunfire was heard & then Silence . Couple of minutes Later they heard "One Ukrainian Soldier can Defeat 100 Ru...

how do you stop a Russian tank from advancing on Ukraine?

Shoot the Russian troops pushing it.

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Ukraine has a new policy on gays signing up for military service.

Donetsk, Dontell.

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A black man from the USA, 200 cm tall, enters a coffee shop in Ukraine.

He sits down and orders a whiskey. An Ukrainian, 210 cm tall, enters the tavern, sits across the American and orders vodka.

The American, wanting to look superior, takes his whiskey and drinks it all at once.

So then the Ukrainian wanted to show that he can do it too, so he takes his v...

Russian army was thought to be the second best army in the world...

... It turns out it's only the second best army in Ukraine.

How does Russia knows that Ukraine has "dirty" bombs?

Because they stole all of their washing machines.

A General was dispatched to the Kremlin I order to give Putin an update on the situation in Ukraine.

When he got there, he was met at the door by a Marshall, who pulled him aside and whispered “The President is a very busy man, and he only has the time for a single word from you, so think it over, and choose your word wisely!”

So the general mulled it over, as he nervously awaited his call. ...

Putin is having a meeting in the Kremlin with his generals on the war in Ukraine.

When the meeting concludes, Sergei Shoigu, Minister of Defense is the first one to step out. As he does so, he mutters under his breath, "wily little prick". However, he is heard by Putin's secretary who immediately reports to his boss. Putin orders Shoigu to be brought back.

When he's back i...

President Zelinski has come out with a plan to get the Russian Army out of Ukraine in 24 hours

It’s called operation “give them a full tank of gas”

Ukrainian Peasant finds a Genie in a Bottle

A Ukrainian peasant finds a genie in a bottle. The genie offers him three wishes. He’s a stupid peasant but he knows what he likes.

The peasant says, “I want the Chinese to invade Ukraine from the east and then go back to China.”

So it happens and the Chinese army invaded Ukraine from ...

Vladimir Putin suffers a heart attack amidst the Ukraine crisis, and falls into a coma...

... A few years later, he wakes up, gets back on his feet and walks out of his room, right past the sleeping guard.

He walks out of the hospital onto the streets of Moscow, and finds that most people don't recognize him. Several years of vegetative coma seem to have taken its toll on his appe...

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a joke we tell in Ukraine

A russian, a Ukrainian and an African American guys are sitting in the waiting room while their wives give birth.


The nurse comes out with 3 babies and says "sorry guys, they've got mixed up..let's see whose is whose".
The Ukrainian takes a black kid and runs.
They yell "hold on dud...

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putin walks into a meeting with all his top generals and demands "How is my special operation against Ukraine and NATO Nazis going!?"

The generals all look at each other nervously

"Well...." demands putin "tell me now!!"

The top general stands and says "Well we have been fighting for 4 weeks. We have lost over 15,000 brave soldiers, 6 generals, over 500 tanks and fighting vehicles, 3 ships, 100 planes and drones and ...

Putin's inner circle is trying to hide the news that the war isn't going well in parts of Ukraine from him...

They have a very strict Donetsk-don't-tell policy.

Did you hear about the Russian wolf that wandered into Ukraine and got in a trap?

It chewed off three of it's legs and was still caught in the trap.

Why isn’t Vladimir leaving Ukraine?

Because his name is Vladimir Putin. Not Vladimir Pullout

What did Czechia have to say about Russian losses in Ukraine?

"Czechmate Russia".

It’s great that Turkey is providing heavy armoured vehicles to Ukraine.

Everyone loves tanks giving turkey.

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A traditional piece of 20th century Jewish humour from Odesa, Ukraine

Early in the morning at the Pryvoz market, Benya meets Izya with a suitcase and three rubles in his hand. Benya asks, "Izya, where are you headed?"
Izya replies, "Ah, Benya, I'm going to the port. Finally decided to go to America, gonna buy some cable!"
"Well, good luck!" Benya responds, while...

Putin visits Ukraine

Immigration officer says: "Name?". - "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".

"Address?" - "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".

"Occupation?" - "Probably next year".

King Charles has announced that he will be sending his best two Helicopter pilots to Ukraine for the war.

Their names are Andrew and Harry

Which country is the largest supplier of arms to Ukraine?

Russia

Poland has stepped up in support of Ukraine

they’ve stationed 10,000 troops on their border with France.

President Joe Biden was advised that he needed to assemble a new cabinet to deal with the Russia / Ukraine conflict

Coming back from IKEA, he realised he had greatly misunderstood the task given to him

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A joke from Ukraine

The train suddenly turns off the rails and goes through the village, then through the cornfield and finally comes back to the rails. When it arrives, the passengers ask:
What the hell has happened?

There was a man shitting on the rails.

You should've smashed him.

We have smas...

My mate just watched the Chernobyl documentary and, having grown up in Ukraine in the 1980s, he was pretty mad.

And I get it, too. He counted at least eight historical inaccuracies on one hand.

Just been speaking to a mate of mine, he's just seen the Chernobyl documentary.

He actually grew up in Ukraine in the 1980's and was able to count at least 11 historical inaccuracies on one hand.

My favorite thing about Vladimir Putin...

... is that he has managed to take Russia's military from being the second most powerful in the world *allllllll* the way to being the second most powerful in Ukraine.

2021 - Russian Military is the 2nd strongest in the world

2022 - Russian Military is the 2nd strongest in Ukraine
2023 - Russian Military is the 2nd strongest in Russia

It looks like the Russian Military is aiming for a record-breaking streak as the world's best 'second place'!

Russia has destroyed at least 21 HIMARS in Ukraine, based on past official reports

Ukraine has only 16 HIMARS in total.

This war in Ukraine has me on edge. Yesterday I thought I heard a Russian plane fly over my house.

It was just an Illyushin

Before the Russian invasion of Ukraine. The Kremlin decides to try and intimidate Ukraine.

Before the Russian invasion of Ukraine.
The Kremlin decides to try and intimidate Ukraine.

They send a few truckloads of wheat with the note: "That's how many of us are coming!"

A few days later the trucks return full of flour with the note: "And this is how they will be sent back t...

There's a simple solution to Ukraine crisis!

Send in Canadian troops!

I've heard they like to make a meal of Poutine!

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The Russians are getting so low on guns in the Ukraine invasion that Ivan was given a broomstick with a banana tied to it instead.

What am I supposed to do with this he asked his CO? Don't be ungrateful for what glorious Mother Russia has given you he answered, just point it at the enemy and say "Bangety Bang Bang". OK, I guess I can try that Ivan said, what's the banana for though? That's a bayonet you stupid ass said the CO, ...

Russia is the second most powerful military nation

... in Ukraine.




(Just thought about it, sorry if it's not OC)

How has the Russian government started spelling Ukraine?

A-f-g-h-a-n-i-s-t-a-n.

A German in a Bar

A German walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender tells him : "20 euros!"

The German is shocked - "20 euros? yesterday it was only 3 euros !"

"Well, today it is 20 euros."

\- "But why 20, damn it?"

Bar tender : "I'll explain it,

\-3 euros is beer,...

Justin Timberlake is under pressure from the US government to reveal the location of his secret fishing villa in war-torn Ukraine.

His only response is, Crimea River.

One day an old Ukrainian man found an antique lamp

He starts it to polish it off and 'Poof', a genie appears in a cloud of smoke.

"Hoho, Mortal!" says the genie, stretching and yawning, "For releasing me I will grant you three wishes."

The old man thinks for a moment, and says, "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-...

Why are Russian troops in Ukraine called T-Rex?

Why are Russian troops in Ukraine called T-Rex?

Because they are only given small arms.

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What’s the Russian military’s policy on homosexuals fighting in the Ukraine?

“Donetsk, don’t tell.”

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My Russian pal is such a hopeless drunk that he joined the Red Army just to go to Ukraine

He heard that in the land of Ukraine, cocktails literally fall from the sky.

These jokes about Ukraine are like COVID.

Tasteless.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Russian elementary school assignmen: "please tell us an anecdote that demonstrates the kindness of our great leader Putin"

On the due date, the teacher has some students stand up and read their assignments in front of the class.

Little Igor goes first : "one day President Putin was walking down the street when he noticed a crying little girl. He asked what was troubling her, and she told him that her cat went up ...

A little joke from my family's dinner table.

My family was talking a few weeks ago, and somehow I brought up the fact that every state in New England has a town or city in it called "Warren". I said that there's a Warren, Vermont, a Warren, Maine, a Warren, Rhode Island.

And my brother chimed in "There's also a Warren Ukraine!"

...

How many Russian generals does it take to win a war in Ukraine?

More than 3....

A joke from Ukraine about cultural differences [my translation].

[edit - grammar]

In a psychological experiment, three women - Arab, French, and Ukrainian - are asked the same question: "suppose you survive a shipwreck and are stranded on an uninhabited tropical island ... with fifteen brutal, muscular, stressed-out sailors, and noone else, what would you ...

Why shouldn’t men buy underpants from Ukraine?

Chernobyl Fall out

Vladimir Putin making a school visit...

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.

At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Alina put...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why doesn't Putin want to pull out of Ukraine?

You know what they say: in for a penny, in for ~~a~~ ~~3~~ ~~5~~ 13 rubles...

As tensions rise in Ukraine

Vladimir is Putin troops in separatist regions, and Joe is Biden his time with imposing sanctions.

According to National Geographic, 80% of US adults could not find Ukraine on an unmarked map.

They're really ahead of their time.

Everyone wants me to care about Russia and Ukraine right now. Boo-Hoo!

Crimea River

Vladimir Putin goes to the Ukraine

And the customs officer in the entry interview, asks him "occupation?"

"Vell, only if you insist " he replied.

What does Ukraine have in common with the iPhone 7?

They both suffered the loss of one very important port.

When talking about the ammo Remington was donating to Ukraine a friend asked who it was for.

My second friend said Ukraine.

I said Russians.

Joe Biden called a press conference, to discuss his meeting with Vladimir Putin…

“The good news, is that Mr Putin told me that he wants peace.”

After everyone cheered and clapped in relief, he added the bad news…

“A piece of Crimea, a piece of Ukraine, a piece of Finland…”

A grandpa with a machine gun enters inside a tourist bus in Ukraine.

A grandpa with a machine gun enters inside a tourist bus in Ukraine.
He asks what time is it now.
A black guy stands up and says: ‘Half past seven !’
The grandpa says: Sit down son, I can see you are not a Russian.

Putin goes to Ukraine

at the border the customs ask him:

- Nationality?

- Russian

- Occupation?

- No. Special operation

Biden to Putin: Stop planning the invasion of Ukraine.

Putin: Crimea River.

Why should you never buy boxer shorts from Ukraine?

Chernobyl fallout.

Vladimir Putin visits a primary school one day

And he gives a lecture about how great the government is, and how Russia is the best country in the world.
At the end of the lecture he invites people to ask questions and one kid stands up and says
“Hello my name is Sasha and I have two questions”
Putin: “go ahead”
Sasha: “Why did Russi...

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Why did Trump call the President of Ukraine from the basement of Trump Tower?

Because his office was on the 50th floor and he was afraid of committing a high crime and misdemeanor.

Putin

It was in the news recently that Putin was visiting a school in Moscow to promote the nations power on the world wide stage.
The children were allowed to ask questions before lunch.

Little Alina speaks up and says to Putin...

“I have two questions”

“Why did Russia take Crim...

Why does a nervous wasp support the Russian invasion of Ukraine?

Cagey Bee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Putin is being driven down the street in his limo

And he sees a family on the side of the road eating grass. He tells his driver to pull over and he gets out of the limo and approaches the husband. "What are you doing? Why is your family eating grass?"he asks. "Oh, Mr President," the man says "Since the war in Ukraine began I've been thrown out of ...

Jedi Master finally named after being found dead from radiation poisoning in Ukraine

Obi Wan Chernobi

The difference between politics in the USA and Ukraine is

It's improv in the US.

Trump is reportedly upset that the Ukraine just elected a comedian as president.

Oh, Crimea river!

What is Putins favorite song to play for Ukraine?

Crimea-River

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After reading about Zelensky's massive balls all over the internet Putin calls up Zelensky to prove him wrong. They decide to meet up in Ukraine to put it to a test.

"He, who ejaculates most wins!" said Putin. Zelensky agreed.

First up, it was Putin. He began stroking his tiny member and after a few seconds, out came his seeds.

"100 millilitres!!" shouted someone from the back.

"Piss off, Trump. It's just 10 millilitres" said Biden who h...

Why was the Russian unable to enter Ukraine?

Because he didn't have Visa.

Q. Did you hear about the nuclear disaster in Ukraine - don’t go there! A. Oh - why not?

Chernobyl fall off!

What has Trump been doing since his call to the Ukraine?

He’s Biden his time.

What did Putin say to NATO in response to being criticized for annexing parts of Ukraine?

'Oh, Crimea river.'

What did Putin tell the Ukranian government when he invaded western Ukraine?

Crimea river.

If anyone's interested, my buddy has tickets for Champions League Final match (26th of May) in Kiev, Ukraine

He bought the tickets, but the damned fool forgot he was getting married that weekend. Anyone up for taking this off his hands?


The girl's name is Catherine and she's really lovely.

Why do you need to keep your flies zipped up in the Ukraine?

Because Chernobyl fallout.

So apparently Justin Timberlake is going to write a song for all the people that have been devastated by the crisis in Ukraine.

It's going to be called 'Crimea River'.

Russia: Hey Ukraine, wanna hear a joke?

Ukraine: Sure!

Russia: Crimea.

Ukraine: I don't get it.

Russia: You will never get it.

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