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Ukraine Jokes

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The nun and the Russian soldier.

A soldier ran up to a nun.

Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt, I'll explain later.”

The nun agreed.

A moment later two military police ran up and asked:

“Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After ...

Remember when Putin said he didn't have any plans to invade Ukraine?

I'm starting to think he was telling the truth.

What do you call a Russian tank brigade returning from Ukraine?

An infantry platoon.

jokes about the war in Ukraine I heard in Romania

Putin dies and goes to hell, but a few years later he gets permission to leave hell and to visit Moscow for a day -

Goes to a pub in Moscow, orders a few drinks and asks the bartender:

Crimea is still ours ? - Yes, bartender says

Donbas is still ours ? - Yes, ours

Is Kiev...

A battalion of Russian soldiers were marching through Ukraine..

From behind a huge pile of rubble they hear a faint yell.

"One Ukrainian soldier can kill 10 Russian soldiers!"

The Russian colonel laughs, then sends 10 of his soldiers over the pile. After a short battle and the ensuing silence, another yell:

"One Ukrainian soldier can take ou...

Calling a friend in Ukraine

“Hi, what is going on ?:”

“Well, Russia is in war with NATO here.”

“And how does it look like ?”

“Russia lost a missile cruiser, over 600 tanks, 25000 soldiers.”

“And NATO ?”

“Did not arrive yet.”

Did you hear about the update to firearm ownership laws in Ukraine?

You can have anything you want, as long as it points at Moscow

March 2023, one year into the Ukraine war

A scowling man said to himself as he walked: No hamburgers, no coffee, not even toiletries...

At this time, police in plainclothes came over and whispered to him: I warn you, if you slander great Russia under Putin's leadership like this, I will hit you with a pistol on the head!

The...

Why are the Russian forces in Ukraine using the symbol "Z"?

Because the other half of the swastika fell off due to poor Russian maintenance.

Two young Russian conscripts in Ukraine approach a platoon of Ukranian fighters to surrender.

They approach with their hands in the air, and their weapons holstered.

"We come to surrender. Our truck is out of fuel and broken down. The rest of our troops are miles away, and none of the gas trucks or repair technicians will be available for days. We are stranded."

The Ukrainian f...

Putin is working in his office planning the Ukraine war, when the ghost of Stalin suddenly appears.

Putin takes the opportunity to seek advice: “Stalin, what happened? why are things not working out for us?” Stalin gives him the advice: “Send 5 million Russians to their deaths at war, and paint the Kremlin blue.” “Why blue?” asks Vladimir Putin.

“I knew you wouldn’t have a problem with ...

According to a survey 64% of Americans couldn't locate Ukraine on a world map.

The other 36% said, "What's a world map?"

How does Russia knows that Ukraine has "dirty" bombs?

Because they stole all of their washing machines.

A Russian man is called up to fight in Ukraine...

"Ivan, you've been mobilized, report to the front line"

"But I haven't got any legs?!"

"That's fine, it's a partial mobilization'

Ukrainian Peasant finds a Genie in a Bottle

A Ukrainian peasant finds a genie in a bottle. The genie offers him three wishes. He’s a stupid peasant but he knows what he likes.

The peasant says, “I want the Chinese to invade Ukraine from the east and then go back to China.”

So it happens and the Chinese army invaded Ukraine from ...

What's the difference between Ukraine and Russia?

Ukraine's president is a comedian.

Russia's president is a clown.

I think the Russian invasion of Ukraine was caused by a translation error.

The Russian military invading Ukraine all have Z's, and the Ukrainians fighting back are the "Not Z's".

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The Russian conscript

Ivan had just been conscripted to fight in Ukraine. As part of his basic training he had to participate in a war game. The day of the war game, Ivan realised he had misplaced his rifle, so he went to his Lieutenant: “ Lieutenant, I lost my rifle. What am I going to use for the war games?”
“I don’...

Russians are sending peacekeepers into Ukraine.

They're saying, " You see this piece of land? We're keeping it."

- Jimmy Carr

Zelensky calls Putin

Zelensky: Hey Volodya, wanna hear a joke?

Putin: Sure

Zelensky: Ukraine

Putin: I don't get it.

Zelensky: You will never get it.

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A black man from the USA, 200 cm tall, enters a coffee shop in Ukraine.

He sits down and orders a whiskey. An Ukrainian, 210 cm tall, enters the tavern, sits across the American and orders vodka.

The American, wanting to look superior, takes his whiskey and drinks it all at once.

So then the Ukrainian wanted to show that he can do it too, so he takes his v...

What’s Ukraine’s biggest import?

The Russian military.

Russia is the second most powerful military nation

... in Ukraine.




(Just thought about it, sorry if it's not OC)

how do you stop a Russian tank from advancing on Ukraine?

Shoot the Russian troops pushing it.

A friend of mine just saw a documentary on the Chernobyl disaster..

He actually grew up in Ukraine in the 1980’s and was able to count at least 8 inaccuracies on one hand

A joke from Kyiv.

A Russian soldier calls home from Ukraine.

- Did you take Kyiv?
- No.
- Did you take Harkiv?
- No
- What did you take then?
- A blender, a washing machine and two fur coats

Why are there no Wal-Marts in Ukraine?

Because they're all Targets.

King Charles has announced that he will be sending his best two Helicopter pilots to Ukraine for the war.

Their names are Andrew and Harry

A General was dispatched to the Kremlin I order to give Putin an update on the situation in Ukraine.

When he got there, he was met at the door by a Marshall, who pulled him aside and whispered “The President is a very busy man, and he only has the time for a single word from you, so think it over, and choose your word wisely!”

So the general mulled it over, as he nervously awaited his call. ...

Why isn’t Vladimir leaving Ukraine?

Because his name is Vladimir Putin. Not Vladimir Pullout

A Large Russian Division was doing Scouting Recon in Ukraine

From over the Hill they heard a Man Shouting . "One Ukrainian Soldier can Defeat 10 Russian Soldiers " . The General Stopped & Sent 10 Russian Soldiers over the Hill . 5 Minutes of Gunfire was heard & then Silence . Couple of minutes Later they heard "One Ukrainian Soldier can Defeat 100 Ru...

Putin is having a meeting in the Kremlin with his generals on the war in Ukraine.

When the meeting concludes, Sergei Shoigu, Minister of Defense is the first one to step out. As he does so, he mutters under his breath, "wily little prick". However, he is heard by Putin's secretary who immediately reports to his boss. Putin orders Shoigu to be brought back.

When he's back i...

What did Czechia have to say about Russian losses in Ukraine?

"Czechmate Russia".

President Zelinski has come out with a plan to get the Russian Army out of Ukraine in 24 hours

It’s called operation “give them a full tank of gas”

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Ukraine has a new policy on gays signing up for military service.

Donetsk, Dontell.

How has the Russian government started spelling Ukraine?

A-f-g-h-a-n-i-s-t-a-n.

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Putin is being driven down the street in his limo

And he sees a family on the side of the road eating grass. He tells his driver to pull over and he gets out of the limo and approaches the husband. "What are you doing? Why is your family eating grass?"he asks. "Oh, Mr President," the man says "Since the war in Ukraine began I've been thrown out of ...

Vladimir Putin suffers a heart attack amidst the Ukraine crisis, and falls into a coma...

... A few years later, he wakes up, gets back on his feet and walks out of his room, right past the sleeping guard.

He walks out of the hospital onto the streets of Moscow, and finds that most people don't recognize him. Several years of vegetative coma seem to have taken its toll on his appe...

Putin's inner circle is trying to hide the news that the war isn't going well in parts of Ukraine from him...

They have a very strict Donetsk-don't-tell policy.

Did you hear about the Russian wolf that wandered into Ukraine and got in a trap?

It chewed off three of it's legs and was still caught in the trap.

A Russian citizen is crossing the border into Ukraine and hands his passport to the customs officer.

The customs officer asks: "Name?"
The Russian replies: "Vladimir Krylov"
The customs officer continues: "Occupation?"
The Russian replies: "Not yet, just visiting."

Poland has stepped up in support of Ukraine

they’ve stationed 10,000 troops on their border with France.

President Joe Biden was advised that he needed to assemble a new cabinet to deal with the Russia / Ukraine conflict

Coming back from IKEA, he realised he had greatly misunderstood the task given to him

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Russian elementary school assignmen: "please tell us an anecdote that demonstrates the kindness of our great leader Putin"

On the due date, the teacher has some students stand up and read their assignments in front of the class.

Little Igor goes first : "one day President Putin was walking down the street when he noticed a crying little girl. He asked what was troubling her, and she told him that her cat went up ...

Putin goes to the fortune-teller.

"I see the future!" says the fortune-teller. "You will die on a national holiday in Ukraine!"

"Which one?" the Russian leader asks in shock.

"It doesn't matter when you die, that day will be a national holiday in Ukraine!"

It’s great that Turkey is providing heavy armoured vehicles to Ukraine.

Everyone loves tanks giving turkey.

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putin walks into a meeting with all his top generals and demands "How is my special operation against Ukraine and NATO Nazis going!?"

The generals all look at each other nervously

"Well...." demands putin "tell me now!!"

The top general stands and says "Well we have been fighting for 4 weeks. We have lost over 15,000 brave soldiers, 6 generals, over 500 tanks and fighting vehicles, 3 ships, 100 planes and drones and ...

Russia has destroyed at least 21 HIMARS in Ukraine, based on past official reports

Ukraine has only 16 HIMARS in total.

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What’s the Russian military’s policy on homosexuals fighting in the Ukraine?

“Donetsk, don’t tell.”

Putin visits Ukraine

Immigration officer says: "Name?". - "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".

"Address?" - "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".

"Occupation?" - "Probably next year".

This war in Ukraine has me on edge. Yesterday I thought I heard a Russian plane fly over my house.

It was just an Illyushin

Before the Russian invasion of Ukraine. The Kremlin decides to try and intimidate Ukraine.

Before the Russian invasion of Ukraine.
The Kremlin decides to try and intimidate Ukraine.

They send a few truckloads of wheat with the note: "That's how many of us are coming!"

A few days later the trucks return full of flour with the note: "And this is how they will be sent back t...

Which country is the largest supplier of arms to Ukraine?

Russia

Why is the music of 'the Clash" banned in Russian tanks in Ukraine?

Because the Russians dont need to be reminded that when they fight the LAWs, the LAWs win

There's a simple solution to Ukraine crisis!

Send in Canadian troops!

I've heard they like to make a meal of Poutine!

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The Russians are getting so low on guns in the Ukraine invasion that Ivan was given a broomstick with a banana tied to it instead.

What am I supposed to do with this he asked his CO? Don't be ungrateful for what glorious Mother Russia has given you he answered, just point it at the enemy and say "Bangety Bang Bang". OK, I guess I can try that Ivan said, what's the banana for though? That's a bayonet you stupid ass said the CO, ...

Russian army was thought to be the second best army in the world...

... It turns out it's only the second best army in Ukraine.

Schrödinger's Russian soldier is a famous physics thought experiment,

which presents a paradox in which a Russian in Ukraine is somehow simultaneously both alive and dead.

Why are Russian troops in Ukraine called T-Rex?

Why are Russian troops in Ukraine called T-Rex?

Because they are only given small arms.

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An American, a Russian, and a Ukrainian are flying together in a plane.

The American gets up, goes to the window pulls a wad of money out of his pocket, and throws it out the window.

"In America, we have plenty of money. We can just throw it away."

The Russian, not to be outdone, rummages in his carry-on bag, pulls out a beautiful fur coat, and throws it o...

Ukraine has announced plans to open Chernobyl as a theme park.

They say ”Its just like Disneyland.” Except the 6-foot mouse is real.

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a joke we tell in Ukraine

A russian, a Ukrainian and an African American guys are sitting in the waiting room while their wives give birth.


The nurse comes out with 3 babies and says "sorry guys, they've got mixed up..let's see whose is whose".
The Ukrainian takes a black kid and runs.
They yell "hold on dud...

Old army joke from Romania(Ukraine's neighbor) about Russian soldiers

This joke was left to me by my grandfather who fought in a couple of wars before he passed away and it's in regard to statues of Russian soldiers in the old USSR.



Russian soldiers,

why did they put you

up there?

Because you lied to the people,

or because y...

How many Russian generals does it take to win a war in Ukraine?

More than 3....

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Why doesn't Putin want to pull out of Ukraine?

You know what they say: in for a penny, in for ~~a~~ ~~3~~ ~~5~~ 13 rubles...

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My Russian pal is such a hopeless drunk that he joined the Red Army just to go to Ukraine

He heard that in the land of Ukraine, cocktails literally fall from the sky.

As tensions rise in Ukraine

Vladimir is Putin troops in separatist regions, and Joe is Biden his time with imposing sanctions.

Everyone wants me to care about Russia and Ukraine right now. Boo-Hoo!

Crimea River

[OC] A genie grants a man his first two wishes, and the man was so upset with how the wishes turned out, that for his third wish, he wished that the genie would go to hell.

The genie arrives in hell, and the Devil is surprised. "We've never had a genie down here before!" the Devil exclaims.

The genie says, "Well, I guess you're my new master, would you care to make your first wish?"

The Devil gets very excited, and quickly replies, "YES! I've been dreamin...

Joe Biden called a press conference, to discuss his meeting with Vladimir Putin…

“The good news, is that Mr Putin told me that he wants peace.”

After everyone cheered and clapped in relief, he added the bad news…

“A piece of Crimea, a piece of Ukraine, a piece of Finland…”

Why shouldn’t men buy underpants from Ukraine?

Chernobyl Fall out

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A joke from Ukraine

The train suddenly turns off the rails and goes through the village, then through the cornfield and finally comes back to the rails. When it arrives, the passengers ask:
What the hell has happened?

There was a man shitting on the rails.

You should've smashed him.

We have smas...

A German in a Bar

A German walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender tells him : "20 euros!"

The German is shocked - "20 euros? yesterday it was only 3 euros !"

"Well, today it is 20 euros."

\- "But why 20, damn it?"

Bar tender : "I'll explain it,

\-3 euros is beer,...

China has become Russia’s ally in Ukraine.

Their alliance will be referred to as “Winnie the Putin”

My favorite thing about Vladimir Putin...

... is that he has managed to take Russia's military from being the second most powerful in the world *allllllll* the way to being the second most powerful in Ukraine.

These jokes about Ukraine are like COVID.

Tasteless.

A joke from Ukraine about cultural differences [my translation].

[edit - grammar]

In a psychological experiment, three women - Arab, French, and Ukrainian - are asked the same question: "suppose you survive a shipwreck and are stranded on an uninhabited tropical island ... with fifteen brutal, muscular, stressed-out sailors, and noone else, what would you ...

I just visited Ukraine's latest tourist attraction, Chernobyl.

I give it four thumbs up!

A Gorbachev joke my dad told me a few years ago

Mikhail Gorbachev visits the US and meet with Ronald Reagan. They talk about how each country chooses their second in command. Gorbachev says that the Communist Party gives rigorous exams and screenings to choose the second in command. Reagan says he gives a test to figure out who to choose. He call...

Recent combat maneuvers and successes have shown that Russia has the second strongest military

...in Ukraine

Russian POW calls home: 'Mum, I've been captured'.

Mum: 'Where are you?'
POW: 'Ukraine.'
Mum: 'Can you get us a Big Mac?'

Expensive Beer

I heard this one about high prices and scarcity from a European friend (I'm American BTW) ...



A fellow goes into a pub and says to the bartender, "One beer please."

The barman replies, "100 euro"

"Wow!" the man says.  "Why is it so expensive?  It was 10 euro before.“
...

Putin goes to Ukraine

at the border the customs ask him:

- Nationality?

- Russian

- Occupation?

- No. Special operation

When talking about the ammo Remington was donating to Ukraine a friend asked who it was for.

My second friend said Ukraine.

I said Russians.

What do you get when you mix Vodka with laxatives?

A Russian tanker in Ukraine.

A grandpa with a machine gun enters inside a tourist bus in Ukraine.

A grandpa with a machine gun enters inside a tourist bus in Ukraine.
He asks what time is it now.
A black guy stands up and says: ‘Half past seven !’
The grandpa says: Sit down son, I can see you are not a Russian.

Why was the Russian unable to enter Ukraine?

Because he didn't have Visa.

Why does a nervous wasp support the Russian invasion of Ukraine?

Cagey Bee

Biden to Putin: Stop planning the invasion of Ukraine.

Putin: Crimea River.

According to National Geographic, 80% of US adults could not find Ukraine on an unmarked map.

They're really ahead of their time.

What's the fastest way to become a Millionaire?

Be a Billionaire and invade Ukraine.



>NK Lukoil PAO
>
>6.96 USD
>
>\-84.96 (-92.43%)past month

Vladimir Putin visits a primary school one day

And he gives a lecture about how great the government is, and how Russia is the best country in the world.
At the end of the lecture he invites people to ask questions and one kid stands up and says
“Hello my name is Sasha and I have two questions”
Putin: “go ahead”
Sasha: “Why did Russi...

Vladimir Putin goes to the Ukraine

And the customs officer in the entry interview, asks him "occupation?"

"Vell, only if you insist " he replied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After reading about Zelensky's massive balls all over the internet Putin calls up Zelensky to prove him wrong. They decide to meet up in Ukraine to put it to a test.

"He, who ejaculates most wins!" said Putin. Zelensky agreed.

First up, it was Putin. He began stroking his tiny member and after a few seconds, out came his seeds.

"100 millilitres!!" shouted someone from the back.

"Piss off, Trump. It's just 10 millilitres" said Biden who h...

Putin is visiting Ukraine

Border security stops him for questioning.

Security: "Name??"

Putin: " Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin"

Security: "Occupation?"

Putin: "Da!"

Security: "End date?"

Putin: "NATO"

Putin gets a haircut

Putin goes to the Kremlin barbershop to get a haircut. While cutting his hair, the barber keeps on and on asking and talking about the 'special operation' in Ukraine.

Putin snaps:

- You seem to be overly interested about Ukraine... Don't you understand what happens to people who are to...

Where does Justin Timberlake go swimming when he's in the Ukraine?

The Crimea River

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Ukrainian Man Marries a Russian Woman.

Before the wedding night, the Ukrainian groom's father takes him aside, to give him some advice.

When you go down on her, grab her firmly and throw her on the bed. She should know, that Ukraine is **strong**.

Then, you show her your dick. She should know, that Ukraine is **big**.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Working the club circuit

A comedian is working his way up the ranks in the industry. He travels around working small venues for minimal pay, hoping to get noticed and hit it big.

On a seemingly regular Wednesday night at the Laughter House in Bloomington, WI he sets up for a gig that might end up changing his life....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's it called when you can't stop doing cocaine? Addicted.

What's it like when you smoke every day? Addicted.

If you have a compulsion to bet your money on the horses, you are -- addicted.

Who invaded Ukraine? A dick did.

Russia have just applied to join NATO.

They need protection from Ukraine.

School visit

Vladimir Putin, to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids.
He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.
At the end of the talk there is a section for questions.
Little Sasha puts her h...

Why should you never buy trousers from the Ukraine?

Chernobyl Fallout.

Why was the entire world late to work today?

Due to the invasion in Ukraine and widespread sanctions, everyone stopped Russian.

I don't know why people are saying the Russian military is weak

They're ranked #2 in Ukraine.

What did Putin say to NATO in response to being criticized for annexing parts of Ukraine?

'Oh, Crimea river.'

Trump is reportedly upset that the Ukraine just elected a comedian as president.

Oh, Crimea river!

Zelensky and Putin meet in Belarus to discuss a possible armistice when a suddenly a bomb goes off

There is a lot of confusion and when security finally manages to get to the presidents, both of them are in a horrible shape and need to be put in an artificial coma.

After 10 years, they both wake up in the hospital and are visibly confused. No doctor or nurse was around, so they decide to p...

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