What did Putin tell the Ukranian government when he invaded western Ukraine?

Crimea river.

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When Hitler conquered Ukraine...

his soldiers sent back a message saying that the women were beautiful and enclosed a picture of them. Upon seeing this picture, Hitler declared that these women were honorary Aryans and demanded they bring back as many women as they could. When Hitler conquered Finland his soldiers sent back a messa...

According to a survey 64% of Americans couldn't locate Ukraine on a world map.

The other 36% said, "What's a world map?"

Russia: Hey Ukraine, wanna hear a joke?

Ukraine: Sure!

Russia: Crimea.

Ukraine: I don't get it.

Russia: You will never get it.

Jedi Master finally named after being found dead from radiation poisoning in Ukraine

Obi Wan Chernobi

Ukraine has announced plans to open Chernobyl as a theme park.

They say ”Its just like Disneyland.” Except the 6-foot mouse is real.

I just visited Ukraine's latest tourist attraction, Chernobyl.

I give it four thumbs up!

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A black man from the USA, 200 cm tall, enters a coffee shop in Ukraine.

He sits down and orders a whiskey. An Ukrainian, 210 cm tall, enters the tavern, sits across the American and orders vodka.

The American, wanting to look superior, takes his whiskey and drinks it all at once.

So then the Ukrainian wanted to show that he can do it too, so he takes his v...

Donald Trump dies and goes to hell

In 50 years, he comes to the devil and says: "I know I'm going to spend an eternity here. I would like to ask you for a favor. I miss my country, I miss the United States. Can I go back to Washington DC for 15 minutes? I will go to the nearest bar, drink some beer and have a little chat with the bar...

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A joke from Ukraine

The train suddenly turns off the rails and goes through the village, then through the cornfield and finally comes back to the rails. When it arrives, the passengers ask:
What the hell has happened?

There was a man shitting on the rails.

You should've smashed him.

We have smas...

I have a friend who lives just outside of Chernobyl in Ukraine who watched the new Chernobyl TV show

He counted 9 historical inaccuracies on one hand

What’s Ukraine’s biggest import?

The Russian military.

The difference between politics in the USA and Ukraine is

It's improv in the US.

Where does Justin Timberlake go swimming when he's in the Ukraine?

The Crimea River

A Russian goes to Ukraine

As a Russian prepares to cross the Ukrainian border, the border guard asks, “Occupation?”

“No,” says the Russian. “Just visiting.”

Trump is reportedly upset that the Ukraine just elected a comedian as president.

Oh, Crimea river!

Why shouldn’t you buy cheap jeans from Northern Ukraine?

Chernobyl fallout.

According to National Geographic, 80% of US adults could not find Ukraine on an unmarked map.

They're really ahead of their time.

Vladimir Putin goes to the Ukraine

And the customs officer in the entry interview, asks him "occupation?"

"Vell, only if you insist " he replied.

Misunderstood JT

In the early 2000s Justin Timberlake did a tour in Eastern Europe and had a stop in southern Ukraine.

After playing a show in Sevastopol he had some down time so he travelled the countryside, and was amazed by the stunning beauty of the peninsula's nature and wildlife. He backpacked through ...

What's Putins favorite song to play for Ukraine.

Crimea-River

You need to be aware of faulty underwear from the Ukraine.

Be careful, otherwise chernobyl fallout.

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There was a man in Ukraine who operated a train for a living.

He showed up to work one day extremely drunk and starting hitting people on the tracks, killing a few before he was caught and arrested. State law deemed that death via the electric chair was an acceptable punishment for his deeds.


The day he was put to death, they asked him for any last ...

If anyone's interested, my buddy has tickets for Champions League Final match (26th of May) in Kiev, Ukraine

He bought the tickets, but the damned fool forgot he was getting married that weekend. Anyone up for taking this off his hands?


The girl's name is Catherine and she's really lovely.

What does Ukraine have in common with the iPhone 7?

They both suffered the loss of one very important port.

What do you call Russian foreign policy with Ukraine?

Nyet Neutrality

What do you do when a Soviet nuclear engineers asks for help in Ukraine?

You give them a third hand.

Why are people leaving the Ukraine?

I don't know but they sure are Russian.

Pets are like countries.

Dogs are like Canada. They're incredibly friendly, but to some, to a naive degree.



Cats are like England. They're rude and act like they're better than everybody, but we find them so charming for some reason.



Parrots are like America. They blindly repeat anybody they...

Why do you always close your zipper when visiting Ukraine?

Cause Chernobyl fallout.

A Russian student goes to Ukraine to visit his girlfriend

and is stopped at the border and asked for identification. The guard looks carefully at his paperwork and asks tersely, 'Name?' 'Vlad', he replies. 'Occupation?', the officer inquires. 'Nyet, just here on vacation.'

What happens when Russia, Belarus, Kazakhstan, Armenia, Ukraine and Latvia get back together?

A Soviet reunion

So apparently Justin Timberlake is going to write a song for all the people that have been devastated by the crisis in Ukraine.

It's going to be called 'Crimea River'.

Popular joke in Ukraine

"Driver of a Russian humanitarian aid truck was beaten by Russian soldiers when tried to light a cigarette near cans with beef stew."

WW3 due to Ukraine

The scariest thing about this World War Three starting is that we are on the Germans' side.

They've never won a World War yet.

You know what is going on in Ukraine?

Donetsk, don't tell.

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Boris and Vasily Go To The Beach

Two Ukraine men go to beach to see hot chicks. They take off clothes put on Speedo then go to sand. As they stand, many hot chicks look at and talk sexy to Vasily. Not so for Boris. When walk on sand, hot chicks look at Vasily. Not look Boris.

Finally Boris say, "All hot chicks be liking you,...

Afraid to speak Russian in Ukraine.

"Yefim, you know, I try to speak Russian as little as possible."
"Why? What happened? Are you afraid that Ukrainians will beat you up?"
"No, I am scared that Russians will come to save me."

Homecoming

There is terrible accident in ISS, leaving only one American astronaut alive. All the communications are dead, but he has lots of food, water and oxygen to survive. Finally after two years he is able manufacture escape pod and lands in rural Texas.


He makes his way to closest town and ent...

The Irish have announced they've sent a peace keeping force to Ukraine.

They've managed to secure the city of Chernobyl without any resistance!

A crane called into customer care

Customer care: Hello this is Amazon Customer care service. My name is Sophie. How may I help you?

Crane: I would like to know the status of my order of two big fishing poles.

Sophie: Please hold on sir....can you give me the package no?

Crane: 4201001666, by the way I like your ...

With the situation in Ukraine...

Putin is giving a speech to his people
- My people, due Wests sanctions we'll need to tighten our belts and work harder!
Voice from the crowd:
- We will work two shifts!
- Thank you, you must be real patriot of our country! And we'll have to give up western goods and productio...

32 Tanks Enter Ukraine From Russia

Ukrainian grandma says, "What is the difference between a Russian tank and a vacuum cleaner? "

Ukrainian grandpa is getting another drink, but yells, "I don't know" from the cellar.

"There's only one dirtbag in a vacuum," she replies, but no one is in the room to hear her.

Vladimir Putin making a school visit...

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.

At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Alina put...

What is in common between a comedian, a chocolate factory owner and a criminal?

They are all running for Ukraine Presidency in 2019.

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You have two cows..

USA: You have two cows. You outsource a farm to milk them and sell the milk to those who can afford it. You then use the profit to buy someone else's cow for your butcher to make steak with.

Russia: You have two cows. When you get sober you remember that the mafia took them away from you, so ...

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The Story of Ivan Ivanavich (Warning: long)

There once was a man from the Ukraine named Ivan Ivanavich. Now Ivan and his family were dirt poor, in fact they were so poor, that they had to sell the cockroaches and rats they found in their hovel to make some spare change to to feed their many family members. One day Ivan decided it was time to ...

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are riding together on a train.

The Russian takes a bottle of the best vodka out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In Russia, we have the best vodka in the world \- nowhere in the world, you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away....

[Discussion] Regional targets

I am wondering who are the preferred targets of jokes from where you are from, I have done a little research and have come up with the following so far:

| Region | Target |
|:--|:--|
| Canada | Newfies |
| England | Irishmen |
| America | Polacks |
| France | Belgians |
| Br...

What is Russia's favorite imported product?

Ukraine.

Vladimir Putin shows up in one of the Moscow's primary schools

After the welcoming ceremony there is some time for the students to ask the President a few questions

Little Sasha stands up and says:

I only have 2 questions:

1. Why did Russia take over the Crimea?

2. What are Russian soldiers doing in Ukraine?

Before Putin was a...

Trump calls Putin on the phone

Trump says, "You need to stop annexing territory in Ukraine"

Putin responds, "Crimea river"

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Putin is holding a press conference

This is Russian joke.

Putin is holding a press conference to see what problems in Russia need fixing.

An old man walks up to the mic and says "Mr. President, we are so poor, we cannot afford to eat, every night my wife and I go hungry. Can you fix this?"

Putin says "I'm sorry, I...

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