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Australians Jokes

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Australians don't have sex...

Australians mate.

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Well... That's Australians for you

My 4-year-old was struggling to open his yoghurt today when he suddenly mumbled "Fucking shitty lid!"
My wife immediately looked at me and angrily said "I wonder where he's got that from??"
I said, "The fridge, you silly cunt."

In 1802, the condom was invented in New Zealand...

...by using sheep's lower intestine.

Some years later, Australians refined the idea by removing the intestine from the sheep first.

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God is creating the world, and he talks to the canadians

He says to them “You will have the best land ever. It is beautiful, in the summer it is warm and in the winter it snows beautiful snow flakes. It is called Canada. You will have prosperity and food for all your days.”

He then gets the Australians, and says to them “I give to you Australia. Yo...

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How do Australians clean their butts?

Bidet, mate.

How do Australians know who won the chess game?

They check, mate.

Australians are geniuses.

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fu...

Why won't Australians see your posts?

They can only sort by hot right now

A joke for Australians

The Garbo's doing his rounds and he gets his mate,the bogan's place and the bin ain't out the front. So the Garbo knocks on the door. "G'Day, Bogan. Long time no see. Where's ya bin?" Asks the Garbo. "I bin on holidays." Says the Bogan. "Nah mate, where's ya bin?" Repeats the Garbo. "I just s...

Why do Australians laugh at flightless birds?

They find them Emu-sing

I just watched an Australian cooking show and the audience cheered when the chef made meringue.

I was surprised...usually Australians boo meringue.

How do Australians order monkies?

Amazon Prime, mate.

What do Australians say to someone they hate?

Go die, mate!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Australians, when they go out to dinner, always talk about chess?

Seriously! They always ask for the checkmate, and it’s starting to piss me off.

How do australians call their mother?

wow

They say 30% of Australians are casual racists

The other 70% are full time

Two Australians were sitting around talking over a beer..

After a while the first Australian says to the second, “If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"

The second Australian crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head...

I met a lot of Australians recently

They are very unique folk. They are obsessed with eye color. Mine are, apparently, very amazing. Whenever I meet one, for whatever reason, the first thing they always say is "good eye."

Why are Australians racist?

Because they're all Kangaroos, Koalas and Kookaburras

Australians

An australian tourist flies to america. He is unpacking his bags in a hotel, rents a motorcycle and start driving. He goes 70MPH in a 40MPH speed limit roas, whan a cup is telling him to pull over. The police officer yells at him: "What is wrong with you, man?!?! Did you came here to die?!"
"No,"...

Why can’t Australians catch the coronavirus?

Because we’re only intoxicated by the hard stuff.

Who do Australians hunt with one eye?

Because a bad eye can’t

But a good-eye-might

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Only Australians and/or New Zealanders will get this joke

A large man walks into a bar and looks for a place to sit. Every stool and table is taken but at the end of the bar is a little man drinking a beer by himself. So, the big man walks up behind him and slaps him across the back of head and he falls to the floor.

The little man gets up rubbing h...

Now I know why Australians call each other "Mate"...

Cause it's a short form of **INMATE**...

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Do you know what Australians' favourite sex position is?

96.

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Why do Australians prefer to stream their porn on local area networks?

They come from a LAN down under.

How do Australians get around?

KangarUber

Why do Australians abroad always work in pubs?

They're used to being behind bars.

What did the trees say to the Australians pruning them?

Eucalyptus

How do Australians connect to the internet?

They use the LAN down under.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s my plan for karma? Piss off the Australians.

Their downvotes turn into upvotes here. The ultimate switch-a-roo

Three New Zealanders and three Australians are at a train station...

The Aussies notice that the Kiwis only bought 1 train ticket between the three of them.

"How exactly do you three plan on travelling with one ticket?" one asked.

"None of your business, mate" said one of the Kiwis.

Skeptical, the Aussies watched them as they boarded the train, t...

How do Australians find sheep in the long grass?

Irresistible...

How do drunk Australians get home after a night out?

They take a Kangaruber.

What road do Australians drive on?

The M8.
What road do pirates drive on?
The M80.

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