It was 11 years ago today that my best friend burst through the door, tears streaming down his face, yelling out, “It’s a boy! It’s a boy!”

We haven’t been back to Thailand since.

My two year-old son told his first joke today. Afterwards, he burst out laughing for about 5 minutes straight saying 'I'm so funny' over and over again.

The joke.
Son comes in carrying a soft toy, a cow.

Son: "Mummy Mummy cow is being noisy!"

Mummy: "How is cow being nois---"

Son: "Moooooooo!!!!"
Then bursts into loud laughter.

Love this kid!

a guy with a gun bursts into a bank and screams “a person's regular occupation, profession, or trade. also known as a commercial enterprise.”

the old lady in front of him whispers to the teller, “I’d do whatever he asks. He means business.”

A woman works in a sperm bank. She is taking a bottle of specimen when a man wearing a ski mask and a gun suddenly bursts into the room.

The gunman points the gun at her, and tells her to drink the specimen. The woman is both scared and shocked. Afraid for her life, she opens the bottle and swallows the liquid. The gunman removes his mask, revealing himself to be her husband, and says:
'See, that wasn't so hard, was it?'

Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears.

11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.

Billy saw the barn was ablaze, sprinted down the street, burst into a bar room full of gunslingers and shouted "Fire! Fire!"

And they did.

A guy bursts into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but saran wrap underwear.

The doctor takes one look at him and says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

Donald Trump was sitting in his office, when suddenly, his Chief Political Advisor burst through the door.

CPA: "Terrible news, sir. Three Brazilian men were killed outside of an embassy in Rio."

Trump: "That is terrible news. We must act immediately. But first, tell me again, how many is a Brazilian?"

The boss tells one of his jokes and everyone burst out laughing in the office. Except for one guy.

When asked "Why didn't you laugh?"
He responded " I don't work here"

A man bursts into a confession booth

"Father!" he cries, hardly able to breathe. "For the last month I have been having daily orgies with just me and 5 women from my street. Two of the women are a twins"

"My child, this is wanton. I can absolve you but once this has stopped"

"There has been much sodomy Father. Every depra...

A artist is thinking of what his new work should be when his wife bursts into his office...

"I'm sorry to say this," she announces. "But a viewer of one of your paintings died from poisoning because of an unsafe form of paint you used...and we've been sued a billion dollars... your career as an artist is over...I'm sorry..." she then bows her head. The artist drops his jaw and prepares to ...

What did the janitor yell when he burst out of the closet?

Supplies!

I called my son a bloody disappointment and my girlfriend burst out into tears

Appartently, she's sensitive about her miscarriage

I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card and he burst into tears.

He said, "One would have been enough."

A man bursts into a dentist’s waiting room.

“Oooh, ooooh, I’m a moth, I’m a moth!” he exclaims. 

 “This is dentist, not a psychiatrist,” says the receptionist, “why did you come in here?“ 

 “Your light was on,” says the man.

A man bursts into a bar with a revolver and shouts "Who's been banging my wife?"

A voice in the room shouts "You're going to need more bullets."

A really annoying loophole

A bus carrying many people crashed on an icy road, burst into flames, and everyone died. Upon arrival in heaven, God said, "Since you have died in a terrible way, I'll grant you one wish before I let you into heaven." The first woman, being a person always concerned on her looks, comes up to God and...

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A man with a gun bursts into a bar

He shouts "which one of you fuckers slept with my wife"

A voice from the back calls back "you haven't got enough bullets mate"

A guy bursts into a gas station laughing like crazy

Gas station manager asks him what's so funny.

Guy says "There's a blonde outside trying to open her car door with a coathanger through the window"

"I know, I gave her the coat hanger, she locked herself out of her car" says the gas station manager.

Guy stops, then bursts into ev...

A group of robbers burst into a bank and line everybody inside up against the wall.

They then proceed to take anything of monetary value from the people. Among those about to be robbed are two bank accountants.
Suddenly, one of them thrusts something into the hand of the other.
“What’s this?” He whispered.
“It’s the fifty bucks I owe you.”

Grandma Letter

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.



She writes:



Dear Granddaughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just com...

NSFW - A masked man bursts into a sperm bank with a gun...

He runs up to the woman working the front desk and screams, "OPEN THE VAULT!"

The woman is frightened and confused, "Sir, this is a sperm bank!"

"OPEN IT!", he yells while waving the gun.

She complies and opens the vault.

"Now take out a sample and drink it!", he demands....

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Three men lost in the jungle were captured by cannibals

The cannibal king told the men they could live if they successfully undertook a trial. The first step of the trial was for each to go into the forest and collect ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So the three went their separate ways into the forest. Soon the first came back with ten apples. The...

There was a construction site

There’s 3 labourers, ready for their morning job.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Chinese man.

The boss tells the Englishman, when I get back from lunch, I want this pile of dirt moved over there further.

To the Irishman, after he’s moved it, you need to spread the soil.

To ...

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A man wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun bursts through the door of a Bank.

"Go to the back and give me everything you've got " the man said.

The woman replies, "Sir, this is a mistake, this is a __sperm__ bank."

"I don't give a shit, you go get me what I told you!"

The woman goes to the back and comes out carrying a tray full of sperm samples.

"...

The devil

One day the devil came to a church Ina burst of smoke and flame. He ran up and down the aisles shouting "Lucifer is my name!" "I am evil incarnate, the sum of all your fears!" An old man faced him, said "you don't scare me, I've been married to your sister for the last 48 years!"

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Four nuns are summoned by the head priest for committing sins

Priest to the first nun: alright, sister, what was your sin?

First nun: I saw a man's penis today

Priest: hmmm... well these things can happen by mistake, but it is a sin nonetheless! Go wash your eyes in the holy water.

The first nun does so and some giggling can be heard from ...

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A wife was preparing a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband when he suddenly burst into the kitchen. “Careful!” he said.

“Careful! Put in some more butter! Oh, my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once! “Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! Now! We need more butter! Oh, my gosh! They’re going to stick! “Slow things down a bit! Careful! Careful! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! “Right...

A woman goes to the doctor for a checkup

The Doctor tells her, "Well, your results are ready, and it appears that you are pregnant."

The woman appears shocked. and replies "What!? You've got to be..." \[long pause\] "... kid-in-me." and bursts out giggling.

The Doctor, now in a shock says, "I don't believe it. Did you really ...

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A man bursts into a doctor’s surgery. “Doctor, doctor! I’ve got strawberries coming out of my anus!”

The doctor asks if the man would like some cream for it

A Chinese fella bursts out of the janitorial closet and exclaims

Supplies!

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
 
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give...

On March 27th, our math teacher burst into class and threatened to cancel Spring Break unless the one who's cheated on all their tests reveals themselves before next month

How are we supposed to catch a cheater in eight days?!

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Grammar Nazi joke

Nazi: We are mining too many useless ores.
Hitler: So mine less.
Grammar Nazi bursting through door: MINE FEWER!
Hitler: Yes?

Jesus and Moses......

Were up in Heaven fishing in a lake and drinking a couple of beers. About an hour in, Jesus looks at Moses and asks him, “Hey Mo, you think you still got it?” Moses asks, “separating the water??? Man it’s been a looooong time but I’ll give it a shot.” Moses proceeds to stand up in the boat and in a ...

My Eastern philosophy guru told me ...

"To grow in enlightenment, you must live in harmony with the mystical Source of everything."

"Wait," I said. "I thought you told me last week that enlightenment came from sudden bursts of insight when meditating on a koan."

"Well," he replied, "that was Zen. This is Tao."

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An English Lord of the Manor returned home early from his grouse shoot to find his wife having sex in bed with his best friend, the local MP.

‘How could you, Miranda?’ he cried. ‘After everything I’ve done for you. I’ve given you this beautiful house, I’ve always provided you with the most expensive clothes and jewels, I bought you a Ferrari for your birthday, I’ve tried to be a kind husband, and this is how you repay me!’

Hearing ...

So a man is chillin' in his sofa one afternoon when suddenly his wife bursts into the room...

She starts yelling:

*"I'm so tired of seeing you there all the freacking day! Go move your ass! Look! I'm cooking a French recipe and I need some snails! Take this cash and get me some!"*

The man tries to elaborate an excuse but the yelling-storm is too strong and blocks th...

Just made up this chemistry joke, what do you think?

A sodium atom and a chlorine atom meet in a bar. During the conversation, these 2 atoms really start to *bond*.

Everything seems to be going well but shortly after the chlorine atom bursts into tears.

"What's wrong?!" the sodium atom asked.

"I'm negatively charged!" the chlorine...

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Two dogs fucking

Father and son walking down the street and see’s two dogs fucking boy says daddy what are those dogs doing Dad they are making a puppy. Two days later boy burst into parents room and they are fucking little boy daddy what are you doing. Dad were making you a baby brother. Little boy can you tur...

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old woman, was nervous

So he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves:

“Do you know how they make these gloves?” He asked.

“No, I don't.” She replied.

“Well.” He spoofed. “There's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in...

A woman bursts into the clubhouse at a golf course, out of breath...

“Is there a doctor in the house?” She gasps.


A guy nursing a pint at the bat looks up. “What seems to be the problem?” He asks.

“I’ve been stung by a bee.” She replies.

“Where?”

“Between the first and second holes.”

He returns to his drink. “Clearly madam, your...

A man burst into a bar with a revolver on his hand

The man yelled at the top of his lungs

"WHICH ONE OF YOU HAVE BEEN SLEEPING WITH MY WIFE?"

The whole bar went silent, one man stood up and replied

"You're gonna need more than six bullets pal!"

I recently won the lottery

My dad burst through the door, exclaiming, “I got the milk!”

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My Granddad always lived in poverty and only ever owned one black suit,

he always used to tell my Mum that when he died he would like to be buried in a ‘blue suit’
Of course money was tight so that was never going to happen, anyway when he did finally pass away and he was resting in the funeral home wearing his ‘black suit’ my Mum told the funeral director the sad ...

An old woman was sitting next to her fire one day when suddenly a spark jumped out and turned into a fairy.

The fairy told the old woman she could have three wishes.

The old woman thinks for a while and then asks for the following:

1) she wants 10 million dollars

2) she wants to be 18 years old again

3) she wants her faithful tomcat, Tiger, to be turned into a healthy 19 year o...

It’s 1961, and a NASA scientist is sitting in his office when an intern bursts in

“Sir! Sir! The Russians...”

The scientist looks inquisitively at him. “Yes? What about them?”

The intern takes a moment to catch his breath and says, “The Russians have gone into space!”

The scientist jumps out of his chair. “ALL OF THEM?”

“No, just one.”

The scien...

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A scientist was put in charge of developing new methods of assassination for the CIA.

He came up with several ideas, and the director of the CIA came down to see them demonstrated.

He showed off ballpoint pen dart-guns and poisoned bubble gum, but nothing seemed to impress the director. Finally, he stood up to leave.

"I'm going to go take a piss, and then I'm headed bac...

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A man sees an ad in the paper for a Big Dick club.

He decides he wants to join, so he goes to the next meeting.

He walks up to the secretary and says, “I’d like to join the big dick club.”

She responds, “How big is your dick?”

“Eighteen inches.”

The secretary bursts out into uncontrollable laughter. Not knowing what’s w...

A young blonde fears that her boyfriend is seeing another girl...

One day, the girl is visiting her boyfriend's apartment for lunch and stumbles across another woman's discarded garments on his bedroom floor. After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home fin...

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Doctor just told a nun that she is pregnant.

Nun: "Doctor, you can't be serious - I haven't had sex with a man even once in my entire life! I am saving myself for God!"

Doc: "Sorry, but the tests show undoubtedly that you are pregnant..."

Nun leaves the doctor in anger and bursts back into church shouting: "Ok, who in the name of...

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

Boy: What's a palindrome?

Teacher: racecar

{10 years later}

Boy: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where's the palindrome

Getaway driver: [sitting in kayak]

A man in his late twenties was in a car accident... (Long)

The windshield shattered and a piece flew into his eye, blinding him and causing irreparable damage to the eyeball itself. As this man had substantial student loan debt, his doctor could only find one prosthetic eye in his price range and it happened to be made out of wood. To help him deal with thi...

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A woman bursts into her man's room, holding a ticket...

She yell's "I just won 15 million dollars in the powerball Harold! Pack your bags!"
The husband jumps out of his seat "Oh my god! Should I pack for Hot or Cold weather!?"
The wife replies "I don't give a fuck just get the hell out!"

A man wins the lottery.

He bursts through the front door of his home, slams it closed and puts his back to it.
He says excitedly " honey, pack your bags, I won the lottery!
She asks " should I pack for the beach or the mountains?"
He replies " I don't care, just get the hell out!"

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Never will you meet a man like Jeff.

Diana told Jeff she hated to be embarrassed. She broke up with every man she embarrassed herself in front of.

After eating at a resturaunt, Diana unexpectedly burped loudly. Before she could even turn red, Jeff burped so loud the dishes rattled.

While sitting in church, Diana farted. B...

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A man escapes from a prison after 10 long years. He breaks into a house looking for anything that might help him stay on the run.

Inside, he finds an attractive couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the woman to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and the makes passionate love to her for hours. She's moaning in pure bliss despite the terrible circumstances...

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Claude the Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Home.




After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for
the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!




Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes...

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A disheveled man with a shrunken head walks into a bar.

After a few drinks he starts to relax, so the curious bartender feels comfortable enough to inquire about the man's tiny noggin.

"Sorry to be intrusive.. but how did you end up with such a tiny head?" Asks the bartender.

The man replies: "I was the captain of an elite naval vessel pat...

As a crowded airliner is about to take off

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
...

Christopher Nolan was directing a scene when the chopper Batman was flying suddenly burst into flames.

Nolan yelled, "CHRISTIAN, BAIL!!"

A man wins the lottery

He bursts into his bedroom and screams to his wife “WOW, I won! I finally won the lottery! Pack your bags quick”. The woman all excited replied “should I pack for cold or hot weather?” To which the man said “I don’t care as long as you are out of my house by noon”

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A man bursts into a sperm bank, wearing a mask and weilding a gun.

He goes to the woman behind the counter, puts the gun in her face and screams "OPEN THE VAULT!" She timidly stammers, "Sir, this is a sperm bank. There's no money..." He cocks the gun and screams, "I SAID OPEN IT!!!" She reluctantly leads him to the big freezer, "see" she says, "it's just test tubes...

I was in a restaurant last night, when all of sudden, a guy wearing white clothes and a tall white hat burst out of the kitchen. He was ranting, dribbling and touching diners as he passed by. "What the hell was that?!?" I asked the waitress.

She replied, "Oh, the chef's special."

A husband and wife are golfing and almost immediately, the woman is stung by a bee.

As she’s had some bad reactions to bee stings before, the husband runs to the pro shop to get some assistance.

Bursting in, he says to the pro “My wife’s been stung, can you please help?”

The pro replies “Well where was she stung?”

“Between the first and second holes”.

...

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A man bursts into a talent agents office and says

I have a great act for you, ‘I can sing out of my arse’
‘You can sing out if your arse’ exclaims the talent agent. ‘I have to see this!’
So the man climbs up on the agents desk, drops his pants and proceeds to drop a big turd, in the middle of the desk.
The talent agent is furious, ‘I thou...

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An Englishman and an Irishman go out drinking one night....

The Englishman says to the Irishman, " listen paddy I wish I could stay out drinking with you but I'm skint."

Padd
y says, "aye George, I just spent my last few quid too.... but I've got an idea: go up and order two more drinks and a sausage and mash and tell them to put it on a tab." ...

A patient bursts into a doctor’s office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!"

The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll be dealing with you later."

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Studies show that 6 in 10 people suffer from sudden bursts of anger.

The other 4 are FUCKING WANKERS.

I was in bed with this redneck girl when all of a sudden her father, her brother and her boyfriend burst into the room

And boy was he mad.

A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door, a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation
He then looked around the bank and noticed ...

Hate to burst your bubble, but..

the mixture needs more glycerin.

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A manager of a small restaurant just discovered that someone in their town tested positive for COVID-19

The manager calls a meeting of his three employees--an Italian, a Scottsman, and a Japanese man.

The manager says to the Italian, "Sanitize everything in the kitchen!"

The manager then says to the Scottsman, "Make new to-go flyers! All our new dishes need to be on there!"

The ma...

The Pregnant Woman On The Bus (not mine)

Another classic...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughi...

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Three men are captured by a tribe of cannibals

They are each told to go into the forest and bring back ten of any fruit.

The first man returns carrying kiwis, and is told that if he can fit all of them into his ass without making a sound, he will be allowed to live. He manages to get four in, but on the fifth he gasps, and he is taken off...

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So dude wins the lottery...

...comes home. Bursts through the front door beaming!

"Honey! Pack your bags! I hit the jackpot! 323 MILLION DOLLARS!", he exclaims!

His wife begins reeling from the information. Almost fainting she says, "We won the lottery?! Oh my goodness, dear! Where should I pack for? The tr...

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Surprising horse

A couple from London, John, Sarah and their 6 year old son Jimmy, win £8 million on the lottery and they decide to fulfill their lifelong dream - to quit the rat race and buy a farm with animals in the countryside.

They eventually find the property of their dreams and make arrangements to bu...

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A man burst through the front door of his house angry af.

He shouted at his wife "I've just come from the pub. The mailman was there bragging that he'd had sex with every woman on our street except for one. What do you have to say to that?"

She replied "I bet it's Karen from number 37. I always thought she was a frigid bitch"

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So I'm on a plane and the Captain starts his annoying little speech:

He goes, "This is your captain speaking, and we will be cruising at an altitude of 35,000 feet, (Bla, Bla, Bla)"

After the announcement, he forgets to turn off the intercom, and goes to his copilot, "Man, I could really use a blowjob and a cup of coffee."

As the entire plane hears it...

*burst into doctor's office*

ME: I'm no longer canstopetid

DOCTOR: You mean constipated

ME: No I've had a vowel movement

DOCTOR: Get out

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A man bursts into his bedroom, holding a duck....

He is clearly drunk, his wife notices as she wakes up.

"This is the pig I fuck when you've got a headache!" he screams.

"That's a duck, dumbass," his wife replies.

He tells her, "I was talking to the duck!"

The Devil burst through the floor of a church in Brooklyn

He starts roaring and shouting in everyone's face saying, "DOOMS DAY HAS COME AND ALL YOUR SOULS ARE NOW MINE!" And he begins to laugh maniacally.
Everybody runs out screaming in terror except for one old dude who is giving him the evil eye. So The Devils gets right in face and roars his loudest ...

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed.

Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."

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A plane was about to take off when a man burst out of the cockpit naked, yelling

"this is your captain streaking"

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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

Very Long Read:

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversa...

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Two rednecks are at work, digging a trench

Two rednecks, Billy and Bob, are at work digging a trench. The sun is beating down on them, sweat is dripping off their faces, and their hands are blistered from the shovels.

After slogging away at this for days, they start to grumble at the misery of their lot. Eventually Billy says to Bob,...

A man run homes excitedly, burst open the front door and yells to his wife "Honey! I won the lottery, pack your bags!" The wife excitedly jumps up hand grabs her suitcase and begins throwing clothes in it. She says "Ohmygod, that's amazing! Where should I pack for?"

The man replies " I don't care! Just get out!"

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A guy was cutting with an acetylene torch

A guy was cutting with an acetylene torch when suddenly there is a break in the line. The acetelyne starts shooting up his arm and a stray spark ignites it. His arm bursts into flame. He starts running around the shop waving his arm around while it's on fire until someone hits him with the fire exti...

Probably only amusing if you work in construction...

3 construction workers went on a hunting trip - a crane operator, a laborer, and a surveyor. The three spent a good hour walking through the woods, looking for the laborer's tree stand before they realized they were lost. Looking around, they had no way to figure out which way to go to get back to t...

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A man burst into the Elder's tent, saying that his son had spotted a werewolf and it wished to speak to him.

The Elder had the boy lead them all to where he saw it and when they all get there, all they see is a regular wolf, standing patiently at the line of stones that marked the border of the village.

The Elder approached it carefully, eyeing the wolf. "You." He spoke, "Wished to speak to me?"
...

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Three men get lost in a forest and kidnapped by a cannibal tribe...

The chief tells them that since they don't seem to mean any harm, they must pass a test and if they do, he'll let them go free, he'll even point them in the direction of civilization. But if they cannot complete the test, they will be killed and served for dinner. First, he sends each of the men in ...

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I was at the local swimming pool today and was bursting for a piss, so I went down to the deep end, I got caught, the pool attendant blew his whistle so loud.

I nearly fell in.

A woman brings her dead husband to the funeral home

The mortician comes out and says; "Madam, we have prepared everything for your husband's funeral tomorrow. We just wanted your comment on how he should look since mentioned wanting an open casket?"

The wife looks at her husband and bursts in tears; "I'm sorry, but I see you've dressed him in ...

The Legend Of The Bacon Tree

The year is 1541 and the French have just begun colonization in North America. Young Jean-Luc is in his newly crafted home when suddenly his friend Jean-Pierre bursts through his front door. 'Jean Luc!' he exclaims. 'You weel nevar believe! I 'ave 'eard word of a bacon tree!'. Jean-Luc looks confuse...

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An old man passed away whilst having sex

When the police asked his wife how it happened, she burst in to tears.

"You see officer, we always have sex at 12 o clock on sunday when the church bells ring"

"But why when the church bells ring?" Asked the officer

"Its the perfect rhythm. At the first chime he thrusts, at the ...

A robber burst into a bank brandishing a gun and yelled at the teller.

"Give me the money! One false move and you're geography!"

The teller said "Don't you mean history?"

The robber screamed "Don't change the subject!"

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[long] A guy is driving his brand new Ferrari down the streets

A guy is driving his brand new Ferrari down the streets, as he stops at a trafic light, he recognizes an old friend from high shcool driving a barely functionning Fiero. The guy can't resist making fun of his old classmate and his apparent bad luck with money.

*"Hey Mitch, it's been a long ti...

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Big Jake

It's a quiet day in the salloon when a cowboy runs in. With a panicked look on his face, he says, "Everybody run, I just got word that Big Jake is comin' to town!".

The bartender, who's new in town, is shocked to see everybody get up and run out. He grabs a patron by the bar and asks, "What' ...

Sheriff dog bursts into the saloon and says

"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw"

A man bursts into a doctor's office...

...and is frantically looking for the doctor. Finally he finds him in one of the rooms but he is with someone. Still, the man shouts out, "Doctor! Doctor, you have to help me. I think I'm shrinking!"

And the doctor says, "Now, now. You'll just have to be a little patient."

A woman left on a work-cation, leaving her husband behind.

They were childless, but had a cat, whom they loved dearly.
The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was alright.

Her husband replied with a morbid tone, "The cat just died."

She burst into tears and reprimanded her husband, "How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't ...

Rupert Grint bursts into the room, "Mum, I just got a part in the Harry Potter movie!"

"Serious?"

"No, Ron."

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A man walks into a bar

And orders a few drinks. As the night goes on, he notices a sign on the wall.

It reads FREE DRINKS FOR LIFE! TAKE ON THE BAYOU CHALLENGE!

The man asks the bartender about the sign, and the bartender replies.

It’s a challenge to see who the manliest man in the bayou is. If you...

Stranded unfortunately...

##

3 men survive a plane crash in the ocean and wash up on a random remote island. They are soon captured by the local natives who tie them up and keep them captive. After a few days of being tied up, the are brought in front of The Chief. The Chief informs them that they're to go out into t...

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Superhero Nude Beach

Before I write the joke, I wanted to give credit to who it came from. I worked as a reporter very briefly, and we had an older fella that would always tell us one joke a day. He was a great guy and I just wanted to pass on one of his jokes that always stood out to me, so here it is.

If you we...

What do you call ill-mannered burst of strong wind in the desert?

Darude Sandstorm.

Two friends are sitting at a bar, one has schizophrenia. Suddenly the schizophrenic starts bursting out laughing, and it takes a few minutes for him to calm down.

When he finally does, he says "sorry, it's a inside joke".

Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon.

Two American men are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed.

"Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?...

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One day the Emperor decided he wanted to find the best samurai in the world.

So he sent his men around the world, and they came back with three potential options: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor held tryouts to see which was best. First, he brought in the Japanese samurai. As the Japanese samurai strode into the great Hall and a...

I don't want to burst out laughing while surfing Reddit at work...

...so I restrict my browsing to r/funny.

A Man Runs Over a Woman's Cat

Mortified. He picks up the cats body and knocks on the woman's door.

Seeing the cat, she bursts into tears.

"I'm sorry." Said the man, "I didn't see him until it was too late."

Feeling bad for the distraught woman shedding tears, he tries to make it right.

"I'd like to re...

As the navy seals burst into osama bin ladens room in his pakistani compound, his last dying words forever wrung in the ears of the seals...

"It was just a prank bro"

Two long time friends, Ollie and Brock, woke up early for work as they always do.

They each got into their trucks and headed to the local Ag plant where they work as produce haulers.

"What do you have for us today Flower?" asked Brock as they walk in. Their secretary’s real name is Ava but they always jokingly call her Flower.

"Well we've got three shipments that a...

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Inspired by a u/Goshfather writing prompts response

Kotopoulos and Alogos are sitting in a bar in ancient Thebes. Kotopoulos is speaking to his friend saying, “...So I’m looking both ways, and getting ready to cross the street, when all of a sudden—hey, Alogos! Why the long face? I’m tryina tell a story here!”

Suddenly the man sitting on the o...

A hooded bank robber burst into a bank demanding cash

Once his bags were full he started making his way out when a brave soldier ripped his mask off and sees his face. The robber, realizing his face has been exposed, shoots and kills him dead. The robber turns around and sees a bank teller looking him in the eyes so he walks up to him and shoots him ...

Donald Trump, Bernie Sanders and kid from the make a wish foundation are on a plane.

Suddenly, the pilot comes bursting from the cabin with what appears to be a parachute on.
“The engine is gone and we’re minutes from crashing so grab a chute and follow me.
The captain opens the door and takes a leap from the plane. Bernie runs across the plane to grab a parachute but sees t...

What bursts when dropped , but can never be caught

A Fart.

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Biology Class

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.

A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose in male semen as in sugar ?"

"That's correct", responded the prof, going on to add stat...

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What do you call a neo-nazi that's burst into flames

A fire cracker

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A quick-witted man lives near an aloof woman

The woman literally talks to nobody and never changes her face.

One day, the man's friend challenged him, say"If you can use one word to make that woman smile, and one word to make her curse, I'll buy you a good lunch."

The wise man accepted the deal.

They went to the woman's ho...

Once there was a girl named Darling...

... had a particularly rough childhood because of her uncommon name. She always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school and hated her parents for the pain they inflicted on her. By the time she graduated school, however, she overcame her anger and embraced her unusual name finding it brought her so...

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Three men arrive at the gates of heaven but St Peter says that heaven is kinda full and, for whatever reason, they’re only letting in the people that have died in the most traumatic way...

So the first man steps forward and says “That’s me! I was convinced my wife was cheating and left work early to catch her in the act. I burst into the bedroom and find her in bed, the sheets are a mess, the smell of sex is in the air, but she swears she was just sleeping, I search the apartment high...

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A daughter asks her dad if she can invite some friends over for a sleepover

Later that evening, he overhears them playing a game of "Truth or Dare", and his daughter is asked when was the last time she had an orgasm, to which she responds "3 days ago", at which point the father bursts into the room and yells "I knew you were faking it last night!"

A masked thief bursts into a bank...

As he climbs over the counter his balaclava catches and comes off for a second, before he quickly puts it back on.

The thief says to the cashier "did you see my face?", the cashier says "yes, I did!". Then the thief shoots her dead.

The thief then goes up to a customer and says "did yo...

A flower shop burst into flame...

It was a florist fire.

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A very depressed man goes to the proctologist

“Ya know doc, life seems harsh and cruel. I feel all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. I don’t know what to do.”

The doctor says, “Son, I don’t really know what to tell you, but I have a suggestion for some simple treatment... The great clown Pagliacci...

Who's the bravest in the military

At a NATO conference in Washington DC one year, British, French, and US Generals were discussing who had the bravest soldiers.
The French General told one of his soldiers to run out into the path of on coming traffic.....the soldier did, and was killed. The General said, "Now that is bravery" ...

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