Breaking News Jokes - 96 Hilarious Breaking News Jokes

Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall

On the condition he gets to install windows.

Breaking news...

A nine year old girl has disappeared after using moisturiser that makes you look ten years younger.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS! Viagra as treatment for sunburns...

It doesn't cure it but it sure keeps the sheets off of your legs at night...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Breaking News: Elon Musk & Bill Gates have joined hands

to make a Penis Enhancer.....They will call it
ELONGATES

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist, he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.

Edit: Wow! Thank you for all of the awards, I didn't anticipate that. Some people need to relax though. This is just a freakin' joke, not the agenda of a movement.

Also,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS: A man was admitted to the hospital today with 25 plastic toy horses inserted in his rectum.

Doctors have described his condition as stable.

Breaking News: There was a break in at the police station today and the toilet was stolen.

The police have nothing to go on.

BREAKING NEWS!! Cheese Factory Explosion...

De-Brie is everywhere!

Breaking News: The CEO of IKEA has been elected Prime Minister of Sweden.

He's currently assembling his cabinet.

Breaking News! Cartoonist found dead in his home.

Details are sketchy

Breaking news: Germany is advising people to stock up on sausages and cheese.

This is starting to look like the Wurst Käse scenario.

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered an amazing fact about icebergs...

More below.

Breaking News: Local Kindergarten reports major Peek-a-Boo accident.

All involved were rushed to the ICU

BREAKING NEWS ! Mary Poppins will no longer be endorsing ‘Rimmel Vibrant Shades’ lipstick - she claims it “breaks too easily” and it “makes her breath smell”.

She gave the following statement:

“The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis”..

Breaking News Trump’s personal library just burned down

The fire consumed both books and he hasn’t even finished coloring the second one

In breaking news, Triple Crown winner Justify has turned down an invitation to White House.

When asked why he answered, “If I wanted to see a horse’s ass, I would have finished second.”

Breaking news: Yevgeny Prigozhin of the Wagner Group has installed Linux on his computer.

He's trying to stay away from Windows.

BREAKING News: Government declares Halloween a nationwide statutory holiday. All workers eligible.

For the first time ever, Halloween will be staffed by a skeleton crew!

Breaking News: In a press media briefing, United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz has stated...

"Since we cannot beat our competitors, we have resorted to beating our customers".

Breaking News

At Miami International Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.

Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement which h...

Breaking News

Authorities uncover fraudulent claims from the makers of dandruff shampoo stating "This just scratches the surface!"

BREAKING NEWS

1000 men entered Jordan last night

She said she will be fine after a bit of rest

BREAKING NEWS

The inventor of predictive text was injured in a traffic accident.

He's been bacon by ambience to the horse piddle.

[BREAKING NEWS] There’s been a kidnapping at Lakewood Elementary School today

It’s ok, he woke up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Breaking news: An entire shipment of Viagra has been stolen

The police is looking for a gang of hardened criminals

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Breaking News:

In a shock move,The English Cricket Board have announced tennis World No.1 Novak Djokovic as temporary batting coach.

"We acknowledge he doesn't no fuck all about Cricket, but we couldn't overlook the fact it took Australia two weeks to get him out."

Breaking News: Local man hit his wife with a power cell which had its top and bottom coated in electrolytes

He has been arrested for a salt-end battery.

Breaking News: Reddit has employed Radiohead as moderators

Or should they be called Karma Police?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Breaking News: Elderly nuns commit suicide by viagra overdose

Old habits die hard.

Breaking News: NFL responds to lost revenue from kneeling controversy

Breaking News: The NFL announced today that because of lost revenue due to kneeling, an NFL Team had to be cut. Tampa Bay and the Green Bay Packers will be combining forming the Tampacks. They will be good for only one period and will have no second string...

<<BREAKING NEWS>> Apple has decided to cancel the children's iPod.

Apparently iTouch kids isn't a good product name.

Breaking News

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat.The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right.
Her husband said: The cat just died.
She burst into tears and said: How could you be so blunt? Why c...

BREAKING NEWS from the courtroom! Amber Heard confesses to having a child with Charlie Sheen. The child went to live with his father and took his name.

Both parents agreed the child should be sheen and not heard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS Thieves have allegedly broken into the laboratory at Pfizer to try and steal the new Covid-19 vaccine...

They apparently took a case of viagra instead. The police are looking for a group of hardened criminals.

Breaking news!

The Russian flagship Moskva has been upgraded to a submarine!

Breaking News!

I just dropped a ceramic plate.

Breaking news

Vladymir Putin will marry his girlfriend Eva on April 28th in a private ceremony underneath the Kremlin. A policy change is expected soon after.

Breaking news

Italy is planning to launch 2 new communications satellites in the next year.

They're named Data-1 and Dissa-1.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Breaking News: Madman destroys butter factory!

Some people just want to watch the world churn...

BREAKING NEWS: Children are expected to get significantly lower number of gifts year.

It was reported that stocking up of gifts has been tremendously affected as the balloon transports owned by Santa Logistics has already been shot down 3 times in the last one week.

BREAKING NEWS

A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.

Breaking News: Energizer Bunny Arrested

Charged with battery

In breaking news

Corduroy pillows are making head lines.

#Breaking news

A clown recently had to retire earlier this week.
#
After sustaining an injury, the clown was found to have broken his funny bone.
#
Looks like he got the last laugh.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Breaking News.

News reporters are shitting bricks.

A new covid variant.

"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwlllantysiliogogogoch."

Has been identified in Wales.

(For those that are confused, the above is a real place in Wales.)

(And News reporters would have to pronounce it...

Breaking News: Al-Gebra Operative Arrested

A man was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport , New York, as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Jeff Sessions said he believes the man is a member o...

BREAKING NEWS!

Man gets hit by a rental car.

Says, “It Hertz.”

Breaking news just in. A cement mixer has collided with a prison van on the highway,

Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals

BREAKING NEWS!

Willie Nelson got hit by a car last night.

He was playing on the road again....

Breaking news.

Black guy shot with a starting pistol.

Police think it's race related!!!

Breaking news

Charlie Sheen has tested positive for every disease except corona virus

BREAKING NEWS!

Two tanker ships collided and sank in the southern Pacific Ocean yesterday. One was filled with red paint and the other, smaller tanker, was filled with blue paint. All crew members survived but now are marooned on an uninhabited island.

(Thanks to The Two Ronnies for this oldie)

Breaking News: The Chinese President and the Russian President have had their first lovechild…

Named Winnie the Pootin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS!!!!

A woman is in the process of suing one of the country's leading hospitals, stating that following treatment her husband has lost all interest in sex with her.
The hospital concerned in their defence stated: "We merely rectified his vision."

BREAKING NEWS: Music shop burns down.

Scores injured.

Breaking News

Local police are seeking a shoplifter who attacked a store this lunch time but was tackled by a have-a-go shopkeep with his labelling gun.

Officers say they're seeking a man with a price on his head.

- RIP Ronnie Corbett.

Breaking news: Plastic knives to be redundant

They simply aren’t cutting it anymore

CNN BREAKING NEWS:

Anonymous hero donates hospital 200 human kidneys.

Breaking news KIM JONG UN just lost 50 lbs

He is now addressed as Slim Jong Un

Breaking News: Wal-Mart to close 400 stores in the US

Sources say it would put 12 cashiers out of work

BREAKING NEWS! R. Kelly has…

Tested positive for she-wasn’t 19

Breaking news: Conspiracy against trump confirmed.

In a recent study of ballots it has become apparent that there was in fact a Conspiracy during the election.

Turns out it was way worse than the Republicans first thought though, it is now believed that a massive conspiracy involving some 81 million American adults conspired together against ...

Breaking news :NASA wants first person to reach Mars, to be a woman.

So that when men arrive, dinner would be ready.

"BREAKING NEWS- Potus now has Covid"

Genie- "Okay, now what are your other two wishes?"

Breaking news

This morning saw what will probably become the worst air disaster in the Midwest. An ultralight single-seater plane crashed into a cemetery in Stockholm, Wisconsin. So far, the search and rescue teams have recovered 1736 bodies and as the digging continues into the night, we can only expect that num...

BREAKING NEWS! A hurricane has just hit New Jersey...

It has inflicted about $25,000 worth of improvement.

I just took a Polaroid of a breaking news event!

How come when NASA shows pictures of their black hole, it’s “breaking news”

But when I show pictures of mine it’s an “HR violation”

Breaking news: Philadelphia Cream Cheese's New Ad Slams Competitor Brand's product!

It's just a regular smear campaign.

BREAKING NEWS! CORONAVIRUS!

Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stock piled "just in case"....

BREAKING NEWS.. Isis suicide bomber has killed 78

of his family in his two bedroom flat. He had taken government advice and was working from home

Breaking News: James Bond cancels Beijing tour

Because this is No Time to Die.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Breaking News on the NYSE

Pfizer Corp. (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will
soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola (Pepsi
Bottling Group NYSE PBG) as a power beverage suitable for use as-is, or as
a mixer, under the name "Mount And Do". Pepsi's proposed ad c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Breaking news: Man dies after overdosing on viagra.

His wife took it very hard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS: Bruce Willis found dead surrounded by 70 empty Viagra bottles.

Looks like he...died hard.

BREAKING NEWS: Texas A&M Library burns to ground...

Both books were completely destroyed.
The worst part is, one of them wasn't even colored in yet.

Breaking news: Mitch Hedberg dead at 48

Has been dead since 37, but is still dead, too.

Breaking News in North Korea: 11.47PM - 1 active Covid case detected !

Update at 11.48PM - 0 active Covid cases

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Breaking news : ISIS has surrendered

As soon as they read that Hugh Hefner has died , they realized there won't be any more virgins left for them in heaven, and have laid down their arms and will lead peaceful lives with their current wives .

BREAKING NEWS: hole blasted into women's restroom

Officers are looking into it

Breaking news!

Corona Virus claims a black belt. Chuck Norris, Dead at 80.

Carlos Ray “Chuck” Norris, famous actor and fighter, died yesterday afternoon at his home in Northwood Hills, TX at the age of 80.

Chuck Starred in dozens of movies and Tv series which have, and continue to entertain millions ...

BREAKING NEWS: Ethiopian falls into crocodile pond

17 crocodiles confirmed dead so far, with Ethiopian still actively feeding.

BREAKING NEWS: The president was found in his office after trying to commit suicide, his statement:

"Fake noose."

Breaking News: Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and North Korea to send a joint expeditionary force...

...to Washington D.C. in order to bring peace, democracy and the rule of law to the troubled nation of United States of America.

Breaking News: Putin orders full investigation and promises severe punishment for whoever poisoned opposition politician Navalny...

insufficiently.

BREAKING NEWS: Elon Musk Announces All SpaceX Flights To Mars Cancelled

Martian officials say borders closed until CoronaVirus is under control.

Breaking news: Sean Connery had a bunch of books fall on him.

When asked what happened, he said, "I'm ok, I only have my shelf to blame."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Breaking News...

The inventor of the Anagram has died...may he "erect a penis"....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS: Post Malone announces he will only be scheduling shows Monday thru Saturday

Guess there's no Post on Sundays

Breaking News: Snoopy has officially been retired from comics.

He was tired of working for Peanuts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Breaking news: £500,000 worth of red bull stolen in The UK

How do those bastards sleep at night?

Breaking News: The Washington Redskins have changed their name.

They will now be called the DC Redskins.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Breaking News:

As if it isnt broken fucking enough

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS : URANUS IS NOT A PLANET

..... you're sitting on it.

Breaking News: Supreme court has ruled that basic intelligence tests for Election voting is Discriminatory.

The judge said that it is unfair to block all Republicans from voting.

Breaking News: Thieves break into Wig Factory; Steal 500 pounds of hair.

When questioned by the press, the owner said, "When these guys are caught, there's gonna be hell toupee!"

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.