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Breaking News Jokes

Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall

On the condition he gets to install windows.

Breaking News Trump’s personal library just burned down

The fire consumed both books and he hasn’t even finished coloring the second one

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Breaking News: Elon Musk & Bill Gates have joined hands

to make a Penis Enhancer.....They will call it
ELONGATES

BREAKING NEWS: Ghislaine Maxwell, former on again / off again partner of Epstein, has been arrested by the FBI.

In other news, Prince Andrew has just suffered a heart attack, Bill Clinton has suddenly developed Alzheimer’s, and all prison guards at Maxwell’s detention centre have suddenly had to take long naps...

Breaking News! Cartoonist found dead in his home.

Details are sketchy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS! Viagra as treatment for sunburns...

It doesn't cure it but it sure keeps the sheets off of your legs at night...

Breaking News: Local man hit his wife with a power cell which had its top and bottom coated in electrolytes

He has been arrested for a salt-end battery.

Breaking News: The founder of r/Jokes has been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize

Well, they did create the world’s most dedicated recycling community, didn’t they?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Breaking news: A man was admitted to the hospital with 25 toy horses shoved up his rectum…

Doctors described his condition as stable.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist, he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.





Edit: Wow! Thank you for all of the awards, I didn't anticipate that. Some people need to relax though. This is just a freakin' joke, not the agenda of a movement.

Also,...

Breaking News: Reddit has employed Radiohead as moderators

Or should they be called Karma Police?

BREAKING NEWS: Man arrested due to possessing a stolen calendar

He got twelve months

[BREAKING NEWS] There’s been a kidnapping at Lakewood Elementary School today

It’s ok, he woke up.

Breaking news...

A nine year old girl has disappeared after using moisturiser that makes you look ten years younger.

BREAKING NEWS from the courtroom! Amber Heard confesses to having a child with Charlie Sheen. The child went to live with his father and took his name.

Both parents agreed the child should be sheen and not heard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Breaking News!!

Cross-Eyed circumsiser gets the sack.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Breaking News: Elderly nuns commit suicide by viagra overdose

Old habits die hard.

Breaking news!

The Russian flagship Moskva has been upgraded to a submarine!

Breaking news: Germany is advising people to stock up on sausages and cheese.

This is starting to look like the Wurst Käse scenario.

Breaking News!

I just dropped a ceramic plate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Breaking News:

In a shock move,The English Cricket Board have announced tennis World No.1 Novak Djokovic as temporary batting coach.

"We acknowledge he doesn't no fuck all about Cricket, but we couldn't overlook the fact it took Australia two weeks to get him out."

Breaking News: The Chinese President and the Russian President have had their first lovechild…

Named Winnie the Pootin.

Breaking News

Ne ws

BREAKING NEWS ! Mary Poppins will no longer be endorsing ‘Rimmel Vibrant Shades’ lipstick - she claims it “breaks too easily” and it “makes her breath smell”.

She gave the following statement:

“The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis”..

Breaking News

At Miami International Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.

Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement which h...

Breaking news

Vladymir Putin will marry his girlfriend Eva on April 28th in a private ceremony underneath the Kremlin. A policy change is expected soon after.

Breaking News: The CEO of IKEA has been elected Prime Minister of Sweden.

He's currently assembling his cabinet.

Breaking News: Local Kindergarten reports major Peek-a-Boo accident.

All involved were rushed to the ICU

In breaking news, Triple Crown winner Justify has turned down an invitation to White House.

When asked why he answered, “If I wanted to see a horse’s ass, I would have finished second.”

Breaking News

Authorities uncover fraudulent claims from the makers of dandruff shampoo stating "This just scratches the surface!"

Breaking news

Italy is planning to launch 2 new communications satellites in the next year.

They're named Data-1 and Dissa-1.

BREAKING NEWS: There was an explosion at the local cheese factory!

Da Brie is everywhere.

Breaking news just in. A cement mixer has collided with a prison van on the highway,

Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals

Breaking News: NFL responds to lost revenue from kneeling controversy

Breaking News: The NFL announced today that because of lost revenue due to kneeling, an NFL Team had to be cut. Tampa Bay and the Green Bay Packers will be combining forming the Tampacks. They will be good for only one period and will have no second string...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS Thieves have allegedly broken into the laboratory at Pfizer to try and steal the new Covid-19 vaccine...

They apparently took a case of viagra instead. The police are looking for a group of hardened criminals.

Breaking News - Devon and Cornwall Music Festival

The Devon and Cornwall Music Festival due to take place this weekend has had to be cancelled. They couldn't decide who to put on first, The Jam or Cream

Breaking News !!!

Breaking News !!!

A man who took an airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.

Breaking News: Energizer Bunny Arrested

Charged with battery

Breaking News in North Korea: 11.47PM - 1 active Covid case detected !

Update at 11.48PM - 0 active Covid cases

Breaking news: Amidst all the chaos, Eminem just got kicked out of a very high end bar.

Apparantly he asked the bartender for 4 shots but the bartender refused service and said you only get one shot.

In breaking news

Corduroy pillows are making head lines.

Breaking news! Snow White down to six dwarves...

...Sneezy has been quarentined by the CDC

<<BREAKING NEWS>> Apple has decided to cancel the children's iPod.

Apparently iTouch kids isn't a good product name.

BREAKING NEWS! R. Kelly has…

Tested positive for she-wasn’t 19

Breaking news :NASA wants first person to reach Mars, to be a woman.

So that when men arrive, dinner would be ready.

BREAKING NEWS: The president was found in his office after trying to commit suicide, his statement:

"Fake noose."

Breaking News: Putin orders full investigation and promises severe punishment for whoever poisoned opposition politician Navalny...

insufficiently.

Breaking News: In a press media briefing, United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz has stated...

"Since we cannot beat our competitors, we have resorted to beating our customers".

Breaking news! A group of ornithologists have recently published a study concerning the primary cause of death among Swallows:

Apparently, they don’t chew their food.

Breaking News

This just in, world renowned artist Paul Jacobson has been disqualified from this year's Animal Photography Championship due to use of performance enhancing drugs.

This determined after the discovery of polaroids smuggled within his travel bag.

How come when NASA shows pictures of their black hole, it’s “breaking news”

But when I show pictures of mine it’s an “HR violation”

Breaking news KIM JONG UN just lost 50 lbs

He is now addressed as Slim Jong Un

BREAKING NEWS!

Man gets hit by a rental car.

Says, “It Hertz.”

BREAKING NEWS

The inventor of predictive text was injured in a traffic accident.

He's been bacon by ambience to the horse piddle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

*BREAKING NEWS* A baby is born without eyelids, and doctors use his foreskin to replace them.

The surgery was a success. The baby should make a full recovery, but he will always be a little cockeyed.

#Breaking news

A clown recently had to retire earlier this week.
#
After sustaining an injury, the clown was found to have broken his funny bone.
#
Looks like he got the last laugh.

Breaking News: Wal-Mart to close 400 stores in the US

Sources say it would put 12 cashiers out of work

Breaking News: Study finds that the average man says 10,000 words a day, while women say 20,000.

Woman: That’s because we have to repeat everything we say!

Man: What?

Breaking News: police station toilet stolen

Cops have nothing to go on.

Breaking news: Conspiracy against trump confirmed.

In a recent study of ballots it has become apparent that there was in fact a Conspiracy during the election.

Turns out it was way worse than the Republicans first thought though, it is now believed that a massive conspiracy involving some 81 million American adults conspired together against ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS: A shipment of Viagra has just been stolen

The police are still on the lookout for the hardened criminals

[BREAKING NEWS] After recount, Trump was found to be the winner in another state

State of denial

Breaking News: Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and North Korea to send a joint expeditionary force...

...to Washington D.C. in order to bring peace, democracy and the rule of law to the troubled nation of United States of America.

Breaking News: Al-Gebra Operative Arrested

A man was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport , New York, as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Jeff Sessions said he believes the man is a member o...

Breaking News

Vinn Diesel is now married to the voice actor who voiced Ariel in Disney’s The Little Mermaid. They wanted a big, luxurious wedding but with everything going on they opted for a small, private ceremony. Not because of Corona Virus; but because they didn’t want anyone catching a Vinn-Ariel disease.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Breaking News: Japanese researchers have developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast...

It can actually capture an image of a woman with her mouth shut.

Breaking News

Local police are seeking a shoplifter who attacked a store this lunch time but was tackled by a have-a-go shopkeep with his labelling gun.

Officers say they're seeking a man with a price on his head.

- RIP Ronnie Corbett.

Breaking news.

Black guy shot with a starting pistol.

Police think it's race related!!!

BREAKING NEWS: EMINEM just convert to Islam.

He is the real Muslim Shady.

BREAKING NEWS! A hurricane has just hit New Jersey...

It has inflicted about $25,000 worth of improvement.

Breaking news: Plastic knives to be redundant

They simply aren’t cutting it anymore

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS: Post Malone announces he will only be scheduling shows Monday thru Saturday

Guess there's no Post on Sundays

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS: Bruce Willis found dead surrounded by 70 empty Viagra bottles.

Looks like he...died hard.

Breaking news: Sean Connery had a bunch of books fall on him.

When asked what happened, he said, "I'm ok, I only have my shelf to blame."

BREAKING NEWS!

Two tanker ships collided and sank in the southern Pacific Ocean yesterday. One was filled with red paint and the other, smaller tanker, was filled with blue paint. All crew members survived but now are marooned on an uninhabited island.

(Thanks to The Two Ronnies for this oldie)

Breaking news: Philadelphia Cream Cheese's New Ad Slams Competitor Brand's product!

It's just a regular smear campaign.

BREAKING NEWS!

Willie Nelson got hit by a car last night.

He was playing on the road again....

Breaking News

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat.The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right.
Her husband said: The cat just died.
She burst into tears and said: How could you be so blunt? Why c...

Breaking News: Supreme court has ruled that basic intelligence tests for Election voting is Discriminatory.

The judge said that it is unfair to block all Republicans from voting.

Breaking News: The Washington Redskins have changed their name.

They will now be called the DC Redskins.

I just took a Polaroid of a breaking news event!

More on this story as it develops

Breaking news! Chuck Norris has been confirmed to be exposed to COVID-19

and the virus has now been eradicated.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Breaking news: Man dies after overdosing on viagra.

His wife took it very hard

Breaking news: Rare time traveling bloodthirsty Fire elemental wolves spotted in Russia!

In Soviet Russia, the hot dogs eat you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Breaking news: £500,000 worth of red bull stolen in The UK

How do those bastards sleep at night?

Breaking News: All liquids in Switzerland are being converted to a pH of 7

The government were asked if they thought this was good idea. They claimed to be neutral

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS!!!!

A woman is in the process of suing one of the country's leading hospitals, stating that following treatment her husband has lost all interest in sex with her.
The hospital concerned in their defence stated: "We merely rectified his vision."

Breaking news!

Corona Virus claims a black belt. Chuck Norris, Dead at 80.

Carlos Ray “Chuck” Norris, famous actor and fighter, died yesterday afternoon at his home in Northwood Hills, TX at the age of 80.

Chuck Starred in dozens of movies and Tv series which have, and continue to entertain millions ...

BREAKING NEWS! CORONAVIRUS!

Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stock piled "just in case"....

Breaking News: A ship carrying red paint just collided with a ship carrying purple paint, in the South China Sea.

Authorities report that the crews of both ships are marooned

Breaking news

Charlie Sheen has tested positive for every disease except corona virus

Breaking news: A helicopter has crash landed into a cemetery in Ireland

The pilots didn't survive, and so far local police have recovered 956 bodies.

BREAKING NEWS: Texas A&M Library burns to ground...

Both books were completely destroyed.
The worst part is, one of them wasn't even colored in yet.

Breaking News: Coup Underway - Trump takes control of senate and declares martial law!

Oh wait... That was Palpatine.
False alarm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Breaking News: Louis C.K. makes first published statement regarding the recent alligations of sexual misconduct.

"I'm Gay."

Breaking news: Mitch Hedberg dead at 48

Has been dead since 37, but is still dead, too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS : Buddy, the golden retriever from "Air Bud", makes his response to the accusations of sex assault

"I don't even know that bitch"

BREAKING NEWS: NASA announces Mars Rover discovered new feline-like life form on the Red Planet

Unfortunately, it ran over the newly discovered creature. Yes, it seems Curiosity killed the cat.

Breaking News: Snoopy has officially been retired from comics.

He was tired of working for Peanuts.

Breaking news from Egypt: they found a tomb covered in chocolate and nuts.

They said it was a Pharaoh Rocher.

BREAKING NEWS

YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook are merging.

It will be called "YouTwitFace".

BREAKING NEWS: Ethiopian falls into crocodile pond

17 crocodiles confirmed dead so far, with Ethiopian still actively feeding.

[BREAKING NEWS] A bomb has just exploded in a Paris cheese shop.

Eyewitnesses report there is currently de Brie all over the place.

Breaking news: The Irish have come up with a new use for sheep.

Wool.

Breaking news

This morning saw what will probably become the worst air disaster in the Midwest. An ultralight single-seater plane crashed into a cemetery in Stockholm, Wisconsin. So far, the search and rescue teams have recovered 1736 bodies and as the digging continues into the night, we can only expect that num...

Breaking News: A truck loaded with Vicks vapor rub overturned on the highway.

Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.

BREAKING NEWS: Young man crashed into the back of a semi and died on the way to see a movie his friends recommended to him.

He didn’t see the trailer.

BREAKING NEWS: hole blasted into women's restroom

Officers are looking into it

Breaking News! Ursula the Sea Witch has taken over and destroyed the local shoe factory. There were no survivors.

Those poor unfortunate soles.

Breaking News: Thieves break into Wig Factory; Steal 500 pounds of hair.

When questioned by the press, the owner said, "When these guys are caught, there's gonna be hell toupee!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Breaking News on the NYSE

Pfizer Corp. (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will
soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola (Pepsi
Bottling Group NYSE PBG) as a power beverage suitable for use as-is, or as
a mixer, under the name "Mount And Do". Pepsi's proposed ad c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Breaking News:

As if it isnt broken fucking enough

BREAKING NEWS: Just in from a correspondent in the Middle East.

ISIS to buy all Samsung Galaxy Note 7. #note7

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Breaking news...Justin Trudeau just announced a plan to build a wall between the US and Canada, with the US paying for the fence.

...yeah just as fucking stupid as as it sounds:(

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