Not paying for a meal is called a Dine and Dash..

Surely not paying for a haircut is a cut and run?

Ordered takeout from Door Dash and offered the Dasher some fries.

"Nah, I'm good. I already had some"

If I buy a Prius, I’ll make sure to put a bobblehead Yoda figurine on the dash

Then I’ll have a toy Yoda in my Toyota.

Is it OK to hate certain races?

Try as I might I just can't get myself to like the 200 meter dash.

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100m Dash

A girl says to her friend "The last time I had sex was like the 100 meter dash"

Her friend says "What, over in 6 seconds?"

"No, with 8 black men and a gun."

What do you call a group of impotent men running the 50m dash?

The olimpdicks

I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

Having only ever competed in the 100m dash, what did the professional sprinter say after his first 200m race?

I've finally turned a corner in my career.

What did the owner of the Italian restaurant say to the bald man that was trying to dine-and-dash?

You need a toupee!

What do you call several blonde hair blue-eyed men doing the 100 meter dash?

The superior race

Timmy loved tractors. His life was all about tractors.

Timmy loved tractors. His life was all about tractors. Tractor bedspread, tractor themed birthday parties, tractor t-shirts, school bags, lunchbox, everything Timmy owned was tractor themed in some way. He knew everything there was to know about tractors; big, small, new, old, he knew it all. When h...

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I don't normally make fun of somebody's race, but someone has to say it.

FUCK the 100 meter dash. It's just a weaker version of every other race.

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Guy driving down a highway sees a chicken with three legs overtaking him. He floors it

and the chicken stays ahead of him. He’s never seen anything like it, so he follows the chicken but it speeds up, 60, 80, 100 mph! He can barely keep it in sight, but sees it get off the highway and then, at the last second, sees it dash into a farmyard. He skids to a stop and sees the chicken run u...

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After a rather careless plane crash where everyone was killed, the two pilots responsible were escorted to Satan to choose their eternal damnation.

Satan told the pilots they could choose either door number 1 or door number 2 for their sin of killing innocent people.

"Take your time," he said, "you've got forever to suffer it."

So the pilots look behind door number 1 and it's a freezing cold, blizzard of a hell. They look at each ...

I'm an aspiring music producer. The other day, I got recognized as I was driving around.

They said "Hey, aren't you our door dash driver?!" I gave them their food and drove away.

What happens if you take a popular website, add a dash of censorship, and allow the discretionary system of control to be based on the biases of individuals...

[This post is locked. You won't be able to comment.]

Did you know 'cyka blyat' is Russian for 'watch out'?

That's what I learnt from watching dash cam videos.

What do you call an English one night stand?

Banger and Dash

I’m not racist, but some races are simply inherently more important than others.

For example, the presidential race is much more important than some 100m dash.

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you ar...

Some well-intended people like to use a lot of hyphens in their writing, but not me.

I prefer just a dash

The Day I Was Followed:

So this was really weird: The other day I'm just cruising along, minding my own business, forgetting all my troubles... and all of a sudden I notice some guy behind me out of the corner of my eye.

At first I don't really think anything of it but after a little bit I look back and he's still ...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead rob a bank..

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decide to rob a bank. Everything goes well-they have their masks on, the bank hands over the money-awesome.

Exiting the bank, they hear sirens and see several cop cars round the corner, so they dash into a small alleyway.

The cops are quick though, a...

The difference between Canadian and American men...

Back during WWII, an American GI met a Canadian soldier fighting along side him. The two fought together throughout the war and both made it home safely.

After the war, the two returned to their respective homes and decided to marry their respective sweethearts. The two became such good fri...

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Nude beach

A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.

After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be rea...

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The cocky exponential function e^x is strolling along the road insulting the functions he sees walking by.

He scoffs at a wandering polynomial for the shortness of its Taylor series. He snickers at a passing smooth function of compact support and its glaring lack of a convergent power series about many of its points. He positively laughs as he passes |x| for being nondifferentiable at the origin. He smil...

Converting a Bear to the Faith

A rabbi, priest, and a preacher meet every Monday in a coffee shop to talk things over about their spiritual life.

One day, the priest makes a bet with the other guys that he could convert a bear in the woods over to his religion. The others nod and say "Yeah, I'll bet we could do it quicker...

A Jewish bookie was at the races playing the ponies and losing his shirt.

He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot - won the race.

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track.

Sure enough, he blessed one of the ...

What do you do when you have 10 minutes to complete your math test?

Geometry dash

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Moral of the story

There was a fly buzzing over a lake. In this lake was a fish. This fish was thinking to himself, "Man, if that fly would come down 6 inches, I could jump up and eat that fly."

Behind a bush near the lake sat a bear. The bear looked at the fish, then at the fly, then back at the fish, and then...

In response to the invitation for a rather unusual REUNION of all time greats

* Newton said he'd drop in.
* Socrates said he'd think about it.
* Ohm resisted the idea.
* Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
* Darwin said he'd wait to see what evolved.
* Pierre and Marie Curie radiated enthusiasm.
* Volta was electrified at the prospect.
* Pavlov pos...

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If Dr. Seuss wrote instruction manuals.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-...

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3 navigators land on a foreign island in the middle of the ocean.

The 3 men, one from Japan, one from France and the last from Australia, run onto the sand, immediately feeling the intense heat that the sun was giving off. After hiking for around half an hour, the travelers spot a beautiful oasis at the bottom of the hill. They all make a mad dash towards it, eage...

When is a door not a door?

When it is ajar.


Edit (back story): the origin of this joke came from a road trip back when I was in highschool (about 17 years ago). My buddy left the car door open and the dash displayed "the door is ajar". He thought it was funny, since we're use to seeing the "door open" icon and woul...

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A man from Wyoming and a man from California are driving across Wyoming in a pickup truck. [NSFW]

It’s boring, it’s flat, they haven’t seen anything interesting in hours.

Eventually, they find a sheep with its head stuck in a fence. The man from Wyoming looks over at the man from California with a crazy grin and says “watch this”.

The man from Wyoming pulls the truck over, climbs...

3 drunk guys entered the taxi

The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, ''We have reached our destination''. The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said ''Thank you!.'' The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd guy knew what he did...

B'dum tsss

A collection of jokes I have found over the years about drummers.

**NOTE:** Before you get offended, I AM A DRUMMER. I FIND THESE FUNNY TOO.

1. What do you call a drummer in a suit? The defendant
2. How can you tell a drummer's at the door? The knocking speeds up
3. What do you c...

If you're ever in a hurry...

Put your fidget spinner on your dash, then just use the handicapped parking.

I like to be positive

Even though I'm unemployed and recently got evicted, I could still destroy Stephen Hawking in a 100m dash.

A priest , rabbi, and televangelist were at a bar.

Every Monday night a priest , a rabbi, and a televangelist meet at a bar and argue about who's people are the true chosen people. God is there drinking and comes to the three and says "You guys argue about this every Monday and it's getting old. Here's what we are going to do, you three will go the ...

I added Paul Walker on Xbox...

...But he spends all his time on the dash board.

Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman...

Join the crusades and have been caught in the Bazaars of Constantinople by the Saracen Army. Dodging in between the shops they spy an alleyway and dash down it. Seeing its a dead end they look for a place to hide. They notice three large wicker baskets they all jump in one and with baited breath wai...

Did you know princess diana was on the radio during her car accident?

She was also on the dash, windshield and the hood

A homeless cat kept trying to get into the Armstrong's house.

The couple were heading out for a vacation. The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house with the suitcases, they notice the cat dash into the house. So the husband goes back inside to chase it out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the...

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The Detroit Lions are starting their season on a big losing streak . . .

because the coach can’t get a decent quarterback. He’s tried drilling the team’s younger talent, trading players, and he still doesn’t get anywhere. Then one night on the news there’s a Taliban uprising. He sees one young Taliban dash into the square and throw a Molotov cocktail twenty-five yards...

Signalman

Gary wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Gary says, "I would switch the points for o...

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A Health and Safety Christmas Message

Please be advised that all employees planning to dash though the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only o...

What did the underscore say when he got up to leave?

Gotta Dash!

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Cheryl is very unsatisfied with the size of her breasts...

Cheryl is very unsatisfied with the size of her breasts but is unable to afford the augmentation surgery. Fortunately, a friend tells her about a doctor that has developed a method for enlargement that doesn't require surgery and happens to be very affordable.

During the examination, the doc...

A Man Meets a Waitress at a Chinese Restaurant

After striking up a conversation, he finds out she is an active redditor on /r/jokes. Due to her kind personality and mastery of humor, he asks her out and they soon fall in love. When she eventually meets his family, they are truly taken with her. The family loves her jokes, and she also laughs hea...

A pretty girl walks into a mathematician's and engineer's lab...

... and says she will bang whichever of them shows the most athletic or intelligent talent. Since they are equally smart, they decide to go 3/5 on a few different exercises at the gym. The first exercise is chin-ups, which the engineer wins. The second is long jump, which the mathematician wins. The...

A snake slithers into a bar

The snake winds it way up to the counter, coils its loops over the bar stool, and orders a double martini. The bartender places it before the snake, who extends a scaly coil, only to knock the drink off and dash it to pieces on the floor.

With deliberate patience, the bartender pours a second...

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Then there was the Olympic Sprinter that tested positive for Viagra....

He tripped during the 100m Dash and won gold in the pole vault.

A guy walks into a tattoo parlor

He gets a nice tattoo of his daughters name. The guy comes back the next week and gets just a dash on his arm. He keeps coming back each week getting another dash.

Eventually the tattoo artist asks him what he's doing. The guy replies "Keeping count."

"Of what?" the tattoo artist asks....

John went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull.

John went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull. The loan was made and Banker Bill , who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing. John complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. The Banker suggested that he have a veterinarian take ...

I dreamt I was being chased by a bizarre sentence with two poorly distinguished clauses.

So I made a mad dash for it.

Once upon a time, two race horses were born...

This is long, but worth it.

Their names were Herman and Berman and they were twins. Herman was born just slightly before Berman. Herman and Berman were colts of average work horses and were to work the fields everyday. One day Herman and Berman decide to have a race. Everyday at noon, the lu...

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"So you've written here that you're available 9 to 5"

"Sorry, that dash was a minus sign. I'm available 9 minus 5. I can start at 4."

"So why didn't you just put 4?"

"Couldn't spell it."

"Get the fuck out of my office."

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This is the earliest joke I remember my dad telling me (slightly NSFW)

A man goes for a wonder through a quiet part of town he's never been. Its late and there aren't any shops open. After awhile he gets a strong urgue for a shit. He looks around but sees nowhere to go so he continues walking. Ten minutes pass and his uncomfortable feeling is overwhelming. He feels lik...

Cop: Is that a radar detector I see?

A cop pulled me over the other day for speeding.
After giving me the ticket, he teases me a bit about my out of state plate and the fact that I'm driving a car that's in my Dad's name.

He points to my dash and asks, "Is that a radar detector I see?"
Me: I don't know.
Cop: Is that a r...

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A secret mission

There once was a janitor in the CIA building. One day as he's mopping the floor, he over hears a couple of new agents talking about a mission. He walks up and asks them if he could get in on it. After a couple of minutes of discussion they decide its alright. The two agents, the janitor, and a senio...

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the moral of the story...

A fish is swimming in the pond and looks up and sees a fly just out of reach, and thinks to himself,
" if that fly drops just six inches I'll jump up and have a nice lunch!"
While the fish is swimming under the fly a bear is watching from the shore. he sees the fish following the fly and think...

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