UPJOKE
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Fracture Jokes

I fractured my kneecap please send me jokes

Right now my humor is as broken as my ability to stand

I tried to get into online dating, but then I fractured my wrist...

I couldn't pick up lines

I got a radial head fracture

It wasn't very humerus

A man was brought to a hospital with heavily fractured bones.

The doctor in the intensive care unit asks him, "Are you married?"

"No, I've been run over by a truck."

A husband sends a text to his wife.

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foo...

i've been married two times. my first wife died to poisonous mushrooms. the other sufred severe skull fracture.

\-what happened to her?

\-she didn't want to eat the mushrooms

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I fractured my tailbone this morning.

I guess you could say I was pretty butthurt.

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News from School

Dear Mom and Dad,

It has been three months now since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not writing before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read further unless you are s...

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AI Doctor.

Guy hurts his arm. It's painful so he goes to his doctor.

The receptionist says "it's all AI now, just supply a sample of your urine and put it in the machine"

The guy things "weird but o.k'., does a sample, puts it in the machine.

A minute later a message appears. 'You have a ...

At first, I wasn't embarrassed about the way I broke my arm

But I heard the doctors calling it a "humerus fracture"

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A bricklayer has an accident at work and is being investigated, as the insurance company doesn't believe his injuries are real. They demand that he send them a description of the accident.

So he writes:

"I'm a bricklayer by trade. I had finished building the guard rail on the roof of the building. I use a barrel and pulley system to raise supplies up to the roof, and loaded the barrel up with the leftover bricks and my tools, weighing approximately 300 lbs, and then went below ...

A bald man cracked his skull.

His diagnosis: a receding hairline fracture.

An ER doc walks into a patient's room to find a woman in bed simultaneously crying and laughing hysterically.

Her husband explains that she fell getting out of the shower and immediately began laughing and crying. The doctor examined her and turns to her husband.

"It's just as I suspected. She has a humerus fracture."

A man was telling friends how first-aid classes had prepared him for an emergency.

“I saw a woman hit by a car,” he said. “She had a broken arm, a twisted knee and a skull fracture.”
“How horrible! What did you do?”

“Thanks to my first-aid training I knew just how to handle it. I sat on the curb and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting.”

A banker, a blacksmith, and a demolitions expert are all on a small plane.

The engine on the plane starts to fail and the pilot says to the three passengers on board
“Throw your least important belongings over the plane so that we can lighten the load on the engine”

The banker decides that his pennies weigh the most and have the least value so he throws all of th...

A man worked at construction site...

...and is brought to emergency room with concussion and skull fracture.

His wife, furious, comes to hospital.

"What happened?!"

"Well, I yelled: "John, throw me the hammer!"..."

"And then what?! You didn't catch it?"

"In matter of fact *I did*. But then I remember...

Before he died Stephen Hawking went on his first date for years

When he returned he'd broken his glasses, fractured his wrist and broken his knee.

Apparently she stood him up

A man walks into a doctor's office with a broken arm.

He asks the doctor, "Doc, when my arm is healed, will I be able to play guitar?"

Doctor: "Well the fracture doesn't appear to be too bad, so yes you should be able to when it's all healed"

Man: "That's fantastic news! I've always wanted to be able to play guitar."

Two friends were climbing a mountain

When suddenly one of them took a false step and fell from the top, disappearing from the other's sight.

As they were equipped with radio equipment, the other tried to contact him immediately with his, "Well, well, are you okay?"

"I'm fine!"

The friend sighed in relief, and kept ...

A man goes to a marriage agency to see about finding a wife...

The agency man (AM) who works there greets him and starts to ask him the usual questions to get to know him. Name, age, that kind of thing. He also asks him -

AM - "So, you have been married before?"

"Twice" the man responds.

AM - "Ah ok. I see. So what happened to your previous...

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man writing to his insurance

I am writing in response to your request for additional information.  In block number three of the accident reporting form, I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident.  You said in your letter that I should explain more and I trust that the following details are sufficient:

I am a bric...

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One of the best I've ever heard: "The Graveyard Couple"

Mr. and Mrs. Thompkins, who've been very happy together for 12 years, currently, are experiencing a phase of boredom and stagnation. To change things up, Mr. Thompkins gets an idea: Have sex in a near-by graveyard.

With a mix of reluctance and excitement, Mrs. Thompkins agrees and they go off...

A new doctor with unique treatment methods gets appointed in a mental asylum

He decides to test 3 random patients to evaluate how unstable they are. If they pass the evaluation they can go home else face rigorous treatment.

For the test he calls their concerned relatives and takes them to a deep swimming pool without water. He then puts a drop of water into the pool....

A caretaker at a cemetery sees a woman crying over a grave...

"I'm sorry for your loss ma'am, was that your husband?"
"Yes. He died eating a poison mushroom"

The next day the caretaker sees the same woman crying over a different grave.
"Ma'am I'm so sorry. Who was he?"
"This was my second husband. He also died eating a poison mushroom"

T...

Joke (Dark) The widow in mourning.

My co-worker had just lost his wife.
After he came back to work, I went to speak to him and give my condolences.

Me: Really sorry to hear about your wife

Co-worker: It's OK, I will survive. This is not the first time it has happened.

I was surprised.

Me: Sorry, I did...

A husband tells his wife about the car crash he got into...

Husband: Hey, I got in a car crash today. I got hurt real bad, I broke my arm and fractured my wrist. I also sprained my ankle and the car nearly exploded! Luckily Lucy pulled me out of the car just before it exploded. I spent a couple days in hospital but I'm fine now.

Wife: Who's Lucy?

"Honey, I just got into a terrible bike accident..

... So I don't think I can pick up the groceries on the way home. I think I broke my legs and maybe even a fractured rib. I'm bleeding all over too. Diane is bringing me to the hospital right now."

"Who's Diane?"

Girl's priorities.

First Aid Saves

"How come you're late?" asks the Manager as I walked through the door.

"It was awful," I explained. "I was walking down West road and there was this terrible accident. I saw a woman lying in the middle of the road. She'd been thrown from her car. Her leg was broken, her skull was fractured, ...

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Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident.

He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.


"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks.


"Yes sir, what's happened?...

Some of my favorite Scandinavian UFF DA jokes

Ole and Lars were business partners and good friends. One day Lars started off for work and discovered he'd forgotten his tools. Returning home, he looked around for his wife, Lena, and finally found her in the bedroom. To his surprise, she was on the bed with no clothes on. "Vat in the vorld are yo...

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