My wife was so fed up with my detective obsession that she said she wanted to split up.

"Good idea" I replied, "We can cover more ground that way".

What did Luke say to Han and Leia when they split up?

May divorce be with you.

There are no divorce courts at the North Pole, so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon.

They're great for separating independent Clauses.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend said she was tired of me acting like a detective and told me that we should split up

I said "Good idea we'll cover more ground that way"

She also got pissed at me and said that I ruined her birthday which I have no idea how I didn't even know it was her birthday


I heard these two jokes when I was a kid and they've always made me laugh, I know they are kind of old b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are your butt cheeks split up vertically?

If it were horizontally, running down the stairs would sound like someone clapping their hands.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did they split up while going through all that shit?

Because that’s what buttcheeks do.

How do married Jedi split up?

By using Di Force

Any action taken to get a split up music group to patch things up...

Is a Band-Aid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two lions split up their territory. One takes New Mexico, the other takes Texas.

Two lions split up their territory. One takes New Mexico, the other takes Texas. After the winter, they meet up again. The Texas lion is all skin and bones by the end of it.

The New Mexico lion says, "What the hell happened to you? You must have been doing something wrong with your hunting."<...

The wife told me she couldn't take my pretending to be a private eye shtick any more. She want's to split up.

Good idea Karen, we'll cover more ground.

My wife once asked me if I would ever sleep with her sister if we split up.

“Which sister?” is not the correct answer.

I can't believe I just found out R.E.M. split up.

I suppose the rest of the band just weren't Michael's type.

I fainted at an Indian restaurant when I found out that R.E.M had split up

That's me in the korma.

My ex and I split up with no hostility...

We had a non-diss closure agreement

My sister and her husband just split up, so I got my 8 year old niece the new "Divorce Barbie"

She comes with half of Ken's stuff.

Why did the computer split up with the programming language.

Because 1 or more arguments were invalid!

You always split up amicably if you date a mathematician.

Because they always break up with respect to ex.

My favourite band used to be The Conspiracy Theorists, but they split up.

It was the government's fault.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys get stranded on an island where a cannibal tribe lives.

The tribe tells each of them that they’ll let them live if they each go find 10 fruits each, so the guys split up to go find some fruits.

The 1st guy comes back with apples and then the cannibal tribe tells him another part to the deal.

“You have to put all ten up your butt without mak...

4 aliens crash land onto Earth and know no English, but can learn quickly.

The aliens split up, to hopefully develop their knowledge in the language.

The first alien walked into an office building and heard someone speaking into the phone. "Yeah. Of course." he heard.

The second alien walks by a restaurant and sees a little kid playing with utensils and sayin...

I used to be in a one man band once.....

but I split up due to musical differences. :(

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."


"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m trying to introduce my wife to my Scooby Doo sex fantasy.

I think it’s working, she said we should split up. She went to her parents house and I’m looking for clues in the garden.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men camping...

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy.

One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and ...

What did Fred say after he and Daphne got a divorce?

Let's split up gang!

There were two hunters out in the woods

Along the way they split up, and one of the hunters drew his gun at a twig snapping, then shot at the direction it came from.

Upon discovering it was his buddy he shot, he immediately dialed 9-11.

“Help, I shot my buddy when we were hunting, I don’t know if he is breathing” said the hu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family goes to the zoo...

and when they get there, they decide to split up so they can see more animals. The little boy goes with his mother, and after they walk for a bit he points and says, "Mommy, what's that?!" She tells him that it's a monkey. Soon after he points again, asking "Mommy, what's that?" She tells him that i...

Dolphin joke...made it up myself today. :)

An aquarium guide brought a group of visitors around to see the dolphins, which were split up into two tanks. In the first tank the dolphins were all having fun, playing around with a beach ball. In the second tank the dolphins were training, working hard on a new trick. One of the visitors asked...

Three men are driving in the desert when their car breaks down.

The men decide that they must split up and survive on their own for the best chances. They are then forced to abandon the car. To be fair, they decide that they can each take one part of the car to help them.

The first man decides that he wants to take the car battery, he is an engineer and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are on a hunting trip

The drive up north was long and excruciating, and there were no rest stops, so when they get to their camp, they’re already extraordinarily tired. However, they only have two days, so they figure they should start right away.

The men split up and wait for deer for several hours. The first ma...

Three prisoners

Three prisoners escape from a chain gang and run off towards a farm. They can hear the guards and the dogs behind them. They stop at the fence and agree to split up to increase the odds of escaping.

One prisoner runs towards the barn, one hides in the hen house, and the third guy heads toward...

My girlfriend: If you don't stop making Scooby Doo references, then I'll break up with you.

Me: Alright gang, let's split up.

Two little boys steal a big bag of oranges from the neighbour

They decide to find a quiet place to split up the lot. One of them suggests the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate two oranges fell out of the bag, but they didn’t bother to stop and pick them up since they had plenty in the bag.

A few minutes later a drunkard walks by the c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Zoo

A little boy and his sister went to the zoo with their parents. At the zoo, they split up and each parent took a child around for a look at the animals.

When the little boy and his mother got to the gorilla, the boy said “Mommy! What’s that!”

“Well, son, that’s a gorilla.”

Then...

Everyone needs a little relaxation time once in a while [Long]

So my friend and I decided to unwind and visit this Day Spa that she highly recommended.

I had never heard of it before and asked her what was so great about it. However she refused to tell me why it was so good.

So we scheduled a visit for the following Sunday and when we arrived I r...

A Persian and his friend...

A Persian guy and his friend are walking through a field. All of a sudden, a lion comes chasing after the two.

After getting split up, the men reunite and discuss the situation.

The Persian’s friend asks: “Well, how did you escape?”

The Persian replies: “Iran.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jake and Dave on a camping trip (NSFW!)

Jake and Dave were on a camping trip. On the last day of their trip, they couldn't decide what to do. Jake wanted to go to the beach, Dave wanted to go hiking. So they split up for the day.

They met back up late at night at camp. Jake was like "Dude, my day was AWESOME! I went to the beach an...

A wife is getting fed up with her husband always acting like a detective.

They get into a huge fight about it and she finally says “I think we need to split up”

The husband replies “That’s a great idea we can cover more ground that way”

(Sorry if this has been posted before I only heard it today)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man took his 3 kids to a maze

His kids' names are Flour, Sugar, and Butter. The four of them split up in the maze to try to solve it. Along the way, Dad bumps into Butter. They exchange surprised looks and laughs and continue on their way. After 10 more minutes, Dad bumps into Butter again. They repeat the previous exchange and ...

At the sister’s

“Oh no, Roger, why did you two split up?”

“She’s a liar and a cheat! She said she was the whole night at her sister’s!”

“So? Maybe she was.”

“Yeah, no way. I was at her sister’s the whole night!”

Tech Joke: Changing a light bulb

A window user, a Linux user and an apple user all need to change a lightbulb in their respective homes. They split up and the windows and apple user meet back up 5 minutes later

Windows User: Did you get it fixed?

Apple user: No, it can't be cganged so I need to find a new house; how a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The tourettes pianist

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.
'Fucking get in there you cunt!' he says to himself and goes...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three friends went hunting in the woods.

After not seeing any deer for several hours, they decided to split up, hoping that at least one of them would be able to bag some venison. They agreed that if anyone shot a deer, he would shoot three times in the air so the others could come help with the carcass.

Some time passed, and one of...

An American, a South-African and a Korean are on a plane.

After a malfunction in one of the motors, the plane is forced to make an emergency landing. The plane crashes into the ocean, a few hundred metres from a remote island. Only the American, the South-African and the Korean survives.

All three swim to the island, and it quickly becomes clear tha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys camping in the woods (nsfw)

Two guys have been out camping in the bush for so long they're getting sick of each other. So, they decide to split up for a day, one goes north and one goes south, and they meet back at camp the next morning with a little less hate toward each other. North guy asks South guy what he saw-
...

Tom, Mike, and Joe survive a plane crash and swim to a nearby island.

Mike doesn't speak English very well. Joe Immediately starts giving orders to both of them: "Tom, go and find some branches so we can start a fire, Mike, try and find supplies. I will try to find some food." So they all split up. After a few hours, Joe and Tom went back to the place they made their ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

And that's how the fight started

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery
plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
_________________...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys and a girl become shipwrecked on a deserted island...

...but fortunately there is plenty of food and fresh water. Over the next few months, they build a little community: all three craft little huts out of sticks and leaves, and they fairly split up all the tasks and chores essential to their survival. They even build a little church where they go to p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys parents are throwing a party... [long]

and since it's all adults and they're only children nobody will pay attention to them. The two start talking,

"This is Boooorrringgg, I wanna go up to my room," says the older brother.

"Mom and Dad say we have to stay down here to help entertain the guests, this bites," replies the you...

A couple friends were out hunting

They split up and went different directions.

Shortly after the first one saw something move and shot.

He ran up to see had shot his buddy.

Shocked, he hurried him to the hospital.

After several hours the doctor came out and the guy asked, "Did you save him?"

And...

Three spies were detained in Russia

A British spy, a French spy, and an Italian spy. They were split up into three separate rooms to be interrogated.

After the interrogations, they were thrown into a cell together. The British spy said he was threatened with torture and confessed his secrets. The French spy told a similar stor...

A Canadian man, an American and a Chinese man are stranded on a desert island...

The Canadian tells the others that he will be in charge of food. American volunteers to be in charge of water and the Chinese man says he will be in charge of supplies. They split up to do their jobs and decide to meet up later. When the Canadian and the American return, there is no sign of the Chin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks in a bar with his dog...

....and the bartender warns him: “I'm sorry pal, you can't bring your dog in.”

The man thinks for a while and says: “Oh, this is just my seeing-eye dog. I'd better not split up with him”.

The bartender says OK and the man enjoys a few beers. Then he goes out and sees another man also...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men find a magic lamp

They rub the lamp and a genie comes out. The genie says: "you are all granted three wishes!".
The first guy says:"I wish I had a billion dollars". The second guy says:"I wish I were the richest man in the world". The third guy says:"I wish my left arm kept rotating clockwise".
For the seco...

A priest , rabbi, and televangelist were at a bar.

Every Monday night a priest , a rabbi, and a televangelist meet at a bar and argue about who's people are the true chosen people. God is there drinking and comes to the three and says "You guys argue about this every Monday and it's getting old. Here's what we are going to do, you three will go the ...

A British guy, a French guy, and a Korean guy got stranded on an island

A British guy, a French guy, and a Korean guy got stranded on an island. The British guy decided it would be best for them to split up and meet back the next day. He told the other two that he would build a shelter, and told the French guy to gather food and the Korean guy to get supplies. The next ...

Two guys go to the beach for the weekend.

The first guy, Donnie, is getting looks from girls all day long, while Jimmy is ignored. Jimmy is completely blown away by this. They are both about the same size, with similar features. How could Donnie be so much more attractive. They could barely walk anywhere without some hot blonde in a bikini ...

A man goes to the carnival

A man goes to the carnival with his family, and they decide to split up to enjoy the rides. The husband walks by a tent with a sign advertising a fortuneteller. He doesn't believe in such things,but decides to go inside anyway.

A woman looks up from a small table with a crystal ball and spea...

Frank and Ollie go to the beach wearing Speedos...

FRANK: Hey Ollie, you know why we have these new Speedos, right?
OLLIE: No, why? They are tight.
FRANK: To pick up cute girls, they like tight swim shorts on guys like us.
OLLIE: Great! I like cute girls.
FRANK: Here, put this potato in your speedos to pick up the cutest girls. They will...

Joe knows everyione

Joe and Paul entered a bar and everyone at the bar said, "Hi Joe, Hey Joe,
How ya doin' Joe?"
Paul said, "What, are you a regular here, Joe?"
Joe answered, "No, it's just that everyone knows me."
"Whaddya mean everyone knows you?" said Paul.
"I mean everyone in the world knows me," re...

Kleptomaniac girlfriend

I work at a workout shop called Sweat. It's bit of a janky place.
Soon, after I started working there, I start dating a kelpto who has too much fun stealing.
She's super cute and otherwise perfect.
Winter rolls around and she gets bored.

GF wants to rob my work.

It's like -10°...

THYS

There was once a rising boy band that went by the name of *THYS*. As they began gaining popularity, they realized that they needed some help. Chris, the band's drummer, asked his girlfriend, an attractive girl named Sarah, and she agreed to be the band's manager.

All was well. With Sarah doin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two friends go on a hike

So two friends go on a hike and split up. Hours later, they meet back up. The one friend sees the other guy and runs over,

"You wouldn't believe what just happened! I was walking when all of the sudden I found this girl tied to the train-track, so I ran over and quickly untied her. To re...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four men go hunting...

They split up into pairs and hunt in different areas. Later, two of the hunters come across the other pair to find one hunter bent over a tree stump with the other fucking him in the ass.

Shocked, the other hunters yell, "What the hell are you doing?"

The hunter who is doing the fucki...

A cop sees a boy in Miami walking down the street alone...

So the cop asks him where he is going. The little boy tells the cop that he is running away because his parents have split up. The cop says, "Come on, get in my car and I'll take you home to your mom."

The little boy cries out, "Oh no, please don't! My mom beats me!"

The cop then says,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Golden Duck

Two guys are fishing in a lake and the fish just won't bite. Then they see a duck, so they decide to catch it. The duck says: "Please don't take me, I'm a golden duck, I will lay an egg for each of you. You just make a wish, crack the egg and it will be done." They think for a while and decide: "Ok,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three boys decide to sneak fruit on a farmer's property...

Three boys, hungry, hot, and tired after a summer day of play decide to sneak onto a farmer's property to eat some fruit without him knowing. After they climb through the fence, the three boys split up to go eat their favorite fruits. From his house, the farmer sees the boys and becomes infuriated, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A team of sociologists have planned an experiment in isolation.

They send an American, a Frenchman and a Japanese man to a deserted island, and arrange to come back and pick them up in a years time to see how they have adapted. The sociologists leave, and the three men decide to split up the tasks amongst themselves.

"I'm an engineer" says American, "So ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys are lost in a jungle

They run into a group of cannibals and out of fear, ask if there is anything they can do to avoid getting eaten. The leader of the cannibal group says, "Bring us back 10 pieces of a certain type of fruit. If you do, we will not only let you live, but tell you how to get out of the jungle and to safe...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.