My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

My wife and I split up because of psychological reasons...

She was Psycho and I was Logical.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I split up with my boyfriend, last night and he stole my toilet...

Guess, I shouldn't have told him to take all his shit and leave

Bill and Bob go hunting. They split up, and Bob soon finds Bill with a snake bite in his neck.

Bob calls 911, and says “I went hunting with my friend and I just found him dead with a snake bite on his neck!” 911 says “Ok, first let’s make sure he’s dead”. A gunshot is heard. Bob says, “Ok, now what?”

Why couldn’t the molecule split up?

It was in a legally bonding contract.

What did Luke say to Han and Leia when they split up?

May divorce be with you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the butt cheeks split up?

Too much crap between them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend said she was tired of me acting like a detective and told me that we should split up

I said "Good idea we'll cover more ground that way"

She also got pissed at me and said that I ruined her birthday which I have no idea how I didn't even know it was her birthday


I heard these two jokes when I was a kid and they've always made me laugh, I know they are kind of old b...

The wife told me she couldn't take my pretending to be a private eye shtick any more. She want's to split up.

Good idea Karen, we'll cover more ground.

There are no divorce courts at the North Pole, so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon.

They're great for separating independent Clauses.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are your butt cheeks split up vertically?

If it were horizontally, running down the stairs would sound like someone clapping their hands.

My wife once asked me if I would ever sleep with her sister if we split up.

“Which sister?” is not the correct answer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did they split up while going through all that shit?

Because that’s what buttcheeks do.

How do married Jedi split up?

By using Di Force

Any action taken to get a split up music group to patch things up...

Is a Band-Aid.

I fainted at an Indian restaurant when I found out that R.E.M had split up

That's me in the korma.

I can't believe I just found out R.E.M. split up.

I suppose the rest of the band just weren't Michael's type.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two lions split up their territory. One takes New Mexico, the other takes Texas.

Two lions split up their territory. One takes New Mexico, the other takes Texas. After the winter, they meet up again. The Texas lion is all skin and bones by the end of it.

The New Mexico lion says, "What the hell happened to you? You must have been doing something wrong with your hunting."<...

My favourite band used to be The Conspiracy Theorists, but they split up.

It was the government's fault.

My sister and her husband just split up, so I got my 8 year old niece the new "Divorce Barbie"

She comes with half of Ken's stuff.

Why did the computer split up with the programming language.

Because 1 or more arguments were invalid!

You always split up amicably if you date a mathematician.

Because they always break up with respect to ex.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gives his wife blood to keep her alive.

Later they split up, man says, I want my fucking blood back,

wife throws a tampon at him and says I'll pay monthly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three criminals rob a bank and make their getaway,

They are pursued by the police all the way to the countryside. The three criminals speed into a farm where they split up to hide. The police are close behind them.

The first criminal hides in the pigpen. The police go inside the pen where they hear the sound of something moving. "Oink Oink." ...

A Old, wealthy man had three sons.

He promised each of them that if they learned a new, 'exotic' skill, he would give them a fortune. So, they set out. They came to a river with 3 paths. They agreed to split up. The first brother learned to shoot tiny things like birds, flies, etc. The second one learned to fix things with a hammer. ...

The Highschool Reunion

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two friends go for a hike...

Two friends, Dave and Darren, go on an adventure hike which would last for months. Two months in they get a bit tired of each other and decide to split up for four days and rendezvous at a mutually known bar in a nearby town.

Four days later they meet up and are back in the groove. Dave goes...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two friends go hunting

Two friends named Billy and Bobby decided to go hunting as the season had started.They got pretty far from where they left they car and time had past without finding anything so they decide to split up.After a while billy heard screaming from far away,he recognized the voice to be Bobby's so he spri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

My girlfriend said she would break up with me if I said another Scooby-Doo quote.

My last words to her were “Alright, let’s split up gang.”

Two nuns were walking home one night down a very dark street.

One nun was called Sister Mathematical because of her gift for numbers and the other nun was called Sister Logical because of her gift for reasoning. They soon noticed that a man was following them. They would speed up, and he would speed up. They would stop, and he would stop. Sister Mathematical s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon....

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon.

Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

"Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys get stranded on an island where a cannibal tribe lives.

The tribe tells each of them that they’ll let them live if they each go find 10 fruits each, so the guys split up to go find some fruits.

The 1st guy comes back with apples and then the cannibal tribe tells him another part to the deal.

“You have to put all ten up your butt without mak...

Two explorers discover two adjacent islands, both inhabited by indigenous tribes...

They want to be the first to contact these tribes, learn their language, and report their findings as soon as possible. To help speed things up, they decide to split up to an island each, learn the languages of each tribe, and meet back up later to discuss findings.

After a couple weeks, one ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some college kids are travelling

Some college kids are travelling the world to get some life experience. While visiting Morocco they decided to split up and meet back up at noon for lunch. One young man, losing track of time and not having a watch stops and asks a merchant who was sitting beside a camel.

The merchant looks ...

A Blonde, Brunette, and a Black haired girl are running from the police.

So they run into a farm and split up.

The Black haired girl runs behind a cow,
the Brunette runs behind a pig, and the Blonde runs behind a sack of potatoes.

Night comes and the police eventually find the barn and and search it. One of policemen look through the cattle and shines a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m trying to introduce my wife to my Scooby Doo sex fantasy.

I think it’s working, she said we should split up. She went to her parents house and I’m looking for clues in the garden.

One dark & misty night two hungry vampire bats are planning their next meal...

One says "Let's split up and meet back here in twenty minutes, and see who's found the best place to dine this evening."
Twenty minutes later they're back together to share what they've discovered.
The first says "No joy here. Nothing doing with me- but, it seems you've had more luck- where di...

4 aliens crash land onto Earth and know no English, but can learn quickly.

The aliens split up, to hopefully develop their knowledge in the language.

The first alien walked into an office building and heard someone speaking into the phone. "Yeah. Of course." he heard.

The second alien walks by a restaurant and sees a little kid playing with utensils and sayin...

My girlfriend: If you don't stop making Scooby Doo references, then I'll break up with you.

Me: Alright gang, let's split up.

Three mice were looking for a warm place to settle down for winter.

When the three, two boy mice and a girl mouse, came across a barn. They were stoked to find such a perfect place. They split up to explore their palatial discovery. After a while they all ended up walking on the same high shelf. Suddenly, the girl who was leading the group, hit the skids so she wo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men camping...

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy.

One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and ...

Dolphin joke...made it up myself today. :)

An aquarium guide brought a group of visitors around to see the dolphins, which were split up into two tanks. In the first tank the dolphins were all having fun, playing around with a beach ball. In the second tank the dolphins were training, working hard on a new trick. One of the visitors asked...

What did Fred say after he and Daphne got a divorce?

Let's split up gang!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family goes to the zoo...

and when they get there, they decide to split up so they can see more animals. The little boy goes with his mother, and after they walk for a bit he points and says, "Mommy, what's that?!" She tells him that it's a monkey. Soon after he points again, asking "Mommy, what's that?" She tells him that i...

Three men are driving in the desert when their car breaks down.

The men decide that they must split up and survive on their own for the best chances. They are then forced to abandon the car. To be fair, they decide that they can each take one part of the car to help them.

The first man decides that he wants to take the car battery, he is an engineer and ...

Two little boys steal a big bag of oranges from the neighbour

They decide to find a quiet place to split up the lot. One of them suggests the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate two oranges fell out of the bag, but they didn’t bother to stop and pick them up since they had plenty in the bag.

A few minutes later a drunkard walks by the c...

Tech Joke: Changing a light bulb

A window user, a Linux user and an apple user all need to change a lightbulb in their respective homes. They split up and the windows and apple user meet back up 5 minutes later

Windows User: Did you get it fixed?

Apple user: No, it can't be cganged so I need to find a new house; how a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are on a hunting trip

The drive up north was long and excruciating, and there were no rest stops, so when they get to their camp, they’re already extraordinarily tired. However, they only have two days, so they figure they should start right away.

The men split up and wait for deer for several hours. The first ma...

Three prisoners

Three prisoners escape from a chain gang and run off towards a farm. They can hear the guards and the dogs behind them. They stop at the fence and agree to split up to increase the odds of escaping.

One prisoner runs towards the barn, one hides in the hen house, and the third guy heads toward...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jake and Dave on a camping trip (NSFW!)

Jake and Dave were on a camping trip. On the last day of their trip, they couldn't decide what to do. Jake wanted to go to the beach, Dave wanted to go hiking. So they split up for the day.

They met back up late at night at camp. Jake was like "Dude, my day was AWESOME! I went to the beach an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Zoo

A little boy and his sister went to the zoo with their parents. At the zoo, they split up and each parent took a child around for a look at the animals.

When the little boy and his mother got to the gorilla, the boy said “Mommy! What’s that!”

“Well, son, that’s a gorilla.”

Then...

Everyone needs a little relaxation time once in a while [Long]

So my friend and I decided to unwind and visit this Day Spa that she highly recommended.

I had never heard of it before and asked her what was so great about it. However she refused to tell me why it was so good.

So we scheduled a visit for the following Sunday and when we arrived I r...

At the sister’s

“Oh no, Roger, why did you two split up?”

“She’s a liar and a cheat! She said she was the whole night at her sister’s!”

“So? Maybe she was.”

“Yeah, no way. I was at her sister’s the whole night!”

A wife is getting fed up with her husband always acting like a detective.

They get into a huge fight about it and she finally says “I think we need to split up”

The husband replies “That’s a great idea we can cover more ground that way”

(Sorry if this has been posted before I only heard it today)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man took his 3 kids to a maze

His kids' names are Flour, Sugar, and Butter. The four of them split up in the maze to try to solve it. Along the way, Dad bumps into Butter. They exchange surprised looks and laughs and continue on their way. After 10 more minutes, Dad bumps into Butter again. They repeat the previous exchange and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys camping in the woods (nsfw)

Two guys have been out camping in the bush for so long they're getting sick of each other. So, they decide to split up for a day, one goes north and one goes south, and they meet back at camp the next morning with a little less hate toward each other. North guy asks South guy what he saw-
...

An American, a South-African and a Korean are on a plane.

After a malfunction in one of the motors, the plane is forced to make an emergency landing. The plane crashes into the ocean, a few hundred metres from a remote island. Only the American, the South-African and the Korean survives.

All three swim to the island, and it quickly becomes clear tha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys and a girl become shipwrecked on a deserted island...

...but fortunately there is plenty of food and fresh water. Over the next few months, they build a little community: all three craft little huts out of sticks and leaves, and they fairly split up all the tasks and chores essential to their survival. They even build a little church where they go to p...

A Canadian man, an American and a Chinese man are stranded on a desert island...

The Canadian tells the others that he will be in charge of food. American volunteers to be in charge of water and the Chinese man says he will be in charge of supplies. They split up to do their jobs and decide to meet up later. When the Canadian and the American return, there is no sign of the Chin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three friends went hunting in the woods.

After not seeing any deer for several hours, they decided to split up, hoping that at least one of them would be able to bag some venison. They agreed that if anyone shot a deer, he would shoot three times in the air so the others could come help with the carcass.

Some time passed, and one of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks in a bar with his dog...

....and the bartender warns him: “I'm sorry pal, you can't bring your dog in.”

The man thinks for a while and says: “Oh, this is just my seeing-eye dog. I'd better not split up with him”.

The bartender says OK and the man enjoys a few beers. Then he goes out and sees another man also...

Three spies were detained in Russia

A British spy, a French spy, and an Italian spy. They were split up into three separate rooms to be interrogated.

After the interrogations, they were thrown into a cell together. The British spy said he was threatened with torture and confessed his secrets. The French spy told a similar stor...

Tom, Mike, and Joe survive a plane crash and swim to a nearby island.

Mike doesn't speak English very well. Joe Immediately starts giving orders to both of them: "Tom, go and find some branches so we can start a fire, Mike, try and find supplies. I will try to find some food." So they all split up. After a few hours, Joe and Tom went back to the place they made their ...

A British guy, a French guy, and a Korean guy got stranded on an island

A British guy, a French guy, and a Korean guy got stranded on an island. The British guy decided it would be best for them to split up and meet back the next day. He told the other two that he would build a shelter, and told the French guy to gather food and the Korean guy to get supplies. The next ...

A man goes to the carnival

A man goes to the carnival with his family, and they decide to split up to enjoy the rides. The husband walks by a tent with a sign advertising a fortuneteller. He doesn't believe in such things,but decides to go inside anyway.

A woman looks up from a small table with a crystal ball and spea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men find a magic lamp

They rub the lamp and a genie comes out. The genie says: "you are all granted three wishes!".
The first guy says:"I wish I had a billion dollars". The second guy says:"I wish I were the richest man in the world". The third guy says:"I wish my left arm kept rotating clockwise".
For the seco...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys parents are throwing a party... [long]

and since it's all adults and they're only children nobody will pay attention to them. The two start talking,

"This is Boooorrringgg, I wanna go up to my room," says the older brother.

"Mom and Dad say we have to stay down here to help entertain the guests, this bites," replies the you...

Two guys go to the beach for the weekend.

The first guy, Donnie, is getting looks from girls all day long, while Jimmy is ignored. Jimmy is completely blown away by this. They are both about the same size, with similar features. How could Donnie be so much more attractive. They could barely walk anywhere without some hot blonde in a bikini ...

A couple friends were out hunting

They split up and went different directions.

Shortly after the first one saw something move and shot.

He ran up to see had shot his buddy.

Shocked, he hurried him to the hospital.

After several hours the doctor came out and the guy asked, "Did you save him?"

And...

Joe knows everyione

Joe and Paul entered a bar and everyone at the bar said, "Hi Joe, Hey Joe,
How ya doin' Joe?"
Paul said, "What, are you a regular here, Joe?"
Joe answered, "No, it's just that everyone knows me."
"Whaddya mean everyone knows you?" said Paul.
"I mean everyone in the world knows me," re...

Frank and Ollie go to the beach wearing Speedos...

FRANK: Hey Ollie, you know why we have these new Speedos, right?
OLLIE: No, why? They are tight.
FRANK: To pick up cute girls, they like tight swim shorts on guys like us.
OLLIE: Great! I like cute girls.
FRANK: Here, put this potato in your speedos to pick up the cutest girls. They will...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.