UPJOKE
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Split Jokes

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
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"I have a split personality."

...said Tom, being frank.
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If California splits into 3 states, we just need to make Puerto Rico a state.

We’d have a prime number of states and finally be “one nation, indivisible”
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My girlfriend said we should split up.

When I asked why, she responded “I’m just not in a good state right now” so I responded, “Utah?”
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How do you split Rome in half?

You use a pair of caesars.
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The other day my girlfriend approached me and said "I'm sick of you always pretending to be a private eye, we should split up."

I said "Good idea, we can cover more ground."
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My work colleague:"I've divorced my wife and the court has decided that we have to split the house in two..."

I asked him: "What part of the house will you get?"

He replied: "The outside..."
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Why did the banana split?

Because it saw the ice cream!
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I used to have a split personality

But I don't anymore, and neither do I
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Split up with my lying, cheating, thieving girlfriend last month and it's been nothing but Happy Days since.

The bitch took all my other box-sets.

A great scientist invents a machine to split the pain of birth between a couple...

He finds a couple who just went into labour, and asks them if he can use the machine on them, as a test.

The couple agrees, and the husband says "We can split it 50 - 50, its only fair". So the scientist turns the machine up to 50%, just as the baby begins coming out, and the women starts gro...
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My wife and I split up because of psychological reasons...

She was Psycho and I was Logical.
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So I split up with my boyfriend, last night and he stole my toilet...

Guess, I shouldn't have told him to take all his shit and leave

I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits

He replied, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make it on Tuesdays."
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Some people think I have a split personality.

To them I say: "No, he doesn't."
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My wife once asked me if I would ever sleep with her sister if we split up.

“Which sister?” is not the correct answer.
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Where do you learn to make banana splits?

At sundae school.
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What do you call a Toblerone if it is split into half?

A Toblertwo
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Splitting hairs.

A guy goes downtown to cut his hair, but the place is packed.

Surprisingly he finds his friend waiting outside the venue. "I thought you were a vegan!" He says.

"I am, what's so astonishing?" The friend responded.

"I never thought to find you at a barber's queu!"
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How many D&D players does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them. Never split the party.
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A guy limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.

The attendant began to make it for him and said "Crushed nuts?" And the guy said, No, I just have a bad knee."
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Me and my girlfriend split up because she said I thought about video games too much.

It’s such a stupid thing to Fallout 4.
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The CEO offered an employee a bonus of $10k or to double it and pass it on

The CEO offered an employee a bonus of $10k or to double it and pass it on to the next employee.

The first employee elected to double and pass it on. The CEO thought what a generous individual this was and then moved on to the next employee.

The next employee also declined the (now)...
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I went to a psychiatrist today. She told me I had a split personality and charged me $160

I gave her $80 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.
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I have a split personality

And so do i
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There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to rati...
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What did Kris Jenner say to Caitlin Jenner when they split up ?

.. you're not the man I fell in love with !
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Why are Melinda and Bill gates splitting up?

Because he is MicroSoft.
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If hydrolysis is splitting things with water and electrolysis is splitting things with electricity...

... What is analysis?
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I'm glad they split off fat camp from incontinence camp

Fat people get shit on enough

Syria has officially split into two separate countries.

They are now SyriA and SyriB
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Me and my wife have been artists together for ten years, and suddenly she splits up with me because I’m sterile?

I’m drawing a blank here.
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If our ass was split horizontally

It would clap when we run down the stairs

Stole my ex's wheelchair when we split

Guess who came crawling back!?
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Why did the butt cheeks split up?

Too much crap between them

How do churches split the collections?

A man goes to a Catholic church and says to the priest "Father, I was wondering, how do you decide how much of each collection goes to God and how much goes to you?" and the priest says "Come come, I'll show you." So the priest draws a circle on the ground and says "I throw the collection up in the...
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How did the Roman Empire split into 2?

They used a pair of “caesars”
(I made this in my global class, if you guys don’t know what happened during the Roman Empire they were so big to control that they divided into two)
pls no bully me
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What do you call two junkies trying to split a bag?

Crystal Math
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What weighs 10 tons, consumes 20 liters of diesel per hour and splits apples into three parts?

A Soviet apple quartering machine.
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What do you call a scientist who splits atoms to create bubbly beverages?

A nuclear fizzicist.
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I fainted at an Indian restaurant when I found out that R.E.M had split up

That's me in the korma.
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Why are your butt cheeks split up vertically?

If it were horizontally, running down the stairs would sound like someone clapping their hands.

Jimmy Neutron (Split Personalities)

Jimmy Electron, Jimmy Proton and Carl Weiner
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Who split the arctic sea?

Eskimoses
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Two Brothers Move to the City

There were two brothers who lived in the country.

One day they decided they wanted to move to the big city and get jobs there. When they got there they went to the employment office to ask for jobs.

The first brother went in for an interview and less than 10 minutes later he comes out ...
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A handsome man in a suit approaches a young lady at a bar and asks if he can buy her a drink. "Don’t you have a girlfriend?" she asked. "Guys like you always have girlfriends."

He looked downcast, "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "OK then, I'll have a white wine please."

One glass of wine led to a second. A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle they headed off back to her place and made passionate love...
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How do married Jedi split up?

By using Di Force
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An old joke from my childhood that is sadly relevant again.

**Bert and Ernie had worked together as radio hosts for twenty years.**

They traded jokes, played pop music and generally made people's lives a touch brighter as they trundled to work.

In one of the breaks they received a Fax. Ernie picked up the page and was in shock. Ernie silentl...
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There's a town in Russia where it's illegal to split an order of soup.

Share-no-bowl.
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An old man shuffled really slowly into an ice cream shop and said, “Can I have a banana split?”

Server: Sure. Crushed nuts?

Old man: No, Arthritis.
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I can't believe I just found out R.E.M. split up.

I suppose the rest of the band just weren't Michael's type.
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Whats fuzzy on the outside and juicy on the inside and is eaten split in half?

Kiwi ya fuckin perverts

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A girl I dated from my local opticians text me saying I've got a split personality.

Wait, no. It says "shit".

I don't suffer from split-personality...

...and neither do I
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Two lions split up their territory. One takes New Mexico, the other takes Texas.

Two lions split up their territory. One takes New Mexico, the other takes Texas. After the winter, they meet up again. The Texas lion is all skin and bones by the end of it.

The New Mexico lion says, "What the hell happened to you? You must have been doing something wrong with your hunting."<...

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My daughter has a split personality.

She's a "sweetheart" to my wife but a little shit to me.

My favourite band used to be The Conspiracy Theorists, but they split up.

It was the government's fault.
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For a second I thought I had a split personality...

But then I was able to convince him he didn't.
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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

What do you need to split a photon?

A lightsabre
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Mickey and Minnie Split the Sheets

Mickey Mouse is in court, trying to get a divorce from Minnie... "Mr. Mouse", says the judge, "I'm afraid you can't get a divorce just because your wife is a little strange."

"I didn't say she was a little strange, I said she was fucking Goofy".

You always split up amicably if you date a mathematician.

Because they always break up with respect to ex.
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Why did the computer split up with the programming language.

Because 1 or more arguments were invalid!
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My sister and her husband just split up, so I got my 8 year old niece the new "Divorce Barbie"

She comes with half of Ken's stuff.
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That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

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He knows it, everything, the whole truth.

While playing in the street, little Johnny's 9-year-old friend shows him his new bike.

\- “Whoa, where did you get that from” Johnny asks.

\- “Well”, his friend tells him: ‘I bought it for a 100 bucks that I made yesterday.’

Johnny, 9 years old and getting 1 dollar per week of p...

Wanna see a banana split?

Wait until it turns black and tell it he's the father.
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high-school reunion...

And I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober sinc...
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The Mother Superior assembles all the nuns in the refectory

"Sisters," says the Mother Superior grimly, "while we were gardening this morning, we found a discarded condom!"

99 nuns: \*horrified gasp\*

one nun: \*tee-hee\*

"And," adds the Mother Superior, "it had been *used!*"

99 nuns: \*horrified gasp\*

one nun: \*tee-hee\*...
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So a 1024MB Memory Card walks into a bar...

The Memory Card spots a piano, sits down at it and starts playing some incredible music.

After a number of songs, mostly original, the Memory Card gets up and the bar goes wild with cheers and applause.

The bar owner was incredibly impressed and runs up to the Memory Card and says, "Bu...
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