How was Rome split in two?

With a pair of Caesars

GF: I'm sick of you pretending you're a Detective. I think we should split up.

Me:

Good idea, we can cover more ground that way.

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My girlfriend said she was tired of me acting like a detective and told me that we should split up

I said "Good idea we'll cover more ground that way"

She also got pissed at me and said that I ruined her birthday which I have no idea how I didn't even know it was her birthday


I heard these two jokes when I was a kid and they've always made me laugh, I know they are kind of old b...

The wife told me she couldn't take my pretending to be a private eye shtick any more. She want's to split up.

Good idea Karen, we'll cover more ground.

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to rati...

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Why are your butt cheeks split up vertically?

If it were horizontally, running down the stairs would sound like someone clapping their hands.

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A little boy is in bath with his mother & asks "mummy why you have a split between your legs?"

His mother replies "That is where your Daddy hit me with the axe"

The boy then say "That's a pretty good shot mum he got you right in the cunt!"

(My husband tell me this one I laughed hard so share it)

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Getting a divorce from my Husband, we are gonna split the house 50/50.

I am having the inside he is having the fucking outside..

My room mate says I have a split personality.

Jokes on him... I don't have a room mate.

Its the homecoming dance, and so far the gym is split between boys and girls.

Several minutes pass until the boys start talking to the girls and asking them to dance. One after another the girls get asked to. All but one remains. Nobody has asked her out due to her fake wooden eye that she has.

Then suddenly, one boy realizes her sitting alone and wishes she was havin...

My brother and I are partners in a shoe business but we decided to split the business

Now I am the sole proprietor.

What did American physicists say to the US government after German scientists discovered how to split atoms?

Don’t worry, theres other fission, DC.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.

He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'

People keep telling me that I have split-personality disorder.

But that’s just me being frank with you all.

If California splits into 3 states, we just need to make Puerto Rico a state.

We’d have a prime number of states and finally be “one nation, indivisible”

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself cautiously, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

Going through a messy divorce I said to the wife, OK we will do this as adults, she says OK we split the stuff 50/50, half the house is yours the other half is mine.

I have the inside you have the outside..

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Two guys run their own business out of the same storefront, allowing them to split the rent. The first guy has a bagel shop in the morning hours. After he clears out the second guy runs a martial arts studio in the afternoon. But what do they call the shop? What name on the sign works for both?

Jew Dough

How did the Roman Empire split into 2?

They used a pair of “caesars”
(I made this in my global class, if you guys don’t know what happened during the Roman Empire they were so big to control that they divided into two)
pls no bully me

What do you call a TV that has been split in half?

A Telefission.

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Why did they split up while going through all that shit?

Because that’s what buttcheeks do.

Would you like to try our new Banana Split dessert?

It has a lot of a-peel.

(I tell this one at work all the time 😝)

How do churches split the collections?

A man goes to a Catholic church and says to the priest "Father, I was wondering, how do you decide how much of each collection goes to God and how much goes to you?" and the priest says "Come come, I'll show you." So the priest draws a circle on the ground and says "I throw the collection up in the...

My wife once asked me if I would ever sleep with her sister if we split up.

“Which sister?” is not the correct answer.

I came up with this new idea where you split the square root into pieces.

It’s radical!

"I have a split personality."

...said Tom, being frank.

Me and the missus broke up recently and decided to split the house.

I got the outside..

How would you split the Roman Empire in half?

With a pair of Caesars.

Any action taken to get a split up music group to patch things up...

Is a Band-Aid.

How do married Jedi split up?

By using Di Force

A Scotsman is walking down the street when he spots two guys fighting. Without a second thought, he marches over to them, splits them apart and says...

"Is this a private fight or can anyone join in?"

Jimmy Neutron (Split Personalities)

Jimmy Electron, Jimmy Proton and Carl Weiner

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I asked a homeless man if he wanted to split a bag of chips

He told me to fuck off and get my own bag

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Three men go to hell and they’re pissed

“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.”

Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with”
...

If hydrolysis is splitting things with water and electrolysis is splitting things with electricity...

... What is analysis?

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A girl I dated from my local opticians text me saying I've got a split personality.

Wait, no. It says "shit".

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Two lions split up their territory. One takes New Mexico, the other takes Texas.

Two lions split up their territory. One takes New Mexico, the other takes Texas. After the winter, they meet up again. The Texas lion is all skin and bones by the end of it.

The New Mexico lion says, "What the hell happened to you? You must have been doing something wrong with your hunting."<...

My favourite band used to be The Conspiracy Theorists, but they split up.

It was the government's fault.

How do you split $6 between 5 mexicans?

You cut *Juan* out.

For a second I thought I had a split personality...

But then I was able to convince him he didn't.

Who split the arctic sea?

Eskimoses

What did the peninsula say before it was split in half by a flowing mass of water?

Crimea River

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My daughter has a split personality.

She's a "sweetheart" to my wife but a little shit to me.

I don't suffer from split-personality...

...and neither do I

One day at a MacDonald's.....

....a young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup.

As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he pour...

I can't believe I just found out R.E.M. split up.

I suppose the rest of the band just weren't Michael's type.

How many D&D players does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them. Never split the party.

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A Father takes his son Timmy to a baseball game

While watching the game the father orders a beer and gets his son a soda.

Timmy asks "Dad can I have a beer?"

Dad replies "Can your dick reach your asshole?"

Timmy replies "no it cannot"

Dad says "then you can't have a beer"

After the game they go to dinner. Dad o...

I fainted at an Indian restaurant when I found out that R.E.M had split up

That's me in the korma.

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I’m trying to introduce my wife to my Scooby Doo sex fantasy.

I think it’s working, she said we should split up. She went to her parents house and I’m looking for clues in the garden.

My ex and I split up with no hostility...

We had a non-diss closure agreement

Wanna see a banana split?

Wait until it turns black and tell it he's the father.

What do you need to split a photon?

A lightsabre

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So my wife is a sex addict and just as into mechanics

When we split she went f*cking nuts

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