My wife says we should split up because I keep pretending I'm a detective

I said good idea, we can cover more ground that way

A guy limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.

The attendant began to make it for him and said "Crushed nuts?" And the guy said, No, I just have a bad knee."

A wife comes home one day and tells her husband she has been diagnosed as suffering from split personality syndrome.

“I thought you were just role playing”, replied the husband.

“No, but my psychologist has given me two options, live with it or lose one of the personalities” she says. “What do you think I should do”?

The husband thinks for a moment, “remind me dear, which one likes it in the ass”?

Bill Gates recently split up with Melinda Gates, who will take half of his belongings, including Microsoft office.

But she will only get Microsoft Excel and Powerpoint, because he always keeps his Word.



shoutout u/Duttywood

Adam, the first human, walks into a comedy club. He hears a funny joke and totally splits a rib…

Now his chest hurts and he has to drive Eve home.



(An original, by yours truly.)

Why are Melinda and Bill gates splitting up?

Because he is MicroSoft.

How did Rome get split in two?

With a pair of caesars

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My girlfriend said she wants to split her tongue to give me the best blowjobs

Now I look at snakes all different.

How did Moses split the Red Sea?

With a "sea"saw.

I recently split up with my tennis playing girlfriend

Love means nothing to her

What do you call a scientist who splits atoms to create bubbly beverages?

A nuclear fizzicist.

A guy got chatting to a girl in a club. "Can I buy you a drink?" he asked.....

"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends."

He looked downcast, "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please."

One glass of wine led to a second. A few ...

I fainted in the curry house when I heard R.E.M had split up

That's me in the Korma

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A businessman was going on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

So he went to a sex shop and started looking around. He goes up to the clerk and explains his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, strap ons, eggs, bullets, wing-wangers and fling-flongers..."

The Businessman in...

My partner just split up with me because she thinks I’m obsessed with football.

I’m a bit gutted about it – we’d been going out for three seasons.

My wife and I split up because of psychological reasons...

She was Psycho and I was Logical.

I was at the gym yesterday, and I asked the Personal Trainer if they could teach me how to do the splits. 'How flexible are you?' they asked...

...I said 'well, I can do any day apart from Tuesdays and Fridays'.

We should split Michigan into two states

Mich and Mich Again.

A man experiencing a split personality went to the psychiatrist. One personality swore he was a teepee and the other swore he was a wigwam.

The psychiatrist replied, "You're just too tense"

How do you pronounce "banana split"?

Ban-ana

“I have a split personality”

Said Tom, being frank

What do you call two junkies trying to split a bag?

Crystal Math

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So I split up with my boyfriend, last night and he stole my toilet...

Guess, I shouldn't have told him to take all his shit and leave

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An woman was taking a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped over, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Dave. "Dave! Dave!” she yelled. Dave came running in. "Dave, I've fuckin’ suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Holy shit!" he said and tried to pull her up."You're just too heavy girl. I'll go across the road and get Steve"

They came back and they both trie...

My wife said she'd leave me if I didn't stop speaking in Scooby Doo references...

Alright gang, let's split up.

I wanted to crack a joke about the road that splits the US-Canada border..

But then I realized, it would be crossing the line.

A great scientist invents a machine to split the pain of birth between a couple...

He finds a couple who just went into labour, and asks them if he can use the machine on them, as a test.

The couple agrees, and the husband says "We can split it 50 - 50, its only fair". So the scientist turns the machine up to 50%, just as the baby begins coming out, and the women starts gro...

A little bacteria was celebrating his birthday...

and all of his microbial friends got together to bake him a cake.

He was so excited upon seeing the cake that he underwent mitosis and split in two.

The microbial friends all worried that now there werent enough cakes, and that perhaps they should have planned better...

But actu...

How can you tell if a ballerina hasn't taken a bath in while?

She does a split and sticks to the floor.

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

I am so single

when I go to a restaurant I split the bill between my two bank accounts

What did Luke say to Han and Leia when they split up?

May divorce be with you.

Syria has officially split into two separate countries.

They are now SyriA and SyriB

Splitting 5 ways

2020 is all about splitting-in-5, TSLA, AAPL … if you split 2020 in 5 as well it is 404, which make sense as the entire year has been an error message..

You can't see me. I am a man with inseparable values, but I cannot do the splits. :(

**INDIVISIBLE MAN!**

If California splits into 3 states, we just need to make Puerto Rico a state.

We’d have a prime number of states and finally be “one nation, indivisible”

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant.....

the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," says the husband kiddingly, “she's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't bee...

What do you call a Waffle with a Split Personality?

Alter Eggo.

Stupid joke in description, too short to split into title and desc

A plateau is the highest form of flattery.

Me and my partner were doing some spring cleaning

All the chores had piled up over winter. There was so many tasks to complete so we decided to split them up. She told me to do the living room and bedroom because there was more to do there and she would take the kitchen.
I said "man.. I got 99 problems but a dish ain't one"

Moses, Jesus and an old man are playing golf together.

Moses swings and the ball rolls towards a river. The river splits and the ball goes through. Jesus shrugs, and hits the ball straight onto the river. It rolls straight over. The old man smiles and hits the ball into the river. A fish swallows the ball, an eagle swoops down, grabs the fish and flies...

Bill and Bob go hunting. They split up, and Bob soon finds Bill with a snake bite in his neck.

Bob calls 911, and says “I went hunting with my friend and I just found him dead with a snake bite on his neck!” 911 says “Ok, first let’s make sure he’s dead”. A gunshot is heard. Bob says, “Ok, now what?”

My sister when through a phase where she spontaneously split down the middle making two identical copies. Now they are...

My one Sis and Mitosis.

Distribution of collection money

A pastor, a priest and a rabbi discuss how they split up the collection between themselves and god.

Said the pastor "I draw a circle on the ground, then I throw the money in the air. What falls in the circle is mine, what's outside is god's".

Said the priest "I have a similar method, I...

My wife always gets mad about splitting the grocery bill because "she doesn't eat doritos and Cadbury eggs"

But I've never used any of the cleaning supplys she always buys , and you never hear me complaining.

A Spartan, a Samurai and a Skald are summoned for Mortal Kombat.

Their first opponent is the dread-sorcerer Shang Tsung. The Spartan goes first, and quickly overpowers Shang Tsung, but is unsure of what to do next. Shang Tsung then speaks a word of power and the Spartan trips over his own cape and impales himself headfirst upon his spear. Shang Tsung laughs and s...

Why couldn’t the molecule split up?

It was in a legally bonding contract.

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My girlfriend said she was tired of me acting like a detective and told me that we should split up

I said "Good idea we'll cover more ground that way"

She also got pissed at me and said that I ruined her birthday which I have no idea how I didn't even know it was her birthday


I heard these two jokes when I was a kid and they've always made me laugh, I know they are kind of old b...

Stole my ex's wheelchair when we split

Guess who came crawling back!?

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A man was talking to his therapist about finding the right woman. A man was sitting in his therapist’s office telling him about how he finally managed to find the right woman, after a whopping 3 divorces.

He says, “well the first wife was quite the fireball and we had good chemistry, but she was a fitness instructor and during sex always yelled ‘HARDER! STRONGER! KEEP UP THAT HEART RATE!’ and at some point I just couldn’t keep up... so we split.”

“Well,” said the therapist, “what about the sec...

This guy goes to the doctor...

So, this guy goes to the doctor because he's not feeling well.

The doctor asks him "What's wrong?"

The guy says "I've got this splitting headache and it feels like there's a knife in my guts. What's wrong with me, Doc?"

The doctor replies "I don't know. My guess it's something t...

Theoretical duck

What did the duck say after it split the atom ?

Quark ! Quark !

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Unfortunate

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.

Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up...

How does a lawyer sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.



A few other excellent puns:

He wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then he changed his mind.

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? - Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.

A ...

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There's a little known legend about the Brothers Grimm: they wanted to write a story to rival The Ugly Duckling. For 'research' purposes, they bought a hundred ducks and released them into a cave..

..planning to return years later to document their behavior. Unfortunately both passed away before that, and the project was forgotten.


This information came to light hundreds of years later in 2>!XXX!<, during an investigation into strange quacking noises and numerous missing p...

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Why did the butt cheeks split up?

Too much crap between them

I think my girlfriend is obsessed with scooby doo.

She keeps telling me we should split up and search for other people.

This one is a bit of a long one so just bear with me. It is a joke commonly said among post soviet people

Stalin sits at his usual table, in the glorius kremlin studying the map of eastern germany. His pencil sitting proudly beside him. Comrade Stalin looks away for a split second, and the pencil is gone! Stalin takes out a second pencil and places it on the table. Looks the other way again and the seco...

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Getting a divorce from my Husband, we are gonna split the house 50/50.

I am having the inside he is having the fucking outside..

Its the homecoming dance, and so far the gym is split between boys and girls.

Several minutes pass until the boys start talking to the girls and asking them to dance. One after another the girls get asked to. All but one remains. Nobody has asked her out due to her fake wooden eye that she has.

Then suddenly, one boy realizes her sitting alone and wishes she was havin...

The tale of Sister obvious

Once upon a time there was a nun called Sister obvious, they called her that as she was very logical and had a solution for most things.

One day, Sister obvious and a fellow nun was walking home from the market when her fellow nun (let’s call her Sister May) said “Sister, I think there’s a ma...

Why was the pregnant apple so upset?

Because her boyfriend, the banana, split.

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A young man is heading home from a big night in the town. As he walks through a seedier part of the city, he spots a lady of the night who is the most beautiful woman he has ever set his eyes upon.

A young man is heading home from a big night in the town.


As he walks through a seedier part of the city, he spots a lady of the night who is the most beautiful woman he has ever set his eyes upon.


He wanders over to her and quietly asks, "How much?"


The sex wo...

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I ran into the gas station with my mask on saying, "This is a Stick Up!"

The clerk laughed.

The man paying for a coffee laughed.

The lady grabbing a candy bar laughed.

They thought I was joking, so I quickly made a small purchase.

When the cashier had the drawer open, I said hand me the large bills and a carton behind the counter.

The c...

My wife once asked me if I would ever sleep with her sister if we split up.

“Which sister?” is not the correct answer.

3 guys stole a beer.

So three guys stole a beer and planned to split it 3 ways but they were very paranoid about being caught so they decided to wait the night out of town so as to not get caught. After leaving town you know they built a campsite and decided to take shifts watching their beer to make sure it’s safe... s...

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My trip to Japan

I went to Japan as a little boy. I was like 10 but it was a blast for me and others. First memory was from the airport when a fat man cut us off in the line to the airplane, but he got dropped off the flight as he didn't have his ticket, or maybe he lost his passport... I am splitting atoms anyway s...

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Why are your butt cheeks split up vertically?

If it were horizontally, running down the stairs would sound like someone clapping their hands.

How did the Roman Empire split into 2?

They used a pair of “caesars”
(I made this in my global class, if you guys don’t know what happened during the Roman Empire they were so big to control that they divided into two)
pls no bully me

Two patients were sitting in a mental hospital cafetaria

Suddenly on the table over, a man, sitting all alone, started laughing hysterically.

First patient asked, "What do you make of that?"

"What, Jimmy two-face over there? That guy has split personality disorder", said the second patient.

"So what?" said the first patient.

"...

There are no divorce courts at the North Pole, so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon.

They're great for separating independent Clauses.

Two clever nuns

There were two nuns

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and...

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And then the fight started . . .

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'
  
And then the fight started...

----------

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do yo...

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Bernie Sanders goes to a union brothel

Bernie Sanders decides he wants to seek out a prostitute in a brothel, but not just any brothel will do. As a true champion of the working class he will only give his patronage to a true union institution.

He walks into the first brothel and he asks the owner, "if I were to pay $100, how much...

Someone broke into my house last night,

Looking for money. I got up and helped him, we split 50 bucks each.

Magicians are celebrating 100 years of sawing people in half

I'm split in two about it.

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I live about a four miles from my favorite pub - The Horse Brass.

It’s a 10 minute drive. I had a couple pints with my buddies and walked out to the car, and realized I needed to take a piss. Walk back? Nah, just get home, it’s 10 minutes.

About halfway home I realized the beer pee was filling fast so I pulled in behind the Walgreens where the dumpsters ar...

People keep telling me that I have split-personality disorder.

But that’s just me being frank with you all.

What did American physicists say to the US government after German scientists discovered how to split atoms?

Don’t worry, theres other fission, DC.

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A man gives his wife blood to keep her alive.

Later they split up, man says, I want my fucking blood back,

wife throws a tampon at him and says I'll pay monthly.

[negotiating candy with a 3 year old]

**Me:** we can split this 50/50

**3yo:** 60/50

**Me:** that's not how math works...

**3yo [narrows eyes]:** 80/50

A Scotsman is walking down the street when he spots two guys fighting. Without a second thought, he marches over to them, splits them apart and says...

"Is this a private fight or can anyone join in?"

Media : Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas broke up after nearly a year together.

Me : BenAna Split

How do churches split the collections?

A man goes to a Catholic church and says to the priest "Father, I was wondering, how do you decide how much of each collection goes to God and how much goes to you?" and the priest says "Come come, I'll show you." So the priest draws a circle on the ground and says "I throw the collection up in the...

My room mate says I have a split personality.

Jokes on him... I don't have a room mate.

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Two guys run their own business out of the same storefront, allowing them to split the rent. The first guy has a bagel shop in the morning hours. After he clears out the second guy runs a martial arts studio in the afternoon. But what do they call the shop? What name on the sign works for both?

Jew Dough

My last girlfriend was a Geologist...

She kept finding faults in me. Cracks soon appeared and we eventually split.

By the time Dave pulled into the small town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office. "You've got to have a room somewhere" he pleaded.

"Or just a bed - I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "And he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loud that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "N...

A police officer, was scheduled for all-night duty at the station...

... he was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom, and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said "Honey, would you go down to the all-nigh...

Would you like to try our new Banana Split dessert?

It has a lot of a-peel.

(I tell this one at work all the time 😝)

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself cautiously, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to rati...

We should add a leap second to December 31st 2020

Just to make people watching the live clock think for a split second that the year will never end

Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one orders a beer.
The second one orders half a beer.
The third one orders a quarter of a beer.
The fourth one orders an eighth of a beer.
At this point, the bartender has enough, poors the mathematicians two beers and says: "There you go, split them yourselves."

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Why did they split up while going through all that shit?

Because that’s what buttcheeks do.

Muhammad Ali’s son was conceived over his parents splitting a veggie platter.

His name was Brock Ali.

Doing the splits

I told my yoga instructor I wanted to be able to do the splits. She asked how flexible I was. I told her I couldn't come on Tuesdays.

If hydrolysis is splitting things with water and electrolysis is splitting things with electricity...

... What is analysis?

Going through a messy divorce I said to the wife, OK we will do this as adults, she says OK we split the stuff 50/50, half the house is yours the other half is mine.

I have the inside you have the outside..

The walnut tree (idk what to put for title lol)

One day, Johnny and his friend Bobby walked into the cemetery. There were a lot of fallen walnuts from the walnut tree that they wanted to share. They started splitting them and Johnny said "One for you, one for me! One for you, one for me!"

At this time, a little boy was biking along the roa...

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Superman is flying around the world, bored out of his mind, looking for some excitement...

As he zips past the beaches of Brazil, he looks down and sees Wonder Woman, completely naked, legs spread, laying on her back catching a tan.

At that moment, he thinks to himself how long it’s been since he last got laid. He then says to himself, “I’m Superman! I can fly down there in a split...

He was an expert on all types of atom splitting.

In fact you could say he is a fission-ado.

Last night I did Stand-Up in a Bowling Alley parking lot

Some of my jokes struck out. The audience was split.

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