The 74+ Best Split Jokes

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea", I replied, "We can cover more ground that way."

Tom said, "I have a split personality."

He was being Frank.

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Split up with my lying, cheating, thieving girlfriend last month and it's been nothing but Happy Days since.

The bitch took all my other box-sets.

My girlfriend said we should split up.

When I asked why, she responded “I’m just not in a good state right now” so I responded, “Utah?”

Where do you learn to make banana splits?

Sundae school

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Man goes on holiday to Italy

A guy walks into a barbershop and sits in the chair.

The barber asks, “Are you going anywhere on holiday this year?”

Guy replies, “Yes actually, my wife and I are going to Italy.”

Barber says, “Why you going there? It’s rubbish!”

Guy says, “Well, the weather is supposed t...

A Turk, a Frenchman and an Englishman were traveling by train.

When it got hot in their room in the train, the Frenchman opened the window and a fly flew in.

To show his skill, the Frenchman drew his sword and hit the fly with one blow and it split in two. While the others looked on in amazement, the Frenchman took his business card out of his pocket and...

I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits

He replied, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make it on Tuesdays."

I used to have a split personality

But I don't anymore, and neither do I

Why did the banana split?

Because it saw the ice cream!

My wife decided to split the house post our divorce

I got the outside...

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He knows it, everything, the whole truth.

While playing in the street, little Johnny's 9-year-old friend shows him his new bike.

\- “Whoa, where did you get that from” Johnny asks.

\- “Well”, his friend tells him: ‘I bought it for a 100 bucks that I made yesterday.’

Johnny, 9 years old and getting 1 dollar per week of p...

A hypochondriac goes to his doctor

Hypochondriac: Doctor, I have no idea what’s wrong with me but I’m in pain everywhere on my body. My stomach hurts. My bones and joints hurt. I’m always nauseous. I always have a splitting headache. I’ve come to you for years and you keep telling me there’s nothing wrong but I FEEL like there is som...

How was Rome split in two?

With a pair of Ceasars

Me and my wife have been artists together for ten years, and suddenly she splits up with me because I’m sterile?

I’m drawing a blank here.

Military exercise

Drill Sargeant: Listen up ladies, you see these sticks? Pinecones?, Those are your training weapons!

John: So a stick is our rifle? And pinecones are grenades?

Drill sargeant: Look who's catching on, yes If you believe hard enough you won't need an actual rifle or a grenade. Not just s...

What do you call a Toblerone if it is split into half?

A Toblertwo

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A Spartan, a Samurai and a Viking are summoned to Outworld for Mortal Kombat.

Their first opponent is the dread-sorcerer Shang Tsung.

The Spartan goes first, and quickly overpowers Shang Tsung, but is unsure of what to do next. Shang Tsung then speaks a word of power and the Spartan trips over his own cape and impales himself headfirst upon his own spear. Sha...

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A knight is riding on the road in search of adventures.

He sees the road splitting ahead of him, and next to the fork. a rock with some writing upon it. The knight dismounts and reads:

*Should thou go right, thou shalt lose thy steed. Should thou go left, thou shalt lose thy life. Should thou go straight ahead, thou shalt go fucking nuts.*

...

Two women decide to make some money by betting on horse races.

They come to the track and start thinking which horse to bet upon. After all, they don't know much about the matter. Suddenly, one says:

**Woman 1**: Listen, I have an idea. What's your cup size?

**Woman 2**: C.

**Woman 1**: And mine is D. That's three and four. Three plus four ...

Emma has a skirt

With a split right up its side,
And everywhere that Emma goes,
The boys can see her thighs.

Emma has another skirt,
With a split right up the front....

.
.
.
.
.

She doesn't wear that one.

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Harry the horse

Once upon a time, in a quaint little village nestled between rolling green hills, there lived a horse named Harry. Now, Harry was no ordinary horse; he possessed an uncanny ability to make the most mundane situations utterly hilarious. His knack for comedy made him the talk of the town, and villager...

The CEO offered an employee a bonus of $10k or to double it and pass it on

The CEO offered an employee a bonus of $10k or to double it and pass it on to the next employee.

The first employee elected to double and pass it on. The CEO thought what a generous individual this was and then moved on to the next employee.

The next employee also declined the (now)...

Me and my girlfriend split up because she said I thought about video games too much.

It’s such a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

Some people think I have a split personality.

To them I say: "No, he doesn't."

I went to a psychiatrist today. She told me I had a split personality and charged me $160

I gave her $80 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.

An old couple goes out for lunch.

They order one burger, one small fry, and one drink. The man gets an extra cup and pours half of the drink into the other cup, gets a plastic knife and cuts the burger in half, and dumps out the fries and divides them.

I noticed and asked if they needed a few bucks to buy another meal. The o...

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Weekend at the beach

So, three couples decide to go to the beach for the weekend. When they get there, there are only two rooms available at the hotel so they decide to split up - three women in one room, three men in the other. At around midnight, one of the guys says outload "guys I gotta go visit my wife". The second...

Why didn't King Solomon follow through with his decree to cut the baby in half?

Because he didn't like to split heirs.

If California splits into 3 states, we just need to make Puerto Rico a state.

We’d have a prime number of states and finally be “one nation, indivisible”

Why do ducks only eat alone at restaurants?

Because it’s a pain to split their bill

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Vincent Van Gogh, Pablo Picasso, Claude Monet, and Leonardo De Vinci are all eating at a nice restaurant when the waitress comes around with the bill.

They’d all ordered the same item and had previously agreed to split the bill four ways.

When they looked at the check, however, they saw that the 10% gratuity would not split evenly, so one of them would end up paying an extra $0.01.

“We should have an art competition to decide,” Da Vi...

My wife and I split up because of psychological reasons...

She was Psycho and I was Logical.

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high-school reunion...

And I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober sinc...

What weighs 10 tons, consumes 20 liters of diesel per hour and splits apples into three parts?

A Soviet apple quartering machine.

What did Kris Jenner say to Caitlin Jenner when they split up ?

.. you're not the man I fell in love with !

The Case Of The Industrial Fire

The industrial fire had been raging for a few hours and no one was able to stop it. Someone called all the fire stations in the nearby towns, and almost all of them were there within minutes. Despite managing to contain the fire by forming a circle around it, the center was still going strong, with ...

A great scientist invents a machine to split the pain of birth between a couple...

He finds a couple who just went into labour, and asks them if he can use the machine on them, as a test.

The couple agrees, and the husband says "We can split it 50 - 50, its only fair". So the scientist turns the machine up to 50%, just as the baby begins coming out, and the women starts gro...

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So I split up with my boyfriend, last night and he stole my toilet...

Guess, I shouldn't have told him to take all his shit and leave

A guy limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.

The attendant began to make it for him and said "Crushed nuts?" And the guy said, No, I just have a bad knee."

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I used to be a necrophiliac

but the rotten bitch split on me.

An elderly couple decides to live it up a little and go to McDonald's...

When they order the food, the old man divides the fries in half and splits the burger in two.

Some students see this and offer to buy some more food so that they can both eat a whole sandwich.

"No, no, that's fine," says the old man, "We share everything."

So the old man start...

A wife comes home one day and tells her husband she has been diagnosed as suffering from split personality syndrome.

“I thought you were just role playing”, replied the husband.

“No, but my psychologist has given me two options, live with it or lose one of the personalities” she says. “What do you think I should do”?

The husband thinks for a moment, “remind me dear, which one likes it in the ass”?

Two men are walking when they suddenly find $500 laying on the street

They decide to keep the money for themselves. The first man says: 'We should split it fifty fifty'

The other one replies: 'What about the remaining $400?'

An old lady goes to the Airport with her dog in a pet carrier.

She says to the ticket agent, “I am going to Israel with my dog and I want to make sure nothing happens to him. He is very important to me. Please take good care of him and I will reward you with $10,000”. The ticket agent says no problem and takes the pet carrier. She goes to the baggage handlers a...

Bill Gates recently split up with Melinda Gates, who will take half of his belongings, including Microsoft office.

But she will only get Microsoft Excel and Powerpoint, because he always keeps his Word.

shoutout u/Duttywood

What should you never ask an atom?

Do a split!

My friend offered to show me a magic trick.

"Sure," I said.

My friend pulled out a deck of cards, shuffled it thoroughly, then gave it to me.

"Pick a card, any card. Look at it, then put it back," he said.

I was suspicious, so I asked him if I could shuffle the deck, too. He agreed, so I shuffled it five times, cut the de...

My wife once asked me if I would ever sleep with her sister if we split up.

“Which sister?” is not the correct answer.

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An woman was taking a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped over, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Dave. "Dave! Dave!” she yelled. Dave came running in. "Dave, I've fuckin’ suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Holy shit!" he said and tried to pull her up."You're just too heavy girl. I'll go across the road and get Steve"

They came back and they both trie...

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My girlfriend said she was tired of me acting like a detective and told me that we should split up

I said "Good idea we'll cover more ground that way"

She also got pissed at me and said that I ruined her birthday which I have no idea how I didn't even know it was her birthday

I heard these two jokes when I was a kid and they've always made me laugh, I know they are kind of old b...

I fainted at an Indian restaurant when I found out that R.E.M had split up

That's me in the korma.

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My girlfriend said she wants to split her tongue to give me the best blowjobs

Now I look at snakes all different.

What do you call a scientist who splits atoms to create bubbly beverages?

A nuclear fizzicist.

Adam, the first human, walks into a comedy club. He hears a funny joke and totally splits a rib…

Now his chest hurts and he has to drive Eve home.

(An original, by yours truly.)

Why are Melinda and Bill gates splitting up?

Because he is MicroSoft.

My partner just split up with me because she thinks I’m obsessed with football.

I’m a bit gutted about it – we’d been going out for three seasons.

We should split Michigan into two states

Mich and Mich Again.

A man experiencing a split personality went to the psychiatrist. One personality swore he was a teepee and the other swore he was a wigwam.

The psychiatrist replied, "You're just too tense"

What do you call two junkies trying to split a bag?

Crystal Math

Syria has officially split into two separate countries.

They are now SyriA and SyriB

A Scotsman is walking down the street when he spots two guys fighting. Without a second thought, he marches over to them, splits them apart and says...

"Is this a private fight or can anyone join in?"

I wanted to crack a joke about the road that splits the US-Canada border..

But then I realized, it would be crossing the line.

What do you call a Waffle with a Split Personality?

Alter Eggo.

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Getting a divorce from my Husband, we are gonna split the house 50/50.

I am having the inside he is having the fucking outside..

Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the t...

My sister when through a phase where she spontaneously split down the middle making two identical copies. Now they are...

My one Sis and Mitosis.

How did the Roman Empire split into 2?

They used a pair of “caesars”
(I made this in my global class, if you guys don’t know what happened during the Roman Empire they were so big to control that they divided into two)
pls no bully me

Stole my ex's wheelchair when we split

Guess who came crawling back!?

Splitting 5 ways

2020 is all about splitting-in-5, TSLA, AAPL … if you split 2020 in 5 as well it is 404, which make sense as the entire year has been an error message..

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Why did the butt cheeks split up?

Too much crap between them

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If our ass was split horizontally

It would clap when we run down the stairs

My wife always gets mad about splitting the grocery bill because "she doesn't eat doritos and Cadbury eggs"

But I've never used any of the cleaning supplys she always buys , and you never hear me complaining.

You can't see me. I am a man with inseparable values, but I cannot do the splits. :(

**INDIVISIBLE MAN!**

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