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Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person

"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf Hitler, 1945

My career’s in ruins!

A man walks into a bar and finds its patrons raucously celebrating with a young man standing on the bar shouting for more drinks, on him.

He walks up to the bar and shouts to the young man, “What’s the occasion?”

“My career’s in ruins!” the lad cackles.

The man, shocked, replies...

How do you ruin a dragon's birthday party?

Tell him to blow out the candles on his cake.

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Nothing ruins sex with a monkey faster than...

Remembering you work in an AIDS research lab.

I told my friend that I never knew that Rage Against the Machine was so political, and that it really ruined the music for me.

He looked at me deadpan and asked, "What machine did you think they were raging against, the dishwasher?

Coronavirus ruining your plans for 2020? Save them for 2022!

Cause 2022 is 2020 too.

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My girlfriend broke up with me last week because I “kept ruining sex for her.”

Turns out girls don’t like it when you call their clits “Throbbin’ Hood.”

What are 4 words that can ruin a man's self esteem?

"Is it in yet?"

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Have you ever had a leg cramp ruin sex?

I'm sitting on the chair when my cramps up and I Yelp so loud that my wife and her boyfriend stop having sex. They look at me and say "how long have you been there?" And I say "The whole time! I'm the one making this video."

I decided to ruin my friend’s proposal to someone else, so here’s what happened

I think the title sounds worse than it really is. My (24M) best friend (24M) Hugh was planning to propose to his girlfriend Samantha (25F) by recreating some of the moments from their early dates. This included watching the Pixar movie Up and going rock climbing at an indoor gym, among other things....

The quarantine has ruined many marriages but mine is still going strong.

Just the other day I woke up to my beautiful and loving wife holding a pillow tightly over my face to protect me from the coronavirus.

Spaghetti

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the chi...

Ruined a brand new pair of shoes.

It's raining cats and dogs out and I stepped in a poodle.

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what do you call a ruined pizza?

a pizza shit!

My girlfriend isn't talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.

I'm not sure how. I don't even know it's her birthday.

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Homosexuals have ruined threesomes for me.

Every time I have one, both of the other dudes turn out to be gay.

A man's girlfriend went to Europe for 5 days with some girlfriends.

She asked her boyfriend to watch her cat while she was gone. The first day she was gone, the cat was hit by a car and was killed. The first day she was gone she called and asked how her cat was doing. He didn't want to ruin her vacation so he said the cat was fine. The second day she called and he s...

I was just on my way to a fancy dress party in my counterfeit money costume, when someone came along and ruined my plans.



I got held up.

Scotish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve: “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing"...

"Forty-five years of misery is enough”, he continued.

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”...

What’s the best way to ruin a wedding?

Don’t know, I didn’t go to mine.

Add a word to ruin a movie:

**- Batman Begins College - The Longest Yard Sale - Charlottes Web Cam.**



Your Turn :)

One day there were three grave robbers searching through a graveyard in Central America

They came across an Ancient Mayan temple which had three doors. the first grave robber walker up to the first door and looked inside, he saw a black pedestal with nothing on it, and in the back of the room there were piles of gold and riches, so he walked in and grabbed a handful of gold, but as he ...

What’s 6.9?

A great thing ruined by a period

Yo mama so ugly

Yo momma so ugly the whole world faked a virus and ruined the economy just to make her wear a mask

The internet ruined me

Thanks to the internet, I can no longer use the phrase lollygag in casual conversation.

Joseph

One night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend, when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, fell over and broke my glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, I didn't even know where he was from, but since he was my roommat...

How did the duck ruin his life?

Quack-cocaine.

Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!'

and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?

What game ruins most relationships?

Russian Roulette

A man accompanied by his big ugly daughter was traveling on a lonely road when they were held by bandits and looted of his belongings.

As the bandits disappeared in the distance, he moaned to his daughter, “I’m ruined. In years I saved those ninety thousand dollars. All my other worldly possessions were in that leather suitcase. I lost everything.”

“Not everything, dad” The girl said coyly. “I saved the money.”

“What...

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Bar joke

Man walks into a bar with an octopus, bartender asks him to leave, man says "this is a special octopus and he can play any instrument in the world", bartender says "if thats true not only can you stay but your drinks are free". Man sits down and the bartender passes a flute, sure enough the octopus ...

My body is like a Greek Temple

In ruins

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Pink ping pong balls

Once upon a time there was a father and a son. It was the son’s tenth birthday and his father said,

“Son, you are the most precious thing in the world to me. Whatever you ask for your birthday, you shall receive.”

His son replied,

“Dad, all I want for my birthday is a pink ping ...

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What food ruins sex?

Wedding cake

How many geeks does it take to ruin a joke?

You mean nerd, not geek. And not joke, but riddle. Proceed.

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my uncle had a freudian slip when he was having dinner with his wife

he meant to say: "can you pass the salt?"

but he end up saying: "you ruined my life you selfish bitch"

What's the difference between a lawyer and a journalist?

A lawyer will ruin someone's life for $400/hour. A journalist will do it for free.

Yesterday I was cleaning and came across pictures of my wife and another woman going at it

I came across it again a few minutes later. Unfortunately that time ruined it.

A Mouse and A Lion walk into a Bar

They’re sitting there chugging away at a few beers when a giraffe walks in. “Get a load of her” says the mouse, “I fancy that!”

“Well, why not try your luck?” says the lion.

So the mouse goes over to the giraffe and starts talking to her, and within five minutes they’re out the door an...

How do you know your comment ruined someones joke?

\[deleted\]

I have the worst neighbour ever! He keeps on banging on the wall at 3 a.m.

Completely ruins my drumming practice.

I must be Lara Croft

My life is in ruins

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Boris Johnson, Nigel Farage and Dominic Cummings arrive at the pearly gates.

“Confess a sin” says St. Peter “and I shall grant you access to paradise.”

Johnson goes first, fuffing and fumfering.
“I lied about many things, mostly promising £350 million for the NHS after Brexit which was bollocks. My lot looked into it though and decided it was technically okay.”...

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A man hires the best house painter in town to repaint his house but he's not cheap

The man doesn't care and agrees to the salary anyway, the next day the painter shows up and the man's hot wife opens the door because her husband is out.

She shows him the room where he can start and says that she will check on him every once in a while.

5 minutes later she shows up in...

Drugs don't ruin careers

Drug Tests do.

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TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and demanded $20.00 for their first lovemaking Encounter. In his highly aroused state, Her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
C...

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Tom was asked to write an essay about family

Tom wasn’t a very bright boy. So when he got home he went to ask his mother for help. His mother sees a stray cat outside attacking her plants to which she whispers “You son of a bitch it’s on” looks at Tom and replies “I’m busy, bother someone else.” Tom writes that down.


Tom then went t...

Friar's Flower Shop

Two brothers, Joey and Jimmy Bagadonuts, owned a flower shop in a small town in New Jersey, and business was great. They were the only game in town, until one day, two friars moved in across the street and opened their own flower shop. Having higher quality flowers, as well as the religious aspect, ...

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Hitler, Stalin, and COVID were having a debate

"Who amongst us is the most hated?" Hitler asked

Stalin said "It is I, the Soviet Union killed more people than even you, Hitler!"

COVID says "NONSENSE! I've kept everyone in quarantine for 6 months, ruined global economy, and killed hundreds of thousands of people. I am the most hate...

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Adolf Hitler and my wife have the same birthday. It's crazy to think that such a loathsome figure, who ruined the lives of so many people...

Shares the same birthday as Adolf Hitler.

I ran across some douchbag millennial in the store running his mouth, calling me a boomer and blaming me for ruining the world. Then he acted like he wanted to fight me.

I said "That's pretty big talk for a guy with no health insurance."

Just ruined my laptop

Accidentally poured alcohol on it and all the drivers started crashing.

Emergency!

The largest condom factory in the States burns down. President Trump is awoken at 4 am by the telephone.


"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the ...

Today is a VERY, VERY sad day.

VERY VERY VERY SAD DAY. A good friend of mine, after 7 years of medical school and training has been fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He is still paying his school loans. T...

Monday morning in the office, a man notices that his colleague is very sad.

At breakfast, he approaches him:What's wrong? You look really beat today.

Don't ask, I had the worst weekend you could imagine.

What happened?

I was visiting an old friend that I haven't seen in years and the family caught me sniffing his sister's underwear.

Okay, that's ...

What do Australia and The Spice Girls have in common?

The rest of us are trying our best but Victoria is ruining it for everyone.

The best way to ruin a great joke on this sub

Is this:

Why did one lamb friendzone the other?

She didn’t want to ruin their friendsheep.

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Called my wife the other day from work: “BABE MY LIFE IS IN RUINS”

Her: For the last time you are an archeologist and this shit is getting old

I’m furious. My holiday is ruined! I’ve decided to sue the airline that lost my luggage.

My lawyer said that I don’t have a case.

I live with my boyfriend and my brother

I live with my boyfriend and my brother, both of whom I love very much but in very different ways. The only thing they have in common is they’ve both shared a bath with me at some point in their lives. One was a very erotic experience and the other, he did a poo whilst we were still sat in. It ruine...

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A man is golfing and gets a call from his mother-in-law...

“Steve! Thank God! Sharon’s been in a terrible accident! She’s at the hospital! Drop what you’re doing and get right down there!”

“Oh my God! My poor wife!”

He gets ready to leave and thinks- “I’m on the 17th green and 4 shots under par. She’s really in the best hands. I’ll hurry up ...

There was a hunter who lived alone in the middle of the forest, in a small house by the river..

A short distance down a slope in front of his house, he had a garden where he would grow vegetables to supplement his diet of forest game and fish.


One morning, he awoke to the sounds of a thunderstorm and rushing water. Quickly getting dressed and stumbling outside, he saw the river ...

You know what really ruins my day?

Waking up in the morning.

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My wife said 'that having a little penis shouldn't ruin our sex life'...

I'd like to say I agree, but I wish she didn't have one

Yesterday, one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say, and quite frankly, it completely ruined our bath.

Ross Noble on Victoria Beckham

I don't know if you’re across this, but currently the country’s going through what scientists call "the Spice Girls paradigm"
Everyone's trying really hard, but Victoria's ruining it.

Yo Mamma so ugly...

Yo momma so ugly that we created a global conspiracy "plandemic" and ruined the world economy and expedited the new world order and ruined Trump's rally and banned the Confederate flag from nascar and cancelled major league baseball just so she'd wear a mask.

How do you ruin a good joke's punchline?

You repost it hundreds of times.

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My father in law just accidentally ruined my brother in law's cigar by sitting on it

Close butt, no cigar

Why did the hippie driver refuse heartburn medication?

Because anti-acid would ruin the trip

My stupid parents and their stupid great marriage.

Ruined my standup career.

I had dinner with my mother in law the other night. Was gonna ask "would you to pass the salt, please"

But instead my tounge twisted and I said
"You stupid cow. You've completely ruined my life."

People say gambling ruins lives, but it brought our family closer.

We now live in a one bedroom unit.

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Fucking millennials ruins the church

Priests need to stop doing that

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A man is running down the beach (long)

He's alone except he sees someone up ahead on a blanket

He sees it's a woman and she's crying. She has no arms or legs.

He stops and ask, "Why are you crying?"

She says, "I've never been hugged by a man before."

He looks up an down the beach, seeing nobody he reaches down...

Art thieves pillaged a museum of European 17th and 18th century artwork. They smashed windows, stole paintings, destroyed exhibits, and even did a number on the light fixtures. Everything about the place is a mere ruin of what it was yesterday.

It's all baroque now.

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A seer was recruited to help a party of heroes break into a ruined dungeon

The other heroes knew that his knowledge of the arcane would help them to understand and predict the nefarious traps that were sure to beset them within the darkened tunnels.



The dungeon's architect had laid it out as a chess board, and the party moved one by one along the squares. Th...

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Wife: Stop pretending your life is a youtube video!! It's ruining our marriage!

Me: Do you guys think it's ruining our marriage? Let me know in the comments below!

R.kelly says the recent accusations have ruined his relationship with his kids.

They must have been crushed to hear hes cheating on them.

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I had a freudian slip this morning

Instead of asking my wife to pass the milk I accidently said "God damn it, bitch you’re ruining my life!"

A regular golf course member is going for her regular solo 7:00am tee-off.

She makes a good putt to save par on the first green. As she walks along the long grass going to the second tee, she startles a wasp, and it stings her. Annoyed, but not wanting the event to ruin her day, she finishes her round.

When she gets to the clubhouse, she runs into the club pro....

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Warning, Adblock will ruin your dating prospects

I installed it, and now there aren't hundreds of sexy women in my area waiting to meet me.

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I use to work for a hardware store.

I was being trained by this older gentlemen and he was telling me that the job was all about the up sale. I told me to watch as he went up to someone buying grass seed.

"You should buy this new lawn mower too. You don't want to be cutting your nice new grass with an old lawnmower."

So...

A music composer told me he cant listen to the radio anymore because popular music was much of the same recycled musical ideas. Said learning too much about a certain topic can ruin the fun of that topic.

And that's why I didn't become a gynecologist

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Bob and Joe take the train to Pittsburg together every morning

Today when Bob arrived at the station, he was all flustered. Joe asked him what the matter was. Bob said “when I bought our tickets for the train, the cashier was very attractive and her blouse undone at the top. Instead of saying can I get two tickets to Pittsburg, I accidentally said can I get ...

Size does matter.

I was getting head from this chick for the first time but she kept talking. It was ruining my the whole experience.

Was trying to find the right words to make her stop talking.

What came out was “ it’s not polite to talk with your mouth full.”

She replied “well, it’s not....f...

I was talking to the local kids last night, telling them they are ruining what our forefather's created.

One kid said, "my mom sleeps around but I ain't got four fathers!". I shook my head and got his mom's number.

If you read the bible backwards its about a man sent to earth on a cross who is helped down by some Romans and told to go on his way. He then travels the world making people blind and giving them leprosy. He even ruins a meal for a huge crowd by turning all their food into 2 fish and 5 loaves.

He gets fewer followers as time goes by and in the end he's lying in a stable and 3 old men steal all his presents.

If I had a dollar for everytime someone over 40 told me my generation sucks....

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

The stock market is like a guy with IBS

All it takes is one fart to ruin the day.

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What was ruined because too many people started doing it?

Sex with my girlfriend.

My poor reading skills ruined my future as a pimp

But now I own a warehouse

An archaeologist was preparing to take a flight to some ancient Norse ruins.

Right as he left his house, he was mugged.

His cab was stolen.

His girlfriend called and said that they should see other people.

On his way to the airport, there was a terrible accident that caused him to miss his flight.

When he made it to the airport, he was selected fo...

A man is away on vacation and phones his brother to see how things are at home.

\-Hi Gary, how's everything going?

\-Oh, not so good. To start your cat died and...

\-Hold on a sec, Gary. You don't ruin someone's vacation and give bad news just like that. You have to be subtle. You could've just said "Oh, the cat's up on the roof right now" or something, so I do...

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The United States ruined Hiroshima. Which American city did Japan ruin?

Detroit

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