An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood.

A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood.
After several weeks of fuming at his chickens for making scratches and small dents in the hood of his car he decided to find a solution.
Coincidentally a salesperson came by his house and offered a s...

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A mother and her young son were driving in their car when a dildo suddenly flies outta nowhere and hits the windshield, the mother trying to not ruin the child’s innocence says “it was just a bug sweetie, don’t worry”

The kid replies saying “How it even got of the ground with a dick that big amazes me”

They currently think the person who ruined the Tour de France might have been German.

Well, she did try to take down a whole race...

Three words to ruin a man's ego

Is it in?

Someone always has to ruin it

Three friends stranded on a deserted island find a magic lamp. Inside it is a genie who agrees to grant each friend one wish.

“I want to go home,” says the first friend. The genie grants her wish.

“I want to go home, too,” says the second friend. And the genie sends her back home.
<...

What was completely ruined because too many people start doing it?

Yo momma.

Nothing ruins your Friday

Like finding out it’s only Thursday.

What ruined Tiger Woods’ golf career?

His driving game.

In the future, Donald Trump passes away from a heart attack.

He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil." You're on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as yo...

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was ...

A semi truck full of Ramen noodle caught fire today and the whole shipment was considered ruined

The total loss came out to be $73

My life was ruined by my obsession with video games.

Fortunately, I had another two lives.

What do you call an old, grumpy Avatar that comes back and ruins the economy every time you send him away?

A Boomer Aang.



P.S. I'm so sorry.

Coronavirus ruining your plans for 2020? Save them for 2022!

Cause 2022 is 2020 too.

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zealand , is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone

"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

PM: "Shut ...

Don't let anyone else ruin your day.

It's YOUR day.

Ruin it yourself.

I refused to wear a mask at work one day and now I've ruined the life of four people...

Being a bank robber sure isn't easy!

"Yeah. Those animals across our southern border have ruined their own country and our trying to invade and ruin ours. With their rampent guns and drugs... their government has become a shambles of nut job military and rich drug addicts who don't care about anyone!

Eh?"

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Sex ruined our friendship.

I wish my buddy hadn't walked in on me and his wife.

My career’s in ruins!

A man walks into a bar and finds its patrons raucously celebrating with a young man standing on the bar shouting for more drinks, on him.

He walks up to the bar and shouts to the young man, “What’s the occasion?”

“My career’s in ruins!” the lad cackles.

The man, shocked, replies...

Scientists Invent Machine That Can Ruin Any Pizza

It's called a microwave.

Hope You Get a Laugh

Three elderly men were relaxing on the beach in Florida.

One said “I owned a factory in New York state. One winter, the heat didn’t come on, the pipes froze and got water everywhere, and everything was ruined. I decided I was too old to start over, so I took the insurance money, sold the plac...

An archaeologist goes to search for some ancient ruins.

He trekked through the desert for 5 hours, but at last he found them.

Looking at the wall, he saw a stone engraving indicating there was fresh water only a short walk away.

The archaeologist then said "That's a relief!"

2020: I'm gonna ruin you like no other year has!

2021: has entered the chat.

2021 is typing.....

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Here It Is! The Poopie list!

Ghost Poopie--The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie--The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie--The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unw...

Earl and Darling are in love

Their relationship is prefect, they date, become engaged, and finally marry.

Then their first child comes and a healthy son is brought into this world. Darling has always been a bit of a hippie and she thinks that "Love" is the perfect name for him. Earl isn't quite sure about this, but he ...

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues,

when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there.

"NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. 

Finally, a cop came by, and the lawye...

Why did you ruin the Thanksgiving turkey at the last minute?

It just wasn't very well thawed out.
(it's bad, but it's mine)

By revealing the punchline first

How do you ruin a good joke?

Because it ruins the joke.

Why should you never put a punchline in the title?

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Just a slip of the tongue

A guy boards the flight and looks over at his row mate to see they have something in common and strikes up a conversation-

Guy 1 - Wow, what a coincidence. We both have a black eye!

Guy 2 - Yeah, it was really just a slip of the tongue. I was at the ticket counter and the woman behind ...

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I told my wife that I have the same birthday as Adolf Hitler.

She said, "It's crazy to think that such a loathsome figure, who ruined the lives of so many people, shares the same birthday as Adolf Hitler."

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Railroad

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, w...

This year my wife was struggling for ideas on what to get me for my birthday.

I said that for my birthday, I would like a threesome. I've never had one before, and I would feel like less of a creep if she organized it.

She was surprisingly on-board. She said that she had a friend from college who would probably be up for it.

But I think I ruined the night when ...

Add a word to ruin a movie:

**- Batman Begins College - The Longest Yard Sale - Charlottes Web Cam.**



Your Turn :)

I said to my wife “You are my drug”

She said: “Oh wow is it because you can’t get enough of me?”

I replied: “No because you cost so much money and you’re ruining my life”

The dinner I was cooking for my family was going to be a surprise

but the fire trucks ruined it.

How do you ruin a dragon's birthday party?

Tell him to blow out the candles on his cake.

How many Postmasters General does it take to ruin the United States Postal Service?

Just one.

How do you not ruin a spoiler?

By mentioning its a spoiler

The owner of a restaurant sends his employee undercover...

...to the vastly more successful restaurant across the road.

Before sending him, the owner says "That restaraunt is ruining business here, all because of their famous chowder. I need the recipe and the secret ingredient ASAP!"

The employee manages to infiltrate the kitchen of the succe...

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They say it's always better to have a wank with a dead arm...

...but apparently, I ruined that funeral.

The quarantine has ruined many marriages but mine is still going strong.

Just the other day I woke up to my beautiful and loving wife holding a pillow tightly over my face to protect me from the coronavirus.

What are 4 words that can ruin a man's self esteem?

"Is it in yet?"

After years of working his way up through the Dove Soap Company, Jedidiah Kermin was finally promoted to CEO.

Jeb was ecstatic and ready to lead the company into a new golden age of soap making. He was determined to shake up the industry and leave a true legacy for himself. So he went to product development and told them that what Dove needed was to make a soap that could clean people faster than any other ...

My dyslexic uncle ruined Christmas...

He warped all the presents

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Freudian Slip

Tim needs to get to Cincinnati. He decides to take a train. When he walks up to the ticket counter the woman behind the counter had huge breasts. He tells her " I would like Cicket to TITSanati, um I mean a Ticket to Cincinnati." The woman blushes and laughs it off. Tim gets his ticket and boards t...

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Nothing ruins sex with a monkey faster than...

Remembering you work in an AIDS research lab.

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Have you ever had a leg cramp ruin sex?

I'm sitting on the chair when my cramps up and I Yelp so loud that my wife and her boyfriend stop having sex. They look at me and say "how long have you been there?" And I say "The whole time! I'm the one making this video."

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My girlfriend broke up with me last week because I “kept ruining sex for her.”

Turns out girls don’t like it when you call their clits “Throbbin’ Hood.”

Ruined My Day

My Friday is ruined!"
"Why, what happened?"
"I realized today is Tuesday."

I told my friend that I never knew that Rage Against the Machine was so political, and that it really ruined the music for me.

He looked at me deadpan and asked, "What machine did you think they were raging against, the dishwasher?

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Two psychiatrists were having lunch and talking about Freudian slips.

Shrink 1: Let me tell you about my Freudian slip when I ate dinner with my mother last night.

Shrink 2: Ooh yes, tell me.

Shrink 1: I meant to say, "Mom, please pass the salt "

Shrink 2: Yes, yes, what did you say instead?

Shrink 1: Well, I meant to say "Mom, please p...

Great performance!

There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally, after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, ”This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You must walk onto the...

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Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person

"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf Hitler, 1945

How did the duck ruin his life?

Quack-cocaine.

What’s the best way to ruin a wedding?

Don’t know, I didn’t go to mine.

Women are like drugs

They’re too expensive and ruin my life

Mad cows

Two cows are standing in a field on a sunny day. The grass sways in waves from the summer breeze; a bumblebee slowly meanders across the meadow. One cow turns to the other.
Cow one: you know, I’m really struggling. I simply can’t shake this anxiety.
Cow two: (looking at his companion with a l...

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time.

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes. "What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked. "I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said. "Don't you mean Polio?" "N...

My girlfriend isn’t talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.

....I’m not sure how. I didn’t even know it was her birthday.

That damned Greek Mythology class is ruining my G.P.A.

I guess you could say it's my Achilles' aorta.

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What food ruins sex?

Wedding cake

Which game ruins the most relationships??

Russian Roulette

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of ...

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There was this farmer, Farmer John, who had a prize-winning bull.

Unfortunately, at the beginning of the breeding season, the bull had no interest in mating. Couldn't get it up at all.

Farmer John called Bill the veterinarian to come out and look at the bull. Bill checked the bull all over and said, "Well, there is nothing physically wrong with the bull. T...

How many geeks does it take to ruin a joke?

You mean nerd, not geek. And not joke, but riddle. Proceed.

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what do you call a ruined pizza?

a pizza shit!

I was just on my way to a fancy dress party in my counterfeit money costume, when someone came along and ruined my plans.



I got held up.

People say gambling ruins lives, but it brought our family closer.

We now live in a one bedroom unit.

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Called my wife the other day from work: “BABE MY LIFE IS IN RUINS”

Her: For the last time you are an archeologist and this shit is getting old

6.9 is my worst and least favorite number

That is because it is 69 that was ruined by a period

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Homosexuals have ruined threesomes for me.

Every time I have one, both of the other dudes turn out to be gay.

I left a bottle a whiskey outside last night and it got rained on.

It's not ruined but my spirits are dampened.

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Wife: Stop pretending your life is a youtube video!! It's ruining our marriage!

Me: Do you guys think it's ruining our marriage? Let me know in the comments below!

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discre...

Drugs don’t ruin your career

Drug tests do

Another Lawyer Joke

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!"
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt lik...

I’m furious. My holiday is ruined! I’ve decided to sue the airline that lost my luggage.

My lawyer said that I don’t have a case.

Just ruined my laptop

Accidentally poured alcohol on it and all the drivers started crashing.

Today my fiance screamed at me and told me she hates at the alter

Ruined a perfectly good sacrifice.

A physicist and his wife are hosting a dinner party

She reminded him multiple times that their friends Sue and Joe who had recently split up were both attending and that they should do their best to make them both feel comfortable.


During the party as the physicist was talking to Sue, his wife noticed he kept bringing up Joe and it was cl...

There's a boy named Bonnie...

There’s a boy named Bonnie.

He is made fun of throughout high school because of his weird name, and so he is become very shy.

But he has a crush on a girl and works up the courage to ask her out.

She says yes, and he is so happy.


After years of dating, he works up ...

You know what really ruins my day?

Waking up in the morning.

The internet ruined me

Thanks to the internet, I can no longer use the phrase lollygag in casual conversation.

How do you know your comment ruined someones joke?

\[deleted\]

How do you ruin a good joke's punchline?

You repost it hundreds of times.

After a few weeks of not feeling good, a man and his wife decided to go see a doctor.

During the conversation where the doctor was trying to find out what was wrong, he decided that the man should have a blood test

Wait, the wife said, isn't that really expensive, because we don't have that much money

No, the doctor said, healthcare is free in Canada

After a week...

The best way to ruin a great joke on this sub

Is this:

My friend is an archaeologist...

He was complaining about not having any money. Dunno what he's talking about, though. He is an archaeologist and he's surprised that his career lies in ruins?

I ran across some douchbag millennial in the store running his mouth, calling me a boomer and blaming me for ruining the world. Then he acted like he wanted to fight me.

I said "That's pretty big talk for a guy with no health insurance."

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The United States ruined Hiroshima. Which American city did Japan ruin?

Detroit

Football in Heaven

Two old men, Bert and Stan, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about Football. Bert turns to Stan and asks, "Do you think there's Football in Heaven?"
Stan thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if ther...

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My wife said 'that having a little penis shouldn't ruin our sex life'...

I'd like to say I agree, but I wish she didn't have one

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Warning, Adblock will ruin your dating prospects

I installed it, and now there aren't hundreds of sexy women in my area waiting to meet me.

Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!'

and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?

Art thieves pillaged a museum of European 17th and 18th century artwork. They smashed windows, stole paintings, destroyed exhibits, and even did a number on the light fixtures. Everything about the place is a mere ruin of what it was yesterday.

It's all baroque now.

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A black man walks into a restaurant..

There is a huge sign on wall that says "Colored People Not Allowed."

The man takes a seat and a white man comes over in a hurry and says, " Excuse me son, we don't serve colored people in this restaurant. Im going to have to ask you to leave."

The black man smiles, looks at the white m...

My career is in ruins.

It’s great being an archaeologist.

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A lawyer wins his first truly huge case with a multi-million dollar payoff.

He's flying high. He drives to the office the next Monday in shiny new threads with all of the most expensive trimming, driving the most expensive imported Bentley he can find. Everyone at the office needs to see this, he thinks, so he gets there super early to park right in front of the building,...

A girl invites her best friend to her Birthday party

At her birthday party while everyone else is away and having fun her best friend eats her whole cake. They catch her and of course the birthday girl is upset, but she manages to calm down and act like everything is fine, deciding to get her revenge another time.

Then several months later it's...

So a mushroom walks into a bar. Bartender says "We don't serve mushrooms here. You're always ruining jokes."

The mushroom says "Come on. I'm a nice guy."

If you read the bible backwards its about a man sent to earth on a cross who is helped down by some Romans and told to go on his way. He then travels the world making people blind and giving them leprosy. He even ruins a meal for a huge crowd by turning all their food into 2 fish and 5 loaves.

He gets fewer followers as time goes by and in the end he's lying in a stable and 3 old men steal all his presents.

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When I was in school, my mate got caught having a wank in the showers.

Really ruined the trip to Auschwitz.

Credit: Jimmy Carr

My wife accused me of ruining her birthday, but that's impossible

I didn't even know it was her birthday!

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My father in law just accidentally ruined my brother in law's cigar by sitting on it

Close butt, no cigar

R.kelly says the recent accusations have ruined his relationship with his kids.

They must have been crushed to hear hes cheating on them.

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Freudian slips

A woman walks into her psychiatrist's office and says "Hey Doc, you know how we have been talking about Freudian slips? " "Well, I had the most amazing one last night". I was eating dinner with my wife, and I meant to say "would you please pass the salt dear?". But instead, I said "You God damn bitc...

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AdBlock ruined my sex life

There are no more hot singles near me

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