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Ruin Jokes

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

What ruined Tiger Woods’ golf career?

His driving game.

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Sitting on the examination table, a man says “D-D-Doctor I have a t-terrible st-t-utter and it ruins my p-p-professional and p-p-personal life.”

The doctor checks him out almost everywhere but sees no problem.

He says “take off your pants for me”.

The man hesitates but abides.

The doctor inspects him and says “I see! Your penis is about 6 inches too long, it’s pulling on your vocal chords and causing you to stutter”. ...

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If She Stayed In Italy To Raise The Child, He Would Also Provide Child Support Until The Child Turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for t...

Three words that will most certainly ruin a man's ego

"... are you in?"

Coronavirus ruining your plans for 2020? Save them for 2022!

Cause 2022 is 2020 too.

My girlfriend isn’t talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.

....I’m not sure how. I didn’t even know it was her birthday.

One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage

I accidentally texted my wife “I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her.”

Add a word to ruin a movie:

**- Batman Begins College - The Longest Yard Sale - Charlottes Web Cam.**



Your Turn :)

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Wife: Stop pretending your life is a youtube video!! It's ruining our marriage!

Me: Do you guys think it's ruining our marriage? Let me know in the comments below!

How many geeks does it take to ruin a joke?

You mean nerd, not geek. And not joke, but riddle. Proceed.

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The United States ruined Hiroshima. Which American city did Japan ruin?

Detroit

They currently think the person who ruined the Tour de France might have been German.

Well, she did try to take down a whole race...

My wife is blaming me for ruining her birthday

That’s ridiculous, I didn’t even know it was her birthday.

A nun ruined her uniform and asked her tailor for a replacement.

Nearly 3 weeks later she angrily calls him asking what’s taking so long. “I don’t know why you’re upset.” - He coolly replies. “It takes at least 21 days to form a new habit.”

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A ruined day.

I saw a hot girl in class today.

I kept thinking dont get a boner then she did and my day was ruined.

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A couple are about to have sex, when the man reaches for some lube...

Opening a new bottle, he notices the protective tape on the cap has already been torn off, suggesting the bottle may have tampered with.

That's weird, he thinks to himself.

"Do not use if seal is missing" it reads on the bottle.

The man thinks for a second, but not wanting to ru...

Drugs don’t ruin your career

Drug tests do

The expiry date printed on food always ruins the surprise,

there should be a spoiler alert

Because it ruins the joke.

Why should you never put the punchline in the title?

I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request.....

The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?”

“Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”

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AdBlock ruined my sex life

There are no more hot singles near me

How did the zombie ruin the bank heist?

He ate the brains of the operation

Mess up the formatting

How do you ruin a joke?

People say gambling ruins lives, but it brought our family closer.

We now live in a one bedroom unit.

‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.’

The priest asks, 'Is that you, Joe?' 'Yes, Father’ ‘Who’s the gal you were with?' 'I won’t tell, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' ‘Was it Jane marlow?’ ‘I can’t say.' 'Was it Tami Jones?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Kim Dixon or Kate James?' 'My lips are sealed.

The priest sighs in frustration....

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A mother and her young son were driving in their car when a dildo suddenly flies outta nowhere and hits the windshield, the mother trying to not ruin the child’s innocence says “it was just a bug sweetie, don’t worry”

The kid replies saying “How it even got of the ground with a dick that big amazes me”

A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood.

A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood.
After several weeks of fuming at his chickens for making scratches and small dents in the hood of his car he decided to find a solution.
Coincidentally a salesperson came by his house and offered a s...

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Called my wife the other day from work: “BABE MY LIFE IS IN RUINS”

Her: For the last time you are an archeologist and this shit is getting old

The quarantine has ruined many marriages but mine is still going strong.

Just the other day I woke up to my beautiful and loving wife holding a pillow tightly over my face to protect me from the coronavirus.

Someone always has to ruin it

Three friends stranded on a deserted island find a magic lamp. Inside it is a genie who agrees to grant each friend one wish.

“I want to go home,” says the first friend. The genie grants her wish.

“I want to go home, too,” says the second friend. And the genie sends her back home.
<...

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My wife thinks deep-throating my cock is ruining her vocal cords.

I don’t know how she can say that.

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes.
"What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked.
"I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said.
"Don't you mean Polio?"
"No, Tolio, it only affects the toes."
Not wanting to ruin the moo...

So a mushroom walks into a bar. Bartender says "We don't serve mushrooms here. You're always ruining jokes."

The mushroom says "Come on. I'm a nice guy."

My career is in ruins.

It’s great being an archaeologist.

You put the punch line in the title

How do you ruin a good joke on Reddit?

If I had a quarter for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

Scientists Invent Machine That Can Ruin Any Pizza

It's called a microwave.

Ruin a date in 5 words...

Does this smell like chloroform?

Nothing ruins your Friday

Like finding out it’s only Thursday.

“You do one nice thing for someone and they threaten to ruin your life!”

A man is cutting his grass when he gets the sudden urge to be a helpful neighbor and cut theirs too.

His neighbor comes outside and says to him, “I could marry you for cutting my grass, thanks!”

The man walks away and mutters, “People are so unappreciative these days. You do one nice t...

Don't let anyone else ruin your day.

It's YOUR day.

Ruin it yourself.

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The Turks invented sex

and then the Greeks improved it by removing the sheep and adding lubrication.

The Romans perfected it by discovering that you could have it with women too, then the French ruined it by adding misogynistic condescension, and the British made it worse by adding shame; after that, the Americ...

My dad left his job

He wanted to pursue archeology. His career is now in ruins.

What is 6.9?

A good thing ruined by a period.

How did the duck ruin his life?

Quack-cocaine.

Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!'

and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?

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Reddit should add separate NSFW tags for gore and porn

I'm so tired of my boners being ruined by these hot ladies.

A teacher tells her students to write a sentence defining power.

Once everyone has finished, she reads the sentences out to the class:

\- "Power is when you can do good," - Good, Max, nice sentence. That's an A.

\- "Power is when you can do good and punish evil," - very good, Sarah, beautiful. That's an A+.

\- "Power is when you have a lot of...

How do you ruin a dragon's birthday party?

Tell him to blow out the candles on his cake.

How do you not ruin a spoiler?

By mentioning its a spoiler

My obsession with Doris Day songs is ruining my social life.

I already lost my friends Kay, Sarah, Sarah.

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot ...

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My tongue slipped when I was asking my wife to "pass the milk, honey" when we had breakfast yesterday

I accidentally said: "Fuck you Helen you ruined my fucking life"

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Have you ever had a leg cramp ruin sex?

I'm sitting on the chair when my cramps up and I Yelp so loud that my wife and her boyfriend stop having sex. They look at me and say "how long have you been there?" And I say "The whole time! I'm the one making this video."

What’s the best way to ruin a wedding?

Don’t know, I didn’t go to mine.

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Sex ruined our friendship.

I wish my buddy hadn't walked in on me and his wife.

What are 4 words that can ruin a man's self esteem?

"Is it in yet?"

2020: I'm gonna ruin you like no other year has!

2021: has entered the chat.

2021 is typing.....

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Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person

"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf Hitler, 1945

How do you ruin a good joke's punchline?

You repost it hundreds of times.

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

What is it called when you restore a ruined old ship?

Deckromancy.

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What food ruins sex?

Wedding cake

Just ruined my laptop

Accidentally poured alcohol on it and all the drivers started crashing.

Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

Ruined My Day

My Friday is ruined!"
"Why, what happened?"
"I realized today is Tuesday."

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Warning, Adblock will ruin your dating prospects

I installed it, and now there aren't hundreds of sexy women in my area waiting to meet me.

What's the surest way to ruin a friendship?

Homicide

Why did you ruin the Thanksgiving turkey at the last minute?

It just wasn't very well thawed out.
(it's bad, but it's mine)

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What was ruined because too many people started doing it?

Sex with my girlfriend.

What is white, loud, and ruins your scrambled egg?

An avalanche.

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I'm 36, and last night when I was out with my 19 year old girlfriend someone yelled "Paedophile!"

That really ruined our 10 year anniversary.

How do you ruin a date with Princess Leia?

By saying Alderaan things.

My dyslexic uncle ruined Christmas...

He warped all the presents

Which game ruins the most relationships??

Russian Roulette

Why did Punctuation ruin Santa's marriage?

Because a comma seperates two clauses

How many Postmasters General does it take to ruin the United States Postal Service?

Just one.

Not proof-reading ruins lives

A husband wrote the following to his wife: "I'm having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."

My life was ruined by my obsession with video games.

Fortunately, I had another two lives.

Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!

>!Everybody!<

Edit 1: Wow, this blew up. is this where you post your soundcloud?

Edit 2: My inbox is ruined, I should start charging reddit coins for formatting questions.

The internet ruined me

Thanks to the internet, I can no longer use the phrase lollygag in casual conversation.

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Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman...

He was always to scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship. One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment. He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off. She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was squirming around,...

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Hitler, Salin, and EA were having a debate

"Who amongst us is the most hated?" Hitler asked

Stalin said "It is I, the Soviet Union killed more people than even you, Hitler!"

EA says "NONSENSE! I've ruined dozens of game franchises. I am the most hated!"

Hitler said "Why don't we hold a vote in hell and see who is the mo...

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Net Neutrality won't ruin everyone's life unlike previously stated

I have it on good authority that the Amish don't give a fuck

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Homosexuals have ruined threesomes for me.

Every time I have one, both of the other dudes turn out to be gay.

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A dad was driving with his daughter.

When suddenly a huge dick hit the windshield of the car. The daughter asks his dad "What was that?". The dad not wanting to ruin his daughter's innocence answers "Oh that was nothing, just a fly." The daughter relieved, says "Whew. That fly sure had a big dick."

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My wife said 'that having a little penis shouldn't ruin our sex life'...

I'd like to say I agree, but I wish she didn't have one

On my way to my wedding I got caught in a rain shower and my dress was ruined.

I tried to file a claim with insurance but they said I didn’t have an umbrella policy.

One moment everything's fine, the next you've ruined everything.

You're like a boolean china shop.

An archaeologist goes to search for some ancient ruins.

He trekked through the desert for 5 hours, but at last he found them.

Looking at the wall, he saw a stone engraving indicating there was fresh water only a short walk away.

The archaeologist then said "That's a relief!"

I'll never forget what that priest did to me that ruined my life forever

He said "I now pronounce you man and wife"

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what do you call a ruined pizza?

a pizza shit!

I used to have a great joke about baking, and then I ruined it

I should never have left that pun in the oven.

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Nothing ruins sex with a monkey faster than...

Remembering you work in an AIDS research lab.

Some things just ruin your day...

The old woman was about to die so she calls her husband to her side. With some difficulty she says, "Dear, I have but one final request. Please let my mother ride in the first car with you at my funeral. It will give a good impression.

The husband things for a bit and responds, "All right, bu...

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil." You're on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as yo...

How do you ruin a joke?

By explaining it.
Because you know, jokes are supposed to be understood implicitly, without you having to say the reason behind why the punchline is funny.

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Porn is really ruining our children...

My son used to want to be a doctor or a lawyer, now only wants to grow up to be a pizza man.

How to ruin your kids day

A dad says to his two teenage kids at breakfast, "which came first, the chicken or the egg?"

The son responds, "I don't know, I've heard arguments for both and can't decide." The daughter says, "I think it was the egg Dad, because you can't get a chicken without an egg!"

The dad hesit...

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