For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If She Stayed In Italy To Raise The Child, He Would Also Provide Child Support Until The Child Turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sitting on the examination table, a man says “D-D-Doctor I have a t-terrible st-t-utter and it ruins my p-p-professional and p-p-personal life.”

The doctor checks him out almost everywhere but sees no problem.

He says “take off your pants for me”.

The man hesitates but abides.

The doctor inspects him and says “I see! Your penis is about 6 inches too long, it’s pulling on your vocal chords and causing you to stutter”. ...

My wife isn't talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.

I don't even know when her birthday is!

What is white, loud, and ruins your scrambled egg?

An avalanche.

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood.

A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood.
After several weeks of fuming at his chickens for making scratches and small dents in the hood of his car he decided to find a solution.
Coincidentally a salesperson came by his house and offered a s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mother and her young son were driving in their car when a dildo suddenly flies outta nowhere and hits the windshield, the mother trying to not ruin the child’s innocence says “it was just a bug sweetie, don’t worry”

The kid replies saying “How it even got of the ground with a dick that big amazes me”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple are about to have sex, when the man reaches for some lube...

Opening a new bottle, he notices the protective tape on the cap has already been torn off, suggesting the bottle may have tampered with.

That's weird, he thinks to himself.

"Do not use if seal is missing" it reads on the bottle.

The man thinks for a second, but not wanting to ru...

They currently think the person who ruined the Tour de France might have been German.

Well, she did try to take down a whole race...

I helped my neighbour with something this morning and she said, ‘’I could marry you!’’, I couldn’t believe it

You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return

Three words to ruin a man's ego

Is it in?

I used to have a great joke about baking, and then I ruined it

I should never have left that pun in the oven.

Someone always has to ruin it

Three friends stranded on a deserted island find a magic lamp. Inside it is a genie who agrees to grant each friend one wish.

“I want to go home,” says the first friend. The genie grants her wish.

“I want to go home, too,” says the second friend. And the genie sends her back home.
<...

I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request.....

The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?”

“Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”

What ruined Tiger Woods’ golf career?

His driving game.

My archaeologist friend was looking sad at work, so I asked him if there was something wrong

"Of course there is!" He said.

"My work is in ruins!"

What was completely ruined because too many people start doing it?

Yo momma.

Nothing ruins your Friday

Like finding out it’s only Thursday.

My life was ruined by my obsession with video games.

Fortunately, I had another two lives.

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Biden was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Careful What You Wish For

After years of begging. I finally got the wife to try anal, but the whole night was ruined when I accidentally called her Kevin.

In the future, Donald Trump passes away from a heart attack.

He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil." You're on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as yo...

Coronavirus ruining your plans for 2020? Save them for 2022!

Cause 2022 is 2020 too.

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was ...

What do you call an old, grumpy Avatar that comes back and ruins the economy every time you send him away?

A Boomer Aang.



P.S. I'm so sorry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's 1956 and iconic film director Cecil B. DeMille isgetting ready to shoot the most expensive scene ever filmed: the parting of the Red Sea in his movie "The Ten Commandments."

The scene required 2200 extras and 800 animals and could be shot only once. So DeMille arranged for one not, not two, not even three cameras but four camera/cameraman set-ups surrounding the scene.

Everything's in place. DeMille shouts, "Cameras! Action!" and the scene unfolds. The moment it...

My family gatherings follow Jenga rules

No winners. Just one big looser who ruins it for everyone else. Thanks uncle Steven.

What’s a 6.9?

Another awesome thing ruined by a period.

"Yeah. Those animals across our southern border have ruined their own country and our trying to invade and ruin ours. With their rampent guns and drugs... their government has become a shambles of nut job military and rich drug addicts who don't care about anyone!

Eh?"

My career’s in ruins!

A man walks into a bar and finds its patrons raucously celebrating with a young man standing on the bar shouting for more drinks, on him.

He walks up to the bar and shouts to the young man, “What’s the occasion?”

“My career’s in ruins!” the lad cackles.

The man, shocked, replies...

I refused to wear a mask at work one day and now I've ruined the life of four people...

Being a bank robber sure isn't easy!

A semi truck full of Ramen noodle caught fire today and the whole shipment was considered ruined

The total loss came out to be $73

Don't let anyone else ruin your day.

It's YOUR day.

Ruin it yourself.

If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

Opporknockity

James was a talented pianist, but just wasn't top tier in his talent. He had plenty of smaller venue gigs, but every time he auditioned for large concerts, he was softly rejected as being "so close, but the other person was just a tad better".

One day he was at a carnival, and for laughs he w...

2020: I'm gonna ruin you like no other year has!

2021: has entered the chat.

2021 is typing.....

An archaeologist goes to search for some ancient ruins.

He trekked through the desert for 5 hours, but at last he found them.

Looking at the wall, he saw a stone engraving indicating there was fresh water only a short walk away.

The archaeologist then said "That's a relief!"

Add a word to ruin a movie:

**- Batman Begins College - The Longest Yard Sale - Charlottes Web Cam.**



Your Turn :)

Halloween Joke

Bob thought his new neighbor across the street was strange from the moment he first moved in.  The new neighbor, Jack, was a dorky middle aged white man, who laughed at his own jokes, which he told repeatedly, and only talked about the stupidest stuff, which he always claimed was super popular on Re...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A banker down on his luck has decided to end it all

A young banker is standing on a tree limb with a rope around his neck, ready to end it all. He sees movement to his side and an ugly old woman comes from the brush, calling for him to stop.

“Stop! Why would a young man like yourself be doing such a thing?”

“My life is ruined!” He resp...

Scientists Invent Machine That Can Ruin Any Pizza

It's called a microwave.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex ruined our friendship.

I wish my buddy hadn't walked in on me and his wife.

Why did you ruin the Thanksgiving turkey at the last minute?

It just wasn't very well thawed out.
(it's bad, but it's mine)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Freudian Slip

A man is going through an airport after buying his ticket, and he walks over to a friend with his head down.

"Ah man, I can't believe what just happened. I had a Freudian slip. Do you see the ticket agent with the huge cans? I accidentally asked her for two pickets to titsville."

His ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys chatting in a pub......

First guy says, "I committed an embarrassing faux pas this morning. Stopped at the travel agent and the girl had fantastic breasts.I accidentally asked for two Titties to Toronto"

The other guy responds "I know the feeling mate. This morning I meant to ask my wife to pass the cornflakes and a...

Because it ruins the joke.

Why should you never put a punchline in the title?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 guys talking over coffee and one guys says to the other…

Have you ever said one thing but meant to say something completely different?

The other guys says “Yeah! I was at the airport and when the lady asked where I was going, I said Tits-berg instead of Pittsburgh!”

The first guy then said “EXACTLY! Like last night when I was having dinner ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mild NSFW Long - A newlywed farmer stops in at the tavern...

A newlywed farmer stops in at the tavern for the first time after his honeymoon.  He is greated fondly and his friends buy him a few rounds. He gladly downs them then orders a drink of his own. A few drinks in now, his ear pick up three of the older farmers talking:


"You see this! Mary da...

If Reddit gets banned it will ruin everyone's life,

Including Redditors.

The quarantine has ruined many marriages but mine is still going strong.

Just the other day I woke up to my beautiful and loving wife holding a pillow tightly over my face to protect me from the coronavirus.

How do you ruin a dragon's birthday party?

Tell him to blow out the candles on his cake.

How many Postmasters General does it take to ruin the United States Postal Service?

Just one.

What are 4 words that can ruin a man's self esteem?

"Is it in yet?"

How do you not ruin a spoiler?

By mentioning its a spoiler

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zealand , is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone

"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

PM: "Shut ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every Time

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for 20 dollars for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated every time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking it was a cute way ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you ever had a leg cramp ruin sex?

I'm sitting on the chair when my cramps up and I Yelp so loud that my wife and her boyfriend stop having sex. They look at me and say "how long have you been there?" And I say "The whole time! I'm the one making this video."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nothing ruins sex with a monkey faster than...

Remembering you work in an AIDS research lab.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person

"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf Hitler, 1945

A Man Walks into a Gun Store...

The man walks in and looks around until he gets to the Safety Items. He Looks joyfully With a big smile at a Pair of Headphones, Books, then Bingo. He picks up a protective Vest and goes to the counter Happily. The Cashier asks for his ID and asks Him, "Why are you so Happy?", The man responds with,...

Hope You Get a Laugh

Three elderly men were relaxing on the beach in Florida.

One said “I owned a factory in New York state. One winter, the heat didn’t come on, the pipes froze and got water everywhere, and everything was ruined. I decided I was too old to start over, so I took the insurance money, sold the plac...

My dyslexic uncle ruined Christmas...

He warped all the presents

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend broke up with me last week because I “kept ruining sex for her.”

Turns out girls don’t like it when you call their clits “Throbbin’ Hood.”

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues,

when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there.

"NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. 

Finally, a cop came by, and the lawye...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Railroad

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, w...

I told my friend that I never knew that Rage Against the Machine was so political, and that it really ruined the music for me.

He looked at me deadpan and asked, "What machine did you think they were raging against, the dishwasher?

Earl and Darling are in love

Their relationship is prefect, they date, become engaged, and finally marry.

Then their first child comes and a healthy son is brought into this world. Darling has always been a bit of a hippie and she thinks that "Love" is the perfect name for him. Earl isn't quite sure about this, but he ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here It Is! The Poopie list!

Ghost Poopie--The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie--The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie--The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unw...

What’s the best way to ruin a wedding?

Don’t know, I didn’t go to mine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What food ruins sex?

Wedding cake

I said to my wife “You are my drug”

She said: “Oh wow is it because you can’t get enough of me?”

I replied: “No because you cost so much money and you’re ruining my life”

Which game ruins the most relationships??

Russian Roulette

People say gambling ruins lives, but it brought our family closer.

We now live in a one bedroom unit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Called my wife the other day from work: “BABE MY LIFE IS IN RUINS”

Her: For the last time you are an archeologist and this shit is getting old

By revealing the punchline first

How do you ruin a good joke?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my wife that I have the same birthday as Adolf Hitler.

She said, "It's crazy to think that such a loathsome figure, who ruined the lives of so many people, shares the same birthday as Adolf Hitler."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just a slip of the tongue

A guy boards the flight and looks over at his row mate to see they have something in common and strikes up a conversation-

Guy 1 - Wow, what a coincidence. We both have a black eye!

Guy 2 - Yeah, it was really just a slip of the tongue. I was at the ticket counter and the woman behind ...

That damned Greek Mythology class is ruining my G.P.A.

I guess you could say it's my Achilles' aorta.

This year my wife was struggling for ideas on what to get me for my birthday.

I said that for my birthday, I would like a threesome. I've never had one before, and I would feel like less of a creep if she organized it.

She was surprisingly on-board. She said that she had a friend from college who would probably be up for it.

But I think I ruined the night when ...

How many geeks does it take to ruin a joke?

You mean nerd, not geek. And not joke, but riddle. Proceed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife: Stop pretending your life is a youtube video!! It's ruining our marriage!

Me: Do you guys think it's ruining our marriage? Let me know in the comments below!

After years of working his way up through the Dove Soap Company, Jedidiah Kermin was finally promoted to CEO.

Jeb was ecstatic and ready to lead the company into a new golden age of soap making. He was determined to shake up the industry and leave a true legacy for himself. So he went to product development and told them that what Dove needed was to make a soap that could clean people faster than any other ...

Drugs don’t ruin your career

Drug tests do

The owner of a restaurant sends his employee undercover...

...to the vastly more successful restaurant across the road.

Before sending him, the owner says "That restaraunt is ruining business here, all because of their famous chowder. I need the recipe and the secret ingredient ASAP!"

The employee manages to infiltrate the kitchen of the succe...

You know what really ruins my day?

Waking up in the morning.

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time.

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes. "What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked. "I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said. "Don't you mean Polio?" "N...

The dinner I was cooking for my family was going to be a surprise

but the fire trucks ruined it.

I was just on my way to a fancy dress party in my counterfeit money costume, when someone came along and ruined my plans.



I got held up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Freudian Slip

Tim needs to get to Cincinnati. He decides to take a train. When he walks up to the ticket counter the woman behind the counter had huge breasts. He tells her " I would like Cicket to TITSanati, um I mean a Ticket to Cincinnati." The woman blushes and laughs it off. Tim gets his ticket and boards t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Homosexuals have ruined threesomes for me.

Every time I have one, both of the other dudes turn out to be gay.

Great performance!

There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally, after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, ”This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You must walk onto the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The United States ruined Hiroshima. Which American city did Japan ruin?

Detroit

I’m furious. My holiday is ruined! I’ve decided to sue the airline that lost my luggage.

My lawyer said that I don’t have a case.

How do you ruin a good joke's punchline?

You repost it hundreds of times.

Just ruined my laptop

Accidentally poured alcohol on it and all the drivers started crashing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said 'that having a little penis shouldn't ruin our sex life'...

I'd like to say I agree, but I wish she didn't have one

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Warning, Adblock will ruin your dating prospects

I installed it, and now there aren't hundreds of sexy women in my area waiting to meet me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two psychiatrists were having lunch and talking about Freudian slips.

Shrink 1: Let me tell you about my Freudian slip when I ate dinner with my mother last night.

Shrink 2: Ooh yes, tell me.

Shrink 1: I meant to say, "Mom, please pass the salt "

Shrink 2: Yes, yes, what did you say instead?

Shrink 1: Well, I meant to say "Mom, please p...

How do you know your comment ruined someones joke?

\[deleted\]

I ran across some douchbag millennial in the store running his mouth, calling me a boomer and blaming me for ruining the world. Then he acted like he wanted to fight me.

I said "That's pretty big talk for a guy with no health insurance."

Art thieves pillaged a museum of European 17th and 18th century artwork. They smashed windows, stole paintings, destroyed exhibits, and even did a number on the light fixtures. Everything about the place is a mere ruin of what it was yesterday.

It's all baroque now.

My career is in ruins.

It’s great being an archaeologist.

The internet ruined me

Thanks to the internet, I can no longer use the phrase lollygag in casual conversation.

So a mushroom walks into a bar. Bartender says "We don't serve mushrooms here. You're always ruining jokes."

The mushroom says "Come on. I'm a nice guy."

Women are like drugs

They’re too expensive and ruin my life

If you read the bible backwards its about a man sent to earth on a cross who is helped down by some Romans and told to go on his way. He then travels the world making people blind and giving them leprosy. He even ruins a meal for a huge crowd by turning all their food into 2 fish and 5 loaves.

He gets fewer followers as time goes by and in the end he's lying in a stable and 3 old men steal all his presents.

Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!'

and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was this farmer, Farmer John, who had a prize-winning bull.

Unfortunately, at the beginning of the breeding season, the bull had no interest in mating. Couldn't get it up at all.

Farmer John called Bill the veterinarian to come out and look at the bull. Bill checked the bull all over and said, "Well, there is nothing physically wrong with the bull. T...

R.kelly says the recent accusations have ruined his relationship with his kids.

They must have been crushed to hear hes cheating on them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

AdBlock ruined my sex life

There are no more hot singles near me

Mad cows

Two cows are standing in a field on a sunny day. The grass sways in waves from the summer breeze; a bumblebee slowly meanders across the meadow. One cow turns to the other.
Cow one: you know, I’m really struggling. I simply can’t shake this anxiety.
Cow two: (looking at his companion with a l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My father in law just accidentally ruined my brother in law's cigar by sitting on it

Close butt, no cigar

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.