UPJOKE
devastationbreakravagespoilshipwreckdevastatedestroydestructiondecaydownfallbankruptwreckingwreckdemolitionwaste

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Sitting on the examination table, a man says “D-D-Doctor I have a t-terrible st-t-utter and it ruins my p-p-professional and p-p-personal life.”

The doctor checks him out almost everywhere but sees no problem.

He says “take off your pants for me”.

The man hesitates but abides.

The doctor inspects him and says “I see! Your penis is about 6 inches too long, it’s pulling on your vocal chords and causing you to stutter”. ...

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

My wife is blaming me for ruining her birthday

That’s ridiculous, I didn’t even know it was her birthday.

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If She Stayed In Italy To Raise The Child, He Would Also Provide Child Support Until The Child Turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for t...

On my way to my wedding I got caught in a rain shower and my dress was ruined.

I tried to file a claim with insurance but they said I didn’t have an umbrella policy.

What is it called when you restore a ruined old ship?

Deckromancy.

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A mother and her young son were driving in their car when a dildo suddenly flies outta nowhere and hits the windshield, the mother trying to not ruin the child’s innocence says “it was just a bug sweetie, don’t worry”

The kid replies saying “How it even got of the ground with a dick that big amazes me”

Three words to ruin a man's ego

Is it in?

What ruined Tiger Woods’ golf career?

His driving game.

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A ruined day.

I saw a hot girl in class today.

I kept thinking dont get a boner then she did and my day was ruined.

“Bless me father

for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find ou...

They currently think the person who ruined the Tour de France might have been German.

Well, she did try to take down a whole race...

A 10 year old protestant boy and a 10 year old catholic girl are standing on a river bank.

A 10 year old protestant boy and a 10 year old catholic girl are standing on a river bank.

The girl says, "my mom will be really angry if my shoes get wet"
And so they both agree to remove their shoes prior to entering the water.

They wade into the water and it starts getting deeper...

One night, a couple of years ago, I was about to propose to my girlfriend.

But my roommate Joseph barged in out of no where, tripped and fell over breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood.

Now, I didn't know Joseph that well, don't even remember where he was from. But let's just say I put my plans on hold to help him with his injuries. Joseph ha...

**A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time.**

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes.
"What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked. "I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said. "Don't you mean Polio?" "No, Tolio, it only affects the toes."

Not wanting to ruin the mood the ...

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Reddit should add separate NSFW tags for gore and porn

I'm so tired of my boners being ruined by these hot ladies.

A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood.

A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood.
After several weeks of fuming at his chickens for making scratches and small dents in the hood of his car he decided to find a solution.
Coincidentally a salesperson came by his house and offered a s...

Someone always has to ruin it

Three friends stranded on a deserted island find a magic lamp. Inside it is a genie who agrees to grant each friend one wish.

“I want to go home,” says the first friend. The genie grants her wish.

“I want to go home, too,” says the second friend. And the genie sends her back home.
<...

I'm so sick of all the right vs left BS! it's all 'the left are so evil all they do is ..' or 'the right is so evil all they care about is ..'

First off, it's divisive and bringing out the worst in people. Completely ruining the country. Secondly, who the hell really judges people based solely on which Twix they prefer?!

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Should "ButtCheeks" be one word?

The answer is "No".

There should always be a colon in between, and

If you ever put a period there, it will ruin a good thing.

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Why is six afraid of seven?

Because seven smeared shit on six’s bed, severed six’s finger with a glass bottle, and is now in court pretending to be the victim after six’s reputation got ruined.

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The dark presence of the knight in black armor terrified the patrons of the inn. And he was sulking at the bar, clearly worried as he down the pint of ale.

He towered over the others who were also in the inn's bar, his armor covered in jagged spikes that were as lethal as the man-sized swords that hung from his back. His eyes glowed blood-red and a sickening black miasma poured through the small cracks in the plate armor. He even had a large pair of ho...

Reveal the punchline before the end.

How do you ruin a good joke?

A trucker walks into a truck stop to get dinner one night.

Well, as he's sitting there, enjoying his meal, three biker dudes roar up and storm inside.

The first dude spits in the trucker's milk. The second one grabs the trucker's dinner and stuffs it in his face. And the third one yells "You wanna piece of this? Huh? HUH?" and shadowboxes,

S...

What is white, loud, and ruins your scrambled egg?

An avalanche.

Follow the rules

A large corporation with expansive grounds interviewed a tribe of reformed cannibals for the outdoor maintenance positions. During the interview process, they were told, "You'll receive full benefits as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody, which would result in immediate dismissal and c...

What is a 6.9

Another great thing ruined by period.

Coronavirus ruining your plans for 2020? Save them for 2022!

Cause 2022 is 2020 too.

What was completely ruined because too many people start doing it?

Yo momma.

"Yeah. Those animals across our southern border have ruined their own country and our trying to invade and ruin ours. With their rampent guns and drugs... their government has become a shambles of nut job military and rich drug addicts who don't care about anyone!

Eh?"

Nothing ruins your Friday

Like finding out it’s only Thursday.

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headaches

A man strides into a bar, grinning from ear to ear. He sets down at the bar and orders a beer. "In fact, make that a round on me."

The bar cheers, and the bartender brings him his drink, he asks, "So, why the celebration?"

"I am reinventing myself! A new man! Just a month ago, I was mi...

Why are fewer people going into archeology?

Coz career advancement is in ruins.

I used to have a great joke about baking, and then I ruined it

I should never have left that pun in the oven.

If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request.....

The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?”

“Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”

I was told that chameleons blend well...

Then why did this one ruin my smoothie?

Add a word to ruin a movie:

**- Batman Begins College - The Longest Yard Sale - Charlottes Web Cam.**



Your Turn :)

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The preacher's sermon

A preacher stands in front of his congregation and announces, "Listen up, everybody! This week's sermon is about ghosts, so pay special attention because I guarantee I know more about ghosts than any of you. As a matter of fact, everybody stand up." The congregation stood.

"Stay standing if y...

Scientists Invent Machine That Can Ruin Any Pizza

It's called a microwave.

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A couple are about to have sex, when the man reaches for some lube...

Opening a new bottle, he notices the protective tape on the cap has already been torn off, suggesting the bottle may have tampered with.

That's weird, he thinks to himself.

"Do not use if seal is missing" it reads on the bottle.

The man thinks for a second, but not wanting to ru...

What's an archaeologist?

Someone whose career is in ruins.

Why do archaeologist lead sad lives?

Because their career lies in ruins.

I asked my friend what was his major to which he replied, "archaeology"

And I said, "then you have a career in ruins"

Don't let anyone else ruin your day.

It's YOUR day.

Ruin it yourself.

2020: I'm gonna ruin you like no other year has!

2021: has entered the chat.

2021 is typing.....

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Farmer John and his bull

There was this farmer, Farmer John, who had a prize-winning bull.
Unfortunately, at the beginning of the breeding season, the bull had no interest in mating. Couldn't get it up at all.

Farmer John called Bill the veterinarian to come out and look at the bull. Bill checked the bull all over...

I helped my neighbour with something this morning and she said, ‘’I could marry you!’’, I couldn’t believe it

You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return!

What are 4 words that can ruin a man's self esteem?

"Is it in yet?"

My life was ruined by my obsession with video games.

Fortunately, I had another two lives.

Why did you ruin the Thanksgiving turkey at the last minute?

It just wasn't very well thawed out.
(it's bad, but it's mine)

A semi truck full of Ramen noodle caught fire today and the whole shipment was considered ruined

The total loss came out to be $73

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A women wanted to spice things up in the bedroom so she went to a professional sex therapist. The Therapist went through an exhaustive list and importantly how to look sexy, which is to gently bite your lips and raise your eyebrows suggestively.

the next morning the women was in tears... she called the therapist and explained that not only did it not worked but it had completely ruin the mood. The therapist then proceeded to ask here her intimate details ( did you wear the lingerie, perfume, etc ) and could not figure out whey it didn't w...

If Reddit gets banned it will ruin everyone's life,

Including Redditors.

How do you ruin a dragon's birthday party?

Tell him to blow out the candles on his cake.

In the future, Donald Trump passes away from a heart attack.

He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil." You're on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as yo...

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I was having breakfast with my mother recently when I made a Freudian slip...

What I meant to say was, 'can you pass the butter please?' but what I actually said was 'YOU FUCKING BITCH YOU RUINED MY LIFE'.

The quarantine has ruined many marriages but mine is still going strong.

Just the other day I woke up to my beautiful and loving wife holding a pillow tightly over my face to protect me from the coronavirus.

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Have you ever had a leg cramp ruin sex?

I'm sitting on the chair when my cramps up and I Yelp so loud that my wife and her boyfriend stop having sex. They look at me and say "how long have you been there?" And I say "The whole time! I'm the one making this video."

An Angry man went to the store to return a thermos.

The cashier asked what was wrong with it.

“Well” said the man “it’s supposed to keep cool things cool”

“Yep”

“And hot things hot”

“Exactly”

“Well it doesn’t work. I put a cup of hot soup and 2 scoops of ice cream in here, and when I took them out they were ruined...

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Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person

"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf Hitler, 1945

My career’s in ruins!

A man walks into a bar and finds its patrons raucously celebrating with a young man standing on the bar shouting for more drinks, on him.

He walks up to the bar and shouts to the young man, “What’s the occasion?”

“My career’s in ruins!” the lad cackles.

The man, shocked, replies...

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Sex ruined our friendship.

I wish my buddy hadn't walked in on me and his wife.

How do you not ruin a spoiler?

By mentioning its a spoiler

What’s the best way to ruin a wedding?

Don’t know, I didn’t go to mine.

What do you call an old, grumpy Avatar that comes back and ruins the economy every time you send him away?

A Boomer Aang.



P.S. I'm so sorry.

Doctor's news

Doctor: I've got good news and bad news.

Patient: I'll take the bad news first.

Doctor: I'm really sorry to have to tell you this but there was an error in your chart and I'm afraid we cut off the wrong leg.

Patient: WHAT THE HECK?!? That's not bad news. That's TERRIBLE news. Wh...

A very rich man is having a very big party on the hottest day of the year

The party features a full big band performance and an open bar. In order to fight the extreme heat, the party is littered with large fans running full blast, inadvertantly causing the musicians to tie the sheet music down to their music stands to prevent them from blowing away. Meanwhile, the bass s...

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The United States ruined Hiroshima. Which American city did Japan ruin?

Detroit

Drugs don’t ruin your career

Drug tests do

How many geeks does it take to ruin a joke?

You mean nerd, not geek. And not joke, but riddle. Proceed.

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My girlfriend broke up with me last week because I “kept ruining sex for her.”

Turns out girls don’t like it when you call their clits “Throbbin’ Hood.”

Because it ruins the joke.

Why should you never put a punchline in the title?

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Wife: Stop pretending your life is a youtube video!! It's ruining our marriage!

Me: Do you guys think it's ruining our marriage? Let me know in the comments below!

An archaeologist goes to search for some ancient ruins.

He trekked through the desert for 5 hours, but at last he found them.

Looking at the wall, he saw a stone engraving indicating there was fresh water only a short walk away.

The archaeologist then said "That's a relief!"

My wife is like a drug

She costs way too much and ruined my life

I told my friend that I never knew that Rage Against the Machine was so political, and that it really ruined the music for me.

He looked at me deadpan and asked, "What machine did you think they were raging against, the dishwasher?

Murphy’s Nails

Two brothers start up a company that manufactures nails, one is in charge of sales and the other marketing. They needed a commercial, so the one in charge of marketing got to work.

A few weeks later he excitedly shows the footage to his brother. It starts with a wide shot of a mob of people ...

How do you ruin a good joke's punchline?

You repost it hundreds of times.

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Two old lawyers who haven't seen each other in years finally get together to have some lunch.

"Life is good," one says, but lately I've noticed I've been getting pretty old. Like, I've been having a Freudian slip or two."

"How do you mean?" says the other.

"Well for instance, last week I was at the train station and I was headed to Pittsburgh. And when I walked up to the counte...

My dyslexic uncle ruined Christmas...

He warped all the presents

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Mrs. Rosentein is walking her poodle down 5th Avenue, when she ran into her good friend Gladys Goldberg

"Gladys! It's been so long since I've last seen you, where have you been?"

"Oh, Blanche, Ira and I went on safari in Africa, and let me tell you, it was horrible!"

"Horrible? How was it horrible?"

"Well, first, Ira lost our tickets, so we had to fly coach all the way from New Y...

I came across my mum and dad's love letters today

I tried to wipe it off, but they're ruined.

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My wife said 'that having a little penis shouldn't ruin our sex life'...

I'd like to say I agree, but I wish she didn't have one

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Warning, Adblock will ruin your dating prospects

I installed it, and now there aren't hundreds of sexy women in my area waiting to meet me.

As a hedge-fund manager gets out of his brand-new Audi, a truck goes racing by, taking off the door.

“My Audi! My beautiful silver Audi is ruined!” he screams.

A police officer on the scene shakes his head in disgust. “I can’t believe you,” he says. “You’re so focused on your possessions that you didn’t even realize your left arm was torn off when the truck hit you.”

The hedge fund ma...

The best way to ruin a great joke on this sub

Is this:

Art thieves pillaged a museum of European 17th and 18th century artwork. They smashed windows, stole paintings, destroyed exhibits, and even did a number on the light fixtures. Everything about the place is a mere ruin of what it was yesterday.

It's all baroque now.

I’m furious. My holiday is ruined! I’ve decided to sue the airline that lost my luggage.

My lawyer said that I don’t have a case.

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What food ruins sex?

Wedding cake

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Careful What You Wish For

After years of begging. I finally got the wife to try anal, but the whole night was ruined when I accidentally called her Kevin.

So a mushroom walks into a bar. Bartender says "We don't serve mushrooms here. You're always ruining jokes."

The mushroom says "Come on. I'm a nice guy."

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Nothing ruins sex with a monkey faster than...

Remembering you work in an AIDS research lab.

What's the surest way to ruin a friendship?

Homicide

People say gambling ruins lives, but it brought our family closer.

We now live in a one bedroom unit.

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Called my wife the other day from work: “BABE MY LIFE IS IN RUINS”

Her: For the last time you are an archeologist and this shit is getting old

Which game ruins the most relationships??

Russian Roulette

That damned Greek Mythology class is ruining my G.P.A.

I guess you could say it's my Achilles' aorta.

Just ruined my laptop

Accidentally poured alcohol on it and all the drivers started crashing.

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of ...

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Railroad

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, w...

I was just on my way to a fancy dress party in my counterfeit money costume, when someone came along and ruined my plans.



I got held up.

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Homosexuals have ruined threesomes for me.

Every time I have one, both of the other dudes turn out to be gay.

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Net Neutrality won't ruin everyone's life unlike previously stated

I have it on good authority that the Amish don't give a fuck

I ran across some douchbag millennial in the store running his mouth, calling me a boomer and blaming me for ruining the world. Then he acted like he wanted to fight me.

I said "That's pretty big talk for a guy with no health insurance."

Ruin a date in 5 words...

Does this smell like chloroform?

My archaeologist friend was looking sad at work, so I asked him if there was something wrong

"Of course there is!" He said.

"My work is in ruins!"

How do you ruin a date with Princess Leia?

By saying Alderaan things.

How do you know your comment ruined someones joke?

\[deleted\]

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AdBlock ruined my sex life

There are no more hot singles near me

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