UPJOKE
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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Linda.

Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So on...

A man is mad at God cuz his wife died. He busts into a church and yells where is God I'm gonna stab him.

Preacher says, God is in your heart

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My friend Jack got busted performing sexual favors in his sports club’s locker room…

Now Jack’s off the team.

My buddy told me he was having a stone bust sculpted in his image...

I told him not to get a head of himself.

Stephen Hawking was busted cheating by his wife

"- Honey, wait, *I can explain EVERYTHING*!"

Did you hear Trump's limo driver got busted for possession of drugs?

They found over 300 pounds of dope in the back seat.

The FBI never fails...

The phone rings at the FBI headquarters:

\- “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

\- “Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor’s house.

They search the shed where t...

I was going to get a bust of my likeness just in case I become famous in the future and it's worth something.

But I decided I shouldn't get ahead of myself.

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A Major Prostitution Bust

A major raid on prostitution in town, netted so many prostitutes, that they had to be lined up, outside the police station, and around the block.

An elderly grandmother, waiting at a nearby bus stop, notices her granddaughter in line.

Grandmother: "Oh Sweetie, you're not in some kin...

A bunch of guys who sit around all day saying jokes got tired of repeating the same jokes, so they decided to number the jokes. Whenever one of them wanted to say a joke, he'd just say "Number 32", for example, and they'd all bust out laughing

One day one of the guys stood up and shouted "Number 54", as usual they all laughed. One guy though, laughed hysterically, slapped his knee, and had tears streaming down his face.



One of his friends asked him: "What's going on? Why did you laugh like this?"



He replied: ...

A husband took his wife to a disco on the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor busting tile. He was breakdancing, moonwalking, doing back flips - the works. The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Her husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!"

An Englishman, Frenchman and a Soviet go to an art exhibition.

They come to a marble bust of Adam and Eve. The Englishman says "Look at their calm repose, their stiff upper lip. They must have been English."
The Frenchman says "Look at their nakedness, their natural artistic beauty. They must have been French."
The Soviet goes "No no. They have no food, n...

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Busted axle

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroo...

Three doctors walk into a bar…

They all sit down at the bar and order drinks.

They tell each other about some of their biggest surgeries.

The first one takes a sip of his drink and sets it down on the bar.

“I had a guy walk into the ER last week who was in a terrible construction accident. He lost his whole ...

My neighbor got busted for growing weed today

Turns out my property line isn't anywhere near where I thought it was.

My granddad had my sides busting with this one over Christmas!

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfe...

So I ordered me a bust for my birthday.

I really wanna show you how it looks, but I'm getting a head of myself.

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Eyes on the prize

It was a slow night at the Casino, just a few regulars playing the slots…

Two bored dealers were standing at the "mini-craps" table when out of nowhere, an incredibly attractive blonde woman from South Alabama placed a $5,000 bet on a single roll of the dice.
With a deep southern drawl, ...

I wanted to get a personalized bust

But my wife told me not to get ahead of myself.

An Engineer accidentally goes to Hell instead of Heaven

An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.

The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily.

The TV was grain...

What did Marcus Aurelius say after narrowly saving his bust from falling off its shelf?

That's a relief.

Thor likes to bust in and beat up the bad guys...

His brother prefers to keep things low-key

I busted a nut at the local post office

I guess you could say something came in the mail today

Steve Irwin busts through the door and puts me into a headlock.

"This little bugga simulates reproduction up to 5 times a day, almost exclusively without a mate!"

Coos busted a thief who stole 42,000 pounds of pistachios

But the thief will plead not guilty due to insanity because what he stole was nuts

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My son got busted at school for masterbating.

When I got home, I burst into his room shouting “you can’t be doing stuff like that boy, you’ll go blind!”

He said, “I’m over here Dad!”

I was in bed with this redneck girl when her father, her brother and her boyfriend busted in the room...

....and boy was he mad.

What do you call it when you bust a load on a librarian’s face?

Book-kake

A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.

When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.

Judge to carpenter: "You were arrested during a drugs bust in a gambling den. What were you doing there?"

"Making a bolt for the door, your honour."

An older man is finally able to leave the Soviet Union in the late 1980s for the first time in his life.

His wife and son have already left and settled in the States, and he's finally able to go and join them.

On his way out through the Soviet border, the guard looks through his luggage and finds a bust of Lenin.

"What is this?" he asks.

"Don't ask me *what* this is, ask me *who* ...

One day long ago, a Czechoslovakian came to visit his friend in New York

When asked what he wanted to see the Czechoslovakian replied, "I would like to see one of the zoos in America."

To his delight, the New Yorker took him to the zoo. While they were touring the zoo, and standing in front of the gorilla cage, one of the gorillas busted out of the cage and swallo...

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

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A little boy is lying in bed, busting to go to the toilet.

So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and finds his mother chatting to a bunch of her friends.

"MUM," the boy yells at the top of his voice, "I GOTTA PISS! I GOTTA PISS!"

Well, needless to say, the mother is mortified at her son's language in front of her guests...

Was working a drywall gig with 3 other guys, we smoked a joint after we pulled up to the job.

Later on the older lady that owned the house comes out and tells the boss, "you should pay your guys more!" The boss looking puzzled asks where that came from. She goes on to explain, "they have been busting their asses off. Earlier they had to share one cigarette between the four of them, that's ju...

Did you know you can tell which women are the biggest coffee lovers by their bust size?

They're the ones with K cups.

Inappropriate times for the Kool-Aid Man to bust through the wall.

“I’m so glad you brought me here Jack, I’ve never seen the engine room of an Ocean Liner before.”

“Oh, no?”

**”Oh, Yeah!”**

The local barber just got busted for dealing drugs. I'm shocked. I've been a customer of his for 10 years.

Never knew he was a barber, though.

A man was riding his motorcycle through the border of Germany and Austria every week carrying 2 bags filled with sand.

The border guard, an older man, searched both bags every time, but never found anything so he let him through. This goes on for a couple days until the border guard had his last day before retirement. Again the man comes to the boarder, both bags filled with sand. The guard asks him: "Look man, toda...

I saw a woman busted for shoplifting at the DIY store today.

She had a ladder in her stocking.

What's the difference between a dirty bust stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One's a crusty bus station and one's busty crustacean.

I want to commission a marble bust as soon as I get my next paycheck

My girlfriend told me not to get a head of myself.

What bust?

A young man went to the drug store and asked for a package of condoms.

"We have something new, colored condoms," said the clerk. "Special introductory price!"

So the young man bought a package of colored condoms.

Ten months later he was back at the drug store, and asked for a ma...

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What kind of moves does 242 year old ink bust out on the dance floor?

Indapendance

Fucking crucify me

I almost got busted for shoplifting candy today...

But I got out of it. I've got a couple of twix up my sleeve.

What do you call it when you and your homie help eachother both bust a nut?

Cummunism

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A prostitution ring gets busted one afternoon.

As all of the girls were lined up outside the police station to get booked, one of the girls noticed her grandma walking by, who came up to her and said, “Why Hello?! What are you waiting in line for dear?”

The prostitute, embarrassed, lies and says she’s waiting in line for an orange stand,...

When cops arrest a clinically insane person...

...are they busting a nut?

This was an actual conversation that took place between my wife and my 7 yr old son just now.

My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."

My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my futu...

My home cleaning company went bust.

The business case was great. We hired excellent cleaners from the Filipines and elsewhere and placed them with clients. We had the perfect brand name, too:

Ethnic Cleansing

Dunno why it didn't take off.

What do you call it when the FBI and DEA do a marijuana bust together?

A joint operation.

Seamus walked into the pub, sat down at his usual table...

...and proudly announced, “Drinks are on me tonight, boys.”

His pals looked at each other, knowing that Seamus was very tight with his wallet. Michael spoke up, “Are ye OK?”

Seamus clapped him on the shoulder and said, “Aye, Mikey, I’m just fine. Last night, while I was here with you l...

A self-absorbed man wants to get his bust sculpted.

He believes that one day he'll be very important, so he asks a sculptor to carve his bust out of marble to put into a museum in the future.

The sculptor says, "Sir, I think you're getting a head of yourself."

The cops busted me for pinching clothes people had hung out to dry.

They called it theft.


I call it online shopping.

Some kind of animal busted a nut in my backyard...

Must've been a squirrel.

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A man is making passionate love to his wife when his neighbor busts open the front door.

Immediately embarrassed, he yells, “Jesus! Can’t you knock?”

His neighbor shouts back: “I’ll knock when you two get the fuck off my lawn!”

What do you call it when a holy man busts your balls?

Sackrilegious

My girlfriend is so busted

she claims to be an atheist but yesterday I got home from work early and she was screaming "OH GOD! YES! YOU'RE SO GOOD!". So I sat smugly on the couch until she came out with my friend Steve. Then I was like "busted! you're not an atheist at all. I don't know what you did Steve but you are a leg...

My dad dropped this joke on a dinner with my girlfriend and I couldn't help but to bust out laughing

Girls are like public bathrooms. All the clean ones are always taken and the only ones left are so messed up and dirty you don't want to go inside.

Speeding

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I got busted for speeding tonight. The cop pulled me over and asked me if I knew what speed I was doing," the guy says to the bartender." I said, "yes, that stuff I bought from Bob."

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A cat or a pill

A cold, withered, teenage addict wandered to his dope dealer’s apartment. Through the back, up the stairs, he knocked at the door. \*knock knock\*

“Who's there?” Said the dope drug dealer.

“Just me, looking for comfort.”

“Comfort huh… you look rather withered and cold.”

...

An old lady goes to the doctor, super irritated.

She UNLOADS on the doctor. "Doctor, my friends are all being awful people! They're all telling me I fart all the time, and it's just plain rude of them!

"Oh really?" The doctor says.

"YEAH! They're ALL silent so I have no idea why they'd point them out. On top of all that, for them t...

So a woman goes to the doctor with a busted lip and a black eye...

...and the doctor says, "Oh my, what happened?"
To which the woman replies, "Well my husband always goes to the bar after work, he then proceeds to come home and beat me. I've tried everything to get him to stop but nothing works." The doc listens to her story and after a few minutes, he respond...

One day, Julius Caesar was in the marketplace with a friend, looking for a celebratory item after coming back from a successful campaign. He was looking towards a bust of his face, carved in marble.

But that was when his friend said: "Hey! Don't get a head of yourself!"

[NSFW] A man busted his nut while flying...

You can call that a highjacking

I just saw a shocking headline about a man in west New York State that was arrested for bestiality.

"Animal Predator Busted in Buffalo"

The FBI made a big marijuana bust recently.

The took the approximately 2 tons of weed to a landfill and had it incinerated. However, the EPA stepped in and showed concern for the multitude of seagulls flying overhead. You know what their study discovered? That there was no tern left unstoned.

Everyone in our little town was shocked and horrified that the local butcher got busted for selling drugs.

I had seen Pete once a week like clockwork for over a decade, never even knew he was a butcher.

In 1946, Winston Churchill travelled to Fulton, Missouri.

He was there to deliver a speech and to present at the dedication of a bust in his honour.

After his speech, an attractive and ample woman approached the wartime Prime Minister of England and said, "Mr. Churchill, I have travelled over a hundred miles for the unveiling of your bust."

C...

Anyone wanna hear one about a couple olives? (it’s long but worth the read trust me)

So there are these 2 olives right, let's call
them Frank and Bobby…… and these two
are long time best friends, and they’re as good of guys as they come, and always just having a good time together. Nice as can be. Just some good timing olives you know? Anyways they're on a high top table at a ...

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When I was little, we were so poor that Dad had to bust a hole in the septic tank just so we could slip and slide.

It was a shitty slip and slide.

How did the guitar player bust the G string?

He was fingering A Minor.

Little Johnny brought home his history test result, it was 90.

His father was so happy with it. However, his mother, Karen, just couldn't believe her son got 90 in history.

After taking a closer look at the marks, she found that the handwriting style of the 9 and the 0 are different.

"Johnny, you are so busted. Tell me, did you add the 0 to yo...

The hobbits Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin, sat in Fangorn Forest to hear the first annual post-Sauron "Ent Comedy Jam" .... (An original LOTR-themed meta-joke for you.)

The hobbits Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin, sat in Fangorn Forest to hear the first annual post-Sauron "Ent Comedy Jam."

With them was Gandalf, returned from over Sea with Frodo in tow just for the occasion. No one in living memory – at least now that the elves were all in the Undying Lands to...

What did the police officer say when he busted the sadomasochists?

Everybody, hands up or no one gets hurt!

An American got busted at the border for trying to smuggle two donkeys into Mexico.

It was an assassination attempt.

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I was on a train, about to get of..

So I stood there at the door as the train slows down and I wanted to adjust my backpack..
But when I did, I bumped my elbow against something soft behind me.
I looked behind me, and there was this beautiful lady with the biggest bust I’ve ever seen, and apparently bumped my elbow against.
I...

A student busts into a lecture hall right as the professor is finishing his lecture

The student says professor sorry I'm late, do you mind summarising the lecture for me in 2 minutes.

The professor says, No need son, it will all be on the exam

If opening a walnut is busting a nut..

Make sure to swallow the seed!

What is it called when someone busts a nut on your toast?

Pearl jam

Little Johnny kept getting into trouble for disrupting his third grade class, seems he was regularly busting out obnoxiously loud farts.

His teacher kept him after school to have a talk with him and, maybe, resolve the problem. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, “I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I’m proud of it.” The teacher, in a moment of despiration, says,...

Did you hear about the Marvel superhero that got busted for stealing a truck full of soft French Cheese?

It was brie larceny.

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I did Nazi that coming

#

Nazi Officer: "Sir, we are mining too many useless ores"

*Hitler rubs chin*: "So mine less"

*Grammar Nazi busts in*: "MINE FEWER"

*Hitler looks up*: "Yes?"

Today the authorities busted the local T-Rex shop, causing a huge uproar amongst the dinosaur community

Apparently he was a small-arms dealer

Two guys are busted stealing a calender

The both got 6 months

Jimmy is in the school yard...

and goes over to his friend Billy and notices he has a brand new smart watch.

Jimmy: How did you get that?

Billy: well last night I walked into my parents room and caught them wrestling and my dad told me if I left and forgot what I saw he’d get me a watch.

Jimmy: Oh wow I’ve h...

I just busted my kid with some weed and I'm mad as hell...

I've been driving clear across town to get mine and I could have been getting it here the whole time.

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The head of an organized crime syndicate realized his accountant had been skimming money from him for years.

Unfortunately the accountant only spoke Russian. So the boss hired a Russian interpreter and busted into the accountant’s home.

He tells to the interpreter, “tell him I want to know where my money is, AND I WANT TO KNOW RIGHT NOW!!” The interpreter conveys the message in Russian and the acco...

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An old Jewish man was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel from the Soviet Union.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official chuckle...

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A guy goes to jail and is talking on the phone to his friend.

Inmate : "So what's your plan to bust me out of this Hell hole?"

Friend : "Ok. Here it is: I'm going to swallow a bunch of rope then do something stupid to get arrested."

Inmate : "I'm listening..."

Friend: "Once I get in there, I'll go to the bathroom, poop out the rope and sne...

The police busted a drug ring operating out of a circumcision clonic

The police got a tip off

A Travelling Salesman Whose Car Has Broken

A travelling salesman whose car has broken down goes to the door of the closest farmhouse.
The farmer says, “You can spend the night but you’ll have to share a room with my daughter.”
The daughter, a gorgeous 20-something, winks at him over her father’s shoulder.
“Oh, I don’t mind that,” ex...

A man is busted for pot

So one day, a man is pulled over in what seems like a routine stop. When the officer gets to the car, he smells marijuana and the following exchange happens.
Officer: "do you have any pot on you?"
Man : "yes officer, but it's not my fault. I can't get rid of it."
Officer : "what do you mea...

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Teen drug bust

Two teens are busted by the cops for possession of narcotics. Their day in court rolls around and the judge says to them:
"I'd hate to throw two young men in prison for a half-dozen years for something like this. I'll give you a week to convince as many people as you can to never do drugs and I'...

Busted!

A couple days ago a couple kids in high school were busted behind their school. One was eating firecrackers and the other was drinking battery acid.

They were taken to court by the police. The judge thought long and hard what their punishment should be, but just ended up charging the one, and...

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