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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, & ...

What do you call it when you bust a load on a librarian’s face?

Book-kake

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My son got busted at school for masterbating.

When I got home, I burst into his room shouting “you can’t be doing stuff like that boy, you’ll go blind!”

He said, “I’m over here Dad!”

What do you call it when a alien bust a nut

A starburst

Judge to carpenter: "You were arrested during a drugs bust in a gambling den. What were you doing there?"

"Making a bolt for the door, your honour."

The local barber just got busted for dealing drugs. I'm shocked. I've been a customer of his for 10 years.

Never knew he was a barber, though.

I want to commission a marble bust as soon as I get my next paycheck

My girlfriend told me not to get a head of myself.

My neighbor got busted for growing weed today

Turns out my property line isn't anywhere near where I thought it was.

What bust?

A young man went to the drug store and asked for a package of condoms.

"We have something new, colored condoms," said the clerk. "Special introductory price!"

So the young man bought a package of colored condoms.

Ten months later he was back at the drug store, and asked for a ma...

An engineer dies and goes to hell.

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to t...

The cops busted me for pinching clothes people had hung out to dry.

They called it theft.


I call it online shopping.

I've been squatting at the gym.

I sleep in one of the lockers. So far I haven't been busted.

My granddad had my sides busting with this one over Christmas!

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfe...

A boy sees a beautiful girl across the street.

After they hit it off, he goes home and excitedly tells his dad the news.

“Dad, I just got to know this amazing girl across the street! She lives really close by and her name is Jenna. I really like her!”

The father winces and looks at him. “Son, I’m sorry to tell you this, but Jenna i...

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A woman wants to increase the size of her breasts.

So she goes to see Dr. Johnson who tells her she must do an exercise rhythmically and on a schedule of 10am and 2pm. He instructs her to bend each elbow one at a time and recite "If I do this as I must, I will increase my bust". She does this religiously twice a day for two weeks and sees some impr...

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Dear Midwest Diary...

Aug. 1

Moved to our new home in Chicago. It is so beautiful here.

The city is so picturesque. Can hardly wait to see it covered

with snow. I LOVE IT HERE!

Oct. 14

Chicago is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are

turning all different colo...

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Three men meet in a prison yard, 2 of them are white and the other black.

The first white man asks the other, "What are you in for?"

"I raided my company's 401k, and stole millions from my employees. My lawyer says I'll be out within 3 years."

"I shot up an abortion clinic and killed 2 doctors, but my lawyer says I won't do more than 5 years."

They...

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A little boy is lying in bed, busting to go to the toilet.

So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and finds his mother chatting to a bunch of her friends.

"MUM," the boy yells at the top of his voice, "I GOTTA PISS! I GOTTA PISS!"

Well, needless to say, the mother is mortified at her son's language in front of her guests...

I'm Gonna Bust An Aldi

Me: Hey Jared, do you want to go to Aldi's?

Jared: I prefer Subway and their 5 Dollar Footlongs

Me: I thought you were more of an Aldi's guy

Jared: Why's that?

Me: Thought you would enjoy Aldi's Nuts.

Inappropriate times for the Kool-Aid Man to bust through the wall.

“I’m so glad you brought me here Jack, I’ve never seen the engine room of an Ocean Liner before.”

“Oh, no?”

**”Oh, Yeah!”**

After contemplating the idea for a while, I decided to turn myself into the police.

It was fun while it lasted pulling people over and taking their drugs and stuff, until I got busted for impersonation.

What happens if you tighten a Bolt too much?

You bust a Nut

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A Joke my Dad told that Im pretty sure I heard a comedian do once

So theres these three guys on a construction crew. Every day at lunch they compare what they get. Everday the italian guy gets pizza and he says " if I get this one more timea Ima jumpa offada buildinga!!!"

The irish guy pops open his metal box, lo and behold hes got mashed potatoes loaded wi...

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It took 5 years to "get" this joke.

It's 1983 in the Midwest.
It's 6th grade and I hear the following joke.

A man takes his seat on a TWA flight when he sees the hottest, sexiest stewardess approach him with a wink and a smile.

She says "Sir, would you like some of our famous TWA coffee this morning?"

He said ...

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Why do they put music in porn?

I'm trying to bust a nut, not bust a move.

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An old Jewish man was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel from the Soviet Union.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official chuckle...

I was in bed with this redneck girl when her father, her brother and her boyfriend busted in the room...

....and boy was he mad.

What do you call it when a holy man busts your balls?

Sackrilegious

What's the difference between a dirty bust stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One's a crusty bus station and one's busty crustacean.

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NSFW an old one told to me long ago

A woman walks into an small cantina and sees a live frog sitting on the shelf. She proceeds to ask the bartender "what's up with the frog?"

Bartender replies: "That there frog is guaranteed to get any woman off"

The woman laughs it off

Time goes by, a few drinks later she asks.....

Some kind of animal busted a nut in my backyard...

Must've been a squirrel.

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What kind of moves does 242 year old ink bust out on the dance floor?

Indapendance

Fucking crucify me

NSFW a young man is in his room

Discovering himself, pulling his pud, jacking off, choking his chook or whatever. His dad busts in unannounced and mortified yells”SON DON’T DO THAT YOU’LL GO BLIND!” To which the son replies “.....um dad, I’m over here.”

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Two little boys are sitting in the living room watching TV with their parents. The Mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs.

The Mother turns back to the two boys and says "We're going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV. We'll be right back. Okay?"

The two boys nod okay, and the parents take off upstairs. The oldest of the two boys is old enough to know what's going on now and he gets up and tipt...

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A man is making passionate love to his wife when his neighbor busts open the front door.

Immediately embarrassed, he yells, “Jesus! Can’t you knock?”

His neighbor shouts back: “I’ll knock when you two get the fuck off my lawn!”

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Butterflies

One day the lion calls upon all the animals in the forest.
"I wanted to let everybody know, that from now on, it is illegal to take a shit on the ground. I have installed toilets for everyone to use.", declared the lion.

Later that day, every animal needs to take a shit, but the elephant i...

What do you call it when you and your homie help eachother both bust a nut?

Cummunism

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The Rangers, the Marines and the Police were doing training...

They all were out in the forest and the secretary of defense said "Listen up, your objective today is go out into the woods and bring me back a rabbit".

The Rangers went first, moving quickly and quietly through the trees. Within 5 minutes they brought back a little white rabbit unharmed....

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A doctor told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realiz...

One day, Julius Caesar was in the marketplace with a friend, looking for a celebratory item after coming back from a successful campaign. He was looking towards a bust of his face, carved in marble.

But that was when his friend said: "Hey! Don't get a head of yourself!"

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Popcorn is the gayest snack...

Because you're eating busted nuts.

Why don’t Balloons do drugs?

Because they are afraid that the will get high and get busted

What did the police officer say when he busted the sadomasochists?

Everybody, hands up or no one gets hurt!

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A prostitution ring gets busted one afternoon.

As all of the girls were lined up outside the police station to get booked, one of the girls noticed her grandma walking by, who came up to her and said, “Why Hello?! What are you waiting in line for dear?”

The prostitute, embarrassed, lies and says she’s waiting in line for an orange stand,...

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I did Nazi that coming

Nazi Officer: "Sir, we are mining too many useless ores"

*Hitler rubs chin*: "So mine less"

*Grammar Nazi busts in*: "MINE FEWER"

*Hitler looks up*: "Yes?"

What do you call it when the FBI and DEA do a marijuana bust together?

A joint operation.

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

So he sits down with St Peter and says
“Look, too many people are getting in. As of tomorrow at 12pm, no one is getting in unless they’ve had a really bad day”

Peter nods, and the next day he sits down at the pearly gates when a man arrive...

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What do an insane asylum guard and a pornstar have in common?

They both bust nuts

An American got busted at the border for trying to smuggle two donkeys into Mexico.

It was an assassination attempt.

Many years ago, there was a sculptor.

He was a true master at his craft, and he worked hard every day to provide the finest replicas, busts, and statues to the rich and noble. He was held in very high regard, and his name spread across land and oceans and many sought to acquire one of his rare sculptures.

However, even with the ...

The disc drive on my DVD player is busted. I guess you could say it has...

Ejectile disfunction.

Did you hear about the Marvel superhero that got busted for stealing a truck full of soft French Cheese?

It was brie larceny.

[NSFW] A man busted his nut while flying...

You can call that a highjacking

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Indian guy is in dire trouble.

His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble.

He's so desperate that he decides to ask Lord Vishnu for help. He goes to the temple and begins to pray. "Oh Vishnu, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Pleas...

I almost got busted for shoplifting candy today...

But I got out of it. I've got a couple of twix up my sleeve.

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When I was little, we were so poor that Dad had to bust a hole in the septic tank just so we could slip and slide.

It was a shitty slip and slide.

Everyone in our little town was shocked and horrified that the local butcher got busted for selling drugs.

I had seen Pete once a week like clockwork for over a decade, never even knew he was a butcher.

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The Japanese invented a thief catching robot.

After running successful lab trials they decided to test it. After deploying in Tokyo the robot caught 35 thieves in 24 hours.

The news Broke out.


Much Impressed, the Brits ordered the robot for themselves. After deploying in London the robot busted 65 thieves under 8 hours.
...

A student busts into a lecture hall right as the professor is finishing his lecture

The student says professor sorry I'm late, do you mind summarising the lecture for me in 2 minutes.

The professor says, No need son, it will all be on the exam

A self-absorbed man wants to get his bust sculpted.

He believes that one day he'll be very important, so he asks a sculptor to carve his bust out of marble to put into a museum in the future.

The sculptor says, "Sir, I think you're getting a head of yourself."

What shampoo do busts use?

Head & Shoulders

A man saw a sign on a farm: Talking dog for sale

He asks the farmer where the dog is.

Out back.

The man goes up to the dog, in his doghouse and says, hey what's your story?

The dog speaks: Well, as soon as I found out I could talk I wanted to be of service to my country. So I went to the CIA. They placed me as a spy in f...

If opening a walnut is busting a nut..

Make sure to swallow the seed!

A man has a defective clock and takes it to the German workshop.

The guy says, "My clock is busted. Instead of the usual 'tick tock' it goes 'tick tick tick'. Can you fix this?" The German shop owner says, "I see. Follow me." The owner leads the man into a dark ominous room and places the clock on a wooden chair and straps it. He then proceeds to light up a sin...

It is really sad what is happening to the local businesses around our town.

The bra manufacturer has gone bust;
the specialist in submersibles has gone under;
the manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation;
a dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers;
the suppliers of paper for origami enthusiasts has folded;
the Heinz factory has be...

Today the authorities busted the local T-Rex shop, causing a huge uproar amongst the dinosaur community

Apparently he was a small-arms dealer

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The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:

**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**



And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes li...

Heard police caught a guy trying to steal all the head statues at the museum

Apparently he got busted

The FBI made a big marijuana bust recently.

The took the approximately 2 tons of weed to a landfill and had it incinerated. However, the EPA stepped in and showed concern for the multitude of seagulls flying overhead. You know what their study discovered? That there was no tern left unstoned.

How did the guitar player bust the G string?

He was fingering A Minor.

Why did Alexander Hamilton get busted for possession?

'Cause he's not throwing away his pot.

My dad dropped this joke on a dinner with my girlfriend and I couldn't help but to bust out laughing

Girls are like public bathrooms. All the clean ones are always taken and the only ones left are so messed up and dirty you don't want to go inside.

My girlfriend is so busted

she claims to be an atheist but yesterday I got home from work early and she was screaming "OH GOD! YES! YOU'RE SO GOOD!". So I sat smugly on the couch until she came out with my friend Steve. Then I was like "busted! you're not an atheist at all. I don't know what you did Steve but you are a leg...

So a woman goes to the doctor with a busted lip and a black eye...

...and the doctor says, "Oh my, what happened?"
To which the woman replies, "Well my husband always goes to the bar after work, he then proceeds to come home and beat me. I've tried everything to get him to stop but nothing works." The doc listens to her story and after a few minutes, he respond...

The police get a call about a house two blocks away when on the night shift...

The caller doesn't say much but she says she often sees lots of money coming and going from the house and hears machines running all night and day.

The police put together a swat team just in case things go sideways.

They bust down the door to the house and find row upon row of washin...

My friend is sculpting a bust of me

I'm getting a little head of myself

Today, I saw a cop dancing while pulling over a U-Haul truck.

I think he was trying to bust a move.

"Hello. Is this the Sheriff's office?"

Floyd: "Hello. Is this the Sheriff's office?"

Sheriff: "Yes."

Floyd: "I'm calling to report about my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He's hiding marijuana in his firewood! I don't know how he gets in in the logs, but he's hiding it!"

Sheriff: "Thank you very much for the call, sir."
...

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A Woman gets naked in front of her husband and asks

"What turns you on the most, my pretty face, my voluptuous bust or my sexy butt???

He briefly looks her up and down and replies: "Your sense of humor."

When cops arrest a clinically insane person...

...are they busting a nut?

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A man visits an old tavern

and sees an artist carving a beautiful pair of breasts into the veneer on the back wall. The entire upper section of the tavern has fantastic pairs of tits carved all over, and it is quite a sight to behold.

The man asks the artist, "is this all your work?"

The artist responds, "it is....

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A horse, chicken and a pig are out walking on a farm...

When suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole. The pig and chicken freak and they don’t know how they will get their friend out.

So the pig and chicken run up to the farmers house and they bang on the door, no answer... again they bang on the door, no answer.

In a fury the chicken bust...

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A horny lion and a horny mouse

agree to fuck each other.

The lion informs the mouse "I'm the king of the jungle with a reputation to uphold, therefore must do this in hiding and I must go first. " The mouse replies "You're so large, you'll fuck me to death, let me go first then when I'm done you can have your turn". The l...

2 thieves are trying to smuggle a cow from the local farmer

They are both clearly struggling as the cow is tossing and turning while making many loud noises.

**Thief 1**: Why the hell is this cow struggling so much? I've been doing this for 20 years and this has never happened!

**Thief 2** : Will this damn cow shut up? I didn't sign up for thi...

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Oprah Winfrey was busted by TSA at O'Hare airport today with 40 pounds of crack.

They let her go because it just turned out to be her vagina.

What do police officers and women have in common?

Their careers will advance quickly if they have big busts!

I just busted my kid with some weed and I'm mad as hell...

I've been driving clear across town to get mine and I could have been getting it here the whole time.

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I'll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day!

Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday

Almost on Thursday

Almost on Friday

Almost on Saturday

Almost on Sunday.!

Edit: Wow, thank you everyone! First time my post made to Front page; so.. umm.. front page = I get boobie pictures in m...

Two guys are busted stealing a calender

The both got 6 months

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Here’s one for ya

Three guys go and explore a jungle. They get captured by a clan of cannibals. The cannibals tell them to go into the jungle and pick 5 of the same fruit and bring it back.

The first guy comes back with 5 coconuts. The cannibals tell him that if he can get all five up his butt without making a...

The police busted a drug ring operating out of a circumcision clonic

The police got a tip off

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Wonder Woman is laying on the beach naked.

Superman flys over and sees Wonder Woman speed eagle and naked with her eyes closed. Superman says to himself, "I bet I can fly down there and bust a nut in her before she even realizes what happened.

He decides to go for it. He flys down and super bangs her faster than a speeding bullet an...

A man is busted for pot

So one day, a man is pulled over in what seems like a routine stop. When the officer gets to the car, he smells marijuana and the following exchange happens.
Officer: "do you have any pot on you?"
Man : "yes officer, but it's not my fault. I can't get rid of it."
Officer : "what do you mea...

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I am in jail for masturbating

Im busting out of here tomorrow

My 9 1/2 year-old son came up with this one: What do you call someone you can't stand because all they do is annoy you with question after question?

An askhole.

I didn't even laugh at first. I immediately asked if he'd heard it somewhere. He said he hadn't, that he'd come up with it on his own. When I asked him when he did that, he said it was when we were leaving for church (earlier that day). Then I had a good laugh.

I helped...

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A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar that he’s never been to before. The place is busting and seems to be doing well. There are people singing, dancing, and laughing but the first thing he notices is the extremely short person playing piano in the middle of the boisterous crowd. Everyone in the place is infatuate...

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A woman goes into a shop and asks for a maternity Bra.

The assistant asks, "What Bust?".


She says, "The fucking Condom!".

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