A husband took his wife to a disco on the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor busting tile. He was breakdancing, moonwalking, doing back flips - the works. The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Her husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!"

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, & ...

I wanted to get a personalized bust

But my wife told me not to get ahead of myself.

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A bust of Lenin

A jew was leaving Russia in order to return to his home country, Israel. At the Russian customs' table, the officials found a bust of Vladimir Lenin. They asked:

\-What is this?

The jew replied:

\- What kind of question is that? You should have asked "Who is this?". It is Lenin,...

A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.

When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.

The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at ...

What do you call it when you bust a load on a librarian’s face?

Book-kake

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The head of an organized crime syndicate realized his accountant had been skimming money from him for years.

Unfortunately the accountant only spoke Russian. So the boss hired a Russian interpreter and busted into the accountant’s home.

He tells to the interpreter, “tell him I want to know where my money is, AND I WANT TO KNOW RIGHT NOW!!” The interpreter conveys the message in Russian and the acco...

Did you know you can tell which women are the biggest coffee lovers by their bust size?

They're the ones with K cups.

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My son got busted at school for masterbating.

When I got home, I burst into his room shouting “you can’t be doing stuff like that boy, you’ll go blind!”

He said, “I’m over here Dad!”

Judge to carpenter: "You were arrested during a drugs bust in a gambling den. What were you doing there?"

"Making a bolt for the door, your honour."

When I’m older and can afford it, I want to commission an artist to make a bust of me

But that’s getting a head of myself.

A guy rides his motorcycle through the border from Spain to France every week carrying two bags of sand.

The border guard searched the bags every time, but never found anything, so he had to let him through. The guard has his last day at work before retiring and the guy comes to the border again, carrying his two bags of sand. The guard says "look, man, it's my last day, I'm not going to bust you. You...

My neighbor got busted for growing weed today

Turns out my property line isn't anywhere near where I thought it was.

I saw a woman busted for shoplifting at the DIY store today.

She had a ladder in her stocking.

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I had sex with an Asian girl yesterday

Or as I like to call it, busting out the fine china

What do you call it when a alien bust a nut

A starburst

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A good man dies and goes to heaven where God, impressed by the man's life record, grants him one final wish.

"Well, God, I know this seems petty, but I've never won at blackjack."

That's okay, my friend, God says, and He snaps His fingers and He and the man are sitting at a blackjack table in Vegas. The man puts up a $1,000 bet. The dealer's showing a 6 and the man's showing a 17. The man signals th...

The local barber just got busted for dealing drugs. I'm shocked. I've been a customer of his for 10 years.

Never knew he was a barber, though.

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The Japanese invented a thief catching robot.

After running successful lab trials they decided to test it. After deploying in Tokyo the robot caught 35 thieves in 24 hours.

The news Broke out.

Much Impressed, the Brits ordered the robot for themselves. After deploying in London the robot busted 65 thieves under 8 hours.

The...

My granddad had my sides busting with this one over Christmas!

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfe...

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What’s the difference between a male pornstar and a police officer?

A pornstar tells you when he’s about to bust in your back door and unload

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A woman went to store and asked for a maternity bra.

"what bust?" asked the saleswoman.

" The fucking condom" she replied.

I want to commission a marble bust as soon as I get my next paycheck

My girlfriend told me not to get a head of myself.

An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He’s hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from plce to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the ...

A cop pulls over a car...

Walking to the car, he can clearly smell weed. So, hoping for an easy bust, he asks the driver "How high are you?"

The driver thinks for a moment and replies "No officer. It's pronounced 'Hi, how are you?'"

(Bonus punchline: The cop then shoots him and plants a 9-bar.)

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Two priests and a rabbi are playing poker in a basement

The cops bust in and seeing they are all men of God decide to give them the chance to explain. They turn to the first priest:

“Father, were you gambling?”

“As God is my witness,” the priest replies, “I was not”.

They let the first priest go. They turn to the second priest:
...

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A couple meet in a bar, and over a few drinks discover a mutual interest in kinky sex, so they adjourn back to her place.

She excuses herself to go change into something a little more...else. Twenty-some minutes later she comes back out wearing an executioner's hood, elbow length opera gloves, under-bust hourglass corset, spiked thong, stockings, and thigh-high, stiletto heel boots. She cracks a bullwhip and says, "On ...

What bust?

A young man went to the drug store and asked for a package of condoms.

"We have something new, colored condoms," said the clerk. "Special introductory price!"

So the young man bought a package of colored condoms.

Ten months later he was back at the drug store, and asked for a ma...

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A guy goes to jail and is talking on the phone to his friend.

Inmate : "So what's your plan to bust me out of this Hell hole?"

Friend : "Ok. Here it is: I'm going to swallow a bunch of rope then do something stupid to get arrested."

Inmate : "I'm listening..."

Friend: "Once I get in there, I'll go to the bathroom, poop out the rope and sne...

The cops busted me for pinching clothes people had hung out to dry.

They called it theft.


I call it online shopping.

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A little boy is lying in bed, busting to go to the toilet.

So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and finds his mother chatting to a bunch of her friends.

"MUM," the boy yells at the top of his voice, "I GOTTA PISS! I GOTTA PISS!"

Well, needless to say, the mother is mortified at her son's language in front of her guests...

My home cleaning company went bust.

The business case was great. We hired excellent cleaners from the Filipines and elsewhere and placed them with clients. We had the perfect brand name, too:

Ethnic Cleansing

Dunno why it didn't take off.

Inappropriate times for the Kool-Aid Man to bust through the wall.

“I’m so glad you brought me here Jack, I’ve never seen the engine room of an Ocean Liner before.”

“Oh, no?”

**”Oh, Yeah!”**

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A man had some trouble lasting during sex

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, ‟What the hell, I’ll try it.”

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He con...

There's this bartender . . .

It's the wild west and a bartender is behind the bar, polishing glasses and going about his normal day's work. Suddenly, a man bust through the saloon doors and yells, "y'all gotta get out of here! Big Bad Barts comin!"

Half of the patrons rush out the front, while the other half runs to the...

I was in bed with this redneck girl when her father, her brother and her boyfriend busted in the room...

....and boy was he mad.

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An old Jewish man is leaving the Soviet Union

An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Do not say ‟What is that?” say ‟Who is that?” That...

A banker and a theif walk into a bar

The banker says to the thief, you're doing it all wrong...
there isn't any money in what you do. The thief smug, say's
wanna bet? I have a job this weekend and I'll show you
just how much money I can make.

The banker, laughs and says you're on. The thief figuring
he was just going...

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Trucker is hauling a B-double with three containers full of computer parts.

It's getting on toward dark, and so he stops at a steakhouse for a bite.


The first thing he sees is a sign on the door:


NO THONGS


NO SINGLETS


NO NERDS


MANAGEMENT RESERVES THE RIGHT TO REFUSE ADMISSION


No nerds? Weird. But whatever...

What's the difference between a dirty bust stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One's a crusty bus station and one's busty crustacean.

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Mirror Mirror

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door.

One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty four."

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her boobs grow to enormous propor...

What do you call it when a holy man busts your balls?

Sackrilegious

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What kind of moves does 242 year old ink bust out on the dance floor?

Indapendance

Fucking crucify me

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Some Gorillas are getting drunk in the Belgian Congo... (NSFW)

So some gorillas are having some beers and goofing off at the edge of the forest in the Belgian Congo, clowning on each other, doing impressions, etc. one of them looks toward the bordering savanna and notices a lion intently stalking a distant antelope.

“Check out Mr. King of the Jungle ove...

Some kind of animal busted a nut in my backyard...

Must've been a squirrel.

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A Heartwarming Christmas Story in Limerick Form

Santa's reindeer were all in a rut
and desperate to just bust a nut
So horny ol' Blitzen,
he jumped atop Vixen
And once mounted, went straight up the butt

But it turns out that Vixen's a guy
So fast and so strong and so spry
He's a sexy young buck
who...

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A man is making passionate love to his wife when his neighbor busts open the front door.

Immediately embarrassed, he yells, “Jesus! Can’t you knock?”

His neighbor shouts back: “I’ll knock when you two get the fuck off my lawn!”

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Truck driver

One a normal day of trip, truck driver realized that his brake system was busted, and he was going full speed. He knew, he had to stop the truck somehow.

So he decided to get off the road and crash into something

He looked right, there was little boy in an empty field, alone.

H...

What do you call it when you and your homie help eachother both bust a nut?

Cummunism

The numbers One to Ten are in a police line-up. Which one of them is going to get busted with drugs?

The high five of course.

Why did the police arrest the squirrels in the park?

- For busting a nut in public view

There were 5 people on a plane

A doctor, a scientist, Donald trump, Hillary Clinton, and a 9 year old girl.

The planes engines busted and there was only 4 parachutes on flight.

The doctor said “I need a parachute because I can help people who have COVID.” He took a parachute and jumped out.

The scientist said...

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A prostitution ring gets busted one afternoon.

As all of the girls were lined up outside the police station to get booked, one of the girls noticed her grandma walking by, who came up to her and said, “Why Hello?! What are you waiting in line for dear?”

The prostitute, embarrassed, lies and says she’s waiting in line for an orange stand,...

One day, Julius Caesar was in the marketplace with a friend, looking for a celebratory item after coming back from a successful campaign. He was looking towards a bust of his face, carved in marble.

But that was when his friend said: "Hey! Don't get a head of yourself!"

There were 3 prisoners: Billy, Bob, and Joe.

Billy was smart, Bob was an average human, and Joe was an idiot.

One day, Billy thought up a plan to escape.

He whispered to Bob, "We're busting out tonight. Pass it on."

Bob whispered to Joe, "We're busting out tonight. Pass it on."

Joe whispered to the guard, "We're bus...

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What if porn had commercials

like “don’t bust that nut yet, we’ll be right back!”

What do you call it when the FBI and DEA do a marijuana bust together?

A joint operation.

A traveling salesman is driving down a country road one day, and spies a farmhouse with a pig sty just off the front porch.

Finding this to be a little odd, he slows down to take a closer look, and sees a single, well cared-for pig in the sty. Odder still, on closer inspection, he sees that the pig has one wooden leg.

Consumed with curiosity, he heads up the driveway to the farmer's home, hops out of his car, and ...

I've been squatting at the gym.

I sleep in one of the lockers. So far I haven't been busted.

I almost got busted for shoplifting candy today...

But I got out of it. I've got a couple of twix up my sleeve.

What did the police officer say when he busted the sadomasochists?

Everybody, hands up or no one gets hurt!

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A woman wants to increase the size of her breasts.

So she goes to see Dr. Johnson who tells her she must do an exercise rhythmically and on a schedule of 10am and 2pm. He instructs her to bend each elbow one at a time and recite "If I do this as I must, I will increase my bust". She does this religiously twice a day for two weeks and sees some impr...

An American got busted at the border for trying to smuggle two donkeys into Mexico.

It was an assassination attempt.

A boy sees a beautiful girl across the street.

After they hit it off, he goes home and excitedly tells his dad the news.

“Dad, I just got to know this amazing girl across the street! She lives really close by and her name is Jenna. I really like her!”

The father winces and looks at him. “Son, I’m sorry to tell you this, but Jenna i...

[NSFW] A man busted his nut while flying...

You can call that a highjacking

A self-absorbed man wants to get his bust sculpted.

He believes that one day he'll be very important, so he asks a sculptor to carve his bust out of marble to put into a museum in the future.

The sculptor says, "Sir, I think you're getting a head of yourself."

The disc drive on my DVD player is busted. I guess you could say it has...

Ejectile disfunction.

Everyone in our little town was shocked and horrified that the local butcher got busted for selling drugs.

I had seen Pete once a week like clockwork for over a decade, never even knew he was a butcher.

A student busts into a lecture hall right as the professor is finishing his lecture

The student says professor sorry I'm late, do you mind summarising the lecture for me in 2 minutes.

The professor says, No need son, it will all be on the exam

Did you hear about the Marvel superhero that got busted for stealing a truck full of soft French Cheese?

It was brie larceny.

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When I was little, we were so poor that Dad had to bust a hole in the septic tank just so we could slip and slide.

It was a shitty slip and slide.

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Three men meet in a prison yard, 2 of them are white and the other black.

The first white man asks the other, "What are you in for?"

"I raided my company's 401k, and stole millions from my employees. My lawyer says I'll be out within 3 years."

"I shot up an abortion clinic and killed 2 doctors, but my lawyer says I won't do more than 5 years."

They...

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A Joke my Dad told that Im pretty sure I heard a comedian do once

So theres these three guys on a construction crew. Every day at lunch they compare what they get. Everday the italian guy gets pizza and he says " if I get this one more timea Ima jumpa offada buildinga!!!"

The irish guy pops open his metal box, lo and behold hes got mashed potatoes loaded wi...

If opening a walnut is busting a nut..

Make sure to swallow the seed!

What happens if you tighten a Bolt too much?

You bust a Nut

My girlfriend is so busted

she claims to be an atheist but yesterday I got home from work early and she was screaming "OH GOD! YES! YOU'RE SO GOOD!". So I sat smugly on the couch until she came out with my friend Steve. Then I was like "busted! you're not an atheist at all. I don't know what you did Steve but you are a leg...

The FBI made a big marijuana bust recently.

The took the approximately 2 tons of weed to a landfill and had it incinerated. However, the EPA stepped in and showed concern for the multitude of seagulls flying overhead. You know what their study discovered? That there was no tern left unstoned.

After contemplating the idea for a while, I decided to turn myself into the police.

It was fun while it lasted pulling people over and taking their drugs and stuff, until I got busted for impersonation.

My dad dropped this joke on a dinner with my girlfriend and I couldn't help but to bust out laughing

Girls are like public bathrooms. All the clean ones are always taken and the only ones left are so messed up and dirty you don't want to go inside.

Little Johnny kept getting into trouble for disrupting his third grade class, seems he was regularly busting out obnoxiously loud farts.

His teacher kept him after school to have a talk with him and, maybe, resolve the problem. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, “I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I’m proud of it.” The teacher, in a moment of despiration, says,...

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It took 5 years to "get" this joke.

It's 1983 in the Midwest.
It's 6th grade and I hear the following joke.

A man takes his seat on a TWA flight when he sees the hottest, sexiest stewardess approach him with a wink and a smile.

She says "Sir, would you like some of our famous TWA coffee this morning?"

He said ...

So a woman goes to the doctor with a busted lip and a black eye...

...and the doctor says, "Oh my, what happened?"
To which the woman replies, "Well my husband always goes to the bar after work, he then proceeds to come home and beat me. I've tried everything to get him to stop but nothing works." The doc listens to her story and after a few minutes, he respond...

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I did Nazi that coming

Nazi Officer: "Sir, we are mining too many useless ores"

*Hitler rubs chin*: "So mine less"

*Grammar Nazi busts in*: "MINE FEWER"

*Hitler looks up*: "Yes?"

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Dear Midwest Diary...

Aug. 1

Moved to our new home in Chicago. It is so beautiful here.

The city is so picturesque. Can hardly wait to see it covered

with snow. I LOVE IT HERE!

Oct. 14

Chicago is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are

turning all different colo...

How did the guitar player bust the G string?

He was fingering A Minor.

Today the authorities busted the local T-Rex shop, causing a huge uproar amongst the dinosaur community

Apparently he was a small-arms dealer

My friend is sculpting a bust of me

I'm getting a little head of myself

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NSFW an old one told to me long ago

A woman walks into an small cantina and sees a live frog sitting on the shelf. She proceeds to ask the bartender "what's up with the frog?"

Bartender replies: "That there frog is guaranteed to get any woman off"

The woman laughs it off

Time goes by, a few drinks later she asks.....

When cops arrest a clinically insane person...

...are they busting a nut?

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Why do they put music in porn?

I'm trying to bust a nut, not bust a move.

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A man visits an old tavern

and sees an artist carving a beautiful pair of breasts into the veneer on the back wall. The entire upper section of the tavern has fantastic pairs of tits carved all over, and it is quite a sight to behold.

The man asks the artist, "is this all your work?"

The artist responds, "it is....

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Oprah Winfrey was busted by TSA at O'Hare airport today with 40 pounds of crack.

They let her go because it just turned out to be her vagina.

I finally busted a nut!

Macadamias are really tough to crack.

I just busted my kid with some weed and I'm mad as hell...

I've been driving clear across town to get mine and I could have been getting it here the whole time.

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

So he sits down with St Peter and says
“Look, too many people are getting in. As of tomorrow at 12pm, no one is getting in unless they’ve had a really bad day”

Peter nods, and the next day he sits down at the pearly gates when a man arrive...

Two guys are busted stealing a calender

The both got 6 months

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Two little boys are sitting in the living room watching TV with their parents. The Mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs.

The Mother turns back to the two boys and says "We're going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV. We'll be right back. Okay?"

The two boys nod okay, and the parents take off upstairs. The oldest of the two boys is old enough to know what's going on now and he gets up and tipt...

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The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:

**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**



And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes li...

NSFW a young man is in his room

Discovering himself, pulling his pud, jacking off, choking his chook or whatever. His dad busts in unannounced and mortified yells”SON DON’T DO THAT YOU’LL GO BLIND!” To which the son replies “.....um dad, I’m over here.”

The police busted a drug ring operating out of a circumcision clonic

The police got a tip off

A man is busted for pot

So one day, a man is pulled over in what seems like a routine stop. When the officer gets to the car, he smells marijuana and the following exchange happens.
Officer: "do you have any pot on you?"
Man : "yes officer, but it's not my fault. I can't get rid of it."
Officer : "what do you mea...

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The Rangers, the Marines and the Police were doing training...

They all were out in the forest and the secretary of defense said "Listen up, your objective today is go out into the woods and bring me back a rabbit".

The Rangers went first, moving quickly and quietly through the trees. Within 5 minutes they brought back a little white rabbit unharmed....

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Butterflies

One day the lion calls upon all the animals in the forest.
"I wanted to let everybody know, that from now on, it is illegal to take a shit on the ground. I have installed toilets for everyone to use.", declared the lion.

Later that day, every animal needs to take a shit, but the elephant i...

A barber in my hometown just got busted for selling drugs. It blew my mind..

I had no idea that he was a barber.

A man has a defective clock and takes it to the German workshop.

The guy says, "My clock is busted. Instead of the usual 'tick tock' it goes 'tick tick tick'. Can you fix this?" The German shop owner says, "I see. Follow me." The owner leads the man into a dark ominous room and places the clock on a wooden chair and straps it. He then proceeds to light up a sin...

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Popcorn is the gayest snack...

Because you're eating busted nuts.

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A horny lion and a horny mouse

agree to fuck each other.

The lion informs the mouse "I'm the king of the jungle with a reputation to uphold, therefore must do this in hiding and I must go first. " The mouse replies "You're so large, you'll fuck me to death, let me go first then when I'm done you can have your turn". The l...

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Teen drug bust

Two teens are busted by the cops for possession of narcotics. Their day in court rolls around and the judge says to them:
"I'd hate to throw two young men in prison for a half-dozen years for something like this. I'll give you a week to convince as many people as you can to never do drugs and I'...

Did you hear about the gambler who got busted for buying a large amount of weed?

They say he was a high roller.

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