The Mandalorian fell on hard times and had to take a job in a body building and health food shop. Turns out he was unexpectedly great at it and smashed the commission targets. He'd just direct people to the protein powder section, and say...

..."This is the whey"



(Sorry)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a friend who worked in a sex toy warehouse. He was killed when a pallet of dildos dropped from a lift and smashed him...

...hit him like a ton of pricks.

WOW, #2 on r/jokes! I'm the shit! Thanks everyone.

Three men go hunting. One is kind of tipsy, one is just plain drunk, the third one however is so smashed, he can barely hold himself upright.

They lay on the lookout and wait. At some point later they make out a big deer with beautiful antlers.

The one who is the least drunk levels his gun, takes a shot, but misses. The second most drunk guy does the same, but he misses too. The deer is now running towards them. The third guy, who...

Today a 49er smashed my car with a pickaxe

Fortunately, it was only miner damage

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

My wife told me if i sit on my computer again , she will smash my head on the keyboard

But ofcourse she was just jokisyevdkd9dhdhquywtehao woq8qhwhdndksunmpwowjdheue7eo1

A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.

The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, 'Are you seriously hurt?'

'How should I know?' the man answers, 'I'm not a lawyer!'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple is golfing on a golf course when their ball flies out of the course and smashes right through the window of an old mansion.

Shocked, the couple hastes to the old mansion and knock on the door.

A mysterious voice from within the mansion calls the couple to enter.

The couple enters the mansion and in the hallway they see an old man standing next to the broken window and a broken chinese vase with their golfba...

A bunch of hooligans are smashing up my shop and stealing musical instruments

Damn luters!

The other day I was travelling down one of those spiral type car parks. As I set off, on the top floor, I spotted someone smashing a car window and attempting to steal the radio. On the 2nd floor I saw a youth key right down the side of another car.

On the bottom floor, I saw a couple throw a load of rubbish out of their car window....I couldn't believe my eyes.


It was just wrong on so many levels!

What do Smash Mouth do in Physics class?

Sum bodies

My girlfriend said that she would smash my face into my keyboard if I wouldn’t stop browsing Reddit

I’m just gonna akakjdgoabahagqiakzvzkalLa abalalamabanslsksna baabnajabq

A husband and wife are on a golf course

The wife swings and it cracks to the right nailing a house and smashing a window. Being responsible adults they went to apologize and pay for the damage. Upon knocking on the front door, the door opens wide up to a man with his arms crossed above a broken bottle. The man explains he’s a genie and ha...

My wife said that the next time she sees me browsing Reddit, she'll smash my head against the keyboard

Hehdjeiwnbxkakanbciejsnakxc

A policeman pulls over a speeding Ferrari.

He looks through the window and to his annoyance sees a rebellious looking teenager.
The policeman decides he's going to teach this spoiled kid a lesson.
He takes a piece of chalk and draws a circle on the floor.

"Get out of the car and stand in the circle. If I see you step out, I'll...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Smashed up a Vietnamese bakery today

They had no choice but to Ban Mi

My neighbors listen to Smash Mouth's All Star a lot.

Whether they like it or not.

Came home to find all my doors had been smashed in and everything was gone.

What kind of sicko does that to someone’s advent calendar?

My wife told me that she would smash my face into the keyboard if I didn't stop being misogynist...

And that's when I let her know that I'm the Man of the House, the King of the Castle, the Lord of the Mancjkkf no jskslskf d j.lo alsjdj djdjslai48 err is shwks9ri3jekdo 3irbdjdibsks.

My wife is mad at me.

She said if I don't get off the computer she will smash my head into the keyboard. I think it might just be a joke thobfufjebwhhwhf8djfnrk727gdbd eu27y d bc uuehwjw 7 8j

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend just said that if I don't get off Reddit and spend some time with her she's going to smash my face into the keyboard

I wish that dumb bitch trieljljg bmbmvncbxbxbc nljhkgkgjdhdhd mnm gufugjfhhkdh

Why was minecraft steve chosen to be added to super smash bros?

Because Sakurai heard that smash players were attracted to miners

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Peter, one of the 12 apostles is walking through Jerusalem.....

He rounds a corner and comes upon a mob about to stone a poor woman to death . The mob believe woman is a prostitute and should be killed. Peter springs to action putting himself between the mob and the woman and shouts " Stop at once and let he who is without sin cast the first stone!" Immediately...

What is worse than the Incredible Hulk yelling "Hulk Smash!" As he's running at you?

He whispers it in you ear as he's standing behind you

I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.

There’s no files on me.

What do you call when a person with a foot fetish gets to smash on the first date?

*getting* *off* *on* *the* *right* *foot*

What do you call two men who bang the same chick?

Smash bros

Raymond starts work at a zoo.

His first job is to clean out a tank of rare fish. However Raymond slips on a wet patch, smashes the fish tank and watches in horror as the fish flip-flop around on the floor. There are no other tanks nearby, so Raymond flings the dying fish into the lion enclosure, where a hungry lion soon snaps th...

Met this guy at a bar last night and said

Man you remind me of my little toe. I’m gonna smash you on the coffee table later.

I’ll see myself out.

Cops smashed my phone.

Cops smashed my phone. Well it's my fault for having it on the dark mode.

Jeffery Epstein would’ve loved Steve in Smash Bros

He really liked miners

Today a large shipment of Chinese dumplings was thrown to the ground and smashed into crumbs by vandals who are unhappy with a change in the savory treat's recipe.

Local officials are said to be appalled by the wonton destruction.

My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"

Today I saw a car parked with a bumper sticker that said "I miss New york"

So I smashed his window in and stole his radio.

Did you hear about the guys from Smash Mouth? Apparently they are all broke and have resorted to eating...

hey now.

The doctor and his wife were playing golf at the club and she

Drove a 300 yard tee shot straight down the fairway. The doctor said Wow I have never seen you play this well before! Marie says, I took lessons.

A couple of days later on the tennis court in mixed doubles, she smashes her serves and never misses a point. The doctor said Wow I have never seen...

Two women are on their way home smashed after a hen night

Stumbling around, as they wander home they become desperate for a wee. They pass a graveyard, and deciding its the only place they can be sure nobody will see them, they go in.

They go for a whizz, and woman one used her panties to clean up before discarding them behind a bush. Woman 2, worri...

Rough part of the hood.

I once parked my car with my accordion in the back seat in a rough part of town. I was only gone a few minutes, but when I came back, somebody had smashed my rear windshield and thrown in two more accordions.

I wrote this joke about a joke shop

A man sees a Joke Shop. He goes in.

There are three lines.

He joins one and slowly moves up the queue.

He sees all three lines head towards a big sign that says: "The End of the Joke"

He sees the guy at the end of the first line get given a tonne of cash and he runs out l...

An Irish an English man and a Scottish man got sent to prison for ten years

They are given a ten year supply of anything the English man asks for ten years of tea the Scottish man asks for ten years of cigarettes and the Irish man asks for ten years of whiskey ten years later the guards let them out the English man is happily drinking tea the Irish man is smashed and when t...

What do you call a British Bee Smashing and Dashing?

A Honey Nut, Cheerio.

I smashed my keyboard and I'm so angry..

I lost ctrl

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lawyer wins his first truly huge case with a multi-million dollar payoff.

He's flying high. He drives to the office the next Monday in shiny new threads with all of the most expensive trimming, driving the most expensive imported Bentley he can find. Everyone at the office needs to see this, he thinks, so he gets there super early to park right in front of the building,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Harry gets pulled over on the highway for speeding

Harry: Is there a problem, officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone

Harry: No, I was only going 65 tops

Harry's girlfriend: Oh Harry, you were going at least 80

Harry gives his girlfriend a nasty look

Cop: I'm also writing you a ticket for that broken ...

What's the difference between Tiger Woods and a NASCAR driver?

Tiger Woods plays golf for a living, but enjoys smashing up his car on his days off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, the church in my town fell on hard time recently

There wasn't hardly enough money coming in to keep the lights on. So, with the approval of the priests, the friars began selling flowers from the Church's magnificent garden. They were a hit, and soon the flower money was rolling in in droves. A few days after they start, however, Tony, the local fl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy is sitting on the sidewalk smashing ants, yelling god damn ants every time, when

A priest walks up to him and asks him “what are you doing son?” The kid replies, “I’m killing these worthless god damn ants.” The priest than says to the kid, “God put all things on earth to have some sort of worth or value.” The kid stops and the Priest walks away.

5 minutes later a nun walk...

My girlfriend told me if I didn't stop singing "I'm a believer" by smash mouth she would dump me...

I thought she was joking
But then i saw her face

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men are standing outside a jewellery shop looking at an expensive ring in the display window

The first man says, "That ring is perfect for Karen. I just wish I could afford it."

The second man says, "I was planning on proposing to Julie soon. She'd love that ring."

The third man says, "Okay, I'll make you both a deal. Whichever one of you gets to the bottom of the street first...

It was getting close to my wife’s birthday. She was looking at herself in the mirror. I asked her what she’d like for her birthday. She sighed and said I’d like to be eight again...

On the morning of her birthday. I woke up early and made her a nice big bowl of coco pops. I then took her to for a special trip to Legoland. On the way home we stopped at McDonald’s where I got her a Happy Meal together we a special McDonalds balloon. We then went to the cinema where they were pl...

What does Fiona let Shrek do on Valentine's Day?

Smash Mouth

My 90yr old Grandfather got startled by my automatic vacuum, and smashed it.

KO Roomba

One day God visits St. Peter at the pearly gates and tells him heaven is too crowded and to not let so many people in and gives St Peter a quota for each day.

Later that day 3 men approach looking for entrance into heaven. Peter turns to the men and tells them that only 1 of them is able to enter into heaven. To decide which one gets in he asks them how they died. He tells them that the man with the best death story will get into heaven.

The first ...

Technically, Moses was the first man in history to download data from the cloud to his tablet.

Technically, Moses was the first man in history to download data from the cloud to his tablet. And lucky the data is also in the cloud, cause he got angry and smashed his tablet, so he needed a new one to download everything again.

"Bam! Kapow! Smash! Punch!"

**Batman:** those are fighting words

A man has just finished installing new carpet in a customer's home

When the last staple has been set he reaches into his pocket to get his pack of cigarettes but doesn't find the pack.

He looks around and sees a small lump in the middle of the room under the carpet. He doesn't want to rip up all the carpet again just for his pack of smokes so he smashes it ...

Went to the off license on my bike last night and bought a bottle of vodka

Just before I was to leave I thought, what if I fall off my bike and smash it, so I drank it right there. Turned out to be a good decision as I fell off my bike seven times on my way home.

Batman would be low tier in smash bros

He never kills

I just dropped my award for feline rectal examinations and it smashed

It was a catastrophe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just smashed a jar of mayo in the store

Fuckin Hellmann ...

I am addicted to smashing up ceramic bathrooms.

I have a wreck tile dysfunction.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys are in a bar.

They’re smashed.
One guy throws up down himself and says oh shit, “my wife is going to kill me I was only meant to be having 2 beers”.
The other guy says, “no need to worry, put this twenty in your pocket and say someone threw up on you and he’s paid your dry cleaning bill”

Shocked by...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What goes trough a fly's mind when it smashes into the windscreen ?

Its ass .

In a fit of rage I smashed my keyboard til all the keys popped off.

I guess you could say I lost Ctrl.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Link walks into a guy's house and smashes the only pot in his house.

He takes the 20 rupees that he finds inside. Of course, the guy's not happy about this.

"Hey, you little buttwipe, are you robbing me or something?"

Link feels bad, so he gives the guy his 20 rupees back.

"Take this. You urned it."

I hate my job smashing old soda cans

It’s soda pressing

If you wanna find the band Smash Mouth in the Bible,

Just open your Bible to Psalm... BODY ONCE TOLD ME

My friend asked me who was the first band to start smashing guitars.

Impressed, I told him he was right.

A man buys a brand new sports car and on his first drive overtakes a pick up truck from the wrong side.

The truck driver is huge and has anger issues. He gets furious, speeds up and decided to teach the man a lesson at the next stop light just a few miles ahead.

They reach a red light where the pick up driver pulls ahead of the car. He steps out of the trucks and drags the man out of the car. H...

Where would you rate Smashing Pumpkins in your top 90's bands?

For me, I'd rate them Less than Jake but Better than Ezra.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Hobos are hunkered down around a jungle fire by the railroad tracks

Reminiscing about the windfalls they'd found in their years riding the rails and living the vagabond life. The first hobo said:

"This one time, a train stopped, and I found a whole case of pork and beans. Took some strength to haul it off and hide it, but I had enough chow to make it through ...

A cement truck smashed into a prison van...

Police are telling people to be on the lookout for 8 hardened criminals.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This guy wants to get laid and is trying to figure out how to impress the woman he's with.

They walk past a shoe store and the woman says, "Wow. If you get me those shoes, I'll give you a hand job." So the guy sees a brick on the sidewalk, smashes the window and gets the shoes." A few minutes later, they pass a fur store and she says, "If you get me that mink stole, I'll blow you." So the...

Why did the Army Intelligence Officer smash the PC?

He heard there was intel inside.

Two men crash a plane on a deserted island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

They both survive the crash. Then just after their terrible ordeal one of the men walks all over the entire island and comes to the conclusion that there is no food or fresh water. He goes back to where his friend is to explain their predicament.

"I've searched this entire island and haven't...

Did you hear about the vandal who broke into the greengrocers to smash a single piece of fruit?

He got arrested for breaking a nectarine.

[OC] Hey girl, are you a keyboard?

Because you're something I might just smash out of frustration.

what do you call 2 brothers from alabama

super smash bros



(i thought of this joke last week, i know its not that good, but at least i didnt steal it)

A man with no arms walks into a church

“I’d like to apply to toll the bell, every hour on the hour” he tells the priest. The priest wonders how this would be possible with no arms so he decides to humor the man. Since it’s close to 3pm, they make their way up to the bell tower. At 2:54 the man sits cross legged and begins meditating. At ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Billy is out fishing with his dad

When a butterfly lands on the boat and Billy smashes it. The dad exclaims “That’s it! No butter for you all week!”

A week passes by and they are out fishing again when a honeybee lands on the boat. Smash! Little Billy kills the bee. “That’s it!” The dad yells “Now no honey for you for a wee...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend works as a scientist where they have a giant underground ring which smashes cocktails together at very high speeds...

...it's called the Pina Collider.

I got a text from my wife saying "Grandma is keeping the baby tonight, you wanna smash as soon as you get home?"

Never before have I been disappointed to come home and find my wife naked and wearing high heels.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I've decided to take 2 of my loves and smash them together. The Beastie Boys and Virtual Reality...

You'll be able to experience some of the illest rhymes in VR!

And I'll call it Beastiality!!!

Art thieves pillaged a museum of European 17th and 18th century artwork. They smashed windows, stole paintings, destroyed exhibits, and even did a number on the light fixtures. Everything about the place is a mere ruin of what it was yesterday.

It's all baroque now.

Super Smash Bros. is a good example of how NOT to do minority representation in video games

The only black character is incredibly two-dimensional

I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't learn the correct Smash Mouth lyrics.

And then I looked at her head.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife wanted to have sex in a cemetery tonight.

It was a graveyard smash.

Some bloke just said he's going to smash my head in with the neck of a guitar

I said "is that a fret?"

Did you hear about the movie about the man who smashes kid’s toys?

I hear it’s a real blockbuster

What do you call someone who keeps smashing boxes of corn flakes?

A cereal killer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The woodland critters decide to open a public restroom...

They all participate as best they can to build it, and Owl, the mayor of the woods gives it to the public. The next day as Owl is taking a stroll, he notices that one of the windows is smashed.

He calls an urgent meeting where all the animals gather together.

\- I am sorry for this bot...

What's it called when someone smashes a compass?

Breaking NEWS.

My mom said she will smash my head against my keyboard if i dont get off my computer.

Well guess what? Im not going to getododkdjfjjdajndjxixushsbbduxuhha

How do Super Smash Bros characters talk to the dead?

Waluigi board



Get bamboozled

My roommate was playing a video game last night and when he died he completely smashed his keyboard...

yeah, he definitely lost Control.

I came home and all my windows were smashed out.

I was shattered

Stephen Hawking had his first date for 10 years last week. He came back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees.

Apparently she stood him up!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man died and was sent to hell. The devil was feeling generous and gave him three choices.

The devil took him to the first room.

The room was empty except for a pool of scalding hot water. The man saw George Bush, jump into the pool, climb out and jump back in again.
The devil said "That's his punishment. He has to jump into the pool for eternity. If you pick this room, you ta...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you have sex on Halloween, is it a monster mash or a graveyard smash?

Well it’s only a graveyard smash if she’s had a abortion

Me and this girl would smash all the time, but eventually we broke up. Why?

She never let me pick luigi

I just smashed into a car

The car pulled over and a dwarf got out.

I asked “Which one are you ?”

He replied.

“I’m not Happy!”

The lead singer of Smash Mouth is up late with a friend.

The lead singer of Smash Mouth is up late with a friend. His wife's not home; the past few nights she's returned past midnight with increasingly elaborate alibis. He's getting frustrated; he loves her, but he's not sure he can keep giving her the benefit of the doubt. His friend asks what he's go...

Smash Bros Ultimate sold just over 5 million copies in USA.

Didn't knew so many people live in Alabama.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I want to create a machine that would smash two boners together at nearly the speed of light.

I'll call it the Large Hard-on Collider

My father told me that he is going to smash my head into the keyboard if I log into reddit again.

He just went out and I just can't stand not knowing what is on the front page. I will just log in and then log oudhbebsuus ehdbdhdhhdjr ejjeuududjbd eksomsnqbssicuu dbsujdbdjsjsjdf jsisjskjdhduxbskksi iejdjdnn jdjdjxjjss

Blonde in a car accident

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furiou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The hulk is the only bisexual marvel character

He smashes everything

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump's new Secretary of Defence decided the first thing he would do would be..

Trump's new Secretary of Defence decided his first action would be to order a test of how US Air Force planes would hold up in case of a bird-hit. He gave his brother-in-law's poultry business a contract to shoot birds at huge speeds at the latest F-35 at 1,000km/hr. Everyone expected the chicken t...

Who is the most misogynistic Super Smash Brothers character?

Inceleroar.

I smashed a CD in half...

Bits flew everywhere.

I asked my son if I could have the phone book. He laughed, shook his head: "You're so last century!", and handed me his mobile.

Long story short: the spider is now dead, son's phone is smashed and son is distraught.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If the Great War was a bar fight

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recomm...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friend recently asked me if i'd rather have an orgasm each time I hear All Star by Smash Mouth, or hear said song each time I have an orgasm.

I told them the choice is irrelevant as I already do both. Not even sorry.

If I smash a bottle of coke on your head...

It probably won't hurt since it's soft drink

Since Luigi died in the Smash direct, what do we have to use to contact him?

A Louija board

A guy walks into a diner and sees the fry cook, with one arm, making hamburger patties by smashing meat under his armpit...

The guy complains to his waiter that using his armpit to make burger patties is the grossest thing a fry cook could ever do to prepare food.

The waiter responds, “I assure you it’s not. In the morning he makes donuts.”

I asked my girlfriend if we could smash

Turns out she sucks at Nintendo

"Rincewind, all the shops have been smashed open, there was a whole bunch of people across the street helping themselves to musical instruments, can you believe that?"

"Yeah, Luters I expect." --Terry Pratchet, The Light Fantastic

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.