UPJOKE
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How do you break up a fight between 2 blind men?

Yell out: 'My money is on the one with a knife...'

I witnessed the break up of an obese couple

I guess they didn't work out.

If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your....

Space x.

I’ve been trying really hard to break up with my optician girlfriend.

Every time I tell her I can’t see her any more, she moves a bit closer to me says "How about now, is that any better?"

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When my girlfriend and I break up and she screws 10 guys, she's an "empowered woman"

But when I do it I'm "gay".

My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up?

Edit: He actually just gave me five golden rings! Maybe he really does know me (:

Edit2: More birds again

My girlfriend told me she would break up with me if I kept telling jokes about the USSR

Soviet

Why did the girl Koala want to break up with the boy Koala?

Not enough koala tea time.

How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend wants to break up with me because I said I’d give a man a blowjob for $100.

I think it’s a good deal but she says I’m overpaying.

Santa and Mrs. Claus have decided to break up

However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.

They're great at separating independent Clauses.

I had to break up with my cross-eyed girlfriend...

Apparently, she was seeing someone else on the side.

Why did the Biology teacher break up with the Physics teacher?

There was no chemistry.

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Why did you break up with your girlfriend? You described the sex as mind blowing?

That's right. She didn't mind blowing other guys.

Guys I really want to break up with my Jazz musician girlfriend but I can't

The Sax is too good

What’s the worst way to break up with a blind person?

“I think we should see other people”

My girlfriend wants to break up with me.

She says it's because I keep making jokes about her getting fat. So I said ''That's not true. I would never try to have fun at your expanse"

What's the best way to break up with your girlfriend?

On the front page of reddit.

Break ups are the worst in China

You see her face everywhere

I had to break up with my tennis player girlfriend

Love meant nothing to her

2 horses often get into a relationship, and then break up again. They also do repeat this cycle a lot

It isn'ta stable relationship

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Why did the bread break up with the margarine?

Because it had found someone butter.

Why did the garlic break up with the onion?

Because the onion kept making it cry… and the garlic couldn’t take the smell anymore!

What is the equation for break up?

y = cos x is irrational

I had to break up with my girlfriend after I ran over her feet with a lawnmower...

I'm lactose intolerant.

Why did the apple break up with the orange?

Because the banana was more appealing.

My girlfriend threatened to break up with me

She said, "You act so childish whenever I'm around. Now, it's either 'your mom' jokes or me."

I said, "And I, like so many men before me, will eagerly choose your mom."

Her: I want to break up. For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.

Him: Ok. And for the main course?

I really feel lonely and alone after an intense break up with my girlfriend.

I have no one to talk about it, not even with my wife.

A girl is fed up with her boyfriend's unhealthy obsession with detective movies, and wants to break up with him.

"This is too much. We really should split up."

"Good idea, we can cover more ground that way."

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A woman threatens to break up with her boyfriend if he can't make sex last longer, so the boyfriend decides to see his doctor to find out how he can make sex last longer.

"Try masturbating before sex," says the doctor.

The guy drives home trying to think about where to masturbate. "I can't masturbate out in the open, and I can't do it at home because my girlfriend might catch me."

Finally, the guy comes to a decision. He pulls over his car, crawls under...

How did Anakin and Padme break up?

They got a diforce.

Why did the shrimp break up with her boyfriend?

He was really shellfish!

Why did the All-American Rejects break up?

It was time for them to move along.

I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...

...she just wasn't my type.

My girlfriend said she'd break up with me if I kept singing oasis

I said maybe.

How did Redbull break up The Beatles?

It gave McCartney Wings.

My girlfriend: If you don't stop making Scooby Doo references, then I'll break up with you.

Me: Alright gang, let's split up.

Why did Batman break up with Catwoman?

He didn’t like getting hair balls.

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Its hard to break up with a Japanese girl

You have to drop the bomb twice before she understands.

I once had a girlfriend who lost half her foot in a terrible car accident. I had to break up with her though

Because I'm lack toes intolerant.

I had to break up with my girlfriend. She was a necromancer.

She wanted us to raise a family together.

How did the stegasaurus break up the huge boulder?

With his dino-might

My heart sank when i received a text from my gf " I can't take this anymore,let's break up "

You can imagine the tears of joy I had when i received a follow up message

"Sorry ,wrong number"

Why did Werner Heisenberg break up with his girlfriend?

He wasn't certain exactly where their relationship was currently going, but he knew that it was moving too fast.

What do you say when two T-rex break up from a relationship?

- Tyrannosaurus EX

"How to break up with your girlfriend" A two-step process:

Step 1: take off your glasses

Step 2: say: 'I'm afraid I can't see you anymore!'

Britain should have written a break up note

"It's not EU, it's me"

Why did Captain Kirk’s girlfriend break up with him?

Because he Shatner face.

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye. I had to break up with her.

She was seeing somebody on the side.

My girlfriend says she may break up with me because I don't like cats...

I told her, "I like cats, I just can't eat a whole one by myself."

Why did d/dx break up with e^x?

She finally realized that she could never change him. #mathcanbefunny

What do you say when you break up with an electrician?

Watt is love?

Baby don't hertz me.

Don't hertz me.

N-ohm-ore.

N-ohm-ore.

Break up

My boyfriend just broke up with me, he was sick and tired of my constant zodiac puns.

It Taurus apart.

I'm in Pisces typing this

A tree says to another tree, her boyfriend, "I think we should break up"

The other tree: "why wood you do this"

How do you break up a boomer fight?

How do you break up a boomer fight?

Throw two nickels in opposite corners of the room.

Why did the strict grammar teachers break up?

He missed a colon, she missed a period, and they both hated contractions.

It's such a shame when people break up over the phone.

They should try hanging up and trying again.

As part of the break up process,I decided to burn all my ex wife's clothes.

It gave me great satisfaction.....

She was wearing them at the time.

I'm starting a service helping people break up with their significant others over dinner

I'm calling it FedEx

Why did the introduction and the conclusion break up?

They were just never on the same page...

My deaf girlfriend was going to break up with me

She didn’t really say anything. But the signs were all there.

Why did the space rock break up?

It couldn’t comet.

Why did they Backstreet Boys break up?

They just weren't NSYNC.

I had to break up with my girlfriend who suffered from insomnia

She just wasn’t very into-resting

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was dating an Optometrist, but finally needed to break up with her

She was sexy and had a great personality, but after a while she was just too annoying in bed.

She was always saying, "So, do you like it better like this?... or like this?"

I had to break up with my girlfriend because she was obsessive about cellophane wrap.

She was way too clingy.

[NSFW] What bad habit in the bedroom forced the guy to break up with his girlfriend?

She'd take a lickin but kept on kickin

At first I wanted to break up with my girlfriend because she didn’t like to play video games...

It wasn’t really something to Fallout 4.

I had to break up with my neurosurgeon girlfriend

She was messing with my head

My girlfriend said she wants to break up with me because im too childish

i said please give me another chance
she said "no, we're through, done, finished, end of, period.
so i started laughing
she said "what are u laughing for?"
i said "hehe, you said period"

Couples usually break up after 7 days

Because they have a week relationship at that point

A man wanted to break up with his long-term girlfriend

Marcus decided to do this when they were going to have a dinner night with both of their parents.

When the night came, he cleared his throat before mustering up the courage to say,

"Angela, I believe that we need to break up. I'm sorry, but it just isn't working out between us anymore...

My girlfriend wants to break up with me and I don’t know why.

I’ve asked my parents, siblings, friends, wife, other family. No one can figure it out.

Why did Mrs.Claus break up with Santa?

Because he kept calling her a hoe hoe hoe

Why did the Sourdough Man break up with the Baker?

He didn't feel kneaded anymore.

Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend?

He needed some space.

Why did the flat-earther couple break up?

They drove each other to the edge.

My girlfriend told me if I use any more chess terminology, she'll break up with me

"Check," I said.

She moved out the next day.

"Checkmate," I said.

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At a Parsi wedding at Allbless Baug, everyone got drunk. The bride's & groom's families wrecked the new reception hall fighting with each other. The police had to break up the fighting.

The next week, both families were in Mumbai High court.

The judge Soli Dorabji asked, "All right now, what happened?"

Firdaus Rohinton Pavri said, "Sahebji, I was the best man. I should explain what happened."

”Go ahead, Firdaus. Take the stand."

He explained, "Per tradit...

What's the worst way to break up with Elon Musk?

By saying *"I need some space"*

Why did the female rock break up with the male rock?

Because he took her for granite

We need to break up...

...your busy schedule with some well deserved snuggle time!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is it hard to break up with a Japanese person?

Because you have to drop the bomb twice for them to understand.

P.S. : Reposting this as some Japanese folks didn't get it the first time around.

Why did Jasmine break up with Aladdin?

Because he had a boo on the side

How do you instantly break up an anti-quarantine rally?

Cough.

My girlfriend texted me it wasn't working our and we needed to break up

Don't worry, she explained me that it was meant for someone else

Why did my gamer boyfriend break up with me?

I didn’t meet his xboxtations.

Why did Jack and Jill break up after reaching the top of the hill?

It was all down hill from there.

Why did Mike Tyson break up with his girlfriend?

EARreconcilable differenceth

A police officer tries to break up with his wife, also a police officer.

Husband: "We're over."

Wife: "We're what? over."

When I told my ex girlfriend that I wanted to break up, she tried gifting me a mini plastic figurine of myself in an attempt to salvage our relationship.

I screamed, "Lego of me!"

I had to break up with my opera singer girlfriend...

It was always about MI MI MI MI MI!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had to break up with my girlfriend...

Me and my Japanese girlfriend had been dating for around 9 months before she really started becoming attached and really clingy. I decided that the best thing for me to do was to end the relationship. When I told her she took it surprisingly well, and she didn't get upset or anything. I was ecstatic...

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