How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

I wanted to break up with my girlfriend

So I told her let's just be cousins.

If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your....

Space x.

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When my girlfriend and I break up and she screws 10 guys, she's an "empowered woman"

But when I do it I'm "gay".

Guys I really want to break up with my Jazz musician girlfriend but I can't

The Sax is too good

Why did the capitalist break up with the communist?

To many red flags

Wife gets a text from husband saying "I think we should break up."

The wife, very confused, says to the husband, "You know I live with you. If you wanted to separate, you could have walked over and told me."

The husband replies, "Sorry babe. Wrong person."

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A woman threatens to break up with her boyfriend if he can't make sex last longer, so the boyfriend decides to see his doctor to find out how he can make sex last longer.

"Try masturbating before sex," says the doctor.

The guy drives home trying to think about where to masturbate. "I can't masturbate out in the open, and I can't do it at home because my girlfriend might catch me."

Finally, the guy comes to a decision. He pulls over his car, crawls under...

Why did the bread break up with the cheese?

Because she wasn’t Gouda enough for him!

My girlfriend wants to break up with me and I don’t know why.

I’ve asked my parents, siblings, friends, wife, other family. No one can figure it out.

At first I wanted to break up with my girlfriend because she didn’t like to play video games...

It wasn’t really something to Fallout 4.

Why did the flat-earther couple break up?

They drove each other to the edge.

My girlfriend texted me it wasn't working our and we needed to break up

Don't worry, she explained me that it was meant for someone else

My girlfriend said she would break up with me if I said another Scooby-Doo quote.

My last words to her were “Alright, let’s split up gang.”

How did the astrophysicist break up with their girlfriend?

“Honey, I need just one thing from you, time & space.”

why do boys like playing on their playstation or xbox after a break up?

it always helps to console them

Why did the strict grammar teachers break up?

He forgot to use a colon, she missed a period, they both hated contractions, and when they think of their future life, it's only a parent they see.

[At a restaurant] Her: We need to break up. For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.

Me: Ok. And for the main course?

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My ex-gf had a dick but we had to break up

..She was a huge pain in the ass

How do you instantly break up an anti-quarantine rally?

Cough.

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My girlfriend warned me she would break up if I didn't stop making jokes about oral sex.

I said "That's hard to swallow."

How does Mario break up with Princess Peach?

“It’s not you... it’s a me, Mario!”

Break ups are the worst in China

You see her face everywhere

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Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese girl?

You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

Why did the physicist and the biologist break up?

There was just no chemistry

My deaf girlfriend was going to break up with me

She didn’t really say anything. But the signs were all there.

My girlfriend kept telling me she was going to break up with me if I didn't stop quoting the song I'm a Believer by The Monkees, but I thought she was just kidding...

Then I saw her face.

My girlfriend told me if I use any more chess terminology, she'll break up with me

"Check," I said.

She moved out the next day.

"Checkmate," I said.

Why did Jack and Jill break up after reaching the top of the hill?

It was all down hill from there.

I had to break up with my neurosurgeon girlfriend

She was messing with my head

So my girlfriend said she wanted to break up with me because I had no sense of direction.

So I packed my things and right.

Why should you never break up with a goalie?

Because he is a keeper.

My girlfriend: If you don't stop making Scooby Doo references, then I'll break up with you.

Me: Alright gang, let's split up.

I had to break up with my lazy eye girlfriend..

...she was seeing someone on the side.

I had to break up with my girlfriend because she had something stuck between her teeth!

It was my best friend Dave.

My girlfriend wants to break up with me, because I am influenced by Metallica lyrics too much:

but nothing else matters.

What’s the nicest thing to say after a break up with a girl from Alabama?

I hope we can still be cousins

I had to break up with my tennis player girlfriend

Love meant nothing to her

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Why is it hard to break up with a Japanese person?

Because you have to drop the bomb twice for them to understand.

P.S. : Reposting this as some Japanese folks didn't get it the first time around.

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I hate having to break up with Japanese women

You have to drop the bombshell twice before they get the point

What's the best way to break up with your girlfriend?

On the front page of reddit.

My gf works for the government but just delivered the message to me that she wants to break up...

Guess she's now my Fed Ex...

Why did my gamer boyfriend break up with me?

I didn’t meet his xboxtations.

I used to date a cross eyed girl but we had to break up

She was seeing someone on the side

I had to break up with my opera singer girlfriend...

It was always about MI MI MI MI MI!

Santa and Mrs. Claus have decided to break up

However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.

They're great at separating independent Clauses.

What’s the worst way to break up with a blind person?

“I think we should see other people”

Why did Jasmine break up with Aladdin?

Because he had a boo on the side

My girlfriend said she wants to break up with me because im too childish

i said please give me another chance
she said "no, we're through, done, finished, end of, period.
so i started laughing
she said "what are u laughing for?"
i said "hehe, you said period"

I witnessed the break up of an obese couple

I guess they didn't work out.

What's the worst way to break up with Elon Musk?

By saying *"I need some space"*

My girlfriend wanted to break up with me for misquoting Oasis lyrics too much...

I said: "I don't believe anybody feels the way I feel about you now."

Why did Barbie break up with Ken?

He kept Toying with her emotions

'How to break up with your girlfriend: a two step process'

Step 1: take off your glasses

Step 2: say: 'I'm afraid I can't see you anymore!'

I was gonna break up with an ex-girlfriend because she had a Linkin Park poster on her wall

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter

Why did the female rock break up with the male rock?

Because he took her for granite

Break Ups.....

Girl : I am breaking up with you.

Boy: Ok!

Girl : You will never find somebody like me again.....

Boy : Thank God!

My wife wants to break up with me because I would be too obsessed with horses.

I thought we'd have a stable relationship, but neigh...

Why did Ranch break up with Thousand Island?

Because Thousand Island Bleu Cheese

Why did Captain Kirk’s girlfriend break up with him?

Because he Shatner face.

What do you say when you break up with an electrician?

Watt is love?

Baby don't hertz me.

Don't hertz me.

N-ohm-ore.

N-ohm-ore.

So,why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher?

There was no chemistry!IMAO

I had to break up with my girlfriend. She was a necromancer.

She wanted us to raise a family together.

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Two men are drinking at a bar all night. Finally, one man says to the other, “I hate to break up the fun, but I’ve got to go home and take off my wife’s underwear.”

The other man replies, “What makes you think you’ll be so lucky?”



The first man replies while walking out the door, “because they’ve been riding up my butt all night and I’ve had enough.”

Why Did The Socks Break Up.

Because one always had to be right so the other left.

Traffic in New York seems like a mass break up

No one is moving on

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“No, Donald, I didn’t break up with her because she was silly.

I said ‘I dumped Minnie because she was fucking Goofy.’”

What do you call an Irish fella trying to break up a fight?

Liam Malone

A man wanted to break up with his long-term girlfriend

Marcus decided to do this when they were going to have a dinner night with both of their parents.

When the night came, he cleared his throat before mustering up the courage to say,

"Angela, I believe that we need to break up. I'm sorry, but it just isn't working out between us anymore...

I hate break ups

Especially when they tell you things like, "It's not you it's me","I just need some space", "We can still be cousins."

I always miss the people I break up with.

I should really improve my aim.

What do you get when you break up with your girlfriend in the shower?

A Kleenex

My girlfriend says she may break up with me because I don't like cats...

I told her, "I like cats, I just can't eat a whole one by myself."

Why did Mike Tyson break up with his girlfriend?

EARreconcilable differenceth

Why did the Soviet guy break up with his girlfriend?

He saw red flags everywhere.

A police officer tries to break up with his wife, also a police officer.

Husband: "We're over."

Wife: "We're what? over."

Couples usually break up after 7 days

Because they have a week relationship at that point

I had to break up with my cop girlfriend. We’re both into BDSM...

but I’m not comfortable doing blackface

My girlfriend threatened to break up with me

She said, "You act so childish whenever I'm around. Now, it's either 'your mom' jokes or me."

I said, "And I, like so many men before me, will eagerly choose your mom."

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How to break up with your partner

You: Your ex is sexy


Them: Which one?

You: Me lol, bye

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I had to break up with my girlfriend...

Me and my Japanese girlfriend had been dating for around 9 months before she really started becoming attached and really clingy. I decided that the best thing for me to do was to end the relationship. When I told her she took it surprisingly well, and she didn't get upset or anything. I was ecstatic...

Why did the woman break up with her ghost boyfriend?

He got possessive

We need to break up...

...your busy schedule with some well deserved snuggle time!

I finally found the courage to break up with my violent and abusive sausage boyfriend

So you can imagine my horror when my friend tells me “the wurst is behind you”

A friend of mine was trying to figure out the best way to break up with her boyfriend.

She seemed awfully concerned that he not be angry.
"Are you afraid he'll spread lies about you?" I asked.
"I don't mind the lies, but if he ever tells the truth, I'll break his neck," she answered.

My son just told me the school security guard got fired and the new one has only one arm. He asked, "How will he be able to break up fights with only one arm?"

I replied, "Single-handedly."

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