The 84+ Best Break Up Jokes

How do you break up a fight between 2 blind men?

Yell out: 'My money is on the one with a knife...'

I witnessed the break up of an obese couple

I guess they didn't work out.

If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your....

Space x.

How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

My girlfriend told me she would break up with me if I kept telling jokes about the USSR

Soviet

I’ve been trying really hard to break up with my optician girlfriend.

Every time I tell her I can’t see her any more, she moves a bit closer to me says "How about now, is that any better?"

Santa and Mrs. Claus have decided to break up

However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.

They're great at separating independent Clauses.

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When my girlfriend and I break up and she screws 10 guys, she's an "empowered woman"

But when I do it I'm "gay".

My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up?

Edit: He actually just gave me five golden rings! Maybe he really does know me (:

Edit2: More birds again

Break ups are the worst in China

You see her face everywhere

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My girlfriend wants to break up with me because I said I’d give a man a blowjob for $100.

I think it’s a good deal but she says I’m overpaying.

I had to break up with my cross-eyed girlfriend...

Apparently, she was seeing someone else on the side.

2 horses often get into a relationship, and then break up again. They also do repeat this cycle a lot

It isn'ta stable relationship

Why did the girl Koala want to break up with the boy Koala?

Not enough koala tea time.

What’s the worst way to break up with a blind person?

“I think we should see other people”

What's the best way to break up with your girlfriend?

On the front page of reddit.

Why did the Biology teacher break up with the Physics teacher?

There was no chemistry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the bread break up with the margarine?

Because it had found someone butter.

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Why did you break up with your girlfriend? You described the sex as mind blowing?

That's right. She didn't mind blowing other guys.

Why did the garlic break up with the onion?

Because the onion kept making it cry… and the garlic couldn’t take the smell anymore!

What is the equation for break up?

y = cos x is irrational

I had to break up with my girlfriend after I ran over her feet with a lawnmower...

I'm lactose intolerant.

Guys I really want to break up with my Jazz musician girlfriend but I can't

The Sax is too good

I had to break up with my tennis player girlfriend

Love meant nothing to her

Why did the apple break up with the orange?

Because the banana was more appealing.

How did Anakin and Padme break up?

They got a diforce.

My wife said she wants to break up with me

Me: “Why?!?”

Wife: “You keep making stupid Transformers jokes…”

Me: “Please don’t leave, I can change!”

I had to break up with my boyfriend over the phone

We just had no connection.

Why did the shrimp break up with her boyfriend?

He was really shellfish!

Why did the All-American Rejects break up?

It was time for them to move along.

My girlfriend threatened to break up with me

She said, "You act so childish whenever I'm around. Now, it's either 'your mom' jokes or me."

I said, "And I, like so many men before me, will eagerly choose your mom."

A girl is fed up with her boyfriend's unhealthy obsession with detective movies, and wants to break up with him.

"This is too much. We really should split up."

"Good idea, we can cover more ground that way."

My girlfriend said she'd break up with me if I kept singing oasis

I said maybe.

How did Redbull break up The Beatles?

It gave McCartney Wings.

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A woman threatens to break up with her boyfriend if he can't make sex last longer, so the boyfriend decides to see his doctor to find out how he can make sex last longer.

"Try masturbating before sex," says the doctor.

The guy drives home trying to think about where to masturbate. "I can't masturbate out in the open, and I can't do it at home because my girlfriend might catch me."

Finally, the guy comes to a decision. He pulls over his car, crawls under...

My girlfriend wants to break up with me.

She says it's because I keep making jokes about her getting fat. So I said ''That's not true. I would never try to have fun at your expanse"

I really feel lonely and alone after an intense break up with my girlfriend.

I have no one to talk about it, not even with my wife.

I once had a girlfriend who lost half her foot in a terrible car accident. I had to break up with her though

Because I'm lack toes intolerant.

I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...

...she just wasn't my type.

Her: I want to break up. For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.

Him: Ok. And for the main course?

My heart sank when i received a text from my gf " I can't take this anymore,let's break up "

You can imagine the tears of joy I had when i received a follow up message

"Sorry ,wrong number"

My girlfriend: If you don't stop making Scooby Doo references, then I'll break up with you.

Me: Alright gang, let's split up.

What do you say when two T-rex break up from a relationship?

- Tyrannosaurus EX

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Its hard to break up with a Japanese girl

You have to drop the bomb twice before she understands.

How did the stegasaurus break up the huge boulder?

With his dino-might

Why did Batman break up with Catwoman?

He didn’t like getting hair balls.

Why did Werner Heisenberg break up with his girlfriend?

He wasn't certain exactly where their relationship was currently going, but he knew that it was moving too fast.

"How to break up with your girlfriend" A two-step process:

Step 1: take off your glasses

Step 2: say: 'I'm afraid I can't see you anymore!'

Britain should have written a break up note

"It's not EU, it's me"

Why did Captain Kirk’s girlfriend break up with him?

Because he Shatner face.

I had to break up with my girlfriend. She was a necromancer.

She wanted us to raise a family together.

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye. I had to break up with her.

She was seeing somebody on the side.

My girlfriend says she may break up with me because I don't like cats...

I told her, "I like cats, I just can't eat a whole one by myself."

Why did d/dx break up with e^x?

She finally realized that she could never change him. #mathcanbefunny

What do you say when you break up with an electrician?

Watt is love?

Baby don't hertz me.

Don't hertz me.

N-ohm-ore.

N-ohm-ore.

A tree says to another tree, her boyfriend, "I think we should break up"

The other tree: "why wood you do this"

Why did they Backstreet Boys break up?

They just weren't NSYNC.

As part of the break up process,I decided to burn all my ex wife's clothes.

It gave me great satisfaction.....

She was wearing them at the time.

I'm starting a service helping people break up with their significant others over dinner

I'm calling it FedEx

It's such a shame when people break up over the phone.

They should try hanging up and trying again.

Why did the strict grammar teachers break up?

He missed a colon, she missed a period, and they both hated contractions.

I had to break up with my girlfriend because she was obsessive about cellophane wrap.

She was way too clingy.

My deaf girlfriend was going to break up with me

She didn’t really say anything. But the signs were all there.

Why did the space rock break up?

It couldn’t comet.

Break up

My boyfriend just broke up with me, he was sick and tired of my constant zodiac puns.

It Taurus apart.

I'm in Pisces typing this

I had to break up with my girlfriend who suffered from insomnia

She just wasn’t very into-resting

My girlfriend wants to break up with me and I don’t know why.

I’ve asked my parents, siblings, friends, wife, other family. No one can figure it out.

Why did the introduction and the conclusion break up?

They were just never on the same page...

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I was dating an Optometrist, but finally needed to break up with her

She was sexy and had a great personality, but after a while she was just too annoying in bed.

She was always saying, "So, do you like it better like this?... or like this?"

At first I wanted to break up with my girlfriend because she didn’t like to play video games...

It wasn’t really something to Fallout 4.

[NSFW] What bad habit in the bedroom forced the guy to break up with his girlfriend?

She'd take a lickin but kept on kickin

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At a Parsi wedding at Allbless Baug, everyone got drunk. The bride's & groom's families wrecked the new reception hall fighting with each other. The police had to break up the fighting.

The next week, both families were in Mumbai High court.

The judge Soli Dorabji asked, "All right now, what happened?"

Firdaus Rohinton Pavri said, "Sahebji, I was the best man. I should explain what happened."

”Go ahead, Firdaus. Take the stand."

He explained, "Per tradit...

My girlfriend said she wants to break up with me because im too childish

i said please give me another chance
she said "no, we're through, done, finished, end of, period.
so i started laughing
she said "what are u laughing for?"
i said "hehe, you said period"

A man wanted to break up with his long-term girlfriend

Marcus decided to do this when they were going to have a dinner night with both of their parents.

When the night came, he cleared his throat before mustering up the courage to say,

"Angela, I believe that we need to break up. I'm sorry, but it just isn't working out between us anymore...

Why did Mrs.Claus break up with Santa?

Because he kept calling her a hoe hoe hoe

Why did the Sourdough Man break up with the Baker?

He didn't feel kneaded anymore.

Why did the flat-earther couple break up?

They drove each other to the edge.

My girlfriend told me if I use any more chess terminology, she'll break up with me

"Check," I said.

She moved out the next day.

"Checkmate," I said.

I had to break up with my neurosurgeon girlfriend

She was messing with my head

What's the worst way to break up with Elon Musk?

By saying *"I need some space"*

How do you instantly break up an anti-quarantine rally?

Cough.

My girlfriend texted me it wasn't working our and we needed to break up

Don't worry, she explained me that it was meant for someone else

My computer won't stop crying and singing about break ups...

That's the last time I buy A Dell.

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I had to break up with my girlfriend...

Me and my Japanese girlfriend had been dating for around 9 months before she really started becoming attached and really clingy. I decided that the best thing for me to do was to end the relationship. When I told her she took it surprisingly well, and she didn't get upset or anything. I was ecstatic...

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