UPJOKE
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How do you break up a fight between 2 blind men?

Yell out: 'My money is on the one with a knife...'

I’ve been trying really hard to break up with my optician girlfriend.

Every time I tell her I can’t see her any more, she moves a bit closer to me says "How about now, is that any better?"

My girlfriend wants to break up with me.

She says it's because I keep making jokes about her getting fat. So I said ''That's not true. I would never try to have fun at your expanse"

I had to break up with my girlfriend after I ran over her feet with a lawnmower...

I'm lactose intolerant.

A girl is fed up with her boyfriend's unhealthy obsession with detective movies, and wants to break up with him.

"This is too much. We really should split up."

"Good idea, we can cover more ground that way."

My girlfriend wants to break up because of my procastination

I told her we can discuss this later

My girlfriend told me she would break up with me if I kept telling jokes about the USSR

Soviet

My girlfriend said she'd break up with me if I kept singing oasis

I said maybe.

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When my girlfriend and I break up and she screws 10 guys, she's an "empowered woman"

But when I do it I'm "gay".

My girlfriend said she would break up with me if I said another Scooby-Doo quote.

My last words to her were “Alright, let’s split up gang.”

My heart sank when i received a text from my gf " I can't take this anymore,let's break up "

You can imagine the tears of joy I had when i received a follow up message

"Sorry ,wrong number"

Why did Batman break up with Catwoman?

He didn’t like getting hair balls.

I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...

...she just wasn't my type.

What do you say when two T-rex break up from a relationship?

- Tyrannosaurus EX

If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance,

she'd be your....
Space x.

Why did Werner Heisenberg break up with his girlfriend?

He wasn't certain exactly where their relationship was currently going, but he knew that it was moving too fast.

How do you break up a boomer fight?

How do you break up a boomer fight?

Throw two nickels in opposite corners of the room.

How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

Why did the banker break up with his girlfriend?

Because she showed him no interest

Guys I really want to break up with my Jazz musician girlfriend but I can't

The Sax is too good

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A woman threatens to break up with her boyfriend if he can't make sex last longer, so the boyfriend decides to see his doctor to find out how he can make sex last longer.

"Try masturbating before sex," says the doctor.

The guy drives home trying to think about where to masturbate. "I can't masturbate out in the open, and I can't do it at home because my girlfriend might catch me."

Finally, the guy comes to a decision. He pulls over his car, crawls under...

My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up?

Edit: He actually just gave me five golden rings! Maybe he really does know me (:

Edit2: More birds again

"How to break up with your girlfriend" A two-step process:

Step 1: take off your glasses

Step 2: say: 'I'm afraid I can't see you anymore!'

As part of the break up process,I decided to burn all my ex wife's clothes.

It gave me great satisfaction.....

She was wearing them at the time.

I'm starting a service helping people break up with their significant others over dinner

I'm calling it FedEx

It's such a shame when people break up over the phone.

They should try hanging up and trying again.

My imaginary girlfriend wants to break up with me.

She told me she wanted me to start seeing other people.

I witnessed the break up of an obese couple

I guess they didn't work out.

Why did they Backstreet Boys break up?

They just weren't NSYNC.

A tree says to another tree, her boyfriend, "I think we should break up"

The other tree: "why wood you do this"

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I had to break up with my girlfriend because she didn't like my German shepherd

I don't like that Hans gets sheep shit all over the house as well but I think she overreacted

I had to break up with my girlfriend because she was obsessive about cellophane wrap.

She was way too clingy.

Why did Mrs.Claus break up with Santa?

Because he kept calling her a hoe hoe hoe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was dating an Optometrist, but finally needed to break up with her

She was sexy and had a great personality, but after a while she was just too annoying in bed.

She was always saying, "So, do you like it better like this?... or like this?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese girl?

You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

My girlfriend: If you don't stop making Scooby Doo references, then I'll break up with you.

Me: Alright gang, let's split up.

Why did the space rock break up?

It couldn’t comet.

Santa and Mrs. Claus have decided to break up

However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.

They're great at separating independent Clauses.

What’s the worst way to break up with a blind person?

“I think we should see other people”

My girlfriend kept telling me she was going to break up with me if I didn't stop quoting the song I'm a Believer by The Monkees, but I thought she was just kidding...

Then I saw her face.

Break up

My boyfriend just broke up with me, he was sick and tired of my constant zodiac puns.

It Taurus apart.

I'm in Pisces typing this

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the vagina break up with the penis?

It was being a dick.

What's the best way to break up with your girlfriend?

On the front page of reddit.

My girlfriend wants to break up with me and I don’t know why.

I’ve asked my parents, siblings, friends, wife, other family. No one can figure it out.

Why did d/dx break up with e^x?

She finally realized that she could never change him. #mathcanbefunny

At first I wanted to break up with my girlfriend because she didn’t like to play video games...

It wasn’t really something to Fallout 4.

Why did the Sourdough Man break up with the Baker?

He didn't feel kneaded anymore.

Why did the strict grammar teachers break up?

He missed a colon, she missed a period, and they both hated contractions.

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At a Parsi wedding at Allbless Baug, everyone got drunk. The bride's & groom's families wrecked the new reception hall fighting with each other. The police had to break up the fighting.

The next week, both families were in Mumbai High court.

The judge Soli Dorabji asked, "All right now, what happened?"

Firdaus Rohinton Pavri said, "Sahebji, I was the best man. I should explain what happened."

”Go ahead, Firdaus. Take the stand."

He explained, "Per tradit...

My deaf girlfriend was going to break up with me

She didn’t really say anything. But the signs were all there.

Why did Captain Kirk’s girlfriend break up with him?

Because he Shatner face.

What do you say when you break up with an electrician?

Watt is love?

Baby don't hertz me.

Don't hertz me.

N-ohm-ore.

N-ohm-ore.

What's the worst way to break up with Elon Musk?

By saying *"I need some space"*

I had to break up with my girlfriend who suffered from insomnia

She just wasn’t very into-resting

I had to break up with my tennis player girlfriend

Love meant nothing to her

Why should you never break up with a goalie?

Why should you never break up with a goalie? Because he is a keeper.

Why did the ghost's girlfriend break up with him?

She found out about his side boos!

Why did the flat-earther couple break up?

They drove each other to the edge.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex-gf had a dick but we had to break up

..She was a huge pain in the ass

I had to break up with my neurosurgeon girlfriend

She was messing with my head

My girlfriend threatened to break up with me

She said, "You act so childish whenever I'm around. Now, it's either 'your mom' jokes or me."

I said, "And I, like so many men before me, will eagerly choose your mom."

So my girlfriend said she wanted to break up with me because I had no sense of direction.

So I packed my things and right.

My girlfriend said she wants to break up with me because im too childish

i said please give me another chance
she said "no, we're through, done, finished, end of, period.
so i started laughing
she said "what are u laughing for?"
i said "hehe, you said period"

My girlfriend texted me it wasn't working our and we needed to break up

Don't worry, she explained me that it was meant for someone else

How do you instantly break up an anti-quarantine rally?

Cough.

Her: I want to break up. For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.

Him: Ok. And for the main course?

My girlfriend told me if I use any more chess terminology, she'll break up with me

"Check," I said.

She moved out the next day.

"Checkmate," I said.

I used to date a cross eyed girl but we had to break up

She was seeing someone on the side

My girlfriend says she may break up with me because I don't like cats...

I told her, "I like cats, I just can't eat a whole one by myself."

Why did the female rock break up with the male rock?

Because he took her for granite

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is it hard to break up with a Japanese person?

Because you have to drop the bomb twice for them to understand.

P.S. : Reposting this as some Japanese folks didn't get it the first time around.

What’s the nicest thing to say after a break up with a girl from Alabama?

I hope we can still be cousins

I had to break up with my girlfriend. She was a necromancer.

She wanted us to raise a family together.

Break ups are the worst in China

You see her face everywhere

Why did the physicist and the biologist break up?

There was just no chemistry

Why did Jack and Jill break up after reaching the top of the hill?

It was all down hill from there.

A man wanted to break up with his long-term girlfriend

Marcus decided to do this when they were going to have a dinner night with both of their parents.

When the night came, he cleared his throat before mustering up the courage to say,

"Angela, I believe that we need to break up. I'm sorry, but it just isn't working out between us anymore...

Britain should have written a break up note

"It's not EU, it's me"

I had to break up with my girlfriend because she had something stuck between her teeth!

It was my best friend Dave.

Why did Jasmine break up with Aladdin?

Because he had a boo on the side

Couples usually break up after 7 days

Because they have a week relationship at that point

We need to break up...

...your busy schedule with some well deserved snuggle time!

Why did Mike Tyson break up with his girlfriend?

EARreconcilable differenceth

Traffic in New York seems like a mass break up

No one is moving on

Why did my gamer boyfriend break up with me?

I didn’t meet his xboxtations.

Why did Barbie break up with Ken?

He kept Toying with her emotions

My girlfriend wanted to break up with me for misquoting Oasis lyrics too much...

I said: "I don't believe anybody feels the way I feel about you now."

When I told my ex girlfriend that I wanted to break up, she tried gifting me a mini plastic figurine of myself in an attempt to salvage our relationship.

I screamed, "Lego of me!"

I had to break up with my opera singer girlfriend...

It was always about MI MI MI MI MI!

My gf works for the government but just delivered the message to me that she wants to break up...

Guess she's now my Fed Ex...

Why did the woman break up with her ghost boyfriend?

He got possessive

Why did Ranch break up with Thousand Island?

Because Thousand Island Bleu Cheese

Why Did The Socks Break Up.

Because one always had to be right so the other left.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had to break up with my girlfriend...

Me and my Japanese girlfriend had been dating for around 9 months before she really started becoming attached and really clingy. I decided that the best thing for me to do was to end the relationship. When I told her she took it surprisingly well, and she didn't get upset or anything. I was ecstatic...

A police officer tries to break up with his wife, also a police officer.

Husband: "We're over."

Wife: "We're what? over."

I was gonna break up with an ex-girlfriend because she had a Linkin Park poster on her wall

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter

Why did Mickey break up with Minnie?

Because she was f***ing goofy.

Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher?

BECAUSE There was no chemistry.
LOL

I had to break up with my cop girlfriend. We’re both into BDSM...

but I’m not comfortable doing blackface

Why did the introduction and the conclusion break up?

They were just never on the same page...

My son just told me the school security guard got fired and the new one has only one arm. He asked, "How will he be able to break up fights with only one arm?"

I replied, "Single-handedly."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to break up with your partner

You: Your ex is sexy


Them: Which one?

You: Me lol, bye

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are drinking at a bar all night. Finally, one man says to the other, “I hate to break up the fun, but I’ve got to go home and take off my wife’s underwear.”

The other man replies, “What makes you think you’ll be so lucky?”



The first man replies while walking out the door, “because they’ve been riding up my butt all night and I’ve had enough.”

What do you get when you break up with your girlfriend in the shower?

A Kleenex

What do you call an Irish fella trying to break up a fight?

Liam Malone

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