UPJOKE
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How do you break up a fight between 2 blind men?

Yell out: 'My money is on the one with a knife...'

If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your....

Space x.

Why did the shrimp break up with her boyfriend?

He was really shellfish!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are drinking at a bar all night. Finally, one man says to the other, “I hate to break up the fun, but I’ve got to go home and take off my wife’s underwear.”

The other man replies, “What makes you think you’ll be so lucky?” The first man replies while walking out the door, “because they’ve been riding up my butt all night and I’ve had enough.”

Why did the All-American Rejects break up?

It was time for them to move along.

I really feel lonely and alone after an intense break up with my girlfriend.

I have no one to talk about it, not even with my wife.

My wife said she wants to break up with me

Me: “Why?!?”

Wife: “You keep making stupid Transformers jokes…”

Me: “Please don’t leave, I can change!”

I once had a girlfriend who lost half her foot in a terrible car accident. I had to break up with her though

Because I'm lack toes intolerant.

I’ve been trying really hard to break up with my optician girlfriend.

Every time I tell her I can’t see her any more, she moves a bit closer to me says "How about now, is that any better?"

A girl is fed up with her boyfriend's unhealthy obsession with detective movies, and wants to break up with him.

"This is too much. We really should split up."

"Good idea, we can cover more ground that way."

My girlfriend told me she would break up with me if I kept telling jokes about the USSR

Soviet

My girlfriend wants to break up with me.

She says it's because I keep making jokes about her getting fat. So I said ''That's not true. I would never try to have fun at your expanse"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When my girlfriend and I break up and she screws 10 guys, she's an "empowered woman"

But when I do it I'm "gay".

How did Redbull break up The Beatles?

It gave McCartney Wings.

How did the stegasaurus break up the huge boulder?

With his dino-might

My heart sank when i received a text from my gf " I can't take this anymore,let's break up "

You can imagine the tears of joy I had when i received a follow up message

"Sorry ,wrong number"

I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...

...she just wasn't my type.

Why did Batman break up with Catwoman?

He didn’t like getting hair balls.

What do you say when two T-rex break up from a relationship?

- Tyrannosaurus EX

My girlfriend said she'd break up with me if I kept singing oasis

I said maybe.

Why did Werner Heisenberg break up with his girlfriend?

He wasn't certain exactly where their relationship was currently going, but he knew that it was moving too fast.

"How to break up with your girlfriend" A two-step process:

Step 1: take off your glasses

Step 2: say: 'I'm afraid I can't see you anymore!'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman threatens to break up with her boyfriend if he can't make sex last longer, so the boyfriend decides to see his doctor to find out how he can make sex last longer.

"Try masturbating before sex," says the doctor.

The guy drives home trying to think about where to masturbate. "I can't masturbate out in the open, and I can't do it at home because my girlfriend might catch me."

Finally, the guy comes to a decision. He pulls over his car, crawls under...

My imaginary girlfriend wants to break up with me.

She told me she wanted me to start seeing other people.

I witnessed the break up of an obese couple

I guess they didn't work out.

My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up?

Edit: He actually just gave me five golden rings! Maybe he really does know me (:

Edit2: More birds again

How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

How do you break up a boomer fight?

How do you break up a boomer fight?

Throw two nickels in opposite corners of the room.

Guys I really want to break up with my Jazz musician girlfriend but I can't

The Sax is too good

Why did the banker break up with his girlfriend?

Because she showed him no interest

As part of the break up process,I decided to burn all my ex wife's clothes.

It gave me great satisfaction.....

She was wearing them at the time.

It's such a shame when people break up over the phone.

They should try hanging up and trying again.

I'm starting a service helping people break up with their significant others over dinner

I'm calling it FedEx

Santa and Mrs. Claus have decided to break up

However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.

They're great at separating independent Clauses.

My girlfriend: If you don't stop making Scooby Doo references, then I'll break up with you.

Me: Alright gang, let's split up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese girl?

You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

Why did d/dx break up with e^x?

She finally realized that she could never change him. #mathcanbefunny

What’s the worst way to break up with a blind person?

“I think we should see other people”

Why did the space rock break up?

It couldn’t comet.

Break up

My boyfriend just broke up with me, he was sick and tired of my constant zodiac puns.

It Taurus apart.

I'm in Pisces typing this

A tree says to another tree, her boyfriend, "I think we should break up"

The other tree: "why wood you do this"

Why did they Backstreet Boys break up?

They just weren't NSYNC.

I had to break up with my girlfriend who suffered from insomnia

She just wasn’t very into-resting

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was dating an Optometrist, but finally needed to break up with her

She was sexy and had a great personality, but after a while she was just too annoying in bed.

She was always saying, "So, do you like it better like this?... or like this?"

I had to break up with my cross-eyed girlfriend...

Apparently, she was seeing someone else on the side.

My deaf girlfriend was going to break up with me

She didn’t really say anything. But the signs were all there.

My girlfriend kept telling me she was going to break up with me if I didn't stop quoting the song I'm a Believer by The Monkees, but I thought she was just kidding...

Then I saw her face.

Why did Captain Kirk’s girlfriend break up with him?

Because he Shatner face.

What do you say when you break up with an electrician?

Watt is love?

Baby don't hertz me.

Don't hertz me.

N-ohm-ore.

N-ohm-ore.

What's the best way to break up with your girlfriend?

On the front page of reddit.

I had to break up with my tennis player girlfriend

Love meant nothing to her

My girlfriend wants to break up with me and I don’t know why.

I’ve asked my parents, siblings, friends, wife, other family. No one can figure it out.

Why did Mrs.Claus break up with Santa?

Because he kept calling her a hoe hoe hoe

I had to break up with my girlfriend because she was obsessive about cellophane wrap.

She was way too clingy.

At first I wanted to break up with my girlfriend because she didn’t like to play video games...

It wasn’t really something to Fallout 4.

[NSFW] What bad habit in the bedroom forced the guy to break up with his girlfriend?

She'd take a lickin but kept on kickin

Why did the strict grammar teachers break up?

He missed a colon, she missed a period, and they both hated contractions.

Her: I want to break up. For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.

Him: Ok. And for the main course?

Why did the Sourdough Man break up with the Baker?

He didn't feel kneaded anymore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At a Parsi wedding at Allbless Baug, everyone got drunk. The bride's & groom's families wrecked the new reception hall fighting with each other. The police had to break up the fighting.

The next week, both families were in Mumbai High court.

The judge Soli Dorabji asked, "All right now, what happened?"

Firdaus Rohinton Pavri said, "Sahebji, I was the best man. I should explain what happened."

”Go ahead, Firdaus. Take the stand."

He explained, "Per tradit...

I had to break up with my neurosurgeon girlfriend

She was messing with my head

My girlfriend said she wants to break up with me because im too childish

i said please give me another chance
she said "no, we're through, done, finished, end of, period.
so i started laughing
she said "what are u laughing for?"
i said "hehe, you said period"

My girlfriend texted me it wasn't working our and we needed to break up

Don't worry, she explained me that it was meant for someone else

Why should you never break up with a goalie?

Why should you never break up with a goalie? Because he is a keeper.

My girlfriend told me if I use any more chess terminology, she'll break up with me

"Check," I said.

She moved out the next day.

"Checkmate," I said.

Why did the flat-earther couple break up?

They drove each other to the edge.

I used to date a cross eyed girl but we had to break up

She was seeing someone on the side

My girlfriend threatened to break up with me

She said, "You act so childish whenever I'm around. Now, it's either 'your mom' jokes or me."

I said, "And I, like so many men before me, will eagerly choose your mom."

Britain should have written a break up note

"It's not EU, it's me"

What's the worst way to break up with Elon Musk?

By saying *"I need some space"*

Why did the female rock break up with the male rock?

Because he took her for granite

Why did the physicist and the biologist break up?

There was just no chemistry

Couples usually break up after 7 days

Because they have a week relationship at that point

How do you instantly break up an anti-quarantine rally?

Cough.

My girlfriend says she may break up with me because I don't like cats...

I told her, "I like cats, I just can't eat a whole one by myself."

Why did x and y break up?

They couldn't function together.

A man wanted to break up with his long-term girlfriend

Marcus decided to do this when they were going to have a dinner night with both of their parents.

When the night came, he cleared his throat before mustering up the courage to say,

"Angela, I believe that we need to break up. I'm sorry, but it just isn't working out between us anymore...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is it hard to break up with a Japanese person?

Because you have to drop the bomb twice for them to understand.

P.S. : Reposting this as some Japanese folks didn't get it the first time around.

Why did Barbie break up with Ken?

He kept Toying with her emotions

What’s the nicest thing to say after a break up with a girl from Alabama?

I hope we can still be cousins

We need to break up...

...your busy schedule with some well deserved snuggle time!

I had to break up with my girlfriend because she had something stuck between her teeth!

It was my best friend Dave.

Traffic in New York seems like a mass break up

No one is moving on

Break ups are the worst in China

You see her face everywhere

A police officer tries to break up with his wife, also a police officer.

Husband: "We're over."

Wife: "We're what? over."

Why did Jack and Jill break up after reaching the top of the hill?

It was all down hill from there.

Why did my gamer boyfriend break up with me?

I didn’t meet his xboxtations.

When I told my ex girlfriend that I wanted to break up, she tried gifting me a mini plastic figurine of myself in an attempt to salvage our relationship.

I screamed, "Lego of me!"

Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher?

BECAUSE There was no chemistry.
LOL

Why did Jasmine break up with Aladdin?

Because he had a boo on the side

Why did Mike Tyson break up with his girlfriend?

EARreconcilable differenceth

Why did the woman break up with her ghost boyfriend?

He got possessive

My gf works for the government but just delivered the message to me that she wants to break up...

Guess she's now my Fed Ex...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had to break up with my girlfriend...

Me and my Japanese girlfriend had been dating for around 9 months before she really started becoming attached and really clingy. I decided that the best thing for me to do was to end the relationship. When I told her she took it surprisingly well, and she didn't get upset or anything. I was ecstatic...

Why did the introduction and the conclusion break up?

They were just never on the same page...

Why did Mickey break up with Minnie?

Because she was f***ing goofy.

I had to break up with my opera singer girlfriend...

It was always about MI MI MI MI MI!

I was gonna break up with an ex-girlfriend because she had a Linkin Park poster on her wall

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter

I had to break up with my cop girlfriend. We’re both into BDSM...

but I’m not comfortable doing blackface

What do you get when you break up with your girlfriend in the shower?

A Kleenex

My son just told me the school security guard got fired and the new one has only one arm. He asked, "How will he be able to break up fights with only one arm?"

I replied, "Single-handedly."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to break up with your partner

You: Your ex is sexy


Them: Which one?

You: Me lol, bye

How did the egg break up with the other egg?

She said, "We're ova!"

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