A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress,...

.. taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across ...

Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that has ever served me.

With just the tip.

I was drinking a margarita and the waitress screamed “does anyone know CPR?”

I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet” and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one guy.

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A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating…

She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"

One of the Bulgarian men says, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry."

The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??"
...

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A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years ...

"Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?"

Waitress: *slaps me right across the face*

"The men I please are none of your damn business!"

A man flags down a waitress at a diner...

"Hi... could I get a coffee please?"

"Of course... how do you take it?"

"Sugar, no cream"

"I'm sorry, we're out of cream. Would you like it without milk instead?"

A guest flirts with the waitress in the pub. He has a very nice dog with him.

At some point he takes the waitress aside and whispers in her ear:
"This is a really great dog. He can even make women happy!"

The waitress is interested, and they meet in the back room after closing time. She undresses and lies down expectantly on the sofa.

He calls the dog:
"Ha...

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Went to a steak house and the waitress asked how I wanted my steak.

I said, "just like I want my sex." She said, "we don't make them that rare."

Little Johnny and the waitress

Little Johnny: I'm not very hungry, any simple dish?


Waitress: Maybe the chicken strips for $6.99?


Little Johnny: Maybe it does but that won't help with my hunger.

My waitress at breakfast this morning was really unsettling.

She gave me the crêpes.

Waitress "How did you find your steak tonight?"

"I looked next to my potatoes and there it was"...

My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked.

My wife replied with a sneer, "Because she has no taste."

My IT friend tried to flirt with a waitress and failed miserably

I guess it wasn’t the first time he couldn’t connect to the server

What happens when a computer engineer fails flirting with a waitress?

Error in connecting to the server

What message did the cyborg see upon his failed attempt to flirt with the waitress?

Error! Unable to establish a connection with server.

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A Waitress approached a Man sitting at the table.

Waitress: Are you ready to order sir.?

Man: Yes.

Waitress: What about your Wife.?

Man: She has popped to the bathroom.

Waitress: Do you know what she is having.?

Man: Well it's been 10 minutes, so probably a shit.

I was at a restaurant and a cute waitress was flirting with me. She gave her email and told me to hit her up sometime. I tried to email her the next day but the internet was down.

I couldn’t connect to the server

Whilst driving through Wales with my pal, we stopped off at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch for lunch.

I asked the waitress, "Could you settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very slowly?" The waitress replied, "Burr gerr King!"

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A strip club joke

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a w...

Two English tourists were driving through Wales.At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch they asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument.Can you pronounce where we are,very,very,slowly?"

The girl leaned over and said:

“Burrr… gurrr… King.”

A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food.

He looks up at the menu above the bar. It says Hot Dog $2, Cheeseburger $5, and Handjob $10.

He asks the waitress, "Miss, are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

She winks and replies, "Why yes I am." He says, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

A waitress at a diner gives a man his check. As he gets up to leave, he puts down the amount for the check plus three cents for the tip. The waitress notices this and approaches him before he leaves.

Waitress: You know, I can tell a lot about a person by each of the coins that are left.
Man: Okay, what do these pennies tell you about me?

Waitress: This first one tells me that you are very thrifty.
Man: Hmm. Yes, that's true. Go on.

Waitress: This second one tells me that you ...

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I have a friend who always thinks that the waitresses we get want to have sex with him

I try and tell him that they want just the tip

This waitress asked me a really stupid question

She said, "how did you find your steak sir?"

I said, "well, I just looked next to the potatoes and there it was."

Waitress: Do you have any questions about the menu?

Me: What font is this?

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A waitress, on her last day, decides to walk to each of her tables and lift up her skirt to proudly proclaim,

"Super Pussy!". She continues to do this over and over to the horror of her customers, until she reaches a table which sat an elderly man. She approaches him and lifts up her skirt and, again, proclaims, "Super Pussy!" and awaits his reaction. The old man looks at her, then her pussy, then back at h...

I was once in a diner and a man was choking. The waitress called out “Help, does anyone know CPR?!” “Yes!” I cried. “They’re three letters in the alphabet!” Everyone laughed

Well, except for one guy, I guess he didn’t get the joke.

A waitress spots a dejected looking man staring at the menu...

Concerned, she approaches and asks if she can help.

Man: I'd like to order my late wife's usual meal but I can't remember it...

Waitress: I'm so sorry! Could you describe it to me? I'm sure we can figure out what her favorite was.

Man: No, it's fine. I'll just text her, she shou...

Told the waitress my coffee tasted like mud.

"It should, it was fresh ground this morning. "

Say what you want to say about waitresses

But they bring a lot to the table.

A guy walks into a cafe and asks for a bowl of chili.

The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl." He looks over and sees that the guy's bowl of chili is full. He says, "If you're not going to eat that, mind if I take it?" The other guys says, "No, help yourself." He starts to eat it and about halfway down, his fork hits something. It's ...

A man goes to a restaurant and asks waitress "Can I know about the menu please"

The waitress ignores him.
The man politely asks again, "Can you let me know about the menu please"
The waitress ignores him again.
The man being a gentleman he was, asks again, "I want to know the menu please!"
The waitress gets irritated and responds, "It's none of your business to know...

I've found a way to arouse a woman with just one finger.

All you have to do is lift it high enough so that the waiter or waitress can see that you are paying for the bill.

This time of year reminds me of that time I spent Christmas on the road ...

I stopped into a little diner for breakfast, and ordered the Christmas Eggs Benedict. The waitress came and delivered it on a shiny metal plate. I said, "This is fancy." She replied, "Well hon', you know there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

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One of my all-time favourite jokes

(read with Italian accent)

One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say, you no understand, I wanna piss onna my plate. She s...

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I went to pay my tab at the pub but I was 15% short…

The waitress said we could fuck to make up the difference. When I held back most of my dick she asked what the hell I was doing. I told her my bill was paid this is just the tip.

A guy is sitting a table in a restaurant when the waitress comes over.....

Hello sir, what would you like to order?

I'll have a quickie please sweetheart...

Okay sir i'll ask again, what would you like to order?

I really want a quickie, please, you know? Tart...

With that the waitress slaps the guy and storms off.

One of the other custome...

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Italian brothers garage

These two Italian brothers own a garage. They hire this Korean guy as a mechanic.
One morning the brothers go to open the garage and they find the Korean guy dead in the alley. They call the police.

Cop: What was his full name?

Tony: I don't know. We called him Park.

Cop: Jus...

I once dated a waitress. It didn't work out..

All she wanted was the tip

Waitress, do you have a lobster tail?

Waitress:

'Yes. Once upon a time there was a little lobster called Lenny and ..."

A couple is dining in a restaurant when suddenly the waitress catches the man slowly sliding under the table

She sees that the woman is not bothered by this and assumes the worst...
Thinking how to approach the situation, she slowly gets to the table and quietly tells the woman:
"Ma'am, I think your husband just slid under the table for no apparent reason"
The woman turns her head and whispers...

Where does a one leg waitress work?

Ihop...

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How can you tell which one is a blonde waitress?

She's the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering where she put her pencil.

Source: Heard it ages ago

No one should ever tip their waiter/waitress

Their job is hard enough without their customers pushing them over.

Customer: What would you recommend from the menu? Waitress: The beef tongue is very good today. Customer: Yeech! I'd never eat anything that came from an animal's mouth.

Waitress: Okay. How about some eggs?

My friend tried to start a restaurant called Honkers. But he didn’t get very good business.

Apparently, the idea of a restaurant where all the waitresses have big noses doesn’t appeal to a lot of people.

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I was at a deli when the waitress asked me “What would you like?”

I said, “I want to DEVOUR THE UNBORN!”

Waitress: What the fuck?

Me: Eggs. I want eggs.

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Billy was the first person in his small town to go to college.

After he’d been there a few weeks, he lost all his money at a fraternity card game. He thought about his options and had an idea.

His father had just written him to ask how things were going. Billy wrote back and said, “Dad, you won’t BELIEVE what they can do at this school! They can teach...

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What's the difference between a waitress and a toilet?

A toilet is only expected to deal with one asshole at a time.

Smart waitress

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an a...

Why does the ugly waitress work for tips?

Because nobody wants to stick the whole thing in

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Guy's wife is pissed he's leaving his fortune to a hot 20-year-old waitress.

Wife says, "I can't believe you've been banging this woman! How could you?!"

He snaps back, "I haven't been!"

She says, "Then why the fuck are you leaving her all this money?!"

He replies, "Because then maybe I can!"

Why did the waitress say when Rick Astley asked to fast track his order of apple pie and vanilla ice cream?

I"m never gonna run around and dessert you.

Double Cross

The 70-year-old groom and the 25-year-old bride attracted attention as they checked into the resort hotel. The next morning, at eight sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a happy tune, sat down at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye told...

What do you order from a waitress you really like?

One hot tea to go.

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A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket an...

So I think i found a new favorite Resturaunt:

I stopped by this place after work called "Sunny Hills" and I gotta say, it ain't that bad.

The menu seems to be all soft easily malleable food. But who doesn't love Custard?

The place is full of senior citizens with nary a person under 50 on site, well the waitresses seem to be arou...

Chili special

Guy goes into a diner and sees the special of the day is chili. Waitress comes up and asks what he'd like and he says, I'll take a bowl of that chili. Waitress apologizes and says we sold out, that guy, pointing next to him, got the last bowl. The guy says okay that's fine I'll have a Dr pepper for ...

Once Descartes went to a coffee shop

Waitress: Sir, Do you want one more coffee?
Descartes: Umm..I think not.
-----He suddenly disappears-----

A waitress once threw sodium chloride on me.

That’s assault.

An attractive waitress approaches a table of two men and asks them what they would like to order.

“How about a quickie?” asks the one man. She immediately throws his water in his face and storms off to call the manager.

His friend leans across the table and says, “Dude, it’s pronounced “quiche””.

I was at a diner when the waitress asked me, “Do you want to hear today’s special?”

I said, “Yes, please.”

Waitress: Sure. Today is special.

I think my waitress is hungry

She keeps asking how my food is.

I was at a restaurant when I noticed my waitress had a black eye...

So I ordered really slowly, because she obviously doesn't listen well.

Why are waitresses so promiscuous?

Because they're either getting a big tip or feeling shafted

A waitress, a butcher, and a policeman walk into a bar.

The policeman arrests everyone there for breaking the quarantine order.

I waved the waitress over to our table.

I said, "Could you get the bill for us?"

She said, "Absolutely."

I said, "Thanks. We're kind of broke."

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A Catholic priest, a Buddhist Monk and an Atheist walk into a bar

After they put in their orders, the three strike up a conversation about what they believe awaits them in the afterlife.

The priest says, "I try to live my life according to God's word, so that I may go to the good Lord in heaven and live in paradise for all of eternity. I do not curse, I for...

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Got kicked out of the local Japanese restaurant last night.

Turns out I misunderstood when my waitress said, “Miso, hot, for you sir”.

Waitress asked man if he had any questions about the menu....

"Yeah, what font is the hamburger special?"

A waitress asked me what kind of bacon I'd like..

I said "I'm going to need a coffee before I make any rash decisions"

A mathematician walks into a diner. He asks the waitress for pie.

She says: " 3.14159 26535 "

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Mike Tyson is a jerk

Alright, so Mike Tyson is kind of a dick. He treats all the people around him like shit. His friends, his family, etc. One day, he goes to a restaurant and just refuses to tip his waitress. Little does he know, the waitress was actually a witch. To get revenge, the witch conjures up a spirit to curs...

A janitor, a waitress, and a bartender walk into a bar.

Then they open for the day.

The T-Rex waiters and waitresses at the restaurant seemed really stressed out

I guess they must have been short-handed

Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?

As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?"

If you think the waitress is bad...

You should see the manager.

Waitress wouldn’t give me a quickie!

I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me! The old lady next to me said, “it’s pronounced ‘Quiche’, my Dear.”

Two mathematicians and blonde waitress.

Two mathematicians were in a restaurant. One of them was a hard-core misogynist and claimed that women were never any good at maths, especially the blonde ones. His friend claimed that there was no difference and that women were just as capable as men. When the misogynist went for a cigarette, the o...

A Frenchman Visits Texas

A French man came to Texas to visit an old friend from WW2. The Texan picked him up in his gigantic Cadillac with longhorns mounted on the hood. Knowing that his friend must be hungry and thirsty after the long flight, he stopped at a bar and grill on the way. They walked in and took a seat at the b...

The waitress brought me the wrong order at Texas Road House, and I told her it was a Miss Steak.

She shook her head, sighed, and told me, "Steak jokes are a rare medium well done."

Was at a “Capital One Cafe” and asked the waitress for her phone number.

Oh NOW they start guarding personal data.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a restaurant.

They are having a fun time and give their waitress a huge tip. Super excited about the tip, the waitress decides to tell them a secret: In the women's bathroom, there is a magical mirror. If you tell it something truthful, you will be greatly rewarded. However, if you lie to the mirror, you will dis...

A man walks into a diner one day and orders a bowl of chili but the waitress says she gave the last of it to a guy sitting nearby who is just staring at it.

After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, "Are you going to eat that?"

The second man replies, "No, you can have it if you want."

So the first man takes the bowl and starts eating.

About halfway through the bowl, he's chewing when he feels a crunch. He l...

A waitress demanded my sweater tonight after my credit was declined several times

She kept asking for my card again.

A guy in a restaurant stops a pretty blonde waitress as she passes by his table...

"Excuse me, Miss. Can I ask you a question about the menu, please?"

She throws a drink in his face. "The men I please are none of your damn business!"

I was in a restaurant last night, when all of sudden, a guy wearing white clothes and a tall white hat burst out of the kitchen. He was ranting, dribbling and touching diners as he passed by. "What the hell was that?!?" I asked the waitress.

She replied, "Oh, the chef's special."

A guy goes into a luncheonette and orders a hamburger and a hot dog. A few minutes later, the waitress puts a plate in front of him with an open bun on it, pulls a hamburger out of her armpit, and tosses it on the bun.

The guy says, “What the hell was that all about?”
She says, “I was just keeping it warm for you.”
He says, “Cancel my hot dog.”

Waitress: "Wow, you eat really fast!" Me: "Yeah, I come from a big family."

Waitress: "Oh yeah? How many siblings do you have?"

Me: "None. My parents are just super fat."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A politician, drug dealer, beekeeper, priest, doctor, lawyer, accountant, engineer, prostitute, programmer, nurse, chef, forensic analyst, biologist, truck driver and a writer walk into a bar

It is a big bar. Very big one. And empty, or at least it was empty until this large group of people entered it.

They all form a queue in front of the bar and order drinks one by one. The politician gets a Heineken, the drug dealer orders a Budweiser, the beekeeper gets a mead, the priest buy...

A tourist visiting Ireland went out for dinner when it came to deserts he was surprised to see “Brexit” listed on the menu so he asked a waitress what it was

She replied oh that’s an “Eton Mess”

Why was the cow broke, despite being a full time waitress?

Nobody tipped her.

What’s your mom and a waitress got in common.

They both like a huge tip from me

"Donner, party of 3!" yelled the waitress.

"Wow took you long enough! We're down to 2 now!"

What do a waitress and a rabbi have in common?

They both take tips.

Just before we paid the check at a restaurant, a cute waitress saw some leftovers and asked my dad “you wanna box?”

“Nah, I would rather wrestle”

What did the diner waitress say to Attila?

"More coffee, Hun?"

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself cautiously, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

My waitress today had a black eye..

So I made sure to speak slowly and repeat myself since apparently she doesn’t listen

A woman orders a very specific tea at a local cafe however the waitress mistakenly brings her a different one...

When the woman takes a sip of it, she notices this and tells the waitress that this is flavor is not her cup of tea.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A restaurant has a challenge: "We will give $500 to any customer whose order we can not fill"

One day, a man sees this sign and decides to take them up on it. So when gets seated, he tells the waitress that he wants an elephant testicle on rye bread.

She dutifully takes his order back to the kitchen. A few seconds later he could hear all hell breaking loose in the kitchen: there's peo...

Waitress: Sorry about your wait

**Me**: Are you calling me fat?!

Stopped in a diner for lunch and on the menu, it said, "Golden Soup", so I asked the waitress why it was called that...

She replied, "Because there are 24 carrots in it."

Today a waitress got her finger stuck in the dishwasher

We had to fire both of them.

Why do waitresses love serving men in fedoras?

If you're nice to them, their tipping intensifies.

My dad is 100% Swedish and this was his favorite joke to tell waitresses when we went out to eat.

Waitress: Are you all finished?

Dad: No, I'm not Finnish, I'm Swedish.

My part-time waitress girlfriend wants to buy nothing but designer outfits...

.. I told her to "act her wage".

Did you hear about the poor waitress who lost her leg in a freak accident?

Now she's working at IHOP.

< Healing >



A guy in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked
the waitress for a cup of coffee. The guy looked across the
restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress
nodded "yes," so the guy requested that she give Jesus a cup of
coffee...

What did the blonde customer say after reading the buxom waitress's name tag?

A: "What did you name the other one?"

My Hooters waitress was pregnant so I called the manager and said

"Can we get another waitress please? This one has an heir in it."

A couple went to a restaurant

Waitress: May I take your orders, please?

Husband: Oh my, aren't you pretty

Waitress: Why, thank you sir

Wife: Tell her about your erectile dysfunction dear

Husband: Of course! How rude of me? Allow me to introduce my erectile dysfunction. Her name is Samantha.

I went to the cannibal restaurant the other night and the waitress gave me the cold shoulder.

It came with rice and a salad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a waitress say after having had sex with a guy with a micro penis?

Thanks for the tip!

The waitress insisted that I tip her...

So it's not my fault she ended up in the hospital!

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