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A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress,...

.. taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across ...

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A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years ...

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A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating…

She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"

One of the Bulgarian men says, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry."

The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??"
...

A guest flirts with the waitress in the pub. He has a very nice dog with him.

At some point he takes the waitress aside and whispers in her ear:
"This is a really great dog. He can even make women happy!"

The waitress is interested, and they meet in the back room after closing time. She undresses and lies down expectantly on the sofa.

He calls the dog:
"Ha...

Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that has ever served me.

With just the tip.

Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?

Waitress (slaps me): That’s none of your business!

Rosco sat down at the truck stop diner and called the waitress over.

“I’d like the beef stew and a kind word,” he said to the waitress.

After she dropped off the stew he said “What about the kind word?”

The waitress smiled at him and whispered “Don’t eat the stew.”

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A waitress forgot to ask a customer how he wanted his steak cooked. She returns to the table and asks him. He replies, I like my steak like I like my sex!

So the waitress turns to the kitchen and shouts, "Very rare."

The new blonde waitress at the truck stop

A nasty and mean looking trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe' and placed his order. He said I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.'

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out ther...

I was at the bar last night and the waitress screamed... "Anyone know CPR?"

I said hell I know the entire alphabet.
Everyone laughed... Well everyone except this one guy.

My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked.

My wife replied with a sneer, "Because she has no taste."

It's exhausting going down on waitresses...

I'm really tired of them asking "How's everything tasting?" 5 seconds in.

I bumped into my friend who’s a waitress the other day

She wasn’t very happy about it

Two mathematicians are in a bar

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the w...

Ancient Chinese proverb:

Waitress who sit on lepers lap, always keep tip.

A asked the waitress for a pepsi. She told me she had Coke.

I said That's cool, I'll have a gram and a Pepsi.

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a guy walks into a restaurant with an ostrich...

A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "...

One of the problems with being a waitress at a strip club is...

You only get the tips.

The waitress asked me if I wanted a box for our leftovers.

I said no but I’ll wrestle you for it.

What’s the biggest similarity between waitressing and prostitution?

Tips are a big part of both jobs

Why did the Alabama man only sleep with waitresses from Olive Garden?

Because when you're there, you're family.

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Dave

Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya doing?'' His wif...

I was in a new IT themed restaurant the other day...

When I walked in I could see the place decorated like the inside of a computer. The tables looked like motherboards, the placemats looked like keyboards, and the glasses looked like giant USB sticks. The host was there to greet me and he was dressed in the usual "nerd" attire - glasses, pocket prote...

So the waitress asks the customer: "Comfortable, sir?"

And the customer responds
"No, no, comeforfood"

My waitress at breakfast this morning was really unsettling.

She gave me the crêpes.

What happens when a computer engineer fails flirting with a waitress?

Error in connecting to the server

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A Waitress approached a Man sitting at the table.

Waitress: Are you ready to order sir.?

Man: Yes.

Waitress: What about your Wife.?

Man: She has popped to the bathroom.

Waitress: Do you know what she is having.?

Man: Well it's been 10 minutes, so probably a shit.

My IT friend tried to flirt with a waitress and failed miserably

I guess it wasn’t the first time he couldn’t connect to the server

Two English tourists were driving through Wales.At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch they asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument.Can you pronounce where we are,very,very,slowly?"

The girl leaned over and said:

“Burrr… gurrr… King.”

Waitress "How did you find your steak tonight?"

"I looked next to my potatoes and there it was"...

A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food. He looks up at the menu above the bar it says:

Hot dog – $2

Cheeseburger – $5

Hand job – $10

He asks the waitress, “Miss are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” She winks and replies, “why yes I am.” He says, “Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.”

Son keeps tipping the waitress

Every sunday father and son go to the same restaurant.
When asking for the bill the waitress come and places the bill in the table, they put the right amount on the table but the son puts a 500 dollars tip.

Next Monday the father goes the same restaurant pays and leave a 5 dollars tip. ...

A man went into a seafood restaurant and asked a blonde waitress for a lobster tail.

She smiled sweetly and said, *“Once upon a time there was this handsome lobster…”*

A waitress at a diner gives a man his check.

As he gets up to leave, he puts down the amount for the check plus three cents for the tip. The waitress notices this and approaches him before he leaves.

Waitress: You know, I can tell a lot about a person by each of the coins that are left.
Man: Okay, what do these pennies tell you abo...

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A waitress, on her last day, decides to walk to each of her tables and lift up her skirt to proudly proclaim,

"Super Pussy!". She continues to do this over and over to the horror of her customers, until she reaches a table which sat an elderly man. She approaches him and lifts up her skirt and, again, proclaims, "Super Pussy!" and awaits his reaction. The old man looks at her, then her pussy, then back at h...

I was at a restaurant and a cute waitress was flirting with me. She gave her email and told me to hit her up sometime. I tried to email her the next day but the internet was down.

I couldn’t connect to the server

A man moves across country to a new city.

A man moves to a new city and starts a new job.


Lunchtime comes around and his coworker asks him to join him. They go to a restaurant down the road, sit down and he orders the Club Sandwich.

They get their food after a couple of minutes and talk about work.
The man is intrigued...

What message did the cyborg see upon his failed attempt to flirt with the waitress?

Error! Unable to establish a connection with server.

Hooters finally did the right thing and gave their waitresses smaller bottoms to match their already small tops.

To better reflect their corporate values, the board is voting to change their company's name at next month's meeting.

"Hoots and Chutes" is currently leading the vote.

Little Johnny and the waitress

Little Johnny: I'm not very hungry, any simple dish?


Waitress: Maybe the chicken strips for $6.99?


Little Johnny: Maybe it does but that won't help with my hunger.

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NSFW... A waitress and a chef at a Chinese restaurant go into the walk in fridge at work.

They are both overtaken with horniness and start to fool around.

The waitress says, "I want 69."

The chef says, "Why do you want Beef with Broccoli now?"

in the restaurant:

Waitress: Hello, my name is Pam, what can I get you?

Husband: Hello Pam, you are very beautiful.

Wife: Why don't you tell her about your erectile dysfunction?

Husband: OK. Pam, this is my erectile dysfunction, her name is Jane.

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Freudian slip

Two dudes were discussing psychology and Freudian slips.

The first dude said, “ I went shoe shopping the other day. The lady who was helping me had a huge rack. Her tiny blouse was revealing. When she asked me what I was looking for I told her a pair of boobs. I was embarrassed becaus...

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This dude dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter sees him show up and says “Holy shit, you’re the first person that’s ever come up here that’s exactly at 50% good and 50% evil. Not sure if I should send you to Heaven or Hell. This is crazy. Tell you what, since you’re exactly even I’m gonna let you choose”.

The dude says “Oh, wow...

The Revenge of a Truck Driver

A truck driver stopped at a roadside restaurant. The waitress brought him a hamburger, a cup of coffee and a piece of pie. As the truck driver was about to start eating , three men in leather jackets pulled up on motorcycles and came inside. One grabbed the man's hamburger, the second one drank his ...

This waitress asked me a really stupid question

She said, "how did you find your steak sir?"

I said, "well, I just looked next to the potatoes and there it was."

An old man shuffled into a dairy bar

He got slowly and painfully up onto a stool. He ordered a banana split. The waitress asked, “Crushed nuts?” “No, arthritis.”

Told the waitress my coffee tasted like mud.

"It should, it was fresh ground this morning. "

Say what you want to say about waitresses

But they bring a lot to the table.

A couple is dining in a restaurant when suddenly the waitress catches the man slowly sliding under the table

She sees that the woman is not bothered by this and assumes the worst...
Thinking how to approach the situation, she slowly gets to the table and quietly tells the woman:
"Ma'am, I think your husband just slid under the table for no apparent reason"
The woman turns her head and whispers...

I once dated a waitress. It didn't work out..

All she wanted was the tip

Smart waitress

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an a...

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I have a friend who always thinks that the waitresses we get want to have sex with him

I try and tell him that they want just the tip

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

# So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all th...

A waitress spots a dejected looking man staring at the menu...

Concerned, she approaches and asks if she can help.

Man: I'd like to order my late wife's usual meal but I can't remember it...

Waitress: I'm so sorry! Could you describe it to me? I'm sure we can figure out what her favorite was.

Man: No, it's fine. I'll just text her, she shou...

I was once in a diner and a man was choking. The waitress called out “Help, does anyone know CPR?!” “Yes!” I cried. “They’re three letters in the alphabet!” Everyone laughed

Well, except for one guy, I guess he didn’t get the joke.

Waitress: Do you have any questions about the menu?

Me: What font is this?

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I was at a deli when the waitress asked me “What would you like?”

I said, “I want to DEVOUR THE UNBORN!”

Waitress: What the fuck?

Me: Eggs. I want eggs.

An attractive waitress approaches a table of two men and asks them what they would like to order.

“How about a quickie?” asks the one man. She immediately throws his water in his face and storms off to call the manager.

His friend leans across the table and says, “Dude, it’s pronounced “quiche””.

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What's the difference between a waitress and a toilet?

A toilet is only expected to deal with one asshole at a time.

Where does a one leg waitress work?

Ihop...

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Guy's wife is pissed he's leaving his fortune to a hot 20-year-old waitress.

Wife says, "I can't believe you've been banging this woman! How could you?!"

He snaps back, "I haven't been!"

She says, "Then why the fuck are you leaving her all this money?!"

He replies, "Because then maybe I can!"

A guy is sitting a table in a restaurant when the waitress comes over.....

Hello sir, what would you like to order?

I'll have a quickie please sweetheart...

Okay sir i'll ask again, what would you like to order?

I really want a quickie, please, you know? Tart...

With that the waitress slaps the guy and storms off.

One of the other custome...

A Frenchman came to Texas

A Frenchman came to Texas to visit an old friend. The Texan picked him up in his gigantic Cadillac with longhorns mounted on the hood. Knowing that his friend must be hungry and thirsty after the long flight, he stopped at a bar and grill on the way. They walked in and took a seat at the bar and the...

A man walks into a restaurant

The waitress asks what the man wants for lunch.

He replies: “I’ll have the rabbit stew”

Waitress: “It’ll be right out”

21 minutes later…

Waitress: “Here’s your food”

Man: “sorry but I think there is a hare in my soup”

2 tourists are driving through Wales...

They stop for lunch in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerchwndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

As they sit down for lunch, one of the tourists asks the waitress:

"Can you settle an argument for us please? Can you pronounce the name of where we are, right now, very slowly?"

The waitress leans...

A waitress once threw sodium chloride on me.

That’s assault.

A janitor, a waitress, and a bartender walk into a bar.

Then they open for the day.

I was at a restaurant when I noticed my waitress had a black eye...

So I ordered really slowly, because she obviously doesn't listen well.

Customer: What would you recommend from the menu? Waitress: The beef tongue is very good today. Customer: Yeech! I'd never eat anything that came from an animal's mouth.

Waitress: Okay. How about some eggs?

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How can you tell which one is a blonde waitress?

She's the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering where she put her pencil.

Source: Heard it ages ago

No one should ever tip their waiter/waitress

Their job is hard enough without their customers pushing them over.

Why does the ugly waitress work for tips?

Because nobody wants to stick the whole thing in

Driver

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels' bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat...

What do you order from a waitress you really like?

One hot tea to go.

I was at a diner when the waitress asked me, “Do you want to hear today’s special?”

I said, “Yes, please.”

Waitress: Sure. Today is special.

Two mathematicians and blonde waitress.

Two mathematicians were in a restaurant. One of them was a hard-core misogynist and claimed that women were never any good at maths, especially the blonde ones. His friend claimed that there was no difference and that women were just as capable as men. When the misogynist went for a cigarette, the o...

Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?

As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?"

A man goes to a restaurant and asks waitress "Can I know about the menu please"

The waitress ignores him.
The man politely asks again, "Can you let me know about the menu please"
The waitress ignores him again.
The man being a gentleman he was, asks again, "I want to know the menu please!"
The waitress gets irritated and responds, "It's none of your business to know...

I think my waitress is hungry

She keeps asking how my food is.

A guy in a restaurant stops a pretty blonde waitress as she passes by his table...

"Excuse me, Miss. Can I ask you a question about the menu, please?"

She throws a drink in his face. "The men I please are none of your damn business!"

I was in a restaurant last night, when all of sudden, a guy wearing white clothes and a tall white hat burst out of the kitchen. He was ranting, dribbling and touching diners as he passed by. "What the hell was that?!?" I asked the waitress.

She replied, "Oh, the chef's special."

A waitress demanded my sweater tonight after my credit was declined several times

She kept asking for my card again.

Guy driving cross country

Stops in a small town for lunch.
Walks in a tiny restaurant, waitress is busy in the back, so he looks at the chalk board with daily specials.

It says: Sandwich 5 $
Handy 10$

A little confused, he calls the waitress over and asks:
Are you the one doing the hand...

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A sleepwalker walks into a bar

A guy runs into a bar and just starts jogging in circles around the interior with his eyes shut. "Holy crap! That's Bob, and I think he's sleep walking. Heck, he's sleep running!" the waitress exclaims to the bartender. "He sure is fast asleep," the bartender comments.

A waitress, a butcher, and a policeman walk into a bar.

The policeman arrests everyone there for breaking the quarantine order.

Waitress asked man if he had any questions about the menu....

"Yeah, what font is the hamburger special?"

Waitress wouldn’t give me a quickie!

I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me! The old lady next to me said, “it’s pronounced ‘Quiche’, my Dear.”

A trucker walks into a truck stop to get dinner one night.

Well, as he's sitting there, enjoying his meal, three biker dudes roar up and storm inside.

The first dude spits in the trucker's milk. The second one grabs the trucker's dinner and stuffs it in his face. And the third one yells "You wanna piece of this? Huh? HUH?" and shadowboxes,

S...

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Italian brothers garage

These two Italian brothers own a garage. They hire this Korean guy as a mechanic.
One morning the brothers go to open the garage and they find the Korean guy dead in the alley. They call the police.

Cop: What was his full name?

Tony: I don't know. We called him Park.

Cop: Jus...

Was at a “Capital One Cafe” and asked the waitress for her phone number.

Oh NOW they start guarding personal data.

A gorilla walks into a restaurant.

He sits down at a booth and a waitress comes over to take his order. He orders an ice cream sundae. The waitress goes back into the kitchen, gets him an ice cream sundae and takes it to his table. The gorilla eats the sundae and then motions to the waitress for the bill. The waitress comes over, giv...

A man walks into a diner one day and orders a bowl of chili but the waitress says she gave the last of it to a guy sitting nearby who is just staring at it.

After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, "Are you going to eat that?"

The second man replies, "No, you can have it if you want."

So the first man takes the bowl and starts eating.

About halfway through the bowl, he's chewing when he feels a crunch. He l...

Why did the waitress say when Rick Astley asked to fast track his order of apple pie and vanilla ice cream?

I"m never gonna run around and dessert you.

Why are waitresses so promiscuous?

Because they're either getting a big tip or feeling shafted

My waitress today had a black eye..

So I made sure to speak slowly and repeat myself since apparently she doesn’t listen

Why was the cow broke, despite being a full time waitress?

Nobody tipped her.

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Heard it?

A horse, Dave and his boss, the Pope, a cab driver, a drunk and his wife, a ventriloquist and a Welshman, two kids and their mother, three captives, a teacher and little Johnny, and a preacher and little Sally walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

Th...

"Donner, party of 3!" yelled the waitress.

"Wow took you long enough! We're down to 2 now!"

A mathematician walks into a diner. He asks the waitress for pie.

She says: " 3.14159 26535 "

The T-Rex waiters and waitresses at the restaurant seemed really stressed out

I guess they must have been short-handed

Why do waitresses love serving men in fedoras?

If you're nice to them, their tipping intensifies.

Stopped in a diner for lunch and on the menu, it said, "Golden Soup", so I asked the waitress why it was called that...

She replied, "Because there are 24 carrots in it."

My dad is 100% Swedish and this was his favorite joke to tell waitresses when we went out to eat.

Waitress: Are you all finished?

Dad: No, I'm not Finnish, I'm Swedish.

A waitress asked me what kind of bacon I'd like..

I said "I'm going to need a coffee before I make any rash decisions"

Did you hear about the poor waitress who lost her leg in a freak accident?

Now she's working at IHOP.

A guy goes into a luncheonette and orders a hamburger and a hot dog. A few minutes later, the waitress puts a plate in front of him with an open bun on it, pulls a hamburger out of her armpit, and tosses it on the bun.

The guy says, “What the hell was that all about?”
She says, “I was just keeping it warm for you.”
He says, “Cancel my hot dog.”

My part-time waitress girlfriend wants to buy nothing but designer outfits...

.. I told her to "act her wage".

What’s your mom and a waitress got in common.

They both like a huge tip from me

Waitress: "Wow, you eat really fast!" Me: "Yeah, I come from a big family."

Waitress: "Oh yeah? How many siblings do you have?"

Me: "None. My parents are just super fat."

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