Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that has ever served me.

With just the tip.

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress,...

.. taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across ...

"Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?"

Waitress: *slaps me right across the face*

"The men I please are none of your damn business!"

A waitress, a butcher, and a policeman walk into a bar.

The policeman arrests everyone there for breaking the quarantine order.

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A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years ...

Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?

As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?"

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How can you tell which one is a blonde waitress?

She's the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering where she put her pencil.

Source: Heard it ages ago

Where does a waitress with only one leg work?

IHOP.

What did the waitress say to the table of old jewish ladies ?

Is anything OK ?

Customer: What would you recommend from the menu? Waitress: The beef tongue is very good today. Customer: Yeech! I'd never eat anything that came from an animal's mouth.

Waitress: Okay. How about some eggs?

So I was at the bar last night and a waitress screamed, "Does anyone know CPR?"

I said, "hell, I know the entire alphabet!"

Everyone laughed.... well, everyone except one guy.

I once dated a waitress. It didn't work out..

All she wanted was the tip

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A guy walks into a bar and meets a blonde waitress

He silently follows her he takes a seat at a table and looks at the waitress.

"What would you like to drink?" She says while moving her hands and arms.

Suddenly the man starts grabbing her tits and she reacts with horror and slaps him in the face.

"What the fuck is wrong with yo...

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Guy's wife is pissed he's leaving his fortune to a hot 20-year-old waitress.

Wife says, "I can't believe you've been banging this woman! How could you?!"

He snaps back, "I haven't been!"

She says, "Then why the fuck are you leaving her all this money?!"

He replies, "Because then maybe I can!"

Why are waitresses so promiscuous?

Because they're either getting a big tip or feeling shafted

What do you order from a waitress you really like?

One hot tea to go.

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What's the difference between a waitress and a toilet?

A toilet is only expected to deal with one asshole at a time.

Waitress asked man if he had any questions about the menu....

"Yeah, what font is the hamburger special?"

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't ...

A man walked into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him

As he sat down, the waitress came over and asked for their orders. The man said, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke." Then he turned to the ostrich and asked, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," said the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returned with the order saying, "That will ...

A waitress once threw sodium chloride on me.

That’s assault.

Waitress: "Wow, you eat really fast!" Me: "Yeah, I come from a big family."

Waitress: "Oh yeah? How many siblings do you have?"

Me: "None. My parents are just super fat."

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A waitress, on her last day, decides to walk to each of her tables and lift up her skirt to proudly proclaim,

"Super Pussy!". She continues to do this over and over to the horror of her customers, until she reaches a table which sat an elderly man. She approaches him and lifts up her skirt and, again, proclaims, "Super Pussy!" and awaits his reaction. The old man looks at her, then her pussy, then back at h...

The T-Rex waiters and waitresses at the restaurant seemed really stressed out

I guess they must have been short-handed

A man walks into a diner one day and orders a bowl of chili but the waitress says she gave the last of it to a guy sitting nearby who is just staring at it.

After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, "Are you going to eat that?"

The second man replies, "No, you can have it if you want."

So the first man takes the bowl and starts eating.

About halfway through the bowl, he's chewing when he feels a crunch. He l...

I was at a diner when the waitress asked me, “Do you want to hear today’s special?”

I said, “Yes, please.”

Waitress: Sure. Today is special.

A mathematician walks into a diner. He asks the waitress for pie.

She says: " 3.14159 26535 "

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A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating…

She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"

One of the Bulgarian men says, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry."

The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??"
<...

Two English tourists were driving through Wales.At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch they asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument.Can you pronounce where we are,very,very,slowly?"

The girl leaned over and said:

“Burrr… gurrr… King.”

What do you get when you cross a chef and a waitress?

A cold meal

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich...

So a man walks into a bar with an ostrich, and walks up to the counter. “I’ll have a dry martini.” He says. The ostrich said “I’ll have the same.”
They drank their drinks and when it came time to pay, the man puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out exact cash and change for the waitress. She ...

A tourist visiting Ireland went out for dinner when it came to deserts he was surprised to see “Brexit” listed on the menu so he asked a waitress what it was

She replied oh that’s an “Eton Mess”

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I was at a deli when the waitress asked me “What would you like?”

I said, “I want to DEVOUR THE UNBORN!”

Waitress: What the fuck?

Me: Eggs. I want eggs.

Waitress wouldn’t give me a quickie!

I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me! The old lady next to me said, “it’s pronounced ‘Quiche’, my Dear.”

A guy goes into a luncheonette and orders a hamburger and a hot dog. A few minutes later, the waitress puts a plate in front of him with an open bun on it, pulls a hamburger out of her armpit, and tosses it on the bun.

The guy says, “What the hell was that all about?”
She says, “I was just keeping it warm for you.”
He says, “Cancel my hot dog.”

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A professor, a janitor, and the school's principal are leaving for the day when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After just a few minutes, he ca...

Was at a “Capital One Cafe” and asked the waitress for her phone number.

Oh NOW they start guarding personal data.

A couple is dining in a restaurant when suddenly the waitress catches the man slowly sliding under the table

She sees that the woman is not bothered by this and assumes the worst...
Thinking how to approach the situation, she slowly gets to the table and quietly tells the woman:
"Ma'am, I think your husband just slid under the table for no apparent reason"
The woman turns her head and whispers...

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A guy walks into a bar...

... and is almost inclined to leave again, since the place appears to be way beyond his budget. The in design is spot on and as fancy as can be, in the corner there is a little person playing the piano perfectly and every liquor, beer or other beverage you could name are all on offer. Also there are...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Buttocks

Dad takes his 4 and 6 year old for lunch.
Waitress asks the 6 year old, "what will ya' have, sugah?"
6 year old replies, "I'll have a god damn hamburger".

Just like that the kid is smacked by his daddy almost knocking him off his seat.

Waitress <gasping> now asks the 4 ...

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A little Texas joke

A young man in Oklahoma turns 21. Excited, he tells his father, “I want to finally go to Texas.”

His father warns, “Scooter, you’re a full-grown man, now. I can’t stop you from going to Texas. But I have to warn you… **EVERYTHING IS BIG IN TEXAS!** You can’t be prepared for how absolutely hug...

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A woman decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says,

“Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated…

A waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over ...

A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids.



The kids start goofing around while she's talking to the waitress. The mom gets impatient and yells, "Eddy! Stop that! Or else!" All 15 boys suddenly sit down, obedient and quiet.

The waitress asks, **"Did you really name all 15 of your boys Eddy?"**

"Yup," says the woman. "Mak...

What do a waitress and a rabbi have in common?

They both take tips.

A woman orders a very specific tea at a local cafe however the waitress mistakenly brings her a different one...

When the woman takes a sip of it, she notices this and tells the waitress that this is flavor is not her cup of tea.

I think my waitress is hungry

She keeps asking how my food is.

Two mathematicians were having lunch at a diner and got into a rousing discussion about the state of mathematics education in the US.

The first mathematician insisted that the general American populace was woefully inadequate when it came to understanding even basic math, while the second felt the average person knew more than they were given credit. They made a friendly wager and agreed that the next time their waitress came by, ...

What did the diner waitress say to Attila?

"More coffee, Hun?"

A waitress demanded my sweater tonight after my credit was declined several times

She kept asking for my card again.

What’s your mom and a waitress got in common.

They both like a huge tip from me

A robot tried to start a conversation with an attractive waitress

## But he wasn't so successful in doing so. The error message read:

Error: failed to establish connection with server.

Smart waitress

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an a...

Just before we paid the check at a restaurant, a cute waitress saw some leftovers and asked my dad “you wanna box?”

“Nah, I would rather wrestle”

The waitress brought me the wrong order at Texas Road House, and I told her it was a Miss Steak.

She shook her head, sighed, and told me, "Steak jokes are a rare medium well done."

An attractive waitress approaches a table of two men and asks them what they would like to order.

“How about a quickie?” asks the one man. She immediately throws his water in his face and storms off to call the manager.

His friend leans across the table and says, “Dude, it’s pronounced “quiche””.

Two mathematicians and blonde waitress.

Two mathematicians were in a restaurant. One of them was a hard-core misogynist and claimed that women were never any good at maths, especially the blonde ones. His friend claimed that there was no difference and that women were just as capable as men. When the misogynist went for a cigarette, the o...

I was at a restaurant when I noticed my waitress had a black eye...

So I ordered really slowly, because she obviously doesn't listen well.

Waitress: Sorry about your wait

**Me**: Are you calling me fat?!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself cautiously, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

I waved the waitress over to our table.

I said, "Could you get the bill for us?"

She said, "Absolutely."

I said, "Thanks. We're kind of broke."

I was in a restaurant last night, when all of sudden, a guy wearing white clothes and a tall white hat burst out of the kitchen. He was ranting, dribbling and touching diners as he passed by. "What the hell was that?!?" I asked the waitress.

She replied, "Oh, the chef's special."

"Donner, party of 3!" yelled the waitress.

"Wow took you long enough! We're down to 2 now!"

The son wanna date a neighbour

\- Dad, can I date Lisa next door?

\- No, she is your sister.

\- How about Anna in block 59?

\- No, she is your little sister.

\- Ok, this is weird. How about Karen the waitress? Can I date her or is she my sister too?

\- No, she is your brother.

The upset s...

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the...

A guy in a restaurant stops a pretty blonde waitress as she passes by his table...

"Excuse me, Miss. Can I ask you a question about the menu, please?"

She throws a drink in his face. "The men I please are none of your damn business!"

How do lepers treat hookers like waitresses?

They always leave a tip

A man goes into a diner.

He sits down at the counter and the waitress comes up to hand him a menu and asks if he would like anything to drink. He refuses and goes to look at the menu. At the other end of the counter is a man with a bowl of chili in frint of him, the man is resting his head on his hands and doesnt look too g...

Why was the cow broke, despite being a full time waitress?

Nobody tipped her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Asian men walked into a restaurant and immediately started masturbating...

The waitress was shocked and asked them why they were doing this. To this, one of the guy's replied, "It's written outside, 'First come, first serve'. "

Stopped in a diner for lunch and on the menu, it said, "Golden Soup", so I asked the waitress why it was called that...

She replied, "Because there are 24 carrots in it."

My Hooters waitress was pregnant so I called the manager and said

"Can we get another waitress please? This one has an heir in it."

There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a G...

A man at a restaurant ordered a soup

The waitress brings it out and the man just sat there, not even having the soup he ordered. The waitress notices him not eating and a few minutes later she approaches him and asked "Is everything alright with the food?" And he just replied "try it" and she refused saying "sir it's against company po...

My waitress today had a black eye..

So I made sure to speak slowly and repeat myself since apparently she doesn’t listen

Waitress walks over to the table

Waitress - “You guys all finished?”

Me - Yes

Waitress - You wanna box for your leftovers?

Me - No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.

My part-time waitress girlfriend wants to buy nothing but designer outfits...

.. I told her to "act her wage".

Waitress: So how did your food come out?

Me: It came out well.

Waitress: Perfect, enjoy your meal!

Me: I ordered medium rare.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The waitress said “are you ready to order?”

“My wife is in the ladies “ I said

“Do you know what she’s having?”

“Well she’s been gone 10 minutes so probably a shit”

A janitor, a waitress, and a bartender walk into a bar.

Then they open for the day.

Today a waitress got her finger stuck in the dishwasher

We had to fire both of them.

A man walks into a bar

Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food. He looks up at the menu above the bar it says:
Hot dog – $2
Cheeseburger – $5
Hand job – $10

He asks the waitress, “Miss are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” She winks and replies, “w...

I always tip pregnant waitresses more.

It's cheaper than child support.

I got angry when my waitress served me eggs with no bread

I'm very lacktoast intolerant.

Professional taster

In a winery in Napa Valley, California, a new wine tester has just died. The president of the company worriedly published the newspaper, looking for a replacement. A mysterious drunk, ragged clothes came to apply for a job. The employer wanted to kick him drunk and go away but still wanted to test ...

Did you hear about the poor waitress who lost her leg in a freak accident?

Now she's working at IHOP.

An ostrich, a loin, and a giraffe...

An ostrich, lion, and giraffe decide to visit the local drinkery after a long day at work.

"I've got the first round!" says the Lion, and they all proceed to enjoy their beverages and talk about their day.

Soon enough their first round of drinks are empty. "Waitress!!" exclaims the ost...

The waitress insisted that I tip her...

So it's not my fault she ended up in the hospital!

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What does a waitress say after having had sex with a guy with a micro penis?

Thanks for the tip!

What did the Australian chess player say to the waitress?

"Check mate"

What did the blonde customer say after reading the buxom waitress's name tag?

A: "What did you name the other one?"

Why do waitresses love serving men in fedoras?

If you're nice to them, their tipping intensifies.

A group of elders meet in a restaurant every 10 years for a reunion.

When they're 60 Years old they say, let's go to "The Southern Merchant", because the food there is really good.

When they're 70 Years old they say, let's go to "The Southern Merchant", because the waitress is cute.

When they're 80 years old they say, let's go to "The Southern Merchant"...

I told the waitress my coffee tasted like mud...

"It should. It was fresh ground this morning"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly couple was having dinner at the diner where they had their first date.

The husband said, "it's so nice to be back here after all these years."

"Yes," agreed the wife, "do you remember our first date here 50 years ago?"

"How could I forget?" Answered the husband, "you took me behind that building there across the street and let me put you up against the fe...

My dad is 100% Swedish and this was his favorite joke to tell waitresses when we went out to eat.

Waitress: Are you all finished?

Dad: No, I'm not Finnish, I'm Swedish.

A man walks into a diner and orders a hamburger

The waitress pulls out a hamburger patty from the freezer and puts it under her armpit.

The man asks "what the hell are you doing?". She responds, "I am defrosting it"

The guy sitting next to him says "I'LL TAKE THE HOT DOG!"

Four Romans and one English guy are on a bar. What's the name of the waitress?

Ivone

Four communists go to a hotel.

When they get to the hotel, one of the comrades gets very tired and tries to get some sleep. The other three annoy him all night and keep him from sleeping. The other three began telling jokes about the Soviets, so he creates a plan.

The fourth communist goes to the kitchen and asks for a cup...

Vladimir Putin and Dmitri Medvedev go into a restaurant...

They sit and read the menu, which is meat entres with sides offered, such as seasonal veggies, steamed cauliflower, home fries, etc. A waitress approaches.

"Can I take your order?"

Putin: "I will order the steak."

"And what about the vegetable?"

Putin: "The vegetable will...

I went to the cannibal restaurant the other night and the waitress gave me the cold shoulder.

It came with rice and a salad.

I met a one-legged waitress at IHOP...

Her name was Ilene.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If waitresses with big boobs work at Hooters, then where do 1 legged waitresses work?

IHOP



Gives tipping your waitress new meaning

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do pornstars enjoy working as waitresses?

Because they always get the tip

What's the difference between a waitress at a strip club and a stripper?

About 2 weeks.

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