A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress,...

.. taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across ...

Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that has ever served me.

With just the tip.

"Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?"

Waitress: (slaps me across the face) The men I please are none of your damn business

So I was at the bar last night and a waitress screamed, "Does anyone know CPR?"

I said, "hell, I know the entire alphabet!"

Everyone laughed.... well, everyone except one guy.

Waitress asked man if he had any questions about the menu....

"Yeah, what font is the hamburger special?"

Customer: What would you recommend from the menu? Waitress: The beef tongue is very good today. Customer: Yeech! I'd never eat anything that came from an animal's mouth.

Waitress: Okay. How about some eggs?

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What's the difference between a waitress and a toilet?

A toilet is only expected to deal with one asshole at a time.

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't ...

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A waitress, on her last day, decides to walk to each of her tables and lift up her skirt to proudly proclaim,

"Super Pussy!". She continues to do this over and over to the horror of her customers, until she reaches a table which sat an elderly man. She approaches him and lifts up her skirt and, again, proclaims, "Super Pussy!" and awaits his reaction. The old man looks at her, then her pussy, then back at h...

Waitress: "Wow, you eat really fast!" Me: "Yeah, I come from a big family."

Waitress: "Oh yeah? How many siblings do you have?"

Me: "None. My parents are just super fat."

Was at a “Capital One Cafe” and asked the waitress for her phone number.

Oh NOW they start guarding personal data.

A waitress once threw sodium chloride on me.

That’s assault.

What do you get when you cross a chef and a waitress?

A cold meal

A tourist visiting Ireland went out for dinner when it came to deserts he was surprised to see “Brexit” listed on the menu so he asked a waitress what it was

She replied oh that’s an “Eton Mess”

The T-Rex waiters and waitresses at the restaurant seemed really stressed out

I guess they must have been short-handed

I was at a diner when the waitress asked me, “Do you want to hear today’s special?”

I said, “Yes, please.”

Waitress: Sure. Today is special.

A guy walks into a bar with an Ostrich

A man walks Into a bar with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a beer,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That wi...

A man walks into a diner one day and orders a bowl of chili but the waitress says she gave the last of it to a guy sitting nearby who is just staring at it.

After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, "Are you going to eat that?"

The second man replies, "No, you can have it if you want."

So the first man takes the bowl and starts eating.

About halfway through the bowl, he's chewing when he feels a crunch. He l...

Waitress wouldn’t give me a quickie!

I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me! The old lady next to me said, “it’s pronounced ‘Quiche’, my Dear.”

A guy goes into a luncheonette and orders a hamburger and a hot dog. A few minutes later, the waitress puts a plate in front of him with an open bun on it, pulls a hamburger out of her armpit, and tosses it on the bun.

The guy says, “What the hell was that all about?”
She says, “I was just keeping it warm for you.”
He says, “Cancel my hot dog.”

Two English tourists were driving through Wales.At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch they asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument.Can you pronounce where we are,very,very,slowly?"

The girl leaned over and said:

“Burrr… gurrr… King.”

A woman orders a very specific tea at a local cafe however the waitress mistakenly brings her a different one...

When the woman takes a sip of it, she notices this and tells the waitress that this is flavor is not her cup of tea.

What do a waitress and a rabbi have in common?

They both take tips.

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I was at a deli when the waitress asked me “What would you like?”

I said, “I want to DEVOUR THE UNBORN!”

Waitress: What the fuck?

Me: Eggs. I want eggs.

A couple is dining in a restaurant when suddenly the waitress catches the man slowly sliding under the table

She sees that the woman is not bothered by this and assumes the worst...
Thinking how to approach the situation, she slowly gets to the table and quietly tells the woman:
"Ma'am, I think your husband just slid under the table for no apparent reason"
The woman turns her head and whispers...

I think my waitress is hungry

She keeps asking how my food is.

A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were pretty and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later,...

A robot tried to start a conversation with an attractive waitress

## But he wasn't so successful in doing so. The error message read:

Error: failed to establish connection with server.

Just before we paid the check at a restaurant, a cute waitress saw some leftovers and asked my dad “you wanna box?”

“Nah, I would rather wrestle”

I went to a restaurant the other day and my waitress had two black eyes...

So I ordered real slow, because she obviously has a hard time listening..

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A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating…

She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"

One of the Bulgarian men says, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry."

The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??"
<...

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the...

What’s your mom and a waitress got in common.

They both like a huge tip from me

Two mathematicians and blonde waitress.

Two mathematicians were in a restaurant. One of them was a hard-core misogynist and claimed that women were never any good at maths, especially the blonde ones. His friend claimed that there was no difference and that women were just as capable as men. When the misogynist went for a cigarette, the o...

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself cautiously, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

A waitress demanded my sweater tonight after my credit was declined several times

She kept asking for my card again.

What did the diner waitress say to Attila?

"More coffee, Hun?"

How do lepers treat hookers like waitresses?

They always leave a tip

Where does a waitress with one leg work?

IHop

Waitress: Sorry about your wait

**Me**: Are you calling me fat?!

The waitress brought me the wrong order at Texas Road House, and I told her it was a Miss Steak.

She shook her head, sighed, and told me, "Steak jokes are a rare medium well done."

Smart waitress

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an a...

An attractive waitress approaches a table of two men and asks them what they would like to order.

“How about a quickie?” asks the one man. She immediately throws his water in his face and storms off to call the manager.

His friend leans across the table and says, “Dude, it’s pronounced “quiche””.

My Hooters waitress was pregnant so I called the manager and said

"Can we get another waitress please? This one has an heir in it."

Bar owner confronts the bartender.

Owner: Have you been sleeping with the waitress?

Bartender: No!

Owner: Good, then YOU fire her.

"Donner, party of 3!" yelled the waitress.

"Wow took you long enough! We're down to 2 now!"

Stopped in a diner for lunch and on the menu, it said, "Golden Soup", so I asked the waitress why it was called that...

She replied, "Because there are 24 carrots in it."

A blind man walks into a bar

Then into a chair, then a table, a waitress...

I dated a waitress once. I tried putting everything into her...

But she only ever wanted the tip.

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday

They arrive at the club and the doorman says,

“Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated…

A waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings o...

I was at a restaurant when I noticed my waitress had a black eye...

So I ordered really slowly, because she obviously doesn't listen well.

I was in a restaurant last night, when all of sudden, a guy wearing white clothes and a tall white hat burst out of the kitchen. He was ranting, dribbling and touching diners as he passed by. "What the hell was that?!?" I asked the waitress.

She replied, "Oh, the chef's special."

Why was the cow broke, despite being a full time waitress?

Nobody tipped her.

I waved the waitress over to our table.

I said, "Could you get the bill for us?"

She said, "Absolutely."

I said, "Thanks. We're kind of broke."

A guy in a restaurant stops a pretty blonde waitress as she passes by his table...

"Excuse me, Miss. Can I ask you a question about the menu, please?"

She throws a drink in his face. "The men I please are none of your damn business!"

My waitress today had a black eye..

So I made sure to speak slowly and repeat myself since apparently she doesn’t listen

Waitress: So how did your food come out?

Me: It came out well.

Waitress: Perfect, enjoy your meal!

Me: I ordered medium rare.

A janitor, a waitress, and a bartender walk into a bar.

Then they open for the day.

Waitress walks over to the table

Waitress - “You guys all finished?”

Me - Yes

Waitress - You wanna box for your leftovers?

Me - No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.

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The waitress said “are you ready to order?”

“My wife is in the ladies “ I said

“Do you know what she’s having?”

“Well she’s been gone 10 minutes so probably a shit”

The waitress insisted that I tip her...

So it's not my fault she ended up in the hospital!

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A bug pimp is a lot like Adolf Hitler

One brings holocausts and the other ho locusts.

Thanks I'll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitresses.

My part-time waitress girlfriend wants to buy nothing but designer outfits...

.. I told her to "act her wage".

A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids.

The kids start goofing around while she's talking to the waitress. The mom gets impatient and yells, "Eddy! Stop that! Or else!" All 15 boys suddenly sit down, obedient and quiet.

The waitress asks, **"Did you really name all 15 of your boys Eddy?"**

"Yup," says the woman. "Makes it ea...

An old couple enters a cafe in normandy, overlooking the beach.

The couple are clearly tourists, and when the couple sits down at a table the waitress noticed that the old man is missing a part of his leg. Curious, the waitress approaches them and decides to ask why.

After asking the question the old woman answers, stating that her husband fought in the w...

Today a waitress got her finger stuck in the dishwasher

We had to fire both of them.

I always tip pregnant waitresses more.

It's cheaper than child support.

I got angry when my waitress served me eggs with no bread

I'm very lacktoast intolerant.

Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?

As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?

I was at an Italian restaurant last Friday...

Me: "I'll just have the Paggione".
Waitress: "That says 'page one', sir."

A man walks into a bar and a busty blonde waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food.

The man looks up at the menu above the bar and sees that it says, "Hot dog $2, Cheese burger $5, Hand job $10".

He asks the waitress, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"

She winks and replies, "Why yes I am".

The man says, "Well in that case, wash your hands. I want a che...

What did the blonde customer say after reading the buxom waitress's name tag?

A: "What did you name the other one?"

Four Romans and one English guy are on a bar. What's the name of the waitress?

Ivone

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[LONG]So, a pianist walks into his local jazz bar...

As he's been down on his luck and is looking for work. He asks one of the waitresses there to speak to the manager, who he approaches and asks,

"Are you the dumb fucker that runs this shit hole of a bar?"

The manager, taken very much aback, responds, "Excuse me? I am the manager, yes...

Did you hear about the poor waitress who lost her leg in a freak accident?

Now she's working at IHOP.

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What does a waitress say after having had sex with a guy with a micro penis?

Thanks for the tip!

Trump goes to a cafe...

...and reads the menu. An attractive waitress comes over and Trump says “Can I have a quickie?”

The waitress looks at him in horror, so he points at what he wants on the menu. The waitress looks at the menu and says “actually sir, it’s pronounced ‘quiche’”.

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Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks.

Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blended Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.<...

I dont wanna do what I did in Texas.....

Man rides up to a saloon on a beautifullly patterned Palomino stallion, ties the horse to the rail, walks inside, orders lunch and a beer. After his meal is done he gets up, pays the waitress and walks out the doors...to find his horse missing.

He sighs mournfully, removes the safety loops on...

Why do waitresses love serving men in fedoras?

If you're nice to them, their tipping intensifies.

I was at a restaurant, and spilled soup on my jeans.

I called for there server: "Waitress, there's soup in my fly"

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Two newly wed couples end up at the same place for their Honeymoon

The two grooms are are at the bar talking about finally making love to their new wives. One of them suggests a competition to see who gets the most sex and they both agree. They needed a code so their wives wouldn't know they were having a competition, so it was suggested that over breakfast they wo...

I told the waitress my coffee tasted like mud...

"It should. It was fresh ground this morning"

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A Frenchman, a Mexican and an Irishman go to a bar

And each orders a beer.

The Frenchman looks into his beer and sees a fly, calls for the waitress, and demands a replacement.

The Mexican sees a fly in his, plucks it out, and drains the beer.

The Irishman grabs the fly by its wings and violently shakes it over his mug screaming...

What did the Australian chess player say to the waitress?

"Check mate"

My dad is 100% Swedish and this was his favorite joke to tell waitresses when we went out to eat.

Waitress: Are you all finished?

Dad: No, I'm not Finnish, I'm Swedish.

how time flys

A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald’s next to Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there, and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives ...

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If waitresses with big boobs work at Hooters, then where do 1 legged waitresses work?

IHOP



Gives tipping your waitress new meaning

Two well dressed lawyers, Milind Kale and Ram Jethmalani went to an expensive restaurant...

They ordered 2 coffees
and then took out sandwiches from their briefcases to eat...

Waitress: Sorry Sir !!! But you can't eat your OWN food here... Its against the rules ...

The lawyers quietly looked at each other and
EXCHANGED their sandwiches & continued their meals!
<...

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Girlfriend asks me " Soooo, what sounds good to you?"

Me: A blowjob

Gf:

Me:

Gf:

Waitress: I'll give you two a couple more minutes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do pornstars enjoy working as waitresses?

Because they always get the tip

A boy was driving home to Minnesota from his first semester of college...

...in California for winter break. He had the car packed and he left after his last final. He wanted to make good time so he drove all night, but as the sun came up his stomach started to rumble...it was time for breakfast!

He pulled into a mom and pop diner and it looked exactly like you'd e...

I went to the cannibal restaurant the other night and the waitress gave me the cold shoulder.

It came with rice and a salad.

I met a one-legged waitress at IHOP...

Her name was Ilene.

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A guy drives up to a diner in a Tesla...

Dressed to the 9s, and clearly not hurting for money. He gets out of the car and is accompanied by an ostrich and a cat. The unlikely trio go into the diner and find a place to sit. When the waitress comes to take their order, the man orders the meatloaf, the ostrich also orders the meatloaf, and th...

I walked into a restaurant one day and the waitress was a cow...

I tipped her.

A couple was at a restaurant when waitress came to them, the couple let her know that they were vegan and asked what she would recommend.

a taxi

Waitress, bring me a donut...

...and step on it.

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When can you tell your waitress is having a bad day?

When she has a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

Why is it annoying dating a waitress?

They just want the tip.

What's the difference between a waitress at a strip club and a stripper?

About 2 weeks.

Jean-Paul Sartre goes into a coffee shop

He says to the waitress “May I get a coffee with no cream?” The waitress says “ I’m sorry, Mr. Sartre, we’re all out of cream. Would you like one with no milk?”

Just as ordered

"Look at this mess!" roared an angry customer at a local cafe, pointing to his squashed doughnut.


"It's just as you ordered it, sir," the waitress replied meekly.


"What do you mean?" barked the customer.


"You told me to bring you coffee and a doughnut and...

Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, ...

... arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician
claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that
it was surprisingly high.


"I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math que...

Two mathematicians are in a bar.

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician wanders off to the bathroom, so the second guy calls over their waitress...

What did the waitress say to the man who wouldn't stop staring at her while she refilled his glass?

Take a pitcher, it'll last longer!

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An ion walks into a bar...

A waitress comes over and the ion orders a whiskey. Time passes and people come and go. The ion is now on his fifth drink and is becoming increasingly erratic. The waitress brings over another round, but this time the ion tries to slap her on the ass as she leaves.

That's it for you, hon,...

A man marries a Chinese restaurant waitress...

On their wedding night, she says to him -

Bride: "Dear husband, I want to give you anything you want! Just name it!"

Groom: "Ooh, that's tough to chose. OK, I really want a sixty nine."

Bride (confused): "You want beef broccoli *now*?"

A Man Meets a Waitress at a Chinese Restaurant

After striking up a conversation, he finds out she is an active redditor on /r/jokes. Due to her kind personality and mastery of humor, he asks her out and they soon fall in love. When she eventually meets his family, they are truly taken with her. The family loves her jokes, and she also laughs hea...

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