A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress,...

.. taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across ...

“Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?”

Waitress: [slaps me a good one across the face] ...“The men I please are none of your damn business!”

Screaming Waitress

I was drinking at a local bar last night when a waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?” I shouted, “Hell, I know the whole alphabet.” Everyone laughed… Well everyone except this one guy.

What do you get when you cross a chef and a waitress?

A cold meal

I think my waitress is hungry

She keeps asking how my food is.

Two mathematicians are in a bar.

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician wanders off to the bathroom, so the second guy calls over their waitress...

A waitress once threw sodium chloride on me.

That’s assault.

I went to a Lord of the Rings themed restaurant. The food was horribly authentic and the waitress was as uglier than an Orc, but I have to give her credit. There was a table of 12 and it only took her ...

...one bring to gruel them all.

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Girlfriend asks me " Soooo, what sounds good to you?"

Me: A blowjob

Gf:

Me:

Gf:

Waitress: I'll give you two a couple more minutes.

A robot tried to start a conversation with an attractive waitress

## But he wasn't so successful in doing so. The error message read:

Error: failed to establish connection with server.

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A Southern waitress asks the couple at her table...

Making small talk, the southern waitress asks the couple at her table “Where y’all from?” The lady looks at her and replies “We come from a place where we know better than to send a sentence with a preposition.”

The waitress thinks about that for a second. “Okay, where y’all from, bitch?”.

Just as ordered

"Look at this mess!" roared an angry customer at a local cafe, pointing to his squashed doughnut.


"It's just as you ordered it, sir," the waitress replied meekly.


"What do you mean?" barked the customer.


"You told me to bring you coffee and a doughnut and...

I was at a diner when the waitress asked me, “Do you want to hear today’s special?”

I said, “Yes, please.”

Waitress: Sure. Today is special.

Just before we paid the check at a restaurant, a cute waitress saw some leftovers and asked my dad “you wanna box?”

“Nah, I would rather wrestle”

Two English tourists were driving through Wales.At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch they asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument.Can you pronounce where we are,very,very,slowly?"

The girl leaned over and said:

“Burrr… gurrr… King.”

A woman orders a very specific tea at a local cafe however the waitress mistakenly brings her a different one...

When the woman takes a sip of it, she notices this and tells the waitress that this is flavor is not her cup of tea.

Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, ...

... arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician
claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that
it was surprisingly high.


"I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math que...

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself cautiously, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

Two mathematicians and blonde waitress.

Two mathematicians were in a restaurant. One of them was a hard-core misogynist and claimed that women were never any good at maths, especially the blonde ones. His friend claimed that there was no difference and that women were just as capable as men. When the misogynist went for a cigarette, the o...

A couple is dining in a restaurant when suddenly the waitress catches the man slowly sliding under the table

She sees that the woman is not bothered by this and assumes the worst...
Thinking how to approach the situation, she slowly gets to the table and quietly tells the woman:
"Ma'am, I think your husband just slid under the table for no apparent reason"
The woman turns her head and whispers...

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I was at a deli when the waitress asked me “What would you like?”

I said, “I want to DEVOUR THE UNBORN!”

Waitress: What the fuck?

Me: Eggs. I want eggs.

A man killed a waitress this morning for bringing him a 16 oz steak instead of the 22 oz he ordered.

Police are saying that it was a crime of portion.

I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me.

The old woman next to me said, "It's pronounced 'quiche', dear."

Where does a waitress with one leg work?

IHop

What’s your mom and a waitress got in common.

They both like a huge tip from me

A waitress demanded my sweater tonight after my credit was declined several times

She kept asking for my card again.

Actual joke dad said this morning

waitress: How do you like your eggs?

dad: in a cake

I went to a bar for my friends birthday

We stepped into a bar after a late showing of the Aqua-Man movie to have a few drinks. Seeing how it was my friend's birthday I decided to order the first round. The waitress comes to our table and I ask for the special. The waitress gave us some beer options and a promotional drink called the Aqua-...

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A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing!?"

One of the Bulgarian men says, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry."

The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??"

One of the other businessmen replies, "The menu say, FIRST COME, ...

What did the diner waitress say to Attila?

"More coffee, Hun?"

A man walks into a diner one day and orders a bowl of chili but the waitress says she gave the last of it to a guy sitting nearby who is just staring at it.

After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, "Are you going to eat that?"

The second man replies, "No, you can have it if you want."

So the first man takes the bowl and starts eating.

About halfway through the bowl, he's chewing when he feels a crunch. He l...

Waitress: Sorry about your wait

**Me**: Are you calling me fat?!

I dated a waitress once. I tried putting everything into her...

But she only ever wanted the tip.

"Donner, party of 3!" yelled the waitress.

"Wow took you long enough! We're down to 2 now!"

Stopped in a diner for lunch and on the menu, it said, "Golden Soup", so I asked the waitress why it was called that...

She replied, "Because there are 24 carrots in it."

An attractive waitress approaches a table of two men and asks them what they would like to order.

“How about a quickie?” asks the one man. She immediately throws his water in his face and storms off to call the manager.

His friend leans across the table and says, “Dude, it’s pronounced “quiche””.

"Trick or Treat" refers to Halloween...

...but it also describes potential outcomes of taking an attractive Bangkok waitress back to your hotel room.

Waitress: So how did your food come out?

Me: It came out well.

Waitress: Perfect, enjoy your meal!

Me: I ordered medium rare.

The waitress brought me the wrong order at Texas Road House, and I told her it was a Miss Steak.

She shook her head, sighed, and told me, "Steak jokes are a rare medium well done."

Smart waitress

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an a...

My Hooters waitress was pregnant so I called the manager and said

"Can we get another waitress please? This one has an heir in it."

When I told the waitress I'd have a quiche, she slapped me...

Apparently it's not pronounced like "quickie"

My waitress today had a black eye..

So I made sure to speak slowly and repeat myself since apparently she doesn’t listen

I was in a restaurant last night, when all of sudden, a guy wearing white clothes and a tall white hat burst out of the kitchen. He was ranting, dribbling and touching diners as he passed by. "What the hell was that?!?" I asked the waitress.

She replied, "Oh, the chef's special."

I waved the waitress over to our table.

I said, "Could you get the bill for us?"

She said, "Absolutely."

I said, "Thanks. We're kind of broke."

A guy in a restaurant stops a pretty blonde waitress as she passes by his table...

"Excuse me, Miss. Can I ask you a question about the menu, please?"

She throws a drink in his face. "The men I please are none of your damn business!"

A man goes into a restaurant with an ostrich

They sit down and order:

'I'd like a hamburger, fries and a Coke,' says the man, then turns towards the ostrich. 'And you?'

'The same', says the ostrich.

A few minutes later, the waitress brings the food and the bill.

'$6.40,' she says.

The man takes out the exact ...

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The waitress said “are you ready to order?”

“My wife is in the ladies “ I said

“Do you know what she’s having?”

“Well she’s been gone 10 minutes so probably a shit”

Why was the cow broke, despite being a full time waitress?

Nobody tipped her.

A janitor, a waitress, and a bartender walk into a bar.

Then they open for the day.

Waitress walks over to the table

Waitress - “You guys all finished?”

Me - Yes

Waitress - You wanna box for your leftovers?

Me - No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.

My part-time waitress girlfriend wants to buy nothing but designer outfits...

.. I told her to "act her wage".

I was at a restaurant when I noticed my waitress had a black eye...

So I ordered really slowly, because she obviously doesn't listen well.

Today a waitress got her finger stuck in the dishwasher

We had to fire both of them.

I got angry when my waitress served me eggs with no bread

I'm very lacktoast intolerant.

A truck driver stops at a roadside diner

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner one day to grab some lunch. He ordered a cheeseburger, a coffee and a slice of apple pie. Just as he was about to eat them, three big hairy bikers walked in.

The first biker grabbed the trucker’s cheeseburger and took a big bite from it.

The s...

A man walks into a bar and a busty blonde waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food.

The man looks up at the menu above the bar and sees that it says, "Hot dog $2, Cheese burger $5, Hand job $10".

He asks the waitress, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"

She winks and replies, "Why yes I am".

The man says, "Well in that case, wash your hands. I want a che...

Did you hear about the poor waitress who lost her leg in a freak accident?

Now she's working at IHOP.

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What does a waitress say after having had sex with a guy with a micro penis?

Thanks for the tip!

What do a Rabbi and a Waitress have in common?

They both collect tips.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich bird behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into ...

Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?

As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?

A homeless man enters a diner

He asks the waitress “What can a guy get for a dime?” “Not much, how about a glass of water?” says the waitress. “Sure, that will do.” The homeless man sits at the counter and starts drinking his water. He notices a cowboy sitting a couple seats down the counter with a big bowl of chili. The...

What did the Australian chess player say to the waitress?

"Check mate"

I told the waitress my coffee tasted like mud...

"It should. It was fresh ground this morning"

Calculus Joke

Two professors are at a restaurant, arguing about the state of education today. "Nobody learns calculus anymore," lamented the first. "That's not true," replied the second, "it's part of the freshman curriculum."

"Okay, I'll tell you what," offered the first professor, "we'll ask the waitre...

What did the blonde customer say after reading the buxom waitress's name tag?

A: "What did you name the other one?"

Not to brag, but I've satisfied every waitress that's ever served me...

With just the tip.

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the...

A guy went to a restaurant and asked the waitress for a quickie

She replied, "it's pronounced quiche"

I met a one-legged waitress at IHOP...

Her name was Ilene.

What's the difference between a waitress at a strip club and a stripper?

About 2 weeks.

My dad's favorite joke

Two men go out to lunch. One man orders a BLT, but the waitress says "We're out of BLTs." The man contends they cannot be out of BLTs, and asks whether they have bacon. The waitress answers in the affirmative. The man asks whether they have tomatoes. Again, the waitress answers "yes." The man asks w...

I went to the cannibal restaurant the other night and the waitress gave me the cold shoulder.

It came with rice and a salad.

Waitress, bring me a donut...

...and step on it.

I walked into a restaurant one day and the waitress was a cow...

I tipped her.

A man in a restaurant says to the waitress...

..."Hi can I have a quickie?"
The waitress gives him a dirty look and walks off. She later approaches the table and the man asks: "Can I please have a quickie?" The waitress responds: "Sir, If you ask me that one more time, I'm going to have to call my manager over." and walks off again.
The m...

Make sure you tip your waitress...

It's very funny when they fall over.

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When can you tell your waitress is having a bad day?

When she has a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

What did the waitress say to the man who wouldn't stop staring at her while she refilled his glass?

Take a pitcher, it'll last longer!

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday

They arrive at the club and the doorman says,

“Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated…

A waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings o...

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A waitress approaches a table full of jews.

She asks, "is anything alright?"

Why is it annoying dating a waitress?

They just want the tip.

A man marries a Chinese restaurant waitress...

On their wedding night, she says to him -

Bride: "Dear husband, I want to give you anything you want! Just name it!"

Groom: "Ooh, that's tough to chose. OK, I really want a sixty nine."

Bride (confused): "You want beef broccoli *now*?"

The Blonde Waitress

Customer: Can I have some coffee without cream please?

Blonde Waitress: We are fresh out of cream, sir. Can I bring you coffee without milk instead?

A guy picks up a waitress at a Chinese restaurant...

A guy picks up an innocent, young waitress at a Chinese restaurant and after a night out gets her back to his place. After some fooling around he's ready for action and says, "How's about a little sixty-nine?" to which she replies, "You want broccoli with beef?!"

Did you hear about the nympho waitress?

She was sick of getting just the tip

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What does a prostitute and a waitress have in common?

The faster they work, the more tips they get!

Why was the United Nations concerned when the waitress dropped the platter on Thanksgiving?

It meant the fall of Turkey, the ruin of Greece, and the breakup of China.

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