UPJOKE
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What's a tiger running a copying machine called?

A copycat

You’re riding a giraffe and a tiger is chasing you.. What do you do?

You get off the merry-go-round

What did the Roman say when his wife was eaten by a tiger?

Gladiator

Stevie Wonder rings Tiger Woods and says

"how do you fancy a round of golf"

Tiger says "I didn't think you would be able to play Stevie"

Stevie explains how he had a caddy put a device in each hole that emits a constant high pitched tone and he can tune an earpiece into, which tells him the direction and distance to it.
...

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What winks and fucks like a tiger?

*winks*

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Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !

Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex.

Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke?

Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encount...

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tiger wouldn't do that

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed and just about ready to consummate their marriage when the new bride says to the husband: "I have a confession

to make - I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yea... I...

Chuck Norris was petting a tiger.

Suddenly the tiger began to utter a soft growl. The trainer said, "get up slowly and back away." So, the tiger did.

Saw a clip of Chuck Norris telling this himself.

elon musk, tiger woods, the pope and a college student are on an airplane …

the plane is going down, the pilots bailed, it’s going to crash.
there’s 4 of them and only 3 parachutes …
tiger woods says “i’m the best golfer in the world, i think i should get a parachute.”
everyone agrees, tiger woods takes a parachute and jumps out of the plane.
elon musk says “i...

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot up ...

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A guy goes to Africa to teach a Native tribe how to speak English

The guy said to the chief "lion" and the chief would say Lion. The guy said "Tiger" and the chief said tiger. After a couple weeks the chief was understanding English fairly well.

The man and the chief are having a stroll down a pathway when they see a man a woman having sex in the bushes. ...

My ex told me her spiritual animal was the tiger...

but it turned out it was the cheetah.

I have the eye of a tiger, the heart of a lion...

... and a lifetime ban from the New York Zoo.

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Gordon Ramsey branches out and opens a speech therapy workshop for lions and tigers. His first student comes in and it's a massive siberian tiger. Gordon says "well, go ahead, let me see what you've got." The tiger opens its mouth and lets out a pathetic "meow.".

"You DONKEY, that was PATHETIC!" screams Gordon "IT'S. FUCKING. ROAR."

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Tiger woods

Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of Ireland. Paddy who knows nothing about golf, says “Top o the morning to ya sir!” Tiger nods and bends to pick up the fuel nozzle. As he does so, 2 tees fall out of his shirt pocket. “What are those?” Asks Paddy. “They’re called t...

What should you do if you come across a Tiger in the jungle?

Wipe it off and apologise

Billie Eilish is officially 18 now, do you know what that means?

She's old enough to order 12 fascinating issues of Zoobooks for $19.95 if she calls 1-800-441-2400. When she calls, they'll include the bonus Elephants issue, stickers, and Tiger Poster with her order.

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.

Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.

"When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim."

Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a ...

How do Tigers, Elephants, and Lions fly?

On the African plain

What’s the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?

Santa stops after three Hoes

What’s the difference between Tiger Woods’s golf ball and his SUV?

He can drive his golf ball 300 yards without hitting a tree.

There has been much said and sung about the "Eye Of The Tiger", but how come no one ever talks about the other four letters?

The Tea of the Tiger was quite a refreshing and pleasant event!

Bought the book: Tiger Woods best 18 holes.

I was incredibly disappointed when I found out it was about golf.

A lion would never drive while drunk.

But a tiger wood.

What is Tiger Woods’ spirit animal?

Idk, but his wife said he was a Cheetah

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So an tiger was smoking in the forest...

... a rat happened past and started laying into him: "We live in such a beautiful forest; you are such a majestic and beautiful creature, why the hell are you killing yourself like this. Come with me and I'll show you sights to live for!"

Intrigued the tiger drops his cigarette and follows th...

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Tiger Woods on a golf tour in Ireland

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant who knows absolutely nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the morni...

What do possums and the Detroit Tigers have in common?

Both play dead at home & get killed on the road.

What's the difference between a German Tiger and a Siberian Tiger?

One can survive the Winter.

Moses snd Jesus are playing golf

They come to a 210 yard par three that only a lake between tee and green. Jesus turns to Moses and asks what club would tiger woods use on this hole? Moses says Lord tiger would use a 4 iron but you should use a 3 wood. Jesus pulls a 4 iron and sure enough he ball lands in the water. Moses says I’ll...

What ruined Tiger Woods’ golf career?

His driving game.

A blonde called her boyfriend and said,

“Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to put it together or how to get it started.” Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde said, “ According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.” Her boyfriend decide...

A man walks into a bar and asks for the bill

The bartender looks confused and tells the man he didn't order anything.

The man says I know, but I own the zoo down the street. I heard about the time a grizzly bear, elephant, monkey, tiger, alligator,... walked into a bar. I'm here to pay for the damages.

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Tiger Woods goes to Japan

Tiger Woods goes to Japan for a golf tournament. The night before, he hires a prostitute. As they are having sex, the prostitute is shouting, "!Machigatta ana" Tiger doesn't know any Japanese, but he figures she is saying she is satisfied.

The next day at the tournament, on the 18th hole, Tig...

Where do tigers go for ice cream?

Carol Baskin Robbins

what led to tigers downfall in golf

He used his wood on too many holes

Apparently Mike Tyson has a tiger that he regularly plays with

That’s really irresponsible. He shouldn’t be messing with wild beasts of nature like that. I know he thinks he’s nice and won’t bite, but Mike Tyson has shown signs of aggression before

Five Detroit Tigers fans, Al, Ben, Carl, Dan, and Edgar, are watching a home game for the Tigers. Of course, the Tigers easily lose, and the five fans leave the stadium angrily.

"If those players had played better, we could have won," said Al.

"Don't blame the players, blame the coach," said Ben. "If he had trained the players better, they would have played better."

"Those players couldn't play a decent game if their lives depended on it," said Carl. "But it's...

Did you hear the news about the guy who killed Tony the Tiger?

He's a cereal killer

Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?

It wanted a balanced diet.

The worst part about Tiger Wood's driving

is that it's probably going to add to his handicap.

Tiger Woods and Stevie Wonder are in a bar.

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I ...

The King of the Jungle said he was a tiger

He's a lion.

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What do you call a man with no legs and no arms in a tiger exhibit?

Fucked, he is fucked.

Why do tigers have stripes?

They don't want to be spotted.

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The billionaire and the mermaid whisperer

A billionaire is sailing his yacht past a lighthouse, and he sees the elderly lighthouse keeper out on the rocks at the base of the lighthouse, getting a blowjob from a mermaid - the top half was a stunning, curvy redhead, and the bottom half was a tiger shark. As he watches, the pair finish the act...

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How do two tiger sharks mate?

I don’t know. They’re fucking underwater

Why did tiger quit golf?

He lost the ability to drive

My grandpa was telling me about when he used to hunt tigers.

He said, "this one time I was alone in the jungle when out of the bushes, right in front of me, a huge tiger leaped out suddenly and went RRROOOOAAAAAARRRRR!!!!!!! Kid, you won't believe it, I shat myself."

I raised my eyebrows. "You bet I believe it, I'd have shat myself too if that happened...

What do Siegfried and the tiger have in common?

They both know what Roy tastes like.

A dog walks through the jungle forests, when suddenly a tiger threatens to devour him.

A dog walks through the jungle forests, when suddenly a tiger threatens to devour him.

The dog, who sees the animal's bones next to it, turns to them, licks his lips and says, "What a delicious tiger that was!"

The tiger hears the dog, panics, turns and runs away.

All the while ...

Finally after two weeks of fruitless tracking through the jungle one of our local guides received word that tigers had been spotted just outside a neighbouring village.

Personally I'd been hoping for stripey ones but beggars can't be choosers.

Out of all the aspects of Tigers game

Nobody ever faulted his driving....

Tiger Woods wanted to play at The Masters.....

But everyone knew he’d have trouble getting past the turn.

Tiger Woods won't be able to play the Masters this year.

Having difficulties with his driving.


Too soon?

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Tiger, I've got some good news and bad news.

"Ok Doc. Give me the bad news first."
"We had to implant metal rods in your legs which could impact your play."
"That's Terrible! I'm Finished! I'll never be able to compete again! What's the GOOD news!"
"You balls are 3 inches from the pin."

Tiger Woods has another mishap in his automobile.

He should really start listening to his Caddy on his drives

Yesterday I saw a tiger on my way back home.

I was terrified I suddenly started pray. Then looked back at tiger and saw he was also praying. I asked him "Why are you praying?" He replied "I always pray before i eat".

What are the two reactions you should have when you see a tiger in Africa?

Fear, because it's a *fahkin'* tiger!

And Surprise, because there are no tigers in Africa.

Can a tiger find the man cub?

Shere Khan

Did you hear about the incident at the tiger exhibit?

It was a big cat-astrophe

A village is being terrorized by a man eating tiger.

All the villagers' efforts to catch this tiger have been in vain. They call an acclaimed hunter "One shot Bob" who is so named because rumor has it that he can disable or kill any animal with just one shot.

So the hunter arrives, all smug and self assured. He prepares for the hunt and perch...

Pretend you're in a jungle, what do you do if a tiger is chasing you and catching up to you?

Stop pretending.

A lion, a tiger, a cheetah and a mouse fell in a hole

after trying to get away for hours, they gave up and accepted their fate

soon enough everybody got hungry.

The tiger proposed that they start by eating the weakest animal, the cheetah agreed, but the mouse stood up and said : "if you touch the lion I'll kick you in th...

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Tiger Wood and Bill Clinton are at the bar.

Bill has has a few drinks and decided to open up to Tiger. He says, Tiger your my oldest friend and I just have to ask. How do you keep your cock so long and hard. Tiger responds, it’s simple really. Before I sleep with a woman I smack my Dick on the bed post three times as hard as I can. Bill finds...

Tiger Woods issues statement to Reddit regarding tasteless comments about his emergency knee surgery in r/Jokes.

"I won't stand for this"

What's the difference between Tiger Woods and a NASCAR driver?

Tiger Woods plays golf for a living, but enjoys smashing up his car on his days off.

Tiger woods

I just got married and as I was laying in bed about to make love to my new wife she said to me,”honey I have to tell you I have made love before tonight.”
I said,”who was this with?”
She said,” with Tiger Woods.”
I said, “ohhhhkkkk then.” I can accept that.
Despite this profound news I ...

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Tiger Woods and a preacher play golf.

Tiger Woods and a local preacher get paired off at a charity golf tournament. On the fourth hole, Tiger misses an easy, 6 foot putt, and shouts "God dammit!" The preacher turns to him and says, "Tiger, you've already angered God. If you blaspheme any more, God will smite you where you stand." 3 ...

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Tiger Fucking

Q: What's black and white and read all over?

Delivery Note (DN), mention "I bet you know this one"

A: A newspaper.

 

Q: When is a door not a door?

DN: wait for the person to really think about it, and get it or say they give up.

A: When its ...

The Ohio and Michigan Institute of Lions and Tigers and Bears.

OH,MI.

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Well, there was this tiger who woke up one morning, and just felt great

(yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT).

Anyway, he just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier than you."

A...

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Tiger tank

WW2 is raging and 3 Jews are walking along a road and they see a German tiger tank in the middle of the road.
One of them says " Let's push this tank to our village and sell it for scrap metal"
So they start to push the tank along the road and after 30 minutes one of them falls to the ground ...

WARNING: Tiger King Spoilers

Will make your car look stupid.

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Why did the Tiger cross the road?

To whip some Sooner ass.

How did Tony the Tiger find out he was going to be a dad?

His wife said “Honey, I’m laaaaaaaaaate”

Must be strange being Tiger Woods;

Getting to hear, "Morning, Woods!" all the time!

Why does a tiger make such a good girlfriend?

Because its not a cheetah.

If Tiger Wood and Princess Diana played a round of golf who would win?

Tiger Woods! because he has a better driver!


I'll be in hell if you need me.

Tiger woods got in an accident the same reason he lost his last tournament

Because of his terrible driving

Why couldn't the tiger fall asleep?

It had nothing to lion.

Man enters zoo enclosure to feed the tigers...

Succeeds

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Two tigers were strolling through the woods, one behind the other.

The one at the back suddenly paced forward, and gave a quick lick to the other's butthole.

"Hey! Cut it out!!???" It snapped looking back. The tiger at the back immediately apologised and they continued walking.

After a little while this happened again. This time the one in front turne...

Crouching tiger, hidden dragon.

It wasn't a great day at the zoo.

Tiger Woods has really picked up his game

He used to only flip his golf club

Why are lions more honorable than tigers?

A lion wouldn't cheat on his mate, but a Tiger Wood.

Why should you never do math with a tiger?

If you add 4+4 you're gonna get ate.



haha, classic

What did Tiger Woods get for Christmas?

Half of everything.

How do you catch a unique Tiger?

Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame tiger?

Tame way.

Captain Crunch, Tony the Tiger, and the Trix Rabbit were found dead recently

The police concluded that this is the work of a Cereal Killer.

A hunter was asked what he did for a living, and he responds that he "hunts tigers in Africa."

When it's pointed out that there are no tigers in Africa, he replies "that's because I do my job".

How did Tiger Woods manage to burn down his house?

Coz he got rid of all his hose.

I know it's way too soon, but... How many times did Tiger's SUV roll?

FOUR!!!



I'm going to Hell.

Why did the Tiger run away from the lion?

The lion invaded the golf-course.

All the big cats gathered for a game of poker. Why did the tiger lose?

Because one of his opponents kept on lion. Another had a puma-nent poker face. But the real problem was the cheetah.

The Priest and the Tiger

A priest visits the zoo, but accidentally trips over, landing in the tiger enclosure. The tiger slowly approaches the priest, so the priest begins to pray.

To his surprise the tiger prays too.

'Its a miracle!' The priest exclaims. 'I thought you were going to eat me.'

'Shut up...

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How do you outrun a horse, tiger, lion, and elephant that are chasing you.

Get your drunk ass off of the merry-go-round.

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Two tigers are walking down the street.

One says to the other:

'It's quiet for a Saturday isn't it?'

Old blonde joke.

A husband comes home to find his beautiful blonde wife sitting at the kitchen table in tears.
"What's wrong, dear?" He asks
Through her tears she says, "well, I've been trying to put this puzzle together all day and I just can't seem to figure it out! It's supposed to be a tiger."
He loo...

Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.

Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.

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Sex with me is as annoying as playing a round of golf with tiger woods

No one wants to play with someone who shoots it in the hole first stroke every time!

2 Tigers At The Bronx Zoo Are Talking

Fred: Hey did you hear what happened to Bob the Tiger?

Larry: Yea, COVID-19. Unbelievable! How could he get a human illness?

Fred: He had a zookeeper for dinner last week.

Larry: That's terrible.

Fred: It gets worse.

Larry: Bob ate a human who gave him Coronavirus,...

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