I wish I was Tiger Woods...

18 holes a day, and he still finds the time for golfing.

What do you do when you come across a tiger in the jungle?

Wipe it off and apologize

What did Tiger Woods give his mistress?

Golf clap

What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?

Santa stops after 3 hos

What do you get when you cross a tiger with a rabbit?

A tiger.

In the beginning, God asked Adam to name the animals, so he began to invent names, “Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig...” Then God said, “You must name the sea animals too.” Adam was exhausted, but he knew how important this was, so he continued...

“Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…”

What did Tiger Woods get for Christmas?

Half of everything.

Must be strange being Tiger Woods;

Getting to hear, "Morning, Woods!" all the time!

What do you do when you suddenly walk into a tiger and a jaguar?

You get in the jaguar and drive off.

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A hunter is in the jungle looking for a prey when he spots a majestic tiger...

Thinking that he has hit the jackpot, he shoots the tiger but the bullet misses it by an inch. The hunter gets really nervous and pleads the tiger not to kill him.

The tiger says,"I won't kill you but only on one condition. You have to let me fuck you". Seeing no other option the hunter says...

Captain Crunch, The Trix rabbit and Tony the Tiger have been found dead in their homes.

I guess you could say there’s a cereal killer on the loose.

A Lion and a Tiger escaped with a Jaguar from a British zoo.

They were caught 15 miles down the road when the Jaguar broke down.

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.

Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.

"When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim."

Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a ...

3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.

Oh my!

I met Tiger Woods at a driving range, and he offered to watch a few of my shots and give me advice

He watched carefully, and told me I was standing much too close to the ball - after I hit it

Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?

Only people in the Woods’

What’s the difference between Tiger Woods’s golf ball and his SUV?

He can drive his golf ball 300 yards without hitting a tree.

What's the difference between Princess Diana and Tiger Woods?

Tigers got a much better driver

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Why should you not pull on tiger's tail?

Because it's a fucking tiger stupid!

(I know it not very funny but someone insisted I post it it's only joke I know and translated from Czechia)

I have the eye of the tiger...

and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Stevie Wonder rings Tiger Woods and says

"how do you fancy a round of golf"

Tiger says "I didn't think you would be able to play Stevie"

Stevie explains how he had a caddy put a device in each hole that emits a constant high pitched tone and he can tune an earpiece into, which tells him the direction and distance to it.
...

What course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble?

Intercourse.

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Tiger tank

WW2 is raging and 3 Jews are walking along a road and they see a German tiger tank in the middle of the road.
One of them says " Let's push this tank to our village and sell it for scrap metal"
So they start to push the tank along the road and after 30 minutes one of them falls to the ground ...

Why couldn't the tiger fall asleep?

It had nothing to lion.

The Bengal Tiger is capable of jumping higher than an average two story colonial house.

This is because of their powerful hind legs and the fact that the average 2 story colonial home can't jump very high.

Man enters zoo enclosure to feed the tigers...

Succeeds

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A self-made millionaire decided that he was lonely and needed to find a mate. So, he organized a bit of a competition for it.

As his search neared the end he narrowed the choices down to four.

One was a doctor. She was a surgeon, made incredible money. She was focused and driven. Because she was so wealthy on her own, he knew she wasn't in it only for the money.

One was a lawyer. Again, a successful professio...

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On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a gas station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in
a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fa...

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On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to...

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The ra...

What is the difference between a freshly made pizza and a hungry jungle tiger?

One tastes delicious to you and you taste delicious to one.

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I hear that Tiger Woods carries two sex dolls with him on a golf course...

...just in case he gets a hole in one.

What did Mufasa say to Simba when he pretended to be a tiger?

Grrr, I know you lion.

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Two tigers are walking down the street.

One says to the other:

'It's quiet for a Saturday isn't it?'

A lion would never cheat on its wife.

But a Tiger wood.

Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.

Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.

Ive heard so much about the Eye of the Tiger,

But why does nobody talk about the other four letters?

I got scammed! Purchased Tiger Woods book “18 of my favorite holes”...

and it was about golf.

A dog walks through the jungle forests, when suddenly a tiger threatens to devour him.

A dog walks through the jungle forests, when suddenly a tiger threatens to devour him.

The dog, who sees the animal's bones next to it, turns to them, licks his lips and says, "What a delicious tiger that was!"

The tiger hears the dog, panics, turns and runs away.

All the while ...

A blonde called her boyfriend and said,

“Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to put it together or how to get it started.” Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde said, “ According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.” Her boyfriend decide...

Four Animals

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says".

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?"

The little gi...

Tiger and Stevie Wonder are in a bar

Tiger turns to Stevie and asks, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie: Not bad. How's the golf?

Tiger: Not bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that worked out now.

Stevie: I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a wh...

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I thought this sub was the appropriate place for some of these hard to believe real West Virginia Laws.

-If you wear a hat inside a theater, you may be fined.

-Roadkill may be taken home for supper.

-No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."

-Doctors and dentists may not place a woman under anesthesia unless a third person is present.

-It...

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Tiger Woods and Bill Clinton are playing at a charity golf tournament.

Bill sees Tiger at the urinals and peeks down to see that Tiger is very well endowed.


"Tiger, what is your secret?" Bill asks.

Tiger responds: "It's really simple. Every night before I get in bed I whack my dick against my bedpost 3 times. It's been working for me for years!"
...

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Britney Spears , Elton John and Tiger Woods

Britney Spears , Elton John and Tiger Woods are walking along the street. Britney trips, jamming her head in between the rails in a picket fence. Tiger, quick as a flash, pulls down her pants and fucks her ball-deep senseless. He turns to Elton and says, "your turn!" but Elton starts to cry. "What"s...

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Boris Johnson walks into a Bank

He needs to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?"

Cashier: It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?

BJ: Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Bor...

I was on a jungle expedition in Bangladesh with some colleauges of mine, when we all came across a tiger...

It was really messy, so out of courtesy we tried wiping it off while profusely apologising.

Sonny Bono can't tell you the name of the tiger in The Jungle Book...

But Cher can.

Sadly, the voice actor of Tony the Tiger has passed away

His last words: "I don't feel GRRRREAT!"

Read this great book called 'Revenge of the Tiger' recently.

Written by Claude Balls.

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Tiger Woods went to the Virgin Islands

Now its just called the Islands.

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What winks and fucks like a tiger?

*winks*

Tiger woods

I just got married and as I was laying in bed about to make love to my new wife she said to me,”honey I have to tell you I have made love before tonight.”
I said,”who was this with?”
She said,” with Tiger Woods.”
I said, “ohhhhkkkk then.” I can accept that.
Despite this profound news I ...

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A 20 year old man comes to his sensei to help him...

M: Sensei, my girlfriend is pregnant, but I used a condom...
S: My son, I will tell you a story:
There once lived a hunter. One day, he planned a trip in a jungle, but forgot his gun.
Suddenly a tiger shown up. He could defend only with an umbrella, so he aimed at the tiger with it, ...

Stevie Wonder has a bet with Tiger Woods on a game of golf, Stevie says I will beat you, so they agree to have a $500,000 bet on it, Stevie says you name the venue and I will name the time, Tiger says OK St Augustus, so what time we playing? Stevie replied.

Midnight.

My buddy has stopped trying to date cougars and is chasing something older!

Are those called sabre-toothed tigers?

If a Bengal tiger is attacking your mother-in-law and spouse, who will you save?

The Bengal tiger of course!! They're getting extinct in the world.

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A tiger walks through the forest and suddenly sees a rare sight - a monkey throwing coconuts at a lion.

The tiger asks the lion, "Why do you let him do it?"

"Lets see you doing something," says the lion.

"No problem," replies the tiger. "Watch and learn."

The tiger leaps up and starts chasing the monkey, climbing the trees, the mountains, the hills, crossing the sands until they r...

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A Finn, a Swede and a Norwegian

get caught in a storm while sailing and crash into an island. The island is inhabited by cannibals. They're given 3 tasks and if they fail at anyone of them, they'll be eaten.
First they have to drink a bottle of moonshine, then they have to go into a tiger cave and kill a tiger and lastly they ...

I just came across a tiger in a jungle.

I immediately wiped it off and apologised.

The Priest and the Tiger

A priest visits the zoo, but accidentally trips over, landing in the tiger enclosure. The tiger slowly approaches the priest, so the priest begins to pray.

To his surprise the tiger prays too.

'Its a miracle!' The priest exclaims. 'I thought you were going to eat me.'

'Shut up...

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One day a small rabbit was taking a run through the forest.

As he was running he came upon a giraffe. This giraffe was about to shoot up some heroin. The rabbit looked at he giraffe for a moment and then said, "Giraffe, don't do heroin. Heroin is a drug, and drugs are bad for you. Come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looked at the rab...

Trump allegedly had an affair with Tony the Tiger.

When reached for a comment, his response want typical: "Nope, not true. Flake news."

How do you catch a unique Tiger?

Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame tiger?

Tame way.

Why can tigers never look fat?

Because vertical stripes make them look thin

What's the difference between Tiger Woods and an amateur golfer?

Only one of them gets convicted for reckless driving

A little girl is building a big puzzle..

She has all of the pieces out on the table when her parents walk up to her and ask what she is doing

'I'm building this puzzle! I think its a tiger, but its really hard.' says the little girl.

The parents look at the box, then at each other, then the dad picks up the little girl and t...

Tiger Woods is playing a practice round for The Masters

Midway through his round he stumbles upon an old magic genie lamp and out comes a fairly old semi retired genie but the genie granted Tiger one wish nonetheless. Tiger gave it some thought and told the genie about the recent struggles he’s having with painkillers and the opioid epidemic across this ...

BREAKING: Tiger kills worker in an enclosure at UK zoo park

Man he took that DUI hard

A Cajun, an LSU Tiger, and the mob (long)

Down in Atchafalaya Basin, Louisiana, the sheriff was hearing rumblings of dog fighting. He couldn't figure out what was going on because by the time he got a tip and made his ways through the swamps, everyone was gone. He decided to deputize a few good ol' boys to figure out the powers at work he...

A clown bets an old man $100 he can make him laugh. Man says "Sure, it won't happen"

Clown asks: "What do you call someone posing as a fake Italian chef? An im-pasta"

Man doesn't laugh

Clown asks: "What do you get when you cross a tiger and a bear? A tiger and a bear seeking revenge."

No response

Clown asks: "Which super hero asks the most questions? Wond...

How do tigers walk around without being spotted?

By being striped.

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What is the best thing about Tiger Woods' arrest?

A black man in America finally survived a traffic stop. Progress!

Why does Tiger have to take so many baths?

Because he plays with Pooh all day.

This girl I took home from the bar wanted to role-play. I told her I would be Tony the Tiger.

But apparently a "Frosted Face" isn't good. Or great.

Binghamton University's Athletic Director compared the mens basketball team to a zoo. The Binghamton Zoo responded with the following letter:

I am tired of hearing that blight on Binghamton University, the men's basketball team, being referred to as a "zoo." The Binghamton Zoo at Ross Park has just received re-accreditation by the Association of Zoos and Aquariums, the industry's governing authority. We achieved this status by being in th...

Little Johnnie

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
Timmy stood up and said, "My mom is a Doctor!"
Sarah stood up and said, "My father is a professor!"
All of the class but Little Johnny had answered.
The teacher called on Johnny and he slowly walk to the fron...

After the Russian election Putin meets with his staff

Staff: “Sir Comrade Vlad, we have got good news and bad news for you.”

Putin: “I’m not scared of bad news, I’ve wrestled bears, tigers and a small rhino with my bare Russian hands. Hit me!”

Staff: “Your opponent got 51% of the votes.”

Putin: “That is terrible news! What on earth...

Jesus and Saint Peter are playing golf...

...and a group has been trying to play through for the last few holes.

Jesus and Saint Peter come up to a hole with a water hazard right through the middle of the fairway. Saint Peter is up first, and says, "I'm going to play this just like Arnold Palmer, and hit it right up to the water's ed...

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A man and a women in a hotel room have just had amazing sex.

The man is exhausted and he leans over to pick up the phone.
"What are you doing?" she asks.
"Calling room service, I need a drink"
"My last lover was Tiger Woods and he would never have done that, he would have made love to me again" she said
So the guy turns over and makes love to her...

If Tiger Wood and Princess Diana played a round of golf who would win?

Tiger Woods! because he has a better driver!


I'll be in hell if you need me.

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Golf is such a discriminatory sport

I grew up in the glory days of Tiger vs. Phil and I always admired what that man had overcome to get to the heights of the sport's mountaintops. He was just like me, except for my whole life, I'd never felt accepted on the golf course. People would give me weird looks when I'd try to play and the pe...

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