What’s the difference between Bird flu and swine flu? –

For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.

"Doctor, Doctor, I think I've got the swine flu."

"Here's an oinkment to make it better."

Today I was called an uncultured swine.

I don’t even know what that means.

Before swine met Jesus, what was it?

Swater

What to you call a upscale restaurant that specializes in pork?

Swine dining.

(My daughter just told me this one and I told her I'd post it on here for her)

What do you call it when swine lose their memory?

Hamnesia!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A serial killer was on trial....

The prosecution began its case.

"We allege the accused rendered the victim unconscious and then using his saw .."

At which point a guy at the back shouts out "you rotten bastard"

The judge calls for order and asks the spectators to refrain from shouting out.

The prosecuti...

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Two Italian men get on a bus.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come togeth...

If you get an email that says canned ham can cause swine flu..

Just delete it because it's Spam

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.

An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town’s cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back t...

What did one petri dish say to the other?

Ahh, I see you too are a man of culture.



What did the petri dish say to the refrigerated porkchop?

>!Uncultured Swine!!<

Got vaccinated, avoided swine flues. Got vaccinated, avoided bird flues. Then I bought a house with two fireplaces.

Got chimney flues.

John thought he could never catch an illness. When his co-worker asked him if he ever gets sick, he would always say “The day I become ill will be the day pigs fly.”

A few months later, it finally happened.

The swine flu.

What do you call a flying pig?

A swine flu

What's fowl and swine, but people can't resist shoving down their throat?

A turkey and ham sandwich.

I'll see myself out.

what do you call a 145 million year old swine carcass?

Jurassic Pork

Ill show^myself^out

A patient tells his doctor he thinks he contracted Swine Flu and Avian Flu at the same time.

The doctor tells him "I'll believe that when pigs fly."

What do you call a frozen swine lavatory?

A pigloo

I'll see myself out.

100 people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. ...

100 people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask.

A million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom!

An eccentric billionaire's beloved pet hog was very ill...

...and his private vet was away so he had to find a last minute specialist. Vets from around the world sent word that they would come to his aid right away, jumping at the chance to look at the animal, thereby winning the rich old man's admiration and the huge bill that would come from top notch car...

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A Jew meets an anti-Semitic nobleman.

This nobleman tells him: "I just returned from a trip to Japan, where there are neither Jews nor swine!"


The Jew responds: "How about we both go there so that it will have one of each?"

An angry mom once told me that she’d get her kid vaccinated when pigs fly.

Alas, swine flu.

A pig, tired of its pregnant wife, decided to leave her

As a result, the pregnant swine did not have a baby...






Because she got a-boar-shun.

What did yogurt say to bacon?

You uncultured swine.

One fine day, down at the local diner.

A waitress taking the breakfast order of a mother and her young son is startled when the little boy looks up at her and growls in a low, deep voice:

**"I want to consume the flesh of swine, and the unborn."**

His mother shakes her head, sighs, and says, "Bacon and eggs. He want...

Lab grown pigs

You grow 2 pig embryos in seperate Petri dishes. You add a nutrient mixture with a sip of wine to 1 dish and add nothing to to the other
What do you call the pig embryo in the second, empty Petri dish?



-*An uncultured swine*.

I saw a flying pig! He was coughing and sneezing though, so I killed him.

After all, the swine flu!

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A beautiful woman on the top floor of a 4 storey apartment building trips and falls over her balcony.

The neighbour living in the floor below happened to be outside when he heard her scream. He looked up and saw her coming down and as any good man would do, he caught her in his arms as she dangled over the edge.

"Save me, please!!" She cried.

The man began to pull her up but stopped w...

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A man walks in his bedroom with a pig...

under his arm. He says:
"I fucked this she-swine for 10 years"
His wife, shocked, yells:
"What?"
The man replies:
"Shut up, I was talking to the pig."

What’s the difference between an honest politician and a flying pig?

There actually was a time when swine flu.

What do you call a pig that has never been tested for an infection?

Uncultured swine.

A man is sitting at a courthouse...

A man is sitting at a courthouse waiting for his trial after calling the Queen a swine. They finally call him, the queen is sitting at her throne, and three officials are in front of him and the man asks:

-"So I can't call the Queen a swine anymore?"

One of the officials says:

-...

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