What’s the difference between swine flu and bird flu?

Swine Flu requires oinkment and Bird Flu requires Tweetment

Before swine met Jesus, what was it?

Swater

If you get an email that says canned ham can cause swine flu..

Just delete it because it's Spam

What do you call it when swine lose their memory?

Hamnesia!

Got vaccinated, avoided swine flues. Got vaccinated, avoided bird flues. Then I bought a house with two fireplaces.

Got chimney flues.

One fine day, down at the local diner.

A waitress taking the breakfast order of a mother and her young son is startled when the little boy looks up at her and growls in a low, deep voice:

**"I want to consume the flesh of swine, and the unborn."**

His mother shakes her head, sighs, and says, "Bacon and eggs. He want...

What's fowl and swine, but people can't resist shoving down their throat?

A turkey and ham sandwich.

I'll see myself out.

A patient tells his doctor he thinks he contracted Swine Flu and Avian Flu at the same time.

The doctor tells him "I'll believe that when pigs fly."

what do you call a 145 million year old swine carcass?

Jurassic Pork

Ill show^myself^out

What do you call a frozen swine lavatory?

A pigloo

I'll see myself out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Italian men

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.


The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:


"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asse...

100 people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. ...

100 people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask.

A million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew meets an anti-Semitic nobleman.

This nobleman tells him: "I just returned from a trip to Japan, where there are neither Jews nor swine!"


The Jew responds: "How about we both go there so that it will have one of each?"

An eccentric billionaire's beloved pet hog was very ill...

...and his private vet was away so he had to find a last minute specialist. Vets from around the world sent word that they would come to his aid right away, jumping at the chance to look at the animal, thereby winning the rich old man's admiration and the huge bill that would come from top notch car...

An angry mom once told me that she’d get her kid vaccinated when pigs fly.

Alas, swine flu.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bus stops... [NSFW]

and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-mor...

A pig, tired of its pregnant wife, decided to leave her

As a result, the pregnant swine did not have a baby...






Because she got a-boar-shun.

What did yogurt say to bacon?

You uncultured swine.

I saw a flying pig! He was coughing and sneezing though, so I killed him.

After all, the swine flu!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A beautiful woman on the top floor of a 4 storey apartment building trips and falls over her balcony.

The neighbour living in the floor below happened to be outside when he heard her scream. He looked up and saw her coming down and as any good man would do, he caught her in his arms as she dangled over the edge.

"Save me, please!!" She cried.

The man began to pull her up but stopped w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks in his bedroom with a pig...

under his arm. He says:
"I fucked this she-swine for 10 years"
His wife, shocked, yells:
"What?"
The man replies:
"Shut up, I was talking to the pig."

What’s the difference between an honest politician and a flying pig?

There actually was a time when swine flu.

(Long)A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas....

The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.
An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down.
After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town.
On a hunch, he checked the tow...

What do you call a pig that has never been tested for an infection?

Uncultured swine.

A man is sitting at a courthouse...

A man is sitting at a courthouse waiting for his trial after calling the Queen a swine. They finally call him, the queen is sitting at her throne, and three officials are in front of him and the man asks:

-"So I can't call the Queen a swine anymore?"

One of the officials says:

-...

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