what do you call an alligator in a vest ?

an investigator

cheers

Some Alligators can grow up to 15 feet

but most only have 4.

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?"

The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequila. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gott...

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What do you call a disease sexually transmitted through alligators?

Gatoraids

Alligator Show

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth...

A farmer was picking apples when he heard a noise from his pond. He walks over and sees three young women skinny dipping.

They notice him and crouch in the water up to their shoulders. “Go away! Stop spying on us!” The farmer says “Sorry ladies, but I didn’t come out here to see you naked.” Holding up his apple bucket he says “I came to feed the alligator.”

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The wizard and the monkey and the alligator.

A wizard is walking through the forest when he stumbles on to a monkey in a tree. The wizard asks what the monkey is doing and the monkey replies nothing just chilling smoking this joint. The monkey then asks if the wizard would like to join. The wizard does. After smoking the joint the wizard gets...

What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?

E-Reptile Disc Function

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What does a alligator say to human walking away?

See you later masterbaiter...

What's the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?

It's pretty simple. One will see you after awhile and the other will see you later.

I work in a Cajun restaurant and people always ask what the alligator tastes like.

I tell them it tastes great, but we make ours out of baby alligator so it has a little bite to it.

So a man says to Steve Irwin “How often do alligators mate?”

Steve asked: “How often do they what?”
Man: “mate”
Steve: “what?”
Man: “HOW OFTEN DO THEY MATE?”
Steve: “HOW OFTEN DO THEY WHATTTTT????”

What's worse than one alligator coming to dinner?

Two alligators coming to dinner.

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A guy walked into a bar with a small alligator...

...and walked up to the bartender to ask for a drink.

The bartender notices him walking towards him and says, "Whoawhoawhoa, is that a crocodile?"

To which the guy responded, "Well, its an alligator, but yeah."

"That thing cannot be in here."

"Why not?"

"Well, its ...

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A man goes to a strip club with an alligator.

He says, "I bet you that I can put my dick into this alligator's mouth for 1 minute, and when I take it out, it will not be damaged. If I succeed, all of you will buy me drinks. If I fail, I will buy all of you drinks." The other men agree and he puts his dick into the alligator's mouth for 1 minute...

A blonde was on vacation in............

A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices. After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes a...

What do you call an alligator that solves crimes and day trades on the side?

An Investigator

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A man walks into a bar with an alligator.

A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He call for everyone's attention, orders a beer and proceeds to put his balls in the gator's open mouth.

The gator closes its mouth, the man drinks the beer and then takes the bottle and whacks the gator on the head with it real hard. The gator opens...

What do you call a SWAT Team of Alligators?

Gator-Raid

Why couldn't the alligator get it up

He suffered from ereptile dysfunction

A man walks into a restaurant with an alligator on a leash.

He asks the waiter, "Do you serve children here?"

"Of course."

"Then I'll have pasta and my alligator will have some children."

Alligators can grow up to 15 metres...

The joke doesn’t work with the metric system...

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My wife insisted we go and see the alligators crafted out of manure at the "contemporary" art gallery last night. My advice... don't go!

Turned out to be a croc of shit.

Alligators can live up to 100 years...

Which is why there's an increased chance that they will see you later.

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A monkey is smoking a joint in a tree...

An iguana walks by and joins him in a few tokes. After a few minutes the iguana gets cottonmouth and goes to get a drink from the river.

While he’s gone an alligator smells the aroma and wanders over to the tree.

The monkey looks down from his branch and yells “Holy shit! How much wa...

A man with an alligator walks in a bar

He tells the bartender he’s a street performer and would like to perform. The bartender is curious about his act so he allows it. The man stands up holding his gator and a jar and announces to the bar that he won’t start until his jar is full of money. The people in the bar are also curious about hi...

What do you call an alligator without scales, tail, limbs or teeth?

A nothingator.

~ 4 yr. old nephew came up with it

A guy walks into a bar holding an alligator. He gently rests it on the counter, and takes a seat.

“You can’t bring that in here!” the bartender exclaimed, motioning for the man to leave.
“Aw, he’s completely harmless, won’t hurt a fly I promise!” replied the owner of the alligator.
The bartender was not amused and again insisted that the man leave.
“Alright,” said the man standing up...

An Alligator sees you later, a Crocodile sees you in awhile. When does a Caiman see you?

This isn't a joke, I want answers. Please. I've never wanted to know anything more.

What do you call alligators interested in real estate?

A: Invest-igators

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How do you get an old lady to yell “fuck”?

Put an alligator in her kitchen.

My local zoo finally figured out why they couldn't get the Male alligator to mate with any of the females.

Turns out he had ereptile dysfunction.

What happens when an alligator drives a boat?

He becomes a navigator

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On a scale of Alligator to Gorilla....

How shitty of a parent are you?

A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator on a leash... (NSFW)

As he walks in, all the patrons of the bar gasp.

The man then says, "Relax. He is very trained. Here; watch!"
He plops his 5 foot long pet alligator on the bar counter and says, "Open!"
The alligator's mouth opens wide, then the man unzips his pants and proceeds to stick his d*ck in it....

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What do you call an alligator who is always having sex?

A Forni-gator.

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Fine, different alligator joke.

A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator, and the bartender says, "hey man you can't have that in here it's dangerous!" The man says, "No no! He's not, look I can prove it that he's not dangerous." The bartender says, "okay, if you can prove that your alligator isn't dangerous, you can keep it ...

A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin...

A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin that she liked.

“How much for these shoes?” – she asked the store manager.

“$300” – he replied.

“That’s too expensive! Can’t you bring the price down?” – the blonde.

The store manager said h...

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A man walks into a pub with an alligator on a lead..

The bartender says "Hey sir, you can't bring that in here, it's dangerous! You'll have to get out."

The man says "This alligator is highly trained and tolerant, you won't have a problem with him, and I'll prove it to you!"

The bartender asks to see the proof, and the man lifts his alli...

The Two Alligators.

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big gator, "what have you ...

One evening an old farmer went down to the pond...

One evening an old farmer went to go down to the pond, as he hasn't been there in a while, he grabbed a five gallon bucket and some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard some voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. H...

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A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator...

Bar man: "You need to leave because if that alligator bites someone I'll get sued!"

Alligator owner: "No no he's tame! Watch I'll prove it."

He then zips down his fly and puts his cock inside the alligators mouth. The alligator keeps its mouth open the whole time. He then zips his pant...

A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator

He asks, _"Do you serve lawyers here?"_

The bartender says, _"Yes, of course we do!"_

The man says, _"OK, I'll have a beer for myself and a lawyer for my alligator."_

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

A. 499

Q. What are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open Door, put elephant in refrigerator, close door

Q. What are four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?

A. Open door, take elephant out of refrigerator, put giraffe in refrigerator, clo...

It's not difficult to tell alligators and crocodiles apart

One will see you later whereas the other will see you in a while.

If two alligators have reach an agreement...

... do they have a crocodeal?

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An alligator decided to have unprotected sex...

Now he has Gatorades.

[NSFW] Alligator joke

A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a b*tch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."
The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."....

A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes.

However, he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your shoes man, I'll go and kill my own "croc!," to which the shopkeeper replied, "By all means, just watch out for those ...

What's it called when an alligator can't please his wife?

A reptile dysfunction.

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A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash

A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash. The bartender says, "Hey, come on man, you can't bring that thing in here, it's dangerous!"

The man responds, "No, watch, I'll prove it to you he is safe". He picks up the alligator and places him on the bar. He then taps the aliigator on t...

A billionaire throws a party for the whole town....

A billionaire throws a party for the whole town. He has everything a billionaire could possibly have including: tennis courts, go cart track, mini-golf, private airplane, and a huge mansion. The main attraction however is the biggest swimming pool you've ever seen, and inside that pool, the worlds ...

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A mysterious millionaire decides to throw a pool party

People all over town receive invitations, and they're confused having never heard from him before. But they all show up to his house and proceed to the backyard, as instructed by a butler. When they're in the backyard, they're all looking around at the amazing landscaping and they all gasp when they...

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My brother is a city sewer inspector. He just came back from a job and told me he found an alligator down there.

What a croc of shit

Why did the alligator and crocodile leave the olympics so upset?

They both cayman last.

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So a man sits down at a bar that has a huge jar full of cash on it...

The man calls the bartender and says "Hey, what's the jar for?" The bartender tells the man that the bar has a challenge where if a customer can complete 3 tasks they will take home all the money in the jar, but if they lose, they have to empty their wallet into it. The man sizes up the jar and asks...

What do you call an alligator that is constantly starting fights with his friends? [OC]

An instigator.

Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small Pistol

Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit.







*This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.*



*What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourse...

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Two alligators were swimming next to a law firm...

*edit: fixed spelling errors.*
...When the first alligator, Kyle, says to the second alligator, Tim, "Jeez Tim, how are you so much bigger than me? When we were kids we were the same size, but now I am tiny and you are huge!" Tim thinks about it for a moment, and asks Kyle, "Well, what do you eat...

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A guy walks into a bar with an alligator...

Everyone freaks out. The bartender says "Hey! You can't bring an alligator in here!"

The guy says "Relax: this is the nicest, most well-behaved gator ever. Watch this."

The guy gently reaches to open the gator's mouth, and the gator lets him. The guy even pushes for the gator to open i...

Two alligators are swimming in the everglades.

Out of the bushes, an airboat comes flying right at them. One of the alligators gets run over. The injured alligator looks at the other in agonizing pain and says "quick! Call Gatorade!"

I was reading an article that said alligators aren't mating this summer

Scientists blamed it on reptile dysfunction

Most of the Alligator shoes sold are of low quality, so I went to the bayou to get my own

28 gators later and none of them are wearing any shoes

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A man walks into a bar, with a huge alligator on a leash...

A man walks into a bar, with a huge alligator on a leash. He walks over to the bar, and orders a beer. The bartender says "Sorry sir. You can't bring that alligator in here! It's a dangerous animal, and you're scaring all of the patrons! True enough, the man looked around, and noticed that everyone ...

One evening, Grandma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to fetch some water...

One evening, Grandma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to fetch some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. Dropping the bucket, he ran back to the kitchen.
“Where’s the water?” she asked him. “And my bucket?”
“I can’t ...

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A man and an alligator walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Whoa man, you can't have an alligator in here!"
The man replies, "Don't worry, its a trained alligator."
Bartender, "I don't care if its trained or not, you can't have a fucking alligator in a bar."
Man, "Alright, check this out." The man then opens the alligator's mout...

I told my pet alligator to stay outside

But he caiman anyway

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An alligator walks into a bar...

An alligator walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says "sorry, we don't serve alligators here."

The alligator is pissed and goes out and puts on a huge hat and trench coat to hide his identity. He comes back in to order a beer.

Bartender sees through the goofy disguise and s...

I want to make an alligator joke...

But I'm afraid I'll get carried away.

Where do alligators that can't accept the truth go?

Da Nile

A blonde was on vacation in Louisiana with her boyfriend

She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay a fortune for them. So she headed out to the swamp, determined to catch herself an alligator. Her boyfriend stayed at the hotel.
Later that day, she stood waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. She he...

On the one hand, I really like petting alligators...

^^^^^there ^^^^^is ^^^^^nothing ^^^^^here.