This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

what do you call a blowjob in the bathroom?

shower head

Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend wanted me to fill the bathtub up with milk

I asked if she wanted it pasteurized.

She said, "No, up to my tits is fine."

Whats the difference between a nun in a church and a nun in a bath ...

One has hope in her soul and One has soap in her hole

I like my women to be like my bath water

So hot I can only stay inside for 30 seconds

I haven't taken a bath since last year!

and by tomorrow, it'll be two

Two monkeys are in a bath...

...the first one goes, “ooh ooh ooh ah ah” and the other one says, “well turn the cold tap on then.”

Six dwarves in a bath were feeling happy. So happy got out.

Once happy got out then they all felt grumpy.

By the time grumpy escaped they were feeling sleepy. Sleepy didn't seem to notice.

The doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath.

I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman patient in a hospital had been in a coma for a number of years. Each day a nurse gave her a bed bath. One day while washing her private parts she notices that the monitor shows an increase in heart rate.

The nurse tells a Doctor, He considers the results and calls her husband. When he arrives the Doctor suggests that oral sex may help. The husband agrees and they pull the curtain around the bed for privacy.

30 minutes later the monitor shows her heart and breathing has stopped, then she flat...

Two monkeys entered a bath.

Monkey 1: Oooh oooh oooh aaah aaah aaah

Monkey 2: Calm down, it isn't that hot

Let me tell you a clean joke. Johny took a bath with bubbles.

Now let me tell you a dirty joke. Bubbles is his neighbor.

My girlfriend asked me to draw her a bath. I filled the tub for her and when she went to get in, she said, "You made it too hot! If I was a child, you would've scalded me!"

I replied, "If you were a child, that wouldn't be the worst thing I've done to you."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Some nurses notice that when they give a comatose woman a sponge bath, her heart monitor starts beeping more when they wipe between her legs.

Out of ways to bring this woman out of her coma, the nurses decided to ask her husband if he would consider oral sex with his wife to see if that would help bring her out of her coma.

​

He was initially hesitant, but they assured him that the curtains would be closed and no ...

A rich man is taking a bath...

And he calls in his butler, Waddle. He says "Waddle, fetch me a glass of wine and my book to read" so Waddle trots off, but as he is leaving, the man farts in the bath.
Waddle returns with the wine, his book and a hot water bottle.
"Why on earth would I want a hot water bottle?" cries the man....

A boy in bath with his mum asks: "What's that hairy thing?

Mum says:"That's my sponge.

The says: "Oh yeah, babysitters got one too. I have seen her washing Dads face with it."

Two monkeys in the bath, one turns to the other and says 'ooo ooo aah aahh!!' to which the other replies..

'Well put some cold in then!'

One day little Timmy was taking a bath...

And his Mom decided to check up on him,
"How are you doing in there Timmy?"
"Fine mom! I'm just blowing bubbles!"
"Ok then" And his mom walks away,
A while later she goes to check up on him again and knocks the door,
"Are you done with your bath yet?"
"Yes mom'
"Can ...

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Two monks having a bath together.

Suddenly one of the monks notices that they forgot the soap. So he leaves the shower and runs to his room completely naked to grab some soap.

Once he's got the soap and is walking back he hears three nuns approaching.

Terrified that they might recognize him he freezes and pretends to b...

While having a bath, a woman hears the doorbell.

"Who is it?" The woman asks.
"It's me! Your blind neighbour!" Replies a manly voice.

The woman thinks to herself "well if it's the blind man, I don't need to put anything on." And opens the door naked.

The blind man in complete shock says "I..... I just came here to tell you that my...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman is sat in the bath

She hears a knock on the door and get nervous.

‘Who is it?’ She asks,

‘It’s the blind man!’ Says the man on the other side of the door.

‘Great’ the woman thought, ‘he’s blind he won’t be able to see me naked’

‘Come in!’ She calls.

The man walks in, has a brief loo...

You know the difference between a woman attending Sunday morning mass and a woman taking a Friday night bath?

One has hope in her soul; the other has soap in her hole.

When I was a baby, my parents used to bath me in really cheap Australian lager...

It wasn't until my 18th birthday that they told me I'd been fostered.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend always takes long baths after we finish watching a Ryan gosling movie

I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Ryan Gosling

Do you know what to do if an epileptic has an attack in bath?

Quickly add your laundry.

What do you do when you see someone having an epileptic fit in a bath tub?

Throw your dirty laundry in.

TIL that dinosaurs used hot springs to take baths

But as time advanced they moved onto meteor showers.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman was just taking a bath when she heard the doorbell.

She thought she’d just pretend not to be home but then the ringer called, “Hello? Anybody home? I’m the blind guy!”

“Ah well, if he is blind I can go and open the door just like this. No need to dress.” thought the lady, hauled herself out of the bath and went to open the door.

“Wow,” ...

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A nun is in the bath and hears a knock at her bathroom door

‘Hello?

‘Yes it’s the blind man I need to ask you for some guidance’

‘Oh sorry, come in and I shall give you some advice’

‘Fucking hell love nice tits, now where do you want these blinds hanging?’

Usually when I get naked in the bath room

The shower gets turned on

What does this joke mean from jimmy kimmel show?

Bed Bath & Beyond is currently offering store credit in exchange for Toys RUs gift cards. Said kids, “Umm… I guess the whiskey decanter?”

Why was Six afraid of Seven?

Because Seven ate nine grams of bath salts and then killed all of the other numbers.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Blind Man

A woman is in a bath and a man knocks in her door, the woman screams out 'Who is it?' and the man goes 'The Blind Man Ma'am!'

The woman figures he's blind and welcomes him inside.

The man walks into a bathroom and says 'Nice tits! Now what window needed blinds?'


My mother to...

Monkey bath

A monkey bath -
A bath that’s so hot, when you step in you go
“Ooo ooo ooo”

I could tell that my parents hated me.

My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Wife asked me to get "bath stuff" for xmas.

Hope she likes her toaster.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A nun was about to take a bath..

She undressed and just as she dipped her holy toe in the water she hears a faint knock on the front door. "Who is it?" she calls. "It's the blind man from down the road!" Shuffling around, unable to find her towel, the nun races to the door and decides it would be okay to open the door. As she open...

The seven dwarves decided to take a bath after a long day's work

They all started to feel sleepy, so Sleepy got out.

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
<...

My wife told me to give the cat a bath..

My tongue was so sore afterwards

What do you call an Owl taking a bath?

... A moist owlette

Ever heard of an Irish bath?

An Irish bath is when you stand at the sink and just wash your armpits. Some people call it a Gypsy bath, or an Italian shower. A French bath is when you just douse yourself in cologne.

Whatever you call it, it’s all just ethnic cleansing.

I asked my husband for a bath bomb for Christmas

He got me a toaster.

My boss has been angry with me recently, and last night he called while I was taking a bath.

I didn't answer because I was in hot water.

What do you call a sad singer in a bath tub....

A soap opera...


(My first joke)

The billionaire was taking his bath when he had to fart...

Not wanting to embarrass himself in front of his manservant, he said "Jeeves, go downstairs and fetch me a cup of coffee."
"Very good, sir" said the butler and made for the bathroom door.
By now the billionaire was struggling to hold it in, but finally Jeeves closed the door behind him. A subs...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was having a bath when the postman knocked on the door. I rushed downstairs to open it.

"Fucking hell, put some clothes on next time!"

"Sorry. This job gets really boring," he replied.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lady just wants to take a bath.

Here’s an original one.


A woman, let’s go with Penny., was preparing to go to a banquet in two hours. She goes to to take a bath. She prepares a clean dry, takes off her clothes and throws them into the dirty hamper. Just as she was about to step foot into the bath, she hears a knock at ...

I had a dream that my friend Martin became the ruler of all bath sponges.

We called him Martin Loofah King.

I dropped my phone in the bath

Now it's syncing.

A woman is taking a bath with her daughter

The daughter looks down and asks her mom, “what’s that?”

The mother replies, “oh that’s just my sponge”

And the daughter says, “ oh! The baby sitter has one too and daddy’s always washing his face with it”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A three year old boy is taking a bath.

A three year old boy is taking a bath.
He plays with his scrotum.
"Is this my brain, mom?"
"Not yet, my son. Not yet."

People always tell me I shouldn't give my cat a bath...

I don't see what the big deal is. Honestly, it's fine once I get all the hair off my tongue.

My girlfriend said we should sit in the bath with candles.

I said, "Water would probably make more sense."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My 5 year old son wouldnt eat his vegetables... NSFW

No matter what I tried he refused. One day it's time for his bath and he doesnt want to.

I ask him what I can do to make him take a bath and he says

"Take it with me."

I say "fuck it. I need a shower too".

We're in the middle of the shower when I notice he's staring at my...

Which bath time toy steals your soap?

The Robber Ducky

How do you make a gypsy take a bath?

Leave it on the front garden.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,

wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and...

My wife complained that long baths feel draining

So I got her a plug.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young son walks in on his mom in the bath

Looking at her vagina, he asks "mom, what is that?"

To protect his youthful innocence, she replies "that's where I was hit with an axe sweetie"

The son replies "Oh god, right on your cunt!"

The Bath Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A nun was sitting in the bath....

....when there was a knock on the door.

Oh no, she thought. I can't let anyone in here while I'm taking a bath. "Who is it?" she called out in trepidation.

"It's the blind man," came the reply.

Well, I suppose if it's a blind man there's no harm letting him in, thought the nun, ...

Why does Tiger have to take so many baths?

Because he plays with Pooh all day.

I took my grandmother to a place that for only 45$ they put you in a bath filled with fish that eat the dead skin off :)

It was cheaper than cremation or a burial!

What do you do when you've finished giving the dog a bath?

Pull the pug out.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Saw a blonde taking a milk bath...

I said: Is it pasturized?

She said: No silly, it's only up to my tits.

I Want To Open A Bath House Staffed Entirely By Minorites

I'll call it Ethnic Cleansing.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman asks her Milkman to fill her bath with milk..

He asks "Do you want that milk pasteurised?",

She replies "No, just up to my boobs please."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Milk Bath

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.

She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point....

So a German installs a bath around his desk...

BADUMTISCH

My wife keeps telling me I shouldn’t pee in the bath

Or if I really have to, I should at least wait till she gets out.

Yo momma so fat, when she wants to take a bath...

She fills up the tub and THEN turns on the water.

(NSFW) Blind guy Jeffery

A woman was having a bath. Soon enough there was a knock on the door. She was still naked. She then shouts out, "Who is it?". "It's just me, Jeffery". Jeffery was the blind guy who lived next door. "No harm if I actually go up naked he can't see anything anyways" she thought to herself. She open...

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little boy is having a bath with his father...

The little boy asks, "Daddy, why is your willy so much bigger than mine?" To which the father responds "well son, that's because I have an erection"

I've been getting into Bath Salts recently...

Nothing major it's just that if I'm gonna smoke crack in the bathtub I want that bath to be exfoliating.

The density of Saturn is so low that the whole planet would float on the water in your bath.

However, you wouldn’t want to try this experiment at home as it would leave a massive ring around the tub.

Why did Stalin go to Bed Bath & Beyond?

He needed an iron curtain

How can you tell if a ballerina hasn't taken a bath in a while?

She does a split and sticks to the floor.

Why did the nurse cuddle with her locked-in syndrome patients right after their sponge bath?

Because she likes her vegetables at the peak of freshness

Did you ever blow bubbles in the bath when you were a little kid?

Because he's back in town and he wants your number.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A nurse is giving a sponge bath to a woman who has been in a coma for months....

When she runs the sponge up the woman's thigh the monitor beeps.
The nurse runs to the doctor and tells him this! He comes back, she does it again, and they are both shocked.
So they call the husband in and tell him what has happened.
"I know this is awkward, but we are going to suggest t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A married woman visited a healer, seeking advice on her relationship

“Please you have to help me. Everyday my husband comes home from work he beats the shit out of me. I don’t know what to do anymore.”

The healer says: “You see, in every man’s soul there is a lot of rage and violence. But as he grows older and wiser, he will learn to control his anger. My anc...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A nun sat naked in the bath, when there's a knock at the door.

"Who's there" she asked.
"Only the blind man" came the reply.
"That's ok, you can come in" she said.
Man comes in, takes a good look and says "Wow - smashing tits. Where do you want this blind fitting then?".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A priest is taking a bath

and realizes he forgot to grab soap. He grabs his towel and runs down the halls of his church to grab some. He gets to the storage closet and grabs 2 bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the tub. As he rounds the corner he hears 3 nuns approaching. Instead of being caught by the nuns in...

So i read this story about a woman who got electrocuted when she dropped her vibrator in the bath

It was a total buzzkill

I called the swimming baths today...

Me: *"Hi, is this the local pool?"*

Guy on the phone: *"Depends where you're calling from"*

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So, I was giving my nephew a bath the the other day......

and he pointed to my penis and asked "Why is your penis bigger than mine?" I looked at him and said "That's because mine is erect!"

I'm going to buy 100 mounted fish and fill a room with them.

When someone comes over and asks where the bathroom is, I'll send them to that room instead. As soon as they come back disappointed, I'll say, "I'm sorry, I thought you said my bassroom!"

An epileptic in the bath.

I was in the pub last night when I told my mates the joke about "What to you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath? Throw your washing in."
Well, bloke on the next table turns round and says very solemnly, "My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath."

The bloke then says "Yeah,...

I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke

What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw in your laundry. The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit." We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."

What do you call alcohol in a bird bath?

Tequila mockingbird

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman is in a coma and her nurses are giving her a sponge bath

They notice when they get near her lower area that her vital signs improve a little. They think oral sex may bring her out of her coma. They go in the waiting room and tell her husband their theory and assure him they will have complete privacy. The nurses leave and come back 15 minutes later and th...

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses.
He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells,
"Was I going up the stairs or com...

A college girl was found dead in her bathtub...

She decided to take a bath after a long day of testing. Unbeknownst to her, her roommate had a fetish of putting a 9-volt battery in the bath to give herself a small electric shock.

This time, however, she left it in the tub. The college girl decided she wanted to put some soothing bath salts...