My 6 year old made this up while taking his bath...

Knock knock

Who's there?

Dwayne

Dwayne who?

Dwayne the tub before I dwown.

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

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A rabbi and a priest wanted to go for a swim at the beach, but did not have bathing suits with them...

The priest turns to the rabbi and says "why don't we just swim naked, there's no one around, and we'll keep it between ourselves".

The rabbi sees no problem with the idea, and agrees.

Once naked, the rabbi and the priest start walking towards the water, when suddenly out of nowhere see...

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A 5 year old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath...

Mom, he asked, are these my brains?
Not yet, she replied.

It is now recommended that high risk groups take mud baths when infected with COVID-19.

It won't save you, but it will help you get used to the feeling of the dirt.

Difference between women coming out of church and women coming out of the bath?

Church women have hope in their souls.

I'm currently learning English (not my native language) and my teacher keeps wearing pentagrams, bathing in lamb's blood, and praising Lucifer

I'm not sure, but I think it's TEFL worship

A little boy and a little girl are taking a bath together

The little girl looks down at the boy and says, “Can I touch it?”. The little boy looks back at her and says, “Hell no, you already broke yours off!”

I don't understand why people say giving cats baths is hard.

I was really enjoying it.

He was too.

Worst part was the fur in my mouth.

The seven dwarfs were all in the bath feeling happy.

Happy never told anyone.

Damn girl, are you a toaster?

Because a bath with you would send me to heaven.

What did Archimedes say after peeing in his bath?

Urethra! Urethra!

Doctor, can I take a bath with diarrhea?

- Well, if you have enough...

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A man with no arms and legs was sun bathing on the beach.

A beautiful blonde was walking past him, stopped for a second with a tang of pity in her eyes.

“Have you ever had a hug?” She asked.
“No.”
So with an “aww”, she gave him a big hug.

Two minutes later, another beautiful woman was walking past the man.

“Aw look at you honey. ...

A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the followin...

I love bath time, it allows me to play with my favorite toys.

My personal favorite is the toaster

Two monkeys sat in a bath...

The first monkey goes “ooh ooh ooh ahh ahh ahh”

Second monkey says “oh I’ll add some cold then”

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A woman is bathing her 7 year old son, the kid looks at his wrinkled ballsack and asks...

Mom, is this my brain?

The mother replies: not yet son, not yet...

What do you call a spy in a bath tub?

Bubble 07

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Are my testicles black

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replie...

What does bread and a bath have in common?

Both can be improved with a toaster

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Quit my job at Bath Tissue today.

I was just sick of everyone talking shit.

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Gave the cats a bath today, made me feel quite manly...

...because now there is wet pussy all over the house

What is the difference between a nun at prayer and a nun in the bath?

When a nun is at prayer her soul is full of hope.

I used to bathe in tomato ketchup

In heinz-site, it wasn't the best idea

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In an historic convent in Ireland, the sisters were accustomed to having visitors from the local town.

One day, a beautiful young nun heard a knock on her dormitory hall door as she was just getting ready for her bath.

"Who's there?" she asked.

A voice replied, "It is Cassidy, the blind man from the village."

She smiled and despite being nude, opened the door.

Cassidy ...

What do you do when someone is having a seizure in a bath tub?

Throw in the laundry.

what did god say when adam told him eve was taking a bath in the ocean

“i’ll never be able to get the smell out of the fish”

A French friend of mine drowned while swimming in a borrowed bathing costume in Mexico during a public holiday...

...she didn't realize it was the *sinky de maillot*.

Yes, you've got to be careful when you tell jokes in public.

I was in the pub with a few mates a while back and one of them was telling this joke, I'm sure you know it:

Q. What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?

A. You throw in your washing.

Then a guy came over fuming and said, "I'm sorry but I don't find that funny. My br...

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In service

A young boy jumps into hot bath, within a few minutes he is calling out to his mum. "mummy something happened to my willy"
The mum rushes upstairs to the boy only to find he has had his first erection.
"Don't worry" said the mum, "your willy is just a totem pole, it becomes hard and upright re...

I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...

What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw in your laundry.

The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."

We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he c...

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My girlfriend always takes long baths after we finish watching a Ryan gosling movie

I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Ryan Gosling

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A nun is in the bath

Shes hears a knock on the door and a man says "can i come in".

"who are you?" she asks nervously.

"Im the blind man" he replies.

"Oh well in that case come in" she says relieved.

The man walks in.

"Nice tits" he says "Now where shall I hang these blinds?"

7 dwarves in a bath and they all felt Happy

So Happy got out.

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I gave my blonde girlfriend a bath in milk

I asked her if she wanted the milk pasteurized. She said "nah just up to my boobs"

I have a special needs daughter, and she hates taking baths.

I don’t blame her. I don’t like soggy vegetables either.

A wife walks in on her husband screwing some woman and says " That's it! I'm leaving you, this is the final straw!"

The man jumps up & says " Hold on, let me explain!" She waits. He tells her this...

"I met this girl at the store & she was broke, dirty & hungry. So I brought her home to help her with what ever I could. I let her take a bath, but before she got in the bath, I thought about those...

A man was sun bathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A women walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift
your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly, it would lift
itself."

Do you want to hear a clean joke?

I took a bath with bubbles.
Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
Bubbles is the girl next door.

One of my buddies told me that I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space, which was an incredibly unnecessary and hurtful thing to say...

Totally ruined our bath...

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Sex is like a bath

It doesn’t end up well if you throw a toaster into it

Wanna know the difference between men and women?

Men can't sell their bath water.

Hey girl, are you a toaster?

Cuz I wanna turn you on and put you in my bath.

We call my Grandpa Spiderman.

Not cause he has super powers, he just has a hard time getting out of the bath tub.

I was giving my cat a bath for the first time.

She just loved it.It was good for me, it was good for the cat.It gave us some precious time together we desperately needed.Ahh,the look on her cute little face was enough to make a trucker melt.The fur got stuck to my tounge,but other than that it was ok.

A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home.

The nurses bathe her and set her in a chair at a window. After a while, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up. Then she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses again rush back to put her upright. This goes on all day. The ne...

A man went to the doctor and the doctor told him, "Sir, I have bad news, you are going to die soon"

The man said, "well that is just terrible, what should I do?"

The doctor told him, "You should take 3 mud baths every day"

The man said, "well, how is that going to help me?"

The doctor says, "It will get you used to the dirt"

A worried guy asks his doctor: can I take a bath with diarrhea? The doc pausing for a moment answers: well, if you have enough

I heard this in Spanish a long time ago. Some editing from my part tho

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Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.

Keep the bath water. In this day and age you can sell that shit.

So I was visiting the mental hospital

and I said to the doctor "How do you find out if someone needs to come here, then?" and he said "Oh, we set them a simple test. We take them into the bathroom and we show them a bath full of water, and we say we want them to empty it and we offer them a choice between a teaspoon, a coffee cup or a b...

What happened after Snow White sat in the bath, feeling happy?

Happy got out, so she felt Grumpy.

When a pregnant woman takes a bath

She’s become a human submarine.

A king sends a scout to the northern part of his territory.

The scout returns and rushes to the King to deliver his report.
"Your Grace, the northerners are revolting!"


The King replies, "I do know that they don't take a bath that often, but isn't it a bit too rude to call them that?"

Teenage boy can't figure out how his friend gets laid all the time -- but he doesn't

He asks his friend how he does it. The friend whispers, "I'll tell you, but keep it a secret." The teenage boy excitedly agrees.

"All you have to do is, before you go to the beach, put a big potato down in your bathing suit. The girls will swarm you in no time."

The teenage boy does as...

My kid asked me what he should get his Mom (my ex) for Mother's Day. I said how about something she can use in the bath?

....like a toaster!

I took a Milk Bath yesterday

I asked my wife to fill the tub. She said "Sure, you want it pasteurized?"

I replied "No, just up to my chest."

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?...

I told a friend that I was bathing in milk, almost totally immersed.

They asked, "Pasteurised?"
#
No, just to my chin.

A young boy is bathing with his mother

Boy says, “Whats that hairy thing mom?”

Mom replies, “That is my sponge.”

“Oh yes,” says the boy, “The babysitters got one, I’ve seen her washing dads face with it.”

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A woman patient in a hospital had been in a coma for a number of years. Each day a nurse gave her a bed bath. One day while washing her private parts she notices that the monitor shows an increase in heart rate.

The nurse tells a Doctor, He considers the results and calls her husband. When he arrives the Doctor suggests that oral sex may help. The husband agrees and they pull the curtain around the bed for privacy.

30 minutes later the monitor shows her heart and breathing has stopped, then she flat...

How does Mike Tyson like his bath?

Grilled.

My doctor told me to drink a brandy with port after a hot bath...

I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath.

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Got into a fight in a bar

Met some new people at the bar and tried to break the ice with some jokes.


Went well, till I went to the more offensive ones. Here's the joke I told:

*"What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw your laundry in."*

One guy goes crazy and h...

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Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, Frank was the first to die and, true to his word, he made the first contact:

"Kris, Kris, can...

Farting in bed

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husbands habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would ple...

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A man and his wife visit Las Vegas for their 15th anniversary. Being the spontaneous couple they always have been the husband decides that their first night he will do all the planning.

They go out a fancy steak dinner and he pays extra to have the band sing their wedding song tableside and serenade his wife. She melts.

He then takes her to a magic show and pays extra to have her involved in the main act as the woman who disappears within the act. She is beaming with joy....

When parents post pictures of their kids in the bath it's normal and cute

But when I save those pictures suddenly I'm a weirdo.

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A disheveled man with a shrunken head walks into a bar.

After a few drinks he starts to relax, so the curious bartender feels comfortable enough to inquire about the man's tiny noggin.

"Sorry to be intrusive.. but how did you end up with such a tiny head?" Asks the bartender.

The man replies: "I was the captain of an elite naval vessel pat...

Wife asked me to get "bath stuff" for xmas.

Hope she likes her toaster.

Do you know what to do if an epileptic has an attack in bath?

Quickly add your laundry.

When I was a kid, we were so poor I had to bathe in the spring.

When money was good, I'd bathe in the fall too.

Gave my cat a bath

I gave my cat a bath the other day… they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, and  it was fun for me too. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that…

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An aging blonde heard that milk can rejuvenate her skin and make her look young again.

So she left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the mistake.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I foun...

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A blonde woman asks a dairy farmer to sell her 40 gallons of milk.

“Certainly, ma’am. Might I ask why you need so much milk?”

The blonde replies: “I’m going to take a bath in it...”

“Ok... no problem” he says. “Do you want it pasteurized?”

“No, just up to my boobs.” She responds. “I can splash it above my eyes.”

Im opening a Russian import store to compete with Bed, Bath & Beyond.

Lenins & more

My wife said she wanted new kitchen appliances or some new bath bombs for our anniversary.

I compromised and bought her a toaster.

As a baby and toddler I was bathed in cheap Australian lager....

It was only when I reached 28 that my parents admitted that I had been Fostered.

Usually when I get naked in the bath room

The shower gets turned on

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NSFW - a little boy walks into the bathroom while mum is in the bath...

"Mum, what's that between your legs?"

"Well darling, that's my axe wound, I got hit with an axe."

The little boy ponders this for a minute.

"What are the chances ? It hit you right in the cunt!"

Six dwarves in a bath were feeling happy. So happy got out.

Once happy got out then they all felt grumpy.

By the time grumpy escaped they were feeling sleepy. Sleepy didn't seem to notice.

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What causes arthritis?

A man smelling of booze and cigarettes sat down on a subway next to apriest. His tie was stained, there was red lipstick on his collar and faceand a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned...

I haven't taken a bath since last year!

and by tomorrow, it'll be two

To break the ice before a lab, we were told to tell our assigned groups the chemical element that represents us...

Sally said Helium because she's carefree and doesn't react to much. John said Potassium cause he loves to bring his energy into things and he's not keen on baths. Mary said Iron because she's malleable and likes to support everyone.
I said Uranium because I'm dense, unstable, and toxic.

A priest is riding on a city bus when...

A priest is riding on a city bus when a drunk gets on and sits next to him. He obviously hasn't had a bath while on this binge. The drunk starts reading a newspaper, then puts it down and says, " Hey, Father, what do you think causes arthritis?". The priest is quite annoyed with this guy, and sharp...

My wife told me robots don't wash themselves.

So I put one in the bath and said "that'll shower"

My girlfriend asked me to draw her a bath. I filled the tub for her and when she went to get in, she said, "You made it too hot! If I was a child, you would've scalded me!"

I replied, "If you were a child, that wouldn't be the worst thing I've done to you."

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[Nsfw] [long] An aging father has decided to go into assisted living

Because he didn't want to burden his son. He had been having trouble around the house and had a few scary falls. His son begged him to stay at his family's house, because he felt that this was the best plan.
"Dad, please! Stay with us! I've heard those places are horrible!" His father says "No wa...

You know the difference between a woman attending Sunday morning mass and a woman taking a Friday night bath?

One has hope in her soul; the other has soap in her hole.

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I have bathed in the blood of virgins!

I had a nosebleed in the shower.

I am one of the few Redditors that bathes on a semi-regular basis.

Which is another way of saying I'm not a mod.

While having a bath, a woman hears the doorbell.

"Who is it?" The woman asks.
"It's me! Your blind neighbour!" Replies a manly voice.

The woman thinks to herself "well if it's the blind man, I don't need to put anything on." And opens the door naked.

The blind man in complete shock says "I..... I just came here to tell you that my...

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