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NSFW - Leprechaun at a urinal

So this guy Jimmy is on a road trip home from college when he stops at a rest stop to relieve himself. As he enters the bathroom he notices a leprechaun at the urinals. He walks up to the urinal next to it and starts doing his business, but while doing so cant help but notice that this leprechaun ha...

Screw dudes who throw cigarettes into urinals

Makes them so difficult to re-light.

Why didn’t the restaurants bathroom have urinals?

It was a sit-down restaurant

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A man decided to tattoo his wife's name on his penis before going to their honeymoon

When erect it proudly reads *Wendy* on the side of his shaft, but when soft it only shows *Wy*.

While on his honeymoon in the Caribbean, he is using the bathroom and notices the guy in the urinal next to him also has a *Wy* on his penis. He then asks the guy if his wife is named Wendy.
...

I saw 3 men standing at the urinals.

The first man, a Jewish guy, was peeing 4 streams.
"What happened to you?" I asked.

He explained "Accident at my circumcision. The rabbi had Parkinson's."

The next man, a big tough trucker, was peeing 6 streams.
"And what is your problem?" I asked.

He grunted "I had a fig...

Someone broke into our local police station and stole all the urinals.

Police say they have nothing to go on.

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I got drunk and fell into the urinal.

I'm pretty pissed.

All the urinals have been stolen from the local police department

The police say they have nothing to go on.

(Source: Mother Goose & Grimm comic strip)

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A guy comes home completely drunk one night.

He lurches through the
door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.

"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden.
It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the ur...

I hate when people leave cigarettes in urinals

It makes them hard to light

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Elevators are a lot like urinals

Everyone’s looking down, nobody’s making eye contact, and my penis is exposed.

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A man is at the urinal when the Dalai Lama walks in and stands next to him.

The man is shocked. He then proceeds to ask, "Oh Your Holiness, may I ask of your wisdom?", the Dalai Lama replies, "Yes my son, you need to look down."

Taken aback, the man asks, "So you mean I need to look deep down into my being?", the Dalai Lama replies, "No my son, you need to look down ...

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A man enters a public toilet and walks to a urinal.

At the adjacent urinal to him is a man with no hands, who is really having trouble trying to take a piss.
After a while of noticing the man's struggle, the guy offers some assistance.
The man with no hands thanks him and accepts the help. He asks if he can take out his penis and aim it at the...

Seen written on the wall over a urinal in the men’s room...

What are you looking at? The joke’s in your hand.

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A sailor and an airman were in a base restroom at the same time. Both used the urinals. After completing his business, the sailor zipped up his fly and turned to leave. The airman glowered at him. "In the Air Force, they teach us to wash our hands after using the restroom."

"Oh yeah?" the sailor replied. "Well, in the Navy they teach us not to piss on our hands."

I went to the Urinal in a bar today

The guy standing next to me said “is this six feet?”. I looked down and said “Mate, you’re lucky if that’s six inches”

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Two men at the urinals

Standing there, doing their business, when one starts to strike up a conversation.

"Excuse me, sir, do you happen to be Jewish?"

"Yes, indeed I am."

"And do you happen to be from Krakow?"

"Yes, how do you know?"

"And you always went to the little synagogue in the P...

I walked into a men’s room but couldn’t pee when I stood at the urinal as there were two people peeing next to me.

Too much peer pressure.

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An American sailor walks up to a urinal and starts peeing...

... A few seconds later, a fellow Irish sailor goes to the urinal next to him and starts peeing. The American's eyes start to wander, and he can't help but look down at the Irish man's penis and notice a "W" and "Y" tattooed down there. "I'm really sorry that I looked over," says the American, "bu...

Apple has released a new device. It's a little camera that sticks to urinals.

It's called the iCUP.

What did one urinal say to the other urinal?

“On a scale of 1 to 10, urinate.”

Here is an actual sign posted in a golf club.

1. Back straight, knees bent.
2. Feet shoulder width apart.
3. Form a loose grip.
4. Keep your head down!
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please...

They recently removed the urinal from our mens washroom at work...

I really miss that urinal. I mean I missed it once in awhile when it was there... But now I really miss it!

How do you evaluate a urinal?

Peer reviews

I visited an art gallery.

"Absolutely gorgeous, don't you think?" I asked the fellow next to me. "The way the yellow combines with the grey...the way the colours intertwine. Truly beautiful."



He slowly stepped away from the urinal and left.

Bob is standing at the urinal in the men's room doing his business. Steve walks up a couple of spaces over from Bob and begins to do his business. Bob glances over and exclaims, "Wow, you're huge!!"

Steve kinda hangs his head and says, "Yeah, I know."

Bob says, "I'm sorry, I just never seen a guy as fat as you. When is the last time you seen your pecker?"

Steve replies, "It's been a long time."

Bob asks, "Why don't you diet?"

Steve says,"Why, what color is it now?"

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In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal.

The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."

The lawy...

Urinal etiquette tips

It’s okay to say “Hi” to the man next to you at the urinal. It’s even okay to say “Hi, how’s it going?” It’s not okay to say “Hi. Nice watch!”

A man walks into a French man in a urinal

“Sorry!” He says, “I didn’t realise European!”

Reading the wall at the urinal...

"Why are you reading this? The joke is in your hand."

I thought, yep. Mine's a real kneeslapper.

Lines for urinals have become an an increasing problem in containing the coronavirus.

So mind your pees in queues.

Written above a urinal.

The jokes not here it's in your hand.

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A bartender starts his shift as usual

and things are going smoothly. He shoots the shit with the regulars, knocking a few back as was his wont. A little later into the night a man walks in and orders a drink. After he gets the drink he sits and starts to talk to his hand. The bartender is confused for sure, he seemed normal enough when ...

What did the Frenchman say to the German at the urinal?

European

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Two Jews are standing at neighboring urinals, when one asks the other...

"were you by any chance circumcised by Shlomo the mohel?"

The second Jew responds "yes, how do you know?"

"because you're peeing on my foot" responds the first.

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A man goes in to a public toilet and sees a man with no arms standing by the urinal. The armless man turns to him and says, ''Could you help me, please? My zip needs undoing."

''Okay.'' says the first man, and he pulls down the man's zip.

The armless man then says, ''Could you take it out for me?''

''Um, well, okay." says the first man. He pulls the armless man's dick out of his pants and sees that it is covered in red bumps, green veins and brown scabs oozi...

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Two Catholic priests were standing at the urinals.

One priest looked over at the other and noticed he had a nicotine patch on his penis. Shocked and appalled, he exclaimed, "That's not where a nicotine patch goes!"

The other priest looks back, smiles and says, "I don't know about you but I'm down to two butts a day."

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Please don't throw cigarette butts in urinals.

It makes them soggy and hard to light.

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Guy walks up to the urinal next to a dark skinned man. As he's doing his thing, he notices the man has a tattoo on his penis.

it says "Wendy". The guy remarks, "Hey! That's interesting! I have a tattoo on my dick too and it has my wife's name Wendy on it as well!"

The dark skinned man looks at him and says "what do you mean? Mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day' "

Two men stand next to each other at a urinal...

One looks to the other and says "Can you guess where I'm from?"
The other guy looks to him, giving him a once over and says: "Well I can clearly see European."

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Three Men Were Using Urinals In a Public Restroom

The first man finished relieving himself, zipped up, strolled to the sinks and proceeded to wash his hands, using plenty of soap and water and doing a splendidly thorough job.
As he was drying his hands (with lots of paper towels), he loftily announced to no one in particular "At Harvard, I lear...

Washing hands

(Joke was funnier before covid)

A soldier and a sailor are at a bar near where they are both stationed. They are standing next to each other at urinals and the soldier gets done first and washes his hands. The sailor gets done and goes right toward the door instead of washing his hands
...

do you know how gandalf uses a urinal?

well first he opens his fly, you fools

Urinals Too High

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathro...

Two Jewish men are standing in the bathroom and peeing in adjacent urinals

the one to the right finishes doing his business, turns around, and says to his neighbor, “Tell me, did Mohel Rabinovich do your bris [i.e. circumcision]?” “Yes,” the other guy responds, “how did you know?!!!” “Well, Rabinovich is a little cross-eyed and you are peeing on my shoes!”

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A Rabbi steps up to a urinal.

As he begins to urinate, a voice beside him says, "My friend, you are a Jew!"



Slightly surprised, he replies, "Okay, so you're some kind of genius. You see my clothing, and my..." (he gestures to his crotch) "... and you figure I'm a Jew. Please let me finish in peace!"


...

The golden urinal

Late one night, a husband returned home from the bar. His wife woke up, and turned on the lights, angry her husband was out late drinking again.
“Where were you”
“Just wait, Honey! I can explain. I didn’t go to my normal bar tonight. I went to this really fancy one with urinals made of gold”...

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An upcoming director, Tim, is having dinner with two prestigious producers in a fancy restaurant.

The director sees Frank Sinatra in the distance walking into the men's bathroom. The director excuses himself and goes in after him.

As Frank pees in one of the urinals the director approaches him and says, “Mr Sinatra, I'm sorry to bother you, but there are two producers I'm trying to impre...

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A man standing at the urinal looks over and sees a Leprechaun

At the urinal next to his. The Leprechaun has a massively huge dick, the guy asks "Hey how did you get your dick so big?". The Leprechaun says, "I'm a Leprechaun, I can have whatever I want.". Pressing, the man says, "How could I make mine that large?". The Leprechaun replies, "If you let me put my ...

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Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory

when Ed glanced over and noticed that Ted’s penis was twisted like a corkscrew. “Blimey,” Ed said. “I’ve never seen one like that before.”

“Like what?” Ted said.

“All twisted like a pigs tail,” Ed said.

“Well what’s yours like?” Ted said.

“Well straight like normal,” Ed s...

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Dirty Leprechaun joke

So an American in Ireland walks into  a bathroom.
And there's a little Irishman taking a piss in the urinal. He goes up to the urinal to piss as well and is shocked at the guys big dick.
The American asks,
"where'd ya get that big dick?"

The Irishman goes,
" Well ya see sonnie, ...

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A middle aged white man steps up to a urinal.

While he is doing his business a large black fellow takes up the stall next to him. Eventually curiosity overrides his better judgement and the white man leans back a bit to see if the rumors are true. Suddenly he notices a tattoo on the black mans penis and explains “Hey no way! You and I have the ...

An American starts using a urinal next to an Englishman

The American turns to him and says "Hey European"

The Englishman replies "I know"

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Golden Urinals

So a man is always cheating on his wife. She finally gets fed up with him and says the next time he gives her a lame excuse, she is going to leave him. A few days later he comes home extremely late.
"So what's the excuse this time," she said.
"Hey, I was drinking all night with my buddies. I...

One time I walked into a bathroom and there were no urinals

I thought, "huh... that's strange." The girls that came in after me were apparently pretty freaked out by it too.

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Picking the middle urinal

...is a real dick move.

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2 Guys At A Urinal NSFW

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being ...

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After buzzing about in a public toilet, how long will a fly generally stay sat on a urinal?

Until it gets pissed off.

TIL. Dont say nice piece to a guy standing next to you at a urinal in texas.

You will get stuck in a gotdamn half hour conversation about how the sw 40 is a far superior round compared to the 9mm.

Hey guys please stop putting half-smoked cigarettes in the urinal

It makes them soggy and makes them hard t light up.

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