UPJOKE
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NSFW - Leprechaun at a urinal

So this guy Jimmy is on a road trip home from college when he stops at a rest stop to relieve himself. As he enters the bathroom he notices a leprechaun at the urinals. He walks up to the urinal next to it and starts doing his business, but while doing so cant help but notice that this leprechaun ha...

so i was in a urinal in the carribbean

And on my love muscle i have my GFs name Wendy tattoed. I was in the urinal next to this dark guy who had the letters W and Y tattooed on his love muscle. I asked him if he had a gf called Wendy as well, he said "Na man. It says Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice stay"

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I found a fly on the edge of the urinal today

I pissed him off

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In which city you will only find urinals in men's toilet?

Detroit, cause you can't get shit in Detroit.

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Three automobile managers at the urinal

The first goes to the sink and dries his hands with so many paper towels that not even the smallest droplet remains. "At Opel, we learn to be extremely thorough," he says.


The second uses only one towel for this and remarks: "At BMW, we also learn to be extremely efficient."


T...

If they found the captain's log in Picard's bathroom, what did they find in the second officers urinal?

Data stream

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A guy comes home completely drunk one night.

He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.

‘Where the hell have you been all night?’ she demands.

‘At this fantastic new bar,’ he says.

‘The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It’s got huge golden doors, a golden floor,...

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This actually happened, and I’m sorry if the joke exists, i dont kno about it and I’m proud.

So I was at a bar, for a long long time. And I went to the bathroom to the urinal, and went about my business.

A drunk as hell guy comes in and goes to the urinal next to me to unleash, and says

“Why you holding on to your dick, is it so small you can’t aim?”

And I INS...

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I got drunk and fell into the urinal.

I'm pretty pissed.

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In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal.

The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."

The lawy...

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At the urinal

Two man, pissing side by side.

"Sorry sir, do you happen to be of the Jewish faith?"

"Erh... yes I am."

"You are from Krakow?"

"Yes."

"And did you always go to the small synagogue in the Lipowitz Street?"

"Yes, do we know each other?"

"I don't think s...

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A navy and army soldier walk into the toilet

They both take a piss into the urinal. As they exit, the army man goes toward the sinks to wash his hands, while the navy man goes straight for the door.



The army man says: "In the army, they taught us to wash our hands after peeing!"



to which the navy man replies: "In ...

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An American sailor walks up to a urinal and starts peeing...

... A few seconds later, a fellow Irish sailor goes to the urinal next to him and starts peeing. The American's eyes start to wander, and he can't help but look down at the Irish man's penis and notice a "W" and "Y" tattooed down there. "I'm really sorry that I looked over," says the American, "bu...

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A man decided to tattoo his wife's name on his penis before going to their honeymoon

When erect it proudly reads *Wendy* on the side of his shaft, but when soft it only shows *Wy*.

While on his honeymoon in the Caribbean, he is using the bathroom and notices the guy in the urinal next to him also has a *Wy* on his penis. He then asks the guy if his wife is named Wendy.
...

I saw 3 men standing at the urinals.

The first man, a Jewish guy, was peeing 4 streams.
"What happened to you?" I asked.

He explained "Accident at my circumcision. The rabbi had Parkinson's."

The next man, a big tough trucker, was peeing 6 streams.
"And what is your problem?" I asked.

He grunted "I had a fig...

Screw dudes who throw cigarettes into urinals

Makes them so difficult to re-light.

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A man enters a public toilet and walks to a urinal.

At the adjacent urinal to him is a man with no hands, who is really having trouble trying to take a piss.
After a while of noticing the man's struggle, the guy offers some assistance.
The man with no hands thanks him and accepts the help. He asks if he can take out his penis and aim it at the...

What did the Scotsman say to the Frenchman at the urinal?

Oui oui.

Seen written on the wall over a urinal in the men’s room...

What are you looking at? The joke’s in your hand.

I went to the Urinal in a bar today

The guy standing next to me said “is this six feet?”. I looked down and said “Mate, you’re lucky if that’s six inches”

Why didn’t the restaurants bathroom have urinals?

It was a sit-down restaurant

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A man goes in to a public toilet and sees a man with no arms standing by the urinal. The armless man turns to him and says, ''Could you help me, please? My zip needs undoing."

''Okay.'' says the first man, and he pulls down the man's zip.

The armless man then says, ''Could you take it out for me?''

''Um, well, okay." says the first man. He pulls the armless man's dick out of his pants and sees that it is covered in red bumps, green veins and brown scabs oozi...

They recently removed the urinal from our mens washroom at work...

I really miss that urinal. I mean I missed it once in awhile when it was there... But now I really miss it!

A man walks into a French man in a urinal

“Sorry!” He says, “I didn’t realise European!”

Urinal etiquette tips

It’s okay to say “Hi” to the man next to you at the urinal. It’s even okay to say “Hi, how’s it going?” It’s not okay to say “Hi. Nice watch!”

I walked into a men’s room but couldn’t pee when I stood at the urinal as there were two people peeing next to me.

Too much peer pressure.

Reading the wall at the urinal...

"Why are you reading this? The joke is in your hand."

I thought, yep. Mine's a real kneeslapper.

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Elevators are a lot like urinals

Everyone’s looking down, nobody’s making eye contact, and my penis is exposed.

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A man went to a tattoo parlor...

The artist asked, "What would you like your tattoo to be?"

"Well, I was hoping to get 'Wendy' , that's my wife's name, " The man answers.

"Alright, and where do you want it?"

The man says, "I would like it on my penis."

"Alright. One thing; it'll say 'Wendy' on it w...

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Guy walks up to the urinal next to a dark skinned man. As he's doing his thing, he notices the man has a tattoo on his penis.

it says "Wendy". The guy remarks, "Hey! That's interesting! I have a tattoo on my dick too and it has my wife's name Wendy on it as well!"

The dark skinned man looks at him and says "what do you mean? Mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day' "

Written above a urinal.

The jokes not here it's in your hand.

Bob is standing at the urinal in the men's room doing his business. Steve walks up a couple of spaces over from Bob and begins to do his business. Bob glances over and exclaims, "Wow, you're huge!!"

Steve kinda hangs his head and says, "Yeah, I know."

Bob says, "I'm sorry, I just never seen a guy as fat as you. When is the last time you seen your pecker?"

Steve replies, "It's been a long time."

Bob asks, "Why don't you diet?"

Steve says,"Why, what color is it now?"

How do you evaluate a urinal?

Peer reviews

The golden urinal

Late one night, a husband returned home from the bar. His wife woke up, and turned on the lights, angry her husband was out late drinking again.
“Where were you”
“Just wait, Honey! I can explain. I didn’t go to my normal bar tonight. I went to this really fancy one with urinals made of gold”...

Someone broke into our local police station and stole all the urinals.

Police say they have nothing to go on.

Two men stand next to each other at a urinal...

One looks to the other and says "Can you guess where I'm from?"
The other guy looks to him, giving him a once over and says: "Well I can clearly see European."

I hate when people leave cigarettes in urinals

It makes them hard to light

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Two recent college graduates walk into the mens room at the same time.

They proceed to the urinals to relieve their bladders. When they finish one walks to the sink and washes his hands.
The other about to exit without washing his hands.
Sink guy- at Harvard they taught us to wash our hands after using the restroom.
Other guy- at my college they taught us not...

An American starts using a urinal next to an Englishman

The American turns to him and says "Hey European"

The Englishman replies "I know"

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2 Guys At A Urinal NSFW

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being ...

Had an embarrassing moment earlier. Farted really loudly when I lifted something heavy....

Had to apologise to the guy at the next urinal.

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A sailor and an airman were in a base restroom at the same time. Both used the urinals. After completing his business, the sailor zipped up his fly and turned to leave. The airman glowered at him. "In the Air Force, they teach us to wash our hands after using the restroom."

"Oh yeah?" the sailor replied. "Well, in the Navy they teach us not to piss on our hands."

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Picking the middle urinal

...is a real dick move.

All the urinals have been stolen from the local police department

The police say they have nothing to go on.

(Source: Mother Goose & Grimm comic strip)

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A Rabbi steps up to a urinal.

As he begins to urinate, a voice beside him says, "My friend, you are a Jew!"



Slightly surprised, he replies, "Okay, so you're some kind of genius. You see my clothing, and my..." (he gestures to his crotch) "... and you figure I'm a Jew. Please let me finish in peace!"


...

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A man walks into a pub in Ireland...

After downing several pints, he heads to the loo to take a huge piss.

At the urinal next to him, there's a really short guy, wearing all green, with a top hat and a pipe. He takes a quick peek and sees the short guy has a huge dick.

Irish guy is drunk and decides to say, "I'd do anythi...

As a good deed, I leaned over and hugged someone who looked disappointed.

The guy at the urinal didn't seem to appreciate it, though.

TIL. Dont say nice piece to a guy standing next to you at a urinal in texas.

You will get stuck in a gotdamn half hour conversation about how the sw 40 is a far superior round compared to the 9mm.

Why do Spanish urinals have splash guards?

Because they piso mojado.

do you know how gandalf uses a urinal?

well first he opens his fly, you fools

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A man standing at the urinal looks over and sees a Leprechaun

At the urinal next to his. The Leprechaun has a massively huge dick, the guy asks "Hey how did you get your dick so big?". The Leprechaun says, "I'm a Leprechaun, I can have whatever I want.". Pressing, the man says, "How could I make mine that large?". The Leprechaun replies, "If you let me put my ...

Hey guys please stop putting half-smoked cigarettes in the urinal

It makes them soggy and makes them hard t light up.

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After buzzing about in a public toilet, how long will a fly generally stay sat on a urinal?

Until it gets pissed off.

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So a guy walks into a bathroom and sees another guy with no arms staring sadly at the urinal.

He feels bad for the guy, but doesn't want to get involved, so he just does his business and tries to get outta there as fast as possible. As he's washing his hands he sees the other guy walk up behind him in the mirror. 'Fuck,' the guy thinks, 'where is this going?' "Excuse me," the amputee says, "...

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