My wife is constantly washing up.

6 times now I have dragged her body out to sea

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a prostitute and a washing machine?

A washing machine doesn't spit my load out when it's done

A farmer’s wife is looking out the window as she is washing some dishes and sees her son walking home from school.

The son is visibly angry. As he’s walking he kicks a pig. He continues to walk and kicks a chicken. When he gets inside the house the mother confronts him.

She says, “I saw what you did out there. For kicking the pig you get no bacon for one week and for kicking the chicken you get no eggs f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s Saturday morning. Bob’s just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon.

So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and calls home.
“Hello?” says a little girl’s voice.
“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,” says Bob. “Is mommy near the phone?”
“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.”

After a brief pause, Bob says, “But you haven’t got an Uncle Frank, honey...

Washing Dishes In The Countryside

Jim visited his 90-year-old grandpa who lived way out in the country. On the first morning of the visit, Jim's grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs. Jim noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandpa replied, "They're as clean as cold wa...

Where does the Devil do his washing up?

In Helsinki

I find washing my feet to be a very religious process.

It's truly sole cleansing

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised,...

A man is washing his car with his son. The son says “dad..

can we use the sponge now”

If a boy is washing his face, then he is ready to go somewhere

If a girl is washing her face, then its confirm she's not going anywhere

Whats the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?

A washing machine doesnt follow you around for a week after you put a load in it

Husband is walking behind his wife and says, "Your bottom is getting so big it looks like an old washing machine."

The woman keeps quiet and
keeps walking.
Bedtime comes around, the
husband starts getting
amorous.
Wife says: "I'm not starting
the old washing machine for
such a small load. You'll have
to do it by hand!"

As I sat there scratching my ass, and spying on my neighbor washing her beaver, one thing crossed my mind.

We have really weird pets in my neighborhood.

The hairdresser was washing my hair, she said "Do you want any conditioner?"

I said, "Extra volume?" and she said "DO YOU WANT ANY CONDITIONER?!"

Sharing a washing machine in college

I was going to the college laundry room to wash my clothes and noticed someone left their clothes in the dryer that I had booked.

Naturally I just went to take it out, but just as I did, a girl walked in, and saw me with my arms full of her towels and underwear.

She gave me a very we...

Things you can say about your washing machine that you can't to say about your girlfriend

"She can fit four loads inside her."

"Sometimes she gets really noisy during the spin cycle."

"If I leave it inside her too long, it starts to smell funny. "

"Got her half off, she was a steal!"

"She always leaves my sheets soaked. "

"I've lost so many socks inside...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman patient in a hospital had been in a coma for a number of years. Each day a nurse gave her a bed bath. One day while washing her private parts she notices that the monitor shows an increase in heart rate.

The nurse tells a Doctor, He considers the results and calls her husband. When he arrives the Doctor suggests that oral sex may help. The husband agrees and they pull the curtain around the bed for privacy.

30 minutes later the monitor shows her heart and breathing has stopped, then she flat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife caught me pissing in the kitchen sink and got really mad at me. "You fucking prick, that's so inappropriate!" she screamed. "Well, so is washing the baby in there, but I don't angry at you about that!" I shouted back.

I think she realized she'd lost the argument, because she didn't even reply. She just lifted the baby out of the sink and went upstairs...

I dropped my wife's epilepsy medicine in the washing machine instead of fabric softener.

Now her clothes don't fit.

Hit my head opening the washing machine this morning

Bosch

Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water?

Can't work it out. But more importantly, where is my hamster?

I wish my husband's 1 minute is the same as my washing machine's 1 minute.

Where you lost track of time waiting for it to be over.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My next-door neighbour accused me of stealing her underwear from her washing line.

I was so shocked I almost crapped her pants.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Washing your own car is like wanking.

I’d rather do it myself than have a guy do it in the car park of a mall.

I saw a news story about teens getting high while washing in the shower...

They said it was leading to harder drug use and a real slippery soap.

So this guy is washing his car with his son one day

They work for a couple hours in silence, then the son says, "Dad, can't you just use a rag?"

I'd really like to start a career in mirror washing

It's something I could really see myself doing.

I was just washing up in the kitchen with the back door open, when an owl suddenly flew in, dried all the pots, put them away and flew off.

it was a Teat Owl

Looking out of the window I saw a neighbour stealing my socks off the washing line

I was going to confront him but I got cold feet

It took Gandhi over a month to cross the Alps barefoot, no washing, worn out, and survived only on garlic. He was a...

Super-calloused fragile mystic, extra halitosis.

Some of my clothes are getting ripped to shreds when I use the washing machine.

It keeps happening every time. I think it's a vicious cycle.

So my washing machine caught fire today

The good news is I was able to get my washing and drying done all in one go.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the washing machine laugh?

..Because it was taking the piss out of the sheets

There's a washing basin knocking on my door.

Let that sink in...

My wife came rushing in out of the garden and said, "There's a pair of my knickers missing off the washing line."

I said, "I know, the two kids from next door have them." She said, "The dirty little perverts." I said, "It's nothing like that, they mentioned something about building a hammock."

My wife is really mad at me because I accidentally handed her washing soda instead of baking soda.

It left her foaming at the mouth.

A new line of Samsung washing machines was launched today

16 injured

I was so hungry the other day that I ate some washing detergent.

It didn't fill me up but it did Tide me over until dinner.

[washing hands after delivering a baby]

That thing really didn't want to fit in the mail box.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which one is different from the other three and why - a fridge, a washing machine, a tv or a woman?

Most people say it's the tv because it's the only one that doesn't belong in the kitchen but they are sexist. It's the tv because it's the only one that doesn't leak when it's fudked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently it's inappropriate for a group of white kids to put on a play of Aladdin, as it is racially insensitive and cultural appropriation. Possibly white washing.

I wonder if we'll see more Jews in Nativity Pageants come Christmas season this year.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Honey, you know that new washing machine we just bought..

A wife had just made her husband a nice breakfast as she was in need of a few things and her husband was just a complete A** Hole.

So, the husband is reading the paper, and the wife says, "Honey, you know that new washing machine we just bought, well something is wrong with it, it won't go in...

Hey girl, are you a washing machine?

Coz you're making my pants wet!!!!

Only 1% of population uses the labels on clothes to check washing method

The remaining 99% believes that the label is to see where the back side is.

I was washing the dishes when a drop of the dishwashing liquid I was using somehow got to my eye. It stung so bad I started crying.

I guess this is what they call tears of Joy™.

Johnny walks out of the bathroom without washing his hands

A man named Leonard approaches him and says, "I went to Harvard and they taught us to wash our hands after peeing."
Johnny looks at him and says, "I went to the University of Georgia and they taught us not to pee on our hands."

What do you call it when you put syrup in the washing machine?

A viscous cycle

I was arrested for washing my pants without taking the cash out of my pockets.

They charged me for laundering money.

You know why washing machines are so good at what they do?

Because all they do is rinse and repeat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny's Mom is Washing the Dishes.

She looks out the kitchen window and sees Johnny in the back yard with the a handful of M&M's in one hand and a cat my the tail in the other. He takes a few steps, eats some M&M's, then bites the cat on the tail, then repeats the whole thing. His mother comes out and asks him what is he doin...

A navy recruit has his first day on the submarine

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my wife, "no man should spend more time washing dishes than he does having sex!"

Our new dishwashing service is great.

Grandma started obsessively washing her windows several times each week...

...I asked her what's up with that, I mean - they're sparkling clean already, you don't have to do that.

She replied:

Someone called me last week and told me that my windows installation had a serious virus infestation.

Husband: "I have good news and bad news"

Wife: "Tell me the bad news first."

Husband: "The washing machine broke."

Wife: "And the good news?"

Husband: "The dogs are clean."

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.