Me : *Washing car with son*

Son : "Dad.. Can't you just use a sponge...?"

I woke up this morning and found my wife washing a big mac in the kitchen sink..

Me: Honey, what are you doing?
Wife: The doctor told me I need to lose weight, and I should start by cleaning up my diet.

I hate the sound of my washing machine.

Its so agitating!

My wife is constantly washing up.

6 times now I have dragged her body out to sea

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What's the difference between a prostitute and a washing machine?

A washing machine doesn't spit my load out when it's done

I would tell you a joke about my washing up liquid...

But it’s not Fairy Original

Forgetting to check your pockets for money before washing clothes could land you in some trouble.

Laundering money is illegal.

A farmer’s wife is looking out the window as she is washing some dishes and sees her son walking home from school.

The son is visibly angry. As he’s walking he kicks a pig. He continues to walk and kicks a chicken. When he gets inside the house the mother confronts him.

She says, “I saw what you did out there. For kicking the pig you get no bacon for one week and for kicking the chicken you get no eggs f...

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It’s Saturday morning. Bob’s just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon.

So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and calls home.
“Hello?” says a little girl’s voice.
“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,” says Bob. “Is mommy near the phone?”
“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.”

After a brief pause, Bob says, “But you haven’t got an Uncle Frank, honey...

Where does the Devil do his washing up?

In Helsinki

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Washing Dishes In The Countryside

Jim visited his 90-year-old grandpa who lived way out in the country. On the first morning of the visit, Jim's grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs. Jim noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandpa replied, "They're as clean as cold wa...

I find washing my feet to be a very religious process.

It's truly sole cleansing

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At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other.

The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and ...

As I sat there scratching my ass, and spying on my neighbor washing her beaver, one thing crossed my mind.

We have really weird pets in my neighborhood.

Husband is walking behind his wife and says, "Your bottom is getting so big it looks like an old washing machine."

The woman keeps quiet and
keeps walking.
Bedtime comes around, the
husband starts getting
amorous.
Wife says: "I'm not starting
the old washing machine for
such a small load. You'll have
to do it by hand!"

If a boy is washing his face, then he is ready to go somewhere

If a girl is washing her face, then its confirm she's not going anywhere

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A woman patient in a hospital had been in a coma for a number of years. Each day a nurse gave her a bed bath. One day while washing her private parts she notices that the monitor shows an increase in heart rate.

The nurse tells a Doctor, He considers the results and calls her husband. When he arrives the Doctor suggests that oral sex may help. The husband agrees and they pull the curtain around the bed for privacy.

30 minutes later the monitor shows her heart and breathing has stopped, then she flat...

The hairdresser was washing my hair, she said "Do you want any conditioner?"

I said, "Extra volume?" and she said "DO YOU WANT ANY CONDITIONER?!"

A navy recruit has his first day on the submarine

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

The stutterer

So a guy with a stutter wants to ask his girlfriend to marry him. However, every time he tries, he gets nervous and stutters so badly he can barely get a word out. So he goes to a friend and asks for advice.

The friend says, "Here's what you do. Instead of coming right out and asking her, ask...

A daughter accidentally sees her mother getting out of the shower...

The girl points at the mom’s pubic hair and says “Mommy, what’s that?” The mom, not knowing how to respond, replies “Uh, it’s my washcloth”. The daughter accepts this answer and runs off to play.

About two weeks later, the mother finds herself in the same precarious situation. “Mommy! Where d...

Whats the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?

A washing machine doesnt follow you around for a week after you put a load in it

I dropped my wife's epilepsy medicine in the washing machine instead of fabric softener.

Now her clothes don't fit.

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A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

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My wife caught me pissing in the kitchen sink and got really mad at me. "You fucking prick, that's so inappropriate!" she screamed. "Well, so is washing the baby in there, but I don't angry at you about that!" I shouted back.

I think she realized she'd lost the argument, because she didn't even reply. She just lifted the baby out of the sink and went upstairs...

Things you can say about your washing machine that you can't to say about your girlfriend

"She can fit four loads inside her."

"Sometimes she gets really noisy during the spin cycle."

"If I leave it inside her too long, it starts to smell funny. "

"Got her half off, she was a steal!"

"She always leaves my sheets soaked. "

"I've lost so many socks inside...

Hit my head opening the washing machine this morning

Bosch

Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water?

Can't work it out. But more importantly, where is my hamster?

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A man walks into the pub bathroom...

He notices a dwarf by the urinal. The dwarf appears to be drunk as hell as he's swaying and seems to be making an effort not to puke. The man goes to the urinal and does what he came here to do.

As he turns to go to the sink and wash his hands the dwarf splutters:
\- Hey... hey you!
<...

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What is a pansexual's guilty pleasure activity?

Washing the dishes.

I wish my husband's 1 minute is the same as my washing machine's 1 minute.

Where you lost track of time waiting for it to be over.

Bob was riding a bike. Bob fell off the bike. Why did Bob fall off?

Someone threw a washing machine at him

There was once an angel who was very happy with life because she was very beautiful and she always got to wear pretty, perfect dresses.

One day, when she ran out of clothes to wear, she decided to wash them. When she took her dresses out of the washing machine, she noticed several small pieces of fibre were just stuck randomly on her pieces of dressing.

This incident absolutely traumatized her. She was always known for how pe...

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True story

My wife comes at home in a hurry:

**—** Honey, I'm late for my gynecologist appointment! Don't have time to shower and shave, I'll just wash down there and I'll go. 5 min later she rushes out the door.

When she comes back, she's angry as hell:

**—** That son of a bitch, he's bee...

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My next-door neighbour accused me of stealing her underwear from her washing line.

I was so shocked I almost crapped her pants.

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Washing your own car is like wanking.

I’d rather do it myself than have a guy do it in the car park of a mall.

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
<...

On my Bucket list:

1. Pail
2. Mop Bucket
3. Ice Bucket
4. Car Washing Bucket
5. Climb Mt. Everest
6. Livestock Bucket

So this guy is washing his car with his son one day

They work for a couple hours in silence, then the son says, "Dad, can't you just use a rag?"

Wash. Biol. Surv.

A biological survey team in Washington state was tracking the migrations of crows. They trapped a number of crows, tagged them with the code WASH. BIOL. SURV. together with a box number, and released them.

Some weeks later they received a letter from an up-country farmer, reading as follows...

I saw a news story about teens getting high while washing in the shower...

They said it was leading to harder drug use and a real slippery soap.

A guy goes into the bar and sits down and orders a drink.

Other than the bartender, there's no one else in the place.

All of a sudden he hears a voice say, "Nice suit."

He looks around and doesn't see anyone and the bartender looks busy washing some glasses.

A little while later the same voice says, "Nice tie."

The guy looks a...

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Three insurance salesmen were each boasting about there service.

The first one said, "Last month, when one of my insured died suddenly, I got the news within six hours. A check was mailed to his wife the next day." "That's nothing," says the second salesman. "Last week, when one of my insured died suddenly, I got the news within forty-five minutes. That afternoon...

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