The husband entered the shower, when his wife had just finished washing herself and left the bathroom.

Suddenly, the door-bell rang.
The wife quickly wrapped herself in a towel and ran to open the door.
A neighbour, Jack, was standing there.
Seeing the woman, he said: “I’ll give you 1000$, if you take off the towel”.
After thinking for 5–10 seconds, the woman took off the towel.
The ne...

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Washing Machine

Husband and wife decide to make a password for sex, they decide on ‘washing machine’. 
Later in bed that night husband says, “Washing machine.” 
Wife replies, “Not tonight darling I have a headache.” 
Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, “Washing machine.” 
Husband repli...

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My neighbour came over and complained some items of clothes were missing from her washing line....

....I was so nervous she'd find out it was me, I almost shit her pants.

I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke about, “What would you do if an epileptic was having a fit in the bath....throw the washing in”

However, the guy on the next table said, “My brother is epileptic and had a fit in the bath, and died."

If the ground could have swallowed me up I'd of been happy. I said, “Sorry to hear that, mate. Did he drown?"

He said, "No, he choked on a sock"

Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.

He said: ‘dad, can’t you just use a sponge?’

I dropped my phone while washing the dishes

Guess it is in sync now .....

Who does a ladder call for help if it gets stuck in a washing machine?

Its step ladder.

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A woman scolds her husband for not fixing the washing machine...

He scoffs at her and says, "What do I look like, the Maytag man?". The washing machine goes unfixed. Later that week, the pipes under the sink keep getting backed up so she asks her husband to fix that. He rolls his eyes and says, What do I look like, Mr. Clean?". A couple days later, she notices a ...

I reached into the washing machine to find my favorite shirt destroyed. It looks like it was murdered.

It was a casual T.

Whats the difference between a woman and a washing machine?

You can drop a load in a washer and it doesn't follow you around for two weeks.

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
<...

I was hand washing my clothes the other day...

Got a little dizzy during the spin cycle.

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My wife caught me pissing in the kitchen sink, and got really mad at me. "You fucking prick, that's so inappropriate!" she screamed. "Well, so is washing the baby in there, but I don't angry at you about that!" I shouted back.

I think she realised she'd lost the argument, because she didn't even reply.

She just lifted the baby out of the sink and went upstairs...

The local nun has always been washing and hanging her clothes outside the church every other day for decades.

But recently, when it came time to collect the dried clothes, it was at least -30C and she just broke her habit.

After eating fries covered in ketchup, I accidentally rubbed my eyes without washing my hands. Luckily, I'm able to see just fine.

You know what they say. Heinzsight is 20/20.

Once management wants you fired, you’ll be fired

A king had 10 wild ferocious dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him. A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn't like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said, "I have served you loyally f...

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Lady from Nextdoor just knocked and accused me of stealing washing from her line.

I was so intimidated I tell you, I nearly pissed her pants.

“You’re children’s clothes smell great. It’s like they just came out of the washing machine!!”

They did. They were screaming.

Since we’ve all started washing our hands...

...next week we will begin shapes and colors.

How do you get a washing machine to shut up?

Put a sock in it

My doctor told me to sing a song while washing my hands

I sang American Pie and now my hands are bleeding.

Hand Washing Lyrics

**Neil Diamond:** Hands...
**NHS:** Yep, wash them for 20 seconds
**Neil Diamond**: Touching hands..
**NHS:** No, don't do that
**Neil Diamond:** Reaching out..
**NHS:** Errrr, avoid that too
**Neil Diamond:** Touching me..
**NHS:** Oh no
### **Neil Diamond:**...

Show me a fella with poor hand washing technique

and I’ll show you a man who finishes in under 20 seconds

Since everybody has now started washing their hands,

The peanuts at the bar have lost their taste

A new Navy recruit has his first day on a submarine..

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

What kind of show encourages the most hand-washing?

Soap operas

[Dark] Now that everyone is washing their hands throughly

Can we get a virus that would make people park properly?

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Three guys died the same day

3 guys all died on the same day, and they're standing in line before Peter and the pearly gates.

Peter says "ayy fellas, I'm a little full today. I tell you what. Whichever one of you has the best death story gets in today."

So ol' Pete pulls the first guy over and asks how he dies. ...

What's worse than attaching a baby to a washing line and spinning it around at 100mph?

Stopping it with a shovel.

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A man is walking behind his wife and says, "Your butt is starting to look like and old washing machine."

She ignores him and keeps on walking.
Later that night, he is getting frisky and feeling her up. She turns around and tells him,

"Sorry your load is too small for this old washing machine, better do it by hand."

A worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" she said. "What kind of a day are you having?"

"Oh, mother," said the woman on the phone, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and...

My grandma told me this joke and I felt like I needed to share it.

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain tha...

What kind of dish washing liquid does a zombie use?

Dawn of the Dead.

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A Few Very Important Lessons You Will Learn Only After You Have Kids

A "King Style" water bed contains enough water to turn a 200 Sq m apartment into a 12 cm deep lake.

The voice of a 4 year old can deafen 200 normally talking adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you tie a dog leash to a room fan, the motor of the latter is not powerful enough to lift 23...

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It’s Saturday morning. Bob’s just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon.

So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and calls home.
“Hello?” says a little girl’s voice.
“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,” says Bob. “Is mommy near the phone?”
“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.”

After a brief pause, Bob says, “But you haven’t got an Uncle Frank, honey...

I woke up this morning and found my wife washing a big mac in the kitchen sink..

Me: Honey, what are you doing?
Wife: The doctor told me I need to lose weight, and I should start by cleaning up my diet.

2020 love life

The washing machine has seen me naked more often than anyone else.

I swear

I went to US a few years ago and asked for directions to nearest gas station.

A dude comes up and says" Go straight for 3.5 football field and you will see there is a 4.2 washing machine wide road and 6.8 fridge wide road. Go in the fridge road and you will see the gas station after your c...

A farmer’s wife is looking out the window as she is washing some dishes and sees her son walking home from school.

The son is visibly angry. As he’s walking he kicks a pig. He continues to walk and kicks a chicken. When he gets inside the house the mother confronts him.

She says, “I saw what you did out there. For kicking the pig you get no bacon for one week and for kicking the chicken you get no eggs f...

People keep telling me the fact I lost my ability to smell could be due to Corona and I should get tested.

That's nonsense, I think it's due to the frequent washing.

My wife is constantly washing up.

6 times now I have dragged her body out to sea

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A woman patient in a hospital had been in a coma for a number of years. Each day a nurse gave her a bed bath. One day while washing her private parts she notices that the monitor shows an increase in heart rate.

The nurse tells a Doctor, He considers the results and calls her husband. When he arrives the Doctor suggests that oral sex may help. The husband agrees and they pull the curtain around the bed for privacy.

30 minutes later the monitor shows her heart and breathing has stopped, then she flat...

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Good jokes.

Q. What's the ultimate rejection?

A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
X------------------------X
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I...

I would tell you a joke about my washing up liquid...

But it’s not Fairy Original

Where does the Devil do his washing up?

In Helsinki

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A long time married couple are walking by a shop when they suddenly notice a sign that reads "If you lift this 21" laptop with your dick, it's yours!"

... The husband goes in, lifts the laptop with his dick with great ease, and wins it. Everyone cheers for him.

A month goes by and the wife notices that the husband is no longer getting frisky with her. She tries everything to get him to make love to her. Nothing works.

Fed up and in t...

As I sat there scratching my ass, and spying on my neighbor washing her beaver, one thing crossed my mind.

We have really weird pets in my neighborhood.

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So a guy sits in a bar... (long)

(Sorry about formatting I’m on mobile)
...and he decides himself to go use the bathroom. When he enters he goes straight to the urinal. While doing his thing he notices the guy next to him is incredibly small, so much so that he only goes up to his stomach.
Now the keeps looking at the little ...

Forgetting to check your pockets for money before washing clothes could land you in some trouble.

Laundering money is illegal.

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God is walking through the Garden of Eden one morning, when he sees Adam sitting by himself, grinning from ear to ear.

God says to Adam, "you're looking very happy this morning! Has something good happened?"

"Oh yes" Adam replies. "This morning we found out why I have a penis and Eve has a vagina! It was *awesome*. We're going to call it 'sex'!"

God is shocked. "Adam, what you have done is a sin! You a...

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Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!

Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.

Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold...

What gets wetter as it dries?

A woman with a fetish for washing up

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Washing Dishes In The Countryside

Jim visited his 90-year-old grandpa who lived way out in the country. On the first morning of the visit, Jim's grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs. Jim noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandpa replied, "They're as clean as cold wa...

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