Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?

To see the battle.

I was at a barber shop in Bangkok and I asked to get my hair dyed, and for the barber to surprise me. I noticed that it was taking a bit longer than hair dyeing normally would, and when I looked at the finished job in the mirror, I noticed that they were in rainbow swirls.

When I asked the barber, "What is this?" he told me,"Well, it's a Thai dye."

Working in a mirror factory would be pretty cool.

I could totally see myself doing it.

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

An idiot has a mirror in his closet.

He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops

“Police! There’s a burglar in my closet, come quickly!”
A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror.

He takes a step back and slaps the idiot as h...

Mirror mirror on the wall

Why is my pp so small

Still can't decide if I need a mirror or not

I need to reflect on this

My neighbour is a clown for childrens parties. Evertime I turn my back to get ready for bed, he sneaks into my house in full costume and starts banging my wife. I can see them, in the mirror, going at it while I'm brushing my teeth.

They keep on telling me that I'll look back and laugh at it one day.

"Mirror Mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" "You are fair my queen, but Snow White is fairer."

Earlier:

Mirror: "Send Nudes"

Snow White: "Ok" *Takes off dress*

You can kiss yourself in the mirror, but only on the lips.

**Go and try yourself**

Mirrors be like...

I've got some reflecting to do

Fun fact: French tanks in WWII had rear-veiw mirrors.

This allows them to see the frontline too.

Did You Ever Hear The One About Two Guys Hanging A Mirror?

Two guys are putting up a mirror in their buddy's house during a remodel. Being DIY novices, they struggle all day. Finally, they get the mirror hung in place, but it looks awful. Uneven. Smeared. Just horrible. So their buddy walks in to check on them and is instantly upset, knowing his wife will b...

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Two cups find a mirror on the floor.

One cop picks it up and says, "Hey, this face looks familiar."

He hands the mirror to the second cop, who looks at it, and says, "You're onto something, I've definitely seen this guy before."

Taking matters seriously, they go find their commander at the police station. They explain wha...

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That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

What sits in front of the mirror and gets smaller and smaller?

My self esteem.

My wife looked into the mirror and said "I feel fat and it's making me depressed."



"Well then," I replied "stop touching it."

You’re speeding down a road when you see red and blue lights in your rearview mirror...

You tense up and pull over to the side of the road. The cop pulls over behind you on a police motorcycle. You’re perspiring hastily at the thought of getting a ticket. The cop approaches your vehicle and says “Do you know how fast you were growing?”

You say “Yes officer, I was going fifteen ...

A pensioner drove his brand new BMW to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him...

He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought,

"I'm too old for this nonsense !"

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,

"Sir, my ...

Why did Spiderman hate driving in the city with his evil twin from the mirror universe?

Because he was a bad parallel Parker.

An old woman was sitting next to her fire one day when suddenly a spark jumped out and turned into a fairy.

The fairy told the old woman she could have three wishes.

The old woman thinks for a while and then asks for the following:

1) she wants 10 million dollars

2) she wants to be 18 years old again

3) she wants her faithful tomcat, Tiger, to be turned into a healthy 19 year o...

A fight was started downtown by a man wearing a suit made completely of mirrors

The police said the man apologized once he had time to sit down and reflect.

Visitor: My favorite part of the zoo is the cage that says 'World's most dangerous animal' and it's just a mirror in it

Zookeeper: Yup, thought-provoking stuff. \*Whispering into phone\* The leopard's escaped again

“Why cant i see my reflection in a mirror”

Stevie wondered

What does the egotistical cheese say to itself in the mirror

Halloumi

What's worse luck than breaking a mirror?

A Condom, that one might just get you for 18 years or more.

Two blondes are walking down the street when one of them sees a small mirror on the ground...

She picks it up and looks into it. With a puzzled look on her face, she says to her friend "hmmm this woman looks familiar". Her friend grabs the mirror from her and looks into it. "Of course that woman looked familiar, you idiot. It's me!"

I decided to remove all the mirrors from my home.

Not a good idea on reflection

I decided to wear a mirror today.

In reflection, I thought I could see myself wearing it. I haven't looked back since.

I'll see myself out.

When you look closely at mirrors

They all look like eyeballs.

Oof

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!


Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!


Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

One of my friends has a job making mirrors.

I personally couldn't see myself doing that.

I want to make mirrors for a living

Its something I could really see myself doing

You're locked in a room with no doors and no windows, just a table and a mirror. How do you escape?

You look in the mirror. See what you saw. Use the saw to cut the table in half. Two halves make a whole. Climb out the hole.

I've recently bought a mirror for my bike.

I've never looked back since.

*Looks in to mirrors*

Wow! I like that one! And it's only $15.

I took the rear view mirror out of my car...

Haven’t looked back since.

A mad scientist was pondering over a mirror one night

His concerned wife asked him what he was up to. He said he discovered something amazing and could not figure out how it worked. Curious, she asked him about what he discovered. He replied “When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs”.

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Cure for snoring

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife
goes to the vet to see if he can help.

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he
will stop snoring.

'Yeah right!' she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog ...

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Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor says, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require removing your testicles.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure cre...

A man with a new sports car was speeding down an empty road late at night.

Suddenly he heard sirens behind him. He looked in his rearview mirror to see the flashing lights of a police car. The man thought to himself “I can outrun this guy.” And stepped on the accelerator. He kept accelerating. 90 miles an hour. 100. 110. 120.

After a few minutes he realized how stup...

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A little old lady walked into the Bank of Canada

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because "it’s a lot of money." After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president’s office. The ...

Is anyone else seeing a stranger in their mirror

Or is it just me?

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I asked my wife if I could see her butthole

She handed me a mirror

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NSFW A blonde has been out for cocktails with her friends. She drives off and is speeding down the Interstate, when she hears the wail of a siren & then sees the blue & red lights in her mirror. The police wave her down. So she takes the exit, parks and the police car pull up behind.

The cop nudges his partner and says "She's a blonde, just watch this"
He walks up to her car and indicates for her to wind down her window. She does so.

Cop: "Ma'am, any idea what speed you were doing?"

Blonde: "How would I know that?"
Cop: "The speedometer Ma'am.
Blonde: "Wh...

Three women are looking at their hair in the mirror.

The first says, "I really need to get this cut and styled so I can have pigtails."

The second nods. "I'm looking for more of a ponytail look." She laughs. "Isn't it funny how many styles are named after parts of animals?"

The third girl laughs. "I know right? Just the other day, I got ...

A vampire sells a mirror

Cheap mirror, excellent condition; Never used.

Letter from Wal-Mart

Mr. Wally Brown

President and CEO

WalMart Complaint Department

MEMO Re: Mr. Bill Fenton — Complaints — Things Mr. Royse Samples has
done while his wife was shopping:

1. November 15, 2019: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’...

I told a joke to my friends,

Then my mum came and told me to clean my mirror.

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I wish i was bisexual

Then i can play both sides. But then i look in mirror and it reminds me that i would be twice more depressed.

I still howl at the old Monica Lewinsky classic.

She was feeling self conscious because the tabloids were labeling her pudgy. So she asks her plastic surgeon to remove her love handles. When she comes out of anesthesia and looks in the mirror, she notices she doesn't have ears anymore.

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A military officer by the name of Major Bed had arrived in Thailand for an undercover job...

For the job to be an utmost success, he needed to get plastic surgery to change his identity a bit as well as a new ID. He found a renowned doctor who also made fake ID's and made an appointment for the next day.

After he made the appointment, he had the full day to fuck around so he decided ...

A 13 month old baby breaks a mirror, giving it 7 years of bad luck.

The good news, his mom is an anti-vaxxer.

I was told I had a severe mental condition.

So I reassured the man in the mirror that I had I *moderate* mental condition.

I do a magic show where I make Marijuana and Cocaine disappear.

It’s all just a bunch of smoke and mirrors.

My grandfather died and i inherited some of his cloth

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on...

Mirrors are weird. Everybody looks at them differently.

For instance, I look in a mirror, and in my opinion the mirror is the most beautiful thing, but if you looked in it, you'd be disgusted by the sight of pure hideousness.

Mirrors are weird.

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I can't get Mirror's Edge to work on my computer and it's pissing me off.

My friend told me the game runs on windows.

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Husband to wife: “I’m not sure why, but every time I look at myself naked in the mirror I get a massive erection”

Wife to husband: “It’s because you’re a cunt”

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Damn girl, is that a mirror in your back pocket?

Cuz that ass is flat as hell!

A brunette, redhead and blond went to a remote fitness spa deep in the mountains for some fun and relaxation.

After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded ...

My wife wouldn’t agree to installing a mirror on our bedroom ceiling!

She can’t stand to see me enjoy myself!

Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?”

pulls out mirror and say: "Yes, it's me.”

Magic mirror

Three ladies walked into a bar. One brunette, one redhead, and one blonde. They went to the tender and he said:” theres a magic mirror in the bathroom, if you tell the truth in front of it you will walk away with whatever you wish for. If you lie however, you will disappear forever”

The thre...

A Blonde Woman, a Ginger Woman, a Brunette Woman, and a Black Haired Woman are Standing in Front of a Magic Mirror

The Mirror says to them: "Tell me what you think about your qualities. If they are true, you will be transported to your dream beach home. If it is false, you will be sucked into the dark dimension within me."

All the women pause for a moment.

The Brunette woman broke the silence by s...

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Fresh from her shower, a woman stood naked in front of her mirror complaining to her husband.

"My breasts are too small", she lamented.

Instead of romantically telling her that this was not true, he uncharacteristically came up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper & rub it between
them for a few seconds, 3 times every day." Sk...

Dad puts the car in reverse, looks in the rearview mirror and says...

"Ah, that takes me back."

The game in the first episode of the new season of black mirror wasn't going to be called striking vipers

They wanted to call it Smash Bros but it was already taken

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A rabbit is joyfully running through the forest...

...when he stumbles upon a skunk rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at the skunk and says, "Skunk my friend, why do you do this? Come and run with me through the forest! You'll feel so much better!"

The skunk looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rab...

My friend has a habit of taking blurry pictures of himself in the bathroom mirror after taking hot showers...

I thunk he has a high selfie steam problem.

The man was standing naked in front of the mirror, "just 5 more centimeters... 5 more centimeters and I could've been the king"

From the door, his wife giggled. " Just 5 less
centimeters and you could've been the queen instead"

I applied for a job at a furniture factory and they said they had an opening for someone to inspect the mirrors.

I told them "That's a job I could really see myself doing."

I asked my magic mirror if there was anyone prettier than me.

Does anyone know how to turn it off it hasn’t shut up since last night.

Hey girl

Are you my mirror because you’re looking ugly as hell

Mirrors

Mirrors are just walls that go "NO U".

The ice cream truck is going down the street

And a lady runs after it but it doesn't see her and keeps going. She keeps following until the driver sees her in his mirror. He stops and shes out of breath

Truck driver: “hey, sorry about that, I didn't see you, what can I get you? “

Out of breath she says “I just wanted to tell you....

I Introduced my GF to my EX

She got upset. I guess she didn't like the mirror.

My local mirror shop got robbed at gunpoint...

I couldn't see myself going there again.

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I got home late last night went to bed to try to wake the missus up for some fun

I sneak under the blankets and start licking her out, after about 5 minutes she screams squirts all over my face. I head to the bathroom, splash a heap of water in my face look in the mirror and find my girlfriend behind me. I get startled and yell "Fuck you scared the shit out of me" she replies "s...

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Black Mirror: Bandersnatch is definitely going to win in at least one award category...

...Viewer's Choice.

A blonde cop is patrolling the highway when she sees a blonde motorist weaving in and out of traffic.

The cop pulls over the motorist and asks for her ID. Note that the motorist was wearing a pink ensemble and that the cop was in uniform when the incident happened.

Cop: May I see your ID, ma'am?

Motorist: What's an ID?

Cop: It's a rectangle with a picture of your face on it.
...

A girl is looking in the mirror feeling very self-conscious about her body. She tells her boyfriend laying on the bed that she feels fat and if he could give her a compliment to feel better.

The boyfriend says “Your eyesight is perfect.”

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

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A guy asked me why he always gets a boner when he looks at himself in the mirror..

I told him it's because even his dick thinks he's a pussy.

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Donald Trump goes to the doctor...

Doctor, doctor every time I look in the mirror I get aroused..

Doctor replies: I'm not surprised.. You're a cunt

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Black Out Drunk and in Love

A man woke up in the morning with a terrible hangover and he couldn't remember what he had done the night before. On the table next to the bed he saw two aspirins, a glass of water, and a note from his wife, saying, "Honey, there is a hot breakfast waiting for you in the kitchen. Love you lots!"
...

A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors

But he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect.

Luckily the judge was lenient as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.

Did you hear about that girl who keeps emailing nudes into the Black Mirror production office?

...well they 'bandersnatch'

I have always had eye glasses. I was curious to see what I would look like with them off. So I took them off and looked in the mirror.

As it turns out, I can't see myself without them.

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I get called a sicko because I like to masturbate in front of a mirror all the time.

Masturbation is totally normal and if you don’t like it you can find a different bed bath and beyond to shop at.

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Smart ass answers

A college teacher reminds her class of the next day’s final exam.


“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses wh...

Whenever I struggle with my identity, I go to the bathroom and look in the mirror.

I find it's the best place for self reflection.

I woke up with a really stiff neck. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, my face was white as a sheet! i had a big red nose, bright red fuzzy hair and a really tiny bowler hat on top. I turned on the tap and glitter poured out. Then i realised what had happened..

I slept funny.

The only thing you can lick in the mirror

is the mirror

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Masturbating while looking in a mirror isn't wrong.

Unless it's a rear view mirror, and you're driving a school bus

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If Theresa May was put in the same situation as the first episode of Black Mirror...

Do you think she would've been okay with the Prime Minister fucking her?

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A guy asked his wife, honey, why do I always get a boner when I'm looking in the mirror.

She replies, cuz your cock thinks you're a pussy too.

Mirror Joke

A mirror was born to an extremely poor family. He went to school, worked hard, and eventually got a full scholarship to Harvard. He graduated with a PhD and started a company. The years went by and his company became hugely successful. Eventually, he decided it was time for him to retire. He had to ...

Blonde walks into an Electronics store

She walks up to one of the Items and taps the nearest sales person on the shoulder “excuse me sir, how much for that TV??”
The sales person looked her up and down and said “I’m sorry ma’am but we don’t sell TV’s to blondes”
The blonde gets upset and leaves the store.
She goes home furious...

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One day, a girl comes home crying, upset that her boyfriend had just dumped her.

Devastated, she starts trashing the place, smashing pictures of her ex-boyfriend and knocking things off shelves, rampaging from room to room. In her mother’s bedroom she rips down the curtains, jumps on the bed and smashes some mirrors. She finally calms down enough to notice that a small secret dr...

The Pope just finished a tour of New York

He was taking a limousine to the airport. He had never driven a limo before so he asked the driver if he could drive for a while.

The driver pulled over along the roadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel.

The Pope then drove onto the highway and acceler...

A guy is doing 90 in a 75 and sees lights from a patrol car in the mirror...

He thinks furiously for a moment and then floors it, 95... 100.. 110... Finally, with the officer still hot on his tail he slows to a crawl and pulls over to the roadside.

The officer, obviously on edge, cautiously approaches the car as the man rolls down the window and places hands out where...

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A man goes to see the doctor and says," Doc, I have a rather embarrassing problem. You see, every time I look in the mirror I get an erection. Am I just too attractive? I'm really confused."

The doctor scratches his beard as he consults the chart, until he looks at the man over the rim of his glasses and says, "It's because you're a cunt."

I got locked in a mirror shop last night.

On the plus side, it gave me time to reflect.

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