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A guy asks his wife, "Honey, why do I always get a boner when I'm looking in the mirror?"

She replies, "because your cock thinks you're a pussy too.

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A woman peers into her bedroom mirror and sighs, deeply.

Her husband quickly asks what the issue is, concerned. She turns around, facing him, “I’m not who I used to be. My forehead is wrinkly, my nose and ears are giant, my lips are deflated and my crows feet are deepen more and more by the day! My collar bones are undefined and my arms are flappy. My beh...

Making mirrors sounds like a good job

It's definitely something i can see myself doing

A senior citizen drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him

He floored it to 140, then 150, ... then 170, ...

Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him .

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift end...

A beer bottle sits down next to a mirror.

A beer bottle starts talking to the mirror.

"If you break me, you'll get 1 year of bad luck!"

The mirror replies, "Are you kidding? thats nothing, with me you get 7 years of bad luck!"

Then they hear a bunch of laughter from behind them. Turning around, they find themselves loo...

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A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, " I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "your eyesight's damn near perfect."

He never even heard the shot

I’m thinking about learning how to make mirrors

It’s something I could really see myself doing

Me: I want to be a mirror cleaner when I grow up

Mum: why’s that?

Me: It’s something I can see myself doing

Mum: ...

I'm considering a job installing mirrors, the pay isn't great

But it's a job I can see myself doing

What color is a mirror?

It depends who you ask

LPT: NEVER hang your drivers license from your rearview mirror!

You risk being pulled over for driving with a suspended license.

After months of putting it off, I finally replaced the mirror in the bathroom.

I just couldn't see myself using the other one.

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Broken Mirror!

A customer walks into the glass shop..

He stated his mirror was broken.

His wife went into the bathroom and said

"Mirror Mirror on the Door, Make my Tit's a 44"

Next thing she knew her tit's were 44DD's!

So he thought why not. He went into the bathroom

"Mir...

I got a new job cleaning mirrors

It's something i can really see myself doing.

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Are you Blonde?

A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for her drivers license. The blond starts looking through her car then asks, "Uhh, what are they again?"

The blond cop replies, "Ugh. It's the thing in your purse with your picture on it." "Oh yeah," says the blond who reaches in her purse, pulls out a...

An old Irish woman is naked starting at herself in the mirror

Her husband walks in and asks “what in the hell are you doing?”

“I had my physical today and my doctor told me I was a beautiful woman who should be proud of her aging body,” she replied.

“Yeah? And what did he say about your fat Irish ass?”

“You didn’t come up in conversation,...

Yesterday I got stuck in a hall of mirrors

It was a day of reflection

Why did Dracula turn down the part of the Magic Mirror?

He just couldn't see himself in it.

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Bloke goes to a doctor and says 'Why is it that every time I look in the mirror, I get an erection?'

Doctor says 'It's because you look like a twat!'

What did the cheese say to when it saw itself in the mirror?

Hallou mi

Iron Man stands in front of his magic mirror one morning,

"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the ferrous of them all?"

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.

“I’d like to be six again”, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park – the Death Slide, Wall of Fear, Screamin...

Mickey and Patrick are on their way home from the pub one evening, when Mickey finds a mirror on the ground...

Looking into the mirror he calls over to Patrick:

"Paddy, come and have a look.... this fella seems oh so familiar.."

Patrick grabs hold of the mirror and peers in:

"Ohhhh you stupid git" he says, "It's me!"

It was getting close to my wife’s birthday. She was looking at herself in the mirror. I asked her what she’d like for her birthday. She sighed and said I’d like to be eight again...

On the morning of her birthday. I woke up early and made her a nice big bowl of coco pops. I then took her to for a special trip to Legoland. On the way home we stopped at McDonald’s where I got her a Happy Meal together we a special McDonalds balloon. We then went to the cinema where they were pl...

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I just bought a really shite mirror and I'm so ashamed of myself.

It reflects really badly on me.

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A vampire masturbating in front of a mirror

Bet you didn't see that coming.

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Women should think of the Penis like they should cars. They should be able to get from A to B on a daily basis, as safe and efficiently as possible, be easy to park in the garage without using the mirrors, and come with a load of kids if needed.

That being said, it is also nice to get a big black stretch limo for her birthday to make her feel special.

Old Man on the Fast Moped

Just remembered this one today. It's a great joke for around a campfire.

\---

Guy's driving down the road in his new Lamborghini. Stops at a light next to an old man on a moped.

The old man looks over and says "Say, that's a pretty spiffy looking car there, son. It looks f...

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Told this girl I wanted to see some wet pussy.

She said look in the mirror and cry

Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?

So the drivers can see the battlefield.

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Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in ...

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The Old Lady Who Makes Bets

A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America one day, carrying a large bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because "It's a lot of money!"



The receptionist objected, stating, "You can't just wa...

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Do you know what happens if you scream "Bloody Mary" 3 times in the mirror, at 3am?

Your mom will tell you to shut the fuck up and go to bed.

Mirror Mirror

A man is admiring himself in the mirror. As he flexes and checks himself out he says, “An inch more and I’d be king.”

The mirror begins laughing, “An inch less and you'd be a queen.”

Once there was a mirror that killed anyone who lied...

1st person : I think I dont smoke (died).

2nd person : I think I love my wife (died).

Karen : I think.. (died)

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Mirror Mirror

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door.

One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty four."

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her boobs grow to enormous propor...

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Rags To Riches Success Story

A real touching success story! 

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine.  He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine. 

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do...

My uncle Rob died at the height of ecstasy, in one of those seedy hotels, when the ceiling mirror fell on him

Sad to die alone like that.

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a moth goes into a podiatrist's office

So a moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office...the podiatrist says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”

The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’...

My British friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania.

Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.

A man went to see a doctor and told the doctor, "Every morning when I see myself in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?"

"I don't know," said the doctor, "but your eyesight is perfect!"

(Credit: Rodney Dangerfield)

As I stood infront of the mirror, combing my hair to one side, I couldn't help but shed a tear.

Alas, parting is such sweet sorrow.

I've applied to work in a mirror store.

I hope I get it, I can really see myself working there.

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family who saw mirror for the first time

a guy from a family which had no concept of a mirror one day found a mirror he looked into it and saw a good looking friendly man looking back at him, he took the mirror home and talked to his reflection all day everyday for a couple days his wife and mother got alarmed and one day decided to check...

One of my favorite jokes

I heard about this senior citizen. He was driving down the freeway in his brand-new Corvette, with the top down, going 80 miles an hour, when he saw flashing red lights from a state trooper in his rearview mirror. Without thinking about it, he floored it, took off to a hundred miles an hour. He hear...

At the Barber Shop

A man goes to the barber shop for a shave. While sitting down on the barber chair, he tells the barber that he can never properly shave his cheeks.


The barber goes to a drawer and takes out a small wooden ball. He tells the client to place it in his mouth between the cheek and his teet...

I told my wife I was feeling down.

I said "Honey, when I look in the mirror, all I see is a fat, ugly pig. I really you to say something nice about me."

She said, "Well, your eyesight is perfect."

Don’t stress about your eyesight failing as you get older...

It’s nature’s way of protecting you from shock as you walk past the mirror.

I have a cheap mirror hanging up that bends when it gets hot.

Anything over 30° and my self-esteem is shattered.




I hope this hits the front page after someone reposts it with Fahrenheit.

[Long] A body builder was showing off in the mirror at his gym.

Able to lift twice the weight of anyone else around, he routinely boasted about how he was the greatest and everyone else was beneath him while drinking his huge container of protein shake.

One day, after seeing a new extremely attractive woman at the gym, he decided to show off some more by...

My wife said she found my first gray hair, but I didn't believe her for the longest time. Then when I was brushing my teeth this morning I saw it in the mirror, on the left side of my mustache.

It was right under my nose this whole time.

As of today, possession of mirrors will be outlawed.

This decision comes after a lot of reflection.

Customer service at restaurants is HORRIBLE.

Every time I use one of their restrooms, I see "Employees must wash hands" on the mirror. So I wait for HOURS, but not ONCE has an employee EVER showed up to wash them for me.

The Race!

Johnny was 16 years old and wanted a motorcycle really bad. But his parents said he couldn't get one until he graduated from high school. So, he saved up all his money, and when graduation day came, he threw his graduate cap up in the air and walked right down to the nearest Harley Davidson dealer a...

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

I just had a nightmare where I was ugly.

But I just woke up and looked in the mirror, _dreams really do come true!_

A lady goes grocery shopping.

So, a lady goes to the grocery store to buy a few things, and she approaches the meat section on the store. She says to the butcher "how much for that pig's head??" To this the butcher replies "ma'am, that's a mirror."

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A Sleeper of a Joke

A couple owns a dog that snores in his sleep.

Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife takes the dog to the vet to see if he can help.

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles at night and he will stop snoring.

The woman is dubious about the vet's adv...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a restaurant.

They are having a fun time and give their waitress a huge tip. Super excited about the tip, the waitress decides to tell them a secret: In the women's bathroom, there is a magical mirror. If you tell it something truthful, you will be greatly rewarded. However, if you lie to the mirror, you will dis...

If you talk to a mirror, are you actually talking to the mirror, or is the mirror talking to you?

Please reflect on this in your notebooks.

In the interests of self care, and to promote healthier lifestyle choices for myself now that I'm single, each morning when I get up, I look myself in the mirror, and say the three little words I always used to say to my wife

"You're too fat"

A cop is speeding on the highway when he notices in his rear view mirror that he is being followed by an old lady.

Going over 100 mph, he realizes the civilian's car is going way too fast and needs to slow down. The cop begins to decelerate and the car follows suit. Eventually, the cop pulls over and the car pulls over as well. An old lady comes out of the car and stumbles up to the cop's window, almost tripping...

What did the Prime Minister see when they looked in the mirror?

A Member of Parliament

My friend tried to sell me a broken mirror

I couldn’t see myself buying it.

I've got a magic mirror.

When I look into it, I can see a great comedian. When you look into it, you can see a joke.

I got fired from my job at the calendar factory a couple weeks ago.

I don't know why, all I did was take a few days off.

But it's okay, I think I'm going to become a mirror washer. It's something I can really see myself doing.

A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors, but he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect. Luckily, the judge was lenient...

...as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.

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A man went to the doctor suffering from severe headaches.

After a thorough examination, the doctor turned to him and said: "Jerry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration." "You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates these serious headaches...

A man who was traveling for work had a formal dinner to attend but didn't know how to tie a bow tie for his tux.

After a half hour of unsuccessfully trying to tie the tie, he suddenly realized he was going to be late. He ran out of his hotel room and into the hall and asked the first person he saw walking towards him if they knew how to tie a bow tie. The man said he did so the business traveler invited him in...

A sixty year old millionaire ran into an old friend in a jewelry store after a gap of several years and proudly introduces him to his gorgeous twenty eight year old wife.

The friend eyes her as she tries on a necklace in the tabletop mirror and whispers, "You lucky dog, how did you net someone like her?"

The millionaire leans in closer and whispers conspiratorially, "I told her that I was eighty."

A woman gets out of the shower and looks at herself in the mirror

She walks past her husband reading the newspaper on the couch, and says, "I just looked at myself in the mirror and I look ugly as hell. How about a nice compliment to cheer me up?"


The husband takes one glance at his wife and replies, "Your eyesight is spot-on."

Still can't decide if I need a mirror or not

I need to reflect on this

A guy marvels at himself in the mirror

Guy: "Ah just three more inches and I'd be KING"

His wife on the bed behind him: "Three inches less and you'd be QUEEN"

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One morning, a guy was looking at his beautiful body in the mirror.

He realized he was getting a nice tan all over, except on his dick. But how to tan only his penis without over tanning his body?
So he had an idea. He went to the beach, buried himself in the sand completely except for his penis, which was sticking out of the sand.


Later, two old ladi...

The policeman stopped the blond's car

- show me your driver's license please

-What's that?

-That thing with a picture of you on it. Im sure you have it somewhere in the car.

The blond starts searching for her license. After a few minutes she notices herself in the mirror. "Ah, the picture of me, here it is!" She bre...

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A woman goes to the doctors With an itchy vag

The doctor says here’s some cream to rub on twice daily and it will go,so she gets home and gets a mirror out of the bathroom Squats over it so she can see better and starts to put it on the cream,moments later the husband comes through the bedroom door and runs over and violently pushes her away sh...

A fat old man looks at himself in the mirror.

His insecurity rises. He’s not the same man he once was. He’s an old chunk of coal. Why, in high school he was a major athlete- the football type. All the girls wanted him and everyone respected him. He was a hunk. As he stared into this mirror now a some odd fifty years later- the juxtaposition of ...

Our town's oldest paperboy died today, at 84.

86 are wondering where their Daily Mirror's got to.

Fun fact: French tanks in WWII had rear-veiw mirrors.

This allows them to see the frontline too.

A Blonde woman was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.

The Blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

‘What does it look like?’ she finally asked. The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has you picture on it.’

The driver finally found a square mirror in ...

I was at a barber shop in Bangkok and I asked to get my hair dyed, and for the barber to surprise me. I noticed that it was taking a bit longer than hair dyeing normally would, and when I looked at the finished job in the mirror, I noticed that they were in rainbow swirls.

When I asked the barber, "What is this?" he told me,"Well, it's a Thai dye."

When all this is over, I hope I can return to working at the mirror factory where I've worked for over fifteen years.

I really couldn't see myself doing anything else.

When I was young we were really poor.

On my 6th birthday, my mother put 3 candles on a cake and stuck it in front of a mirror.

Look at the mirror you will find the best joke on here

im hiding my own shame

What does a black guy see when he stands in front of a mirror?

yug kcalb a

I walked into a mirror shop but all they had were broken mirrors

I couldn't see myself going there again.

Two guys driving in the highway with broken side mirror car

The driver wants to switch lanes and tells the passenger: “Can you look if there any car is coming”

The passenger turns and looks back and says: “No there’s no car coming”.

Driver turns the signal on and proceeds to change the line and huge truck hits them.

Driver turns to pass...

A year ago today, I installed a second mirror on the opposite wall from our first...

It’s something I always love to look back on.

In News Today, a fight was started downtown by a man wearing a suit completely made of mirrors.....

The police said the man apologised once he had time to sit down and reflect.

It's normal to talk to pets, mirrors and walls.

It's normal to talk to pets, mirrors and walls during the quarantine. Just inform your psychiatrist if they talk back.

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A man walks into a brothel.

He goes up to the lady at the front desk and says, “good afternoon, I have 5 dollars what can I get?” She replies, “uhh we have a room, but it’s not that impressive, second door on the right.” The man hands the women the 5 dollars and goes to the room. He opens the door and sees a table, chicken, lu...

A guy is doing 90 in a 75 and sees lights from a patrol car in the mirror...

He thinks furiously for a moment and then floors it, 95... 100.. 110... Finally, with the officer still hot on his tail he slows to a crawl and pulls over to the roadside.

The officer, obviously on edge, cautiously approaches the car as the man rolls down the window and places hands out where...

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Fresh from her shower, a woman stood naked in front of her mirror complaining to her husband.

"My breasts are too small", she lamented.

Instead of romantically telling her that this was not true, he uncharacteristically came up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper & rub it between
them for a few seconds, 3 times every day." Sk...

Dad puts the car in reverse, looks in the rearview mirror and says...

"Ah, that takes me back."

You’re speeding down a road when you see red and blue lights in your rearview mirror...

You tense up and pull over to the side of the road. The cop pulls over behind you on a police motorcycle. You’re perspiring hastily at the thought of getting a ticket. The cop approaches your vehicle and says “Do you know how fast you were growing?”

You say “Yes officer, I was going fifteen ...

There was a man who took very good care of his body. Every day he lifted weights and jogged 6 miles.

One day, he looked in the mirror and noticed that he was tanned all over, apart from on his ‘thing’.

So, he decided to do something about it…

He went to the beach, took off all his clothes and buried himself in the sand, except for his ‘thing’ which he left sticking out.

Two old...

My wife looked into the mirror and said "I feel fat and it's making me depressed."



"Well then," I replied "stop touching it."

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Guys I think my mirror is haunted!

Every time I look at it an ugly ass m'fucker look back at me

You can kiss yourself in the mirror, but only on the lips.

**Go and try yourself**

Was helping my mum move some stuff from

her room to storage. She pointed out a mirror and proceeded to ask “Would you be able to take this downstairs for me?”

I responded, much to her disappointment...

“I can see myself doing that”

A man walks into a pet shop and says “I purchased a parrot from this store a week ago and he has not yet spoken.”

The store owner says, “Well, some parrots are slower learners than others. Here’s a book of simple phrases you can teach your parrot.”

The man accepted the book, paid for it, and left.

The next day, the man walked into the store and said, “That bird still won’t talk.”

The store ...

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Granny went to the bank to deposit her $1M

She was greeted by the Bank Manager.

Manager: "Good morning, ma'am! That's quite a fortune. May I ask where did it come from?"

Granny: "I have a knack in gambling. These are my winnings."

M: "I have no doubt. However, our policies prevents us from accepting it due to anti money-...

A man is sitting in a new sports car when a little girl pulls up beside him on her new bicycle she just received for Christmas.

She knocks on his window, which he rolls down to see what she wants.

"Wanna race, mister?" she asks, ringing her bell and twirling the elastic streamers on her handlebars.

"Sure," the man laughs. The light turns green and he floors the pedal. The car takes off like a shot and he leaves...

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Blonde vs Traffic cop who will win?

Traffic cop stops a blonde that sped by him. He asked her for her license, and she replied by asking: "What is a license?" He explained that a license is a square thing with your face of it. The blone ruffles around in her purse for a while, pulls out a small mirror and gives it to the traffic cop. ...

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"Mirror Mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" "You are fair my queen, but Snow White is fairer."

Earlier:

Mirror: "Send Nudes"

Snow White: "Ok" *Takes off dress*

The rear view mirror fell out of my car a couple of months ago and I have never replaced it.

Haven’t looked back since.

An idiot has a mirror in his closet

He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops


"Police! There's a burglar in my closet, come quickly!"


A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idio...

Visitor: My favorite part of the zoo is the cage that says 'World's most dangerous animal' and it's just a mirror in it

Zookeeper: Yup, thought-provoking stuff. \*Whispering into phone\* The leopard's escaped again

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Masturbating while looking in a mirror isn't wrong.

Unless it's a rear view mirror, and you're driving a school bus

Two old men across the bar

I saw two old men across the bar and told my buddy, we gotta be careful otherwise that's gonna be us in 10 years.

He looks at me and say: "That's a mirror dummy..."

A Logical Conclusion

They say a camera adds 10 pounds.

After my last look in the mirror, I must be under heavy surveillance.

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