A senior citizen drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him

He floored it to 140, then 150, ... then 170, ...

Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him .

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift end...

Making mirrors sounds like a good job

It's definitely something i can see myself doing

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Two policemen are walking down the street and they find a mirror.

First one picks it up, looks at it and says: "Holy shit man, this dude looks so familiar."
Other one looks at it and says: "Man you're right! We better take this to the captain!"
When they come to the police station they show the mirror to the captain and ask him if he knows this man. Captai...

Why do Buddhists meditate in front of mirrors?

For optimal self reflection

One day a bottle and a mirror were fighting of witch is worse to break.

"If you break me you get one year of bad luck" said the bottle.
"That is just one year. If you break me you get seven years of bad luck" answered the mirror.
But someone was laughing behind them. It was the condom who said "That is nothing. If you break me you get a life time of bad luck."

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A woman peers into her bedroom mirror and sighs, deeply.

Her husband quickly asks what the issue is, concerned. She turns around, facing him, “I’m not who I used to be. My forehead is wrinkly, my nose and ears are giant, my lips are deflated and my crows feet are deepen more and more by the day! My collar bones are undefined and my arms are flappy. My beh...

Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?

So they can see the battlefield!

David Beckham gets in a taxi at Dublin Airport and notices the driver keep looking in his rear view mirror at him.

After about 5 minutes the driver says "Go on then give me a clue!?"

Beckham replies, "I had a glittering career with Man Utd, played over 100 times for England and married a spice girl, is that enough?".

Driver says "No mate, I meant where are you going?"

I'm considering a job installing mirrors, the pay isn't great

But it's a job I can see myself doing

I’ve thought about working in a mirror factory

I could see myself doing it.

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So Joe had these headaches...

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

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A guy asks his wife, "Honey, why do I always get a boner when I'm looking in the mirror?"

She replies, "because your cock thinks you're a pussy too.

A man wearing a mirrored suit....

A man wearing a mirrored suit started a fight downtown.
The police stopped the fight and told the man to reflect on his actions

Some days I look in the mirror and say "today looks to be a good day"

Then I put my glasses on

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"Honey, why does my dick get hard when I look at myself in the mirror?" A husband asked his wife.

The wife replied, "Because, even your dick knows you're a pussy."

LPT: NEVER hang your drivers license from your rearview mirror!

You risk being pulled over for driving with a suspended license.

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Are you Blonde?

A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for her drivers license. The blond starts looking through her car then asks, "Uhh, what are they again?"

The blond cop replies, "Ugh. It's the thing in your purse with your picture on it." "Oh yeah," says the blond who reaches in her purse, pulls out a...

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A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, " I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "your eyesight's damn near perfect."

He never even heard the shot

Me: I want to be a mirror cleaner when I grow up

Mum: why’s that?

Me: It’s something I can see myself doing

Mum: ...

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror...

I thought to myself, "I'm going to get kicked out of Ikea any moment now."

What color is a mirror?

It depends who you ask

Why did the capillary love to look at himself in the mirror?

He was a little vein

It’s crazy how expensive mirrors can be

They really make you reflect

After months of putting it off, I finally replaced the mirror in the bathroom.

I just couldn't see myself using the other one.

I got a new job cleaning mirrors

It's something i can really see myself doing.

Woman goes to see a doctor about her bed wetting problem

Doctors listens to her, nods sagely where appropriate and then tells her to strip. Woman is a bit confused but does as instructed. While she is undressing doctor places a big mirror on the floor and then tells woman to do a headstand over it. Even more confused woman does as instructed, figuring doc...

A beer bottle sits down next to a mirror.

A beer bottle starts talking to the mirror.

"If you break me, you'll get 1 year of bad luck!"

The mirror replies, "Are you kidding? thats nothing, with me you get 7 years of bad luck!"

Then they hear a bunch of laughter from behind them. Turning around, they find themselves loo...

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Broken Mirror!

A customer walks into the glass shop..

He stated his mirror was broken.

His wife went into the bathroom and said

"Mirror Mirror on the Door, Make my Tit's a 44"

Next thing she knew her tit's were 44DD's!

So he thought why not. He went into the bathroom

"Mir...

An old Irish woman is naked starting at herself in the mirror

Her husband walks in and asks “what in the hell are you doing?”

“I had my physical today and my doctor told me I was a beautiful woman who should be proud of her aging body,” she replied.

“Yeah? And what did he say about your fat Irish ass?”

“You didn’t come up in conversation,...

A man is sitting in a new sports car when a little girl pulls up beside him on her new bicycle she just received for Christmas. She knocks on his window, which he rolls down to see what she wants.

"Wanna race, mister?" she asks, ringing her bell and twirling the elastic streamers on her handlebars.

"Sure," the man laughs. The light turns green and he floors the pedal. The car takes off like a shot and he leaves the little girl in the dust.

A few seconds later though, he sees som...

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A vampire masturbating in front of a mirror

Bet you didn't see that coming.

What did the cheese say to when it saw itself in the mirror?

Hallou mi

I’m thinking about learning how to make mirrors

It’s something I could really see myself doing

Iron Man stands in front of his magic mirror one morning,

"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the ferrous of them all?"

Yesterday I got stuck in a hall of mirrors

It was a day of reflection

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How to cure Snoring (Dog & Husband version)

A couple has a dog who snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

'Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snori...

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Bloke goes to a doctor and says 'Why is it that every time I look in the mirror, I get an erection?'

Doctor says 'It's because you look like a twat!'

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A cab driver picks up a Nun...

The driver looks in the rear view mirror and says, "Excuse me sister, I've always fantasised about having sex with a nun."

The nun replies, "Yeah, you and everyone else. Tell me are you a Catholic?"

"Actually I am" says the cabbie.

The nun then climbs into the front seat and giv...

Why did Dracula turn down the part of the Magic Mirror?

He just couldn't see himself in it.

It was getting close to my wife’s birthday. She was looking at herself in the mirror. I asked her what she’d like for her birthday. She sighed and said I’d like to be eight again...

On the morning of her birthday. I woke up early and made her a nice big bowl of coco pops. I then took her to for a special trip to Legoland. On the way home we stopped at McDonald’s where I got her a Happy Meal together we a special McDonalds balloon. We then went to the cinema where they were pl...

Mickey and Patrick are on their way home from the pub one evening, when Mickey finds a mirror on the ground...

Looking into the mirror he calls over to Patrick:

"Paddy, come and have a look.... this fella seems oh so familiar.."

Patrick grabs hold of the mirror and peers in:

"Ohhhh you stupid git" he says, "It's me!"

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I just bought a really shite mirror and I'm so ashamed of myself.

It reflects really badly on me.

Just a schoolgirl waiting for her dad…

While waiting for my dad, two of the school janitors came outside and started smoking a joint.

When my dad saw us, he ran into the cloud of smoke, grabbed me by the arm and shoved me into the car!

“What’s wrong with you? Why are you angry at ME?” I protested. “I didn’t even do anything...

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Do you know what happens if you scream "Bloody Mary" 3 times in the mirror, at 3am?

Your mom will tell you to shut the fuck up and go to bed.

Once there was a mirror that killed anyone who lied...

1st person : I think I dont smoke (died).

2nd person : I think I love my wife (died).

Karen : I think.. (died)

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.

“I’d like to be six again”, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park – the Death Slide, Wall of Fear, Screamin...

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Women should think of the Penis like they should cars. They should be able to get from A to B on a daily basis, as safe and efficiently as possible, be easy to park in the garage without using the mirrors, and come with a load of kids if needed.

That being said, it is also nice to get a big black stretch limo for her birthday to make her feel special.

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There was a man that bought a new pair of boots.

He was so proud of them, when he got home he walked up to his wife and said "notice any thing different?" she looked him over and just shrugged her shoulders. Mad as hell he stormed into the bathroom to admire them in the tall mirror, then took off every stitch of clothing bar the new boots. Butt na...

A woman had chronic headaches.

She had them since she was in her early teens, and had gone to the doctor, had x-rays, scans, medication, and nothing seemed to help. Finally, she went to a headache specialist, and he told her that her left breast was the cause. The only treatment was to remove the breast. The good news was that he...

Two blondes are sitting in a room...

The first one picks up a small mirror, looks into it and says :
"Hey ! I know that person !"

The second one takes the mirror from her friend, looks into it herself and says :
"Well DUH... It's me !"

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Hear about the vampire who quit his job at the Amusement Park?

He used to set up the Hall of Mirrors but he just couldn't see himself doing it anymore.

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Mirror Mirror

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door.

One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty four."

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her boobs grow to enormous propor...

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I drunkenly staggered into the back of a taxi.

I burped twice and the driver glared at me in his rear view mirror.

"It's £50 if you throw up on my seats," he declared.

Another enormous burp left my mouth.

Thankfully I was able to control my nausea until we stopped outside my home. One final burp filled the interior of the ca...

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Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in ...

My uncle Rob died at the height of ecstasy, in one of those seedy hotels, when the ceiling mirror fell on him

Sad to die alone like that.

Mirror Mirror

A man is admiring himself in the mirror. As he flexes and checks himself out he says, “An inch more and I’d be king.”

The mirror begins laughing, “An inch less and you'd be a queen.”

A man went to see a doctor and told the doctor, "Every morning when I see myself in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?"

"I don't know," said the doctor, "but your eyesight is perfect!"

(Credit: Rodney Dangerfield)

As I stood infront of the mirror, combing my hair to one side, I couldn't help but shed a tear.

Alas, parting is such sweet sorrow.

I've applied to work in a mirror store.

I hope I get it, I can really see myself working there.

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Told this girl I wanted to see some wet pussy.

She said look in the mirror and cry

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A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office says, What seems to be the problem, moth?

The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happines...

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A man walks into a doctor's office...

and says: "Doctor, I get an erection every time I look into a mirror."

The doctor takes a good looks at the man and responds:
"That's no wonder, Sir. You look like a proper cunt to me."

[Long] A body builder was showing off in the mirror at his gym.

Able to lift twice the weight of anyone else around, he routinely boasted about how he was the greatest and everyone else was beneath him while drinking his huge container of protein shake.

One day, after seeing a new extremely attractive woman at the gym, he decided to show off some more by...

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The Old Lady Who Makes Bets

A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America one day, carrying a large bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because "It's a lot of money!"



The receptionist objected, stating, "You can't just wa...

My wife said she found my first gray hair, but I didn't believe her for the longest time. Then when I was brushing my teeth this morning I saw it in the mirror, on the left side of my mustache.

It was right under my nose this whole time.

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family who saw mirror for the first time

a guy from a family which had no concept of a mirror one day found a mirror he looked into it and saw a good looking friendly man looking back at him, he took the mirror home and talked to his reflection all day everyday for a couple days his wife and mother got alarmed and one day decided to check...

As of today, possession of mirrors will be outlawed.

This decision comes after a lot of reflection.

Blonde pulled over for speeding

A blonde woman was pulled over for speeding by a blonde woman State Trooper. The trooper asked for her license and she thought for a minute and said I don't know what that is, what's it look like?

The trooper replied well, it's a little rectangle and it's got your picture on it. The driver lo...

I have a cheap mirror hanging up that bends when it gets hot.

Anything over 30° and my self-esteem is shattered.




I hope this hits the front page after someone reposts it with Fahrenheit.

Old Man on the Fast Moped

Just remembered this one today. It's a great joke for around a campfire.

\---

Guy's driving down the road in his new Lamborghini. Stops at a light next to an old man on a moped.

The old man looks over and says "Say, that's a pretty spiffy looking car there, son. It looks f...

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Rags To Riches Success Story

A real touching success story! 

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine.  He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine. 

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do...

I got fired from my job at the calendar factory

I got fired from my job at the calendar factory a couple weeks ago, and all I did was take a few days off.

But it's alright, I think I'm going to become a mirror washer.

It's something I can really see myself doing

A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors, but he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect. Luckily, the judge was lenient...

...as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.

My British friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania.

Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.

If you talk to a mirror, are you actually talking to the mirror, or is the mirror talking to you?

Please reflect on this in your notebooks.

In the interests of self care, and to promote healthier lifestyle choices for myself now that I'm single, each morning when I get up, I look myself in the mirror, and say the three little words I always used to say to my wife

"You're too fat"

A cop is speeding on the highway when he notices in his rear view mirror that he is being followed by an old lady.

Going over 100 mph, he realizes the civilian's car is going way too fast and needs to slow down. The cop begins to decelerate and the car follows suit. Eventually, the cop pulls over and the car pulls over as well. An old lady comes out of the car and stumbles up to the cop's window, almost tripping...

What did the Prime Minister see when they looked in the mirror?

A Member of Parliament

My friend tried to sell me a broken mirror

I couldn’t see myself buying it.

I've got a magic mirror.

When I look into it, I can see a great comedian. When you look into it, you can see a joke.

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Watched a porn last night of an old, fat man masturbating.

Turns out it was just a mirror.

Poor women

An elderly woman was cleaning out her attic one day. She come across an old lamp that she hadn't seen before. Start cleaning it to see what it is.
A genie pops out and says for setting me free I'm going to Grant you three wishes.
The woman thought about it for a while and said I have made my d...

A man goes to a junkyard

A man goes to a junkyard, looks in a mirror and says: „This painting is so ugly, I would thrown it away too.“

The Cheap Businessman

After traveling on business, Tim thinks it would be nice to bring his girlfriend a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asks the cosmetics clerk. She shows him a fifty-dollar bottle.
"That’s a bit much," says Tim, so she returns with a smaller bottle for thirty dollars.
"That’s st...

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

A woman gets out of the shower and looks at herself in the mirror

She walks past her husband reading the newspaper on the couch, and says, "I just looked at myself in the mirror and I look ugly as hell. How about a nice compliment to cheer me up?"


The husband takes one glance at his wife and replies, "Your eyesight is spot-on."

Still can't decide if I need a mirror or not

I need to reflect on this

A guy marvels at himself in the mirror

Guy: "Ah just three more inches and I'd be KING"

His wife on the bed behind him: "Three inches less and you'd be QUEEN"

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One morning, a guy was looking at his beautiful body in the mirror.

He realized he was getting a nice tan all over, except on his dick. But how to tan only his penis without over tanning his body?
So he had an idea. He went to the beach, buried himself in the sand completely except for his penis, which was sticking out of the sand.


Later, two old ladi...

One of my favorite jokes

I heard about this senior citizen. He was driving down the freeway in his brand-new Corvette, with the top down, going 80 miles an hour, when he saw flashing red lights from a state trooper in his rearview mirror. Without thinking about it, he floored it, took off to a hundred miles an hour. He hear...

A fat old man looks at himself in the mirror.

His insecurity rises. He’s not the same man he once was. He’s an old chunk of coal. Why, in high school he was a major athlete- the football type. All the girls wanted him and everyone respected him. He was a hunk. As he stared into this mirror now a some odd fifty years later- the juxtaposition of ...

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According to a news report...

a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little li...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a restaurant.

They are having a fun time and give their waitress a huge tip. Super excited about the tip, the waitress decides to tell them a secret: In the women's bathroom, there is a magical mirror. If you tell it something truthful, you will be greatly rewarded. However, if you lie to the mirror, you will dis...

I was in the car with my family, talking about self esteem...

My 6 six year old daughter says... "daddy, what happens when you look in the mirror and you're ugly?" I'm immediately concerned and ask her "sweety, did someone say something mean to you? you are beautiful". She quickly replies, "no daddy, I was talking about you."

Fun fact: French tanks in WWII had rear-veiw mirrors.

This allows them to see the frontline too.

At the Barber Shop

A man goes to the barber shop for a shave. While sitting down on the barber chair, he tells the barber that he can never properly shave his cheeks.


The barber goes to a drawer and takes out a small wooden ball. He tells the client to place it in his mouth between the cheek and his teet...

A guy is doing 90 in a 75 and sees lights from a patrol car in the mirror...

He thinks furiously for a moment and then floors it, 95... 100.. 110... Finally, with the officer still hot on his tail he slows to a crawl and pulls over to the roadside.

The officer, obviously on edge, cautiously approaches the car as the man rolls down the window and places hands out where...

I was at a barber shop in Bangkok and I asked to get my hair dyed, and for the barber to surprise me. I noticed that it was taking a bit longer than hair dyeing normally would, and when I looked at the finished job in the mirror, I noticed that they were in rainbow swirls.

When I asked the barber, "What is this?" he told me,"Well, it's a Thai dye."

I told my wife I was feeling down.

I said "Honey, when I look in the mirror, all I see is a fat, ugly pig. I really you to say something nice about me."

She said, "Well, your eyesight is perfect."

Two guys driving in the highway with broken side mirror car

The driver wants to switch lanes and tells the passenger: “Can you look if there any car is coming”

The passenger turns and looks back and says: “No there’s no car coming”.

Driver turns the signal on and proceeds to change the line and huge truck hits them.

Driver turns to pass...

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Fresh from her shower, a woman stood naked in front of her mirror complaining to her husband.

"My breasts are too small", she lamented.

Instead of romantically telling her that this was not true, he uncharacteristically came up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper & rub it between
them for a few seconds, 3 times every day." Sk...

When all this is over, I hope I can return to working at the mirror factory where I've worked for over fifteen years.

I really couldn't see myself doing anything else.

Dad puts the car in reverse, looks in the rearview mirror and says...

"Ah, that takes me back."

I just had a nightmare where I was ugly.

But I just woke up and looked in the mirror, _dreams really do come true!_

Don’t stress about your eyesight failing as you get older...

It’s nature’s way of protecting you from shock as you walk past the mirror.

In News Today, a fight was started downtown by a man wearing a suit completely made of mirrors.....

The police said the man apologised once he had time to sit down and reflect.

Mirror mirror on the wall

Why is my pp so small

The Race!

Johnny was 16 years old and wanted a motorcycle really bad. But his parents said he couldn't get one until he graduated from high school. So, he saved up all his money, and when graduation day came, he threw his graduate cap up in the air and walked right down to the nearest Harley Davidson dealer a...

A year ago today, I installed a second mirror on the opposite wall from our first...

It’s something I always love to look back on.

You’re speeding down a road when you see red and blue lights in your rearview mirror...

You tense up and pull over to the side of the road. The cop pulls over behind you on a police motorcycle. You’re perspiring hastily at the thought of getting a ticket. The cop approaches your vehicle and says “Do you know how fast you were growing?”

You say “Yes officer, I was going fifteen ...

An idiot has a mirror in his closet

He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops


"Police! There's a burglar in my closet, come quickly!"


A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idio...

Customer service at restaurants is HORRIBLE.

Every time I use one of their restrooms, I see "Employees must wash hands" on the mirror. So I wait for HOURS, but not ONCE has an employee EVER showed up to wash them for me.

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Guys I think my mirror is haunted!

Every time I look at it an ugly ass m'fucker look back at me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was doing 20 over the speed limit when a cop car appeared in my rear view mirror, lights flashing.

I pulled over and stepped out of the car and was met by the most beautiful female police officer I'd ever seen.

She told me to turn around, place my hands on the car and spread my legs. As I did, she began frisking me. As she neared my crotch, I suffered premature ejaculation.

I got o...

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Masturbating while looking in a mirror isn't wrong.

Unless it's a rear view mirror, and you're driving a school bus

A lady goes grocery shopping.

So, a lady goes to the grocery store to buy a few things, and she approaches the meat section on the store. She says to the butcher "how much for that pig's head??" To this the butcher replies "ma'am, that's a mirror."

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