Thousands of homeless water faucets die on the streets without food or shelter each year.

Let that sink in.

A race between tomato, lettuce, and tap faucet

Tomato, lettuce, and tap faucet were having a race. The lettuce was a head, the faucet was running, and the tomato was trying to ketchup.

The plumber found a blunt in my faucet today.

No wonder my water bills are so high.

how do you fix a leaky faucet?

....don't pay your water bill.

Why did the faucet take a sick leave?

He wasn't filling so well.

What kind of faucet is only Cold?

Farrah

What's similar between a racehorse and a leaky faucet?

They're both off and running.

A prestigious neurosurgeon calls a plumber to tend to his leaky faucet.

The problem requires an easy fix and the entire job takes less than two minutes. Before leaving, the plumber says, “That will be $200.”
The surgeon was astonished. He says, “I will be candid with you. I am a neurosurgeon and even I don't charge $100 a minute.”
The plumber says, “Yeah, I know. ...

How many government workers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two: one to insist the light bulb has been taken care of and the other to screw it into a faucet.

what did the tap say to you when you struggled to open it?

Don’t faucet!

I wanna make a joke about taps

but I don't want to faucet.

My wife began reading 'The Exorcist'.

She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it over to the beach and threw it into the ocean off a fishing pier.

I went and bought another copy, ran the faucet over it and left it in the night table drawer by her bed. That night was the firs...

Buying a hinge

While installing a new door, I found that one of the hinges was missing. So, I asked my wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge. Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the Manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet. When the Manager was...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Basic Fuckanomics

Fuckanomics\-\-You're born with a ton of fucks to give, so you spend them like a kid with a credit card. You give fucks about your friends, about your grades, about your fashion sense, about strangers opinions. You give way too many fucks about way too many things. You have so many. Then, as you get...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A contractor and an architect are inspecting a building.

A contractor is doing a final walkthrough of a new school with the architect. It’s going fairly well, the architect is pointing out some cracks that need to be spackled, a piece of baseboard that’s not snug to the floor. Nothing big.

They go through the women’s bathroom, architect wants a co...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[Original joke] [Long] A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and orders a gin and tonic with ice. The bartender nods and prepares the drink. A few moments later, he hands the man a glass of gin and tonic, with no ice. The man notices and points out the mistake to the bartender.

The bartender smiles. "Sorry, I had to remove the ic...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Robert

“Did you know there’s 1.5 gallons of blood in an average person” One of the girls at our lunch table looked at him in disgust, and looked away.

Robert was a weird ass kid. None of us were friends with him, and we didn’t pay any attention to him, so it was a surprise to see his greasy self sit...

A chemist, an engineer and a mathematician were all asleep in a hotel when several fires broke out in their respective rooms....

The engineer woke up, saw the fire, ran into the bathroom, turned on the faucets full-blast, flooding out the entire apartment, which put out the fire, and went back to sleep.

The chemist woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, pulled out his CRC (chemistry handbook), and began working o...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Complaining wife

A wife complained to her husband:

"The kitchen faucet has been leaking for a week now and you still haven't fixed it!"

"Do I look like a fucking plumber?", the man answered.

The next day the woman complained again:

"Some tiles fell down in the bathroom, aren't you going...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The dirtiest joke I've ever heard, as told by my father.

So there were these two gay guys taking a shower. Just as things were starting to get sexy again, the phone rings in the living room. One of them hops out of the shower, and says

"Alright, I don't want you to mess around and cum before I get back! ;)", to which the other replies "I won't."...

Job Application Humor

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Cover letter: "I would be prepared to meet with you at your earliest
convenience to discuss what I can do to your company."

That's what we're afraid of ...

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