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Costco Jokes

A married couple is shopping at Costco...

The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it into the cart.
"What do you think you're doing?", the wife asks.
"It's on sale for twenty dollars," explains the husband.
"I don't care," says the wife, "we're on a budget. Put it back."
A couple of aisles later the wife puts a $50 containe...

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Guys Be careful! I've been a victim of a clever scam while at Costco parking...

Don't be naive enough to think, it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20+ year girls come over to your car as you are loading your vehicle. They both start roaming around ur car n looking for their lost keys ,with their breasts almost falling...

Costco Doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, John says to Scott, “My elbow hurts like hell.

I guess I'd better see a doctor."

“Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Scott replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer ...

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What do Costco and a prostitute have in common?

They both make money from wholesale.

After getting lost in the huge Costco, I couldn’t find my wife after25 minutes looking for her....

I went up to a very attractive woman and I told her: I lost my wife

The woman looked at me: I don’t know how talking to me is going to help you find your wife

I said, just wait 3, 2, 1... my wife rounds the corner, hey honey what are you doing?

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Lost in Costco a young man and an old man

Lost in Costco

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Costco when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
"The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a ...

It's so frustrating that Costco has the best prices on funeral plans.

The service is great and all, but I don't need 3 caskets!

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Costco Parking Lot Advice

I noticed someone posted about a woman scamming people and it reminded me of a situation I had this afternoon at Costco.

There are these two beautiful Swedish twins that will offer you sex in the parking lot. While the one sister is working on you, the other will steel your wallet.

Now...

Costco worker asked if I wanna box for my groceries

No bro, I’m just trying to pay for them, everyone’s so violent these days.

What do Costco and Las Vegas have in common?

You go to buy a gallon of milk and it costs you $285.

Why doesn't Costco sell children?

Because nobody wants that many kids.

The cashier at Costco dared to ask me why I’m buying a giant tub of whiteout.

Big mistake.

I saw two coworkers at the Costco butcher station being unfriendly to each other.

It seemed like there was some beef between them

People who eat Tide Pods are idiots.

The Costco brand pods are half the price. Just saying.

To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash.

I'm sorry that I asked if he was a rescue

Even though it’s a surplus store, I’m pretty proud of myself for going into Costco and purchasing only ONE item.

A single package of 160 AA batteries.

Costco is like my ex

Cheap and giving free samples to everyone

The real reason not all Costco’s sell ice...

they don’t want to refund every person with a cup of water.

Recent crime perpetrated at Costco

Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife and arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie...

When you throw away your receipt before leaving Costco

You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave

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Superman & Batman meet to go for a Costco run.

Every 3 months or so, Superman & Batman meet up and go for a Costco run together. This particular morning, Batman is waiting for Superman to show up and he's late by over an hour. He's always been on time up until this morning. A little while later, Batman sees Superman flying towards him. As Su...

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Kirkland Nutra Nuggets dog chow

for my loyal pet, Brista, and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probabl...

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I just came home from Costco

I witnessed a man whose trolley was full to the brim with hand sanitiser, baby wipes, soaps, everything that people need!

I said "You're a selfish bastard! The elderly, disabled, and parents of young children desperately need these types of things! You should be ashamed of yourself!"

H...

Costco has a good deal on Condoms

It’s an anti-family pack.

Went to Costco to pick up some groceries. I am on the low carb diet but wanted something salty to snack on. Checked aisle by aisle for almonds or pistachios or cashews but they were all out.

Guess it is no nut November.

Costco stock was down today more than $6

Nobody bought their shares in bulk.

Today at Costco...

I bought a Kim Kardashian amount of toilet paper

Why do pimps like shopping at Costco?

They can buy everything hoesale.

I went to Costco the other day...

As I was checking out the cashier asked me " Do you wanna box?"

I said "No, but I'll wrestle you!"

"Dad why did you and mom name my sister Rose?"

Dad: "because your mother loves Roses"

Son: "oh, ok, thanks Dad"

Dad: "No problem Costco Hotdog"

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A man goes to see his therapist after an embarrassing incident at a church.

The therapist sits him down and asks what happened. The man groans and says "Well, I was at Costco and I saw they had a massive box of communion wafers. I thought it was funny so I bought it and took it home.

"When I got home I remembered I had a huge box of wine so I grabbed it from the cell...

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Older men scam

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, ...

Why is it so loud in Costco?

Everything comes in high volumes.

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Taser Gun

Last weekend I saw something at Costco that sparked my interest.

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife, Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short...

Yo mamas so fat

She can steal from Costco

A Dr. Of marine biology was inspired to create a new beverage.

Dr. Marcus Opor, renowned marine biologist and ocean sustainability expert, experimented with a brewed beverage with skipjack tuna as its primary ingredient. He spent years alternating its composition, striving for a balance of savory and rich ocean flavors. At last, he perfected his "tea", and was ...

Where do you find rappers in the middle of the day?

Costco for all the free samples

Jaden Smith goes into the bar

gain bin at Costco

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