My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be this August!” I chuckled, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them!

There is a lot of difference between a man and woman saying,

"I went through a whole box of Tissues watching that movie"

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filt...

My friend keeps saying, "cheer up, man. You could be in an underground hole full of water."

I know he means well.

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I kn...

In church I heard an old lady saying a prayer

It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you:-
"Dear Lord,
This has been a tough couple of years.
You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze.
My favourite pop singer Michael Jackson.
My favourite Blues artist BB King.
My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor....

A man in an interrogation room says "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."

Cop: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so where's my present?

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath,

"Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

A guy was smoking while saying prayers.

His shocked friend asked, "Tell me how did the priest allow you to smoke while praying when he refused to permit me."

"What did you ask?" enquired his friend.

"Can I smoke while I am praying?" replied his friend.

"No wonder he refused you because I asked the priest, 'Can I pray...

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible. After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Obama says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I said "Let me say this, and this is profoundly important...I want Michelle to marry me...I love her,...and I thin...

I got kicked out of a hospital after saying to a Covid-19 patient..

Stay positive

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A father has a chat to his son saying…

“Son, if you masturbate too much, you will end up going blind”. The son says “Dad, I’m over here.”

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My girlfriend told me to stop watching porn, saying it degrades women.

Joke's on her, the porn I watch doesn't have any women in it.

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven: When they get there, St. Peter says....

....”We only have one rule here in heaven, don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Well, along ...

"One mans trash is another one's treasure" A great saying

But a terrible way to find out that you are adopted.

Guys, I'm not saying that Flat Earthers, Anti-Vaxxers, and Creationists are unintelligent people but...

there is a reason why shoes with Velcro straps come in adult size.

A husband decided to pull a joke on his wife and texted her saying 'it's not cheating if I leave my socks on is it ?'

She texted back saying 'no hon it's not, I do it all the time'

I know I’m gonna get hate for saying this, but there are some races that I just don’t like.

For instance, anything with an obstacle in it. Like if I’m running 10k, don’t make me climb over a wall halfway through it.

Have you realized that this year is just saying that 2021?

get it?

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine.'
And the other guy says: 'So what are you up to?'
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: '...

I rushed home because my girlfriend kept saying she was "hot and bothered".

Turns out the AC is busted.

Someone made a post saying 'Privacy is Important'...

...the post was on Facebook

Once upon a time, a man was saying...

"All my life, I've been afraid.

First I was afraid of my parents.

Then my teachers.

Then my Boss.

And finally of death."

Someone interrupted, " Why didn't you mention your wife?".

The man replied, " Because I am afraid, she is right here."

What's another way of saying attempted murder?

Marble Staircase.

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was sur...

Me: I’m just saying if you’re head over heels in love you could just be standing there because your head is normally over your heels.

Cupid: Yeah well I appreciate you applying for the job and we’ll keep your resume on file.

I can get almost all of my friends to do stupid stuff by simply saying, "YOLO"

It never seems to work with my Hindu friends though.

I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world.”

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

I have a bunch of elderly relatives that used to love to tease me at weddings by saying stuff like: "Oh, you'll be next, you'll be next!"

They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

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They served pizza at work today, and I finally understand the saying "pizza is like sex".

Because I didn't get any.

If we're saying Amen and Awomen now...

Are we going to start having to sing hymns and herns?

A woman on a dating site sent me a message saying, "Wow! Your gorgeous, how come your still single?"

"It's spelled 'you're'," I replied.

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Everyone who defended trump for saying grab them by the pussy is offended by cardi b's sing WAP

Guess there's only a problem when it's wet

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

I got booed off of the stage at the start of my comedy act for saying that I still live with my parents...

That's the last time I do a gig at an orphanage.

Random person asks the genie saying “i wish i didn't exist”

-Random person asks the genie saying: “i wish i didn't exist”
-genie: *poof* “granted”
-person : “nothng changed”
-genie : “Look agan”

Do you think the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying . . .

"If you build it, they will come."

I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but I was outbid at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true:

You can't win a mall.

Saying "I'm sorry!" is the same as saying "I apologize!"

Except at a funeral.

A lot of people are roasting Cleaver on saying "Awoman"...

I mean, I know that "Amen" comes from Hebrew and means "so be it", and therefore "Awoman" would make no sense in Hebrew.

In Shebrew, however, it makes complete sense!!!

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

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A woman went to the doctor saying that she got some STI while masturbating with frozen vegetables.

Turns out it was her peas.

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A mother and her young son were driving in their car when a dildo suddenly flies outta nowhere and hits the windshield, the mother trying to not ruin the child’s innocence says “it was just a bug sweetie, don’t worry”

The kid replies saying “How it even got of the ground with a dick that big amazes me”

"So you're saying that the entire universe, and everything in it, was created by one being? No way."

"Yahweh."

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So a man was sued for libel and slander...

The judge asked, "What's the defendant accused of saying?"

The plaintiff's attorney replied, "He called my client an, and I quote, 'incompetent motherfucker', your honor."

The judge nodded, "And what does the defense plea?"

The defendant's attorney rose, "Not guilty as charged, ...

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well. I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite donkey Bessie into the... "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'". Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Be...

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