I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world.”

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

Not saying my Ex was fat

But it took a year for my memory foam mattress to forget her.

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Everyone who defended trump for saying grab them by the pussy is offended by cardi b's sing WAP

Guess there's only a problem when it's wet

My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"



"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terri...

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A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

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Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But the younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Shocked and insulted by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attit...

My friend confessed to me saying that he was starting to develop a bestiality fetish...

Not wanting to kink shame him I ask “How did you get into it?”

“Well I did some research on the internet and ended up going down a rabbit hole”

A man walks past a house that has a sign posted up saying "Boat for sale" and decides to check it out

As he's walking up the driveway, all he sees is an old car and a grill.

Confused, he knocks on the door and asks the Jamaican home owner, "hey, I can see that you have a sign out front saying you've got a boat, but all I can see is an old car and a grill.."

"Ya mon!" the Jamaican home...

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”



Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on...

A little girl says to her mother, “Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around” “Not now,” says Mummy. “Wait until Daddy gets home.”

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says “Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?”

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, “You keep quiet – I’ll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear.”

The little girl says, “Daddy to...

Guys, I just read something on the internet saying that Albert Einstein may not have existed!

Turns out he's just a theoretical physicist.

My ex wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...

Arson

I started a new job as an Amazon delivery driver today. When I got to my first address there was a note saying ‘Dear delivery man, we’re out, please hide in garbage’

That was eight hours ago and still no one has found me

I called my dad from the shop saying I’d forgotten what orange juice he asked for.

“Concentrate” he said, but I still couldn’t remember!

I'm not saying it's a mistake letting my girlfriend control the thermostat...

But two Hobbist just showed up and threw a ring into our bedroom.

My mother keep saying "if you good at something don't do it for free"

Now I just have to find out how to sell depression

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I went to the doctors and told him that whenever I pass wind it sounds like I’m saying the name of a Japanese car. ...

He asked me to lay on the couch and pushed and prodded just as it happened again.
“Arhh! I can see your problem. You have an abscess. And an abscess always makes the fart go Honda”.

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A Marine rowing a boat in the Atlantic Saying “1 2 3 4, MARINE CORPS, MARINE CORPS!”

God looks down upon it and see’s this.
God says “Well surely he wants to die, and I’m an asshole so I’m kill him but in a really roundabout way.”
God snaps his fingers and the marines brain disappears.
The marine keeps rowing, saying “1 2 3 4, MARINE CORPS!”
Then God is like “What the fu...

I told my wife, "I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn't feel as good anymore"

She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"

As a non-American, I love seeing Americans saying Happy 4th of July.

It's the only time Americans pronounce dates correctly.

Two prisoners were talking about the food, saying how bad it was. One prisoner said to the other...

When I was Governor, the food was much better!

There’s a big difference between a boy or a girl saying

“I got through a whole box of tissues when I found out my 18 year old sister was adopted”

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A Russian dude enters a bar wearing a tshirt saying, "Turks got 3 problems."

Obvious repost

As soon as he enters the bar a bunch of Turks stop him.

Turks: you come in our country and have the balls to insult us.

Russian : that's your first problem. you guys gets offended so easily.

Turks: Let's get him outside.

Russian: that's your second p...

I'm not saying I'm smart but

has anyone seen me and a smart person in the same room?

I’m not saying my ceiling is the best in the world...

But it’s up there.

Saying "I'm Sorry" and "I Apologize" mean the same thing.

Except when you're at funerals.

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in August!” I said, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers...

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them...

My wife stared at me in disbelief and cried, “You’re shirtless and also covered in… oil?!” I chuckled proudly, “Well, you’re always saying..."

"...I never glisten!"

She screamed, **"LISTEN!!** You never **listen!!"**

I always told my wife the old saying "the grass is always greener on the other side."

I wish I didn't because now she divorced and married my neighbor.

The homeless had a sign saying " need money for protection "

So i went out of my way and bought him some condoms.

My dashboard keeps saying "Trunk is ajar"

Damn thing is lying. I know my trunk isn't a jar.

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Patient: So Doctor, you're saying that I can masturbate whenever I want?

Doctor: No Glen, I'm saying that you could have a stroke at any time.

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Sangfroid is not saying "carry on" when you catch your wife cheating.

Sangfroid is when the husband of the woman you're having sex with says, "Carry on," and so you do.

I’m really bad at saying no to people, especially beautiful women.

Which is ironic because they’re really good at saying no to me.

My watch can predict the future! — That's impossible! Can you prove it? — Sure! — glances at the watch — Right now it's saying you have no panties. — You see? That is wrong, I have panties on right now.

— Oh, I'm sorry, its 10 minutes fast...

In Soviet Russia there's a saying

In Capitalist America, banks rob you

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I’m gonna start saying hindsight’s always 20/16

Cause fuck 2020

I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" and I thought to myself...

that's just spam.

I hate those people that bang on your door saying you need to be “saved” or else you’ll “burn”

Stupid firemen

I’m not saying I’m angry with these reports...

But if I were a Greek philosopher, I’d be Pistophades.

[ Sorry, I’ll see myself out ]

I was looking for a gym one day, and I saw a sign saying "Fitness that way"

So, since this seemed promising, I went down the hall, and there were more signs. I went up the stairs, walked through the hall, went up two stairs, walked through two more halls, walked down three stairs, walked out of the building, walked around the building, went into the building, went up ten s...

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying

“get a load of this guy,” every time someone walked in.

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I just got an e-mail saying "On the occasion of Prophet Muhammad's (PBUH) birthday, please be advised that xxx office will be closed on Thursday,29th October 2020.."

So tempted to reply "Pics or it didn't happen".

My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"

They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

I always see people saying we need to exercise our rights...

But how come I never hear anyone talking about our lefts?

Biden should do the virtual debate without Trump present. He can say the same stuff he's been saying for years and trump can say what he's been saying for the last 4.

Nothing

A couple getting married are standing at the altar saying their vows...

"Do you, Linda, take David the optometrist for better or worse. Better.... Or worse? Better.... Or worse?"

I don't know why everyone is saying Cats (the movie) was bad.

They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.

Saw a man at the supermarket today who was saying the most nasty things while walking up and down the aisle, picking different kinds of breakfast-food off the shelves, shouting at the boxes and putting them back again. I asked the manager what his problem was.

Turns out the guy's a cereal offender.

I'm not saying I'm racist, I'm just saying one race is better than another

The 100m dash is a lot better than the 400m. The 110m hurdles are also good

An old school friend messaged me on Facebook saying I could get rich by selling Egyptian artefacts

Turned out it was just a pyramid scheme

People keep saying I suck at comedy because I keep stealing punchlines...

To get to the other side!

Why is everyone saying #notallmen?

What have tall men done to them?

Whenever an ant gets injured, instead of helping, the rest of the colony just leaves it to die. It’s like the old saying goes:

If an ant broke, dont fix it

There is one saying that van Gough could never say

I'm all ears

Going to be saying goodbye to this group that I love so much

I am here to say goodbye, this group has been fantastic but my wife says I spend too much time here and she can't take it anymore. We argued about it and she told me its either her or the group. So I am going to be gone for a few minutes while I help her pack and call her an uber.
I'll be right ...

I got a call from the hospital saying my ex girlfriend had been admitted and she was serious

Told them I was only looking for something casual

A guy complained to his doctor saying, Help me I am addicted to Twitter.

The doctor replied sorry, I don't follow you!

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Not having sex tonight

One evening last week,my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says,‘I don‘t feel like it,I just want you to hold me.‘

I said,‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

I love going to pet shops. If I see an empty cage, I put a large pre prepared sign, saying "CHAMELEON"....

(stand back and watch the fun.)

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Some people are saying the President had "a series of mini-strokes"

I'm not sure if they're talking about his golf game or how he masturbates.

My long distance girlfriend called me saying she finally wants to meet me in person. I left her this message right before my phone died: “This is very important: I am not a man that normally makes huge commitments, but I think the time is right for us to see each other.”

Unfortunately, my phone died right after “man.”

I saw a car with a bumper stocker saying:

"I"m a vet, therefore I can drive like an animal."

Suddenly I realised how many gynaecologists there are on the roads.

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know t...

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