UPJOKE
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English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

Spring has officially arrived in Ontario.

The Leafs are out.

24-year old Tai Jinhai came in first during the Beijing Marathon, but they gave the gold medal to the son of a prominent party official instead.

To this day, the Chinese government refuses to acknowledge Tai won.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...

"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"

What do you call it when a government official assassinates a citizen?

A Car Crash

A joke I heard while working in China a few years ago

A Chinese state-owned container ship is highjacked by pirates. A Chinese Communist Party official is sent to negotiate.

The pirates’ leader, waving his gun, shouted: “the ransom is TEN MILLION dollars! Or everyone on the ship will die!”

The official responded, calmly: “I will give you ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Putin is sitting in his office when his telephone rings

"Hallo, Mr. Putin!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ya!"


"Well, Paddy," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"


"Rig...

It's official, the City Council has approved the removal of all u-turns in town.

There's no turning back now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman walks into a bank to deposit $100,000 in cash

The bank manager decides to handle this himself, as it’s such a large deposit. As he is processing her request, he asks, “Do you mind if I ask what it is you do for a living?”.

She says, “I make bets with people…For example, I bet you $50,000 that your testicles are cube shaped, like dice”....

Have you heard 69ing will now officially be known as 96ing?

Due to inflation, eating out has gone up.

Pennsylvania can now officially say that they are more English than American now.

If you ask why, it's because: Pittsburgh Bridge Has Fallen Down

A girl and a guy were on a date

They were at a restaurant and was having the time of their life.

The guy asked. "So, can we make this official?"

She shruged "Don't know, how tall are you?"

He was confused on why that mattered then said "Oh I'm 5'12"

She frowned and shook her head. "Sorry I only date gu...

Billie Eilish is officially 18 now, do you know what that means?

She's old enough to order 12 fascinating issues of Zoobooks for $19.95 if she calls 1-800-441-2400. When she calls, they'll include the bonus Elephants issue, stickers, and Tiger Poster with her order.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In 1944, Germany was losing WWII and was desperate for money. Nazi party officials secretely visited Switzerland bankers and offered to trade an entire division of Panzers in exchange for precious metals.

Tanks for the gold!

The coroner has released Norm Macdonald's official cause of death

you guessed it, Frank Stallone

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rabinovich, a Soviet trade official, is called to the Party meeting to be fired.

"Please, I have a family to feed," he begs the Party official.

"Okay," the partorg says, "You will go to Paris to sell Soviet perfume. If you get the contract, we will give you a bonus and let you stay."

So Rabinovich flies off to Paris. A week later, Moscow receives a telegram.
...

LongAn attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"...

The Politician and the Afterlife

While walking down the street one day, a high ranking politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official a...

Long ago...

Long ago a kingdom in medieval Europe had instituted a 3 strike law in regards to the amount of divorces a person was allowed to be granted.

The law states that if someone wanted to marry beyond their 3rd divorce, they would have to give up a body part in order for the marriage to become off...

A frightened man came to the KGB. "My talking parrot has disappeared."

"That's not the kind of case we handle. Go to the criminal police."

"Excuse me, of course I know that I must go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with the parrot."

In 2025 the world is set to change its official language to Finnish

all other languages were deemed un-finnished

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Im proud to announce, that I officially lost my virginity

God I wish I could post this in another subreddit

My mom is officially cancer free!!

So, we were thinking of scattering her ashes by the ocean, or maybe keep them in an urn.

Smell

It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback bl...

Control system theory joke

As Polish airline is flying into New York City, the captain announces over the address system, “for those of you on the right side of the aircraft, you can see the Statue of Liberty out your window.“

Immediately everyone in the seats on the left crowded into the right side, leaning over the o...

Miskatonic University Eliminated First Round of NCAA Tournament

Officials cite gross misunderstanding of “March Madness”…

Thailand was having troubles trading with China.

China refused to accept Thailand's official currency, (the Baht) but the Thais noticed that China had no problem trading in South Korean Won.

So they made a plan to buy 3.2 trillion Won from Korea and use it as an official currency for international trade exchanges.

Unfortunately, it t...

OBGYN turns car mechanic (probably my favorite joke of all times)

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided a career change was in order. Being an automotive enthusiast, he felt he should become a car mechanic.
He read and studied hard, and then came the day of the official exam.
Scores range between 40 and 100, where 60 is enough to pass the ex...

What’s the official bird of 2020?

The Corvid.

The Cleveland Indians have officially decided on a new team name.

Say hello to your new Cleveland Redskins!

What's the difference between winter in Ukraine vs winter in Texas?

In Ukraine during winter, the elected officials stay and fight an invasion.

In Texas during winter, the elected officials catch a flight to Cancun.

Job description: Cook Chinese food for government officials.

Federal Asian.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are asked by an official for quotes to paint the fences of Buckingham Palace.

The Englishman takes out a measuring tape and calculator, makes some notes and reports back to the man, “I’ll do it for £800. £200 for materials, £400 for the team and £200 profit for me.”

The Irishman looks at the house, looks at the Englishman, and says, “I can do it for £700...£200 for mat...

The W.H.O officially announced that dogs cannot get infected by the Coronavirus. Therefore, dogs can basically leave quarantine.

So, i guess you could say.... W.H.O let the dogs out.

Trying to play the new official Rick Astley boardgame.

But the instructions just say ‘You know the rules, and so do I”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Japanese government delegation visits Russia [USSR for oldtimers]

Russian officials give them tours around Moscow and show off the best they could to impress honorable guests. Whenever they ask guests how they like the streets, buildings, or "state-of-the-art" plants, guests give the same feedback smile, bow, and "You have wonderful children".

On the final ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Talking Dog

A man was driving down the street one day and saw a sign: Talking Dog for Sale - $10.

Though very skeptical, he immediately pulls up to the house and knocks on the door. An old man comes out and says “you hear for the talking dog? Come around back”.

He goes around the house and sees ...

The World Health Organization has officially announced that dogs are not able to contract COVID-19 and have released them all from quarantine.

It's safe to say that WHO let the dogs out.

I was telling my friend about an officially Jewish country, and she said it was fake.

I said it Israel.

What is an OSHA Official’s favorite beverage?

Safe Tea

Brand new Grandson

My brand new baby Grandson's cord fell off today. Mom says he's officially wireless!

A psychologist, a general, and a government official are tasked with reducing underage crime in a sample population put under their authority. Whoever drops it the most in a year, wins. After the year is done, they have a meeting to discuss their results.

The psychologist starts: "We lowered underage crime by over 20% in the last year, mostly by introducing counseling courses, and social assistance programs."

The General goes: "Crime is down by over 30%. Turns out, strict discipline and a one-strike rule can greatly affect people's habits."...

Winter is officially over!

Just saw 2 crackheads carry a space heater into a pawn shop.

PSA: Hindsight is officially out of style

It's sooooo 2020.

I u/deadroadie am declaring my official run for presidential candidacy.

If any one can claim to be running for presidential candidacy, why not throw my name into the ring. Hell, why stop there, I fully support Cujo as my Vice President because he's such a heckin good boy!

I can't wait for the official jokes tournament this year.

It's going to be pun on a bun!

The city officials haven't decide whether or not to tear down the graveyard

So for now...remains to be seen

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Jewish man was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel from the Soviet Union.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official chuckle...

Government official visits a remote village

An official once went on a field trip to one of the small remote villages.

He asked, what can the government do for you?

They replied: we have a health center, but there is no doctor.

He immediately picked up his phone and dialed

a number and in a very strong voice deman...

Swiss Cheese was recently declared the official cheese of the Catholic Church.

It’s the holiest of cheeses.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Official outdoor temperature scale

Official outdoor temperature scale:

+10 Residents of Vilnius apartments wear sweaters and put on wool socks. The Finns plant flowers.

+5 Finns sunbathe in the sun.

+2 Italian cars don’t start.

0 Distilled water freezes.

-1 Breathing becomes visible. It's time ...

A Russian spy infiltrated in America is arrested

A Russian spy under the alias of “Joe Smith” is arrested by American officials. He is put in an interrogation room and confronted by an official, Agent Perry.

Smith: “I don’t understand, why am I being interrogated?”

Perry: “Drop the act, Smith, if that even is your real name. We know ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am officially a sex offender.

Every time I ask my wife for sex, she gets offended.

It's officially ridiculous. If I see one more Epstein joke on here I'm going to kill myself.

Just like he didnt.

Victory day

Soviet Union delegation announced they are coming to Helsinki. To commemorate the Victory Day, they asked to set flowers to the statue of the unknown soldier. Finnish officials complied, but started to panic: there is no statue of the unknown soldier in Helsinki!

After a bit a brainstorming, ...

A man recently died after a periodic table display fell on him...

The official cause of death was "Exposure to the Elements".

How do you talk to elected officials?

Like you're about to fire them.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...

While taking a census an official approached the home of Mrs Karen

After asking her a series of questions and taking down her replies, he asked her age. She chuckled bashfully and replied," have you asked the Ms Hills next door?" " No" was his confused reply. " I'm about as old as them" she told.

The next week she went to check her updated details and she s...

A man returning from a trip to France was stopped by customs.

Official: "What is in this bottle? It seems you haven't declared it."

Man: "It's holy water from a famous church. What about it?"

Official: "You’re lying! It's cognac!"

Man: "It’s a miracle!"

A health official walked into a local bakery for an inspection.

She was immediately appalled when she saw the owner smashing the dough against his bare chest before flattening it out on the table. Speechless, she grabbed her pen and notebook and started writing a citation. Seeing the disgust on her face, one of the customers walked up to the health official a...

It's new year, I can officially say that I haven't showered since last year

And a half.

Official Darth Maul action figure on sale now!

50% off

Robert Mugabe, an unpopular dictator from an African nation, visited Israel with his top government officials.

Unfortunately, he died during the visit. The Israelis offered to bury him in Israel for free, explaining that it will save money that can be used to help the poor people of his country. His entourage discussed the proposition and declined the offer saying that they'd rather bring back the remains of...

What is the official motto of men who pay for egirls?

Simper Fi.

A great tragedy befalls the USSR

At a Central Committee meeting dozens of high ranking officials were accidentally killed, poisoned with toxic mushrooms in their soup.
The investigation team arrives at the scene. It was horrific, some had scratched their throats deeply, other lay with foam at they mouth or bloodshot eyes.
Bu...

NASA officials were interviewing three prospective astronauts to sent to Mars on a dangerous one-way trip

Only one of the three would go, and that candidate would never return to Earth. The interviewer asked the first candidate, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid to go.

"One million dollars," replied the engineer, "and I want it donated to my alma mater, Rice University."

The inter...

The Washington Redskins just officially announced they are retiring their team name and logo.

The new team name is going to be the Washington Engines.

You know what the official motto of reopening restaurants is?

"I'll have what he is having."

What is the official song of patriarchy?

It's Reigning Men.

Syria has officially split into two separate countries.

They are now SyriA and SyriB

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the hypothetical official squash of incest porn?

Probably a pump kin

Officials have found a brain-eating Amoba in the water supply of Washington DC. Officials are worried

After all, there's a good chance the Amobas will starve to death

What's the official song of the Anti Vaxx movement?

Down With the Sickness

A border patrol official comes into the Oval Office and says to Trump...

"Sir, because of the trauma of being separated from their parents, three Brazilian children fell deeply sick last night." Trump looks absolutely devastated. He sinks back in his chair, murmuring "oh my god" to himself over and over. Then he composes himself and says: "Okay. Just remind me, how many ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

America just announced about an hour ago that we officially have the world's most confirmed COVID-19 cases.

\#1 AGAIN, bitches.

Please stand for the telling of the official St Patrick’s Day joke....

What’s Irish and sits on the porch?

Patty O’Furniture

That concludes the telling of the official St Patrick’s Day joke.
Thank you citizens you may continue with your lives...

An Austrian government official was given the task to find a contractor for a construction project.

The first to reply was an Italian company which offered to do the work for a million Euros. Then a German company made a bid of two millions. Finally, an Austrian contractor came to the official and said he would need four millions to do the job.

"Why do you need four million Euros?" asked th...

What's the official food of COVID-19 picnics?

The six-foot hoagie.

Due to Coronavirus, we officially now have three days of the week

1. Yesterday

2. Today

3. Tomorrow

Why should fencing be declared the Official Sport of Reddit?

All the constant goddamned ripostes

Old man gets bad news from his doctor, he has only months to live

The old man is beloved in his community and everyone is sad. He calls his family in and tells them "for my last wish I want a license to practice law. I don't care how much you have to spend or who you have to bribe but I can not die happy unless I have that license. "

They are very puzzled b...

A headline from the Dallas Morning News

Dallas Morning News - A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with chil...

Danika Patrick and Aaron Rodgers officially broke up.

I hear it was because she never finished first.

NASCAR is officially canceled

After discovering it's just a human traffic ring

Apple have officially rebranded with the name APPLE

Due to their obsession with capitalising.

A joke from the Soviet era.

Reagan is visiting the Soviet Union and arrives at the Ukrainian city of Odessa. Expecting a warm welcoming party by the people of the city, he is both shocked and offended that no one is greeting him at the city gates. The embarrassed Soviet officials scramble to find someone to fire the ceremonial...

What is the official container for the state of Alabama?

Ramekin.

Official Coronavirus Count over time in North Korea

12.01: 1


12.02: 0


13.16: 1


13.17: 0


16.24: 1


16.25: 0


...


...


...

Here in WA state we had our first official Corona virus death near Seattle. Our grocery stores are practically empty from widespread panic. I really don't understand.

It's not going to last. It's made in China.

Now that I have officially divorced my wife, and she has chosen to keep my last name.

I wanted to be clear that you cannot trust a word she says.

Regards,

Mr Information.

The UK is officially changing its name in honor of mental health awareness.

The new name being "U.O.K.?"

Shredded cheese has officially been banned in grocery stores in the US.

Trump will make America grate again.

Julie Andrews has officially stated

That she will no longer endorse cheap lipstick, due to it crumbling easily and making her breath smell. She explained,

“ The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis.”

I proposed to the girl I've been seeing for a while. She was freaking out and apparently she wanted to make things official.

I'm now signing some papers with the police.

A Chinese Official invites a Malaysian Official to his house

The Malaysian official is in awe that the Chinese official's house is a big and luxurious mansion, so he ask him how did he manage to own such an estate with a public servant's salary.

The Chinese man take him to the balcony, and points to a half built bridge.

"See that bridge? I used ...

What was the official insect of the Soviet Union?

The cagey bee.

It's official! Reddit has the largest number of Ecologically sensitive people!

And in case any of you have doubts about it, the proof is in the fact this subreddit has tonnes of jokes recycled everyday!

A man and his wife are traveling to Jerusalem for vacation. After getting there, his wife suffers a heart attack and dies. Officials in Jerusalem say it will cost $30,000 to send her back to the US to be buried, or only $500 if they bury her there. The man thinks about it and returns the next day...

He says to the officials, “Okay, although expensive, I’ll pay the $30,000 to bring her home. I heard that you buried a man here once and he rose from the dead 3 days later and I just can’t take any chances.”

A high ranking military official gives a report to Trump

He says, "sir, I regret to announce that three Brazilian troops have just died in combat."

Trump was stunned. He gathered himself and replied, "my God, that's terrible news. How much is a brazillion?"

It's official. The winner of the biggest upset in US presidential history is T-R-U-M-

A-N. 1948. HUGE upset.

Edit 3:30AM ET: this was a *lot* funnier when it was true.

The animal kingdom decided to have its first official land speed race. All the animals signed up to see who's the fastest.

After the race was over, and the results were in.

The judges deliberated, and decided to disqualify the winner..

Reason given: "He was a cheetah".

Ok, so my neighbours officially hate me.

Me and a few mates were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were roasting marshmallows and stuff when suddenly we hear sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.

So we all went running to see what was up, and our neighbour's house was on fire!

Well, when we ...

Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend were apprehended in the act of breaking into the kennels and setting the inhabitants free. I guess that makes it official.

The Who let the dogs out.

Did anyone else hear about the Vatican naming swiss as the official cheese for christianity?

Yea that's right, it's the holiest of cheeses.

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