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Official Jokes

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...
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Billie Eilish is officially 18 now, do you know what that means?

She's old enough to order 12 fascinating issues of Zoobooks for $19.95 if she calls 1-800-441-2400. When she calls, they'll include the bonus Elephants issue, stickers, and Tiger Poster with her order.
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You know there's no official training for garbage men?

They just pick it up as they go along.
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David Byrne gets elected US President. His first official act is to ban the penny. He issued an executive order to...

Stop making cents.
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Did you know that the state vegetable and official state pastime of Alabama are the same thing?

Pumpkin
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3/15 is The Ides of March. Do you know what time it officially starts?

“At two”

.
.

If ya love Shakespeare then ya love a groaner. Enjoy!
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With the help of my wife I am officially a millionaire.

Before I met her I was a billionaire.
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24-year old Tai Jinhai came in first during the Beijing Marathon, but they gave the gold medal to the son of a prominent party official instead.

To this day, the Chinese government refuses to acknowledge Tai won.
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In honor of McConnell and Feinstein, C-SPAN is officially changing its name

It will now be called "Different Strokes"
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As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...

"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"
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I parked up in the hospital car park this morning and this official looking bloke says that space is reserved for badge holders only.

I said I have got a bad shoulder.
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NASA officials were interviewing three prospective astronauts to sent to Mars on a dangerous one-way trip

Only one of the three would go, and that candidate would never return to Earth. The interviewer asked the first candidate, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid to go.

"One million dollars," replied the engineer, "and I want it donated to my alma mater, Rice University."

The inter...
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A Russia official visits an American official

“Wow, nice car. Where did you the money for this?” Asks the Russian official

“You see that bridge over there?” The American official says and points toward a bridge in the distant

“Yeah, I see it”

“I embezzled some of the fund for that bridge” the American official whispers.
...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

FDA finally approved the official Anal Condom...

The reason it took this long is because their wives only allowed them to test it on their birthdays and the tests were always abruptly cancelled.

Round of applause for high jump officials

They keep raising the bar
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Russia has destroyed at least 21 HIMARS in Ukraine, based on past official reports

Ukraine has only 16 HIMARS in total.
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The W.H.O officially announced that dogs cannot get infected by the Coronavirus. Therefore, dogs can basically leave quarantine.

So, i guess you could say.... W.H.O let the dogs out.
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Shredded cheese has officially been banned in grocery stores in the US.

Trump will make America grate again.
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A Soviet official is visiting a mental asylum

To prepare for the visit, the asylum trained the patients to sing "Glory to the Communist Party".

When the official arrives, everyone is singing their hearts out. The official is very pleased, however, he notices a woman not singing.

The official approaches the woman and asks: "why are...
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A perfectly normal couple has a baby, but, very unexpectedly, the baby is born without arms. Or legs. Or even a body. It's just a head...

Nevertheless, the couple embrace their roles as parents and, as unusual as it is, they raise their baby, trying to make his life as normal as possible. Obviously, it's a struggle, but they manage... and they love and treat their son like any other normal kid. Well, as much as possible.

On the...

What do you call it when a government official assassinates a citizen?

A Car Crash
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Have you heard 69ing will now officially be known as 96ing?

Due to inflation, eating out has gone up.
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Why do Russian officials keep falling out of windows lately?

Because they no longer have the iron curtain.
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It's officially ridiculous. If I see one more Epstein joke on here I'm going to kill myself.

Just like he didnt.
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The World Health Organization has officially announced that dogs are not able to contract COVID-19 and have released them all from quarantine.

It's safe to say that WHO let the dogs out.
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50 Cent has officially changed his name

It’s now 3.50 to adjust for inflation.
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It's official, the City Council has approved the removal of all u-turns in town.

There's no turning back now.
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After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Im proud to announce, that I officially lost my virginity

God I wish I could post this in another subreddit

In 2025 the world is set to change its official language to Finnish

all other languages were deemed un-finnished
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Spring has officially arrived in Ontario.

The Leafs are out.
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It's official. The winner of the biggest upset in US presidential history is T-R-U-M-

A-N. 1948. HUGE upset.

Edit 3:30AM ET: this was a *lot* funnier when it was true.
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Reddit’s new API Costs

Yep that’s it. It’s going to price out all those apps you all use instead of the official one to read or post jokes. And I can tell you first hand, it is much tougher to copy and paste in official app.

Can we go black out on June 12-14?
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An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"


"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhap...
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Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...
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A border patrol official comes into the Oval Office and says to Trump...

"Sir, because of the trauma of being separated from their parents, three Brazilian children fell deeply sick last night." Trump looks absolutely devastated. He sinks back in his chair, murmuring "oh my god" to himself over and over. Then he composes himself and says: "Okay. Just remind me, how many ...
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While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rabinovich, a Soviet trade official, is called to the Party meeting to be fired.

"Please, I have a family to feed," he begs the Party official.

"Okay," the partorg says, "You will go to Paris to sell Soviet perfume. If you get the contract, we will give you a bonus and let you stay."

So Rabinovich flies off to Paris. A week later, Moscow receives a telegram.
...

The coroner has released Norm Macdonald's official cause of death

you guessed it, Frank Stallone
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A Republican and a Democrat end up as neighbors

Every single day they have fights for their political beliefs in which they spiral out of control. As the years goes by they hate each other more and more.

One day the Republican(John) has a terrible car accident right in front of the Democrats(Mike) house.

Mike!! he yells. Come qui...

My mom is officially cancer free!!

So, we were thinking of scattering her ashes by the ocean, or maybe keep them in an urn.
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Putin is sitting in his office when his telephone rings

"Hallo, Mr. Putin!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ya!"


"Well, Paddy," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"


"Right...

What's the official song of the Anti Vaxx movement?

Down With the Sickness
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Ok, so my neighbours officially hate me.

Me and a few mates were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were roasting marshmallows and stuff when suddenly we hear sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.

So we all went running to see what was up, and our neighbour's house was on fire!

Well, when we ...
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The Cleveland Indians have officially decided on a new team name.

Say hello to your new Cleveland Redskins!
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman walks into a bank to deposit $100,000 in cash

The bank manager decides to handle this himself, as it’s such a large deposit. As he is processing her request, he asks, “Do you mind if I ask what it is you do for a living?”.

She says, “I make bets with people…For example, I bet you $50,000 that your testicles are cube shaped, like dice”....

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In 1944, Germany was losing WWII and was desperate for money. Nazi party officials secretely visited Switzerland bankers and offered to trade an entire division of Panzers in exchange for precious metals.

Tanks for the gold!

Pennsylvania can now officially say that they are more English than American now.

If you ask why, it's because: Pittsburgh Bridge Has Fallen Down
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Trying to play the new official Rick Astley boardgame.

But the instructions just say ‘You know the rules, and so do I”
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I u/deadroadie am declaring my official run for presidential candidacy.

If any one can claim to be running for presidential candidacy, why not throw my name into the ring. Hell, why stop there, I fully support Cujo as my Vice President because he's such a heckin good boy!
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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are asked by an official for quotes to paint the fences of Buckingham Palace.

The Englishman takes out a measuring tape and calculator, makes some notes and reports back to the man, “I’ll do it for £800. £200 for materials, £400 for the team and £200 profit for me.”

The Irishman looks at the house, looks at the Englishman, and says, “I can do it for £700...£200 for mat...
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What’s the official bird of 2020?

The Corvid.
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A psychologist, a general, and a government official are tasked with reducing underage crime in a sample population put under their authority. Whoever drops it the most in a year, wins. After the year is done, they have a meeting to discuss their results.

The psychologist starts: "We lowered underage crime by over 20% in the last year, mostly by introducing counseling courses, and social assistance programs."

The General goes: "Crime is down by over 30%. Turns out, strict discipline and a one-strike rule can greatly affect people's habits."...
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What is an OSHA Official’s favorite beverage?

Safe Tea
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I can't wait for the official jokes tournament this year.

It's going to be pun on a bun!
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Government official visits a remote village

An official once went on a field trip to one of the small remote villages.

He asked, what can the government do for you?

They replied: we have a health center, but there is no doctor.

He immediately picked up his phone and dialed

a number and in a very strong voice deman...
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Swiss Cheese was recently declared the official cheese of the Catholic Church.

It’s the holiest of cheeses.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Official outdoor temperature scale

Official outdoor temperature scale:

+10 Residents of Vilnius apartments wear sweaters and put on wool socks. The Finns plant flowers.

+5 Finns sunbathe in the sun.

+2 Italian cars don’t start.

0 Distilled water freezes.

-1 Breathing becomes visible. It's time ...

What is the official song of patriarchy?

It's Reigning Men.
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I was telling my friend about an officially Jewish country, and she said it was fake.

I said it Israel.
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Please stand for the telling of the official St Patrick’s Day joke....

What’s Irish and sits on the porch?

Patty O’Furniture

That concludes the telling of the official St Patrick’s Day joke.
Thank you citizens you may continue with your lives...
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A health official walked into a local bakery for an inspection.

She was immediately appalled when she saw the owner smashing the dough against his bare chest before flattening it out on the table. Speechless, she grabbed her pen and notebook and started writing a citation. Seeing the disgust on her face, one of the customers walked up to the health official a...
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While taking a census an official approached the home of Mrs Karen

After asking her a series of questions and taking down her replies, he asked her age. She chuckled bashfully and replied," have you asked the Ms Hills next door?" " No" was his confused reply. " I'm about as old as them" she told.

The next week she went to check her updated details and she s...
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Official Darth Maul action figure on sale now!

50% off
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Robert Mugabe, an unpopular dictator from an African nation, visited Israel with his top government officials.

Unfortunately, he died during the visit. The Israelis offered to bury him in Israel for free, explaining that it will save money that can be used to help the poor people of his country. His entourage discussed the proposition and declined the offer saying that they'd rather bring back the remains of...
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What is the official motto of men who pay for egirls?

Simper Fi.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am officially a sex offender.

Every time I ask my wife for sex, she gets offended.

Winter is officially over!

Just saw 2 crackheads carry a space heater into a pawn shop.
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You know what the official motto of reopening restaurants is?

"I'll have what he is having."
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The city officials haven't decide whether or not to tear down the graveyard

So for now...remains to be seen
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PSA: Hindsight is officially out of style

It's sooooo 2020.
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What do you call an army official who rents toilets?

A Loo-Tenant
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Raccoons have been named the official mascot of the CoVid19 pandemic:

They frequently wash their paws and ALWAYS wear masks!

It's official! Reddit has the largest number of Ecologically sensitive people!

And in case any of you have doubts about it, the proof is in the fact this subreddit has tonnes of jokes recycled everyday!
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An Austrian government official was given the task to find a contractor for a construction project.

The first to reply was an Italian company which offered to do the work for a million Euros. Then a German company made a bid of two millions. Finally, an Austrian contractor came to the official and said he would need four millions to do the job.

"Why do you need four million Euros?" asked th...
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What's the hypothetical official squash of incest porn?

Probably a pump kin

How do you talk to elected officials?

Like you're about to fire them.
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The smallest penis

*John: insert name of person you tell the joke to.

So three guys sits at a bar.

First one goes - “I have the smallest feet in the world!” The other guys take a look at his feet and acknowledges his statement - “sure your feet must be the smallest in the world!”

Second guy then...

What's the official food of COVID-19 picnics?

The six-foot hoagie.
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A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely, saying…..

"I must have taken Leif off my census."
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Official Coronavirus Count over time in North Korea

12.01: 1


12.02: 0


13.16: 1


13.17: 0


16.24: 1


16.25: 0


...


...


...
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Syria has officially split into two separate countries.

They are now SyriA and SyriB
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I proposed to the girl I've been seeing for a while. She was freaking out and apparently she wanted to make things official.

I'm now signing some papers with the police.
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It's new year, I can officially say that I haven't showered since last year

And a half.
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A man and his wife are traveling to Jerusalem for vacation. After getting there, his wife suffers a heart attack and dies. Officials in Jerusalem say it will cost $30,000 to send her back to the US to be buried, or only $500 if they bury her there. The man thinks about it and returns the next day...

He says to the officials, “Okay, although expensive, I’ll pay the $30,000 to bring her home. I heard that you buried a man here once and he rose from the dead 3 days later and I just can’t take any chances.”
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America just announced about an hour ago that we officially have the world's most confirmed COVID-19 cases.

\#1 AGAIN, bitches.

A Chinese Official invites a Malaysian Official to his house

The Malaysian official is in awe that the Chinese official's house is a big and luxurious mansion, so he ask him how did he manage to own such an estate with a public servant's salary.

The Chinese man take him to the balcony, and points to a half built bridge.

"See that bridge? I used ...
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Officials have found a brain-eating Amoba in the water supply of Washington DC. Officials are worried

After all, there's a good chance the Amobas will starve to death
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Here in WA state we had our first official Corona virus death near Seattle. Our grocery stores are practically empty from widespread panic. I really don't understand.

It's not going to last. It's made in China.
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Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend were apprehended in the act of breaking into the kennels and setting the inhabitants free. I guess that makes it official.

The Who let the dogs out.
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I made fun of the official Minecraft Twitter account

So they blocked me
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What was the official insect of the Soviet Union?

The cagey bee.
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Apple have officially rebranded with the name APPLE

Due to their obsession with capitalising.
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The Washington Redskins just officially announced they are retiring their team name and logo.

The new team name is going to be the Washington Engines.
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It's official Trump's inauguration date is now a National Holiday.

At least I assume so because the government shutdown for it.
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Danika Patrick and Aaron Rodgers officially broke up.

I hear it was because she never finished first.
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The animal kingdom decided to have its first official land speed race. All the animals signed up to see who's the fastest.

After the race was over, and the results were in.

The judges deliberated, and decided to disqualify the winner..

Reason given: "He was a cheetah".
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REPORTER: "Mr. Trump, how are you feeling today after hearing the charges have been made official?"

DONALD: "I'm peachy"
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NASCAR is officially canceled

After discovering it's just a human traffic ring
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An official guide on how to walk up stairs:

Step 1)

Step 2)

Step 3)

Step 4)
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Putin's top official comes to him after the election...

"You won with 99% of the vote! Only 1% if Russia voted against you! What more could you want?" The officer said overjoyed.

Putin stared at him. "Their names."
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Did anyone else hear about the Vatican naming swiss as the official cheese for christianity?

Yea that's right, it's the holiest of cheeses.
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Now that I have officially divorced my wife, and she has chosen to keep my last name.

I wanted to be clear that you cannot trust a word she says.

Regards,

Mr Information.
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What do you call a public official with depression?

a person in a zolofty position
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A high ranking military official gives a report to Trump

He says, "sir, I regret to announce that three Brazilian troops have just died in combat."

Trump was stunned. He gathered himself and replied, "my God, that's terrible news. How much is a brazillion?"
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The UK is officially changing its name in honor of mental health awareness.

The new name being "U.O.K.?"
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I've heard Dunkin Donuts is going to be the official sponsor of no nut November.

Their name will be Dunkin Nonuts for a month.
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Why is Grindr the official hookup platform of Thanksgiving?

Gobble gobble gobble.
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A friend got me a subscription to “Philatelic: the official source for stamp enthusiasts”

Which made me really angry because that was a habit I was trying to lick.
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What do you call a Roman official in tacky sandals?

A croc aedile
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