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Mercury Jokes

Freddie Mercury, Bruno Mars and Venus Williams all walk into the same bar..

But they didn't planet...
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Why did Freddy Mercury stay home from school?

He had a temp of 200 degrees Farenheit.
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Freddie Mercury went to school to be a pilot, but he failed the license test.

He flew, a little high, a little low and any way the wind blows…
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During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

250 lbs here on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury

No, I'm not fat. I’m just not on the right planet.
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A young Freddie Mercury walks into a music class

Music Teacher: "What instrument do you play?"

Freddie: "The crowd."

Music Teacher: "What do you mean?"

Freddie: "AAAAAAAYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOO"

Music Class:"AAAAAAAYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOO"
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I read a science fiction book where people drill for mercury as a power source.

It was by Hg Wells.
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If your Mercury is in retrograde, I have a perfect solution for your problem.

Stop believing in astrology.
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My 11yo: " How did Freddie Mercury die?"

"He bit the dust."

#

I don't care what you think. That was dad-joke levels of funny.
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What did Freddie Mercury say when he was informed about No Nut November?

"Nutting really matters to me"
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A journalist once asked Freddie Mercury what he wanted.

The question was: "you say you want to break free, you want to ride your bicycle, you want to make a supersonic man out of me... What do you want at the end?"

He answered : "I want it all and I want it now."
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What's the difference between a man working in an imitation cheese factory and Freddie Mercury?

The first man wants to fake brie.
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Did you guys hear about Freddie Mercury's bedroom furniture store?

Nothing Really Mattress. They only sell queen size.
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If Earth is the third planet from Sun after Mercury and Venus

Doesn't that make every country a third world country?
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Freddie Mercury had just finished his meal in a Greek restaurant when the waiter came over with a couple of plates for him to smash.

"Can you go and get me another one please?" Asked Freddie.

"Why?" Asked the waiter.

"I want to break three."
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What happens when the thermometer breaks during your rectal examination?

Mercury is in Uranus

As a chemist I can conclude that Freddie Mercury's voice is full of beryllium, gold and titanium

Because his voice is Be-Au-Ti-full
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Everyone always blames Mercury for them being an asshole.

Maybe it’s Uranus.

I hate it when people compare Freddie Mercury to God

I mean He's good but He's no Freddie Mercury.
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What kind of music do mercury, arsenic and lead listen to?

Heavy metal.

What did the man with mercury poisoning say?

It's 83 degrees Fahrenheit and 28 degrees Celsius.
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What do Freddie Mercury and a Chinese Outlaw have in common?

Raw men took 'em both out.
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In 1982 Elton John attended one of Queen's concerts, but was shortly hospitalized afterwards.

Turns out they found traces of Mercury in him.
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Queen were on their very first tour and there was a mishap in booking hotel rooms.

They were meant to book two rooms with two beds each - instead they ended up with a single room with one bed. They were considering drawing straws to determine who would sleep on the floor, but miraculously, Freddie Mercury, Brian May, John Deacon and Roger Taylor all managed to fit comfortably on t...
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If Freddie Mercury transmitted HIV to someone...

...Was it considered Mercury poisoning?
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What do you call it when Freddie Mercury floats?

Flam-buoyant
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On Mercury's unlit side, it can get as low as -183 degrees Celsius...

But hey, on the bright side, it's 467 degrees Celsius.
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Freddie Mercury auditions as Jason Bourne and lands the role in the latest film, which turns out to be a flop. When asked in interviews, what does he say?

"Sometimes wish I've never been Bourne at all".
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I see Freddie Mercury has had an asteroid named after him.

His surviving family have said how great it is to finally have Freddie immortalized in rock, and really appreciate the sediment.
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God decides to go on vacation

God decides to go on holiday.
He calls all his super-being mates up and they pop around to discuss a few suggestions.
"What about Mars," says one of them.
"Nah I went there 15,000 years ago," says God, "it was shit, no atmosphere and too dusty." "What about Pluto," suggests another...

The Sun's Birthday

It's the Sun's birthday, so the whole Solar system is thinking about gifts. Earth, after thinking for a while, decides to gift the Sun the element Technetium, since it's a gift that no other planet could have given. The party goes by, and the Sun accepts the Technetium graciously and politely.
<...
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What do you get when Little Richard calls you up to tell you he's picked up Carmen Miranda, Freddy Mercury, Peter Allen, Divine, Sylvester, Chris Crocker, Elton John, Gil Chesterton, Andy Dick, Wayne Newton, Liberace, and Richard Simmons...and they're on their way?

Tutti Frutti en route-y!

(Wooooooooo!)

I'm not impressed by Brian May's astrophysics degree.

I heard he called Mercury a star.
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Mercury asked the Sun what he was.

The Sun said: I'm a motherfucking star boy.

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The Alternative Healer

A man has been sick for quite some time, and the many doctors he's seen can't seem to figure out what's wrong with him.

So the man decides to go see an alternative healer. While going through the initial exam, the man asks the healer,

"So doc, do you think I'll be okay?"

The h...

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Someone's written an album about thermometers...

I've heard it's been nominated for a Mercury Prize.

Freddie Mercury once took a culinary course when he was in college. The instructor asked him how many cakes he's going to make for that day's lesson..

Freddie stood up, grabbed the top half of the microphone stand and belted out,



"I want to bake three."
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Daughter asked me, "Dad, who is your favorite Queen?"

I said, "Friddie Mercury"
And another one bites the dust.
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God wanted to take a vacation...

...so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on where to go.

"Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.

"No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.

"Well, how about Mercury?"

"No, it's too hot there."

"Okay," said St. Peter, "what about Earth?"
...
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I had a health form for my doctor to fill out today. He reached into his pocket and pulled out an old mercury thermometer.

“Shit,” he said. “Some asshole has my pen!”

Did you hear about the new anti-vaxxer relationship counseling book?

Men are from Mars, Autism is from Mercury.
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Yeah I'm on a diet, I call it the "seefood diet"

I'm pretty sure the mercury's affecting my spelling
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God decides it's time for a vacation...

...so he consults with a few of his angels to figure out where he should go for some much needed rest and relaxation. The first angel to speak up says "Well, sir, I hear Mercury is nice this time of year. It's nice and warm, you could catch some rays and maybe get a nice tan."
"That could be nic...
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A guy is being examined by his doctor

The doctor seems troubled.
“How’s it looking doc?” the guy asks. “Anything I should worry about?”
“Bad luck” says the doctor “I think you might die soon. Mercury is in Uranus”
The guy laughs “Ha! Don’t worry, I don’t put any faith it that astrology nonsense”
“No” says the doctor “I mean...

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The Planets

71% water + 29% land = Earth

100% land + 0% Chocolate = Mars

100% land + 0% Fertility = Venus

100% land and lava + 0% Freddy = Mercury

100% land + 0% Dog = Pluto

100% gas = Uranus

My doctor banned me from listening to my Queen albums...

...due to their high Mercury content.
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I hate double-standards; when my girlfriend puts on a pair of puppy-dog eyes, it's "cute", but when I do it...

Everyone is just "Oh god Mercury what the fuck did you do that puppy?!"

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Official outdoor temperature scale

Official outdoor temperature scale:

+10 Residents of Vilnius apartments wear sweaters and put on wool socks. The Finns plant flowers.

+5 Finns sunbathe in the sun.

+2 Italian cars don’t start.

0 Distilled water freezes.

-1 Breathing becomes visible. It's time ...

A man goes to a French market

He wanders around the market, looking for ingredients to make a fish stew. He buys some carrots, onions, and even a few exotic spices. But he still needs to find some fresh fish. He heads over to the deli where he sees an amazing arrangement of meats, cheeses, and of course, seafood. He asks the man...
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A horse is sitting in his stable one day when he hears music coming from the farmhouse. He waits patiently for the farmer to go out before making his way across to the farmhouse to see what's going on. As he peers through the window he can see MTV is on the television.

Horse goes into the house and sees a rock band on the screen. He is instantly taken by the guitar and decides there and then he wants to play. He uses the telephone and calls the local music shop. He explains that he has seen the band on TV, that he is a horse and that he wants to play guitar, The m...

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Guy walks into math exam not knowing anything

He apparently fails. So teacher gives him F.
Guy: please Mr.Donovan let me sing. I can sing like Freddie Mercury. Please let me sing, I promise you have never heard anything like that. and if I do so please give me a good grade.
Teacher looks at his colleagues and nods. Guy sings the shit...

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The Sami temperature scale

(ed: the Sami are an indigineous people living in the northern parts of Scandinavia, also called Lapland)

+10°C: Inhabitants of Helsinki turn off the heat. The Sami plant flowers.

+5°C: If the sun rises over the horizon, it's sunbathing time for the Sami

+2°C: Italian cars won't...

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A duck walks into my chemistry class

So, a duck walked into my chemistry class. The teacher jumped up and started shooing it out, but one kid gets between them and says "No, don't! Haven't you heard of this duck? He's a genius!" The teacher knows the kid is lying, but doesn't see the harm in humoring him, so she asks the kid to prove h...

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Stapleton Airport Incident

(This one is pretty old folks)
As reported by the San Jose Mercury News:

During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the d...

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