Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams and Bruno Mars Walk into a bar.

But they didn't planet that way.

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During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

As a chemist I can conclude that Freddie Mercury's voice is full of beryllium, gold and titanium

Because his voice is Be-Au-Ti-full

What did the priest say when Freddie Mercury was lowered into his grave?

"This is the cleanest hole he's ever been in"

I don't like it when people compare Freddie Mercury to God...

I mean, he's great and good and all that, but he's no Freddie Mercury.

Freddie Mercury was an exceptional pianist...

...but he sucked on organs.

Why did Freddy Mercury stay home from school?

He had a temp of 200 degrees Farenheit.

A young Freddie Mercury walks into a music class

Music Teacher: "What instrument do you play?"

Freddie: "The crowd."

Music Teacher: "What do you mean?"

Freddie: "AAAAAAAYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOO"

Music Class:"AAAAAAAYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOO"

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What time of year is Mercury and Uranus closest together?

Flu season

What does Freddie Mercury say when he plays hide & go seek?

Can anybody find me?

Freddie Mercury offered to cater my wedding, so I asked him how many cakes he’d be making.

He said “I want to bake three.”

If Freddie Mercury transmitted HIV to someone...

...Was it considered Mercury poisoning?

What do you call it when Freddie Mercury floats?

Flam-buoyant

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What kind of music do mercury, arsenic and lead listen to?

Heavy metal.

What do Freddie Mercury and a Chinese Outlaw have in common?

Raw men took 'em both out.

If Earth is the third planet from Sun after Mercury and Venus

Doesn't that make every country a third world country?

One day on Mercury lasts aproximately 1408 hours

The same as one Monday on earth

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Mercury asked the Sun what he was.

The Sun said: I'm a motherfucking star boy.

I see Freddie Mercury has had an asteroid named after him.

His surviving family have said how great it is to finally have Freddie immortalized in rock, and really appreciate the sediment.

What does a broken thermometer and AIDS have in common?

They've both wasted Mercury

What do you call the mercury mine?

Hg wells

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A man goes to the doctor

After a few tests he says
“Doc, I’m not feeling too good about my future health”

The doctor says
“Neither do I. Mercury is in Uranus after all”

The man replies
“What? I don’t believe a doctor believes in that astrology stuff”

“Oh, not that” answers the doctor. “My t...

Did you guys hear about Freddie Mercury's bedroom furniture store?

Nothing Really Mattress. They only sell queen size.

Queen were on their very first tour and there was a mishap in booking hotel rooms.

They were meant to book two rooms with two beds each - instead they ended up with a single room with one bed. They were considering drawing straws to determine who would sleep on the floor, but miraculously, Freddie Mercury, Brian May, John Deacon and Roger Taylor all managed to fit comfortably on t...

What's the most popular song at the new Freddie Mercury night club?

Dancing Queen.

Yeah I'm on a diet, I call it the "seefood diet"

I'm pretty sure the mercury's affecting my spelling

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What happens when the thermometer breaks during your rectal examination?

Mercury is in Uranus

My doctor banned me from listening to my Queen albums...

...due to their high Mercury content.

Did you hear about the new anti-vaxxer relationship counseling book?

Men are from Mars, Autism is from Mercury.

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A guy is being examined by his doctor

The doctor seems troubled.
“How’s it looking doc?” the guy asks. “Anything I should worry about?”
“Bad luck” says the doctor “I think you might die soon. Mercury is in Uranus”
The guy laughs “Ha! Don’t worry, I don’t put any faith it that astrology nonsense”
“No” says the doctor “I mean...

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Two men are hanging out at a bar, when one asks the other...

“Mate, if somebody gave you ten million dollars to have sex with Freddie Mercury, would you do it?

The other man, who is gay, says “I see no downside.”

The first man said: “Dude, Freddie Mercury died in 1991.”

The other one replied, “Exactly.”

I'm not impressed by Brian May's astrophysics degree.

I heard he called Mercury a star.

In 1982 Elton John attended one of Queen's concerts, but was shortly hospitalized afterwards.

Turns out they found traces of Mercury in him.

Three men go into a bar

They all start bragging about what kind of cars they have. The first man says, “I think I have the coolest car, because I am a horse racer and I have a Mustang.” The second man says “That’s cool, but mine is cooler. I’m an astronaut and I have a Mercury.” They both laugh and turn to the third man, w...

A man goes to a French market

He wanders around the market, looking for ingredients to make a fish stew. He buys some carrots, onions, and even a few exotic spices. But he still needs to find some fresh fish. He heads over to the deli where he sees an amazing arrangement of meats, cheeses, and of course, seafood. He asks the man...

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The most toxic substances known to mankind.

1. Arsenic
2. Cyanide
3. Polonium
4. Mercury
5. The League of Legends community

God wanted to take a vacation...

...so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on where to go.

"Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.

"No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.

"Well, how about Mercury?"

"No, it's too hot there."

"Okay," said St. Peter, "what about Earth?"
...

Stapleton Airport Incident

(This one is pretty old folks)
As reported by the San Jose Mercury News:

During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the d...

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Someone's written an album about thermometers...

I've heard it's been nominated for a Mercury Prize.

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God and Moses are playing golf on Saturn one day...

Moses says to god, "What you got planned for the weekend G? Wanna head out to mercury and lay on the beach, drink some beers, maybe get some ass?

God says "Nah man, last time I went out there I got hammered and passed out in the sun, woke up with the worst sunburn ever, ruined my whole tri...

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I hate double-standards; when my girlfriend puts on a pair of puppy-dog eyes, it's "cute", but when I do it...

Everyone is just "Oh god Mercury what the fuck did you do that puppy?!"

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The Planets

71% water + 29% land = Earth

100% land + 0% Chocolate = Mars

100% land + 0% Fertility = Venus

100% land and lava + 0% Freddy = Mercury

100% land + 0% Dog = Pluto

100% gas = Uranus

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What is cold?

What is cold?
(note: to get the temperature into Fahrenheit: multiply by 9, divide by 5, then add 32)

+10°C
The inhabitants of Helsinki (Finland) turn off their heating.
The Laps (inhabitants of Lapland) plant flowers.

+5°C
The Laps take a sun-bath (if the sun gets over the...

God decides it's time for a vacation...

...so he consults with a few of his angels to figure out where he should go for some much needed rest and relaxation. The first angel to speak up says "Well, sir, I hear Mercury is nice this time of year. It's nice and warm, you could catch some rays and maybe get a nice tan."
"That could be nic...

Daughter asked me, "Dad, who is your favorite Queen?"

I said, "Friddie Mercury"
And another one bites the dust.

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