A young Freddie Mercury walks into a music class

Music Teacher: "What instrument do you play?"

Freddie: "The crowd."

Music Teacher: "What do you mean?"

Freddie: "AAAAAAAYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOO"

Music Class:"AAAAAAAYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOO"

Why did Freddy Mercury stay home from school?

He had a temp of 200 degrees Farenheit.

Freddy Mercury, Venus Williams Williams Bruno Mars all happened to walk into the same bar.

But they didn't planet that way.

What did Freddie Mercury say when he was informed about No Nut November?

"Nutting really matters to me"

What's the difference between a man working in an imitation cheese factory and Freddie Mercury?

The first man wants to fake brie.

As a chemist I can conclude that Freddie Mercury's voice is full of beryllium, gold and titanium

Because his voice is Be-Au-Ti-full

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a health form for my doctor to fill out today. He reached into his pocket and pulled out an old mercury thermometer.

“Shit,” he said. “Some asshole has my pen!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During my annual check-up today, I asked my doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?" He replied, "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus right now." I said, "Sorry, but I don't really believe in any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

Why does Mercury go up in a sphygmomanometer?

Because it's under pressure.

Freddie Mercury: Can anybody find me somebody to love?

**Freddie Saturn:** If you like it then you shoulda put a ring around it.

My 11yo: " How did Freddie Mercury die?"

"He bit the dust."

#

I don't care what you think. That was dad-joke levels of funny.

I hate it when people compare Freddie Mercury to God

I mean He's good but He's no Freddie Mercury.

What does a deaf Freddie Mercury get?

Hearing aids

A bunch of actors were getting ready to be in a movie about famous singers and they were deciding who’s gonna be who

RDJ said “I’ll be Beethoven” and Hugh Jackman said “I’ll be Freddie Mercury” and then everyone turned to Arnold Schwarzenegger said “I’ll be Bach”

A journalist once asked Freddie Mercury what he wanted.

The question was: "you say you want to break free, you want to ride your bicycle, you want to make a supersonic man out of me... What do you want at the end?"

He answered : "I want it all and I want it now."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A scientist walks into a doctor's office to inquire about his fever.

The doctor asks the scientist to lay down and drop his pants, which the scientist does without question.

The doctor asks about the scientists field of work to which he replies "astronomy my dear boy". The doctor was overjoyed at this response as space had always interested him.


T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Astrology: When a thermometer breaks during your rectal examination.

Mercury will be in your anus

On Mercury's unlit side, it can get as low as -183 degrees Celsius...

But hey, on the bright side, it's 467 degrees Celsius.

What did the priest say when Freddie Mercury was lowered into his grave?

"This is the cleanest hole he's ever been in"

What does Freddie Mercury say when he plays hide & go seek?

Can anybody find me?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of music do mercury, arsenic and lead listen to?

Heavy metal.

What do you call it when Freddie Mercury floats?

Flam-buoyant

If Earth is the third planet from Sun after Mercury and Venus

Doesn't that make every country a third world country?

Why is it dangerous to listen to too much Queen?

Because of its high Mercury content.

After watching Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, I feel a little sick.

Must be the high Mercury content.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is found dead with Bohemian Rhapsody on repeat.

Poor bastard died of Mercury poisoning.

What do Freddie Mercury and a Chinese Outlaw have in common?

Raw men took 'em both out.

If Freddie Mercury transmitted HIV to someone...

...Was it considered Mercury poisoning?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mercury asked the Sun what he was.

The Sun said: I'm a motherfucking star boy.

I see Freddie Mercury has had an asteroid named after him.

His surviving family have said how great it is to finally have Freddie immortalized in rock, and really appreciate the sediment.

What do you call the mercury mine?

Hg wells

What did the man with mercury poisoning say?

It's 83 degrees Fahrenheit and 28 degrees Celsius.

Did you guys hear about Freddie Mercury's bedroom furniture store?

Nothing Really Mattress. They only sell queen size.

What does a broken thermometer and AIDS have in common?

They've both wasted Mercury

Queen were on their very first tour and there was a mishap in booking hotel rooms.

They were meant to book two rooms with two beds each - instead they ended up with a single room with one bed. They were considering drawing straws to determine who would sleep on the floor, but miraculously, Freddie Mercury, Brian May, John Deacon and Roger Taylor all managed to fit comfortably on t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A duck walks into my chemistry class

So, a duck walked into my chemistry class. The teacher jumped up and started shooing it out, but one kid gets between them and says "No, don't! Haven't you heard of this duck? He's a genius!" The teacher knows the kid is lying, but doesn't see the harm in humoring him, so she asks the kid to prove h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks into math exam not knowing anything

He apparently fails. So teacher gives him F.
Guy: please Mr.Donovan let me sing. I can sing like Freddie Mercury. Please let me sing, I promise you have never heard anything like that. and if I do so please give me a good grade.
Teacher looks at his colleagues and nods. Guy sings the shit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor

After a few tests he says
“Doc, I’m not feeling too good about my future health”

The doctor says
“Neither do I. Mercury is in Uranus after all”

The man replies
“What? I don’t believe a doctor believes in that astrology stuff”

“Oh, not that” answers the doctor. “My t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are hanging out at a bar, when one asks the other...

“Mate, if somebody gave you ten million dollars to have sex with Freddie Mercury, would you do it?

The other man, who is gay, says “I see no downside.”

The first man said: “Dude, Freddie Mercury died in 1991.”

The other one replied, “Exactly.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is being examined by his doctor

The doctor seems troubled.
“How’s it looking doc?” the guy asks. “Anything I should worry about?”
“Bad luck” says the doctor “I think you might die soon. Mercury is in Uranus”
The guy laughs “Ha! Don’t worry, I don’t put any faith it that astrology nonsense”
“No” says the doctor “I mean...

God wanted to take a vacation...

...so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on where to go.

"Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.

"No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.

"Well, how about Mercury?"

"No, it's too hot there."

"Okay," said St. Peter, "what about Earth?"
...

Did you hear about the new anti-vaxxer relationship counseling book?

Men are from Mars, Autism is from Mercury.

Yeah I'm on a diet, I call it the "seefood diet"

I'm pretty sure the mercury's affecting my spelling

In 1982 Elton John attended one of Queen's concerts, but was shortly hospitalized afterwards.

Turns out they found traces of Mercury in him.

My doctor banned me from listening to my Queen albums...

...due to their high Mercury content.

I'm not impressed by Brian May's astrophysics degree.

I heard he called Mercury a star.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stapleton Airport Incident

(This one is pretty old folks)
As reported by the San Jose Mercury News:

During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The most toxic substances known to mankind.

1. Arsenic
2. Cyanide
3. Polonium
4. Mercury
5. The League of Legends community

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Galileo Galilei Invented the Thermoscope Which is the Forerunner of the Rectal Thermometer.

Galileo also created the theory of heliocentric orbits by studying near planets like Mercury. This led to the discovery of further planets like Uranus.

This is a man who found two different ways to apply Mercury to Uranus.

A man goes to a French market

He wanders around the market, looking for ingredients to make a fish stew. He buys some carrots, onions, and even a few exotic spices. But he still needs to find some fresh fish. He heads over to the deli where he sees an amazing arrangement of meats, cheeses, and of course, seafood. He asks the man...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone's written an album about thermometers...

I've heard it's been nominated for a Mercury Prize.

Mercurian day

So - apparently one day on Mercury is an agonisingly long 1408 earth hours long...

In other words - one Earth Monday.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is cold?

What is cold?
(note: to get the temperature into Fahrenheit: multiply by 9, divide by 5, then add 32)

+10°C
The inhabitants of Helsinki (Finland) turn off their heating.
The Laps (inhabitants of Lapland) plant flowers.

+5°C
The Laps take a sun-bath (if the sun gets over the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Planets

71% water + 29% land = Earth

100% land + 0% Chocolate = Mars

100% land + 0% Fertility = Venus

100% land and lava + 0% Freddy = Mercury

100% land + 0% Dog = Pluto

100% gas = Uranus

God decides it's time for a vacation...

...so he consults with a few of his angels to figure out where he should go for some much needed rest and relaxation. The first angel to speak up says "Well, sir, I hear Mercury is nice this time of year. It's nice and warm, you could catch some rays and maybe get a nice tan."
"That could be nic...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God and Moses are playing golf on Saturn one day...

Moses says to god, "What you got planned for the weekend G? Wanna head out to mercury and lay on the beach, drink some beers, maybe get some ass?

God says "Nah man, last time I went out there I got hammered and passed out in the sun, woke up with the worst sunburn ever, ruined my whole tri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate double-standards; when my girlfriend puts on a pair of puppy-dog eyes, it's "cute", but when I do it...

Everyone is just "Oh god Mercury what the fuck did you do that puppy?!"

Daughter asked me, "Dad, who is your favorite Queen?"

I said, "Friddie Mercury"
And another one bites the dust.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.