Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams and Bruno Mars Walk into a bar.

But they didn't planet that way.

A young Freddie Mercury walks into a music class

Music Teacher: "What instrument do you play?"

Freddie: "The crowd."

Music Teacher: "What do you mean?"

Freddie: "AAAAAAAYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOO"

Music Class:"AAAAAAAYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOO"

Why did Freddy Mercury stay home from school?

He had a temp of 200 degrees Farenheit.

As a chemist I can conclude that Freddie Mercury's voice is full of beryllium, gold and titanium

Because his voice is Be-Au-Ti-full

Freddie Mercury offered to cater my wedding, so I asked him how many cakes he’d be making.

He said “I want to bake three.”

What did Freddie Mercury say when he was informed about No Nut November?

"Nutting really matters to me"

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What do you get when Freddy Mercury fucks your ear?

Hearing aids

What's the difference between a man working in an imitation cheese factory and Freddie Mercury?

The first man wants to fake brie.

What did the priest say when Freddie Mercury was lowered into his grave?

"This is the cleanest hole he's ever been in"

I don't like it when people compare Freddie Mercury to God...

I mean, he's great and good and all that, but he's no Freddie Mercury.

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A man goes to the doctor for a check-up.

Man: Will I be alright doc?

Doctor: You are in grave danger, Mercury is in Uranus.

Man: I don't buy in to that astrology nonsense!

Doctor: Neither do I. My thermometer broke.

On Mercury's unlit side, it can get as low as -183 degrees Celsius...

But hey, on the bright side, it's 467 degrees Celsius.

My 11yo: " How did Freddie Mercury die?"

"He bit the dust."

#

I don't care what you think. That was dad-joke levels of funny.

A journalist once asked Freddie Mercury what he wanted.

The question was: "you say you want to break free, you want to ride your bicycle, you want to make a supersonic man out of me... What do you want at the end?"

He answered : "I want it all and I want it now."

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During my check-up, I asked the doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?" He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now." I guffawed, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

If Freddie Mercury transmitted HIV to someone...

...Was it considered Mercury poisoning?

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A man visited the doctor

The doctor checked his temperature with a thermometer, they were having a chat.

The doctor said ‘Mercury is in Uranus’. The patient replied ‘I’m not into that astrology stuff’. The doctor said ‘me neither, my thermometer just broke’

What do you call it when Freddie Mercury floats?

Flam-buoyant

What does a broken thermometer and AIDS have in common?

They've both wasted Mercury

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What kind of music do mercury, arsenic and lead listen to?

Heavy metal.

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If a rectal thermometer breaks in your butt

There’s mercury in Uranus

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Guy walks into math exam not knowing anything

He apparently fails. So teacher gives him F.
Guy: please Mr.Donovan let me sing. I can sing like Freddie Mercury. Please let me sing, I promise you have never heard anything like that. and if I do so please give me a good grade.
Teacher looks at his colleagues and nods. Guy sings the shit...

If Earth is the third planet from Sun after Mercury and Venus

Doesn't that make every country a third world country?

What do Freddie Mercury and a Chinese Outlaw have in common?

Raw men took 'em both out.

One day the Roman god Jupiter received a forwarded email from Zeus.

“I wouldn’t open the attachment,” warned Jupiter’s son, Mercury. “Beware of Greeks bearing gifs.”

Poetry in motion

So drivers of midsized Mercury SUV's noticed that when their vehicles got older they developed a permanent thing skin of ice all over the vehicle

Ford technicians quickly investigated the issue and came back with the report that there was nothing to worry about.

They were quoted as sa...

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Mercury asked the Sun what he was.

The Sun said: I'm a motherfucking star boy.

I see Freddie Mercury has had an asteroid named after him.

His surviving family have said how great it is to finally have Freddie immortalized in rock, and really appreciate the sediment.

What do you call the mercury mine?

Hg wells

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A guy is being examined by his doctor

The doctor seems troubled.
“How’s it looking doc?” the guy asks. “Anything I should worry about?”
“Bad luck” says the doctor “I think you might die soon. Mercury is in Uranus”
The guy laughs “Ha! Don’t worry, I don’t put any faith it that astrology nonsense”
“No” says the doctor “I mean...

Did you guys hear about Freddie Mercury's bedroom furniture store?

Nothing Really Mattress. They only sell queen size.

Did you hear about the new anti-vaxxer relationship counseling book?

Men are from Mars, Autism is from Mercury.

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Two men are hanging out at a bar, when one asks the other...

“Mate, if somebody gave you ten million dollars to have sex with Freddie Mercury, would you do it?

The other man, who is gay, says “I see no downside.”

The first man said: “Dude, Freddie Mercury died in 1991.”

The other one replied, “Exactly.”

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A man goes to the doctor

After a few tests he says
“Doc, I’m not feeling too good about my future health”

The doctor says
“Neither do I. Mercury is in Uranus after all”

The man replies
“What? I don’t believe a doctor believes in that astrology stuff”

“Oh, not that” answers the doctor. “My t...

Yeah I'm on a diet, I call it the "seefood diet"

I'm pretty sure the mercury's affecting my spelling

My doctor banned me from listening to my Queen albums...

...due to their high Mercury content.

I'm not impressed by Brian May's astrophysics degree.

I heard he called Mercury a star.

In 1982 Elton John attended one of Queen's concerts, but was shortly hospitalized afterwards.

Turns out they found traces of Mercury in him.

Three men go into a bar

They all start bragging about what kind of cars they have. The first man says, “I think I have the coolest car, because I am a horse racer and I have a Mustang.” The second man says “That’s cool, but mine is cooler. I’m an astronaut and I have a Mercury.” They both laugh and turn to the third man, w...

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Someone's written an album about thermometers...

I've heard it's been nominated for a Mercury Prize.

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The most toxic substances known to mankind.

1. Arsenic
2. Cyanide
3. Polonium
4. Mercury
5. The League of Legends community

God wanted to take a vacation...

...so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on where to go.

"Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.

"No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.

"Well, how about Mercury?"

"No, it's too hot there."

"Okay," said St. Peter, "what about Earth?"
...

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Stapleton Airport Incident

(This one is pretty old folks)
As reported by the San Jose Mercury News:

During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the d...

A man goes to a French market

He wanders around the market, looking for ingredients to make a fish stew. He buys some carrots, onions, and even a few exotic spices. But he still needs to find some fresh fish. He heads over to the deli where he sees an amazing arrangement of meats, cheeses, and of course, seafood. He asks the man...

Mercurian day

So - apparently one day on Mercury is an agonisingly long 1408 earth hours long...

In other words - one Earth Monday.

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The Planets

71% water + 29% land = Earth

100% land + 0% Chocolate = Mars

100% land + 0% Fertility = Venus

100% land and lava + 0% Freddy = Mercury

100% land + 0% Dog = Pluto

100% gas = Uranus

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What is cold?

What is cold?
(note: to get the temperature into Fahrenheit: multiply by 9, divide by 5, then add 32)

+10°C
The inhabitants of Helsinki (Finland) turn off their heating.
The Laps (inhabitants of Lapland) plant flowers.

+5°C
The Laps take a sun-bath (if the sun gets over the...

God decides it's time for a vacation...

...so he consults with a few of his angels to figure out where he should go for some much needed rest and relaxation. The first angel to speak up says "Well, sir, I hear Mercury is nice this time of year. It's nice and warm, you could catch some rays and maybe get a nice tan."
"That could be nic...

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I hate double-standards; when my girlfriend puts on a pair of puppy-dog eyes, it's "cute", but when I do it...

Everyone is just "Oh god Mercury what the fuck did you do that puppy?!"

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God and Moses are playing golf on Saturn one day...

Moses says to god, "What you got planned for the weekend G? Wanna head out to mercury and lay on the beach, drink some beers, maybe get some ass?

God says "Nah man, last time I went out there I got hammered and passed out in the sun, woke up with the worst sunburn ever, ruined my whole tri...

Daughter asked me, "Dad, who is your favorite Queen?"

I said, "Friddie Mercury"
And another one bites the dust.

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