Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams and Bruno Mars Walk into a bar.

But they didn't planet that way.

As a chemist I can conclude that Freddie Mercury's voice is full of beryllium, gold and titanium

Because his voice is Be-Au-Ti-full

Freddie Mercury offered to cater my wedding, so I asked him how many cakes he’d be making.

He said “I want to bake three.”

If Freddie Mercury transmitted HIV to someone...

...Was it considered Mercury poisoning?

What does Freddie Mercury say when he plays hide & go seek?

Can anybody find me?

A young Freddie Mercury walks into a music class

Music Teacher: "What instrument do you play?"

Freddie: "The crowd."

Music Teacher: "What do you mean?"

Freddie: "AAAAAAAYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOO"

Music Class:"AAAAAAAYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOO"

Why did Freddy Mercury stay home from school?

He had a temp of 200 degrees Farenheit.

I don't like it when people compare Freddie Mercury to God...

I mean, he's great and good and all that, but he's no Freddie Mercury.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

What do you call it when Freddie Mercury floats?

Flam-buoyant

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What kind of music do mercury, arsenic and lead listen to?

Heavy metal.

What do Freddie Mercury and a Chinese Outlaw have in common?

Raw men took 'em both out.

If Earth is the third planet from Sun after Mercury and Venus

Doesn't that make every country a third world country?

I see Freddie Mercury has had an asteroid named after him.

His surviving family have said how great it is to finally have Freddie immortalized in rock, and really appreciate the sediment.

What did the man with mercury poisoning say?

It's 83 degrees Fahrenheit and 28 degrees Celsius.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mercury asked the Sun what he was.

The Sun said: I'm a motherfucking star boy.

What's the most popular song at the new Freddie Mercury night club?

Dancing Queen.

What do you call the mercury mine?

Hg wells

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Freddie Mercury Joke

If you had sex with Freddie Mercury and got AIDS, would that be considered Mercury poisoning?

Why do you die if you listen to too much Queen

It has a very high mercury content.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor

After a few tests he says
“Doc, I’m not feeling too good about my future health”

The doctor says
“Neither do I. Mercury is in Uranus after all”

The man replies
“What? I don’t believe a doctor believes in that astrology stuff”

“Oh, not that” answers the doctor. “My t...

Did you hear about the new anti-vaxxer relationship counseling book?

Men are from Mars, Autism is from Mercury.

Yeah I'm on a diet, I call it the "seefood diet"

I'm pretty sure the mercury's affecting my spelling

My doctor banned me from listening to my Queen albums...

...due to their high Mercury content.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What happens when the thermometer breaks during your rectal examination?

Mercury is in Uranus

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two men are hanging out at a bar, when one asks the other...

“Mate, if somebody gave you ten million dollars to have sex with Freddie Mercury, would you do it?

The other man, who is gay, says “I see no downside.”

The first man said: “Dude, Freddie Mercury died in 1991.”

The other one replied, “Exactly.”

Three men go into a bar

They all start bragging about what kind of cars they have. The first man says, “I think I have the coolest car, because I am a horse racer and I have a Mustang.” The second man says “That’s cool, but mine is cooler. I’m an astronaut and I have a Mercury.” They both laugh and turn to the third man, w...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy is being examined by his doctor

The doctor seems troubled.
“How’s it looking doc?” the guy asks. “Anything I should worry about?”
“Bad luck” says the doctor “I think you might die soon. Mercury is in Uranus”
The guy laughs “Ha! Don’t worry, I don’t put any faith it that astrology nonsense”
“No” says the doctor “I mean...

I'm not impressed by Brian May's astrophysics degree.

I heard he called Mercury a star.

In 1982 Elton John attended one of Queen's concerts, but was shortly hospitalized afterwards.

Turns out they found traces of Mercury in him.

A man goes to a French market

He wanders around the market, looking for ingredients to make a fish stew. He buys some carrots, onions, and even a few exotic spices. But he still needs to find some fresh fish. He heads over to the deli where he sees an amazing arrangement of meats, cheeses, and of course, seafood. He asks the man...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Motor company acronyms

How many do you know? Here's what I've got
Mitsubishi-

Maybe
I'll
Trick
Some
Ugly
Bitch
Into
Some
Hot
Intercourse

Fiat-

Fix
It
Again
Tony

Mercury-

Many
Expensive
Repairs
Costs
Us
Ridiculous
Y...

God wanted to take a vacation...

...so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on where to go.

"Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.

"No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.

"Well, how about Mercury?"

"No, it's too hot there."

"Okay," said St. Peter, "what about Earth?"
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The most toxic substances known to mankind.

1. Arsenic
2. Cyanide
3. Polonium
4. Mercury
5. The League of Legends community

Stapleton Airport Incident

(This one is pretty old folks)
As reported by the San Jose Mercury News:

During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the d...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Someone's written an album about thermometers...

I've heard it's been nominated for a Mercury Prize.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

God and Moses are playing golf on Saturn one day...

Moses says to god, "What you got planned for the weekend G? Wanna head out to mercury and lay on the beach, drink some beers, maybe get some ass?

God says "Nah man, last time I went out there I got hammered and passed out in the sun, woke up with the worst sunburn ever, ruined my whole tri...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hate double-standards; when my girlfriend puts on a pair of puppy-dog eyes, it's "cute", but when I do it...

Everyone is just "Oh god Mercury what the fuck did you do that puppy?!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Planets

71% water + 29% land = Earth

100% land + 0% Chocolate = Mars

100% land + 0% Fertility = Venus

100% land and lava + 0% Freddy = Mercury

100% land + 0% Dog = Pluto

100% gas = Uranus

Mercurian day

So - apparently one day on Mercury is an agonisingly long 1408 earth hours long...

In other words - one Earth Monday.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is cold?

What is cold?
(note: to get the temperature into Fahrenheit: multiply by 9, divide by 5, then add 32)

+10°C
The inhabitants of Helsinki (Finland) turn off their heating.
The Laps (inhabitants of Lapland) plant flowers.

+5°C
The Laps take a sun-bath (if the sun gets over the...

God decides it's time for a vacation...

...so he consults with a few of his angels to figure out where he should go for some much needed rest and relaxation. The first angel to speak up says "Well, sir, I hear Mercury is nice this time of year. It's nice and warm, you could catch some rays and maybe get a nice tan."
"That could be nic...

Daughter asked me, "Dad, who is your favorite Queen?"

I said, "Friddie Mercury"
And another one bites the dust.