Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calendar?

They both got 6 months.

Did you hear about the two criminals who stole a calendar?

They both got 6 months.

P.S this is my first ever post! Please be nice!

Sorry for the typo

I lost my job at the calendar factory

All because i took a day off.

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory.

All I did was take a day off.

I see Google Calendar is down

I thought I'd never see the day

Invisible calendars...

... that's something you don't see every day.

What's the difference between a calendar and me?

A calendar has dates.

The Calendar Had to Visit the Doctor.

It had a terrible year-ache.

Two calendars fell in love with each other

They went on a lot of dates

Tomorrow I have to pick up my mate from prison, the idiot got caught stealing a calendar.

It was alright, he only got 12 months.

I declare a war on calendars!

Their days are numbered.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg

The Gregorian calendar

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous.

The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

My calendar has all the dates rubbed off.

Now whenever I cross one of the boxes my roommate thinks I'm playing Tic-Tac-Toe with him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just bought a Jehovah Witness themed advent calendar,

behind every door someone tells you to fuck off

What is the difference between you and a calendar?

A calendar has a date on Valentine's day

I'm not sure how long my life as a calendar will last...

...but I know my days are numbered.

A calendar goes to the doctor and asks him to give it to him straight...

“Okay. You’ve got 12 months.”

I won a year supply of dates once

Turned out it was just a calendar.

2019 is the first calendar year...

Where the 24th was the end of May.

What do a calendar and a non vaxxed kid have in common?

Their days are numbered.

A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks "hmm...

Did you hear about the Advent calendar that passed away?

Its days were numbered.

You shouldn't see any horror movie today

It May, Fri 10 you

Edit (after 9 hours) : I am so very sorry I posted this too late. I am reading a lot of comments saying they can't tell this to anyone now since it's now the 11th. I had been waiting a long time for this and set up calendar reminders and everything but didn't see the remind...

Why is Stevie wonders calendar like meeting people on tinder?

It’s all blind dates...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For the upcoming new year I made a raunchy calendar involving buff, handsome men from the mines. I was arrested by the police.

For sexual or suggestive content involving Miners.

Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?

Their days are numbered

Now that it’s 2019 I bought a new calendar but I’m afraid for it...

It’s days are numbered.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Advent calendar

I just got my new jehovas witness Advent calendar, everytime I open a door it says "fuck off, not today!"

It took me 2 weeks to realize my calendar was printed upside-down.

What followed was an interesting turn of events.

Joke Explanation

So we have a dad joke calendar at work that we check every day. Today's joke was as follows:

Q: How do you make an apple puff?

A: Chase it around the garden!

Can someone explain what the hell this means? Everyone at work has been racking their brains trying to figure it out and ...

Someone stole my calendar. Bad news for them...

They have to attend my mother-in-law's party next weekend.

I think I need glasses

I was at the store picking out a desk calendar for next year but I couldn't make out a thing printed on them. I guess I don't have 20/20 vision

How did the guy who touched the 2018 calendar get electrocuted.

.


.


.


.

Cause it was the **"current"** year.


¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯

10 best one-liners from the 2019 Edinburgh fringe

**"I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have Florets".**

The gag won 41% of the vote.

## Best of the rest

Ten jokes made the 2019 shortlist. Here are the next nine:

* "Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they'r...

I was so poor growing up, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper…

Now those days are behind me…

A calendar gets diagnosed with terminal cancer...

Poignant and pensive, he says, "I suppose my days are numbered."

My advent calendar only has days that end in 1,3,5,7,9.

That’s odd.

Did anyone hear about that guy that broke into the Police Department to steal there calendar?

He got 12 months.

I love my calendar!

We go out on so many dates each month!

A man wrote a poem about a calendar to seduce a girl.

He was later charged with date rap.

What do you call two hippos riding a bicycle?

Optimistic!



My friend had this on a joke calendar this morning. If anyone can, please explain this to us. Are we that dumb that we don't get it, or is it so obvious that we might be over thinking it?

Why couldn't the calendar eat the whole month?

He had a week stomach

"Your days are numbered!"

# "Your days are numbered!"



Inventor of the calendar, joyously announcing his accomplishment!

Got myself a Microsoft advent calendar

but I'm worried that once I've opened 3 or 4 windows I won't be able to open any more...

I lost my job at the calendar factory.

My boss said it was unacceptable that I'd taken a few days off.

Which calendar era did Michael Jackson most like to sing about?

A)BC
B)AD

It’s my wife’s birthday and she said she wanted to get something that could last all year long

So I gave her a calendar

The day after I was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, I lost my calendar.

My life has been pretty uneventful since.

It must really suck working for a calendar company

You can't take any days off

A young Naval Officer has just boarded a ship that he will serve on for the next year.

He meets with the captain who gives him a tour, and tells him the way things are done on this ship. After the tour the young officer asks his captain “Sir we’re going to be on this boat for the next year, how do you guys last that long without the company of a woman?”. The captain ushers the young o...

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