I recently lost my job at the calendar factory

All I did was take a day off

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought a Microsoft advent calendar...

But if you open too many windows at once, they shut down for no fucking reason.

To the criminals who stole my calendar

I hope you both get six months!

To the person who stole my calendar...

Mark my words, your days are numbered.

There was a man who hated calendars

He said to the public: if you have a calendar, your days are numbered

What's the difference between me and a calendar?

A calendar has dates... :)

I got fired from my job at the calendar factory

I don’t know why. All I did was take a few days off.

I see Google Calendar is down

I thought I'd never see the day

A man was locked in a room with nothing but a calendar and a bed. How does he survive?

He eats dates from the calendar and drinks water from the springs of the bed.

I got fired from the calendar factory.

They were really strict about employee taking a day off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've got an advent calendar for Jehovah's Witnesses...

Every time you open a door, someone tells you to fuck off.

Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?

They each got 6 months!

The government just banned the fifth month of the calendar year.

Everyone was dismayed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sunday: Greg. Monday: Ian. Tuesday: Greg. Wednesday: Ian. Thursday: Greg. Friday: Ian. Saturday: Greg

So this is how the Gregorian calendar was created.

Two calendars fell in love with each other

They went on a lot of dates

Invisible calendars...

... that's something you don't see every day.

The Calendar Had to Visit the Doctor.

It had a terrible year-ache.

My girlfriend is like a calendar

She has 12 months

A man got caught stealing a calendar

He got 12 months

My calendar has all the dates rubbed off.

Now whenever I cross one of the boxes my roommate thinks I'm playing Tic-Tac-Toe with him.

I think my calendar is broken...

Haha, April Fools!
It works just fine.

What do a calendar and a non vaxxed kid have in common?

Their days are numbered.

I'm not sure how long my life as a calendar will last...

...but I know my days are numbered.

A calendar goes to the doctor and asks him to give it to him straight...

“Okay. You’ve got 12 months.”

2019 is the first calendar year...

Where the 24th was the end of May.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For the upcoming new year I made a raunchy calendar involving buff, handsome men from the mines. I was arrested by the police.

For sexual or suggestive content involving Miners.

Someone stole my calendar. Bad news for them...

They have to attend my mother-in-law's party next weekend.

A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks "hmm...

My love life is a lot like an old ruined calendar

I can't find a date.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2020 one-ish liners

2020 so far:
-Welp, I guess somebody finally fracked their way through the wrong Native burial site.

-You think 7 years bad luck for breaking a mirror is bad? You should see what happens when you let polar ice caps melt.

-Nobody’s trying to keep the Jews as slaves again are they? ‘...

It took me 2 weeks to realize my calendar was printed upside-down.

What followed was an interesting turn of events.

You shouldn't see any horror movie today

It May, Fri 10 you

Edit (after 9 hours) : I am so very sorry I posted this too late. I am reading a lot of comments saying they can't tell this to anyone now since it's now the 11th. I had been waiting a long time for this and set up calendar reminders and everything but didn't see the remind...

I was so poor growing up, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper…

Now those days are behind me…

How did the guy who touched the 2018 calendar get electrocuted.





Cause it was the **"current"** year.


My advent calendar only has days that end in 1,3,5,7,9.

That’s odd.

Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?

Their days are numbered

Now that it’s 2019 I bought a new calendar but I’m afraid for it...

It’s days are numbered.

I won a year supply of dates once

Turned out it was just a calendar.

A sheepdog was working with a farmer to get the sheep into the pen.

When he was finished, he said to the farmer, "That's all fifty sheep!"

Confused, the farmer said, "But I only have forty-eight sheep."

The sheepdog replied, "I know. I rounded them up!"

^(courtesy of my desktop dog calendar I got last xmas)

Why is Stevie wonders calendar like meeting people on tinder?

It’s all blind dates...

A calendar gets diagnosed with terminal cancer...

Poignant and pensive, he says, "I suppose my days are numbered."

I lost my job at the calendar factory.

My boss said it was unacceptable that I'd taken a few days off.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.