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Calendar Jokes

2020 has a new calendar out

January

February

Lockdown

December

Invisible calendars...

... that's something you don't see every day.

Why are calendar puns so bad?

Because they are always so week and dated

What's a calendar's favorite treat?

Dates!


(My first time posting here, but I was snacking on dates and this came to my mind)

I got fired from the calendar factory

just for taking a day off :(

Why does Peter Parker only have eleven months on his calendar?

Because he lost May.

I'm worried about the calendar

It's days are numbered

To the English teacher that stole my calendar...

Your days are numbered. Mark my words.

I bought a Russian advent calendar.

Every time you open a window an oligarch falls out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg

The Gregorian calendar

Two guys stole a calendar

They both got 6 months

Sun: Greg, Mon: Ian, Tue: Greg, Wed: Ian, Thur: Greg, Fri: Ian, Sat: Greg

It's the Gregorian calendar.

I hate that September, October, November, and December are somehow the 9th, 10th, 11th, and 12th months of the calendar year

Whoever messed that up ought to be stabbed

I met a fortune teller and he gave me a calendar as a little gift.

What a lovely thought, it's just a shame there's five months missing at the end of the year.

Sometimes i wish i were a calendar

That way, I’ll have so many dates

I got fired from my job at the calendar factory

I got fired from my job at the calendar factory a couple weeks ago, and all I did was take a few days off.

But it's alright, I think I'm going to become a mirror washer.

It's something I can really see myself doing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just bought a Jehovah Witness themed advent calendar,

behind every door someone tells you to fuck off

What’s the difference between me and a calendar?

A calendar has dates

Why did the calendar maker get fired from his job?

He took a day off

Why does our calendar include names of gods?

So we remember the deities.

I tried installing a calendar app but accidentally installed a colander .

It keeps draining my battery.

My friend losr his job making calendars.

He took to many days off.

Villain : Why is my calendar wrapped in aluminium?

Superhero : I’ve foiled your plan.

I see Google Calendar is down

I thought I'd never see the day

Did you know the original Gregorian calendar had different months?

January = Greg

February = Ian

March = Greg

April = Ian

May = Ian

June = Greg

July = Ian

August = Greg

September = Greg

October = Ian

November = Greg

December = Ian

Calendars are becoming obsolete.

In fact, I think their days are numbered.

You shouldn't see any horror movie today

It May, Fri 10 you

Edit (after 9 hours) : I am so very sorry I posted this too late. I am reading a lot of comments saying they can't tell this to anyone now since it's now the 11th. I had been waiting a long time for this and set up calendar reminders and everything but didn't see the remind...

What’s the difference between Leonardo di Caprio and a calendar

Leo’s dates only go up to 25

Every year, I’m amazed that advent calendars continue to sell out.

I thought their days were numbered.

What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar?

He got 25 days



(ba dum tsssss)

I don't have an advent calendar

So I'm just opening cupboards and eating whatever is in there

What do a calendar and a non vaxxed kid have in common?

Their days are numbered.

The Calendar Had to Visit the Doctor.

It had a terrible year-ache.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought a Microsoft advent calendar...

But if you open too many windows at once, they shut down for no fucking reason.

Two calendars fell in love with each other

They went on a lot of dates

The government just banned the fifth month of the calendar year.

Everyone was dismayed.

Last night I dreamed I was in Paris. The year was 1789.

I was poor and hungry. My clothes were in tatters. I was all alone.

Far away I saw the palace, and when the guards weren’t watching, I slipped inside.

I smelled food. I followed the smell.

There I saw the Queen, feasting on a huge banquet, with a dozen ladies of the court.
...

Someone stole my calendar. Bad news for them...

They have to attend my mother-in-law's party next weekend.

A stationery store was broken into. Box files, wall calendars and appointment diaries were stolen.

Police suspect highly organised crime.

Your phone has already replaced your watch, camera, calendar and alarm clock...

Don't let it replace your family.

A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks "hmm...

I’d like to wish all mothers a Happy Mother’s Day!

…and make all the Americans panic.

(It’s Mother’s Day in the UK, for those worriedly looking at their calendar.)

I was so poor growing up, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper…

Now those days are behind me…

There was a man who hated calendars

He said to the public: if you have a calendar, your days are numbered

I lost my job at the calendar factory.

My boss said it was unacceptable that I'd taken a few days off.

My calendar has all the dates rubbed off.

Now whenever I cross one of the boxes my roommate thinks I'm playing Tic-Tac-Toe with him.

2019 is the first calendar year...

Where the 24th was the end of May.

I think my calendar is broken...

Haha, April Fools!
It works just fine.

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