I got fired from the calendar factory

just for taking a day off :(

To the person who stole my calendar...

Mark my words, your days are numbered.

Two criminals stole a calendar

They got six months each

I’m worried about the calendar

It’s days are numbered

What's a calendar's favorite treat?

Dates!


(My first time posting here, but I was snacking on dates and this came to my mind)

Why are calendar puns so bad?

Because they are always so week and dated

What did the calendar say after Tuesday?

WTF

Villain : Why is my calendar wrapped in aluminium?

Superhero : I’ve foiled your plan.

Calendars are becoming obsolete.

In fact, I think their days are numbered.

I got fired from my job at the calendar factory

I got fired from my job at the calendar factory a couple weeks ago, and all I did was take a few days off.

But it's alright, I think I'm going to become a mirror washer.

It's something I can really see myself doing

2020 has a new calendar out

January

February

Lockdown

December

I told my doctors I have a phobia of calendars

He asked me why

I replied, "Because its days are numbered."

A stationery store was broken into. Box files, wall calendars and appointment diaries were stolen.

Police suspect highly organised crime.

We were so poor that all we had for toilet paper was a calendar...



Now those days are behind me.

A joke I made up 10yr ago on a road trip: What did the calendar say on its death bed

My days are numbered

BREAKING NEWS: Man arrested due to possessing a stolen calendar

He got twelve months

Invisible calendars...

... that's something you don't see every day.

My Uncle John's Bathroom Reader calendar has these jokes from Philogelos ("Love of Laughter"), the oldest surviving joke book, dating back to the 4th century AD. They held up surprisingly well.

* A cheapskate wrote his will and named himself as the heir.
* An intellectual came to check in on a friend who was seriously ill. When the man's wife said that he had departed, the intellectual replied, "When he arrives back, tell him that I stopped by."
* An envious landlord saw how happy hi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

True facts....

\*\*\*\*True Facts\*\*\*\*

1. IN the 1400s, a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb, hence we have 'the rule of thumb'.

2. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only, Ladies Fo...

What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar?

He got 25 days



(ba dum tsssss)

What's the difference between a calendar and you?

A calendar has a date for Valentine's day!

The government just banned the fifth month of the calendar year.

Everyone was dismayed.

I don't know what animal the year 2020 is in the Chinese calendar

but I'm pretty sure it has rabies.

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop. She confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it..???

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed:
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the Meat each week, came into the shop and said. "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know." Said the Butcher with a smi...

I see Google Calendar is down

I thought I'd never see the day

Sun: Greg, Mon: Ian, Tue: Greg, Wed: Ian, Thur: Greg, Fri: Ian, Sat: Greg

It's the Gregorian calendar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just bought a Jehovah's Witness advent calendar

Behind every door, someone tells you to fuck off

Coworker: Long day, huh?

Me: *looks at calendar* The longest.

What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on new years eve?

He got 12 months!

What do a calendar and a non vaxxed kid have in common?

Their days are numbered.

The Calendar Had to Visit the Doctor.

It had a terrible year-ache.

Two calendars fell in love with each other

They went on a lot of dates

Whats the difference between Me and a Calendar ?

a Calendar has dates.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought a Microsoft advent calendar...

But if you open too many windows at once, they shut down for no fucking reason.

My girlfriend is like a calendar

She has 12 months

The vet said she will put the dog down.

"But why?!" exclaimed the owner.

"Because he's heavy." explained the dogtor.


-taken from a cat calendar.

How does a lawyer sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.



A few other excellent puns:

He wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then he changed his mind.

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? - Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.

A ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg

The Gregorian calendar

A calendar goes to the doctor and asks him to give it to him straight...

“Okay. You’ve got 12 months.”

My advent calendar only has days that end in 1,3,5,7,9.

That’s odd.

A man was locked in a room with nothing but a calendar and a bed. How does he survive?

He eats dates from the calendar and drinks water from the springs of the bed.

2019 is the first calendar year...

Where the 24th was the end of May.

I think my calendar is broken...

Haha, April Fools!
It works just fine.

Someone stole my calendar. Bad news for them...

They have to attend my mother-in-law's party next weekend.

My calendar has all the dates rubbed off.

Now whenever I cross one of the boxes my roommate thinks I'm playing Tic-Tac-Toe with him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For the upcoming new year I made a raunchy calendar involving buff, handsome men from the mines. I was arrested by the police.

For sexual or suggestive content involving Miners.

Came home to find all my doors had been smashed in and everything was gone.

What kind of sicko does that to someone’s advent calendar?

Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?

Their days are numbered

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