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Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg

The Gregorian calendar

Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calendar?

They both got 6 months.

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory…

All I did was take a day off!

Tomorrow I have to pick up my mate from prison, the idiot got caught stealing a calendar.

It was alright, he only got 12 months.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous.

The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

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Just bought a Jehovah Witness themed advent calendar,

behind every door someone tells you to fuck off

I see Google Calendar is down

I thought I'd never see the day

You see that's the problem with calendars

In one year, out the other.

Whats the difference between Me and a Calendar ?

a Calendar has dates.

I declare a war on calendars!

Their days are numbered.

Did you hear about the two criminals who stole a calendar?

They both got 6 months.

P.S this is my first ever post! Please be nice!

Sorry for the typo

A calendar goes to the doctor and asks him to give it to him straight...

“Okay. You’ve got 12 months.”

What is the difference between you and a calendar?

A calendar has a date on Valentine's day

What do a calendar and a non vaxxed kid have in common?

Their days are numbered.

My calendar has all the dates rubbed off.

Now whenever I cross one of the boxes my roommate thinks I'm playing Tic-Tac-Toe with him.

2019 is the first calendar year...

Where the 24th was the end of May.

Why is Stevie wonders calendar like meeting people on tinder?

It’s all blind dates...

Now that it’s 2019 I bought a new calendar but I’m afraid for it...

It’s days are numbered.

Did you hear about the Advent calendar that passed away?

Its days were numbered.

It took me 2 weeks to realize my calendar was printed upside-down.

What followed was an interesting turn of events.

Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?

Their days are numbered

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Advent calendar

I just got my new jehovas witness Advent calendar, everytime I open a door it says "fuck off, not today!"

Someone stole my calendar. Bad news for them...

They have to attend my mother-in-law's party next weekend.

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For the upcoming new year I made a raunchy calendar involving buff, handsome men from the mines. I was arrested by the police.

For sexual or suggestive content involving Miners.

How did the guy who touched the 2018 calendar get electrocuted.

.


.


.


.

Cause it was the **"current"** year.


¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯

I won a lifetime supply of calendars!

But so far they've only sent me two and a half.

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When I was poor I had to use old calendars to wipe my arse.

Now those days are behind me.

A calendar gets diagnosed with terminal cancer...

Poignant and pensive, he says, "I suppose my days are numbered."

Just got home and found all the doors and windows wide open and everything gone...

What kind of sick person would do this to my Advent calendar?

My advent calendar only has days that end in 1,3,5,7,9.

That’s odd.

A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks "hmm...

Did anyone hear about that guy that broke into the Police Department to steal there calendar?

He got 12 months.

I love my calendar!

We go out on so many dates each month!

A man wrote a poem about a calendar to seduce a girl.

He was later charged with date rap.

Why couldn't the calendar eat the whole month?

He had a week stomach

Which calendar era did Michael Jackson most like to sing about?

A)BC
B)AD

Got myself a Microsoft advent calendar

but I'm worried that once I've opened 3 or 4 windows I won't be able to open any more...

You shouldn't see any horror movie today

It May, Fri 10 you

Edit (after 9 hours) : I am so very sorry I posted this too late. I am reading a lot of comments saying they can't tell this to anyone now since it's now the 11th. I had been waiting a long time for this and set up calendar reminders and everything but didn't see the remind...

I lost my job at the calendar factory.

My boss said it was unacceptable that I'd taken a few days off.

The day after I was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, I lost my calendar.

My life has been pretty uneventful since.

It must really suck working for a calendar company

You can't take any days off

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I'm going to make a calendar of sexy Islamic extremists

I will call it, Ji-hotties

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