What is the difference between me and a calendar?

The calendar has dates...

To the person who stole my calendar...

Mark my words, your days are numbered.

I got fired from the calendar factory

just for taking a day off :(

Someone removed the fifth month from the calendar

I was really dismayed

Did you hear about the 2 guys who tried to steal a calendar?

They both got 6 months.

What did the calendar say after Tuesday?

WTF

What's a calendar's favorite treat?

Dates!


(My first time posting here, but I was snacking on dates and this came to my mind)

2020 has a new calendar out

January

February

Lockdown

December

A joke I made up 10yr ago on a road trip: What did the calendar say on its death bed

My days are numbered

BREAKING NEWS: Man arrested due to possessing a stolen calendar

He got twelve months

Invisible calendars...

... that's something you don't see every day.

Two crminals stole a calendar

They got six months each.

What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar?

He got 25 days



(ba dum tsssss)

I don't know what animal the year 2020 is in the Chinese calendar

but I'm pretty sure it has rabies.

Sun: Greg, Mon: Ian, Tue: Greg, Wed: Ian, Thur: Greg, Fri: Ian, Sat: Greg

It's the Gregorian calendar.

The Calendar Had to Visit the Doctor.

It had a terrible year-ache.

I see Google Calendar is down

I thought I'd never see the day

To those observing the lunar calendar

Happy Moooo year.

When January finally arrives we'll find out whether we've defeated the evil year 2020 or not. According to my calendar...

Twenty-twenty won.

People may have hope for the year after that, but I hear it'll be twenty-twenty too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just bought a Jehovah's Witness advent calendar

Behind every door, someone tells you to fuck off

How does a lawyer sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.



A few other excellent puns:

He wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then he changed his mind.

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? - Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.

A ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought a Microsoft advent calendar...

But if you open too many windows at once, they shut down for no fucking reason.

Two calendars fell in love with each other

They went on a lot of dates

Came home to find all my doors had been smashed in and everything was gone.

What kind of sicko does that to someone’s advent calendar?

What do a calendar and a non vaxxed kid have in common?

Their days are numbered.

My girlfriend is like a calendar

She has 12 months

What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on new years eve?

He got 12 months!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sunday: Greg. Monday: Ian. Tuesday: Greg. Wednesday: Ian. Thursday: Greg. Friday: Ian. Saturday: Greg

So this is how the Gregorian calendar was created.

A man was locked in a room with nothing but a calendar and a bed. How does he survive?

He eats dates from the calendar and drinks water from the springs of the bed.

The dumbest thing I bought in 2020

Calendar Planner

Do you know who have ultimate fate in humanity?

Calendar makers who already prepare calendars for 2021.

A calendar goes to the doctor and asks him to give it to him straight...

“Okay. You’ve got 12 months.”

It took me 2 weeks to realize my calendar was printed upside-down.

What followed was an interesting turn of events.

I think my calendar is broken...

Haha, April Fools!
It works just fine.

My calendar has all the dates rubbed off.

Now whenever I cross one of the boxes my roommate thinks I'm playing Tic-Tac-Toe with him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For the upcoming new year I made a raunchy calendar involving buff, handsome men from the mines. I was arrested by the police.

For sexual or suggestive content involving Miners.

2019 is the first calendar year...

Where the 24th was the end of May.

Two Old Men On A Bench

Two old men sat on a bench. We'll call them Bob and Joe. As Bob and Joe were sitting on the bench, Bob turns to Joe and asks, "Hey Joe, do you think there's baseball in Heaven?" Joe waits for a moment and replies, "well as you can tell with this cancer in all I don't have much time left......so I'll...

I was so poor growing up, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper…

Now those days are behind me…

My advent calendar only has days that end in 1,3,5,7,9.

That’s odd.

Someone stole my calendar. Bad news for them...

They have to attend my mother-in-law's party next weekend.

A fact of life:

After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF...

My love life is a lot like an old ruined calendar

I can't find a date.

A good Halloween decoration

If you need a good Halloween decoration, just put up a calendar. Cause nothing is as scary as 2020

Now that it’s 2019 I bought a new calendar but I’m afraid for it...

It’s days are numbered.

Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?

Their days are numbered

You shouldn't see any horror movie today

It May, Fri 10 you

Edit (after 9 hours) : I am so very sorry I posted this too late. I am reading a lot of comments saying they can't tell this to anyone now since it's now the 11th. I had been waiting a long time for this and set up calendar reminders and everything but didn't see the remind...

Why is Stevie wonders calendar like meeting people on tinder?

It’s all blind dates...

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