I got fired from the calendar factory

just for taking a day off :(

What's a calendar's favorite treat?

Dates!


(My first time posting here, but I was snacking on dates and this came to my mind)

To the person who stole my calendar...

Mark my words, your days are numbered.

What did the calendar say after Tuesday?

WTF

BREAKING NEWS: Man arrested due to possessing a stolen calendar

He got twelve months

2020 has a new calendar out

January

February

Lockdown

December

Villain : Why is my calendar wrapped in aluminium?

Superhero : I’ve foiled your plan.

Why are calendar puns so bad?

Because they are always so week and dated

I got fired from my job at the calendar factory

I got fired from my job at the calendar factory a couple weeks ago, and all I did was take a few days off.

But it's alright, I think I'm going to become a mirror washer.

It's something I can really see myself doing

We were so poor that all we had for toilet paper was a calendar...



Now those days are behind me.

Two guys were arrested for stealing a calendar

they each got six months.

I'm so sorry....

I'm worried about the calendar

It's days are numbered

A stationery store was broken into. Box files, wall calendars and appointment diaries were stolen.

Police suspect highly organised crime.

A joke I made up 10yr ago on a road trip: What did the calendar say on its death bed

My days are numbered

What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar?

He got 25 days



(ba dum tsssss)

Sometimes i wish i were a calendar

That way, I’ll have so many dates

What's the difference between you and a calendar?

A calendar has dates.

(\*cries in self pity\*)

Calendars are becoming obsolete.

In fact, I think their days are numbered.

I told my doctors I have a phobia of calendars

He asked me why

I replied, "Because its days are numbered."

Invisible calendars...

... that's something you don't see every day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought a Jehovah's Witnesses advent calendar today.

Behind every door someone tells you to fuck off.

My Uncle John's Bathroom Reader calendar has these jokes from Philogelos ("Love of Laughter"), the oldest surviving joke book, dating back to the 4th century AD. They held up surprisingly well.

* A cheapskate wrote his will and named himself as the heir.
* An intellectual came to check in on a friend who was seriously ill. When the man's wife said that he had departed, the intellectual replied, "When he arrives back, tell him that I stopped by."
* An envious landlord saw how happy hi...

I don't know what animal the year 2020 is in the Chinese calendar

but I'm pretty sure it has rabies.

I see Google Calendar is down

I thought I'd never see the day

Sun: Greg, Mon: Ian, Tue: Greg, Wed: Ian, Thur: Greg, Fri: Ian, Sat: Greg

It's the Gregorian calendar.

The government just banned the fifth month of the calendar year.

Everyone was dismayed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once got fired from a clock factory.

and after all those extra hours I put in...

And then I got fired from the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

And then I got fired from the calendar company. I put in 8 days a week and they were PISSED!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

True facts....

\*\*\*\*True Facts\*\*\*\*

1. IN the 1400s, a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb, hence we have 'the rule of thumb'.

2. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only, Ladies Fo...

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop. She confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it..???

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed:
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the Meat each week, came into the shop and said. "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know." Said the Butcher with a smi...

The Calendar Had to Visit the Doctor.

It had a terrible year-ache.

A man enters the confessional...

A man enters the confessional after not attending church for many years. He pulls the curtain and sits inside. Surprised, he notices that there is a small bar with crystal glasses, nice cognacs and even a tap for draft beer. There is also a selection of luxury cigars, and on the wall is a calendar w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought a Microsoft advent calendar...

But if you open too many windows at once, they shut down for no fucking reason.

What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on new years eve?

He got 12 months!

Two calendars fell in love with each other

They went on a lot of dates

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg

The Gregorian calendar

My girlfriend is like a calendar

She has 12 months

A man was locked in a room with nothing but a calendar and a bed. How does he survive?

He eats dates from the calendar and drinks water from the springs of the bed.

What do a calendar and a non vaxxed kid have in common?

Their days are numbered.

Coworker: Long day, huh?

Me: *looks at calendar* The longest.

2019 is the first calendar year...

Where the 24th was the end of May.

Someone stole my calendar. Bad news for them...

They have to attend my mother-in-law's party next weekend.

My calendar has all the dates rubbed off.

Now whenever I cross one of the boxes my roommate thinks I'm playing Tic-Tac-Toe with him.

I think my calendar is broken...

Haha, April Fools!
It works just fine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For the upcoming new year I made a raunchy calendar involving buff, handsome men from the mines. I was arrested by the police.

For sexual or suggestive content involving Miners.

I'm not sure how long my life as a calendar will last...

...but I know my days are numbered.

Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?

Their days are numbered

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