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Why are calendar puns so bad?

Because they are always so week and dated

2020 has a new calendar out

January

February

Lockdown

December

What's a calendar's favorite treat?

Dates!


(My first time posting here, but I was snacking on dates and this came to my mind)

We were so poor that all we had for toilet paper was a calendar...



Now those days are behind me.

Did you hear about the 2 guys that stole a calendar?

They each got 6 months.

Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.

I am completely dismayed

To the English teacher that stole my calendar...

Your days are numbered. Mark my words.

I got fired from my job at the calendar factory

I got fired from my job at the calendar factory a couple weeks ago, and all I did was take a few days off.

But it's alright, I think I'm going to become a mirror washer.

It's something I can really see myself doing

Invisible calendars...

... that's something you don't see every day.

What did the hitman say to the calendar?

Your days are numbered.

Sometimes i wish i were a calendar

That way, I’ll have so many dates

Villain : Why is my calendar wrapped in aluminium?

Superhero : I’ve foiled your plan.

BREAKING NEWS: Man arrested due to possessing a stolen calendar

He got twelve months

What's the difference between a calendar and you?

A calendar has a date for Valentine's day!

How did a calendar factory worker get fired?

He took a day off

A thief was sentenced today for stealing a calendar

They got 12 months

heard peter parker’s calendar only has 11 months

maybe it’s because he lost may

Your phone has already replaced your watch, camera, calendar and alarm clock...

Don't let it replace your family.

A stationery store was broken into. Box files, wall calendars and appointment diaries were stolen.

Police suspect highly organised crime.

Every year, I’m amazed that advent calendars continue to sell out.

I thought their days were numbered.

I don't have an advent calendar

So I'm just opening cupboards and eating whatever is in there

Calendar Memory

I learned a trick that allows me to tell you the day of the week of any day since 1700. Ever since I’ve learned it, girls can’t get enough of me. I get all the dates.

Calendars are becoming obsolete.

In fact, I think their days are numbered.

My Uncle John's Bathroom Reader calendar has these jokes from Philogelos ("Love of Laughter"), the oldest surviving joke book, dating back to the 4th century AD. They held up surprisingly well.

* A cheapskate wrote his will and named himself as the heir.
* An intellectual came to check in on a friend who was seriously ill. When the man's wife said that he had departed, the intellectual replied, "When he arrives back, tell him that I stopped by."
* An envious landlord saw how happy hi...

What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar?

He got 25 days



(ba dum tsssss)

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I got an advent calendar for Jahovah's Witnesses

Behind every door someone tells you to fuck off

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, and Sunday - Greg

The Gregorian Calendar

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A certain talk.

One day a vicar bumped into the headmistress of an exclusive girls' school.
"O Vicar, our girls are a certain age and we would like them to to have a Christian perspective on sex. Will you talk to them next Tuesday afternoon?"

The vicar agreed and decided he had better put the talk on his ...

I don't know what animal the year 2020 is in the Chinese calendar

but I'm pretty sure it has rabies.

The government just banned the fifth month of the calendar year.

Everyone was dismayed.

A man giving a long-winded speech finally says,….

"I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."

A voice from the crowd says, "There's a calendar behind you."

Last night I dreamed I was in Paris. The year was 1789.

I was poor and hungry. My clothes were in tatters. I was all alone.

Far away I saw the palace, and when the guards weren’t watching, I slipped inside.

I smelled food. I followed the smell.

There I saw the Queen, feasting on a huge banquet, with a dozen ladies of the court.
...

Three men die and are at the pearly gates ...

St Peter explains to them that, while in the old days God demanded that only Christians who closely studied the Bible could get into Heaven, times have changed and requirements have been relaxed. These days, you only need to know the basics.
St Peter turns to the first man and says, "if you can...

What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on new years eve?

He got 12 months!

The Calendar Had to Visit the Doctor.

It had a terrible year-ache.

What do a calendar and a non vaxxed kid have in common?

Their days are numbered.

I recently got a death threat from my calendar

It said that my days were numbered

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I could have all this by age 35:

- 6 figure passive income
- An empty calendar
- My forever home, paid off
- Vacation home in Maui
- 2 Teslas (S and X)
- Live-in nanny to help us with the kids

And yep I was right, I don’t have any of that

Sun: Greg, Mon: Ian, Tue: Greg, Wed: Ian, Thur: Greg, Fri: Ian, Sat: Greg

It's the Gregorian calendar.

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I bought a Microsoft advent calendar...

But if you open too many windows at once, they shut down for no fucking reason.

A man was locked in a room with nothing but a calendar and a bed. How does he survive?

He eats dates from the calendar and drinks water from the springs of the bed.

Someone stole my calendar. Bad news for them...

They have to attend my mother-in-law's party next weekend.

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True facts....

\*\*\*\*True Facts\*\*\*\*

1. IN the 1400s, a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb, hence we have 'the rule of thumb'.

2. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only, Ladies Fo...

My calendar has all the dates rubbed off.

Now whenever I cross one of the boxes my roommate thinks I'm playing Tic-Tac-Toe with him.

2019 is the first calendar year...

Where the 24th was the end of May.

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For the upcoming new year I made a raunchy calendar involving buff, handsome men from the mines. I was arrested by the police.

For sexual or suggestive content involving Miners.

I think my calendar is broken...

Haha, April Fools!
It works just fine.

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