Calendar Jokes

January

February

Lockdown

December

Because they are always so week and dated

Dates!


(My first time posting here, but I was snacking on dates and this came to my mind)

A calendar has a date for Valentine's day!

Now those days are behind me.

... that's something you don't see every day.

Because he lost May.

Your days are numbered. Mark my words.

Whoever messed that up ought to be stabbed

They both got 6 months

It's days are numbered.

I got fired from my job at the calendar factory a couple weeks ago, and all I did was take a few days off.

But it's alright, I think I'm going to become a mirror washer.

It's something I can really see myself doing

Leo’s dates only go up to 25

Every time you open a window an oligarch falls out.

He took a day off

It keeps draining my battery.

So we remember the deities.

He took to many days off.

That way, I’ll have so many dates

He got twelve months

It’s days are absolutely numbered

…and make all the Americans panic.

(It’s Mother’s Day in the UK, for those worriedly looking at their calendar.)

January = Greg

February = Ian

March = Greg

April = Ian

May = Ian

June = Greg

July = Ian

August = Greg

September = Greg

October = Ian

November = Greg

December = Ian

Oh no, I’m so sorry! Do you want a joke to cheer you up?

Sure.

What is the difference between you and a calendar?

What?

The calendar has dates.

I thought their days were numbered.

“When?”
“Tomorrow”

In fact, I think their days are numbered.

Police suspect highly organised crime.

* A cheapskate wrote his will and named himself as the heir.
* An intellectual came to check in on a friend who was seriously ill. When the man's wife said that he had departed, the intellectual replied, "When he arrives back, tell him that I stopped by."
* An envious landlord saw how happy hi... read more

He got 25 days



(ba dum tsssss)

Don't let it replace your family.

I learned a trick that allows me to tell you the day of the week of any day since 1700. Ever since I’ve learned it, girls can’t get enough of me. I get all the dates.

I got a job at a company that makes fire hydrants, but I had to give it up. There was no place to park.

Then I went to work for a company at prints calendars. But I knew from the start that my days were numbered.

So I went to work for a moving company. They told me to vacate the premis... read more

Next year I'll be hiding my advent calendar.

Everyone was dismayed.

Their days are numbered.

He got 12 months!

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 18.
<... read more

It had a terrible year-ache.

It said that my days were numbered

A man enters the confessional after not attending church for many years. He pulls the curtain and sits inside. Surprised, he notices that there is a small bar with crystal glasses, nice cognacs and even a tap for draft beer. There is also a selection of luxury cigars, and on the wall is a calendar w... read more

Google calendar

Happy Moooo year.

He eats dates from the calendar and drinks water from the springs of the bed.

They have to attend my mother-in-law's party next weekend.

I was poor and hungry. My clothes were in tatters. I was all alone.

Far away I saw the palace, and when the guards weren’t watching, I slipped inside.

I smelled food. I followed the smell.

There I saw the Queen, feasting on a huge banquet, with a dozen ladies of the court.
... read more

Now whenever I cross one of the boxes my roommate thinks I'm playing Tic-Tac-Toe with him.

Where the 24th was the end of May.

My boss said it was unacceptable that I'd taken a few days off.