This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg

The Gregorian calendar

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous.

The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

I can’t believe I was fired from the calendar factory!

All I did was take a day off.

Why was the calendar nervous?

It’s days were numbered

Whats the difference between Me and a Calendar ?

a Calendar has dates.

2019 is the first calendar year...

Where the 24th was the end of May.

Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calendar?

The each got six months

I'm not sure how long my life as a calendar will last...

...but I know my days are numbered.

What do a calendar and a non vaxxed kid have in common?

Their days are numbered.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Just bought a Jehovah Witness themed advent calendar,

behind every door someone tells you to fuck off

Did you hear about the two criminals who stole a calendar?

They both got 6 months.

P.S this is my first ever post! Please be nice!

Sorry for the typo

What is the difference between you and a calendar?

A calendar has a date on Valentine's day

Did you hear about the Advent calendar that passed away?

Its days were numbered.

A calendar goes to the doctor and asks him to give it to him straight...

“Okay. You’ve got 12 months.”

My calendar has all the dates rubbed off.

Now whenever I cross one of the boxes my roommate thinks I'm playing Tic-Tac-Toe with him.

Why is Stevie wonders calendar like meeting people on tinder?

It’s all blind dates...

Now that it’s 2019 I bought a new calendar but I’m afraid for it...

It’s days are numbered.

Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?

Their days are numbered

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

For the upcoming new year I made a raunchy calendar involving buff, handsome men from the mines. I was arrested by the police.

For sexual or suggestive content involving Miners.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Advent calendar

I just got my new jehovas witness Advent calendar, everytime I open a door it says "fuck off, not today!"

It took me 2 weeks to realize my calendar was printed upside-down.

What followed was an interesting turn of events.

Someone stole my calendar. Bad news for them...

They have to attend my mother-in-law's party next weekend.

You shouldn't see any horror movie today

It May, Fri 10 you

Edit (after 9 hours) : I am so very sorry I posted this too late. I am reading a lot of comments saying they can't tell this to anyone now since it's now the 11th. I had been waiting a long time for this and set up calendar reminders and everything but didn't see the remind...

How did the guy who touched the 2018 calendar get electrocuted.





Cause it was the **"current"** year.


This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I was poor I had to use old calendars to wipe my arse.

Now those days are behind me.

A calendar gets diagnosed with terminal cancer...

Poignant and pensive, he says, "I suppose my days are numbered."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Do you know why some think of calendars as slutty?

There's always a new date the next day.

My advent calendar only has days that end in 1,3,5,7,9.

That’s odd.

I love my calendar!

We go out on so many dates each month!

Just got home and found all the doors and windows wide open and everything gone...

What kind of sick person would do this to my Advent calendar?

Did anyone hear about that guy that broke into the Police Department to steal there calendar?

He got 12 months.

A man wrote a poem about a calendar to seduce a girl.

He was later charged with date rap.

Why couldn't the calendar eat the whole month?

He had a week stomach

Which calendar era did Michael Jackson most like to sing about?


Got myself a Microsoft advent calendar

but I'm worried that once I've opened 3 or 4 windows I won't be able to open any more...

The day after I was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, I lost my calendar.

My life has been pretty uneventful since.

I lost my job at the calendar factory.

My boss said it was unacceptable that I'd taken a few days off.

It must really suck working for a calendar company

You can't take any days off

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm going to make a calendar of sexy Islamic extremists

I will call it, Ji-hotties

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click herefor more information.