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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all ...

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I wasn't sure what to wear to my Pre-Mature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting...

so I just came in my pants.

A married couple had a fight and weren't speaking to each other for days. One evening, the husband leaves a message on his nightstand. "I have a very important meeting tomorrow that I cannot miss. Please wake me up at 9 am". The next day, he wakes up and looks at the time. It's almost 11...

Wondering if his wife hadn't seen or read the message, he looks at his note and sees a new note beside his that reads: "It's 9 o'clock. Time to wake up!"

Mother superior called an urgent meeting of all the 100 nuns in her convent

Mother Superior : Today I found a man's underwear behind the bush ..

99 nuns : Oh Jesus !!

One nun : teeheehee

Mother : Also I found a used condom

99 nuns : Oh Jesus!!

One nun : teeheehee..

Mother : ... And it was broken ...

One nun : Oh Jesus!!!
...

I need everyone to wish me luck. I've got a meeting at the bank in a few minutes, and if all goes well, I will finally become debt free.

I'm so excited, I can barely get my ski mask on.

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Jeff was running late for a union meeting, and really needed to take a dump.

Finding the men's room clogged, he went up a floor in the auditorium, to find another bathroom. When he got up the stairs, he found a long hallway, leading to a door.

He opened the door, and found himself in a dimly lit attic.

His stomach gurgled, just as he spotted some light comin...

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I am writing a film script about going back in time to stop Hitler's parents meeting at the Austrian Enchantment ‘Under The Sea' dance.

It's called 'Back to the Fuhrer’

What were the last words of the fish at the AA meeting?

"Hello, I'm the fish and I'm dry."

A young lady, upon meeting a Scotsman on the street one day asked...

"sir, is it true what they say about what's under a Scotsman's kilt?"

"Lassie, just reach right up and see for yourself!" He replied.

The young woman reached up the Scotsman's kilt and felt nothing but what God has given the Scotsman, as a grin crossed his lips.

"SIR, that's gru...

Meeting with the eye surgeon is such a scam, I paid over $500 just for the consultation!

And I still don't know who I'm seeing.

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I went to a premature ejaculators meeting last week..

Wasn't sure exactly what time it was on so I came early

My friend had this really fancy business meeting...

He had this special outfit prepared, but he needed it to be properly fitted, to look nice. I offered to do it but he said he could do it himself



"Fine," I said...


"Suit yourself"

There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy. Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home. Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders.

He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within traditional guidelines. After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne. When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer ...

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[meeting my gf's parents]

**gf:** Just please, be serious.

**me:** OK.

[later]

**gf's dad:** Sorry for the wait, dinner's ready now.

**me:** I DID MY WAITING...

**gf:** Oh shit.

**me:** TWELVE YEARS OF IT...

**gf:** please...

**me:** IN AZKABAN!

Family meetings

I took my girlfriend back to my parents house to meet my family last night

"This is my dad, and this is my twin brother"

"Oh how cute" she said "who's the oldest"

"My dad obviously you idiot" I replied

An attractive man and a blonde meet in an elevator.

"Where are you heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood."

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?" "About $30." "

Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100."

The woman slightly annoyed gets off the elevator. ...

Where do pumpkins hold meetings?

The gourdroom

I've been meeting up with a group of alcoholics who want to get better.

We've found we're much better drinkers when we're all doing it together.

Why was the broom late for the meeting?

It overswept.

If you had to choose between meeting the love of your life and being Spider-Man,

What color would your suit be?

A man joins an atheist club at his school and at the first meeting says "Hello, I'm Christian" and the leader of the club kicks him out.

It's difficult being an atheist named Christian.

How long does it take to write notes from a meeting?

Minutes

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For the longest time I refused to attend PTA meetings because I couldn't stand the fact that each one ended with an orgy.

But eventually, I had to come on principal.

I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.

Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.

Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days

What was the meeting of the trigonometric terms called ?

The Sine Convention

William Shakespeare is Meeting Felipe III, the Spanish king at the time...

And after a great first meeting, he finds themselves becoming fast friends. However, he is unsure how now to address his new friend. By his first name? By his title? With deference or informally?
He struggles and struggles.
Finally, after a long sleepless night, he begins to think a quick and ...

A Star Trek fan meets William Shatner.

"Wow. I can't believe I'm meeting you at Comic Corn."

"Actually, it's called Comic Con"

"Com?"

"Con."

"Cold?"

"Com!

"Cookie?"

"CONNNNNNNN!"

Hello and welcome to the plastic surgery anonymous meeting....

I'm seeing some new faces in the crowd today.... And frankly I'm disipointed

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Liberal party leader Justin Trudeau attended the Assembly of First Nations annual summer meeting in Whitehorse.

Trudeau said he wasn't there to speak to the chiefs but to listen.


Then he spoke for almost two hours on his success in bringing the Liberal Party back into the hearts of the Canadian people and how he was going to legalize marijuana and the many ways that he was going to help the Firs...

I always feel like there’s something electric about meeting the girl I stalk

It’s probably the taser

Jeff Bezos at a meeting:

"We might have to hold up on the release of the new Amazon Fire."

There was an old man who lived by a forest.

As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the...

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I'm having a meeting at my house for people who have trouble reaching orgasm.

Let me know if you can't come.

A zoo just had several break-ins and many animals are now running around loose in the park. In today's meeting however, management was only concerned about discussing changes to the gift shop.

I'm not sure why we're not addressing the elephant in the room.

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Annual meeting of some loonies

Each year a group of 5 loonies come together to have a good time.

The people are: a sodomist, a sadist , a pyromaniac , a necrophile and a masochist.

After a couple of hours they get bored, however the sodomist got an idea:

Sodomist: We could catch a cat and ya know have fun wi...

You are invited to our next AA (Acronym Abusers) meeting!

Please RSVP by the ATM machine with your PIN number!

I'm glad to see Reddit is meeting its goals to become one of the greenest companies in the world.

Take the front page, it's over 90% recycled content!

I spent 4 hours yesterday in a meeting talking about pumps,

was I ever drained near the end.

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A man named Paddy was having a meeting with his manager Nick

Nick turned to Paddy and said to him "Mr Whack, on this CCTV camera, I have caught you having sex with a dog."

"I'm terribly sorry sir" says Paddy, "but there must be some kind of mixup."

Nick looks at him and shouts "I've got CCTV footage of the incident right here" and he plays the s...

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My friend went to his premature ejaculators support group weekly meeting today

He later found out it was tomorrow

Bored at work so I wrote my first joke. It’s extremely dumb but maybe it’ll make someone laugh.

An extremely wealthy family owned countless successful companies, bought out competitors and even purchased new ventures if they looked promising enough. Nothing was too big or small, and nothing was off limits.

The family consisted of a mother (Linda), father (Robert) and 3 sons (Robert Jr.,...

A guy is late for an important meeting.

But he can't find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. "Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!" A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. "Never mind. Found one!"

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Hitler is chairing a Nazi economic meeting.

The Reich’s Commerce Minister is delivering a tremendously boring report on minerals, and Hitler is about to nod off. “We are mining too many ores that are useless to the war effort. We need to mine less,” the minister says.

The Reich’s Chief Engineer, who is a stickler for grammar, is irrita...

Why was the PTA meeting homicide difficult to solve?

Because it wasn't apparent who did it.

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Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and ...

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In the beginning, when Man was first created, all the members of the body held a meeting to decide who should be in charge.

The brain said that it should be in charge because it had the power of decision making and so controlled what everything else in the body did.

The eyes pointed out that they were the ones who saw everything, including whatever objectives the brain was going to decide to pursue, so they shou...

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At the height of WWII on the Eastern front, a high-level meeting takes place in the Kremlin between Stalin and the marshals on the situation on their respective fronts.

When the meeting ends, Marshal Georgy Zhukov is the first one to step out. As he does so, he mutters under his breath "Fucking asshole with a mustache!" It just so happens that Stalin's secretary, Alexander Poskrebyshev hears this. So being a loyal servant to the cause, he reports it to his boss. St...

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