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In the beginning, when Man was first created, all the members of the body held a meeting to decide who should be in charge.

The brain said that it should be in charge because it had the power of decision making and so controlled what everything else in the body did.

The eyes pointed out that they were the ones who saw everything, including whatever objectives the brain was going to decide to pursue, so they shou...

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There was a meeting for the premature ejaculation committee

I didn’t know what to wear... so I just came in my pants

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm having a meeting at my house for people who have trouble reaching orgasm.

Let me know if you can't come.

Why was the PTA meeting homicide difficult to solve?

Because it wasn't apparent who did it.

A dying Scottish man is meeting his lawyer at a local tavern to talk about his will.

After a few rounds of whiskey, the Scot admits that he doesn't want to leave his hard-earned fortune to his good-for-nothing, lazy son. But he feels like he had no other choice. He has no other family and no friends.


The lawyer says he could write a clause that would force the son to do...

I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.

Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.

Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days

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Premature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting to be held today at 4...

...doors open at 3.

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An American businessman was meeting with the managers of the Tokyo office.

His first night in town, he had a hooker come up to his hotel room. While they were engaging in sex, the hooker kept squirming moaning, "Sung wa! Sung wa!" The businessman didn't know Japanese, but figured the hooker was really into him, and "Sung wa" must mean some expression of pleasure.
...

The Pope and Kim Jong Un were having a meeting in a 20 story building.

During a break the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.

First, the Pope called his guard Dave into the room, opened the window and said, "Dave, jump down."

Dave replied in tears, "Your Holiness, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son."

The Pope...

My parents called a meeting just to tell me I'm really well-suited to my environment?

I don't remember exactly what they said, but it was something like, "son, you're adapted."

I organised a support group meeting for individuals with erectile dysfunction.

Though around 20 people registered, many couldn't come.

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A casual sperms meeting

Some sperms are gathered together and discuss their future plans with each other.

Sperm 1 : I’m gonna be a doctor

Sperm 2 : I’m gonna be an Engineer

Sperm 3 : I’m gonna be a pilot

Sperm 4 : F**k all of you I’m gonna be a dad

Meanwhile a sperm comes running in bre...

This Zamboni operator skidded out of control into our Dungeons & Dragons meeting

Why he be all slidin into my DMs

Why did the pimp call a meeting of his girls when he felt unsure about himself?

He had to gather his thots.

Why is Stevie wonders calendar like meeting people on tinder?

It’s all blind dates...

I was late to my first Fight Club meeting so unfortunately I missed some of the rules

But I still had a really awesome time and I can't wait to share my experience with everyone on Facebook.

I asked my racist, mexican buddy about what meetings he attends on weekends.

He kept saying «what» three times in spanish, for some reason.

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A nurse in a mental institution goes to check on Charlie, one of the inmates and finds him sitting up in bed, pretending to drive a car. She asks, "Are you okay Charlie?" Charlie replies, "I can't talk right now! I'm busy driving to London for a meeting!"

So the nurse closes the door and goes to check on Bob in the next room.

She finds Bob sitting up in his bed, wanking furiously.

"Bob, what are you doing?!" asks the nurse.

Bob grunts, "I'm fucking Charlie's wife! He's gone to London for a meeting!"

When meeting someone new, start with a conversation about global warming...

It's breaking the ice.

Three different tribesmen get together in a meeting..

The First Tribesmen: My People Can touch the SKY

Other Two: The Sky?

The First Tribesmen: Well... a little lower than that

The Second Tribesmen: Well our people can touch the deepest part of the eart

The Other two: The deepest part?

The Second Tribesmen: Well... a ...

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Mother Superior calls allbthe nuns to a meeting.

All 100 nuns show up wondering what this meeting is about.

"We have discovered that one of you has had sexual intercourse" states the Mother Superior.

99 of the nuns gasp.
"Hehehe," laughs one nun.

"We have also found a condom that was used."

99 of the nuns gasp. ...

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My premature ejaculation sufferers support meetings were going so well

I decided to stop coming.

I had a meeting with my boss today. He said "are we going to discuss sales figures followed by recruitment?"

Did he just assume my agenda?

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This morning I went to a meeting at the premature ejaculator's support group

Turns out, it's tomorrow

I missed my last two knitting club meetings...

I hope when I return I'm not out of the loop.

I am meeting with a private detective in one hour.

Can someone please tell me where Cognito is?

A boy is meeting his girlfriend's posh parents...

GF's uppity mom: So Tom, what do your parents do ?

Tom: They are in the iron and steal business.

Mom: Oh that's an interesting combination for a business.. What do they do exactly?

Tom: Yeah, my mom irons and my father steals.

(As heard in The House on the Left, 1972)

A guy is late for an important meeting.

But he can't find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. "Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!" A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. "Never mind. Found one!"

Two elephants and a man's meeting.

Two elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”

I was meeting a friend at a smoke shop and accidentally went into the dry cleaners next door...

Clothes, but no cigar.

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth II are having a meeting...

During the meeting, the Queen brags about how, by simply moving her hand she can make everyone in England happy for a few minutes.
The Pope asks her to do this. Then, she waves her hand and everyone cheers.
The Pope then says, "by moving my hand, I can make all the people in Ireland happy fore...

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My Premature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting is scheduled to last a hour, but

We tend to finish early.

I have been thrown out of the climate protest meeting today.

I probably shouldn't have said "We must embrace change."

A CEO and his board of directors gather for a meeting

CEO: We need to stop testing our products on animals.


Board: Why? Shampoo companies do it all the time.





CEO: Yeah but we make hammers

I kept meeting my Chinese friend in the elevator today!

It was Wong on so many different levels

I told a school shooting joke at a PTA meeting, but it fell flat.

I think I'll aim for a different crowd.

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I pr...

On meeting Donald Trump, Kim Jon Un says “I will destroy America...”

Trump replies, “No way, that’s my job. I won’t have another asian stealing an American job.”

Four CEOs of beer companies are having a meeting and they decide to get a drink.

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The three CEOS then ask him, why aren't you ordering a Guinness?

He replies: "If you guys aren't drinking beer than n...

A CNN reporter walks into a White House press meeting...

[not removed]

This young lady got tired of the losers she's been meeting in the dating scene.

One day, out of frustration, she posts an ad in the local personals;

"I'm looking for an honest man. One who is witty, won't hit me, and won't run around on me, and is good in bed."

Several days passed and there was no response, so she forgot about it.

Two weeks later, her doorb...

A man is late for an important meeting..

As he arrives, he can’t seem to find a parking spot. He drives around the block three, four, five times.

Desperate, he cries to God. “Please Lord, I will quit lying, drinking and gambling if I can just find a place to park!”

Suddenly a car pulls out of a spot right in front of him....

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A man goes to his girlfriend's parent's house for Thanksgiving. He's really nervous as this is his first time meeting her family and he's not sure what to expect. In fact, he's so nervous that it's giving him gas...

While they're sitting there watching TV in the family room, it isn't so bad because the the football game is on and it's kind of loud.

Also, the parent's big old dog Harold is licking his balls and everyone can hear that, so he can sit there and fart into the couch without anyone hearing a th...

Teacher at parents meeting :

-Your boy was caught smoking marijuana !!!

The mother angrily :

-I can't believe it. I wonder where he found it from ??

-He said he got it from his best friend.

The father, wiping a happy tear :

-He really said that ... ?

I got kicked out of my book club meeting because I tried to review Tommy Wiseau’s book adaptation of his movie despite never actually having read it.

I should have noticed how irritated the crowd was getting at my inaccurate speech, but I didn’t read The Room.

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Are you interested in meeting with a nudist club this Saturday?

I might go if I have nothing on.

A fire broke out at a Weight Watchers meeting today.

Members could be heard screaming, "Walk for your lives!"

My dad just called a family meeting.

Me, mum, my two brothers, my sister and grandma hurried into the living room and gathered round an IKEA box laying on the floor.

"Dad, it's some flat pack furniture, what do you need the whole family for?" I asked.

"Well, it must be these strange Swedish customs", he replies, "It says...

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The Queen and the Metal Panties

One day the king had to go for a year long expedition, and knew his queen was going to have sex with everyone through the county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help.

The court magistrate showed the king a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle.

"Why, doesn't that j...

My "Workaholics Anonymous" meeting got canceled...

Everyone had to work late

I heard that scientists are meeting to redefine units of measure.

I'm kind of afraid that if we give them an inch they'll take a mile.

Why doesn't Samsung do meetings in New York..

Cause it's called the big apple.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hitler calls for a meeting

Hitler calls a meeting of his best soldiers and commanders and tells them "Alright I want to order the assassination of one thousand jews and four hedgehogs." Then one of his generals stands and says "But... Mein furhur why four hedgehogs?" Hitler then smiles and says "See? No one gives a f*ck about...

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A California business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected.

Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Ga...

An angel appears at a faculty meeting

and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.

Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lig...

What do Scientologists call a meeting of their top members?

The Council of L. Ron

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An IT guy is meeting his nerd friend to show him his new laptop.

"Where did you get that from?" The other one asked

"You know, one girl from school asked me if I could repair her laptop, so I was working like two hours on it and once I was done she took off her panties and said me that I could take whatever I want - so I took the laptop."

"You did a...

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Animals in the forest have a meeting. The bear as the chief of the forest decides to create an outhouse and they immediatelly built it.

The next day the outhouse has broken window.

So the Bear called everyone and said:

Who knows something about that?

A squirel put her arm up and says:

"I know something about that.."

"I was jumping from a branch to a branch and suddenly the wolf took me, clean his a...

Everyone has a certain joke they always tell when meeting new people

Personally, I enjoy talking about my life

I was once in a meeting with a bunch of people raving about how the script for Tommy Wiseau’s movie is amazing. I finally just said “I doubt it” and they all fell silent and stared at me in anger, until one of them said,

“You really need to read the room.”

I went to my first Fight Club meeting last night

Unfortunately I arrived 10 minutes late so I missed the introductions but I must say I had a fantastic time I'd recommend it to everyone.

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My first meeting at the Premature Ejaculation club

can’t come soon enough

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I was meeting up with my wife at a funeral...

...She kept teasing me with how perfect she looked. I couldn't help myself, and while nobody was looking, I took her to the most secluded area I could find.

As we started to do the diddle, as I like to call it, I whispered into her ear sexily...

"This would be so much better if you wer...

An American, Frenchman, Israeli, Spaniard, and a German are on a video call. Their boss logs in and starts the meeting by askng "How's my connection, can everybody see me alright?" They answer:

"yes", "oui", "ken", "si", "ja"

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A kid was in court for an adoption meeting he was being beaten by his parents, the judge says do you want to live with aunty mary? boy replies no she beats me as well, judge says what about uncle henry? boy again says no, judge says who do you want to live with then? boy replies Manchester United..

They can't beat any fucking one...

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The president is at a political meet and greet in a restaurant, meeting with people and doing the usual schmoozing.

A young man comes up to him and shakes his hand. He says to the president, “it’s an honor to meet you sir, and I was hoping you could help me out. I’m meeting a girl for our first date in a few minutes, and if you stopped by our table, y’know, just to say hi as if we’re good friends, I’d look like...

This happened at a meeting with my boss:

Boss: How good are you at PowerPoint?

Me: I Excel at it!

Boss: Was that a Microsoft Office pun?

Me: Word.

Different ethnic groups in the USSR have a meeting.

Each group has a representative, who must talk about what it is like living in the soviet union (and praise lenin and communism along the way if they don't want to get killed).

The Chukchi people live in Siberia, and haven't had it so great under soviet rule. Their representative begins to sp...

Betty was away from home on a business trip, and on a break between meetings decided to call home collect...

...as her husband was outside changing the oil on his car, her 6 year old son Bobby picked up the phone.

Putting his ear to the receiver, he heard a man say: *"We have a Betty on the line, will you except the charges?"*

Terrified, Bobby ran outside screaming:

"DAD!!! THEY'VE GO...

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At a meeting in a synagogue, a young Jew

"Rabbi, why are the Jews so hated?"
At a meeting in a synagogue, a young Jew asked the wise old Rabbi: "Rabbi, why do people hate us so much?" The Rabbi thinks for a while and says "That is an interesting question. We will all talk about it tomorrow over some vodka! Each one of you shall bring a ...

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A CEO has a business meeting in Japan

He flies in the day before and is going to stay at a hotel when he decides to spice things up and hires a prostitute. That night, in the room, they are fucking when she starts screaming "anachigai, anachigai" which he assumes is just encouragement of some kind as he doesn't speak Japanese. The prost...

If the KKK was meeting for lunch where would they go?

Cracker Barrel.

I told my buddy we should go to a gambling anonymous meeting. He said ‘Why? We don’t have gambling problems!’

I replied, ‘You wanna bet?’

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A man goes on a business trip to Japan. The night before his big meeting, he hires a prostitute.

He really seems to be having a good time, because as they do their thing, she keeps enthusiastically saying things in Japanese over and over again.

The next day, he invites the Japanese businessmen out for a game of golf after their meeting. After a nice hole-in-one, he decides to try out a ...

Organ meeting (different from the one when they argue who is in charge)

All the organs and body parts have a meeting. Brain informs them that once a year, they can afford a therapy for one of them, to help it function properly again. Brain then asks them if they have any problems, so it knows which one needs therapy the most.
"All the smoking completely ruined us....

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All divine beings gather for an emergency meeting

The gods take their time, but one by one everyone is in attendance around a long, dark table on a well-lit cloud.

Yahweh is at the head of the table, simply dressed and glowing. Satan sat at the other end, dressed in a casual suit and a trench coat, a cigarette in hand.

**Yahweh:** O...

What did the Cannibals Anonymous group say to Dave when he showed up an hour late to their weekly meeting?

Nothing. They just gave him the cold shoulder.

Donald Trump was greeted with a naked picture of Kim Jong Un in today's meeting

Kim thought his advisors told him to interfere with US erections.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I am hosting an annual meeting with people who can't ejaculate.

Please inform us if you cannot come.

Donald Trump, Enrique Peña Nieto and Vladimir puttin are travelling in a helicopter for a top secret meeting when

Suddenly Vladimir Putin throws his beautiful secretary out of the helicopter.

Others:- Why did you do that?

Vladimir Putin :- too many beautiful women in our country

Then,Enrique Peña Nieto throws his tequila out

Others :- Why?

Enrique Peña Nieto :- Too much tequil...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Meeting with the boss

BOSS: Know why I called you in here?

ME: Because I accidentally sent you a dick pic

BOSS [stops pouring 2 glasses of wine] Accidentally?

What do you call a councilors meeting where the whole time the therapist roasts you?

A disappointment

A lion gathered all animals on a meeting

Lion: I have decided that my daughter is old enough for a marriage and I want her to marry the bravest animal in my kingdom. I will give her hand to whoever jumps of this cliff we are standing on right now.

Silence. Noone is brave enough to do such a thing.

Suddenly, everyone hears "A...

I've been having trouble meeting girls, so I asked my dad for some advice. He said that if I wanted to break the ice, the next time I go out, I should use this pickup line...

"Ford F-150, Chevy Silverado, Dodge Ram, Toyota Tundra, Nissan Titan, GMC Sierra, Honda Ridgeline..."

Animal meeting at the zoo..

Lion: You're late, we said to meet at sunset

Giraffe: I can still see the sun you damn midget

What does milk in Mexico say when meeting others?

Soy Milk

A guy was meeting his friend in the bar

As he walked in, he noticed two pretty girls looking at him. He heard one girl say to the other, "Nine." Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy at the bar and told him that the girl in the corner had just rated him a nine out of ten. "Sorry to spoil your evening," said his frie...

A scientist friend of mine went to a meeting

This meeting was for the U.S. Army to start training and using more types of animals in
combat. He goes to the meeting because they think he can help train the animals. When he gets to the building, he asks the receptionist where the meeting is. She replies that the meeting is on floor 101 and t...

a group of mathematicians and a group of economists travel to a meeting by train...

a group of mathematicians and a group of economists travel to a congress by train

the economists all buy a ticket, the mathematicians buy a single ticket for their whole group

when the conductor comes around, the economists all show their respective tickets

the mathematicians on...

Two generals are going to a meeting with the emperor..

General 1: "What's the penalty for being late to meet the Emperor?"

General 2: "Death. He's a stickler for that stuff, you know that!"

1: "And what's the penalty for starting a rebellion?"

2: "Come on man, it's death. Obviously. Why do you ask?"

1: "Well, we're late..."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Roosevelt and Stalin are at a meeting.

Roosevelt says, "One beautiful thing about America is that we have freedom of speech. That means that anybody can stand in front of the White House and say, "Roosevelt is a piece of shit" and nobody would pay any attention.

Stalin says, "We have freedom of speech in the Soviet Union too. Anyb...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[nsfw] Meeting after a long time, what did one pussy lip say to it's friend the other lip?

Man, we used to be tight before the dickhead got involved.

A goddess appears out of nowhere during an academic meeting.

The assembled faculty are dumbstruck as she hovers over the conference table. The goddess floats to a place directly in front of the school's philosophy professor. She speaks to him.

"You are a virtuous mortal. I have decided to grant you a wish. I will give you unfathomable wealth or ultimat...

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I was nervous no one would come to the Premature Ejaculation Anonymous meeting...

Luckily, everyone came earlier than expected!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The old catholic priest of a small community is called upon by the church for a meeting, and the church sends a young replacement for the time that the old priest is away.

This is, infact, the young priests first real service for a community, and he is eager to do his duty.

He gives his first mass, performes it flawlessly, and during his sermon, none of the locals were bored. He is proud of his work, and wants to do more.

So, he sits down on the confessi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Last night I went to an Ass Eater's Anonymous meeting and told them I relapsed..

They really chewed me out.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to a Porn Addicts Anonymous meeting today.

What a bunch of wankers.

I'm kinda like Titanic when it comes to meeting people

Not that great at breaking the ice

What company is the best at meeting deadlines?

The Make a Wish Foundation

The Pizza boy arrives a Libertarian meeting

\* Knock Knock\*

# GET A WARRANT!

A Chinese and a Nigerian official meet each other at a meeting.

They soon became good friends and exchanged their business cards.


"If you ever come to China, call me and we can hang out!" says the Chinese official.


"Really? Cool! Same to you. If you ever come to Nigeria, call me and we can hang out!" says the Nigerian official.

6 mon...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wartime Meeting

At the height of WWII on the Eastern front, a high-level meeting takes place in the Kremlin between Stalin and the marshals on the situation on their respective fronts. When the meeting ends, Marshal Georgy Zhukov is the first one to step out. As he does so, he mutters under his breath "Fucking must...

In response to meeting someone named Virginia. “Oh I used to go to school with a Virginia...”

We called her “Virgin” for short, but not for long.

A reverend assembles the whole neighborhood for a meeting. After everyone has sat anxiously, he says "You are probably wondering what I'm going to be speaking on"

"Im going to be speaking on a stage."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl was meeting her boyfriend's parents for the first time

Unfortunately she was dealing with a severely upset stomach. As they were seated around the dinner table she had to try and release some of the crippling pressure, and decided to let out a little gas quietly. Her "little" fart resulted in a squeak audible enough that everyone at the table heard. The...

A rabbit town hall meeting was held to discuss recent events...

A wolf had been coming to the meadow at night, and had killed and eaten a rabbit every night for the past week. They decided to put a watchrabbit on watch. When the wolf came, the watchrabbit would shout "wolf", and they would all hide. Naturally, they chose Roger, who the best eyesight.

Unfo...

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A man is meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time.

A man is meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time. He doesn't have a car, so he decides to get a bike so he doesn't look like a complete loser.

At the bike shop, the owner holds up some Vaseline and says, "if it ever rains, make sure you put this on the bike to protect it".

...

A businessman is spending Christmas in a hotel for a meeting.

As it happens, the city he’s visiting is host to the world’s largest chess tournament, and most of the competitors are staying in the same hotel.

The businessman doesn’t really interact with the chess players during his stay, since his meeting is on another floor. But one morning he comes do...

What did the leaders of China and N. Korea order for lunch at their meeting

Kim-Xi

What is it called when kitchen appliances get together for a meeting?

A cabinet.

In the wake of Trump meeting the "President of Virgin Islands", it remind me the two sides of Trump's brain: "left" and "right"...

In the left side, there's nothing right.

In the right side, there's nothing left.

At a Plastic-Surgery-Addicts-Anonymous meeting

“Ah, I see we have a few new faces here today.”

Why did the nuclear physicist miss the laboratory meeting?

Because he was gone fission.