This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge...

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."





"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."





"I should be in charge,...

NOTICE: Procrastinators meeting at 8 P.M. tonight

Edit: 9 P.M.

Edit: 10 P.M.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wasn't sure what to wear to my Pre-Mature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting...

so I just came in my pants.

Three priests are meeting to discuss how to manage church funds

Three priests are having a meeting and the topic of money comes up. The question each has to answer is what is the best way to decide how much money goes back to God and how much money the priest keeps for himself.

The first priest says that he prefers to completely clear a large table and s...

Donald Trump had a secret phone meeting with Vladimir Putin.

At the end of the call, Trump said to Putin, “Vlad, tell me something. How do you know if the people you work with are smart and trustworthy?”

Putin said, “It’s easy Don. I bring them into my office in the Kremlin, I sit them down, and I ask them one question. If they get it right, they stay....

Aliens arrive on earth, and the Catholic Church arranges a meeting with them.

They ask the aliens if they believe in god. The aliens respond, “That’s why we came here! Mount Olympus is on Earth, right?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am having a meeting for those who can't orgasm.

If you can't come let me know.

What did the Atheist say upon dying and meeting God?

Well I’ll be damned.

Donald Trump is with his driver and he is on the way to an important meeting. He's running a bit late.

Trump: can you please speed up a little, the meeting will start shortly and we're quite far away
The driver : I can't really Mr President, I am sticking to the limit. Also, we're in the middle of the city and the roads look quite busy. I don't want to put people's safety at risk.
Trump : I kn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW: I didn’t know what to wear to my premature ejaculation meeting...

So I just came in my pants

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad got incarcerated for assault during a parent teacher meeting.

He stood on principal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there was this OHS meeting

and I was asked to explain what steps I would take up in case of a fire.

Apparently, "big as fuck" wasn't the correct answer.

Mother superior called an urgent meeting of all the 100 nuns in her convent

Mother Superior : Today I found a man's underwear behind the bush ..

99 nuns : Oh Jesus !!

One nun : teeheehee

Mother : Also I found a used condom

99 nuns : Oh Jesus!!

One nun : teeheehee..

Mother : ... And it was broken ...

One nun : Oh Jesus!!!
...

A guy is late for an important meeting.

A guy is late for an important meeting. But he can't find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. "Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!" A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to...

I need everyone to wish me luck. I've got a meeting at the bank in a few minutes, and if all goes well, I will finally become debt free.

I'm so excited, I can barely get my ski mask on.

A married couple had a fight and weren't speaking to each other for days. One evening, the husband leaves a message on his nightstand. "I have a very important meeting tomorrow that I cannot miss. Please wake me up at 9 am". The next day, he wakes up and looks at the time. It's almost 11...

Wondering if his wife hadn't seen or read the message, he looks at his note and sees a new note beside his that reads: "It's 9 o'clock. Time to wake up!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jeff was running late for a union meeting, and really needed to take a dump.

Finding the men's room clogged, he went up a floor in the auditorium, to find another bathroom. When he got up the stairs, he found a long hallway, leading to a door.

He opened the door, and found himself in a dimly lit attic.

His stomach gurgled, just as he spotted some light comin...

Donald Trump and the Chinese president are in a meeting.

Trump asks: why don't you have elections in your country?
The Chinese president: I have election evly molning

A father has a meeting with his future son-in-law

The father asks "I see you are in between jobs, how are you going to provide for yourself and my daugher?"

The young man replies "Well, God will provide"

The father continues by asking, "I assume you will be having children, how will you support them?".

The young man paused, and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am writing a film script about going back in time to stop Hitler's parents meeting at the Austrian Enchantment ‘Under The Sea' dance.

It's called 'Back to the Fuhrer’

What were the last words of the fish at the AA meeting?

"Hello, I'm the fish and I'm dry."

There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy. Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home. Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders.

He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within traditional guidelines. After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne. When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer ...

Meeting with the eye surgeon is such a scam, I paid over $500 just for the consultation!

And I still don't know who I'm seeing.

I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.

Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.

Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days

A young lady, upon meeting a Scotsman on the street one day asked...

"sir, is it true what they say about what's under a Scotsman's kilt?"

"Lassie, just reach right up and see for yourself!" He replied.

The young woman reached up the Scotsman's kilt and felt nothing but what God has given the Scotsman, as a grin crossed his lips.

"SIR, that's gru...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to a premature ejaculators meeting last week..

Wasn't sure exactly what time it was on so I came early

How (not) to meet women at the beach

A young guy moved to the beach and is trying to meet women, but isn't having much luck. One day, the young guy is walking down the beach, and he passes an old guy, who is completely surrounded by young beautiful women in bikinis vying for his attention. The young guy scratches his head and keeps wal...

My friend had this really fancy business meeting...

He had this special outfit prepared, but he needed it to be properly fitted, to look nice. I offered to do it but he said he could do it himself



"Fine," I said...


"Suit yourself"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[meeting my gf's parents]

**gf:** Just please, be serious.

**me:** OK.

[later]

**gf's dad:** Sorry for the wait, dinner's ready now.

**me:** I DID MY WAITING...

**gf:** Oh shit.

**me:** TWELVE YEARS OF IT...

**gf:** please...

**me:** IN AZKABAN!

An attractive man and a blonde meet in an elevator.

"Where are you heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood."

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?" "About $30." "

Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100."

The woman slightly annoyed gets off the elevator. ...

I cheated on my wife with a girl I met at a mundane AA meeting.

It was a sober affair.

Family meetings

I took my girlfriend back to my parents house to meet my family last night

"This is my dad, and this is my twin brother"

"Oh how cute" she said "who's the oldest"

"My dad obviously you idiot" I replied

Why was the broom late for the meeting?

It overswept.

Where do pumpkins hold meetings?

The gourdroom

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry...

...to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him, he complained, "I forgot my teeth, what am I going to do now!?"
The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocke...

If you had to choose between meeting the love of your life and being Spider-Man,

What color would your suit be?

I've been meeting up with a group of alcoholics who want to get better.

We've found we're much better drinkers when we're all doing it together.

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair,

until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, b...

Squirrels infested a small town and each house of worship called a meeting to decide what to do.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrel problem. After much prayer and discussion, they concluded the squirrels infesting the church were predestined to be there and the church elders and congregation shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At t...

A man joins an atheist club at his school and at the first meeting says "Hello, I'm Christian" and the leader of the club kicks him out.

It's difficult being an atheist named Christian.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For the longest time I refused to attend PTA meetings because I couldn't stand the fact that each one ended with an orgy.

But eventually, I had to come on principal.

How long does it take to write notes from a meeting?

Minutes

An Anti-Vaxer goes to the afterlife...

An Anti-Vaxer goes and arrives at the gates of heaven. Upon meeting God, he asks him a question.

"Do vaccines really work?"

God replied simply with, "Yes."

The Anti-Vaxer mumbled to herself, "The lies do spread that far..."

Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime

She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.
He asks her - why did you say that?
I don't know, I just felt like saying it.
The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.
A month later at bedtime, the daughter ...

William Shakespeare is Meeting Felipe III, the Spanish king at the time...

And after a great first meeting, he finds themselves becoming fast friends. However, he is unsure how now to address his new friend. By his first name? By his title? With deference or informally?
He struggles and struggles.
Finally, after a long sleepless night, he begins to think a quick and ...

What was the meeting of the trigonometric terms called ?

The Sine Convention

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.