The 60+ Best Meeting Jokes

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

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What do you call a meeting of 72 virgins?

A scientific conference

President Joe Biden just had a meeting with the Cabinet.

Now he’s talking with the couch

The Martians have landed on Earth, and in meeting the world leaders, they have an audience with the Pope.

The Pope looks at them and asks, "Do you know Jesus?"

The Martian replies, "Oh, Jesus? Great guy! He comes and visits our planet twice every year!"

The Pope is astonished! It's been close to 2000 years since he was here and we're still waiting on his second coming."

The Martian ...

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Meeting St Peter

Three women have just entered heaven and are standing in front of an angel and St. Peter to find out what kinds of special privileges they'll have while there.

He says to the women,

\- "I only have one question. Have you lived a chaste life?"

The first woman answers

\-...

Greg Abbott and Joe Biden are having a meeting when suddenly a genie appears

"OK, look, here's how it's going to go. I can only grant three wishes, so one of you will get two and the other will only get one. And since you're already men of power and means, you have to choose wishes that will serve your constituents."

Abbott immediately screams that he wants the two...

An elementary school teacher was meeting her new class

She pointed to one student and asked "What does your father do for a living?"

The boy said "My father's a magician! He has a new act that ends with sawing people in half."

"That's wonderful!" said the teacher. "And do you have any siblings?"

"Yes," said the boy- "I have a half...

Why did the pimp call a meeting of his hoes when he felt unsure about himself?

# He had to gather his thots.

So I was meeting my hot Tinder date in the restaurant…

… as she was about to sit down at the table, I asked, “Shall I push your stool in?”

She answered, “Let’s first see how this date goes…”

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I was on the way to a meeting when a cart full of horse manure tipped all over me. I didn’t let it stop me though,

I was under turd!

I went to a kleptomaniacs anonymous meeting last night..

I went to grab a chair but they were already taken.

Joe Biden had a meeting with the Cabinet today

He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the desk.

Recently I've been attending meetings of Eavesdroppers Anonymous

... not that they know.

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The law...

There will be a mass meeting of the debating society this evening.

All mass debaters are invited to attend.

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I caught my coworker watching porn during our meeting

He said this is his home security camera

I've been trying to find an alarm clock made out of a potato...

...ever since I had a meeting with my boss about arriving late for work and he told me "Get a potato clock".

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I am having a meeting for those who can't reach orgasm.

Let me know if you can't come.

Man and his wife are meeting with their marriage counsellor

Husband: “Doc, if I make one more Borat joke Im going to end up divorced”

Doc: “Who told you that?”

Husband: “……”

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putin walks into a meeting with all his top generals and demands "How is my special operation against Ukraine and NATO Nazis going!?"

The generals all look at each other nervously

"Well...." demands putin "tell me now!!"

The top general stands and says "Well we have been fighting for 4 weeks. We have lost over 15,000 brave soldiers, 6 generals, over 500 tanks and fighting vehicles, 3 ships, 100 planes and drones and ...

My Grandpa has acquired a trick for meeting new people

He's got Alzheimer's

The headmaster of a school arranges a meeting with a student's parents

"I'm sorry to inform you but your son has been blowing smoke in the locker-rooms everyday for around a week" The headmaster says

"What? I can assure you i have no idea where he learns such things! Could You call him here please?" The woman asks, angrily

A few minutes later a boy arrive...

LPT: If you are ever at a party or business meeting with Spanish speakers, make sure to stand up and say “Mucho”

It means a lot to them

Before I start this week's Plastic Surgery Anonymous meeting,

I'd like to bring attention to some of the new faces I see here today..

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Antonio dreamt of meeting the Pope

He put on his best Armani suit to attend mass at the Vatican. In the row of pews in front of him, Antonio noticed a bum in dirty, raggedy clothes. During the processional the Pope came up the aisle acknowledging and reaching out to people along the way. Sure enough the Pope headed toward Antonio. He...

I've found religion after meeting Mike Tyson

Dude hit me right in the faith.

So an LGBTQ group plan a meeting one day.

And the leader of the group asks: “What’s on the agenda?”

One of the group members stand up and say: “A top hat. Thanks for noticing!”

Being a musician is great for travelling and meeting new people. Throughout my career I have met amazing humans.

Once I met this Italian opera singer, amazing gal. Some other time an irish theremine player. But the other day I met a polish sound engineer. And a czech one too. And a czech one too. And a czech one too.

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept

and the hours are lost.

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An Alcoholics Anonymous meeting takes place. The presenter completes a demonstration.

He brings out two glasses, a bottle of whiskey, a bottle of water and an earthworm. He pours one glass with water and the other with whiskey. He then drops the worm into the bottle of water, where it wriggles around for a little while, but is ok.

He then picks it up and drops it into the whi...

Four CEO's having a Meeting!

Four CEO's of beer companies are having a Meeting and they decide to get drunk.

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller lite.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The three CEO's then ask him..

"Why...

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Two men are having a business meeting in a small coffee shop...

...when a barista approaches and asks them what they'd like. The first man says that he'd like a glass of water. The barista replies "One glass of H2O coming right up." then turns to the second man and asks him what he'd like. The second man replies "I'd like a glass of H2O too, please". The Barista...

I went to a Gamblers Anonymous meeting one time and let me tell you

What a bunch of losers.

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I didn't know what to wear to my premature ejaculation anonymous meeting..

So I just came in my pants.

I really hate meetings

I really wish “me” werent in meetings

I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing. Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I'd still make jokes, but no one would laugh...

Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted. It turns out, they didn't find me remotely funny.

Weekly cult meetings

A cult holds weekly meetings and all members are expected to attend regularly. This week only two cultists show up. After waiting awkwardly for awhile making small talk, they realize no one else is coming.

Both of them are getting nervous and they admit to each other they missed last weeks c...

It’s 1961. A Nasa scientist and a soviet scientist have a meeting..

…Nasa scientist:“Well now that we are alone we can speak german to each other.

Joe Biden called a press conference, to discuss his meeting with Vladimir Putin…

“The good news, is that Mr Putin told me that he wants peace.”

After everyone cheered and clapped in relief, he added the bad news…

“A piece of Crimea, a piece of Ukraine, a piece of Finland…”

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Three Beautiful Potatoes

Mr and Mrs Potato Head have three beautiful daughters. One night, they're gathered around the dinner table when the eldest daughter speaks up.

"Mom, Dad, I have something to tell you... I'm getting married!"

Mrs Potato Head looks at her "This is such a surprise! Who is he?"

The ...

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There's a psychiatrist having a meeting with 3 women and their 3 children.

There's a psychiatrist having a meeting with 3 women and their 3 children.

The psychiatrist says: "After observing for an hour i can see you're all obsessed with something."

He says "the first woman's addiction is money, you even named your daughter penny!"

Then he says, pointin...

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Autopsy club meeting Saturday!

Its open Mike night.

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A king summons three of his most loyal subjects to a meeting

The king looks at the first man, who was named Rand.

"Rand, kiss my hand!" he orders.

Rand obeys him and kisses his hand. The king looks at the second subject, who was called Lee.

"Lee, kiss my knee!"

Lee obeys and kisses his king's knee. The king turns in the direction o...

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My boss asked for helpful safety advice in a meeting today

Apparently "don't stick your hand where you wouldn't stick your dick" isn't good work place safety advice

A Salesman is Late for an Important Meeting.

A Salesman is Late for an important meeting, but as he is driving around looking for a parking spot, he realises they are all taken. Desperately, he begins to pray

"Please lord!" He says, "If you let me find a spot I will attend church every week and never drink beer again!"

Suddenly, ...

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Today I went to my premature ejaculation support group meeting

Turns out it was tomorrow.

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I set the pornhub theme as my ring tone, because if anyone at business meetings recognizes it they'll be too ashamed to comment.

They did stop shaking my hand though...

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A married guy goes to the bar…

A married guy goes to the bar, gets drunk out of his mind, and throws up on himself. He turns to a friend and says - “Holy shit, my wife’s gonna be so mad. I’d promised her a year of sobriety and here I am on day 7 all boozed up..”

The friend goes - “Don’t worry, man! I got a trick,” puts a $...

A group of Arab businessmen were gathering for a meeting ...

As they all filed in to take their seats, there was a round of semi-formal greetings exchanged, with many courteously bowed heads.

One attendee rushed in slightly late and sat down, and, unsure of what had already happened, leaned over and whispered to his neighbor, "Has the meeting started y...

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Two lovers of a recently deceased woman, both named Jack, attended her funeral.

They did not know about each other, nor the woman’s apparent penchant for lovers named Jack. They both, despite their typical emotional despondency, ended up caring for this woman over their respective affairs. Upon meeting and talking, at the reception, they realized they had both been played. Both...

why don't claustrophobic people like accidentally meeting the same person twice?

They don’t want to be reminded that it’s a small world

hello, and welcome to the plastic surgery addiction meeting

im seeing a lot of new faces in the crowd, and i must say im disappointed.

Why did the vampire refuse to attend the interdepartmental meeting?

He didn’t want to face that many stakeholders.

My coworkers laugh at my jokes in in-person meetings, but never in online meetings.

When I asked them why, they said that my jokes weren't remotely funny.

There once lived a Mr. Wrong

Since he was a wee lad, Mr. Wrong had it tough. He was a bright, brilliant young boy, but to his mother he would never be enough. Worse still, she'd make all sorts of outlandish statements to rub it into him that he would never amount to anything.

Mr. Wrong was tenacious though, as he'd delib...

Do you think at the very first KKK meeting

Anyone pushed for the correct spelling of "*Klan*"?

A old couple is in bed, lights turned off and making conversation.

The man asks: “how many partners have you had before meeting me?” . His wife thinks and a few seconds later answers: “ I have been with maybe 4 or 5 before you. What about you” she then asks her husband. Seconds, and minutes go by and no answers. “Are you sleeping” she asks, slightly annoyed. The hu...

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A young man is meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time

A young man is meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time. They're sitting in the living room chatting when he realizes that he really needs to fart. It's so bad that he's in extreme pain. Finally, he can't help it. He lifts one cheek and let's out a squeeker. "Spot" the father yells lookin...

The Arsonists Anonymous meeting went great last night

They got along like a house on fire.

A Russian officer is called into a meeting with his superior at their base camp

His boss starts:

"Comrade Lieutenant, it has come to my attention that you have been selling half of our fuel reserves on the black market"

"Yes Captain, it's true..."

"That's most unfortunate Lieutenant..."

"To be honest Captain, I know you sell army supplies too."...

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