There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

We had a mandatory meeting at work today

Tory and Amanda weren't even there!!!!

An Indonesian ambassador and a Polish ambassador are meeting in America to discuss international relationships when the American embassy worker gets confused.

"Their country flags are so similar and confusing," the American embassy worker thought to himself, "How can I tell the Indonesian flag and the Polish flag apart?"

"Is the white strip located above the red stripe?" The embassy worker asked the ambassadors.

"Tak" replied the ambassadors...

A jockey was riding the favourite at a race meeting, and was well ahead of the field.

His horse rounded the final corner, when suddenly the jockey was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.

He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence....

My friend and I had arranged a meeting to insult each other but he didn't show up

It was a diss appointment

Why are narwhals good at meeting new friends?

They are very good at breaking the ice.

A psychologist, a general, and a government official are tasked with reducing underage crime in a sample population put under their authority. Whoever drops it the most in a year, wins. After the year is done, they have a meeting to discuss their results.

The psychologist starts: "We lowered underage crime by over 20% in the last year, mostly by introducing counseling courses, and social assistance programs."

The General goes: "Crime is down by over 30%. Turns out, strict discipline and a one-strike rule can greatly affect people's habits."...

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Hitler and Mussolini are in a war meeting when Mussolini's stomach starts rumbling

"If you'll excuse me Adolf," said Mussolini "I have to go drop a Duce."

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A woman goes to an AA meeting, introduces herself, "I've been through three relationships now and I just can't handle it anymore. My pussy is killing me." Someone interrupts and says, "I'm sorry, what does this have to do with your problem with alcohol?"

"What problem with alcohol? I just can't seem to give up the hard lickers!"

An Indian is meeting his future wife via an arranged marriage and he father for the first time...

An Indian is meeting his future wife via an arranged marriage and he father for the first time. Her father is a heart surgeon. At one point in the evening, the father pulls the man aside and says, "There is something you should know about Saanvi before you wed. I am her doctor as well as her fa...

Your chances of meeting a unicorn are extremely low.

But they are still higher than the chance of you getting a girlfriend/boyfriend

What do you call a meeting of the Knights of the Round Table?

A *circonference*.

I tend to not move much during online meetings...

I'm told I have a resting glitch face.

An attractive man and a blonde meet in an elevator...

"Where are we heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood"

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"

"About $30."

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100."

The woman slightly annoyed gets off the elevator....

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A lion calls animals for a meeting

A lion calls animals for a meeting. "Everyone, I'm very hungry, so every one of you brings me a big piece of meat. If someone won't bring a big piece of meat, I'll beat them with my dick!" Everyone runs away. After a while they're coming back. A female deer brings a big piece of meat. Lion eats it a...

Two guys are in a meeting at work

The first guy says "Hey I think we should stop testing our products on animals."



The second guy tells him "look, I know it sucks but animal testing is an unfortunate necessity in saving human lives - look at the pharmaceutical industry.



The first guy goes "yeah, but we ...

The meeting was at 8 and I was 10 minutes late,...

...so I couldn't 8:10 the meeting.

What happens when you’re late to the cannibal meeting?

You get the cold shoulder

Why is it called a zoom meeting

When it should be a co-vid

What was the hackers' rehabilitation meeting called?

Anonymous Anonymous

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Hitler was in a meeting with his general, Eichmann.

Eichmann asked, "Fuhrer, what shall we do with all the Jews in the concentration camps?"

Hitler repleid, "I will kill 4 million Jews and 1 bicycle boy!"

Confused, Eichmann asked, "But Fuhrer, why would you kill 1 bicycle boy?"

Hitler answered, "See?! Nobody cares about the Jews!...

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One jew in a weekly meeting in synagogue came to Rabbi...

... and asked him: Rabbi, we are living in this russian village for a very long time, but i can't understand why russians don't like us?

Rabbi pondered and said that he doesn't know the answer and there is no answer on this question in every book he read, but we can't leave this question unan...

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Annual Meeting of some people with special interests.

Each year a group of 5 loonies come together to have a good time.

The people are: a sodomist, a sadist , a pyromaniac , a necrophile and a masochist.

After a couple of hours they get bored, however the sodomist got an idea:

Sodomist: We could catch a cat and ya know have fun wi...

I was late for my first meeting of Fight Club last night and I missed the rules.

Anyway I enjoyed Fight Club, and I really recommend Fight Club.

A successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.

"Welcome to the family!" said the businessman. "To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50% partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operation."

The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I se...

So a boss walks into his business meeting

He sits at the head of the table and says
“We need to stop testing our products on animals”

One of his employees exclaim “Why?! Makeup brands do it all the time!”

He turns to her and says “Susan? We make hammers, what do you not understand!”

Missed meeting

I woke up a bit late this morning and missed an online meeting I didn't get an invite to until Friday, which was a vacation day in the states.

After the meeting was over I got a message from my boss asking me why I missed the meeting.

So I asked, "Well, can I be Frank?"

And he...

A CEO is holding a meeting with the heads of two departments to determine how many and what kinds of resources are required

The first department head to speak is from IT, and he says:

"We need more staff. As it is we're completely swamped just trying to keep the servers from crashing."

The second department head is from HR, and he is tired of IT getting all the new hires:

"You can't keep allocating r...

My friend and I were late for a meeting

My friend and I were late for a meeting

We'd never been in that particular building before and we were lost.

My friend opened the wrong door and it turned out to be for a wedding reception.

After he closed the door, he seemed embarrassed and I said to him, "You look like you've ...

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I wasn't sure what to wear to my Pre-Mature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting...

so I just came in my pants.

Safety Meeting @ Work: They asked me what steps I would take in the event of a fire...

Apparently REALLY BIG ones was not the right answer. 🙄

My son was worried about going to a Boy Scouts meeting for the first time...

I told him he had knotting to worry about.

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge...

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."





"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."





"I should be in charge,...

I forgot to wear pants to my meeting with my psyschiatrist and he said:

I can clearly see your nuts.

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

Prime Minister Mori was given some basic English training before he visited Washington to meet president Barack Obama

The instructor told Prime Minister Mori, '"When you shake hands with President Obama, please ask 'How are you?'. Then Mr. Obama will say, 'I am fine and you?'. Now, you should say 'me too'. Afterwards, we translators, will do the work for you."

It looked quite simple but when Mori met Obama,...

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My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave ...

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"Sara," said the husband, "'I just I gol a letter from the IRS. How should 1 dress for my meeting? In my Armani suit or in my jeans?"

'Jacob;' his wife replied, "I'm going to tell
you the same thing that my mother told me
when I asked her whether I should wear pajamas or my sexy black negligee on our honeymoon. She said 'Sara, it doesn't matter how
you dress, you'll get fucked either way."

Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA meeting

I've never seen Han So low

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A group of prisoners is in their rehabilitation meeting.

Their task for the day is to each stand up in turn, speak his name and admit to his fellow inmates what crime he has committed.

The first prisoner stands and says, "My name is Daniel and I’m in for murder!" Everyone gives him approving look and pats him on the back for admitting his wrongdoi...

General secretary Gorbachev is going by car to a meeting.

Suddenly, his driver hits a pig near a small village and stops the car.
Gorbachev gives him 100 rubel and tells him, “Take the dead pig, go into the village, find out who it’s owner was, apologize to him, and give him this money.”
Several hours later the driver returns totally drunk. Gorbachev...

I showed up late for a Zoom meeting...

...when asked for a reason, I confessed: "You wouldn't believe the network traffic".

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There once was a child born missing an eye...

At birth the doctors decided it best to give the child a wooden eye until the family could afford to get the baby a nice glass eye.

Sadly the family could never afford it. And the boy was bullied a lot in school over it and eventually was taken out and home schooled. Everywhere he went he had...

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Kim Jong-un has unfortunately died and the North Korean subordinates gathered for a serious meeting.

After hours of discussion, they decided it'd be best to replace him with a look alike to fool the foreign leaders. A Kim Jong-un look alike contest was organised and the winner was to be selected to rule Korea.

Fliers and posters of the contest was all over North Korea and a majority of the...

NOTICE: Procrastinators meeting at 8 P.M. tonight

Edit: 9 P.M.

Edit: 10 P.M.

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I had my first pre-ejaculation club meeting today

I came extra early. No one was surprised.

Meeting the Friend's Blonde Girlfriend

A man is introducing himself to his friend's new girlfriend who happens to be a blonde.

As he reaches out to shake her hand, his friend notices a nasty scar on his forearm.

Jokingly, his friend points and says, "what happened? Failed suicide attempt?"

The man laughs it off and ...

Chineese president Xi Jinping passed a private note to Donald Trump at their last meeting.

It was very short and Trump thought it was obviously some sort of a code that simply read: “370HSSV-0773H”

He smiled, winked at Xi Jinping and pretended he knew what it said.

Later he asked his aids who couldn’t figure it out. He called the head of the FBI and CIA and none could figur...

A road king is dying and has a meeting with his three sons

Each of the sons thought

How will the land be divided?

How will our subjects fair?

When will he croooak?

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