What’s the difference between a nicely dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

...attire

Why couldn’t the bicycle stand on its own?

It is two tired

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

Why can’t bicycles stand up on their own?

They’re all two-tyred.

There is a guy who wakes up at 5 am and rides a bicycle until noon every weekend

There is a guy who wakes up at 5 am and rides a bicycle until noon every weekend. He does this no matter what - regardless of rain, snow, or thunder.



One day, however, the conditions are just too bad for him to ride his bike. There is a thick hail, brutal winds, and very slippery ice ...

I went to a liquor store yesterday on my bicycle.

I bought a bottle of Jack Daniels. I tied it to my bicycle carrier.

I was about to leave. Then I realised that if I fell off the bike on the way home, the bottle would break.

So I drank all the JD before I rode back.

Finally it turned out to be a very good decision, because I f...

Today I came out to find my bicycle was gone

I called the police and within a matter of hours they had tracked down the thief, He was arrested for peddling stolen goods.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When he turned 13, little Johhny asked his father if he would buy him a new bicycle................ *NSFW*

The father smirked at little Johnny and said to the young man "Well, I don't know son. Does your dick reach your asshole?"
Bewildered, Johnny went to the bathroom to check; coming out with a sad look on his face sobbing "No sir".
"Well, there's your answer son. No, I will not buy you a new bic...

The guy who built my bicycle wheels also does commercials for the shop.

He's a spokesperson.

Two nuns are riding their bicycles down the street.

The first nun says “follow me, I know a shortcut”.

The second nun says “I haven’t came this way before”.

“Yeah” says the first nun “the cobblestone will do that to you”.

My neighbors complained that my dog was chasing their kid on his bicycle but that’s impossible...

My dog doesn’t even have a bicycle.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sad story

For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $489,000 and your mother just lost her job.

I’m sorry but there’s no way we can afford it.”

The next day the father saw little Johnny headin...

Why did Hitler always get stopped riding a bicycle?

He did the wrong Handsignal

I like my women how I like my bicycles.

Chained up in the garage.

The girl fell down on a bicycle. Why doesn't she cry?

Because the bike handlebar pierced her lung.

A nun turns her bicycle down an unfamiliar, cobblestone lane.

"Oh, well I've never come this way before."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin.

A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin at a table. He asks them what they were doing and was told that they were planning WW3.
Hitler says, "We are going to kill 15 million jews, and a bicycle repairman."
The man, confused asks, "Why the bicycle repairman?"
Hitler turns to Stalin...

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.

He’s got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What’s in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We’ll just see about that – get off the bike!"

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in th...

A boy is loudly praying, "God please give me a bicycle."

His mom asks, "why are you praying so loudly? God isn't hard of hearing."
The boy replies, "yes but grandma is."

Bicycle jokes won't impress you

But a unicycle one wheel

"I hate being half motorcycle half bicycle"

he moped

Jonny's grandad gives him a new bicycle for his birthday.

"This is a very special, highly advanced bicycle. It can do things no other bike can do. But you must take it out for a ride at least every 7 days, or it will injure you", says his granddad.

Jonny puts the bicycle in his shed and forgets about it for a week. Then one day, Jonny goes to the sh...

A kid goes up to his father and asks for a bicycle.

His dad says, "If you can spell it out correctly, I'll get you one."

The kid thinks for a bit, then says, "Can I get a car instead?"

I've never been a fan of riding a bicycle...

I find it two tyresome

A young priest was dismayed to find his bicycle was stolen....

He told the pastor about the theft, and asked what he could do to get the bicycle back.

The pastor said, "Your sermon on Sunday is about the Ten Commandments. What you should do is emphasize 'Thou Shalt Not Steal.' Really bring the point home. Perhaps the thief will have an attack of consc...

Little Johnny wanted a red bicycle for Christmas.

He asked his mother, “Can I have a red bicycle for Christmas?”

“No, you’ve been a bad boy all year. Why do you think Santa should get you a red bicycle for Christmas? I want you to go and write a letter to God explaining why you should get a red bicycle for Christmas.”

So Little Johnny...

What's the difference between a Boy Scout and a guy who fixes bicycle horns?

One's motto is 'Be Prepared', the other's is 'Beep Repaired'


EDIT:I reached r/all, I promised a friend of mine that I would stop calling his mom hot if I reached all.

He sends his regards...

What do you call the crack dealer on a bicycle?

A drug peddler

What’s worse than being the village bicycle?

Being the village bicycle that no one wants to ride.

Why couldn't the Bicycle compete in the Tricycle race?

Because it was two-tired.

After a busy day, when we get into bed we become bicycles.

Too tired.

A nerd was walking down the sidewalk one day when his friend--another nerd--rode up on an incredible shiny new bright red bicycle.....

The first nerd was stunned by his friend's sweet ride and asked,

"WOW! Where did you get such a nice bike?"


The second nerd replied,

"Well, yesterday I was walking home,

minding my own business

when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike.

She ...

What is the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire

Why did the blind girl crash her bicycle?

Because someone threw a washing machine at her.

An engineering student is walking along when a fellow student arrives on a new bicycle

Impressed, he asks, "Where did you got this beautiful bicycle?"

"Well," the second engineering student says, "A couple of days ago I was just walking along when this georgeous blonde pulls up, hops off the bike, rips off all her clothes, and says 'take what you want'."

The other engi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man doing market research for Vaseline knocked on a door...

...and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline." Have you ever used the product?'

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time,"
The researcher then asks, "And if you don't mind me asking, w...

The Berlin Wall Guard

A guard stood in the East crossing of the Berlin Wall when he is approached by a man on a bicycle, carrying a suitcase.

"Before I let you cross, I need to check what's inside your suitcase," the guard says, and takes the suitcase. He puts on his gloves, and opens the case for examination only...

2 nuns on bicycles

2 nuns, on bicycles, rode down this street. The second nun called to the first “I’ve never come this way before” and the first nun called back “it’s the cobblestones!”

Guy crosses the border on a bicycle with two bags over his shoulder

The guard stops him and asks:
"What's in the bags?"
"Nothing but sand sir"
So he examines the bags and indeed nothing but sand.
"Ok you're clear move on"
Two weeks later, same thing.
So this guy goes on for months, every two weeks same bags, same sand and they find nothing and i...

My wife found out that our dog could hardly hear...

My wife Andrea found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog’s ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from re...

When I was a kid I prayed every night for a new bicycle

Then I learned the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness instead

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My neighbor stopped by to tell me my dogs had been chasing people on bicycles

Bull shit, my dogs don't even have bicycles!

Guy calls a bicycle wheel company

Says, "I'd like to speak to your spokesperson"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When it comes to sex, my girlfriend is like a bicycle...

She is usually too tired.

What did the bicycle say when asked if it wanted to stay up all night?

"I'm two tired".

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.


PS: Saw this somewhere on Facebook not my original.

Two Nuns riding home from church on a tandem bicycle...

Suddenly the nun in front steers the bike down a very bumpy road - not their normal rout.

Curious, the nun on the back asks, "Have you come this way before, sister?"

Nun in front replies, "Yes... I think it's the *cobblestones!"*

Three men approached the gate to heaven.....

Three men approached the gate to heaven and as there was only one opening left, the gatekeeper said that whoever had the most remarkable and worthy death could enter. He asked the first man how he died, and the man replied, "Imagine this -- I suspected my wife was having an affair behind my back and...

A small boy parks his bicycle nearby the Parliament house and walks on...

A police constable stops him and asks: "Why did you park your bicycle here? Don't you know about this road? Many politicians pass from here".

The boy innocently replies, "Don't worry, I have locked my bicycle".

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One ...

Why do rappers hate bicycles

They can't handle the bars

Life is like a bicycle

A black will probably take it.

What do you call a nun on a bicycle?

virgin mobile

What do you do when your bicycle's wheels wear out?

You retire it.

All these reposts are turning me into a bicycle.

I'm just two-tired to put up with them any longer.

A man is found dead surrounded by 53 bicycles. How did he die?

He had an ace up his sleeve.