This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The first time I had sex was kinda like the first time I rode a bicycle

my dad was holding me from behind

Why can't bicycles stand up on their own?

Because they're "two tired"

What's the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire

I was called a bicycle today.

Because I was too tired.

Today I came out to find my bicycle was gone

I called the police and within a matter of hours they had tracked down the thief, He was arrested for peddling stolen goods.

I went to a liquor store yesterday on my bicycle.

I bought a bottle of Jack Daniels. I tied it to my bicycle carrier.

I was about to leave. Then I realised that if I fell off the bike on the way home, the bottle would break.

So I drank all the JD before I rode back.

Finally it turned out to be a very good decision, because I f...

My neighbors complained that my dog was chasing their kid on his bicycle but that’s impossible...

My dog doesn’t even have a bicycle.

Mommy, i want a bicycle !!

Shut up Sam! You’ve already have your wheelchair!

The guy who built my bicycle wheels also does commercials for the shop.

He's a spokesperson.

Why did Hitler always get stopped riding a bicycle?

He did the wrong Handsignal

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sad story

For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $489,000 and your mother just lost her job.

I’m sorry but there’s no way we can afford it.”

The next day the father saw little Johnny headin...

I like my women how I like my bicycles.

Chained up in the garage.

A nun turns her bicycle down an unfamiliar, cobblestone lane.

"Oh, well I've never come this way before."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin.

A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin at a table. He asks them what they were doing and was told that they were planning WW3.
Hitler says, "We are going to kill 15 million jews, and a bicycle repairman."
The man, confused asks, "Why the bicycle repairman?"
Hitler turns to Stalin...

There is a guy who wakes up at 5 am and rides a bicycle until noon every weekend

There is a guy who wakes up at 5 am and rides a bicycle until noon every weekend. He does this no matter what - regardless of rain, snow, or thunder.



One day, however, the conditions are just too bad for him to ride his bike. There is a thick hail, brutal winds, and very slippery ice ...

Bicycle jokes won't impress you

But a unicycle one wheel

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.

He’s got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What’s in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We’ll just see about that – get off the bike!"

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in th...

"I hate being half motorcycle half bicycle"

he moped

Little Johnny wanted a red bicycle for Christmas.

He asked his mother, “Can I have a red bicycle for Christmas?”

“No, you’ve been a bad boy all year. Why do you think Santa should get you a red bicycle for Christmas? I want you to go and write a letter to God explaining why you should get a red bicycle for Christmas.”

So Little Johnny...

I've never been a fan of riding a bicycle...

I find it two tyresome

Why couldn't the man on the bicycle win a race against the woman on the unicycle?

He was two tired.

A kid goes up to his father and asks for a bicycle.

His dad says, "If you can spell it out correctly, I'll get you one."

The kid thinks for a bit, then says, "Can I get a car instead?"

A boy is loudly praying, "God please give me a bicycle."

His mom asks, "why are you praying so loudly? God isn't hard of hearing."
The boy replies, "yes but grandma is."

Jonny's grandad gives him a new bicycle for his birthday.

"This is a very special, highly advanced bicycle. It can do things no other bike can do. But you must take it out for a ride at least every 7 days, or it will injure you", says his granddad.

Jonny puts the bicycle in his shed and forgets about it for a week. Then one day, Jonny goes to the sh...

What’s worse than being the village bicycle?

Being the village bicycle that no one wants to ride.

What do you call the crack dealer on a bicycle?

A drug peddler

A young priest was dismayed to find his bicycle was stolen....

He told the pastor about the theft, and asked what he could do to get the bicycle back.

The pastor said, "Your sermon on Sunday is about the Ten Commandments. What you should do is emphasize 'Thou Shalt Not Steal.' Really bring the point home. Perhaps the thief will have an attack of consc...

What's the difference between a Boy Scout and a guy who fixes bicycle horns?

One's motto is 'Be Prepared', the other's is 'Beep Repaired'


EDIT:I reached r/all, I promised a friend of mine that I would stop calling his mom hot if I reached all.

He sends his regards...

Why couldn't the Bicycle compete in the Tricycle race?

Because it was two-tired.

A nerd was walking down the sidewalk one day when his friend--another nerd--rode up on an incredible shiny new bright red bicycle.....

The first nerd was stunned by his friend's sweet ride and asked,

"WOW! Where did you get such a nice bike?"


The second nerd replied,

"Well, yesterday I was walking home,

minding my own business

when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike.

She ...

2 nuns on bicycles

2 nuns, on bicycles, rode down this street. The second nun called to the first “I’ve never come this way before” and the first nun called back “it’s the cobblestones!”

After a busy day, when we get into bed we become bicycles.

Too tired.

Why did the blind girl crash her bicycle?

Because someone threw a washing machine at her.

What is the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire

I was going to tell a bicycle joke

But it is wheelie pretty bad.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man doing market research for Vaseline knocked on a door...

...and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline." Have you ever used the product?'

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time,"
The researcher then asks, "And if you don't mind me asking, w...

Guy calls a bicycle wheel company

Says, "I'd like to speak to your spokesperson"

What do you call a bicycle made of paper?

A tearable bike

An engineering student is walking along when a fellow student arrives on a new bicycle

Impressed, he asks, "Where did you got this beautiful bicycle?"

"Well," the second engineering student says, "A couple of days ago I was just walking along when this georgeous blonde pulls up, hops off the bike, rips off all her clothes, and says 'take what you want'."

The other engi...

When I was a kid I prayed every night for a new bicycle

Then I learned the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness instead

My wife found out that our dog could hardly hear...

My wife Andrea found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog’s ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from re...

The Berlin Wall Guard

A guard stood in the East crossing of the Berlin Wall when he is approached by a man on a bicycle, carrying a suitcase.

"Before I let you cross, I need to check what's inside your suitcase," the guard says, and takes the suitcase. He puts on his gloves, and opens the case for examination only...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When it comes to sex, my girlfriend is like a bicycle...

She is usually too tired.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My neighbor stopped by to tell me my dogs had been chasing people on bicycles

Bull shit, my dogs don't even have bicycles!

Guy crosses the border on a bicycle with two bags over his shoulder

The guard stops him and asks:
"What's in the bags?"
"Nothing but sand sir"
So he examines the bags and indeed nothing but sand.
"Ok you're clear move on"
Two weeks later, same thing.
So this guy goes on for months, every two weeks same bags, same sand and they find nothing and i...

What did the bicycle say when asked if it wanted to stay up all night?

"I'm two tired".

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.


PS: Saw this somewhere on Facebook not my original.

Two Nuns riding home from church on a tandem bicycle...

Suddenly the nun in front steers the bike down a very bumpy road - not their normal rout.

Curious, the nun on the back asks, "Have you come this way before, sister?"

Nun in front replies, "Yes... I think it's the *cobblestones!"*

A small boy parks his bicycle nearby the Parliament house and walks on...

A police constable stops him and asks: "Why did you park your bicycle here? Don't you know about this road? Many politicians pass from here".

The boy innocently replies, "Don't worry, I have locked my bicycle".

Three men approached the gate to heaven.....

Three men approached the gate to heaven and as there was only one opening left, the gatekeeper said that whoever had the most remarkable and worthy death could enter. He asked the first man how he died, and the man replied, "Imagine this -- I suspected my wife was having an affair behind my back and...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Tom's scrotum

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise.

Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pai...

Why do rappers hate bicycles

They can't handle the bars

What do you call a cyclist with an unnatural love of children's bicycles?

Pedalphile

Life is like a bicycle

A black will probably take it.

What do you do when your bicycle's wheels wear out?

You retire it.

All these reposts are turning me into a bicycle.

I'm just two-tired to put up with them any longer.

What do you call a nun on a bicycle?

virgin mobile

A man is found dead surrounded by 53 bicycles. How did he die?

He had an ace up his sleeve.

A man parks his bicycle outside the White House

A cop comes to him and ask to remove the bicycle immediately saying, "Haven't you any idea which place is this, this is where all the senators, President, Vice-President stay."

Man calms him down, "Don't worry, I have locked my bicycle."


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