Juan arrives at the Mexico/US border

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on a bicycle. He's got 2 large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them ou...

I need a new bicycle chain.

Can anyone give me any links?

Why can't the bicycle stand on it's own?

Because it's two tired.

What do you call two hippos riding a bicycle?

Optimistic!

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My friend had this on a joke calendar this morning. If anyone can, please explain this to us. Are we that dumb that we don't get it, or is it so obvious that we might be over thinking it?

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I just cycled ten miles to Halfords to get a new bicycle seat.

What a pain in the arse.

A small-town preacher was known for getting around town on his bicycle. One day, a neighbor noticed him walking and asked him about his missing bike.

The preacher said, "Can you believe someone stole it?!"
The man replied, "I have an idea. On Sunday, give a sermon on the Ten Commandments. When you get to *Thou Shalt Not Steal,* really rail on it, and the thief is sure to feel guilty and return your bike."
The preacher agreed and went on his...

What do you get if you cross a bridge with a bicycle?

You get across the bridge faster than if you'd walked.

What does the German engineer call his very small bicycle?

His microfarad.

What is the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

I recently bought a bicycle that plays American music when you ride it

It's called a Gerschwinn

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

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When he turned 13, little Johhny asked his father if he would buy him a new bicycle................ *NSFW*

The father smirked at little Johnny and said to the young man "Well, I don't know son. Does your dick reach your asshole?"
Bewildered, Johnny went to the bathroom to check; coming out with a sad look on his face sobbing "No sir".
"Well, there's your answer son. No, I will not buy you a new bic...

Why can’t bicycles stand up on their own?

They’re all two-tyred.

There is a guy who wakes up at 5 am and rides a bicycle until noon every weekend

There is a guy who wakes up at 5 am and rides a bicycle until noon every weekend. He does this no matter what - regardless of rain, snow, or thunder.



One day, however, the conditions are just too bad for him to ride his bike. There is a thick hail, brutal winds, and very slippery ice ...

A little boy wanted a bicycle for Christmas

His mother said she didn’t have enough money to buy him a new bike but suggested that if her wrote to Jesus promising to be a good boy in the future, then maybe Jesus might be willing to get him one.

So the boy started writing out a letter. ‘Dear Jesus, I promise to be good for one year...’ H...

The guy who built my bicycle wheels also does commercials for the shop.

He's a spokesperson.

Mommy, i want a bicycle !!

Shut up Sam! You’ve already have your wheelchair!

I went to a liquor store yesterday on my bicycle.

I bought a bottle of Jack Daniels. I tied it to my bicycle carrier.

I was about to leave. Then I realised that if I fell off the bike on the way home, the bottle would break.

So I drank all the JD before I rode back.

Finally it turned out to be a very good decision, because I f...

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A sad story

For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $489,000 and your mother just lost her job.

I’m sorry but there’s no way we can afford it.”

The next day the father saw little Johnny headin...

Today I came out to find my bicycle was gone

I called the police and within a matter of hours they had tracked down the thief, He was arrested for peddling stolen goods.

My neighbors complained that my dog was chasing their kid on his bicycle but that’s impossible...

My dog doesn’t even have a bicycle.

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A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin.

A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin at a table. He asks them what they were doing and was told that they were planning WW3.
Hitler says, "We are going to kill 15 million jews, and a bicycle repairman."
The man, confused asks, "Why the bicycle repairman?"
Hitler turns to Stalin...

I like my women how I like my bicycles.

Chained up in the garage.

Why did Hitler always get stopped riding a bicycle?

He did the wrong Handsignal

A nun turns her bicycle down an unfamiliar, cobblestone lane.

"Oh, well I've never come this way before."

As I am walking through the park and the police is stopping me asking "Does your dog chase the people on a bicycle?"

-??? My dog does not even have a bicycle

A boy is loudly praying, "God please give me a bicycle."

His mom asks, "why are you praying so loudly? God isn't hard of hearing."
The boy replies, "yes but grandma is."

Bicycle jokes won't impress you

But a unicycle one wheel

Jonny's grandad gives him a new bicycle for his birthday.

"This is a very special, highly advanced bicycle. It can do things no other bike can do. But you must take it out for a ride at least every 7 days, or it will injure you", says his granddad.

Jonny puts the bicycle in his shed and forgets about it for a week. Then one day, Jonny goes to the sh...

What's the difference between a Boy Scout and a guy who fixes bicycle horns?

One's motto is 'Be Prepared', the other's is 'Beep Repaired'


EDIT:I reached r/all, I promised a friend of mine that I would stop calling his mom hot if I reached all.

He sends his regards...

"I hate being half motorcycle half bicycle"

he moped

What is the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire

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A man doing market research for Vaseline knocked on a door...

...and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline." Have you ever used the product?'

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time,"
The researcher then asks, "And if you don't mind me asking, w...

A kid goes up to his father and asks for a bicycle.

His dad says, "If you can spell it out correctly, I'll get you one."

The kid thinks for a bit, then says, "Can I get a car instead?"

A young priest was dismayed to find his bicycle was stolen....

He told the pastor about the theft, and asked what he could do to get the bicycle back.

The pastor said, "Your sermon on Sunday is about the Ten Commandments. What you should do is emphasize 'Thou Shalt Not Steal.' Really bring the point home. Perhaps the thief will have an attack of consc...

I've never been a fan of riding a bicycle...

I find it two tyresome

Little Johnny wanted a red bicycle for Christmas.

He asked his mother, “Can I have a red bicycle for Christmas?”

“No, you’ve been a bad boy all year. Why do you think Santa should get you a red bicycle for Christmas? I want you to go and write a letter to God explaining why you should get a red bicycle for Christmas.”

So Little Johnny...

What do you call the crack dealer on a bicycle?

A drug peddler

After a busy day, when we get into bed we become bicycles.

Too tired.

Why couldn't the Bicycle compete in the Tricycle race?

Because it was two-tired.

Why did the blind girl crash her bicycle?

Because someone threw a washing machine at her.

A nerd was walking down the sidewalk one day when his friend--another nerd--rode up on an incredible shiny new bright red bicycle.....

The first nerd was stunned by his friend's sweet ride and asked,

"WOW! Where did you get such a nice bike?"


The second nerd replied,

"Well, yesterday I was walking home,

minding my own business

when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike.

She ...

When I was a kid I prayed every night for a new bicycle

Then I learned the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness instead

An engineering student is walking along when a fellow student arrives on a new bicycle

Impressed, he asks, "Where did you got this beautiful bicycle?"

"Well," the second engineering student says, "A couple of days ago I was just walking along when this georgeous blonde pulls up, hops off the bike, rips off all her clothes, and says 'take what you want'."

The other engi...

2 nuns on bicycles

2 nuns, on bicycles, rode down this street. The second nun called to the first “I’ve never come this way before” and the first nun called back “it’s the cobblestones!”

Guy crosses the border on a bicycle with two bags over his shoulder

The guard stops him and asks:
"What's in the bags?"
"Nothing but sand sir"
So he examines the bags and indeed nothing but sand.
"Ok you're clear move on"
Two weeks later, same thing.
So this guy goes on for months, every two weeks same bags, same sand and they find nothing and i...

Guy calls a bicycle wheel company

Says, "I'd like to speak to your spokesperson"

My wife found out that our dog could hardly hear...

My wife Andrea found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog’s ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from re...

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My neighbor stopped by to tell me my dogs had been chasing people on bicycles

Bull shit, my dogs don't even have bicycles!

The Berlin Wall Guard

A guard stood in the East crossing of the Berlin Wall when he is approached by a man on a bicycle, carrying a suitcase.

"Before I let you cross, I need to check what's inside your suitcase," the guard says, and takes the suitcase. He puts on his gloves, and opens the case for examination only...

Three men approached the gate to heaven.....

Three men approached the gate to heaven and as there was only one opening left, the gatekeeper said that whoever had the most remarkable and worthy death could enter. He asked the first man how he died, and the man replied, "Imagine this -- I suspected my wife was having an affair behind my back and...

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When it comes to sex, my girlfriend is like a bicycle...

She is usually too tired.

What did the bicycle say when asked if it wanted to stay up all night?

"I'm two tired".

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.


PS: Saw this somewhere on Facebook not my original.

Two Nuns riding home from church on a tandem bicycle...

Suddenly the nun in front steers the bike down a very bumpy road - not their normal rout.

Curious, the nun on the back asks, "Have you come this way before, sister?"

Nun in front replies, "Yes... I think it's the *cobblestones!"*

A small boy parks his bicycle nearby the Parliament house and walks on...

A police constable stops him and asks: "Why did you park your bicycle here? Don't you know about this road? Many politicians pass from here".

The boy innocently replies, "Don't worry, I have locked my bicycle".

What do you call a nun on a bicycle?

virgin mobile

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