My sister told me I couldn't make a bicycle out of spaghetti

You should have seen her face when i rode pasta

Why can't a bicycle stand on it's own?

Cause it's two tired.

Why can’t bicycles stand on their own?

They’re two-tired.

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

Why do bicycles never go to parties?

They’re always two-tired.

My neighbors complained that my dog was chasing their kid on his bicycle...

But that’s impossible...
...My dog does not even have a bicycle.

Little Johnny asks his father for a $200 bicycle for his birthday.

Johnny's father says, "We have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and I just got laid off! There won't be a $200 bike this year."

Two days later, Little Johnny walks out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father asks him why he's leaving.

Johnny says, "Early this mo...

My friend is crazy, he’s constantly riding his bike on a bicycle trail.

He’s a psychopath on a cycle path.

Two nuns riding bicycles on tiny back roads in Vatican City...

One old and one young, they pedal down the tiny side streets admiring the scenery. The young nun sighs and says, "Wow, I've never come this way before."

The other nun goes, "Ah, yes, my dear. It's the cobblestones."

What do you call a door to door bicycle salesman?

A Peddler

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire!

My dog kept chasing people on bicycles

So I took his bike away

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What do you call a redditor on a bicycle?

Virgin Mobile

I pray every night for a new bicycle when I was young

Then I realized that is not how God works

So I stole one and pray for forgiveness instead

The priest's missing bicycle

A smalltown priest went to the mayor, complaining:

\- Someone stole my bicycle!

The wise mayor responded:

\- Fear not! There is an easy way to find it. All you need to do is to read the ten commandment in front of the whole congregation next Sunday. When you reach "Thou shalt no...

I need a new bicycle chain.

Can anyone give me any links?

What's the difference between a brown bear on a bicycle and a black bear on a bicycle?

Bearly much, they're bicycly the same.

A man is going across the border with different bicycles everyday with bags of sand on the handle bars

The border patrol searches methodically and carefully everyday in the sand and they are never able to find anything. An agent retired 7 years later meets the man in a cafe while they’re both getting a coffee. The man asked if he could buy the drink but a question would have to be answered. The man ...

“Where’s your bicycle, Father?"

... I asked the parish priest. It was the first time I had seen him walking in years!

“Don’t know, I think it might have been stolen, but I'll know for sure on Sunday” he replied. “At my next sermon I will go through the Ten Commandments. When I get to ‘thou shalt not steal’ I'll be watching...

What's the difference between a velodrome and a palindrome?

For one, you have to use a bicycle. For the other, you can use a race car.

What do you call two hippos riding a bicycle?

Optimistic!



My friend had this on a joke calendar this morning. If anyone can, please explain this to us. Are we that dumb that we don't get it, or is it so obvious that we might be over thinking it?

A small-town preacher was known for getting around town on his bicycle. One day, a neighbor noticed him walking and asked him about his missing bike.

The preacher said, "Can you believe someone stole it?!"
The man replied, "I have an idea. On Sunday, give a sermon on the Ten Commandments. When you get to *Thou Shalt Not Steal,* really rail on it, and the thief is sure to feel guilty and return your bike."
The preacher agreed and went on his...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just cycled ten miles to Halfords to get a new bicycle seat.

What a pain in the arse.

Two nuns leave the abbey on their bicycles to spend the day in town. A road closure forces them to take a different route home....

"I've never come this way before," the first nun says.

The other says, "It's the cobblestones."

There is a guy who wakes up at 5 am and rides a bicycle until noon every weekend

There is a guy who wakes up at 5 am and rides a bicycle until noon every weekend. He does this no matter what - regardless of rain, snow, or thunder.



One day, however, the conditions are just too bad for him to ride his bike. There is a thick hail, brutal winds, and very slippery ice ...

Why couldn't the bicycle make it up the hill?

It was two-tired.

A little boy wanted a bicycle for Christmas

His mother said she didn’t have enough money to buy him a new bike but suggested that if her wrote to Jesus promising to be a good boy in the future, then maybe Jesus might be willing to get him one.

So the boy started writing out a letter. ‘Dear Jesus, I promise to be good for one year...’ H...

I went to a liquor store yesterday on my bicycle.

I bought a bottle of Jack Daniels. I tied it to my bicycle carrier.

I was about to leave. Then I realised that if I fell off the bike on the way home, the bottle would break.

So I drank all the JD before I rode back.

Finally it turned out to be a very good decision, because I f...

The guy who built my bicycle wheels also does commercials for the shop.

He's a spokesperson.

Hippopotamuses can outrun a human on land or in the water.

So if you’re in a triathlon against a hippo, you really have to make up time in the bicycle portion.

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.

He’s got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What’s in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We’ll just see about that – get off the bike!"

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in th...

A boy is loudly praying, "God please give me a bicycle."

His mom asks, "why are you praying so loudly? God isn't hard of hearing."
The boy replies, "yes but grandma is."

Mommy, i want a bicycle !!

Shut up Sam! You’ve already have your wheelchair!

What's the difference between a Boy Scout and a guy who fixes bicycle horns?

One's motto is 'Be Prepared', the other's is 'Beep Repaired'


EDIT:I reached r/all, I promised a friend of mine that I would stop calling his mom hot if I reached all.

He sends his regards...

A lady found that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

The vet found the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover, and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
<...

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When he turned 13, little Johhny asked his father if he would buy him a new bicycle................ *NSFW*

The father smirked at little Johnny and said to the young man "Well, I don't know son. Does your dick reach your asshole?"
Bewildered, Johnny went to the bathroom to check; coming out with a sad look on his face sobbing "No sir".
"Well, there's your answer son. No, I will not buy you a new bic...

Bicycle jokes won't impress you

But a unicycle one wheel

What do you get if you cross a bridge with a bicycle?

You get across the bridge faster than if you'd walked.

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?

Wanna ride our bicycles?

As I am walking through the park and the police is stopping me asking "Does your dog chase the people on a bicycle?"

-??? My dog does not even have a bicycle

A nun turns her bicycle down an unfamiliar, cobblestone lane.

"Oh, well I've never come this way before."

Two nuns are riding their bicycles down the street.

The first nun says “follow me, I know a shortcut”.

The second nun says “I haven’t came this way before”.

“Yeah” says the first nun “the cobblestone will do that to you”.

What is the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Hitler always get stopped riding a bicycle?

He did the wrong Handsignal

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On a remote Pacific island, a missionary is trying to teach English to the natives.

He takes a group of the local men on a walk through the jungle, pointing out various items and telling them the English equivalents.
He points to a tree and says "Tree".
The natives all nod and repeat "Tree".
A short time later they come across a large boulder. The missionary says "Rock"....

Jonny's grandad gives him a new bicycle for his birthday.

"This is a very special, highly advanced bicycle. It can do things no other bike can do. But you must take it out for a ride at least every 7 days, or it will injure you", says his granddad.

Jonny puts the bicycle in his shed and forgets about it for a week. Then one day, Jonny goes to the sh...

When I was a kid I prayed every night for a new bicycle

Then I learned the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness instead

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tom's scrotum

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise.

Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pai...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Oh, Little Johnny.....at it again

One day, about a week prior to his birthday, Little Johnny’s dad asks, “Johnny, I know your birthday is coming up, and your mother and I really want it to be a good one, but with your mother losing her job recently, and the fact that we have a $280,000 mortgage, we may not be able to spend too much....

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This is Nejo...

A 7 year old African boy. Nejo has only one leg and has to travel 5 miles to school everyday on a bicycle with buckled wheels.

Donate just £3 now and we will send you the video, it's fucking hilarious.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny came home after playing with his older friends.

His friends kept using adult words and making jokes. Johnny laughed, but he never understood what the words meant. He walks over to his dad and asks: "Dad, what's a hooker?"

The dad, taken slightly aback by the bashful Johnny, decided he did not want Johnny to know that kind of language yet. ...

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Young brats and old man.

Two teenage kids were waiting for the bus and there was this old man sitting at the station.

Let's go and tease the grandpa- they said.

-Hey sir can we ask you a question?
-yes sure.
-What's a thing with two wheels that you can ride?
A bicycle said the old man.
- Yes ...

"I hate being half motorcycle half bicycle"

he moped

A kid goes up to his father and asks for a bicycle.

His dad says, "If you can spell it out correctly, I'll get you one."

The kid thinks for a bit, then says, "Can I get a car instead?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just a Cop and a Boy

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."...

Little Johnny wanted a red bicycle for Christmas.

He asked his mother, “Can I have a red bicycle for Christmas?”

“No, you’ve been a bad boy all year. Why do you think Santa should get you a red bicycle for Christmas? I want you to go and write a letter to God explaining why you should get a red bicycle for Christmas.”

So Little Johnny...

A young priest was dismayed to find his bicycle was stolen....

He told the pastor about the theft, and asked what he could do to get the bicycle back.

The pastor said, "Your sermon on Sunday is about the Ten Commandments. What you should do is emphasize 'Thou Shalt Not Steal.' Really bring the point home. Perhaps the thief will have an attack of consc...

After a busy day, when we get into bed we become bicycles.

Too tired.

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One ...

Why did the blind girl crash her bicycle?

Because someone threw a washing machine at her.

I've never been a fan of riding a bicycle...

I find it two tyresome

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to set the bicycle on fire and two to fill the bathtub with giraffes.

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At the Custom

There is this young boy living in the border of Venezuela. He is a well known trouble maker and he is well known with the police and the custom officers.

One day, the boy is crossing from Colombia to Venezuela on a bicycle with 2 bags of sand at the back.

The custom guard know this boy...

Why couldn't the Bicycle compete in the Tricycle race?

Because it was two-tired.

A nerd was walking down the sidewalk one day when his friend--another nerd--rode up on an incredible shiny new bright red bicycle.....

The first nerd was stunned by his friend's sweet ride and asked,

"WOW! Where did you get such a nice bike?"


The second nerd replied,

"Well, yesterday I was walking home,

minding my own business

when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike.

She ...

New mower!

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher. "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy. After a moment of consideration,...

Guy crosses the border on a bicycle with two bags over his shoulder

The guard stops him and asks:
"What's in the bags?"
"Nothing but sand sir"
So he examines the bags and indeed nothing but sand.
"Ok you're clear move on"
Two weeks later, same thing.
So this guy goes on for months, every two weeks same bags, same sand and they find nothing and i...

What’s worse than being the village bicycle?

Being the village bicycle that no one wants to ride.

I'm a blatant racist.

I hate all races, bicycle races, foot races, marathon races, car races. Every race.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My neighbor stopped by to tell me my dogs had been chasing people on bicycles

Bull shit, my dogs don't even have bicycles!

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