What's the difference between a drone and an aircraft with 283 passengers on board?

You don't start a war when an aircraft with 283 passengers is shot down.

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force pl...

How do the Taliban power their aircraft?

Wind Turbans

A man is an aircraft engineer for the army.

However, he is having some trouble with planes. Whenever a plane flies too high or too fast in the sky, the wings will break of the plane. One day, the Engineer decides to go to the park. He sits down on a bench with a rabbi. He tells the rabbi about how his planes’ wings always fall off. The rabbi ...

9 Blondes and 1 Brunette are holding onto the wing of a weighed down rapidly descending aircraft.

They all realize one must let go to save the rest of them.

The plane is about 1000 meters away from crashing, when the brunette starts to say that she will heroicly let go of the wing of the plane to save the 9 others.

She gets a few a tears and cries of “Nooo” but as she finishes, a...

The US Military today confirmed that two marijuana users were killed when an aircraft crashed into a house shortly after takeoff.

Experts are saying it's the first recorded instance of killing two stoners with one bird.

The FAA has determined that it will never need to ground a Boeing aircraft again.

The planes can clearly ground themselves!

Light aircraft crashes in Scotland!

Two kilt

One of the Monty Python team has invented an unmanned aircraft that does sky-writing that’s spelled the same backwards as forwards...

It’s a Palin drone...

Two aircraft mechanics get off work

Two aircraft mechanics get off work at la Guardia, and one says, "Let's go have a beer". The other says, "Why don't we try drinking jet fuel? I hear it tastes like whiskey, and you don't have a hangover in the morning."
So they drink about a quart of it each. It tastes great and they have a good ...

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My grand dad was a WW2 vet, he destroyed 12 Nazi aircraft aviators killing 45 German aviators

Easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

A military airfield, a test of new aircrafts. A special commission is standing and watching.

Suddenly, a huge bomb falls off one plane, which was going to take off, and begins to roll in the direction of the commission. All fall to the ground, except the old colonel. The bomb rolls straight towards him. He stopped it with his foot, without removing the cigarette from his mouth.

...

What's the callsign of an aircraft carrying the president of Switzerland?

Tobler One

An Engineer, a Physicist and an A&P Aircraft Mechanic

An Engineer, a Physicist and an A&P aircraft mechanic were all having an argument as to who was the smartest. One of them proposed a contest to settle the matter once and for all.

For the contest, they would lock each of them in a room with three ball bearings for one week. At the end of...

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A few Indian pilots went to Russia for the training of modern MiG-27 aircraft

Russian instructor:

Press this button to takeoff.

Press this button to turn the plane right.

Press this button to turn the plane left.

Pressing this button to go up.



At the end of the training, Indian pilots stood up and asked.



But how will w...

Why is an aircraft painted?

To prevent it from looking **plane**.



Did you hear about the French explorer who crashed his aircraft into a Canadian lake?

He drank too much Champlain.

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An aircraft is flying when all over sudden a bird crashes through the cockpit and kills both the pilot and co pilot.

Having heard the crash a blonde flight attendant rushes in to find out what happened.

Once inside the cockpit the plane jerks and the cabin door slams shut and can't be opened.

So she pulls the captain out of his seat and sits down, taking the radio into her hands and says,

"M...

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A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York,

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and - bingo! - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Bus...

Newsflash! A small, 2-seat aircraft crashed in a graveyard in Poland.

Rescuers have found 115 dead so far and expect to find hundreds more as they continue digging.

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45000 feet above the Atlantic, the aircraft engine fails

And the captain declares an emergency. Everyone aboard the plane are scared shitless. A passenger sitting next to the pastor loses it and screams, 'Don't just sit there, do something religious!'.

The pastor promptly took up a collection.....

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and ...

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base ...

LPT: If you're flying a small aircraft and you have to make an emergency landing, try to land on a golf course. There is a better chance that there may be a doctor on the course to treat any injuries.

... you might be able to take out a few lawyers on the ground as well.

I once saw a sign that said "Speed limit enforced by aircraft."

I'm pretty sure if you're getting pulled over by an F-16, you deserve to be driving that fast.

Jones the farmer and his son Berwyn sign up for a sight-seeing tour in a small aircraft. As always, Jones angles for the best deal possible.

“Very well, Mr Jones,” says the pilot. “If you can go through the entire flight without making a sound, you and Berwyn can have your tickets for free.”

So the plane takes off and the pilot makes sure it’s a rough one, launching almost straight up, flying under the Severn Bridge, using every s...

What do you call an anti-aircraft gun that shoots high-quality digital audio files?

A .flac gun

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A WWII joke

A retired British World War II pilot is in an interview on the BBC reminiscing about his days in the air force:
"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was escorting some bombers and suddenly, out of the ...

I often hear of aircraft been taken out of action by bird strikes.

What I want to know is, what does their union even want?

The former governor of Alaska is contributing to the manufacturing of new unmanned aircraft for the Afghanistan War.

These quadricopters are going to be named "Strikekirts", which reads the same forwards and backwards.

Why?

It's because they are Palindrones.

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Three Commanding Officers are sitting in the Officer's Quarters aboard an Aircraft Carrier.

A Marine Colonel, A Navy Lieutenant Commander overseeing the SEAL aboard the ship, and an Army Major overseeing the Rangers aboard. The Colonel turns to the other officers and says, "My men are braver than your men." The other two turn to him and say "Yeah, well prove it."

The Colonel calls i...

My uncle was in the navy, stationed on an aircraft carrier.

One day during inspection he had a ketchup stain on his shirt. This had the natural punishment of kitchen duty.

That night he reported and there was a big, fat, sweaty man in a wife beater making hamburger patties for dinner the next night. He'd pick up a handful of beef, put it into his arm...

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In the early days of aircraft, China was copying some American designs.

They bought one of the earliest gliders from the States and carefully took it apart. Measured dimensions of the wings and body, weighed every single part and even did some careful studies to determine the exact materials.

They put some of their best engineers on it to ensure all the maths che...

What do you call an aircraft piloted by an all female flight crew

An unmanned aircraft.

Stolen from [here](https://np.reddit.com/r/flying/comments/2mntbj/my_wifes_first_flight_as_captain/cm6ahb4)

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A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the men's room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the men’s room door, it was "OCCUPIED".

The stewardess, aware of his predicament
suggested that he go ahead and use the Ladies
room, but cautioned him against using any of
the buttons inside. The Buttons were marked
"WW, WA, PP, and ATR".

Making the mistake that so many men make in
disregarding the importance of...

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I call my penis "my aircraft carrier"

Because there are always seamen in it.

My friend is obsessed with aircraft carriers

He warships them

What kind of Aircraft is into Men and Women?

A Biplane.

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A planes engine has failed and the aircraft going to crash in the next few minutes

There are 4 people on board, the crew has already abandoned the plane with most of the parachutes. There is only 3 left.

On board is a priest, Stevie wonder, a cop and a young girl.

The cop assumes control of the situation and begins to hand out the parachute to those he views that de...

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donal Trump are on a plane.

Merkel finds $100 on the floor of the aircraft and says:
"I will throw the money out of the aircraft and make 1 person happy" Putin interrupts her, stating that if they split the $100 bill into 2 $50 bills they can make 2 people happy. Trump insists that they should throw 4 $25 bills and make 4 p...

Irish Vs. English

An English naval vessel is called to attention by an Irish Guard.

Irish: Aye, approaching vessel, I advise ye turn 15 degrees south to avoid a collision.

The English Captain replies: "Negative, sir. We advise you redirect 15 degrees north to avoid said collision."

Irish: I repea...

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Why did the Wright brothers turn their aircraft 90 degrees west when their dad walked in the cockpit?

because three Wrights make a left.

I was at an airport recently and there was a aircraft that was pure white.

Looked pretty plane to me.

A World War II Spitfire pilot is speaking in a church and reminiscing about his war experiences...

"In 1942, the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember one day, I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared!"

There were a few gasps from the parishioners and several of the children began to giggle.

"I loo...

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Heard this some 30-years ago in the Navy...

An Air Force General, Marine General, Army General and a Navy Admiral have a bet on which service has the most balls…



The Marine general grunts, “I’ll solve this right now!” calls for a company of Marines, pulls the pin on a grenade and tosses it in the middle shouting, “Grenade!” One...

Why do they like to watch Star Wars on the big screen on aircraft carriers?

They're all about force projection.

So North Korea's Kim Jong-Un executes it's defense chief with an anti-aircraft gun.

I bet he took a lot of flak for that.

What do you call a nautical plunderer who assists with the flight of an aircraft?

A co-pirate

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Two drunks were lost in the middle of the ocean

The pair had been adrift for six days in a life boat with no water or food, they hadn't seen any ships or aircraft, and worst of all they had completely run out of beer three days before, the two had nearly given up hope when suddenly they came across an ancient looking bottle, they pulled it out of...

A Navy man, a Army man and an Airforce man try to figure out who is the best soldier ...

Army man starts: "I once jumped out of an aircraft 30 feet above ground and ran 5 miles to our camp."

Navy man: "That's nothing. I once jumped out of an aircraft 60 feet above the ocean and swam 10 miles to our camp."

Airforce man: "I once flew an aircaft to our camp, landed it safely ...

Things are not always appear

A WOMAN was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane ...
Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney.
The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes..

Everybody got off the plane except ...

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What's common to the cockpit of a modern fighter aircraft and the inside of a headhunter's hut?

The heads-up display

Hunter...

Two hunters fly to Kenya, where they bag six gazelles. As the crew is loading the small plane to return, the pilot says the aircraft can take only four gazelles back.

“Last time, the pilot let us take all six, and he had the same plane as yours,” argues the first hunter.

Reluctantly, t...

A four-engine passenger jet experiences engine trouble...

...and the pilot comes on the intercom, saying, "Passengers, we apologize, but we have experienced an engine burn-out. The plane can still fly on the remaining three engines, but we'll be delayed in our arrival by two hours."

A few minutes later, the airplane shakes, and passengers see smoke ...

A class of aerospace engineers and their professor were all given free tickets to Hawaii.

Once on the plane, the captain announced they were flying the aircraft the students had assembled. Everyone immediately rushed off, except for the teacher who relaxed in his seat. The flight asked "Wow, you have that much faith in your students?" The teacher replied, "I know exactly what my students...

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"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking"

"Our aircraft has reached its designated altitude, you may now unfasten your seatbelts. Our flight attendants will be serving drinks in five minutes. The expected flight duration is four hours and ten minutes, our current speed is AAAAH, OH FUCK, NONONONONO, HOLY SHIT, OH MY GOD!!!"

The inter...

Helicopter Crash

A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly loses engine power and the aircraft begins to descend


The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed t...

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An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication

with a small twin engine aircraft.A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cell phone.

He yelled, "Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his...

A British ship is on a collision course and this is the following transcription with an Irish:

Irish: We need you to divert your course 15 degrees to the west to avoid collision.

British: No, you need to move your ship 15 degrees to the west to avoid collision. We’re not moving.

Irish: Negative. We’re gonna need you to divert your course to avoid a collision. Now!

British...

A pirate captain bought a parrot in a petshop...

Every time one of his subordinates got out of hand, he would make them walk the plank. And whenever this happened, everyone would chant "Make him walk the plank! Make him walk the plank!". Eventually the parrot picked this up and would start chanting it all the time. This got so annoying, the captai...

A group of engineering students and their teacher are sitting on a plane.

They are then informed that the plane that they were sitting on was the one they built and designed. The engineering students all fled the aircraft because they didn't trust their own work. However, the teacher remained seated. When asked why, he replied: " If I know these guys as well as I think I...

Honest Pilot

The aircraft I was flying in suddenly dropped out of the sky in heavy winds, glided just above the ocean surface skimming the water for a bit and eventually came to a stop on the surface.
The Captain was true to his word cos when we set off he said “ ......great weather today so it will be plai...

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An air force cadet enters flight academy during world war 2

He gets a perfect score on the written test on the first day and starts his flight training. He's so good he's doing loops and within the first week.

He graduates within a month with flying colors and is sent to the pacific and stationed on an aircraft carrier.

He shoots down 5 Japan...

I got called into Human Resources today because of a couple of incidents and was asked point blank, if I knew the difference between left and right wing. I told them to screw off, as my politics was my business! They still fired me though...

...turns out aircraft are really expensive to fix...

A very distinguished lady was on a plane

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favour?"

"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remov...

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A plane full of paratrooper recruits are doing their first jump.

The drill instructor throws everyone that doesn't jump on their own out of the aircraft personally. The second to last puts up a real fight, but the instructor manages to push him out. The last recruit nearly looses his shit laughing. The instructor turns around and asks: "Do you think this kind of ...

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A Co-Pilot's purpose...

Many years ago on a long Trans-Continental flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit. When she got up there, she found four crew.

She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the Navigator and his responsibilities were to keep the aircraft on its track acr...

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An American, a Frenchman, an Englishman, and a German are on a plane...

When the pilot comes back and says "I'm here to inform you that there is an issue with the engines and we need to jettison some weight in order to make it to the airport. So, one of you is going to have to jump."

They all look at each other before the German gets up, goes to the door and yell...

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Two Pilots

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and the engines ...

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An RAF pilot from WWII goes to a girls high school to share his experiences in the war

He said: "And there was a fucker behind me, to the left of me, to the right of me, fuckers everywhere!" The head mistress turned pale and said: "Ladies, the Fokker was a German aircraft." The veteran said: "That may be Madam, but these fuckers were in Messerschmidts"

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The Pilot and the Flight Attendant.

A Delta Airlines flight from LAX to JFK was in the cruise when the aircraft hit some heavy chop. The captain comes on the PA system to give the regular announcement for passengers to "please fasten their seatbelts and refrain from using the restrooms at this time", in the confusion of the situation ...

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A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately

To an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.
"Let me show you," says the captain.
He takes the recruit down to the...

Charlotte Bronte wrote a horror novel

Jane Scare.

Emily wrote one about aircraft turbulence:

Wuthering Flights.


(I do apologise for this)

Radio conversation in between a US Navy ship off the coast of England, and the British authorities.

BRITS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
BRITS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This...

A young first officer asks his Captain

A young first officer asks his Captain,
"Sir, why does not my ability evolve. I don't seem to be getting better at flying?"

And the Captain patiently answers: "Son, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seem like flames?"

"Yes, my sir, I have."

"...

Speak English

A Lufthansa airliner is parked at the gate at Munich airport. Its pilot requests something from the tower in German.

Tower responds in English, "If you'd like to say something, say it in English."

The Lufthansa pilot asks in English, "Tower, why do I, a German, flying a German aircraft...

Wanna hear a physics pun?

If an aircraft always takes off at an angle, doesn't that make it an inclined plane?

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Miss Jorgensen's 6th grade class was studying WW2...

So she invites Ollie Svensen, the only surviving veteran in their area to talk to them. He had been a fighter pilot, and described his fist battle as having "fuckers above shootin' me, fuckers below shootin' at me, fuckers everwhere shootin!"

As the class giggled, the teacher said, "Mr. Svens...

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Some great one-liners.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought. I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My neigh...

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A pilot steps out of the cockpit and speaks to the cabin through the PA

"Ladies and gentlemen I need a huge favor from you. My wife just called me that her mother is on her way through security and needs a last minute seat to come with me to Atlanta for a last minute event. She flies for free with my buddy passes. I see some of you are still trying to find a seat. This ...

Hans Grapje was raised

in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm.


 
Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplai...

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A Welsh Airways plane experiences technical trouble...

Welsh Airways pilots Dai and Rhodri are struggling to control their stricken aircraft as it plummets towards the ground. The aircraft is loaded with high value cargo, including a flock of award winning sheep.

Rhodri: "We're going to have to crash land somewhere!"

Dai: "But what about ...

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Is it too soon to joke about 9/11?

There's an urban legend amongst pilots from that day that goes something like this:

It's 9/11. All aircraft have been grounded and diverted to other airports. As news of the tragedy begins to spread, a somber mood permeates all flight crews as they whisper amongst themselves and discretely on...

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Lieutenant Mc Murphy was a Fighter Pilot

during WW II, but they would never let him fly because he would crash his aircraft, shoot down his own men or screw up the Mission.
One day the Captain called him to his office. He said " McMurphy all our Pilots have been shot down, you are the only Pilot left". " I am sending you on a suicide m...

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bad ass

A Marine Aviator lands on an Aircraft Carrier. He gets out of his aircraft and has a shoe box under his arm.
He goes down to the Mess Hall for lunch, looks around and says " I"m the baddest dude on this ship and I can prove it"!
He opens the shoe box and pulls out a snapping turtle. He pokes t...

One day Junior brings his Grandfather to school to share his stories as a Franco-American fighter pilot during WW2

His stories are wonderfully delightful and told with a thick French accent, while gesturing wildly using his hands to describe the movement of the airplanes.

“Zee fawkers fly like zees. Zen I fly like zees. Then zee fawkers fly back like zees, zen I pull up like zees. I shoots zee fawkers ri...

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A blonde a Catholic and a Boy Scout

So a blonde going on vacation, and a Boy Scout on his way to retreat with his father get on a small aircraft with the pilot who is an old and devout catholic.

The pilot sees the Boy Scout is shouldering a large pack and takes it from him, laying it near the door. They all take their seats an...

More changes to the military

The Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters in a separate private "OFF LIMITS" area on all aircraft carriers.

Addressing all ship personnel at Pearl, CINCPAC advised, "Female sleeping quarters will be "out-of-bounds" for all males.
Anyone caught breaking this rule will ...

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Ceasefire broken!

Once upon a time Sweden and Norway was at war, The war was getting pretty bad for both sides so they decided to have a ceasefire.

At the front line there were 2 watchtowers, 1 on each side of the border and there was one Norwegian and one Swedish solider on watch out duty on each side of th...

Crossword Puzzle Pope

A businessman is getting on a flight when he hears from another passenger that the Pope is going to be on the flight.

"WOW, great!" he thinks, being a devout Christian, "What a good place to be today."

Just before the aircraft doors are closed the Pope enters the plane and sits next to...

Show and Tell with Grandpa Olie

A boy has brought his Grandpa Olie into class, to tell about some of his experiences as a pilot in World War II.

"Well," the old man begins, "I remember this one time, I was flying on patrol, when this one Fokker surprises me from behind!"

A few of the kids in the class start to snicke...

The Captain of an American Airliner receives a message from a few miles ahead...

The Captain of an American Aircraft Carrier is sailing his ship through a deep fog, so much that he can barely see anything. They are moving slowly, and all crew members are instructed to be on high alert, ready to act at a moment's notice. Suddenly, he receives a call from something just a few mile...

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Airplane Confusion

My flight was delayed in Houston. Since the gate was needed for another flight, our aircraft was backed away from the terminal, and we were directed to a new gate. We all found the new gate, only to discover a third gate had been designated for our plane.

Finally, everyone got on board the ri...

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WWII fighter pilot speaks to the class...

When I was in sixth grade, on Veterans’ Day, they had an old RAF fighter pilot from WWII come in to speak to the class. He was a sweet little old man with white hair and it was hard to imagine him flying a fighter plane and shooting down enemy aircraft. But when he started to tell his stories his ey...

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