Two blind pilots enter a plane.

They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.

The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the pla...

Shortly after a British Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and

“OH MY GOD!”

Silence followed..... complete silence...

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front ...

Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....”

Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!”

Then silence.

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!”
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question about the city.

The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops the car inches before it crashes through the front of a store window. Both men sit completely silent until the driver turns and says, “Look man, don’t ever do that to me again. You scared the crap o...

A flight attendant walks up to a passenger and says, "Excuse me, would you like some headphones?"

Passenger smiles and replies, "How'd you know my name was Phones"?

A brunette is speeding in her car with her blonde friend passenger

The blonde in the passenger seat turns around and notices a police car behind them and quickly tells the driver.

"Damn it, does he have his lights on?" Asks the brunette.

The blonde turns back around and says

"Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no...."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did the prostitute say when the passenger beside her said he didn't have any cash but really wanted to join the mile high club?

"I don't give a flying fuck."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It is a cold, foggy night, and several passengers are in a bus, driving along little lanes through the countryside.

Suddenly, the bus swerves violently. The passengers are irritated. A young man who was woken up by the bus's swerving says: "What happened?"

"Mist," the bus driver says, dismissively.

The young man thinks that yes, it is harder to drive in fog, and falls back asleep thinking nothin...

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Lorena Bobbitt was driving down the road when she realized her husband’s penis was still in the passenger seat.

Upon realizing this, she tossed it out the window. Two stoners were in the car behind her when the penis hit their windshield and flew over the car. A few moments passed and then the passenger spoke up and said, “dude, did you see the dick on that bug?!?!”

Why didn't the trains at the station leave after the passengers boarded?

If they wanted to leave, they would have gone to the leavetion.

​

I apologize, it's a terrible joke. But I made it up on the spot and it caused my daughter to snort the bean sprout she was eating into her nose.

The captain of a cruise ship tells to the passengers and the crew..

- Dear ones, I have a good and a bad announcement to make.
Which one do you want to hear first?

- "The good one".

- We're going for 14 Oscars!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pilot says to the passengers, one engine has failed but don't worry this plane has four engines it will only add 20 minutes to the flight, then a second and third engine fail, Pilot says it's OK this plane can run on one engine and only adds 2 hours to the flight. Paddy says.

Fucking heck if the other engine fails, we could be up here forever.

When my girlfriend drives and I'm the passenger, I don't think she's a terrible driver...

I think, "At least we'll die together."

When I hit the brakes hard, my passengers looked excited..

The were on the edge of their seats.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A passenger airliner just landed at Glasgow airport...

...and after coming to a halt, the Pilot does his customary speech, but forgets to switch the intercom off.

The Co-pilot asks the Pilot what he has got planned for the rest of the evening, and the Pilot replies, "First up I am going for a shite and then I am gonnae ride the arse off that new...

A new driver was flying down the road with his friend in the passenger seat one night

His friend says, "Hey man, slow down! You're going way too fast."

"Don't worry. My brother taught me how to drive. It's late and the roads are pretty empty."

The young man then blows through a red light without even slowing down. "What the hell?!" his friend says, "This is not cool."...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A luxury airplane is flying over Europe, carrying five passengers: representatives from England, Japan, USA, Canada, and Russia.

The pilot emerges from the cockpit, interrupting their conversation. "Slowly but surely, we are falling. I will attempt to crash-land as smoothly as possible, but I urge you to jump out with a parachute."

After briefly explaining how to use the parachutes, the pilot goes back to the controls....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi...

heading for Midway airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.

For a few moments ev...

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On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers.

He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, “What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob.” All the...

So a plane is crashing with 4 passengers one is a pilot, a priest, a high schooler with a backpack, and a blonde. One tiny problem is there’s only 3 parachutes.

First the pilot jumps out, then the blonde. The priest turns to the high schooler and told him he had a wonderful life and had no regrets, please take the last parachute. The high schooler took one and pulled out another chute, the priest says by the lord how did you get a fourth? The high schooler ...

An airplane was about to crash. There were four passengers on board but only three parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me and I can't afford to die." So he took the first pack and jumped out of the plane.

The second passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected US president and I am ...

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My Lyft passenger told his friend why he needs to stop pushing religion on people.

His conversation went something like this:

"You just cant push Christianity on people, it doesnt work. Because at the end of the day, no matter how successful you are, they want to go on living their lives!"

"I dont know about that..."

"I mean for fuck sake, they say that Jesus ...

Einstein is on a train leaving New York.

He leans over to another passenger and asks, "excuse me, do you know if Boston stops at this train?"

Hear the one about the bald guy getting bumped to business class after passengers made fun of him?

Talk about the advantages of a reseating airline.

Three passengers are trapped with only two parachutes aboard a plane with a failing engine

They were Donald Trump, an old man, and a schoolgirl.

Donald Trump grabs a pack, saying; "Look, losers- I am the most intelligent, smartest president ever, okay? I have so many words, the best words- and anyway, you (pointing at the old man) look Mexican, and you, (pointing at the schoolgirl)...

I hope to die in my sleep, like my grandfather

Not screaming in terror, like his passengers

What did the ship's navigator say to the large land lizard passenger when they ask “When will we reach the Mediterranean leg of our North African boat tour.”?

After Nile Crocodile

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

45000 feet above the Atlantic, the aircraft engine fails

And the captain declares an emergency. Everyone aboard the plane are scared shitless. A passenger sitting next to the pastor loses it and screams, 'Don't just sit there, do something religious!'.

The pastor promptly took up a collection.....

A police officer was attending a car crash where the driver and passengers had been killed.

As he looked at the wreckage a little monkey came out of the bushes and jumped around the crashed cars.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked ...

A plane takes off with two hours delay. Once in the air a passenger asks the flight attendant:

"why did we take off so late?"

To which the flight attendant replies:

"well the pilot noticed some smoke and weird noises coming from the left engine and it took us a while to find another pilot willing to fly this plane."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A taxi driver picks up a woman from the airport who sits in the back as a passenger

The woman wanted to ask a question so she leans forward and taps the driver’s shoulder to get his attention.

The driver gets startled so bad that he loses control of the cab, nearly hits a bus, swerves to barely dodge a light pole and finally halts near a glass bus stand.

The woman an...

During WW2 a German soldier based in France is proceeding home on leave in a fully loaded passenger train

He shares a compartment with a decrepit lady, a beautiful young French woman, and a young Frenchman. The train enters a tunnel, and no one can see anything.

A kiss is heard, then a hollow slap. When the train comes out of the tunnel, the German has a horrible black eye.

'So unlucky' th...

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A pilot forgets his mic open

And goes: "Oh man, I'm gonna take a huge shit and bang that hostess."

Everybody hears it. The hostess runs to the cockpit to warn the pilot about the mic, chucks down. A passenger says: "Don't rush sweetie, he's gonna take a huge shit first."

A guy in a plane stood up and shouted "HIJACK"

All of the passengers were scared. Then from the other end of the plane, a guy shouted back "HIJOHN"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did the taxi driver say when they found out the passenger pissed on the floor?

Urine trouble now

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces

"If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

A kinky passenger grinningly exposed himself to a stewardess as he boarded the plane.

"I'm sorry," said the woman, "but you'll have to show me your ticket, not your stub."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Pilot and the Flight Attendant.

A Delta Airlines flight from LAX to JFK was in the cruise when the aircraft hit some heavy chop. The captain comes on the PA system to give the regular announcement for passengers to "please fasten their seatbelts and refrain from using the restrooms at this time", in the confusion of the situation ...

A tourist bus crashes and all the passengers die.

The crowd of recently deceased is gathered at the pearly gates. St. Peter comes out and says: "OK. I want you to form three lines. One for the women, one for the men who were always bossed around by their wives, and the last for men who were the boss of their household."

People shuffle around...

What are the options?

Air Hostess to passenger:
"Sir would you like to have dinner?"

Passenger: "What are the options?"

Air Hostess: "Yes and No."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.

The driver then started to head to the location designated by the passenger. A few minutes had passed and the whole trip had been quiet ever since. The radio wasn't even turned on.

The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence.

"Hey, ma...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An aircraft bound for Florida with two hundred and forty passengers on board ran into some engine problem....

The plane was sure to crash so the pilot alerted all the crew members about this sad state of affairs and told them all to get hold of a parachute each and jump off the plane.


A young steward asked the captain, “What about the passengers, sir?”


“Fuck the passengers!” the captai...

Three men were passengers on an airplane

The first one opens the door as the plane is flying high over the ground and jumps out with his parachute, but not before throwing a knife out the door first. He screams on his way down “I’m doing this for my country!”

The second man, not to be outdone by the first, throws a loaded pistol out...

A ship with 66 passengers sets off, however during the sail it flips over, there are no survivors but how many people died?

99

A plane loses power at 22,000ft, and all the passengers start to freak out. A woman yells "I can't die like this, will no man here come and make me feel like a woman?"

A man gets off his seat, rips off his shirt and says "Here




Iron this"

Airline passenger safety brief

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from above. If you're traveling with a child, please fit their mask first. If you have more than 1 child with you, please pick your favorite now.

A train conductor is making an announcement to his passengers...

“Thank you for riding Amtrak today and I hope you’re having a great trip so far. In the unlikely event of an emergency, please follow the stewards and stewardesses who will be walking up and down the aisles... if they’re running then you should probably run too.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Blind pilots

A plane is preparing for takeoff with a full load of passengers when the pilot and copilot board--both with dark sunglasses and tapping walking sticks for guidance. The passengers are understandably uncomfortable, but assume it must be some sort of practical joke, so they say nothing.

As the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A NYC cab driver is en route to pick up a passenger at the stock exchange

On his way, he keeps door-checking stock traders as he goes by, laughing his ass off.

As he pulls up, he notices his customer is a priest, so he internally curses - he can't keep hitting stock brokers while he's got a man of God in the car with him.

They exchange pleasantries and leave...

You're just like Brian...

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things ha...

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Airplane passengers watch nervously

As two men wearing pilots' uniforms and dark glasses use canes to feel their way into the cockpit.

 

The plane starts barreling down the runway, and the passengers begin to get scared as the water at the end of the airstrip nears. With only a few yards left, everyone screams,...

What do you call a snake who makes a living building passenger airplanes?

A Boeing constructor.

An American, a Chinese, a Russian, a German and a Syrian passenger are on a train...

The American starts to toss legal documents out the train's window.

The German asks, "Vy are you doing zat?"

The American replies, "We have too much of these."

---

Then the Chinese begins throwing rice out the window.

The German asks, "Vy are you doing zat now?"...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"

The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you thi...

Why did the Mexican train driver kill all of his passengers?

I'm not sure, but he must have had a loco motive.

[Long] A passenger plane is flying through the Himalayas

A passenger plane is flying through the Himalayas. Suddenly, a giant mountain appears. It does not seem like that the plane is able to fly over the mountain.

The pilot says: "Dear passengers, please stay calm. Due to exceeding our weight limit, our plane is not flying at our desired altitude....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two blind pilots

Can't remember where I heard this - it was ages ago and it changes every time I say it...

Two blind pilots were greeting passengers at the door with their guide dogs. The passengers where quite worried about blind pilots flying a plane and were staring down the aisle as they settled in their ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two friends are driving along the road

When they see a goat with its head stuck in a fence. They pull over, and the driver gets out, goes over to goat pulls down his pants and fucks the goat. When he is done he gets back in the car and the passenger turns to him and says "you know, that actually looks like a lot of fun." The drive tells ...

An airplane takes off, and suddenly one of the passengers grabs his chest

The passenger grunts and moans in pain, as he starts to shake violently and falls to the floor. One of the flight attendants rushes to him and screams:

"HELP! He is having a heart attack or a seizure! Is there a doctor on plane?! He is going to die!"

People look around, looking for so...

In 1996 a stunt went wrong when a Fiat car containing 4 people being carried in a military plane fell out of the plane, falling 10,000 miles to the ground and crashing. All four passengers survived, but how?

Because no one would be caught dead in a Fiat

A flight from Dublin to Boston

Shortly after I took off on an Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston a few weeks ago, the air hostess nervously announced that the catering department had made a terrible mistake. A big mix up she said. Although 226 passengers were on board they received only 80 dinners. She apologised, but said t...

A massive rabbit aboard a United Airlines flight turns to the passenger sitting next to him and says

"Ehhh, what's up Doc?"

Authorities have released the name of the United passenger from yesterday's incident

Soo Yoo

That United passenger got the last laugh

He didn't leave his seat in the upright position

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There were two men in a car going way over the speed limit...

A cop caught up with them and pulled them over. He walked up to the driver side window and asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

The driver decided to play dumb and replied, "Gee, I was too busy concentrating on the road to check."

The cop, not in the mood for any attitude, ...

Cop pulls over a car for driving too slow

Cop walks up to the car & sees an elderly woman behind the wheel.

Cop: *Excuse me ma'am, can you tell me why you were driving so slow on the highway?*

Driver: *Officer, I was only going the speed limit. There was a sign back a half mile that said the it was 14mph.*

Cop: *...

A police officer stops a speeding car and walks up to the driver

"Do you know you were going 20 km/h over the speed limit ?"

The guy respond : "How am I supposed to know ? I don't have a license".

His wife, sitting on the passenger seat, interjects : "Don't listen to him, he's drunk."

Their kid, on the backseat, sighs "I knew we weren't goin...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pilot briefs his passengers on a long international flight

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We would like on behalf of all our crew welcome you aboard American Airlines on a flight from Los Angeles to Sydney. We will be cruising at the altitude of 30,000 feet and will reach our destinations in 16 hours. Please relax and enjoy your fligh...

A Highway Patrol Officer pulled over a little old lady for going 10mph on the highway.

As he walked up to old lady’s car he noticed there were 3 other elderly folks looking very frightened and rigid.

He leaned down to the old lady’s window and noticed she was as calm as could be.

“Do you know why I pulled you over, ma’am?”

“No I do not,” she replied sweetly. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop distur...

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"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking"

"Our aircraft has reached its designated altitude, you may now unfasten your seatbelts. Our flight attendants will be serving drinks in five minutes. The expected flight duration is four hours and ten minutes, our current speed is AAAAH, OH FUCK, NONONONONO, HOLY SHIT, OH MY GOD!!!"

The inter...

My marriage is like Drivers Ed

Where my wife is in the driving seat and I am in the passenger seat with a training wheel which does not really do anything.

A police officer is patrolling a 60mph highway when he sees a car driving 20mph.

He pulls the car over and walks up to the window to find a car with 4 old ladies.

The officer asks, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

The lady in the driver's seat says "What's the matter officer? I was going exactly 25 miles an hour."

"Well it's a 60 mile an hour highway...

President Obama goes to visit the Queen of England.

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama is warmly welcomed by the Queen. They are driven in a car to the edge of central London, where they get into a magnificent seventeenth-century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on toward Buckingham Palace and wave to the...

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As a plane flies over the Atlantic an engine bursts...

The pilot gets on the intercom and says "Attention Passengers, please stay calm. We appear to be having minor engine problems, and in order to assure a safe, non-water landing, we have to ditch all non necessary weight"

So all the plane's drink carts and excess cargo and such is dumped, and t...

A plane full of teachers

One day some teachers are told to board in a plane. After they got in, the passengers(teachers) are being told that the plane they are in was made by their students, immediately all of the teachers leave the plane except one. He gets asked:
Why did you not choose to leave the plane?
Teacher: ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a bunch of passengers are boarding a plane to Los Angeles...

...when the captain and first officer come on board. Each is wearing thick sunglasses and carrying a walking stick, which they use to feel their way through the cabin towards the cockpit, tripping and stumbling as they go. Many passengers are understandably quite nervous, but several awkward laugh...