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Passenger Jokes

400 passengers but only 200 meals were loaded onto a flight from Delhi to New York City (long)

It was only discovered after take off, when the flight attendants started going through their preparations for the meals. So, the airline had bungled, and the crew was in a fix. However, one smart flight attendant had an idea.

A couple of hours into the flight she nervously announced, 'Ladie...

Guy and a penguin pull up to a gas station, guy walks into the gas station…

Gas station cashier: ‘Woah dood, why ya gotta penguin in your car?!’

The guy: ‘he wont stop following me around… I don’t know what to do with him.’

Gas station cashier: ‘Bruh!! Take him to the zoo!’

The guy: ‘Great idea! The ZOO! I hadn’t thought of that, thank you!’

*ONE...

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window. 

For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"

The p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A taxi passenger taps his driver on the shoulder...

The driver absolutely shits himself in panic, swerves, misses two people, mounts the pavement and parks inches from a shop window.

"Fuck me!" says the passenger, "you're jumpy, aren't you? I only tapped you on the shoulder!"


"Sorry about that" replies the driver. "It's my first ...

Stewardess: "Are there any doctors among our passengers?"

A man stood up and followed the stewardess.

··· After several minutes.

Stewardess: "Are there any pilots among our passengers?"

After a long flight, the Captain comes onto the PA to address the passengers

I've got good news and bad news...the bad news we are completely lost and had just enough fuel to get to the destination. The good news we are almost out of gas so we should be getting close.

A blind pilot walks into a plane waving his walking stick

The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,

"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."

Next the co-pi...

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A pilot accidentally left on the intercom and was heard saying, "I could really use a coffee and a blowjob"

A stewardess quickly ran towards the cockpit, and a passenger yelled out, "you forgot the coffee!"

Eta: Looks like Good Will Hunting made this joke popular.

The flight wasn't carrying enough meals for all passengers.

Airborne less than 30 minutes on an outbound evening flight, the "A" stew-lead flight attendant-for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement:

Ladies and gentleman, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible last minute error by our airport catering...

Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Driver: damn good point *turns off headlights*

Passenger: what are you doing it’s dark

Driver: chill the other cars have them on

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An Airbus 380 is flying across the Atlantic

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a jet fighter appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now ...

Two nuns are on a motorcar trip through Europe, and end up in Transylvania.

While stopped at a traffic signal, a tiny Dracula jumps up on the hood of their vehicle and hisses through the windshield.


“What should we do?” shrieks one nun as she panics and reaches for her Rosary beads..


“Turn on the wipers! That will get rid of the abomination, Sister,” s...

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Blind Pilots

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.


Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and th...

There are four people in an airplane.

They are as follows:

\- The pilot (Obviously)

\- The president of the USA

\- The world's smartest man

\- A student from a local school.



Suddenly, an alarm sounds. The pilot runs into the passenger cabin and says:

"I don't want to alarm you, but there...

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An angry passenger pushed his way to the desk

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The ...

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Watched Good Will Hunting Recently and heard this.

So a plane is about to take off, and the first pilot does his typical announcements like "We'll be travelling at 35000 feet at a speed of...", you know, the whole routine. However, he forgets to turn off the microphone, so after the message, all the passengers hear him say to the co-pilot "You know ...

A passenger was travelling on holiday on a budget airline.

“Would you like dinner?” the cabin crew asked.

“What are my choices?”

“Yes or no.”

When I went to the toilet, I left the door open so I could keep watching the movie.

The other passengers on the plane were slightly irritated.

Border guard asks the passenger:

-Nationality?

- Russian

-occupation?

- no, just a visit.

A passenger brings his pet hawk onto the plane.

The flight attendant stops him and says he can’t bring that on this flight.

Passenger informs the flight attendant he has a permit, a ticket and permission from the airline to bring the bird.

The flight attendant says “No, not the bird, I mean that bag with two dead mice.”

Passe...

Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....” Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!” Then silence...

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!”
r>A voice from the back of the plane yelled, “Why don’t you come here and see ours?”

What do you call an unruly, unreasonable passenger at Las Vegas International Airport?

A McKaren.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a cruise ship where the crew won’t stop masturbating in front of passengers?

A tugboat

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On Christmas afternoon, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "W...

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A priest dies and goes to Heaven

As he’s waiting for his turn at the pearly gates, he notices a sign saying that each individual’s experience in eternity will depend on how they have impacted people’s lives on Earth. This sight pleases him as his occupation is highly regarded in the Christian faith, so the pinnacle of heavenly blis...

A plane suddenly loses one of its engines

“This is your Captain speaking. I’m afraid we have lost one of our engines so we’ll be about 10 minutes late arriving at our destination,” announces the Captain.

“Oh no!” Says a passenger. Then suddenly, another engine fails.
“This is your Captain speaking. I’m afraid we have lost another...

Two blondes were driving down the road...

The blonde driver looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working. So the blonde looks out the window and says, ''Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.''

Intercom

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is g...

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Rough landing

After a particularly rough, bumpy landing, a pilot made the usual announcement to passengers as they taxied to the terminal, then forgot to turn the mike off. The entire plane heard him say, "After a landing like that I really need a hot coffee and a blow job." As a female flight attendant raced up...

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.



The 1st passenger said, 'I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, 'I am the newly-elected US President, and I am the...

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A passenger has just boarded a plane to moscow.

After the boarding process was complete, the plane started to wobble, then a few minutes later the stewardess started to remove a passenger from the plane one by one before moving them back to their seat.

Suddenly , the final passenger was removed from the plane and the plane started to move ...

An accordion player is getting sleepy at the wheel of his '93 Geo Metro hatchback, on his way home from playing at a bar mitzvah. His accordion lays on the passenger seat next to him...

... The accordion player decides to pull over at a small pub with a sign reading "$1 Beer Night." He takes some change out of his car's cup holder -- enough for a couple $1 beers.

Inside, he stacks his change on the bar (mostly nickels and pennies) and pretends not to notice the bartender's e...

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Students training to be police officers were given the following difficult examination question.

**A student training to be police officer was given the following difficult examination question:**

>"You're on street patrol when an explosion occurs on a nearby road. You investigate and discover an overturned van besides a large crater. Both occupants of the van are injured, and smell ...

I was cleaning out my elderly neighbour's back garden yesterday when I came across a lamp.

I rubbed the side to give it a clean, and a genie appeared in a puff of smoke

"I'll grant you any wish for releasing me from the lamp!" he boomed.

I looked up and noticed a passenger jet in the sky. In need of a holiday, I said "I wish I was on that plane."

With a whoosh, my wis...

A passenger at an airport in New York was at the counter

-I'm going California for business, I want to go to Los Angeles, I want to send the big suitcase in my right hand to San Francisco and the smaller suitcase on ground to San Diego.

-Excuse me sir, but I'm afraid that's not possible, we can't do that.

-Great then, because that's what you...

A policeman stops a car that is going very slowly on the I40 highway, and says to the driver "Why are you going so slow? You're holding up traffic!"

"Well," says the man, "the signs say I40."

"That's the road number," says the policeman, "not the speed limit."

Then he notices a woman in the back seat, trembling all over. "Is your passenger all right, sir?" he asks.

"Don't worry officer," says the man, "my wife is always lik...

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A family of four are riding down the highway in the family car….

Dad is driving, Mom is in the front passenger seat, boy and girl are in the back seat. When all of a sudden a BIG purple dildo flies up and smacks the windshield and flies right over the top of the car. Dad looks at Mom, Mom looks at Dad, neither know what to say, then Mom tries to play it off and s...

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Scream

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be bl...

An airplane joke

The pilot comes on the speaker

Pilot: "Now that we are in the air I figured I'd lighten it up with a joke. Knock knock"

Passengers "Whose there?"

Pilot: "Superman"

Passengers: "Superman who?"

Pilot: "You're at forty thousand feet, it's either me, or a really unluck...

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!"

The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?" The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?" The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the drive...

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.

She removes all her clothing and asks : Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says,

Here, iron this!!

Wish

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, Why'd you do that? The trooper says, You're in...

A plane is sitting at the terminal and is supposed to leave shortly

Departure seems to be taking ages, and the passengers are growing restless. Eventually a staff member says on the PA system:

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay to your journey today. During preflight checks the pilot wasn't happy with the noise coming from the left engine, so w...

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Jesse James was robbing a passenger train

Jesse James was robbing a passenger train.

He takes up all the money and says "I'm robbing this train. I'm gonna fuck all the men."

This lady got up and said "Mister Jesse James, you mean all the women!"

And there's this punk on there and he got up and said "Hey lady, who's r...

Logic

Three professors of logic get on a train in Scotland and take a seat. They look out the window and see a black sheep. One of them says: "I didn't know Scotland had black sheep". The second one says, rather pedantically, "You only know Scotland has at least one black sheep." The third one chimes in, ...

A blonde, a brunette and a red head are driving in a truck.

On one cold icy day a blonde, brunette and a red head decide to take a drive.

The brunette as the best driver in icy conditions decides to drive. The red head decides to ride passenger because she keeps the best eye out. The blonde decides to ride in the bed of the truck because she’s dress...

Taxiing down the tarmac, the 767 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After a hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"

*"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."*

A bus drives up to a bus stop

Waiting at the stop are several people, and (though nobody seems to notice) a mallard.

The people all get onto the bus, and the mallard gets on too. Much to the surprise of the passengers, the conductor lets it on.

A couple of stops later, some passengers get off and a canvasback gets ...

A truck carrying synonym dictionaries has had an accident on the highway.

From the other cars, the passengers were shocked, tormented, amazed, incredulous, confused, paralyzed, stunned, bewildered, perplexed, amazed, dumbfounded, dumbstruck.

A passenger, in panic, asked if the airplane was going the right way

To which Yoda responded, “off course, we are.”

A passenger airplane is flying over the ocean

When all of a sudden the plane experiences a violent jolt. The captain comes over the speaker and says "We have experienced engine failure, and unfortunately, there is nothing we can do. The plane is going down."

While the passengers are contemplating certain death, a woman stands up, rips o...

A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly.

“Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?” 

“I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.”

Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, take...

Passenger asked a flight attended “How often do planes crash?”

Flight attended “Just once.”

A luxury boat sank and a passenger was holding on to a floating piano...

All of a sudden, someone floats by sitting atop a floating cello and asks: “ May I accompany you?”

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All-Female Crew As the aircraft was taxiing towards the runway to take off, the voice on the speaker welcomed passengers on board and introduced them to the pilot.

"Your captain is Miss Mary Joystick...."

"You mean to tell me this plane is being piloted by a woman?"asked an alarmed passenger to a stewardess."

"Yes, sir," replied the stewardess. "So is the co-pilot, Miss Jane Understudy. So also are the radio operator and the navigator, they are a...

The daddest of my dad's dad jokes

Seriously, this is his favorite one:

A cop pulls over a man who appears to be chauffeuring a penguin in a limousine.

"Sir," barks the cop, "Is that a penguin you're driving around?"

"Yes it is," the driver responds cheerfully. "Is there a problem?"

"Of course there is! Th...

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two italians

Two Italians were talking on the bus. One of them says to the other, “Emma comes first, then I come, then two asses they come together, then I come again, then two asses come together once again, then I come again, pee twice, then I come one last’a time.”

Another passenger responds with, “Wel...

A passenger in a taxi was freaking out because the driver was going way past the speed limit and taking sharp turns, barely missing cars in traffic and almost running three red lights. "Just close your eyes" The driver said.

"Trust me it helps, that's what I do"

Power of Christ

Heard this one earlier and thought it was pretty good. I think it’s probably a repost so I’m sorry.

A priest was driving along a road a bit rashly while drunk. He’s got the bottle in the passenger seat. Eventually, a cop tails him and pulls him over.

Cop: “Hey Father, how’s it going?”<...

The priest and the sinking ship

A ship is sinking and the passengers are rushing to rescue boats to leave the shipwreck. On the ship there is a priest who refuses to get on the boats.



The lifeguard says "get on the boat priest, we have to go".


The priest says "No, god will save me, give my seat to someone...

A priest passes away and goes to heaven…

He arrives at St Peter’s gate and joins the back of the queue.

Shorty after, Bob the bus driver passes away. St Peter sees Bob and waves at him - “Bob! Come on over! Please go through you’re very welcome and please enjoy heaven you deserve it!”

The priest is flabbergasted and confused....

A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Russian, and a Ukrainian are on a a plan when the plane's engines fail and it starts to go down.

The pilot grabs one of the parachutes and jumps from the plane. The remaining passengers see that there is only one chute left, and quickly do the math.

The Englishman stands up, straightens his tie, says "God save the Queen!" and jumps from the plane.

The Frenchman, not wanting to b...

A man is sitting on a train with a baby, who is very ugly.

In fact, the baby is so ugly that a nearby passenger says,

“What a hideous baby.”

“I’ve never been so insulted in my whole life,” the man says, and

hurries to the train conductor to complain.

“I’m so sorry, sir,” the train conductor says, when the man tells her
he wa...

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A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer

The driver then started to head to the location designated by the passenger. A few minutes had passed and the whole trip had been quiet ever since. The radio wasn't even turned on.

The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence.

"Hey, ma...

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A taxi driver goes home after a very long shift.

On his way home he sees a very drunk man that can’t even stay on his feet. “Can’t let that poor guy go home alona like this” he puts him in the passenger sit, asks him where he lives and starts driving to his house while the drunk guy sleeps. On their way there the taxi driver sees a women who’s hot...

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The passenger and the nun (old, but gold)

A man gets onto a city bus and sees an attractive nun. Aroused, he wishes to have sex with her, he goes up and asks, "Will you have sex with me?"

"Of course not!" the nun said unnervingly and got off the bus.

Before the depressed man left the bus, the bus driver stops him and says, "I...

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A luxury airplane is flying over Europe, carrying five passengers: representatives from England, Japan, USA, Canada, and Russia.

The pilot emerges from the cockpit, interrupting their conversation. "Slowly but surely, we are falling. I will attempt to crash-land as smoothly as possible, but I urge you to jump out with a parachute."

After briefly explaining how to use the parachutes, the pilot goes back to the controls....

Two blondes were passengers on a four-engine plane...

Suddenly, one of the engines quit and the pilot announced that the plane would now be fifteen minutes late.

A short time later, another engine quit. The pilot announced they would be thirty minutes late.

Then the third engine quit and the pilot announced that they would be one hour la...

A trooper pulls over a priest and immediately smells alcohol on his breath. The next thing he notices is an empty wine bottle on the passenger seat. "Have you been drinking?" the trooper asks. "Just water!", the priest replies. "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and shouts, "Praise the Lord, He's done it again!"

A British Airways plane...

Makes a crash landing in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean

Somehow everyone survives, and the pilot comes over the speaker system... Ladies and Gentlemen, please listen to my instructions very carefully, those who can swim I want you out on the left wing, those who cant swim, I want you out on...

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"What'd he say???"

An older gentleman pulled into a country gas station while on a road trip with his wife. He got out and proceeded to fill the car with gasoline.

A local was filling up at the adjoining pump. "Nice day today."

"Yes it is," replied the old timer.

His wife, sitting in the passe...

A kinky passenger grinningly exposed himself to a stewardess as he boarded the plane.

"I'm sorry," said the woman, "but you'll have to show me your ticket, not your stub."

A ship was sinking...

The captain of the ship gathers all passengers on deck and asks the crowd: "Does anyone here know how to say prayers".

A priest steps forward: "I can" he says with some pride in his voice. "Actually, I used to say the best prayers in the monastery, and they would be answered by God too" he co...

Landmark

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system."Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The story of an unlucky man

Once upon a time, there lived an unlucky man. He was so unlucky that he was born with 1 testicle. One day, he got into a plane flight and the plane started falling. It was announced that someone needed to jump in order to save the plane and its other passengers. They did some voting and the unlucky ...

The airlines are stopping passengers from bringing most emotional support animals on flights. Today, they told me my support duck could not board the plane. I need it to help me cope with anxiety.

It's a quack down.

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself: “I must be losing it, I could have sw...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers.

He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, “What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob.” All the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the airline stewardess say to the passenger who whispered in her ear that his last dying wish was to join the mile high club? (NSFW)

"I don't give a flying fuck!"

A husband is driving a car, while his wife is in the passenger seat

Husband puts on the indicator and asks the wife to check whether it is working.

She puts her head out and says : YES... NO... YES... NO... YES... NO...

A madhouse was to be demolished.

All the interns were to be transported to a new mental asylum. So they loaded a truck with all the patients that reside there, as well as some of the psychiatric staff to maintain the order, but in the middle of the way to the madmen's new home, there was a violent accident that resulted in the cras...

On a flight from Dublin, Ireland to Boston, the chief flight attendant made an announcement...

"Due to a terrible mistake by the airline's caterer, there are only 80 dinners instead of the 225 required to feed all the passengers on board. To fix the situation, we are offering unlimited drinks to anybody who is willing to give up their meal".

Two hours before landing, another announce...

A new driver was flying down the road with his friend in the passenger seat one night

His friend says, "Hey man, slow down! You're going way too fast."

"Don't worry. My brother taught me how to drive. It's late and the roads are pretty empty."

The young man then blows through a red light without even slowing down. "What the hell?!" his friend says, "This is not cool."...

An Uber is cruising down a boulevard when it runs a red light.

“Hey!” the passenger shouts. “Be careful!”

“Don’t worry,” says the driver. “My brother does it all the time.”

He barrels through the next red light, and the passenger screams, “Stop doing that!”

“I’m telling you, my brother does this all the time.”

They approach the next ...

A female airline stewardess askes a passenger

A female airline stewardess askes a passenger if he would like some headphones

The man turns to her and says, "Why yes, but how did you know my name was Phones?"

A police officer is sitting in his cruiser watching for speeding cars.

He sees a car puttering along at 10 km/hr and thinks "this car is almost as dangerous as a speeder" and pulls them over.

As he walks up to the car and little of lady driving rolls down the window and asks "is there something wrong officer?"

"Well, yes" says the cop "why are you driving...

A concerned airplane passenger asked me if I heard about bird strikes.

I honestly didn’t think they could carry signs.

A banker, a blacksmith, and a demolitions expert are all on a small plane.

The engine on the plane starts to fail and the pilot says to the three passengers on board
“Throw your least important belongings over the plane so that we can lighten the load on the engine”

The banker decides that his pennies weigh the most and have the least value so he throws all of th...

What passengers were happy that the Titanic sank?

The lobsters in the kitchen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I feel the most at peace when I sleep in the nude

The rest of the passengers on the plane felt different

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When Lorena Bobbitt famously cut off her husbands wiener and drove across town with it, she decided to throw it out the car window and when she did it hit the windshield of the car behind her with 2 old ladies in it, the driver said “what kind of bug was that!?” and the passenger said,..

“I don’t know but did you see the dick on that thing?!”

To cut costs even more certain airlines will now only serve snacks to passengers on the left side of the plane.

Their justification is the passengers sitting on the right side are already F-E-D.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The airplane is already full, passengers seated, but the cockpit is empty

Suddenly the rear door of the plane opens, and the two pilots make their way in - one is using a blind man cane, the other a guide dog. Slowly they make their way forward through the aisle in the general laughter of the passengers.

But the laughter dies down as the pilots enter the cockpit an...

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did in his sleep.

Not like all the screaming passengers in his school bus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving a taxi in New York City and his passenger taps him on the shoulder and he almost crashes

She tells him, "I'm sorry I didn't mean to scare you." He says, "Don't worry about it this is my first day as a taxi driver." She asks him,"How long have you lived in New York?" He responds with saying, "My whole life but I've been driving a Hearse for 25 years."

What do you call a passenger train made out of sweet potatoes?

A Yamtrack.

A nervous passenger decided to purchase flight insurance at the ticket counter. She had some time before the flights departure, so she stopped in a Chinese restaurant in the concourse.

She started to shake as she read her fortune cookie:

today’s investment will pay big dividends!”

Hear the one about the bald guy getting bumped to business class after passengers made fun of him?

Talk about the advantages of a reseating airline.

There was a bus with 4 seats.

(Sorry for the poor construction of the joke. English is not my first language)

The conductor came in and began checking the tickets of the passengers.

He approached the lady sitting in the first seat. She didn't have a ticket. The conductor fined her 20$ even though the ticket cost 4...

Steve and the other passengers had to solve a number of clues in order to figure out where the ship they boarded was headed that day. Which cruise were they on?

Blue's Cruise

A taxi driver usually picked up his passengers from red light districts (area of escort houses and prostitution).

One day while waiting for passenger, a completely naked girl with no single piece of cloth on her body gets inside the cab at mid night. The girl says to the driver, "Take me to this .... address please". The driver turns back and looks at the girl top to bottom curiously. The girl asks," Is somethi...

A four-engine passenger jet experiences engine trouble...

...and the pilot comes on the intercom, saying, "Passengers, we apologize, but we have experienced an engine burn-out. The plane can still fly on the remaining three engines, but we'll be delayed in our arrival by two hours."

A few minutes later, the airplane shakes, and passengers see smoke ...

'What kind of work do you do?' a woman passenger enquired of the man travelling in her train compartment. 'I'm a Naval surgeon,' he replies.

My word!' spluttered the woman, 'How you doctors specialise these days.'

An American, a Chinese, a Russian, a German and a Syrian passenger are on a train...

The American starts to toss legal documents out the train's window.

The German asks, "Vy are you doing zat?"

The American replies, "We have too much of these."

---

Then the Chinese begins throwing rice out the window.

The German asks, "Vy are you doing zat now?"...

If Trump were captain of the RMs Titanic

Captain Trump of the RMS Titanic:

There isn't any iceberg.
There was an iceberg but it's in a totally different ocean.
The iceberg is in this ocean but it will melt very soon.
There is an iceberg but we didn't hit the iceberg.
We hit the iceberg, but the damage will be ...

In a bus packed with passengers, a woman and a man stood glued together and the driver was constantly hitting the brakes!

Woman: You have something that's poking me.

Man: Oh sorry, that's my salary money in the pocket of my pants.

Woman: Your salary has increased a lot in the last five minutes.

Woman with kid on a bus

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus d...

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There was a very, very unlucky man with a single testicle.

One day, he went on a plane. Unfortunately, a malfunction occurred. The flight crew announced that the plane was going down and one of the passengers had to be thrown out to reduce weight.

To determine the victim, passengers drew lots, and the unlucky man was chosen. He refused furiously, say...

Olie gets pulled over for speeding through town with a pig in the passenger seat.

So Olie gets pulled over by an officer of the law for running 100 mph through the middle of town with a pig in the passenger seat. The officer says "What in the world are you doing Olie? What's the hurry?" He says, "I"m just a trying to get dis here pig back to the farmer whose truck dis pig fell...

As the airliner was preparing to land in Madrid in a rainstorm, an English passenger seemed noticeably afraid. "What's the problem, fellow?" asked his seat mate.

"Surely," said the Englishman, "you've heard the saying, 'The planes in Spain fall mainly in the rains!!'"

What did the titanic say as it was sinking...

I nominate all passengers for the ice bucket challenge.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A taxi driver is driving a passenger

With radio blaring local news. The passenger asked the driver to turn down the radio. After minutes of no response, the passenger got impatient and tapped the driver’s shoulder.

Suddenly the taxi swerved to the left, narrowly missing a car and skidding uncontrollably towards a newsstand, and ...

Why did the Mexican train driver kill all of his passengers?

I'm not sure, but he must have had a loco motive.

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Airplane passenger strikes up a conversation

Someone posted this and thought it was hilarious..
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to r...

A man on a train gets up and moves to the doors..

..a conductor notices and says "Sorry sir, this train doesn't stop at the next station on a Sunday night." Seeing how disappointed he is, the conductor says "It does slow down going through the station though, perhaps there is a way I could help you if you like."

So as the train slows down th...

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A taxi driver picks up a woman from the airport who sits in the back as a passenger

The woman wanted to ask a question so she leans forward and taps the driver’s shoulder to get his attention.

The driver gets startled so bad that he loses control of the cab, nearly hits a bus, swerves to barely dodge a light pole and finally halts near a glass bus stand.

The woman an...

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Everyone needs a reliable DD

A man pulls out of the parking lot of a busy Bar at closing time, he begins to swerve and drive eratic. The officer that was parked across the street turned his lights on and pulls him over.. At this time more cars began to leave and everyone who passed honked and waved. The officer paid it no atte...

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A man buys a second hand car

A man buys a second hand car. It's an old, run down Datsun.
The man buys the car, but as he's driving home it breaks down. When he lifts the hood, he notices that there's a cog missing.

He calls a mechanic, but he tells the man that Datsun had run out of business years ago, and that he wo...

A Lebanese taxi driver is burning through every red light when his terrified passenger speaks up...

"Aren't you afraid someone will crash into us?"

"Nah. Everyone in town knows me and they won't dare to cross their lights without checking for me."

Finally, he reaches a light which turns green. He suddenly stops.

The passenger asks him "I understand about the red light. Why sto...

Useless

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an ...

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