UPJOKE
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A lorry carrying 300kg of strawberries crashed into a lorry carrying 50kg of sugar.

Instead of helping clear up the accident cars drove through the mess and the jam was getting thicker!

Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.

Paddy said, 'I gonna do that when I win da lottery.'

'What's dat,' says his mate.

'Send me lawn away to be cut.'

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I had a lorry driver right up my arse the entire drive home

Was nice of him to give me a lift though

A wedding photographer was tragically killed today when a 250lb wheel of cheese fell off the catering lorry and crushed him.

All the guests tried frantically to warn him, but to no avail.

I got knocked off my bike last night by a lunatic driving a salt lorry through deep snow. You complete idiotic moron I shouted

Through gritted teeth

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An Asian man was crushed by a lorry

One day on his way home from work, an Asian man was crushed by a lorry. A few weeks later he was reincarnated. Unfortunately he didn't live the best of lives as a human so he returned as a shrimp.

I guess you could say he is now a crushed Asian...

A lorry full of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster.

Huge crash on the high way, a lorry full on snooker equipment toppled over

There were cues for miles

A lorry has just overturned on the M6 loaded with Vicks vapour rub.

Police have said there will be no congestion for eight hours.

Load of animals in the back of a lorry..

The cow says "mooooooooove over"

The chicken says "fkaaaf"

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Paddy pulls alongside a lorry and shouts,

"Oi, driver! You're losing your load!"







Driver replies, "Fuck off!"







5 miles further along, Paddy again shouts, "Oi, you're losing your load!"







Driver again replies, "Fuck off!"






...

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A mate of mine once had sex with the exhaust pipe on the back of his lorry.

He found out a week later he was HGV positive.

Did you hear about the man who ate the truck?

Now he's the man-da-lorry-in

A lorry full of wigs was stolen last night....

Police are combing the area.

I got arrested for tailgating a lorry.

Or as the police called it, "stalking my ex".

A friend of mine was run over by a red lorry,

then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry.

When the policeman informed his family he said
"There's no easy way to say this"...

WARNING TO ALL LORRY DRIVERS

Researchers for the Swansea Authority found over 200 dead crows near M4 recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death ...

A lorry carrying 25 tons of Vicks Vapour Rub has overturned on the M6, near Birmingham, spilling it's load onto the carriage way.

The Police have said, there will be no congestion for at least 12hrs.

Dracula

Dracula is walking down the street one fine evening when a speeding lorry carrying mini sausage rolls, sandwiches, a variety of salads, dressed salmon, quiches and cold meats loses control, overturns and spills all that food. All this wreckage hits Dracula and with his dying breath he curses buffet ...

A man is driving down the road when he sees flashing lights up ahead.

It transpires a lorry load of penguins has turned over. The police are frantically trying to herd the penguins off the road to safety.

As he arrives at the scene he sees an officer with a penguin under each arm. He rolls down the window and says, "Officer is there anything I can do to help?" ...

Materialistic

A Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the curb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls ...

A lorry driver is driving 200 penguins to London Zoo

when his lorry breaks down on the motorway. The driver gets out of the cab and is looking at the engine when a second lorry driver stops in front of him and asks if he needs help. The penguins' driver explains that he is taking the penguins to the zoo and asks if the other man would 
take the pen...

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There’s a diminutive, mousy-looking elderly man in a pub, quietly staring into his glass.

He has sad, sad eyes and a generally upset demeanor.

The door of the pub is slammed open and a lorry driver charges in. He roars up to the bar counter, orders four pints of the strongest beer the bartender has, and drops heavily down upon one of the bar stools.

As he drains his beers, ...

A man is crossing a busy road

A man is crossing a busy road when he's hit by a red lorry, yellow lorry, red lorry, yellow lorry, red lorry, yellow lorry, red Lorry, yellow lorry, red lorry, yellow lorry and finally another red lorry.

Later that day a younge police officer knocks on the door of the man's wife to inform h...

Two std's crossing the road.

All of a sudden a lorry approached at a very high speed.

One says to the other I think I am a gonorrhoea.

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After £1 million worth of sex toys are stolen

After £1 million worth of sex toys are stolen from a lorry in Kettering, police say the suspects may be sitting on the evidence and it’s unlikely they’ll come quietly.

So a boy was born, and he was just a head. But his parents took this difficulty in their stride and raised him as well as they could. On the boy's 18th birthday, his father takes him down the pub for his first pint.

He takes the first sip, and out pops his body. Surprised, he takes a second sip, and out pop his arms. The whole pub is cheering him on now. His father has tears of joy streaming down his face. So the boy takes his final sip, and out pop his legs. The boy is so happy that he immediately jumps up ...

The world tongue twister champion was killed today in a tragic accident.

He was run over by a red lorry. Then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry

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I can see the future....

A man walks into his local pub for a pint after work. After being served his drink, he turns to find a table to sit down and enjoy his pint.
There are two tables free, one near the entrance and another towards the back. He opts for the one near the entrance, sits down, and takes a nice refreshing...

Onions

There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening. Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs...

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I translated this joke from Slovakian language, hope it makes sense. It is NOT meant to insult anyone, all of you guys are kings.

It sleeps in a shed,
It eats from a bowl,
It pisses on the wheels,
What is it?
.
.
.
A lorry driver

Why programmers cannot do time estimation correctly?

- Why do you, programmers, cannot ever estimate the time required to finish the project?!
- Well, boss, it's very simple. I'll explain in this example. You do like mending cars in your free time, am I right, boss?
- Yep, give me this example.
- So, you need to unload a vehicle. How long wou...

Does this belong on Dark Jokes?

The teacher says to Bob "Make sure your mum comes with you into class tomorrow" *the next day* The teacher asks "Where's your mum Bob?" "She got hit by a lorry" replied Bob. "Okay, bring your dad in tomorrow *the next day* The teacher asks "Where's your dad Bob?" Bob replies with " He was hit by a l...

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F*cking Audi four wheel drive!

It was a snowy wednesday evening. Snow had fallen for a couple of days, and the roads were treacherous.

A man walks into a bar, and while passing through the door he loudly clears his throat and spits in the corner, followed by a mumbled "Fucking Audi four wheel drive!".

He sits down, ...

The hare and the tortoise

The hare and the tortoise were having a rematch. This time, they decided to race through Europe, starting with London. The plan was to race to Dover, get the ferry across, and go along the French coast, across Belgium, Germany, and head north through Denmark.

The hare figured that his fur wo...

A Man was driving along the road when

A man was driving along the road when all of a sudden he has to swerve to avoid a box falling off the lorry in front.
Seconds later a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. As the policeman starting writing the ticket he noticed the box was full of nails and tacks.
"I had to serve or ...

Couple police jokes

1) A hole has opened up on the motorway, the police are looking into it.

2) Someone has stolen the toilets at the police station, the police have nothing to go on.

3) A lorry carrying hair gel has tipped under suspicious cirumstances, over scattering it's content all over the road. The...

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News, just in: Truck Stolen!

A lorry containing 150 pallets of Viagra was stolen last night. Police are searching the country for a gang of hardened criminals.

After the worse accident the town has ever seen

A lorry has managed to drive into a school, ran over students during their assembly. The paramedics estimate that the deaths number in more than a hundred person. In order to get to the bottom of the accident, a policeman started to question the driver.

Driver: I was just trying to avoid the ...

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