What’s the difference between Tiger Woods’s golf ball and his SUV?

He can drive his golf ball 300 yards without hitting a tree.

A poor man & a man in a big black SUV arrive at the pearly gates...

Saint Peter immediately opens the gates for the man in the SUV and throws him a Big Party. A couple hours later he remembers the poor man still waiting. The poor man asked why he didn't get a celebration. St. Peter said we get poor people hear every day. But it's not very often we get a politician ...

What's the most musical SUV truck?

A hummer.

What’s the model name of Tesla’s new SUV?

Journalist: “What’s the model name of the upcoming SUV?”

Elon Musk: ’Y’.

Journalist: “Because I’m asking.”

Musk: “And I’m telling you.”

Journalist: “So if you’re telling me, what did you say it’s called?”

Musk: ‘Y’

Journalist: “Why?”

Musk: “Exactly.”<...

The lady who had crashed her SUV complained to the Police that the man she collided with was on his mobile and drinking beer from a bottle at the time.

The Police said that the gentleman was entitled to do what ever he wanted in his own garden!

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The Horse and the Chick

The horse and the chick were best friends. One day when they were walking around the farm together, the horse fell into a patch of quicksand. He couldn't get out no matter how much he struggled. The chick suddenly had an idea:

"I know! The farmer just bought a new Porsche SUV. I'll use that t...

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They say of rich Arab oil families that the first generation rides in limosines, the second generation drives SUVs, and the third is poor again.

Well that's what happens when you don't keep any Jews around to manage your money.

I was stuck in traffic behind a Mazda SUV this morning...

it wasn't the greatest car in the whole world. It was just a Tribute.

An Eskimo brings his SUV into the shop for repairs.

Mechanic says, "Let me take a look. I'll be with you in a few min." The Eskimo notices they have an ice cream parlor next door, so he heads over while he waits. When he returns to the auto shop, the mechanic stops him and says, "Well... You need a fan belt and it looks like you blew a seal." The Esk...

What do you call a dog in a hot SUV?

Korean barbeque

I got a new SUV. My hippie friend says to me, "What about the Rainforests? What about the glaciers?"

.. I'm like "Man, it's got 4 wheel drive... We can go anywhere you want!"

-Michael Palascak

So, I'm on base when my sergeant calls me into his office.

He hands me the keys to his SUV and says "Look, I know it's not a new vehicle, but they recently stopped making this model. It's important to me that it not get damaged. I need you to take it and get it washed off-base." I'm taking the duty really seriously, but when I drive by the woods I see th...

When does a dyslexic person know they've bought the wrong SUV?

When they're in Denali.

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Heaven Rides

*Note: I heard this joke from my dad who heard it from his grandmother, so if this isn't as good as it should be sorry.

3 guy friends (no homo) die and go to heaven, where together they are asked questions by St. Peter. After passing all questions,
St. Peter asks, "so far you have done we...

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his ...

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.

So I went to a Psychiatrist and told him I’ve got problems.

Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it.

I’m scared.

I think I’m going crazy.

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist.

"Come talk to me three times a week a...

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A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" store looking for a job.

The Manager says,
"Do you have any sales experience?"
The young guy says
"Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we clos...

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It rained for days, and the flood came.

Everybody was leaving the village except Bob. Seeing him still there, they came on two pick-ups. Signaling Bob to come over.

"I am a man of deep faith" explained Bob to his neighbors. "I don't need to flee my village. God will protect me."
&nbsp;
The water kept rising, and whe...

A boy was once born without a body, only a head.

His parents were in total shock: their new child, only a head with a hand coming out from where the neck would be. Somehow, the child was in relatively good health, so they brought him home and cared for him as they would any other child.

Raising Head Boy presented with many challenges. He c...

So there’s this old, old zookeeper who is nearing retirement.

In fact, she’s so old that she has been employed at the zoo since it first opened. Since she’s been there so long, the zoo has entrusted her with taking care of the two most valuable exhibits in the zoo.

First, she is responsible for feeding an ancient lion. This lion is actually so old that...

The General's Report

An Army general was in Washington for a meeting and decided to call his base for a report. A young private answered the phone.

"I'd like an inventory report of the base please," stated the general.

The private had not dealt with such a request before and thought it was a fellow private...

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Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?

With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No" said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-u...

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The best salesman in the world

The boy went into the mall to get a job. He told the management that he was the world's best salesman. They gave him a job as a seller, but expected profits from day one.

On Saturday evening the manager came down and asked how many customers he had served today. The boy said he had helped one...

A classic

Judge "I see by your filing sir that you are suing the defendant for damages and injuries received when his cattle truck ran a red light and broadsided your car, now the damages I can understand but the defendant has provided a police report that says you claimed to be uninjured at the scene, why ar...

An Asian guy walks past a bar with a strange sign.

The sign reads: "We double-charge for all drinks. If you leave without finishing your drink the remaining money will be credited to the first person who asks for them instead of being returned to you. Please ensure you order just enough!"


He sits down next to an Asian girl. She turns...

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Falling penis...

A woman comes home from work early, only to find her husband in bed with the tramp from next door for the third time.

"Lenny! I told you the next time I catch you cheating on me- it's coming off and it's going out the window!"

She runs to the kitchen, grabs a butchers knife and runs ...

The Hillbilly and the Duck

A man is driving his SUV through the woods. It's springtime. He reaches a river with a drivable bridge, but much to his surprise the river has flooded over, covering the bridge completely. He stops his car before the river, trying to figure out what to do.


He spots an old house a little b...

Pope Francis gets a new car.

He's in Chicago for an appearance. His regular car is obviously not there and due to some mixup all they have is a huge SUV.

When Francis sees this beast he thinks for a second. "Hey, I've been kind of curious about these things. Do you mind if I drive?"

What are you supposed to say...

The longest joke in the world

From: http://longestjokeintheworld.com/

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again....

Trip to Norway

I took a cruise to Norway and brought along my SUV to explore the country for a few weeks. While unloading my vehicle from the ship, the cable broke, dumping the car into the water. Now I have a Fjord Explorer.

So a while back the Pope went on a visit...

to a city. He was trying to get across town without attracting too much attention, so instead of the Popemobile, he was driving in a heavily armored SUV with very tinted windows.

So the chauffeur is driving the Pope around, and the Pope gets to wondering. "Man," he thinks, "I haven't driven i...

So this guy is driving down a dirt road...

..and while he's driving he sees this 8 year old boy on the shoulder by himself just crying his eyes out. Naturally, this guy pulls over and asks him what's wrong and why he's all alone. All he can manage to say between sobs is "...my parents.." as he points to the canyon below. The guy looks over t...

A good 'ole story from my algebra II teacher Mr. Locke (or as some call him MLocke)

This will be entirely from the point of view of Mr. Locke; it is not actually me who said this, even though I use the word "I."


I was just opening the envelope I had received from one of my colleagues. I read the short card inside that said "please come to my house from a christmas eve p...

So there was a competition between polices...

(...) and the three finalists on this efficiency competition were: Interpol, FBI and Rio de Janeiro's Elite Squad.

The last assignment was really simple. They should retrieve a small rabbit after being released in a jungle. The group doing it in less time wins.

First went Interpol, wit...

I AM NOT "HAPPY"!

So last week I'm driving in town and a large SUV decides to stop abruptly on a yellow light. I was forced to slam on my brakes and still could not avoid slamming into the SUV. With the airbag in my face and two brand new black eyes, I manage to open the door and step out of my vehicle. I see the dri...

Sentry

A new soldier was posted guard at the gate to the American Base in Afghanistan. His orders were clear: All vehicles had to stop to show ID unless it had a special placard on the dashboard inside the windshield.

A black SUV came up with a general seated in the back. The car did not immediate...

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