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Veggie Jokes

What veggie takes your breath away?

Arti choke!

What did John Lennons parents say to him to get him to eat his veggies when he was a kid?

All we are saying is, give peas a chance

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

Mary needed veggies for dinner...

but her nails weren't dry yet, and she had friends coming over. She sent a text to her husband.
"Honey please don’t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from the office. And Priscilla says 'Hi' to you."

Paul, her husband replied, "Who is Priscilla?"

"Nobody, I was just making ...

Where do cannibals go to buy their veggies?

A retirement home.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do veggie burgers and dildos have in common?

They both are meat substitutes

The marketing team for the Veggie Food Company are having a brand meeting

"So the food techs have given us this amazing veggie bacon, what are we going to call it?" says the boss.
After hours of brainstorming and arguments, Sammy the intern says, "what about Facon?"
Everyone loves it and the boss promises him a bonus and a promotion.
"That's great, well done Samm...

Veggies

I met a young lady in a bar the other night, we were getting along pretty good so we decided to go back to place a blocks away. When we got there we started kissing and got our cloths off.

I like going down on a lady so started munching on her and all of a sudden I got a green bean in my m...

When I was younger I’d always get upset when my dad told me to eat veggies, but now I miss veggies

He’s was the nicest dog ever.

What happens when the nihilistic veggie molded?

He didn’t carrot all

where do cannibals go to get their 5 daily veggies?

To the ICU ward.

Honey, the salad tastes funny... Are you sure you washed the veggies?

Of course I did! Can't you see the soap bubbles?

Offering fruit to an Australian for breakfast may not make them happy..

..But a veggie might.

Why did the cheeseburger fight the veggie burger?

It had beef.

Did you hear about the line of veggie burgers released by Greta Van Fleet?

They are 100% plant-based.

A little girl was eating her veggies

Suddenly one of the pea pods came to life and began pleading for its life, "No giant! Please spare me and I will take you to my kingdom where my queen(mother) will reward you with much more than my life!"

With nothing better to do, the girl accepts the offer and follows the talking pea to his...

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When I eat a lot of veggies I tend to poop a lot...

Guess that’s why they call it pro-deuce.

Why can you never compromise with a veggie burger?

Because they'll never meat in the middle.

TIFU by accidentally giving my vegetarian girlfriend my Italian Sandwich from quizno's instead of her Veggie Delight Sandwich.

Oops wrong sub.

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

Did you hear that fruit will never travel to Australia?

Yeah! Fruit won't, but veggie might!

I like to keep my Thanksgiving dinner simple: turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, and veggies

Everything else is just gravy

What did the veggies say, as they sat down for supper?

"Lettuce, pray."

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Two Sandwiches in a Deli

One day two sandwiches are sitting in a deli. One sandwich - a veggie sandwich - asks the other "Hey man, if you could be any kind of sandwich, what would you be?"


The other sandwich - a turkey sandwich - isn't in the mood. He retorts "I'm tired man. I don't feel like having a deep conv...

I got abducted by aliens...

I was told to do my all chores, eat my veggies, take a shower and brush my teeth.

It was then I realized I was in the mother ship.

I have some great stock tips..

Always keep the simmer low and slow. Save up the odds and ends from veggies. If you're using chicken, skim the fat/floaty bits off to get a clear liquid etc.


If you keep doing this, you end up a bouillonaire.

The saying shouldn't be "It's like taking candy from a baby"

Have you ever actually taken candy from a baby? They scream. It should be "it's like taking veggies from a baby"

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A man rents a room, and pays extra on the condition the landlady prepare his work lunch every day...

So on the first day, she packs him a sandwich on normal sandwich bread, using the last night's leftovers of meatloaf, adding in some fruit and a bottle of soda.

When he comes home, he politely tells her that it wasn't quite enough food for him.

The next day, she makes two sandwiches (...

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One for the ladies

A man is doing yardwork while his wife is wife is gardening when he notices the similarity between her butt and the charcoal grill.
So he yells, " Hey honey you better start eating more of those veggies because your ass is as big as the grill."
Later that night, he is feeling frisky and st...

The groceries decide to turn the fridge into a club

They each get assigned jobs for the club. The beef guards the front door, the veggies sell ticket, the soy sauce serves the drinks…

And the bacon strips.

People who sell meat are gross

But people who sells fruits and veggies are grocer

Funny Joke about Vegetables

I was 19 years old and eating veggies for dinner. For some reason I decided to play with my food and got arrested for disturbing the peas.

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Apparently humans worldwide consume 55 million chickens every single day

Answer me this, veggies: do YOU want to live with an extra 20 billion chickens running about each year?

Thought not. Shut the fuck up and join the fight. Then we'll start on the bastard cows.

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3 men in a nursing home are sitting and reminiscing.

First man says, “I wish I could just go pee as easily when I was younger. It’s getting harder and harder to do so as the years pass.”

The second guy says, “I can pee just fine but I would give anything to be able to poop with no trouble. It’s getting more difficult even with fruits and veggie...

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A new supermarket opened near my house.

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay.

W...

Imagine Hollywood is making a feature film about creating the perfect meal

In the first act of the movie, they go through many trials and tribulations to decide on what bread they should use. Eventually they decide on tortilla

The second act, they’re now plotting on what should go IN the bread. Meat, veggies, maybe neither.

Finally, the third act. now they j...

I'm a second-hand vegetarian

Cows eat the veggies. I eat the cows.

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Two best friends make a deal.

The one of them who die first will visit the second one to tell him about the afterworld. And one day a few years later friend 1 died.

When friend 2 found out, he stayed up late every following night, remembering the promise. And finally on the midnight of the third night a weak voice is hear...

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The Mint Contest

John runs a candy shop, selling mints of all kinds. Business was good, until Covid hit.

John realized he’ll have to shut down the store and risk losing his business, unless he could figure out a way to advertise and sell his confections on the Internet. His nephew suggested running a contest ...

I was victim of mugging once

I had walked down to the grocery store to get a few ingredients for pot roast. I already had the meat in the fridge at home so I really just needed the vegetables. I picked out some onions, carrots, and some potatoes. After paying, I started walking back to my apartment. Some mean looking guy po...

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It was Christmas time in the concentration camp..

And the Nazis figured that they would have a bit of fun with the “inmates”.

So they roasted up a huge duck, filled with veggies, plums, sauce and glazed with butter.


They walk in to the yard and place the duck, as the Jews gathered around to see what was going on.

They tol...

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A class of high school art students are broken into groups...

...and tasked with making silly and creative paintings combining culture with food.

One group decides to paint an Indy race car made out of roti. Another group decides to paint a business suit necktie being grated into cheese. Another group paints Donkey Kong serving up a creepy bowl of banan...

This guy moves to NYC

and the first night in his new apartment he realizes how loud his upstairs neighbor is, so he goes upstairs to politely ask him to cut it out. When he asks him to quiet down the guy responds with a nod and slams the door in face, resuming the loudness.

A week goes by and every night is the sa...

A chef was preparing for his busy Friday night shift…

A chef was preparing for his busy Friday night shift when his coworker called in sick. Friday nights were always busy at the restaurant and he was the only one working the kitchen. He decides to grab one of the busboys to help him cook for the night.

“Alright,” the chef says, “tonight is busy...

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Jesus decided to come down on earth after 2000 years

And wanted to save people. He saw an old lady, looking rather devoted religious type, long coat, veggie cart etc. He walked up to her and said "Hi, I'm Jesus and I'm here to save you". She started hitting him with her bag, shouting "Get lost you heretic!". Sad Jesus continued his soul saving quest.<...

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