I suspect my local greengrocer is overcharging for veg.

He's only charged me full price for an undersized lettuce, but I'm sure this is just the tip of the iceberg.

I just turned down a job at my local fruit and veg shop. They offered to pay me in vegetables

The celery was unacceptable

A man calls Pizza hut to order a pizza

CALLER: Is this #PizzaHut?

GOOGLE:No sir, it's Google Pizza

CALLER: Sorry, I have Dailed wrong number

GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.

CALLER:Ok, I would like to order a pizza

GOOGLE:Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER: My usual? You know ...

An engineer accidentally gave a medical school exam

See his answers.

1. Antibody - One who hates his body .

2. Artery - Study of Fine Paintings or military, not sure.

3. Bacteria - Back door of a Cafeteria .

4. Coma - Punctuation Mark .

5. Gall Bladder - Bladder of a Girl .

6. Genes - Blue Denim.

7. L...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just caught an Alien in the freezer masturbating into a packet of frozen veg!

"What the fuck are you doing?" I shouted.

"Please don't hurt me." He replied. "I cum in peas."

Some people say onions are the only veg that make you cry

They've never been hit in the face by a turnip

A vegan told me people who sold meat were disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit and veg are grocer.

My wife got mad at me because apparently turn on the veg doesn't mean..

Finger her disabled sister

A man finds out his wife is having an affair, so he calls his mate, arty, who will do anything for a pound, to murder them.

"Arty" says the cheated husband. "I want you to kill my wife and her lover."
"Okay" replies Arty, but I'll only do it if you give me a pound!"
So arty follows them both around the local shop, and as they get to the fruit and veg section he strangles the man then the woman.
The following ...

There once was a monkey who lived in a jungle.

Now this monkey was very intelligent and had started to get fed up of eating with her hands. After a long time planning and sketching on leaves, she finally created some tools to help her eat!
Her first, she called a sharp tool which she used for cutting her food.
Her second was a round tool w...

A man came back from the fruit and veg shop without buying anything.

The trip was fruitless.

Titles are hard

*context* I work in a fruit and veg shop. I told this joke to all of the people doing fruit. I think I need a new job

What's the opposite of a mandarin?

A mandarout

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bishop and The Steak

A grumpy bishop in a hurry on his way to a ceremony stops by a small Irish town as he's weak with the hunger.

He see's a restaurant, the only place he's seen in miles that serves food. So parks up and rushes in.

A smiling waiter kindly greets him, but the bishop rushes passed to a tabl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was convicted for murdering and eating his victims, which consisted of homosexuals and disabled people

When asked why he did this, he responded that he just wanted to get his 5 fruit and veg a day

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest....

Kind of pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he was brown or green like the other toads. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.

Any way ... this yellow toad bumps into a Fairy Godmother, like you do, and he begs her; "Fairy Godmother please m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW What's the difference between sex and lunch?

Depends on where you put the cucumber.

Worked in a fruit and veg shop, guy stopped me packing cucumbers to tell me that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Merry Xmas in advance. Kind Of

Father of all non veg:

A family was at the dinner table.

Son asked his father---' Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there??

Surprised father answered- 'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:? In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.?

In her 30's to 40's,...

[NSFW] I was helping my girlfriend prepare dinner...

I was helping my girlfriend prepare dinner and she asked me to turn the veg on.

I don't think fingering her disabled sister was what she had in mind.

Got in trouble with the wife at dinner time last night.

Apparently when she asked me to turn on the veg, fingering her disabled sister isn't what she meant.

Big Artie

There once was a Hitman named Big Artie.

Things were tough in the Underworld at thew time, what with the Financial Crisis lately and such, the market hasn't been kind to his business. Because of this, he decides that he needs to put down the prices - It's been months since he'd had a job and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whilst lubing your arse up with KY Jelly or baby oil will make for easy insertion,

9 times out of 10 it will get you thrown out of the Tesco fruit and veg section...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.